Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Up and down

I had a tea party with Tessa. (up)

I had a cry fest with my therapist (I hate cancer yada yada yada). (down)

I got a lot of laundry done and changed all the sheets. (up)

To do that laundry took an extraordinary amount of will. (down)

I smiled and laughed with Tessa. (up)

I didn't feel happy, I was faking it. (down)

I still love the new light fixture. (up)

I'm dissatisfied in general. (down)

I didn't have energy to make dinner. (down)

But I made - heated, really - some Trader Joe's stuff and cut up some fruit and my family liked it anyway. (They were probably thinking "hurrah no vegetables for once!") (up)

When I'm being all grateful, I can find an up for every down.

But I'm not "okay." I am grouchy and out of sorts and really not processing this upcoming surgery very well. I don't want to do it! And I hate cancer. And I'm sick of it ruling my life. And I'm tired of giving 12 billion percent of myself and feeling like it's not enough. And now I'm not giving much of myself at all, and I'm capable of more, and I feel guilty for that, too.

Apparently I have boundary and balance issues. Well, duh. ;-) But what do I DO about it?

Rhetorical questions. No easy answers. I'm trying.

(And in the meantime I'm gaining weight. Because I'm eating like a fool. Nooooooo! I need to get that figured out asap because gaining weight is NOT contributing to my happiness.)

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