Saturday, April 08, 2006


First, an aside:
Today Tessa was being so darn cute that it brought tears to my eyes. She was telling me stories (inventive imaginings), helping me in the kitchen, and being exceptionally loving when I was just laying on the couch like a slug. My heart burst with love for her, but my eyes filled with tears. The tears had some joy, but also the pain of not being able to play with her and to mother her in the wyas I'd like to while I'm recovering. Ouch.

Friends, I am dragging through the days. I am so tired it's almost like being on chemo again...ack! This morning was my most active since the surgery a week ago: We got up, showered, and left to go see the UW crew races at the Montlake cut (a first for all of us - I've always wanted to go, and so has Ryan but we'd never made it. It's important to Ryan and I to instill in Tessa that women can be fabulous athletes, and so we want to expose her to this kind of stuff...and I think it's pretty darn cool to expose Tessa to the UW so that she'll get a taste of her mother's, grandfather's, and uncle's alma mater). On the way there, we stopped by the Susan G. Komen offices and picked up Race for the Cure registration materials, because I am the West Seattle contact for Race for the Cure...all we had to do was pick up a few boxes (which Ryan kindly toted for me). Then, we picked up Marisa at her house, headed to the crew races, and watched for perhaps 20 minutes. Then we headed to "the Ave" (University Avenue) to visit the University Bookstore (Ryan and Marisa browsed while Tessa and I explored the children's section...I have an entire shelf of books that I haven't read yet). By then, I was feeling tired, even though we hadn't done much at all. We dropped Marisa off at home, then dropped off the registration materials at Capers in West Seattle (and had quick soup and sandwiches for lunch together), and then I came home, put on my PJs, and crawled into bed, where I spent the afternoon.

Ugh. I am starting to fantasize about all the things that I will do when I have a healthy body again. This fantasy includes:
1. Taking Tessa to a park and running around after her. Push her on the swings, go down the slide with her, and then go to the beach to look for seashells and practice walking on logs. Run with her, chase her, and laugh together.
2. Exercise. I'm so interested in having a healthy body that the jiggly tummy that I still possess is an irritation because I'm motivated to fix it but I don't have the energy to do so. I know that I can do more and I'm ready to do it! I have a weights routine, a walking plan, and I'm eager to get started.
3. Take care of the house. The little things build up, and I want to work in the garden, do a deep cleaning, etc.
4. Cook healthy meals again. For me, one trick to excelling on WW is cooking interesting, diverse foods...that way I don't get bored and I don't miss the fat/sugar/white flour so much. Plus, it's so very important to me to model excellent eating habits to Tessa.
5. Do things with friends. Meet friends to have a playdate, go on dates with Ryan, go to girls' night or bookclub....all the normal "fun" things.
6. Do my work for the Bellevue School District.
7. Update the blog.

It's really the little things that count and I'm so tired of not being able to do the essentials!

SO, on that note, it's 6:36pm and I'm off to bed. Good night!

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Clean pathology!

This morning, Katie from Dr. Paley's office called me, and reported that my pathology report just came in, and it is clean. There was no evidence of cancer, ovarian or otherwise, and everything looked great.

HURRAH! Maybe now the nightmares will stop....


Monday, April 03, 2006

Proud of Ryan

As many of you know, Ryan joined Weight Watchers a while ago, inspired by the losses he saw from Michele & I as we stayed on the program (and with a few threats from his family doctor, too). Well, today Ryan reached his 10% goal! By losing 10% of his body weight, Ryan has put himself at lower risk for heart disease and diabetes, and in better health. I'm so, so proud of him for sticking with it.

And I must say, Ryan looks fantastic. He is having to buy new, smaller clothes because his old ones are so big he's swimming in them, and I think that I have a very handsome husband! I will have to take some pictures and post them here soon.

Ryan and I both have some miles to go on our weight loss journeys, but I am certain that we will reach our goals. This summer, I hope that you find us going for hikes together, running on the beach, and maybe even biking together (yikes do you think I evne know how to ride a bike any more?). It's fun to get skinny together.


PS Thanks for listening to me vent here yesterday. Really, this process sucks, and I'm more than tired of it. It helps me to be honest about scream and cry, then catch my breath and try to move forward.

Tired of this

I am so, so, so tired of this. I'm tired of being a cancer patient. I'm tired of having body parts removed. I'm tired of losing my femininity, one piece at a time. (Please do not tell me that femininity is an attitude. I know that, but I also know that it's made up of body parts that I no longer have.) I'm tired of being in so much pain...pain from radiation burns, pain from surgery. I'm tired of the strain it puts on my entire family, knowing how much it hurts them, too. I'm tired of having an abnormal life as the result of all of this. I'm tired. I live in fear that it will be like this forever.

I just want to be well. I want to be able to hug Tessa without fear that her head will bump my portacath (ouch) my radiation burn (OUCH) or my hysterectomy incisions (OOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!).

I don't want to have to fake being strong all the time, I want to actually BE strong.

I know I've got a lot behind me, but the road is still so very, very long, and the last miles are the hardest because the fatigue has set in. My bones ache from it, and I wonder how I will go another step sometimes. Haven't I done enough? When is it enough? When do I get to be happy, healthy, and fit? Please, when???

I know I have a bad attitude tonight, and that I'll feel better in the morning. I know that I'll heal from the hysterectomy and then even get some laughs in before the next mastectomy and healing period. I'll be fine...I'm survivor, and I specialize in recovery and healing and making lemons out of lemonade. But it sucks, and I want to shout that, too. Yes, I'm strong. Yes, I can take it. But it's so horribly unfair that I have to deal with this, and that I'm not even close to being done.

Sigh. I'm sorry if you came here tonight looking for inspiration, because I am just out of inspiration today. I'm just so horribly weary from all of this.


Sunday, April 02, 2006

Recovery and lost my voice

Recovery is going well. I am extremely tender in the abdomen, and sudden movements are very painful, but if I remember to move slowly I feel fine.

Unfortunately, I have contracted a cold and I've completely lost my voice...I won't be able to pick up the phone because I can't talk! It's very frustrating, and not at all what I needed right now, but it is what it is. The worst part is that I feel like I really need to cough hard to clear my chest, but that pulls horrifically on my incisions, so that's out of the question. Ugh! Hopefully this will be short lived.

I'm reading all those magazines I bought and that friends gave me, and I've spent the entire morning snuggled in bed with Mozart (the cat) leaning on my foot. It could be worse!