Thursday, July 31, 2008

Remember me?!

I used to blog daily. Remember me?

Seriously, though, I just haven't had access to the computer very much during the day, and I have been spectacularly tired at night and unable to stay up late when I could get online. I've often been going to bed at 8:30pm - how crazy is that? It's 7pm and I'm yawning as I type (truthfully). I am concerned that my thyroid meds are off (they go "off" pretty routinely) and as usual I just chalk up my fatigue to the endless surgery, chemo, blah blah blah. I don't like it but it is what it is, and I have such doctor fatigue that I haven't even gone back to the dentist to get fillings. (I know. That's ridiculous, foolish, and maybe dangerous. I'll do it. Soon. I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it yet.)

Ryan is hard at work on the job hunt; he is putting a lot of energy into it and I believe that it is certain to yield excellent results because of that hard work.

I'm hard at work at therapy; I really like the woman I see. I've got some work in front of me to get through my issues....but what else is new?!

Tomorrow morning we are going camping with the PEPS group, and I'm really excited to spend time with friends in the woods. Tessa is particularly ecstatic that Anna will be there, and is even hoping for a tent sleepover. :-) I do not enjoy packing for camping (I'm looking at the pile in our living room right now, wondering how on earth it will fit in our car, and wondering what I've forgotten) but by this time tomorrow I should be sitting around a campfire, glass of wine in hand, smiling at the smudge of dirt on Tessa's face and feeling content. (We'll be back Sunday, FYI.)

I'm just going along, trying not to think too hard about the deep stuff so that I can enjoy the summer. Summer picnics at the local beaches, hiking (Tessa can do about 5 miles now and that is thrilling to me), walking to do our errands, drinking coffee in the mornings, being outside in our yard as much as possible.

I'm still working hard at being green, and have much to report, but not the energy to do it. I'm getting my cleaning products figured out, buying less, shopping for food more wisely (more local stuff, less packaging, and figuring out how to make those things reality). I am not 100% successful and I have to remind myself not to judge my own shortcomings too harshly, because I'm doing so much in the right direction, and about 500% more than I was a year ago, and it must be enough. I keep pushing myself to do more, to figure out more, but I can not conquer it all at one time, and need to take bite sized pieces.

I participated in Family Promise (a traveling homeless shelter) this week, and the rewards were mine. I do not know what the family got from me, but from them I got some beautiful gifts. The next day, I cleaned my house with a fury, scrubbing the corners with joy, because I was so grateful to have such a beautiful home. The family (who remains nameless here because they deserve their privacy) is beautiful: kind, loving, and full of humor. Their interactions within the family were full of love and smiles, and they were so gracious towards myself and the other volunteers. In their position, I'd like to believe that I could be so courageous and generous in spirit, but I fear that I have a lot to learn. They reminded me of my own fortune, but they also reminded me how much they had to give. I walked away from them with so much on my mind, and I'm certain that I'm a better person NOT for helping them but for simply spending some time with them. They gave me much, much, much more than they took. I am grateful for this opportunity, and look forward to doing it again.

I'm struggling with weight and fatigue, and find this frustrating. My joints are particularly achy in the mornings again, and I fear that the AIs are up to their old tricks. I still have 2.5 years left of taking Aromasin (I'm halfway done) and I'm determined to take every single pill in that time, but it's a challenge because of those aches. I am also suffering some memory issues. Please forgive me if I repeat myself, get lost in a sentence, ask the same question three times.....I am struggling with this again right now and it's scary to me. Apparently chemobrain never goes away for some people....maybe I'm one of them.

In better news, I will soon begin working on the book history of Hunts Point, and I'm excited to get going with it. Once Tessa is in school I will be able to dedicate some real time to that, and it will be something to look forward to. (In the meantime, I'm completely freaking out that my little girl won't be with me all day every day....I know I said I wanted some time to myself but oh my gosh I'm going to miss her!)

I am WAY behind on email, with hundreds of messages in my inbox (mostly junk, but some real stuff in there too) and I'm so sorry if I've been ignoring you. Not intentional!

All my love and well wishes to everyone....and I'll be back online soon enough. I guess it's good to take a little break, too.....