Friday, September 11, 2009

Breathe in, breathe out

When I breathe in, I breathe in peace;
When I breathe out, I breathe out love.

So goes one of my favorite UU hymns.

Today I am feeling better than I did yesterday, and that's good, because yesterday I felt horrible. I am finding this round of testing really difficult and overwhelming, but I feel like I'm coming out of that a big fog.

I am hoping that the PET is actually perfect for me. I am hoping that it doesn't show any kind of cancer symptom(s), and that I will not require further testing or surgery.

I'm trying not to think about Monday. I have to fast on Sunday, and Monday I'm only allowed water before the test. I got a prescription for anti-anxiety meds to help me through, and I have a friend to drive me.

One day at a time. Maybe by my birthday (Wednesday) the nightmare will be over and the sun will shine?

Thursday, September 10, 2009

And the answer is...

...I dunno.

They took my blood pressure at the doc - 164/94. Holy smokes. It's "situational" as usually my BP is around 112-120/70-80, but I could FEEL my blood in my veins I was so stressed out. (They were more amused than worried - at normal appts I really am fine.)

We discussed it all. In the end, one more test - a PET scan.
Hopefully it will give us a definitive answer. Wouldn't it be great if I could avoid surgery?

I am EXHAUSTED by all of this.

PET is Monday. Fasting prior to the fun.

Thanks for caring, everyone.

Trying to remain calm

Now that Tessa is (happily) at school, fear is making itself known. I took Shep for a walk this morning along Alki, and stopped mid-way to meditate along the sea wall. I'm listening to calming music. I am trying very hard to remain calm.

Because without a lot of effort, I feel like I could have a panic attack.

Several lovely and loving friends offered to come with me today to my 3:15 appointment, and at the last minute I did accept Sarah's offer because she can bring her baby with her and doesn't need to take time off work. THANK YOU Heather & Lori for also volunteering.

So I'm just going to keep distracting myself, and try not to throw up.

Please pray that I will make the right decision about surgery (or not), and that I will find peace in that decision. And whatever happens, please pray that the cancer isn't back.

I will update when I have more info.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Highs and lows

Today was Tessa's first day of first grade, and it was a smashing success. She loved just about everything about it, from the teacher to the reading nook (filled with stuffed animals) to the new principal to all of her classmates to the activities (self portraits, writers' workshop, story time). Her new teacher is known for being strict, but she is equally known for being warm and kind. This is an exactly what I think Tessa needs, and I believe she'll thrive in this environment.

Tomorrow I meet with a surgeon to discuss my swollen lymph nodes and to decide whether it is worth surgically removing them. I am hoping and praying that I walk away tomorrow with a strong sense of the right path, whether that is surgery or not. The uncertainty is torturous. So is surgery, of course, but my fear is that if I leave the nodes in then I will continue with sleeplessness and fear for months. I do not know what I "should" do and I hope that the good doctor will help me to choose the right path.

Tonight I feel sick to my stomach (literally) worrying, and sad because I am not able to just revel in the day's successes. Hopefully by tomorrow night I will feel calmer.