Friday, May 22, 2009

Outta here!

This weekend we were supposed to go to Anacortes with my parents in their motorhome. Well, last night my dad came down with a stomach bug, and today my mom doesn't feel too good, either.

Uh oh. Love you, Mom & Dad, but I don't want to be in a room with a stomach bug!

We're disappointed because it's not often that we get together like that, and my brother and his family were going to be camping close by, with lots of cousin time....but what can we do?

While Tessa was still sleeping this morning, Ryan and I decided that we were dying to get out of town and that we needed to do SOMETHING. On a whim, we picked Bellingham. We found a cheap hotel that will take us AND Shep (we weren't even going to attempt dog care at this late date), and I've done quick internet research to find the farmer's market (Saturday), museum (all in one place: art, history, and children's!), ponies (we might get to visit a Chincoteague pony farm), festival (Ski to Sea on Sunday), local pool (with a big waterslide, no less), parks (I know we want to hike in Larrabee). I also hope to swing by WWU to show Tessa where Mama went to graduate school.

We're winging it - all we have are the hotel reservations and a whole lot of fun ideas. It's only a couple hours away but we are ready to shake things up and have some fun.

Happy three day weekend, everyone!

Thursday, May 21, 2009


The pill I was supposed to take and the one I did take were both blue.

What a lame excuse that is!!! I won't do it twice, I tell you that. This whole day was shot, and I had much to do.

In other news...
My insurance company won't approve my MRI and I had to cancel my appointment. This is disappointing and frustrating, to say the least. I can't have a mammogram because I have lymphaedema AND fragile tissue from radiation (paper thin - I literally think my breast would burst in a mammogram) and I have implants that need to be checked for leaks and I am high risk for recurrence and they say I need one before the MRI ... how dare they! Dr. Rinn is up to bat and wrote them a letter but it's not doing anything yet.

I hate getting scanned. Cancer is odd in that it makes me beg to do horrible things. I begged to keep going with radiation, begged to get my ovaries removed, begged to find a way to stay on the drugs (AIs), begged for Zometa infusions. I find it rather ironic that I'm begging for an MRI because I hate them. They are claustrophobic and noisy and frightening and they take every inch of my willpower not to run away screaming. Worse than that, the MRI looks for cancer, and it might find it.

Today I ran into an aquaintance. She recurred, she's in chemo again. It could be me. I need the MRI to give me another reprieve, to tell me that I'm safe for a while.

Ugh. It's hard to exit Cancerland with so many reminders left and right.

Quick note

I made a huge mistake this morning. Instead of my thyroid medicine, I accidentally took a sleeping pill.

Oh. My. God.

I was at Tessa's school when it kicked in. I had to call to get a ride home.

I'm so glad that I realized what I had done, and didn't drive under the influence. I came home and laid in the hammock, sleeping on and off, until my friend Sarah drove me back to Alki to get my car (and Tessa!) at the end of the day.


Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Headed in the right direction

I really am feeling so much better. I'm not "there" yet - whereever that place might be - but I am on the path. Last night I was tired, but then again, it was a really busy day.

Today I'm chaperoning a field trip at SAM with Tessa's class. That would wear out any sane person! Still, I'm looking forward to it.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Turning a corner?

Yesterday, at Caleb's party, I felt energetic.

Last night I slept well.

This morning I awoke, and still felt good.

I got Tessa to school, came home and did some mail, and then went for a five mile walk - my favorite loop through Lincoln Park. I saw the eagles' nest, I collected shells and beach glass, I breathed in the warm soil scent of the woods and the cool salt scent of the sea. I felt filled with gratitude for it all.

While I was on the urban part of my walk I listened to my iPod. (I did learn last time; now I unplug when I enter the park.) This time I heard a podcast from Speaking of Faith, and it included a poem by Wendell Berry that I'd never heard before. I loved it so much that I came home to look it up, and now I'm sharing it with you.

The Peace of Wild Things

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
— Wendell Berry

"Day-blind stars" - oh that is beautiful....I close my eyes and I can see them through the sunlight.

Now it's time to run around and do chores and pull out the book materials....but this is a great start to the week.

Edited at 2:52 to add: I haven't accomplished this much in weeks! I scrubbed the bathroom (including a miserable 15 minutes on my knees scrubbing the ring off the tub with Bon Ami and a brush), vacuumed, stripped the beds, and much more. I'm tired now, but in the usual way - I was running around like a crazy person. Tomorrow I'll run at the art museum for Tessa's field trip, and the rest of the week I can do Hunts Point stuff. Fingers crossed that my energy sticks around....