Misery loves company

I went to breastcancer.org and found someone who just went off AIs and feels worse, too. I feel bad for her, bad for me....and not so alone.

Prayers for Hannah

Remember the sweet 10 year old girl (she just turned 11!) that I told you about? She's in surgery RIGHT NOW for her mastectomy. I happened to click on her blog and read the update that she'd be in surgery at 2pm today, a bit earlier than planned so that she'd be out for Mother's Day.

Prayers for Hannah are flying from me. Prayers for all of the little girls who one day face breast cancer....and particular prayers for this youngest of young patients to have to undergo this.

http://www.ourlittlesweetpea.com/?p=142&cpage=1#comment-971


PS No, I've never met Hannah. I've never had any contact with her except through her website, and one message from her Uncle Jordan in response to my post about her. But how can I not be touched deeply? She could be my daughter. She could be your daughter. And I know all too well about breast cancer and its effects....so I care.

Something...

...is wrong with me.

I have not felt this fatigued since I did chemo, and I don't know why. It feels worse day by day! I spent the morning at Tessa's school (my Thursday morning routine) and now I feel like napping. Except that I haven't worked this week, the house is a mess, I need to do errands....

And all that makes me want to cry because I just don't know how I'm going to do it. This is SO unlike me, I can't even tell you. It makes me so sad. Where is my energy?

I still have my workout clothes on, but I haven't worked out yet.

I have got to figure this out.

I am bailing on a fun girls' night out tonight because how on earth would I enjoy myself at 8pm and beyond?

This is ridiculous. Aggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

And I am irritable. REALLY irritable. Please let me apologise in advance. I am so miserable right now that it's leaking out everywhere, and if you're in my path it might leak on you. I'm sorry. I'm sure that I love you, I've just got issues.

Today I feel irritable, my house is a mess;
I spilled all my coffee, and I don't fit my best dress.
My energy's sapped, my hormones awry
And when I look up there are clouds in the sky.

Today I am irritable, hope tomorrow is better.
Some change! Anything! Even the weather.

(sigh.)

Exercise

I'm signed up to run a half marathon at the end of next month.

I'm more out of shape than I have been in 4 years. And at my highest weight in 4 years. (Ugh.)

The doc said, "Get exercising." There are a million reasons to do it.

Today I've got my running clothes on. Fingers crossed that this gives me energy rather than taking away more energy....

State of being

It is kind of scary to feel this low-energy fatigue.

I used to be energetic, right? I used to do all kinds of things! Did I use up all of my energy already?

I'm in bed. And I'm so tired.

I went for my annual physical today. I'm going to wait to see if going off Aromasin helps, and if I don't feel a bit better in a month then they're going to send me for a sleep study. I am awake often through the night and I feel like I don't get any REM sleep and of course that could be causing problems. If it's joint pain from the Aromasin and hot flashes that are keeping me up, then maybe it will get better on its own. I also have a sinus polyp, so do I have problems like apnea going on, too?

I'm also going to try a "sleep aid" - Ambien CR - again. Since I don't have trouble falling asleep, I have trouble staying asleep, the controlled release might help.

I am going to figure this out. It is impacting my every minute these days and I'm so tired of that. (Bad pun.) Enough already.

Bit better

Well, I skipped dinner last night (and those who know me know that I NEVER skip dinner!) and tossed and turned last night in bed, but I'm feeling a bit better today. Slogging through!

I have my annual physical today, so I happen to be going to the doc today anyway.

I'm sure that this is nothing, but for "nothing" it's highly inconvenient. Enough already!

Sick?

I feel crummy. Uh oh. (Sigh.)

Yup, it's still me

Exhausted. 5:48pm. IRRITATED.

Simplicity Circles and Life

Last night was our second simplicity circle, kindly led by Rev. Peg. Ryan and I have elected to hold it at our house so that we can both attend without worrying about a babysitter. (This is a mixed blessing. Tessa was full of energy yesterday, and I didn't do a good job of balancing my mom duties with my simplicity zen. Hmm. I'll do better next time.)

I was fascinated by the fact that I was the only one in the group who viewed simplicity as about time; the others in the group were widely focused on de-cluttering. This does make sense to me - if you can't locate your stuff, it's actually a time issue. For me, though I struggle with some clutter (who doesn't in America?!) I generally feel like I have it under enough control that I just want to focus on time right now. How is it that I feel pulled in so many directions?

Every minute of every day feels full. When I am as fatigued as I am, that is particularly difficult. I need downtime, and I realize that I don't give myself much of it. As I add "working mom" - even part time, even from home - to my list of life, I am realizing this more than ever. When I took on the project, I didn't let anything else go. Well, where did I think my time would come from?

I am learning how to say "no" to many volunteer opportunities, even though it pains me. I'm still doing volunteer work at Alki and Family Promise, but not as much as I had been doing. My house is clean, but not as clean as before. I'm still doing home cooked meals, but yesterday I bought a rotisserie chicken from PCC as the meal's centerpiece. I'm still gardening, but it always goes more slowly than I hoped.

Little adjustments here and there. I will find my balance. But simplicity isn't simple, it's complicated.

Are you living simply? Are you embracing your innermost ideal self and letting go of the clutter of your life, whether that's stuff or time? How are you paying attention to what is real and best and important, and letting go of the minutea that gets in the way? I am really interested in this dialogue - please share your thoughts in a comment or an email. I'd love to know what you're up to.

"Live simply that others may simply live." - Ghandi

I'm pretty convinced that I am on to something here....but I have a long ways to go.

Waiting for her to show up

I've been off Aromasin for a few days now.

My new self has not shown up. It is 8:04 and I'm going to crawl into bed now, while Ryan and Tessa are reading together. (She's reading HIM a story! I LOVE IT! She still insists that we read to her, which I also love.)

Anyway. I'm tired of feeling like this. I am not to expect a change for a month, but man this stinks.

It does not help that I was awake about a zillion times last night. Grrrr.

I'm waiting for great changes...

West Seattle Days

This morning, after coffee and snuggles in bed (I love it when Tessa comes bounding in on the weekends, filled with smiles and snuggles!), Tessa and I took off for the Junction, on foot with Shep and an empty basket, and Ryan set to working on a friend's bike.

Tessa and I spent a few hours at the Sustainable West Seattle Fair, and we even got our picture taken with the mayor, (I am hoping that exposure to politicians will help her to feel connected to the political process; she's had her picture taken with Mayor Nickels and Gov. Gregoire now.) which you can view on the West Seattle Blog at www.westseattleblog.com. Tessa got her "Undriver" license, whereby she promised to encourage her mom to carpool, skip the ride, bike, bus, or walk. We got free "green" lightbulbs, some magazine previews (for "Yes" and "Edible Seattle"), and literature about saving Puget Sound, visiting Camp Long, and the rest. Tessa got an on-the-spot crochet lesson with Elena (love running into friends!), and got her face painted by CoolMoms for a Hot Planet.

And then we headed to Skillet for lunch, and for meeting with Michele & Dave (Everett also in attendance, but Elliott was with his Grandma and Grandpa). We picnicked in the grass, Tessa picked weed-flowers from an abandoned lot, and we enjoyed the sun. And we also went to the Farmer's Market - smoked salmon, Cirrus cheese, asparagus, greens, the last frozen raspberries....

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

And now I've set the timer to take a half hour break, before I get in a couple hours of work on the book in preparation for tomorrow's meeting with my boss, Fred. I'll rest, then I'll dive back in to work on a sticky transition paragraph that's bugging me. Tessa and Ryan are off to a birthday party for a classmate....and Tessa is crocheting in the car.

What a lovely day.

Insurance battle

I'm due for my annual breast MRI.

I can't have mammograms, because a) the skin tissue is so thin that I literally imagine that it would burst under the pressure, and b) I have lymphaedema.

I would think that those reasons would be suffiencient, but no. Aetna says that I can't have an MRI without a mammogram.

No way am I getting a mammogram. It sounds dangerous to me, given my "unique" medical history, and I can't believe they'd suggest it. Plus, I fall into every risk category (greater than 25% of lifetime recurrence, implants, radiation to the chest...) so why on earth would they fight this?

I'm counting on Dr. Rinn to make my case but MAN this hacks me off. I have enough to do without fighting this!

Okay, back to writing. Harumph.

Balance

Today I'm working on balance. Working on the book....but trying to get some laundry done, too, and un-bury the house (which has become a disaster since I stopped dedicating so much time to it).

I want to work. I am falling in love with my Hunts Point project, really getting into it, and it's satisfying to me in a way that housework - ha! - never could be.

But I had a rhythm in my day that is lost. I used to keep the house relatively clean, with regular vacuuming and bathroom cleaning and all that. Laundry was pretty caught up - always a load to do, but not a mountain to do. Dinners were more planned.

And right now I'm scrambling, and I feel like my life is coated in doghair (yechhhhhhh) and my bathroom feels gritty and the laundry IS a mountain. So, I spent a couple of hours this morning working on that, and now it's not as totally disgusting, although not great, and now I'm going to try to immerse myself back into the book.

I just hope that the phone doesn't ring and that I don't get distracted by some other undone chore and that I don't find myself wandering to the fridge, which is oh-so-accessable....

This balance business is tough.