Tuesday, October 14, 2008

A battle of the wills: The victor is declared

I've been having this internal battle with myself since learning of the out of pocket costs for my upcoming surgery.

One of the voices in my head says, "Do it now! You need this! You deserve this! Get it over with!" and the other voice says, "You've made it this far, you can go a bit farther. It's hard enough to manage your finances without paying an additional $2000 that you can avoid. It's not preventing the surgery, it's just a delay."

The second voice has won. I called and rescheduled, and now my surgery is January 8. This was the earliest date in the year that I could get on the surgery schedule; hopefully I'll be fully recovered by Tessa's birthday. Okay, I won't be FULLY recovered, but hopefully I'll be recovered enough.

I talked to my therapist yesterday, and to Ryan last night, and to the girls on the breast cancer boards, and to a couple of friends. My therapist said that I should think about what I could do to feel like I'm putting myself first, even if I delay the surgery. This is what I'm thinking of now. How can I make myself feel rich and worthy, despite this decision? I'm open to ideas on this one. Of course, I don't want to spend money on myself right now - if I was doign that I'd just have the surgery - but my life isn't about money, so maybe I can come up with a better idea. Any genius ideas floating around out there that you can share?

Doing the right thing is difficult. It comes at a cost. Hopefully, I will come to realize that the cost of not doing the right thing would be even higher, and I can revel in that. Hopefully.


Anna Banana said...

Do you crochet?
Or quilt?
Sending good thoughts to you,
Anna B

Anonymous said...

Sounds like you are already willing to wait for the surgery to save money. But you should think about how you you would give right now to get rid of the expanders. Is $2k worth nearly 4 more months of this? Would you pay $100 this week to do the exchange? Sure seems like some of your sadness comes from your expanders; literally and figuratively they are right at your core.

Anyway, if you tough it out and wait, take advantage of the money you saved. Spend the "saved" money on things that will make YOU happy. A little extra to charity, some new clothes (organic cotton, fairly made), some good times out in the world, something special for the home, a special savings account for the future. Otherwise, you'll just be uncomfortable for months and have nothing to show for having saved the money.

Kristina said...

Anna Banana, I don't crochet or quilt but you're onto something....doing something creative would be good for my soul.

Anonymous, you are absolutely right that the expanders are the seat of my sadness; there is no question about that in my mind. However, I have learned that sadness also comes from not doign the right thing (or not living according to my values), and our family can not afford another $2000 payment. I can not take the "saved" money and apply it to something else, as that is the crux of the problem. If we were just pulling it out of savings, there would be no problem - I'd go for it. As it is, however, we are facing debts that sometimes seem insurmountable, and the "saved" money is really not saved at all, it's just not added to the pile of debts we've already accrued.

I would love to treat myself in the ways you've described, but alas, that's not my situation right now.

What I will have to show for my four months of discomfort is a sense of financial integrity. I wish I could get more than that, but it needs to be enough.

Anonymous said...

If it's not an option because of money, then don't second guess your "choice". It is simply beyond your control, like if your choice surgeon went on sabatical or the hospital was booked out for months. You'll get the exchange in January and be better than ever.

You've just "bought" nearly 4 more months to be fit and make sure your body is in the best shape possible for recovery. And you don't have to try to recover and fake it through a fantastic fall season and the best holidays of the year. You'll look FINE in 2009!