I'm a nervous wreck over here. Can I just be DONE already?
I'm being a bigger baby for surgery #10 than I was for surgery #1 (which, I shouldn't have to point out, was a mastectomy, not "merely" reconstruction and corrections).
Wahhhhhh.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Not me
I'm sure that there are women all over breast cancer world who prepare for their tenth surgery since diagnosis by cleaning their homes, stocking their fridges full of food, writing thoughtful notes to friends, and walking the dog even though it's raining.
It turns out that I am not one of those people.
I spent the day having the wonderful distraction of going to SAM with Laurie to relax, and having lunch there. When I got home I remembered some books that I wanted to place on hold for the library, so I did that. I will get to the grocery store soon, I'm sure.
But I'm sad, and feeling confused, and not myself. I know I would feel so much better if I got some things done - heck, I haven't even put the sheets back on the bed yet! - but I feel a little lost as I mentally prepare for this surgery. I know what to do but I'm just feeling lost and unable.
Because it's not a big deal...right? I'll be okay....right? My family will be fine, right? And I'll heal okay? And I won't have a breakdown.....please?
Sigh. So much for getting easier over time.
By this time tomorrow I should be on my way home, done with the cutting part.
It turns out that I am not one of those people.
I spent the day having the wonderful distraction of going to SAM with Laurie to relax, and having lunch there. When I got home I remembered some books that I wanted to place on hold for the library, so I did that. I will get to the grocery store soon, I'm sure.
But I'm sad, and feeling confused, and not myself. I know I would feel so much better if I got some things done - heck, I haven't even put the sheets back on the bed yet! - but I feel a little lost as I mentally prepare for this surgery. I know what to do but I'm just feeling lost and unable.
Because it's not a big deal...right? I'll be okay....right? My family will be fine, right? And I'll heal okay? And I won't have a breakdown.....please?
Sigh. So much for getting easier over time.
By this time tomorrow I should be on my way home, done with the cutting part.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Gifts
This morning, I had my first reiki session - a gift from a fellow UU. It was relaxing, and if it helps me to heal, then it's the best gift in the world. The "prescription" is four sessions the week of surgery, so we'll be doing it again soon.
I'm also setting up Tessa's birthday. This year, in lieu of a party, we are going to spend a day with horses. (Shhhh - don't tell her, it's a surprise!) We were sort of debating what kind of party, how many people, where, what activities....and it was all too much. So, for the first time, we're just going to keep it simple. Tessa's friend Anna will spend the night, and in the morning we are going to head to Christine's to spend the day with her....and her horses. For the first time, Tessa will get to groom a horse, and she'll also get to ride, etc. I'll pack a picnic, and I think it will be incredibly fun. It's simple, but I think it'll fulfill one of Tessa's deepest wishes - and that is the best.
I have also been blessed to have friends call and set up childcare, dinners, and the like for my recovery after surgery. I am so thankful to have these people in my life.
Still behind on my to-do list....still trying. Better get back to it! It wouldn't surprise me if we lost power today, because the wind is whipping around outside. Fingers crossed that when it starts raining (we're expecting several inches, according to the forecast) our basement doesn't flood like it did last year. I did seal the concrete, but fingers are crossed that it did the trick....
I'm also setting up Tessa's birthday. This year, in lieu of a party, we are going to spend a day with horses. (Shhhh - don't tell her, it's a surprise!) We were sort of debating what kind of party, how many people, where, what activities....and it was all too much. So, for the first time, we're just going to keep it simple. Tessa's friend Anna will spend the night, and in the morning we are going to head to Christine's to spend the day with her....and her horses. For the first time, Tessa will get to groom a horse, and she'll also get to ride, etc. I'll pack a picnic, and I think it will be incredibly fun. It's simple, but I think it'll fulfill one of Tessa's deepest wishes - and that is the best.
I have also been blessed to have friends call and set up childcare, dinners, and the like for my recovery after surgery. I am so thankful to have these people in my life.
Still behind on my to-do list....still trying. Better get back to it! It wouldn't surprise me if we lost power today, because the wind is whipping around outside. Fingers crossed that when it starts raining (we're expecting several inches, according to the forecast) our basement doesn't flood like it did last year. I did seal the concrete, but fingers are crossed that it did the trick....
Monday, January 05, 2009
No instant results
I weighed myself this morning. Nothing had budged. If anything, it looked like things went UP a pound. GRRRR! I ate 23 points yesterday, so I'm still on track, and I'm determined to see it through.
Doing chores at home this morning, then walk the dog (and get my own exercise in the process), and then work on the book this afternoon before picking up Tessa.
By the way, it looked like a winter wonderland when I went to bed last night, but now there's just some slush all over the place. It's relatively warm out and everything is melting away.
Doing chores at home this morning, then walk the dog (and get my own exercise in the process), and then work on the book this afternoon before picking up Tessa.
By the way, it looked like a winter wonderland when I went to bed last night, but now there's just some slush all over the place. It's relatively warm out and everything is melting away.
Sunday, January 04, 2009
Please don't say that
A telephone solicitor from the Democratic National Committee called. Blah blah blah please donate.
I said, "I'm sorry, but I'm a breast cancer survivor and all of our money is going to fight breast cancer right now."
The solicitor did not take the hint - subtle as a brick - and kept going.
"I'm sorry to hear that. Please know that the DNC is doing everything possible to work on legislation for terminal patients such as yourself."
YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT?!
I was too horrified - and stung - to spit out a retort.
I said, "I'm sorry, but I'm a breast cancer survivor and all of our money is going to fight breast cancer right now."
The solicitor did not take the hint - subtle as a brick - and kept going.
"I'm sorry to hear that. Please know that the DNC is doing everything possible to work on legislation for terminal patients such as yourself."
YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT?!
I was too horrified - and stung - to spit out a retort.
Solstice Play, Snow, and Stuff
The "solstice" play "Animals in Winter" was presented at church today, and it was a roaring success. LOTS of people participated, and there was giggling, and everyone seemed to have a good time. If they learned a little about migration, adaptation, and the like, then all the better...I'm just glad it wasn't a huge flop.
I'm in a bit of a confused state as we begin the week. Tessa back to school, working on the Hunt's Point Book, finding the routine of the year and....what was that other thing?
Oh, right. Surgery. Surgery #10. I say "number ten" all the time because I am still completely in shock that this is my life - this series of surgeries.
Of course, it could be a lot worse. I could be dead. I could be in chemo again. It could be worse. But really, is it too much to ask that it gets a bit better?
I want to be out of pain, and I find it somewhat ironic that to get out of pain I must get further into it. My expanders - rocks like baseballs stitched into my chest - are painful. My back constantly aches, my chest aches, my whole body just feels out of whack as a result of these things. They interrupt my sleep (try putting some baseballs in your shirt and then sleeping with them for a small idea of what I mean) and many motions and movements pull on me. I heard someone say once that it was like wearing a lifejacket two sizes too small. Yes, it is like that. (But stitch the life jacket to your chest for the whole effect, and put baseballs in there somewhere, too. I feel tight and tense and after a while it just hurts.
Soooo, the up side is that on Thursday they will put in implants instead of expanders, and this should be a huge improvement. They should sit in a pocket instead of being stitched to my chest. They should be soft.
I should stop hurting.
But first, I have to hurt more - it's inevitable, with surgery. And hopefully it's worth it. But despite my awareness of AIDS orphans in Africa, and homeless people in Seattle, and people with no friends or family, and child abuse, and all the rest....today I'm still feeling a bit sorry for myself that this is my path. I know it could be worse, but...
I do not forget that Kristin would have loved to have my "simple" complaints, and that she isn't here any more.
It's hard to walk the line with self awareness, acknowledging pain while acknowledging one's place in the universe. I haven't got it figured out by any means. I do know that I hurt and I need to say so; I also know that it could be worse, and I need to say that, too.
In totally different notes....
Our basement "remodel" looks great, I think. The couches are comfy and non-hideous (really, the others weren't great), and I'm pleased at the arrangement that suits four adults. And we got to pass along the old couch already, without the trip to Goodwill! Yesterday, the schedule was tight and the couch was large and so we ended up putting it in our garage with the intention of listing it on Craigslist for free. Today, however, we still hadn't done so, and when we came home after church/lunch/errands we ran into a neighbor in the alley and jokingly offered it to him. He didn't need it - but he knew a couple who just bought their first house, who didn't have any furniture, and who were getting married this weekend and had out of town visitors coming. Numbers were exchanged, and fifteen minutes later, they came with a truck to pick up the couch and chair. I LOVE it when something like that works out!
And did I mention yet that it looks like a blizzard outside? Everything is white, blustery, and blowing. This, despite the fact that earlier today the Olympics and Cascades were picture-perfect. I'm told that it's a short term thing, sure to melt tonight, but it doesn't look like it at the moment. Craziness.
Over and out - off to lentil soup for dinner.
I'm in a bit of a confused state as we begin the week. Tessa back to school, working on the Hunt's Point Book, finding the routine of the year and....what was that other thing?
Oh, right. Surgery. Surgery #10. I say "number ten" all the time because I am still completely in shock that this is my life - this series of surgeries.
Of course, it could be a lot worse. I could be dead. I could be in chemo again. It could be worse. But really, is it too much to ask that it gets a bit better?
I want to be out of pain, and I find it somewhat ironic that to get out of pain I must get further into it. My expanders - rocks like baseballs stitched into my chest - are painful. My back constantly aches, my chest aches, my whole body just feels out of whack as a result of these things. They interrupt my sleep (try putting some baseballs in your shirt and then sleeping with them for a small idea of what I mean) and many motions and movements pull on me. I heard someone say once that it was like wearing a lifejacket two sizes too small. Yes, it is like that. (But stitch the life jacket to your chest for the whole effect, and put baseballs in there somewhere, too. I feel tight and tense and after a while it just hurts.
Soooo, the up side is that on Thursday they will put in implants instead of expanders, and this should be a huge improvement. They should sit in a pocket instead of being stitched to my chest. They should be soft.
I should stop hurting.
But first, I have to hurt more - it's inevitable, with surgery. And hopefully it's worth it. But despite my awareness of AIDS orphans in Africa, and homeless people in Seattle, and people with no friends or family, and child abuse, and all the rest....today I'm still feeling a bit sorry for myself that this is my path. I know it could be worse, but...
I do not forget that Kristin would have loved to have my "simple" complaints, and that she isn't here any more.
It's hard to walk the line with self awareness, acknowledging pain while acknowledging one's place in the universe. I haven't got it figured out by any means. I do know that I hurt and I need to say so; I also know that it could be worse, and I need to say that, too.
In totally different notes....
Our basement "remodel" looks great, I think. The couches are comfy and non-hideous (really, the others weren't great), and I'm pleased at the arrangement that suits four adults. And we got to pass along the old couch already, without the trip to Goodwill! Yesterday, the schedule was tight and the couch was large and so we ended up putting it in our garage with the intention of listing it on Craigslist for free. Today, however, we still hadn't done so, and when we came home after church/lunch/errands we ran into a neighbor in the alley and jokingly offered it to him. He didn't need it - but he knew a couple who just bought their first house, who didn't have any furniture, and who were getting married this weekend and had out of town visitors coming. Numbers were exchanged, and fifteen minutes later, they came with a truck to pick up the couch and chair. I LOVE it when something like that works out!
And did I mention yet that it looks like a blizzard outside? Everything is white, blustery, and blowing. This, despite the fact that earlier today the Olympics and Cascades were picture-perfect. I'm told that it's a short term thing, sure to melt tonight, but it doesn't look like it at the moment. Craziness.
Over and out - off to lentil soup for dinner.
Saturday, January 03, 2009
Gone
Edited because the family is requesting privacy (which I would like to respect).
The bottom line? Another woman taken away from her family by evil breast cancer. Too young, too beautiful....and cancer didn't discriminate.
The bottom line? Another woman taken away from her family by evil breast cancer. Too young, too beautiful....and cancer didn't discriminate.
The basement "remodel"
Other people's remodels involve drywall, lighting, and such. Mine involves some hand me down furniture, but I am delighted!
First, generous Eileen gave Ryan and I her old - but beautiful - entertainment center armoire and a bigger-than-ours TV. Then, Heather called and asked if we'd like their old couch because they were investing in a new set of living room furniture for their house. (Yes!) Because removing the old couch and installing a new one involved removing a side window on the house (don't ask!), I decided that now was the time to get a loveseat (which, I decided, was my ideal configuration; easily seating four adults) to replace the chair.
Done! I'm happy with the results. We did a pizza and movies night with the Hisatomi's this evening, and it was suitably comfortable. Cozy - the room didn't grow in this process - but very comfy.
Weight...well, coulda been better, coulda been worse.
Bowl of peas - 1
Almonds - 2
Veggie Pizza - 12
Salad - 6 (lots of "good" stuff in it)
ice cream - 4
Total = 25, so used 3 flex points. Okey dokey.
Church - and the belated children's play - is tomorrow. I'm looking forward to that.
First, generous Eileen gave Ryan and I her old - but beautiful - entertainment center armoire and a bigger-than-ours TV. Then, Heather called and asked if we'd like their old couch because they were investing in a new set of living room furniture for their house. (Yes!) Because removing the old couch and installing a new one involved removing a side window on the house (don't ask!), I decided that now was the time to get a loveseat (which, I decided, was my ideal configuration; easily seating four adults) to replace the chair.
Done! I'm happy with the results. We did a pizza and movies night with the Hisatomi's this evening, and it was suitably comfortable. Cozy - the room didn't grow in this process - but very comfy.
Weight...well, coulda been better, coulda been worse.
Bowl of peas - 1
Almonds - 2
Veggie Pizza - 12
Salad - 6 (lots of "good" stuff in it)
ice cream - 4
Total = 25, so used 3 flex points. Okey dokey.
Church - and the belated children's play - is tomorrow. I'm looking forward to that.
Friday, January 02, 2009
Counting
I'm not officially on Weight Watchers - I'm going to attempt to go it alone for the next month, especially with my surgery impending (six days and counting). But today I ate healthy food, and counted up the points.
1/2 slice cranberry bread - 2 (not the most auspicious beginning to the day!)
sushi - 8
lentil soup - 4
whole wheat roll - 2
chocolate - 1
apple - 1
crackers with bruschetta topping - 3
So total points were 22. The lentil soup had a ton of veggies in it, so my day was not as bereft of fruits and veggies as it first appeared....but still, not perfect. (Aiming for 5 fruits and veggies, I think I scored perhaps 4. Maybe 3.5.)
I poured myself a glass of wine to go with dinner, but only had a sip or two - just not worth it to me. I should have had a banana instead of cranberry bread, and I knew it, but still....not too bad. Not bad at all.
Every day counts. Today counted in the right direction.
1/2 slice cranberry bread - 2 (not the most auspicious beginning to the day!)
sushi - 8
lentil soup - 4
whole wheat roll - 2
chocolate - 1
apple - 1
crackers with bruschetta topping - 3
So total points were 22. The lentil soup had a ton of veggies in it, so my day was not as bereft of fruits and veggies as it first appeared....but still, not perfect. (Aiming for 5 fruits and veggies, I think I scored perhaps 4. Maybe 3.5.)
I poured myself a glass of wine to go with dinner, but only had a sip or two - just not worth it to me. I should have had a banana instead of cranberry bread, and I knew it, but still....not too bad. Not bad at all.
Every day counts. Today counted in the right direction.
Wonderful words
I discovered this on another blog, and I'm really mulling it over right now, and letting it sink in. Maybe it will resonate with you, too.
Greatness? Yeah, Baby!
"Our worst fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God; your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some of us, it is in everyone, and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."- Marianne Williamson
Greatness? Yeah, Baby!
"Our worst fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God; your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some of us, it is in everyone, and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."- Marianne Williamson
Commitment
Today I tried on a pair of my go-to jeans.
They didn't zip.
So I registered for the Seattle Rock'n'Roll 1/2 Marathon on June 27th. Let's take care of this, for once and for all.
My initial training will be delayed because of surgery, but I'm going to get this taken care of, one way of the other!
They didn't zip.
So I registered for the Seattle Rock'n'Roll 1/2 Marathon on June 27th. Let's take care of this, for once and for all.
My initial training will be delayed because of surgery, but I'm going to get this taken care of, one way of the other!
The scale
I am back to my pre-cancer weight.
Insert your expletive of choice here. (sigh)
I know what to do. I must do it.
Insert your expletive of choice here. (sigh)
I know what to do. I must do it.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Happy new year
2009 has come in softly, quietly, and I hope that it's an omen that the year will be drama-free, focused on what is important, joyful, and filled with small gatherings of friends.
Last night was lovely and quiet, and I enjoyed "Meditation on a Candle Flame" which is a free podcast on iTunes. Check it out - it's wonderful for someone like me, because I have monkey-mind and having a guided meditation is so much more effective at keeping me focused on that which I'm attempting to focus. I wrote in my journal, had just one glass of wine, sat quietly with Ryan, and didn't attempt to go beyond the moment.
This morning, I baked fresh granola, and we had Paul & Libby over for our traditional New Year's brunch. (We've done it at their house, and at restuarants, but this was the first time in memory at our house.) Fresh fruit, home made granola, yogurt, coffee....a simple feast. Oh, with some home made cranberry loaf, too (which is actually very healthy).
Now, Paul & Libby are gone, and Ryan is working on his bike. I took Shep for a very rainy walk ("invigorating" is what I'm telling myself), and after I finish here I will change out of my now-damp clothes and then take Tessa to the Hisatomi's for a kid playdate. The moms are headed to "Marley & Me" downtown, and Randal is watching Tessa so that Ryan can have some much needed downtime....he's been working so hard, and taking little to no days off, and he needs some quiet, too.
And New Year's Resolutions? This year, I'm resolved to just keep going. I've made wonderful strides in lots of directions - health, family, work, home, greening, friendship, money, spirituality - and so instead of beating myself up and focusing on what needs to change, I am merely recommitting to those things that I'd been working on all along. I suppose that is a major difference from other years, where I've beaten myself up for what I had not accomplished; this year may be no different in that regard (or maybe it is) but my mindset has changed. My "to-do" list is always longer than humanly possible, but rather than focusing on that I'm trying to live in the moment, to tackle what I can do now, and then to enjoy it, too.
Speaking of which, I am so glad I cleaned house in symbolic preparation for New Year's. It was SO nice to wake up to, and we all feel inspired to put things away properly and to revel in the order just a bit more than usual.
Simple things. I used to think that simple things were for simple minds, but now I've realized that the simple things are often the most important, and the most difficult, and I'm trying to settle in with that.
Happy new year, everyone. I hope that you can live in the moment for a while today, too, and feel content in yourself.
Last night was lovely and quiet, and I enjoyed "Meditation on a Candle Flame" which is a free podcast on iTunes. Check it out - it's wonderful for someone like me, because I have monkey-mind and having a guided meditation is so much more effective at keeping me focused on that which I'm attempting to focus. I wrote in my journal, had just one glass of wine, sat quietly with Ryan, and didn't attempt to go beyond the moment.
This morning, I baked fresh granola, and we had Paul & Libby over for our traditional New Year's brunch. (We've done it at their house, and at restuarants, but this was the first time in memory at our house.) Fresh fruit, home made granola, yogurt, coffee....a simple feast. Oh, with some home made cranberry loaf, too (which is actually very healthy).
Now, Paul & Libby are gone, and Ryan is working on his bike. I took Shep for a very rainy walk ("invigorating" is what I'm telling myself), and after I finish here I will change out of my now-damp clothes and then take Tessa to the Hisatomi's for a kid playdate. The moms are headed to "Marley & Me" downtown, and Randal is watching Tessa so that Ryan can have some much needed downtime....he's been working so hard, and taking little to no days off, and he needs some quiet, too.
And New Year's Resolutions? This year, I'm resolved to just keep going. I've made wonderful strides in lots of directions - health, family, work, home, greening, friendship, money, spirituality - and so instead of beating myself up and focusing on what needs to change, I am merely recommitting to those things that I'd been working on all along. I suppose that is a major difference from other years, where I've beaten myself up for what I had not accomplished; this year may be no different in that regard (or maybe it is) but my mindset has changed. My "to-do" list is always longer than humanly possible, but rather than focusing on that I'm trying to live in the moment, to tackle what I can do now, and then to enjoy it, too.
Speaking of which, I am so glad I cleaned house in symbolic preparation for New Year's. It was SO nice to wake up to, and we all feel inspired to put things away properly and to revel in the order just a bit more than usual.
Simple things. I used to think that simple things were for simple minds, but now I've realized that the simple things are often the most important, and the most difficult, and I'm trying to settle in with that.
Happy new year, everyone. I hope that you can live in the moment for a while today, too, and feel content in yourself.
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