Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Not me

I'm sure that there are women all over breast cancer world who prepare for their tenth surgery since diagnosis by cleaning their homes, stocking their fridges full of food, writing thoughtful notes to friends, and walking the dog even though it's raining.

It turns out that I am not one of those people.

I spent the day having the wonderful distraction of going to SAM with Laurie to relax, and having lunch there. When I got home I remembered some books that I wanted to place on hold for the library, so I did that. I will get to the grocery store soon, I'm sure.

But I'm sad, and feeling confused, and not myself. I know I would feel so much better if I got some things done - heck, I haven't even put the sheets back on the bed yet! - but I feel a little lost as I mentally prepare for this surgery. I know what to do but I'm just feeling lost and unable.

Because it's not a big deal...right? I'll be okay....right? My family will be fine, right? And I'll heal okay? And I won't have a breakdown.....please?

Sigh. So much for getting easier over time.

By this time tomorrow I should be on my way home, done with the cutting part.


Anna Banana said...

Wishing you the best.

Shannon Miller said...

Kristina! I am praying for you!!! The most important thing is giving yourself grace as you step into this...the groceries will take care of themselves (if not I have one great sister who will gladly get them for you) will stink, but you will heal a little each day. Sending you a big hug!

Julie said...


Good luck tomorrow with everything. I hope this is the last surgery you ever need to have.