Sunday, January 04, 2009

Solstice Play, Snow, and Stuff

The "solstice" play "Animals in Winter" was presented at church today, and it was a roaring success. LOTS of people participated, and there was giggling, and everyone seemed to have a good time. If they learned a little about migration, adaptation, and the like, then all the better...I'm just glad it wasn't a huge flop.

I'm in a bit of a confused state as we begin the week. Tessa back to school, working on the Hunt's Point Book, finding the routine of the year and....what was that other thing?

Oh, right. Surgery. Surgery #10. I say "number ten" all the time because I am still completely in shock that this is my life - this series of surgeries.

Of course, it could be a lot worse. I could be dead. I could be in chemo again. It could be worse. But really, is it too much to ask that it gets a bit better?

I want to be out of pain, and I find it somewhat ironic that to get out of pain I must get further into it. My expanders - rocks like baseballs stitched into my chest - are painful. My back constantly aches, my chest aches, my whole body just feels out of whack as a result of these things. They interrupt my sleep (try putting some baseballs in your shirt and then sleeping with them for a small idea of what I mean) and many motions and movements pull on me. I heard someone say once that it was like wearing a lifejacket two sizes too small. Yes, it is like that. (But stitch the life jacket to your chest for the whole effect, and put baseballs in there somewhere, too. I feel tight and tense and after a while it just hurts.

Soooo, the up side is that on Thursday they will put in implants instead of expanders, and this should be a huge improvement. They should sit in a pocket instead of being stitched to my chest. They should be soft.

I should stop hurting.

But first, I have to hurt more - it's inevitable, with surgery. And hopefully it's worth it. But despite my awareness of AIDS orphans in Africa, and homeless people in Seattle, and people with no friends or family, and child abuse, and all the I'm still feeling a bit sorry for myself that this is my path. I know it could be worse, but...

I do not forget that Kristin would have loved to have my "simple" complaints, and that she isn't here any more.

It's hard to walk the line with self awareness, acknowledging pain while acknowledging one's place in the universe. I haven't got it figured out by any means. I do know that I hurt and I need to say so; I also know that it could be worse, and I need to say that, too.

In totally different notes....

Our basement "remodel" looks great, I think. The couches are comfy and non-hideous (really, the others weren't great), and I'm pleased at the arrangement that suits four adults. And we got to pass along the old couch already, without the trip to Goodwill! Yesterday, the schedule was tight and the couch was large and so we ended up putting it in our garage with the intention of listing it on Craigslist for free. Today, however, we still hadn't done so, and when we came home after church/lunch/errands we ran into a neighbor in the alley and jokingly offered it to him. He didn't need it - but he knew a couple who just bought their first house, who didn't have any furniture, and who were getting married this weekend and had out of town visitors coming. Numbers were exchanged, and fifteen minutes later, they came with a truck to pick up the couch and chair. I LOVE it when something like that works out!

And did I mention yet that it looks like a blizzard outside? Everything is white, blustery, and blowing. This, despite the fact that earlier today the Olympics and Cascades were picture-perfect. I'm told that it's a short term thing, sure to melt tonight, but it doesn't look like it at the moment. Craziness.

Over and out - off to lentil soup for dinner.


Shannon Miller said...

Kristina! I'm praying for you! I know it is different, way different but having hit the surgery # 10 mark with congenital foot & knee issues I know how discouraged I are in my thoughts sweet woman!

Caley said...


I'm so sorry we didn't get to visit more while I was home. You are in my thoughts and prayers always. I am reading a book about how the soul grows through loss and I will have to pass it along to you when I'm done. It approaches many of the questions you've voiced and while it does not answer all questions, I find that it does make sense of some things and it's comforting in that. I love you and I miss you.