Sunday, April 06, 2008

Working it through

I had a terrible night's sleep last night.

I dreamed that Melinda and Cathy came to my room while I was sleeping, and they were debating whether they should take me with them. In my dream, I said, "Please! No! I'm not ready to die!" and they were very kind but explained that it wasn't their choice, but that they had to take someone. I begged them not to take me, to take someone else instead....and woke up crying.


Now let it be said here that I don't see Melinda and Cathy as "ghosties" - I see them as magnificent women. In this dream, they were not demons, and they were not happy about their role, and they were there to help....but I begged them not to take me.

It's no secret that I don't want to die, that fears rest upon me, and that it's not surprising that my fears would work themselves out in dreams. That didn't make it any less terrifying.

And then this morning we went to church, which meant that for the first time I put on a full set of clothes, and shoes, and made it outside. It was good to go to church, and share my gratitude for the help the congregation has given.

Two more cancer moments after that...

After church I was tired, so while Ryan and Tessa headed to the Farmer's Market, I channel surfed at home. But the movie that looked like a cute romance set in Seattle (my first thought was "hey that's Hammering Man!") turned about to be about a woman with cancer. And within 10 minutes of my turning it on, she was dead. Damn. That was not uplifting.

And then Heather took me to the movies in West Seattle, and we saw the light comedy "27 Dresses." In general, it was just what I needed - light, funny, girl-movie, only 2 miles from home - but with one drawback. In the opening scene, we meet a little girl named Tess whose mom just died. That is not at all the focus of the movie, but that's how it starts.

Well, CRAP. That's not funny.

I really hope that I can adjust to my new reality where stuff like this doesn't hit me quite so hard. The movie was good, and it wasn't ruined for me because of that opening scene....but it did sting.

I'm sure it'll get easier when I'm not hurting, when my body is more healed, when I'm not so tired from surgery. But it's all a bit of a stretch right now.

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