Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Bad dreams

This morning, early in the morning (5am or so) I had a bad dream.

My hand was hurting, so I went to the doctor. They did scans, and solemnly told me, "We're sorry, it's hand cancer. We'll have to remove your hand. It's on both sides of your wrist, and into your fingers." I remember thinking "I wish it wasn't my right hand" and then I woke up.

And in real life, my hand and wrist were just hurting hurting hurting. And I realized that the pain had gone through my dream. Phew - what a relief to realize that I didn't have "hand cancer," whatever that might be.

But I have pain. Real pain. Pain that makes it hard to move sometimes. Pain in my wrists, fingers, feet, knees, everywhere. Pain that wakes me up at night. Pain that makes me change the way I move around. Pain that makes me slow(er). What I do, I do despite the pain. It's a mind game I play. So when you see me moving quickly, it is in spite of it. And I'm so tired of that.

I think the pain is making me tired, too.

I blame it on the Aromasin - it's known to cause joint issues.

I have a call in to Dr. Rinn and I'm hoping for a return call this evening. I do not want to take one more day of AIs. I feel ancient, and I have no energy, and I just hurt so much.

Someone pointed out to me, "Look at your blog - you have good days, too." Yes, I want to say, this is true. I have so much in my life to love. But the pain is shadowing all of it. It is with me all the time now and sometimes I push it to the background so that I can focus on something else, but it keeps coming back.

I'm hoping to switch to tamoxifen. One of its side effects can be weight gain. I hope that I'm immune.

When I was undergoing chemo, I thought that anything would be better. With radiation burns, I thought anything would be better. And now....I know that there are lots of things that are worse, but I do not feel good. Or good enough. And I want to change that.

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