The first time

Today was the first time, ever, that I wished that Tessa would have a sibling.

Today Camille was over for the morning - and Tessa made my "job" so easy. She shared, she helped Camille, she even told me when it was time for a diaper change. She encouraged Camille, she tried to teach her things (like "Camille, this is a baby horse. Do you know what a baby horse is called?" and then supplying the answer, "A foal!"). She was gentle, tender, and delightful. And she was having a blast, too - I could tell she felt like such a "big kid" and was delighted to show someone younger the ropes...on her own terms. I was able to do tons of chores, chat on the phone....and just delight in watching them. Camille had a smile on her face the whole time, following Tessa's lead and playing and chatting. It was nothing short of lovely.

I do not want a second child. I'm not changing my mind. I have been expecting this moment for years, wondering when I'd have the pangs, and I've actually been quite startled at my level of contentedness at having one child - feelings of joy mixed with relief, because I know I'm a better parent to one child than I could be to two. (I admire parents of more than one child immensely: I know them to be more patient than myself! It's a good thing I know my limits.) I LOVE having an only child, and it is absolutely the right thing for our whole family. I even think that Tessa loves being an only child - she adores her playdates, but at the end of the day she wants time to herself.

But today I saw what kind of big sister Tessa might have been. Today I saw how the other side might have looked. Of course, it helps that Camille is such an integral part of our lives, and has a very special place in my heart....I adore her and love her and delight on her, all on her own. Today I saw how fabulous Tessa would have been, and how much she would have enjoyed a sibling, and I ached for what will not be.

This moment passes. We dropped off Camille (funny enough, roadside! - we were walking to the Junction and Heather drove by and scooped up Camille), and Tessa and I fell back into our usual talking about this and that and though I'd been enjoying having the two children together (Tessa was pushing Camille in the jogger, at Tessa's insistance and Camille's delight, while I held Shep's leash; I was proud of myself for getting it together and walking with them, even though we WERE five minutes late for preschool)....at the end of the day I love it being just Tessa and I (and Ryan!).

Siblings don't always get along, and I know that not every moment with siblings in a household is like what I saw today. I'm glad that I got to see today's events, and see the love between these two children, and the joy they had in one another's company. I have not changed my mind about the path we chose. Still, it was bittersweet to see what might have been. Tessa would have been a great sister.

We find our joy in a different package, but it's not often that I get a complete window into the road not taken, and today I saw life through different eyes. It doesn't make me regret our choices, even though I felt my chest tighten as I realized what I was seeing. It is what it is; there are different ways to find joy.

And Camille is welcome here any day of the week. :-)