Tuesday, March 25, 2008


Today Tessa is MUCH better. We went to a Dahl ladies' family lunch, then surprised Melissa and Ross with a pop-in to their office at the church just around the corner. This afternoon we took care of Kelton and Camille, and Anna is here now. These things are good.

What's not so good is that there are several girls on YSC who are crashing. Jessica was someone I didn't know well, but she was posting her treatment plans earlier this month, and today she died. She DIED! Last night she was struggling, but still cracking jokes with her husband, and now she's gone. Another girl is drugged to the state of being incoherent, something with her spinal fluid....could it be....? And Mama Cath is slipping away. She can no longer drink through a straw, and hasn't had solid food in quite some time. She only takes water through a syringe that her loving husband feeds to her. She is incoherent and sleeps most of the time. Her three year old is watching his mother slip away.

And it is NOT OKAY. It's NOT OKAY! I yell to the universe, I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS! I DO NOT ACCEPT THIS!

So, I have a psychosomatic stomachache. I'm not sick, really. But I am deeply, truly, sick of this.

What is my fate? Will I, too, one day be laughing, and the next be dying?

Oh, such morbid questions. I'd love to reply with something like "I'm too stubborn to die right now" but it just doesn't work like that.

I hope to live to be old. But the injustices of the world sometimes make me hurt too much. It's too much.

How's that for depressing? Sorry, dear readers. Some days are like that.

Still, my friends are kind, my house is warm (hey! I adjsuted to 66 degrees!), my family large and loving. I am listening to Tessa and Anna delight in one another and their made up game of baby gymnastics daycare. The world is not ending, even when my heart is cracking open.

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