Friday, March 28, 2008

Good Mommy

Well, the days countdown until my surgery is on,and I'm determined to be a good mommy. Today Tessa went to kids' gym at the Y (which she's ME who struggles to go and work out these days) with Jessie and Zoe, and then we all loaded up in Katie's car and went to the Science Center. We just got back, tired and ready for a quiet evening at home.

I'm about to make a soup with the leftover hambone from Easter, and we'll have a simple dinner.

Tomorrow we have no scheduled activities until a hang-out and movie night (at home) with friends Michele & Dave, and it is actually nice to have such a low-key weekend in the works. We'll attend church as a family, too, but that's about it.

Big sigh of relief - we're all tired. Ryan's home safe from Austin, Tessa's struggling with fatigue from allergies, and I'm just struggling.

Still fakin' it, trying to make it. I'm doing a lot better than on some days, although I'm more tired than usual by these little efforts. While Ryan was gone I would tuck Tessa into bed at 8:15 or 8:30 and then go IMMEDIATELY to my own bed, reading (I'm on my third Jane Austin book now, having finished Sense and Sensibility, and also finishing Pride and Prejudice, I've moved on to Mansfield Park) before falling asleep well in advance of 10pm (usually before 9:30pm!) and then struggling to get up before 8am.

I'm realizing that my thyroid may be off...looking into that.

My therapist also gave me a talking to/lecture about exercise. I broke down crying, saying "I wanted to run a marathon and this stupid surgery sets me back every time and I'm just so frustrated I don't have the energy to do anything right now!" to which she (kindly) laughed and pointed out that I'd set the bar rather high for myself. She was thinking of a 20 minute walk each day, and I'm thinking of a marathon. Sigh. This is, all too often, how I judge myself.

Yesterday I took Shep for a good long walk for a couple of miles, and listened to a podcast of WSUU sermon called "Fear of Falling" from a Sunday that I'd missed. The sermon was PERFECT for me (go to iTunes and search on WSUU and you can download it for free if you're interested) and actually had me crying tears of empathy, relief, and irony because I related so well to the messages in it. (Good thing I walk a different way each time I go, that way I can convince all of West Seattle that I'm crazy, as I laugh or cry and listen to my iPod!)

And so I'm trying. I am a Good Girl and I Do What I Am Told is Good For Me. My therapist told me to work out more to raise endorphins etc. etc. and I am. I know what to do and I do as I'm told. That doesn't mean I like it, doesn't mean it's easy, doesn't mean taht I feel instant results,but it DOES mean that I'm trying. I'm trying very, very, very hard to make my life the life I'd like it to be.

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