A meditation about God

I have been frequenting a bulletin boad for young (under 40) women with breast cancer. One woman posted a question about how others are dealing with issues of faith in a time like this, and how she felt like making a bargain with God ("Dear God, if you cure me,I will be a fabulous wife and mother, I will contribute to my community, I will....") and felt angry at God because she has had so much suffering in her life (she listed a long list of truly tragic things that have happened to her and her family; breast cancer was only one of the items on the list).

This got me thinking. I will be thinking about this often - and I HAVE been thinking about this often - but I thought that I would share my thoughts on the subject with you, my friends, family, and loyal blog-readers. Please know that I have the utmost respect for the religious beliefs of others, and I know that my beliefs have differences from many of yours. But please also know that I have a strong faith that there is a God, and that God is full of wonder. Thank you for respecting my beliefs, too.

Here is my response to the woman's questions.
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I read your post earlier and hesitated to reply, partially because it deserves some serious thought and partially because I don't have real answers for you. Here, however, is my best attempt.

My observation that life is NOT fair (children born into unloving homes, tsunamis, AIDS, breast cancer, infertility....the list goes on) has lead me to believe that God's role in our lives is to help us through the tough times, but not to dole out punishment and reward. I personally do not believe that God chose me to have breast cancer, I believe that it is simply something that is happening to me on life's road. That doesn't mean that I don't believe in God (though I do not feel any ties to specific religions or faiths, I do believe in God), and it doesn't mean that I don't believe that God is all powerful, it just means that I don't think of God as a puppeteer pulling on all of our strings to make us dance. In this beautiful existance we are given, there is pain and suffering; I believe that God serves us by giving us beauty in the midst of pain.

I don't ask the question "Why me?" because it's a question without answer. Instead, I'm trying to ask "What should I do with this?" because that question has many possible answers, and it allows me to take some control over the path that I will take. I didn't choose breast cancer, you may be certain of that (sigh), but I can choose to use this as a chance to get closer to friends and family, to find real purpose in my life, to participate in finding a cure for breast cancer, and more - I don't know exactly what I'm going to do with "this" except that I know that I will fight. And fight. And fight. I suspect that God will approve of my fighting, and with that suspicion, I will continue to fight.

The Beatles song "Let it be" comes to mind. I am trying to simply let it be. I can not explain the creation of life but I know that it is beautiful; I can not explain the existance of breast cancer but I know that it exists. I'm trying to just "be" with the experience. I try to accept that this is happening (no that does not mean that I like it), and just....be.

When I was 18 years old, my cousin (who was like a sister to me) was killed in a car accident. She was 17. I have grieved every day of my life since then for that loss. I will never understand how someone so beautiful and strong could be wiped off the face of the earth in an instant. I grieve not only for the loss of my beautiful friend/cousin, but also for my own loss of innocence. Up until that point, I had felt untouched by real sorrow in my life. At that moment, Pandora's box was opened, and I saw the pain and suffering that were possible in the world. I have had other pain since then, of course, but that was the first time I had real pain. In the years that have followed, I've come to the conclusion that this type of pain is impossible to comprehend - I have accepted that I will never know or understand why Kathy could no longer be with us.

I don't believe that God wants us to suffer, or that he chooses us for suffering. I believe that suffering, simply, "is." It's part of the package. It's not fair, it's not nice, and we fight and kick and scream about it, and hope that God can grant us some peace about it, but it's inevitable. As to who gets it, I believe it's just a coin toss. The events of the past and the future do not predict the coin toss, so it's possible to get 12 heads or tails in a row, not because of divine intervention but because it's simply possible. I believe that the horrors of breast cancer do not make us immune to the horrors of the past or the future....they are simply the present. I am trying hard to accept that, and to realize that my future (for I believe that I MUST have a future, and hope that belief never goes away, not even for a minute) is no brighter or dimmer than it was before my diagnosis. It simply *is*.

In re-reading this, I feel that I haven't expressed myself nearly well enough, and I'm sorry for that. I also don't want you to think that I think I have all of the answers - my journey is new, just beginning, and I have more to learn than I wish to learn. I wish you peace and understanding, in whatever form it may take for you, and I CERTAINLY wish that your family might be protected for the next 75 years from further pain. We all deserve that.

With love and peace,
Kristina