Sunday, July 05, 2009

Considering

After my last surgery (well, before) I said, "Never again."

Never say never.

I am seriously considering yet another surgery. My PS always intended to go back, to remove the scar tissues from previous surgical "mistakes" and tighten this and remove that misshapen bit and resculpt here and there and oh, yes, maybe even give me nipples. I said, "No." I simply walked away.

Well, six months after my last surgery, I am very carefully reconsidering.

My right breast is relatively okay. It's the right shape, covered in horrid scars, but okay. It is enough.

My left breast continues to change, and it is not okay. The breast has indents that push like spokes in a wheel, so that one quadrant is deeply rippled from the center outward. It is misshapen. The thin skin is visibly wrong; I can manipulate the implant, feel edges.

I am considering major revisions. I could leave the right alone, maybe do a DIEP on the left. That would replace the radiated tissue with (healthy) belly tissue, and perhaps I could remove the implant on that side, using my own tissue instead. Such a surgery is basically a tummy tuck....but more painful, involving muscle.

How much more of this can I stand? How many more surgeries should I do? When is enough enough?

I have not made any decisions. I'm exploring options, opening doors that I thought I'd closed. This is a decision that only I can make. The YSC girls are strongly encouraging me to fix it, to make it right. Would doing so symbolically help me?

My poor, tender, bruised body. What else will I ask of it?

I don't know.

1 comment:

Health/Life Balance said...

I don't blame you for walking away at the time - I did the same (went on a "doctors strike") after a year of medical hell, and my hell wasn't anywhere near what you'd been through. You needed to protect yourself at the time, and that was by taking control and saying "enough!" That was an important step at the time.

I think it's good that you're looking at options. God knows I'd hate to see you go through more surgery, but I hate that you were even put in these situations to begin with.

My personal thought is how you feel about yourself and how it feels in its current state. Do you have pain that could be fixed with another surgery? Do you look in the mirror and feel "less than" when you see yourself? Either of those might be a reason to go ahead with another surgery.

You're a strong woman, Kristina - one of the strongest I know. You can get through another surgery; I have no doubt about that. And you certainly have the support system for it. But behind the dread of another surgery, if you really think about it, how do you feel about the potential outcome of such a surgery? Would it be healing on a mental and emotional level as well as a physical level? (You don't have to answer that - just stuff to think about.)

I'll support any decision you make, and know you'll make the right one for you.