Here is the post I put on YSC today. I'm struggling with these questions. Anyone have answers for me?
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So there I am, going along my merry way, 2.5 years NED, and these stupid thoughts are still driving me.
This year, my daughter turned 5 (yesterday). I threw her three parties (two down, one to go). First, a family party with family and family friends (a pool party); then, a PEPS party (a group we belong to with 7 families; we met when our kids were newborns and are very close); then, a "girlfriends" party with five of her best friends (that one will have traditional birthday games, a pinata, etc.). It's a bit much - heck, as a kid I didn't count on ONE birthday party, and my kid thinks that three is perfectly normal.
So as I was cleaning up last night after party number two, I was feeling exhausted and wondering why the hell we went so overboard.
The answer struck me with complete clarity: if I won't get to see her 16th birthday party, at least I can throw her 16 parties. If I'm going to die, then I better give her every bit of love and adoration and "special" time possible before I go.
What the hell? I thought I was just having a good time with my child, and suddenly it occurs to me that I'm living my life as if I don't have much time left. When did that start? Am I still leading my life as a cancer victim, and not a survivor?
I really thought I was further along than this. It's so frustrating to find myself really stuck in these thoughts when I thought I was more at peace. Anyone else? How do I move on? What's your advice? Or is anyone struggling like this with me?
I'm two and a half years out. Why is this taking so long? (stamps foot)
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2 comments:
Could be wrong, but I bet your pre-planning party operandi wasn't "I'm going to celebrate as many birthdays as possible because cancer might take this away, even if it means 3 parties for one birthday". Seems like you are just trying to be the best mom while accomodating everyone from different groups for your only daughter's special day. Fess up: I bet you occasionally went overboard for your baby girl before cancer?
Anonymous, you're right, I did sometimes do things like this before. The difference is that now I feel like I HAVE to go overboard, ALL the time, not sometimes. And it exhausts me. I live my life in guilt for not doing enough, and it's wearing me down. And I realize that I'm not doing things out of a love for life, but out of fear. That's the difference.
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