Comments vs. Spam

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

I just changed an option on my blog so that anyone entering a comment - which I love! - will have to do a "word verification." I apologise for any inconvenience this may cause, but in addition to the great comments that I receive from friends, family, and assorted loyal readers, I've been getting a lot of spam comments lately, and this should prevent that. (I'm not interested in plastic surgery in Hawaii, thank you, and stop emailing me!!!)

Please keep commenting. I love to hear from you, to see who is reading, and all that.

Kristina

13 down, 3 to go!

(Edited on 11/30 to have the right count....)

I'm home from chemo, and it went well. I even got my favorite nurse today, because she has signed up to be "my" nurse because we hit it off so well, and so when my chart came in she made sure to catch me. I like that. :-)

Chemo went well - it was uneventful. THANK YOU to Michele for driving me there, and to Ryan & Tessa for picking me up.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I will probably spend a good deal of tomorrow curled up on the couch at my parents' house, but that's okay...less than a month, and I will be done with this part of the catastrophe! I'm looking forward to time with family, to watching the cousins (Tessa, Caleb, and Joshua) interact, and to eating turky.

Love,
Kristina

Back together

Our little family is back together - Ryan and Tessa arrived home late last night, sleepy but happy. It's good to have them home. I feel more refreshed than I had in a couple of weeks, and I took Tessa to the community center "play gym" this morning (and had the fun of running into half a dozen families that we know), and then the two of us had lunch at Michele's. During that time, Ryan got a little down-time for himself and went for a bike ride (brrr!).

Now, Ryan is putting Tessa down for her nap, and I'm relaxing for a few minutes before making some cranberry nut loaf for some of the hospital staff for Thanksgiving (as well as for my own family). The nurses at chemo are so kind to me, and I absolutely adore Dr. Rinn and her staff, so I plan to make a big batch of loaves using disposable tins, and pass them out tomorrow.

I have a lot to be thankful for. One hundred years ago, my lump would have almost certainly meant a death sentence. Today, it means horrific treatment, but also the hopeful promise of a long, long life. Without the hard working doctors and nurses who fight to keep me alive and to make me strong again, I would have little hope. Today, however, I am filled with hope and optimism. It seems like a little cranberry nut loaf is the least that I can do.

I am grateful for family and friends, for a loving husband, and for a daughter whose inner and outer beauty take my breath away. I am grateful for our comfortable home, for the food we eat, and for the community we live in. I'm grateful for the beauty of sunsets viewed from the beach close to our house, for hiking in the mountains, and for walks along Alki, Tessa skipping between Ryan and I. I'm grateful for our cat, who sleeps on my foot at night, and for the fact that one day Shep will join our family. I am grateful for the amazing support that I have received from loving friends and family, especially in this darker-than-usual time. I am incredibly grateful for the good health of those in my life... including myself. Despite down days, I've endured chemo really well, and haven't had any other major health issues to contend with. I am grateful.

Happy Thanksgiving. As I bow my head at the Thanksgiving table with my family (thanks for hosting, Mom & Dad!), I will remember how much I have to be thankful for, and I hope that you find your heart full of thanks, as well.

Love,
Kristina

Quiet time

Today Ryan and Tessa took off early to head to Portland. Tessa gave me her "traditional" snuggle - kiss, noser, little hug, BIG hug - and smiled with excitement for the trip. I waved at the door, a little forlorn to see my two favorite people leaving...

But today has been lovely. I've put aside the "should's" and "ought to's" and I've sat around doing, basically, nothing. I'm reading "Refuge" by Terry Tempest Williams (a gift from my friend Lynn, it's been sitting on my bedside table for a long time), drinking tea, enjoying candlelight, and taking it easy. Michele & Lori stopped in briefly to celebrate their fundraising success at the market today (hooray) but other than that I've done nothing, talked to no one.

Ahhhh, the quiet. I almost forgot what it was like. I'm trying not to think too hard about anything, not to do things, not to make lists...just to be. For me, this takes considerable practice...but it's paying off, and I do feel relaxed.

More later. Or not. I haven't decided! ;-)
Kristina

Limits

Everyone has their limits, and I'm discovering more and more of mine.

Today I realized that I'm not up for the trip to Portland to visit friends and family tomorrow. This realization made me cry, because I do not like this version of myself, because I will miss seeing people, because I'm mad at myself that I can't just pull it together, because I'm tired of being so tired. Mostly, it's that last one. I can hardly believe that a simple car trip to Portland - one that involves packing a bag, and not much more - can be overwhelming to me right now, but there it is. I have reached an ever deeper level of fatigue, and I just can't push on through.

Ryan and Tessa will go to Portland without me (with my blessing), and I will miss them and wonder what I'm missing out on. I'll stay behind to rest and relax, and to recoup some energy. By the time they return, I'm sure that I will have missed them so much that I'll appreciate them more than ever.

Less than a month of torture to go. Less than a month until I'm done with receiving chemo. I just need to make it to the 14th.... and I know that I will, but it seems so terribly far away.

I may actually do a "real" update over the next couple of days while I'm here by myself...but no promises.

Love,
Kristina

Checking in

Well, the final stretch promises to be the hardest. Chemo was Wednesday, and I haven't felt good since then....ACK! It's very frustrating to wake up each morning feeling just as gross as the day before. Less than a month left.... I'm hoping that my Christmas present is that I feel somewhat normal and that I have a bit more energy.

Ryan has been very helpful, and Tessa is in high spirits, so that helps. I love my family.

Tomorrow we will leave for Portland to visit with Ryan's parents - Ryan's dad had a procedure done last week and we want to go to visit and support them and show them that we care. (There was no possibility of our traveling for Thanksgiving because of the Wednesday chemo appointment, so we're going early, and heading home Tuesday.) I'm hoping that, because it's the second half of my cycle, I'll be feeling a bit stronger for the trip. We are looking forward to seeing family and our Portland friends, Scott, Karen, and Fiona. (Tessa is particularly excited to play with Fiona.)

Today we're laying low, and our "big" activity is a trip to story time at Barnes & Noble for Tessa...a quiet day.

Yesterday evening we got the news that Linda and Gary had their baby! Rex was born a couple of weeks early, much to his mother's delight, and the family is happy and healthy. Hurrah for new life, and for the delight of a baby to be excited about. It's much better to think about the littlest member of my community than to think about stupid old cancer. Congrats, Linda & Gary! We can't wait to see the little guy in person.

Love,
Kristina

Quick Thursday update

I am well, but I am tired. T-I-R-E-D. Oh well, at least the countdown is on... I have less than one month until my last chemo appointment.

Today I saw a physical therapist to learn manual lymphatic drainage to control my lymphedema. It was actually very relaxing, and a positive experience. I will go back a couple more times to work on exercises to get back my full range of motion, and I will also be fitted for a lymphedema sleeve to wear when I travel on airplanes (I won't have to wear it otherwise, but I'd like to have it).

My therapist was wonderful...and she might join our 3-Day Walk team! She has done the walk before, but did it alone, and is interested in having a team to walk with. You never know where you will find support...

I went to preschool with Tessa today for the first time in a long time, and enjoyed the experience, though it wore me out.

I know my language is choppy here, but I really am tired. Just checking in. Have a great night, everyone.

Love,
K

12 down, 4 to go!

Today I completed chemo number twelve. Check another one off the list - wahoooo!

I spoke with Dr. Rinn about upcoming treatment. We have agreed that I will get a Lupron shot with my last chemo treatment (December 14, and yes I AM counting). Lupron is a drug that will shut down my ovaries and keep me in menopause; this is important because I am ER+ 90% and PR+ 70%. These numbers are very high, even for hormone receptive positive cancers, and it's very important that we prevent my body from creating any more hormones to feed the cancer. Some recent studies imply that keeping hormones out of my body (through ovarian suppression drugs like Lupron or through oopharectomy or hysterectomy, plus hormone inhibiting drugs like tamoxifin or aromatase inhibitors) will be even more important to my long term health than even the chemotherapy. After radiation, I will start an aromatase inhibitor - shown to be much more effective than tamoxifin in my type of cancer - and my doctor has chosen Femara. (More on that later, but I'm pleased with what the research says about it, and feel very comfortable with this decision.)

We also discussed my chemo brain. Folks, I have all new pity and sympathy...no, make that empathy for stupid people. My brain is in a fog and just doesn't do what I tell it to these days, and it's very frustrating. I have a difficult time concentrating, trouble formulating complex ideas or thoughts, etc. This is a known side effect of the drugs I'm taking (and has more to do with the steroid, Decadron, even than it does with the chemo, although "chemobrain" is a very real phenomenon) and unfortunately, it's just something I need to ride out. It will get better, but I appreciate your patience with me.

Ryan is being incredibly supportive of me, and for this I'm grateful. Things are much better in our house these days, and I'm incredibly appreciative.

I'm too tired to say another word. More later!
Love,
Kristina

Still tired; Farmer's Market Sunday

Well, I am still tired. Dang it! I woke up this morning feeling more hopeful for an energetic day, and it has not happened. I am not bedridden, but small amounts of activity wear me out and I did take a nap today. It is what it is and I'm trying to adapt...and I'm incredibly appreciative of Ryan's efforts to make things easier on Tessa and myself (he's the new King of Laundry, and he has taken great care of me).

Tomorrow Michele, Lori, and I will man (woman?!) a booth at the West Seattle Farmer's Market to solicit donations and to talk about breast cancer with anybody who has questions. Look for us there! I will only be there for a partial day (in part because I'll be tired, no doubt, and in part because it's Derek's birthday and I'm going to stop in on the festivities) but I am really looking forward to jump-starting the fundraising efforts for the Breast Cancer 3-Day. Michele & Lori have done quite a bit of fundraising (Michele is one of the 3-Day's top fundraisers!) but I haven't started...and it feels good to do this.

Love,
Kristina

I thought Saturday was my hard day?!

Well, today I find myself "okay" but not in top form...this feels more like a Saturday (what I've come to perceive as my hard day from chemo) than a Friday, and yesterday was the same. I guess this is the cumulative effect sneaking up on me...just when I think I know what to expect, things change. I have additional anti-nausea drugs to take, and I'm laying low, but it's a bit frustrating to have even lower energy levels than usual.

Oh well! Only five more chemos to go....just over a month....I can do this....

Kristina

Some sunshine, too; 11 chemo down, 5 to go!

When I picked up Susan from the airport on Saturday night, it was raining cats and dogs, but since then the weather has been almost lovely. I don't mind the sunshine, either!

I had a lovely visit with Susan and Gretchen, and on Sunday night Susan from Issaquah and Michele came to visit for an evening of dessert and wine, as well. I loved sharing these different girlfriends with one another, and I'm so glad that I had the opportunity. We laughed and talked, we drank wine (sure that's a no-no for me but I don't over-indulge), and talked some more.

Here's a picture of Susan, Gretchen, & Myself:


...and here is a picture of Susan reading to Tessa:


More details on the visit when I'm less tired, but I wanted to post at least that much. It was lovely!

And then....yesterday after I dropped Susan off at the airport, I went to chemo. The best part of that is that one more session is complete! 11 down, 5 to go...more than two thirds of the total treatment is finished, and I'm more than halfway through Taxol, and I'll be finished in just a month plus a couple of days. No matter how I look at it, progress has been made. Some doctors don't prescribe as much Taxol as I'm getting, and I know that I'm being really aggressive, and I feel GOOD about that. If there is one cancer cell left in my body, I expect the Taxol to kill it in the next 5 sessions.

As far as my symptoms go, I have one to add: I got a mouth sore for the first time. Dang it. It's tiny, but it's on my tongue and hits my teeth when my tongue moves (often!). I got some prescription lozenges that should help. I'm also getting more and more tired. Whereas neither Ryan nor I intended to have him home right now, the timing has been exactly what I needed. I am really pretty wiped out, and my good days aren't quite as good as they used to be. This too shall pass, and I hope to be reviving at Christmas, but I'm pretty inactive for the most part. (Susan and I did go for a 2 mile walk on Tuesday, and I think that walking is good for me, but I need naps now, and I go to bed ridiculously early, and I just don't have energy to do half of what I'd like to).

Speaking of sleep...I woke up at 1am last night and never got back to sleep. #### Decadron! I know I need it but it really messes with me.

That's all for now...I'm in my PJs and thinking of trying to have a nap. I hope you're all doing well!

Love,
Kristina

I don't mind some rainy days

The weather in Seattle is rain, rain, rain this week - everything is dripping wet and the skies have opened up in downpours more times than I can count over the past several days. I don't mind. The change in the weather is a reminder that fall has fully set in, and that winter is around the corner...and with the passing of the seasons I am just that much closer to being done with the nastier parts of my treatment. I can take the rain, because I'm warm and cozy inside our home, and I know that I can handle a little rain in order to make it to spring.

What's more, I have good things to celebrate in the midst of all this rain. Last night, Amy visited from Ohio, and the PEPS gang went out to a great dinner with her. I dressed up in my "going out" clothes and felt semi-fashionable, ate great food (Wild Ginger - YUMMY!), and most importantly enjoyed the company of women that I adore. (Thanks to Heather for driving me, by the way!) It was wonderful to see Amy again, and to spend non-toddler time with my PEPS friends.

And then tonight, it gets even better: Susan from Boston arrives! I'll pick up Susan from the airport late this evening, and then Gretchen will come for breakfast tomorrow, and the three of us (plus Ryan and Tessa, of course) will hang out, chat, and enjoy one another's company. I don't care if it's raining outside - we can drink pots of coffee and enjoy one another, and that sounds like a little slice of heaven. Tessa knows how excited I am, and she's caught the enthusiasm, as well. For the past couple of days when she's woken up she has said "Are Susan and Gretchen here?" as she's excitedly anticipating the visit, too.

I probably won't post much in the next few days, since I will have visitor(s), but you may assume that I am well. I still have nausea (no idea why I'm experiencing so much of that on Taxol, the less toxic of my chemo drugs) and I'm still tired, but I'm relatively happy.

Love,
Kristina

Finally updating! Brunner's Lodge, Halloween, Chemo #10

Things have been busy, and I haven't made it here to update, but at last I'm checking in.

Some words of thanks:
Thank you to my mom & dad for all that they have done for us lately (that's a long list!).
Thank you to Sara for delivering a meal, for joining Team Kristina, and for tales of a 40 year breast cancer survivor (wahoooo!).
Thank you to the best real estate agent ever, Roy Willanger, for dropping by a card and beautiful bouquet, and for being a friend.
Thank you to Susan for helping to organize yet more meals to come to us.
Thank you to Molly for dropping by a meal yesterday - we will eat it tonight!
Thank you to Marilyn for the delicious curried pork - yummm.
Thank you to Michele, Lori, and Susan for being so incredibly on board with amazing fundraising ideas and commitment to the Breast Cancer 3 Day.
Thank you to Darcy for signing up for the 3 Day and committing to it - it's a big deal to come from Arizona for this event and I'm so grateful.
Thank you to Susie for agreeing to help design T-shirts and a poster for us.
Thank you to Ryan for listening to me and to what I need and for giving me your heart and soul when I need you the most.
Thank you to the thousands of other people I'm certain that I missed on this list!!! I have much to be grateful for.


Brunner's Lodge with the extended family was absolutely wonderful. Everyone chipped in by bringing and making food, and so we had delightful family meals around a big log table (and there's something special about four generations of one family being able to do so), we hot tubbed, we watched the young cousins (Tessa, Caleb, Nicholas, Tyler, and Matthew) forge even deeper bonds, Ryan got to go for a beautiful bike ride through gorgeous country scenes (and though it's the end of the leaf season the colors were still gorgeous - red barns backed by slate and evergreen hills, golden fields, and splashes of vibrant yellow or red trees), and much chit-chatting took place. Brunner's Lodge accomodated our large group very nicely - the older boys loved the fact that there is an air hockey table, a foosball table, and a Casio keyboard to play with, and the younger kids loved the tire swing and regular swings in particular. The lodge was filled with noise with such a large group - but the noises were happy (shouts of glee from the winner of a card game, games of chase, "chefs" prepping the meal, calls of "who needs another glass of wine?" and "anybody want to go for a walk to the river?").

Here's a picture that Mike & Krystal (thanks for sharing!) got on their camera of the whole clan just prior to our leaving on Sunday....note that Tyler is slumped over in his dad's (Don's) arms, because he got a terrible migraine on the last day...poor kid! He's better now but he was in rough shape on Sunday.


Here's the Surface3 in the Brunner's Lodge hot tub, followed by a great shot of Barb and two of her boys (Matthew and Tyler) in the hot tub:


Here's Tessa & Caleb playing air hockey together!


On the last day (Sunday) we went to a roadside fruit stand with the Dahls senior and junior that has expanded for the season to have a petting zoo with farm animals, a "cow train ride" (a tractor pulling cars made of oil cans and painted like cows, but the kids acted like it was Disneyland they had so much fun), and Caleb and Tessa frolicked and laughed and had a great time.

I had highs and lows over the weekend for my own health - Saturday is always my hardest day, and this was no exception. I held in there, though, and I'm SO glad that I went. I am extremely grateful that I am from a family that sticks together in good times and bad, enjoys each others' company, and is willing to cram into a cabin for the joy of one another's company. I hope that next year 100% of us will be there. :-)

Then, when we got back, it was nearly Halloween! Tessa was delighted that Halloween had arrived at last. While Tessa napped, I made two soups (salmon chowder and chunky chicken soup) for the potluck dinner with neighbors, and then Ryan and I carved our pumpkins. Tessa woke up to toasted pumpkin seeds, and knew that the fun was truly beginning when we put the candles out in the pumpkin. Three neighbor families came by for dinner, and Tessa the Tiger delighted in playing with Noah the Cow, Daven the Owl, and Elena the Ballerina Princess. After dinner, we all went out trick-or-treating together (fortunately there was a break in the VERY rainy, miserable weather) and I think that the kids were the hit of the neighborhood. We let Tessa keep a little candy, but we put the rest of it away to give to the doctor's office and Tessa traded it for a hobby horse - our little cowgirl is more in love with horses with each passing day, and she finds this a fair trade. (She'll get one mini chocolate bar per day for five days, and to her that's a lot, so I think she wins on every level.)
Tessa the Tiger:

Four beautiful children, but only the owl (Daven) would look at the camera!:

After Tessa got out of her tiger costume (she was hot!) she wanted the two of us to wear butterfly wings, so we put them on. Here is a picture which I love for my darling daughter, hate for my bloated body....and (drum roll please) which, if you look with a microscope ;-) you can see that my bald head is covered with dark "duck fuzz" hair! Yes, my hair is growing, and though it's only about 3mm long, it is, indeed, a start. I'm told it will not start to thicken until I've completed chemo, but SOMETHING is better than nothing, even if it's hardly anything!


Then, on Tuesday, the highlight of the day was going to the Pump it Up class. Ryan got a day to himself, and Tessa and I went to join Auntie Krystal, Uncle Mike, Caleb, and Josh at the Pump it Up Session, and then Grandpa joined for a while too to see all the fun. Pump it up is an indoor "Arena" just off 405 on 116th in Kirkland, and for $6/kid ($5 each if there are siblings) you get to go with your child into a series of inflated jumping houses. Some are set up like obstacle courses, some are giant slides, some are circular so the kids can run in circles, and there are about 10 or 15 of them total, so the kids just run from one to the other, laughing and giggling and burning off energy. A lot of them require close parental supervision, so I too had to remove my shoes and chase Tessa up and down slides etc....and I must say, I felt a certain amount of pride for keeping up with the chaos, given my chemo-state! (I believe I was the only bald mother there. ;-) ) We will return to this activity, because Tessa just loved it, and it's a great opportunity for her to bond with Caleb, too. (She already adores him, and I love the fact that the cousins have a close relationship. One day baby Josh will be chasing after them, too, of course, but until now he is a happy observer, getting kisses when the kids stop by to check in on him.)

After Pump it Up we went to have lunch with Grammy and the rest of the gang at Grammy & Grandpa's house (thank you!), and then Grammy, Tessa, and I went for our first training walk together. I'm extremely hopeful that my mom will join me on the 3 Day Walk, and she is considering it, so we went down to the club together and walked the track. For the first 1/10 of a mile, Tessa walked with us (carrying her unicorn pony Rose the entire time). For the next 4/10 of a mile, I carried her. Because of the lymphedema risks, I can not carry her in my left arm, so after 4/10 of a mile my right arm was desperately calling for a break, and we called my dad in to watch Tessa while my mom finished up walking in a mile. A mile isn't much, but it's a start (and with Tessa there it's all we could manage). We will bring the jogging stroller next time and so Tessa can hang out with us (we'll bring books and toys, too!).

My friend Michele is hoping that her mom might join the walk with us, too, and that the four of us (Michele, myself, and two moms) will be able to train together occassionally. I like that idea. :-)

Tuesday night, Tessa spend the night at Grammy & Grandpa's, and had her usual wonderful time in doing so. The sleepovers have become more frequent, and are enjoyed by all.

Wednesday, while Tessa played with Grammy & Grandpa (swimming, dance class - she's a star! - time playing with Foster-puppy, and so much more...no wonder Tessa loves her time with Grammy and Grandpa so much, because they treat her like a princess and she has so much fun) I spent the morning doing a few chores, and then going shopping with Michele & Elliott. Unfortunately, I have gained enough weight that some of my clothes have been uncomfortably tight, and so I needed a few long sleeved T-shirts and basic everyday items (ugh...**** chemo/decadron!). Shopping with Michele was fun, though (despite the reason for my need to shop!), and we enjoyed Starbucks (thanks, Shele!), tons of Elliott's smiles, and chatting away.

And then, of course, after my morning, it was time for chemo. I don't dread it the way you might think any more - it goes reasonably easy for me - but chemo is, well, chemo, and I don't look forward to it, either.

I had an interesting conversation with my oncologist about what to do with my ovaries. Up until now, I've believed that they MUST come out and SOON. Well, after further discussion with Dr. Rinn, we may hold off on that. Because I am BRCA- , we don't have reason to suspect that I'm at higher risk for ovarian cancer the way that we would if I were BRCA+. Dr. Rinn has suggested that my body could use time to heal from chemo and radiation, and that there is no rush to do anything as drastic as removing body parts just yet (enough of that is being done anyway!). The alternative is to take Lupron shots, which will keep my body in menopause after I come out of chemo. (This is desireable because I have a cancer that is ER+ - in other words, it feeds on estrogen, and I have a very high score in this category; it's critical that I keep all estrogen out of my body in order to starve the cancer. Shutting down the ovaries shuts down estrogen production.) If I tolerate the Lupron shots well, and work with oncologists to make sure that I don't have any signs of ovarian cancer, I might be able to go for quite some time with my ovaries still in my body. One thought that I have is that when I do reconstruction, and I'm all torn up anyway, I could just take the ovaries out then (we'll see if the docs think that this is too much). In any case, this is new fuel for thought. I will see a gynecological oncologist to help make this decision after I finish radiation. I would like to treat myself as BRCA+ because of my family history and because science understands that they have not yet located all of the possible genetic mutations for breast cancer (they've found two but strongly suspect that there are others) and so I would much prefer to be cautious. It is a fine line between being aggressive (good!) and doing overkill (bad!) in my treatment. I've been really aggressive up until now, and that helps me to sleep at night, but I don't want to do overkill. More research must be done on this subject.

I also discussed the issue of my nausea - which is rather unexpected on this particular chemo regimin, but is very real for me - with my oncologist. She is pretty certain that it is acid reflux from the Decadron (I get so much!) more than a side effect of chemo, and has prescribed Ranitidine to fight it. That would be a nice, simple fix and today I'll start the Ranitidine to hope it works. That might also help with my weight gain...I feel like I need to eat all the time or be really sick, and maybe the Ranitidine will take away the nausea so I don't need to eat comfort food constantly.

Chemo was uneventful this week, which is excellent. My port doesn't cause me any problems, I haven't had any more reactions to the Taxol (thanks to the Decadron, which I otherwise curse...but it IS a good drug), and the nurses are kind. My parents brought Tessa home, and I was glad to wrap my arms around her and welcome her back...it's nice to take a parenting break but I do love my girl and it was even better to have her home with us again.

I will be seeing a physical therapist next week for the minor lymphedema in my hand. It hasn't gone away, and we want to prevent it from getting worse... It's a minor complication as yet, but a complication none-the-less.

Tessa's nose started dripping yesterday, so we'll see if we're on for preschool today. I really hope she's fully healthy....!

Only a few more days until Susan from Boston comes to town, and Gretchen visits, too. I can't wait! My "breast cancer friends" have become "friends" and I can't wait to see them and to enjoy their company.

That, I believe, fully catches all of you up. Sending you my love!
Kristina

Brunner's Lodge!

This morning we're getting ready to leave for Brunner's Lodge in Leavenworth, and we can't wait. The entire Dahl clan (20+ of us) are meeting there for fun and laughter, and I can't wait to see everyone and to enjoy the fun of watching the kids play together. I won't be updating the blog while I'm gone, but you may be certain that we will be having a good time! I'll be home Sunday.

I still feel pretty good after my last chemo, although I'm expecting the Saturday crash that usually occurs. I can live with this...I'll be surrounded by family, in great surroundings, and it's nothing that sleep can't fix.

I am also very excited to report that I'm receiving emails from friends who are seriously considering joining us on the 3 Day Walk this summer. Perhaps when I get home I'll see that others have signed up on our team webpage... (hint, hint). :-)

Must run - lots of packing to finish before we head out the door. Love to all!
Kristina

9 down, 7 to go

I'm home from a "good" chemo session, and all is well. Lori, Michele, and I brainstormed for a couple of hours about how to fundraise for the 3 Day Walk (more than just hitting up our friends and family for donations, and reaching into the larger community), and it felt good to do such a thing. I enjoy their company immensely, and it was a fun girlfriend afternoon despite the setting.

Lymphedema: No worries right now. The swelling is minor, and it doesn't have any hot spots, so the nurse is not concerned. I'll elevate it when possible, and that should do the trick for now. Fingers crossed....

Love,
K

Survivors and lymphedema questions

Today, on two seperate occassions, women approached me and said, "Are you in chemo for breast cancer?" and then shared that they are survivors; coincidentally, each of them is five years out. The both took my hand, looked into my eyes, and said, "You can do this." Truly, it was inspiring - they were both vibrant, smiling women with full heads of hair, and it was incredible to feel their strength and to watch the sparkle in their eyes as they shared their victory with me. I am so grateful to these strangers for sharing their hope with me - thank you, whoever you are, ladies!

I have more serious concerns about lymphedema today. I can no longer see the veins on the back of my left hand, and my knuckles on that hand are poorly defined. Crap. I have a call in to the doctor to see what must be done; it seems that waiting another day isn't such a good idea any more. Hopefully it's just a minor infection ("cellulitis" I think it's called) that can be completely cured with antibiotics...but I will not panic until I am given reason to do so! THANK YOU to Gretchen for giving me some "real world" things to look for so that I knew to follow up.

Insertion here: I just got a call from the nurse at my oncologist's office. She said they'll take a look at me tomorrow, as the next 24 hours won't make a difference. I'm concerned, but we'll just have to see how it goes.

Today has been a full mommy day. I have vowed that on Mondays and Tuesdays, my "best" chemo cycle days, that I will do the maximum possible with and for Tessa, since on the other days I am so comparably low energy, and since I'm so crabby and tired in the evenings especially. (Picture me lying in bed, flipping through bad TV channels, unable to sleep, and telling Tessa "Go find Daddy!" in a grouchy voice, starting between 5pm and 7pm most days. UGH. This is not my best vision of myself, but there it is.) Anyway, today we took Tessa and her friend Derek to the zoo, and we had a marvelous time. Both kids were fabulous, and loved one another's company... as well as the excitement of the zoo, of course. Afterwards, the four of us went to Red Mill Burgers and treated ourselves to really good burgers... decadent, unhealthy, but oh so tasty! It was a great morning, and a good time was had by all.

Tessa didn't nap, which is par for the course these days. At 3:30 we'll head to PEPS, and then we've been invited to dinner at the Huycke's, which we are really looking forward to. A lovely day.

Tomorrow is number 9 of 16. My mom is taking Tessa, and Ryan is getting a chance to go for a bike ride and do some things on his own; Michele (who is using precious time while her MIL takes care of Elliott) is going to take me to chemo, where we will meet Lori (who is using precious vacation time to attend chemo with me), and the three of us will talk about fundraising options for the 3 Day Walk. I hope that tomorrow will be uneventful in terms of the chemo itself, and that despite the clinical setting, I will be able to fully enjoy the company of my girlfriends.

Love to all,
Kristina

Autumn days

Today, as I near the end of the chemo cycle, I'm relatively (for my "new" me) energetic, but feeling nauseated. What's with that? I also have a very minor cut on my left hand (the surgery side) and I am worried about swelling in my arm (a possible sign of lymphedema , which is always a risk for mastectomy patients). Hopefully the careful washing of this minor cut, plus Neosporin and a Bandaid, will prevent any problems... but I have my eye on it. It's hard to tell if my swelling is of concern, since ALL of me is swollen from the steroids. Nothing is the end of the world right now, but these things concern me, of course.

On to happier thoughts...

My 3 Day Walk team is amazing, and has already begun fundraising. Susan will join us, as well, and other friends have expressed an interest. The more the merrier - please, sign up! We are going to try to come up with some creative ways to fundraise, and we will let you know how things go. I feel like some of the negative energy I've received from the whole breast cancer diagnosis can be channeled into something more positive with this walk, and I am delighted at the good that is already coming out of it.

Tessa and I had a good morning, and I feel I've given her more of the attention that she deserves today. This morning, Natasha, Derek, and baby Paloma came over for a playdate, and then Tessa and I ran errands together; now, Tessa is having a little quiet time and then we will go to visit Kathleen and Elena for a playdate at their house.

The date that my friend *susan* will visit from Boston ever approaches, and I'm thrilled. *susan*, Gretchen, and I will be able to talk in person, and to share each others' lives, and this is something to treasure. I am very fortunate to have met these two amazing women, who inspire me every day, and remind me that breast cancer does not define any of us.

Because people have requested it, here are a couple pictures. Tessa and cousin Caleb had an amazing time visiting the pumpkin patch a week or so ago; then, this weekend, Ryan (with the help of brother Steve - thank you!) raked leaves and allowed Tessa to cavort and wade in them, and we got some pictures of that, too. Beautiful autumn days are for enjoying, and that's what we've been doing.

Tessa and Caleb holding hands:


Tessa in our leaf pile:

The beginning of something big

Today I signed up to walk the Breast Cancer 3 Day Walk for the Susan G. Komen Foundation. It will take place next August, and like the title says, it's a 3 day walk, covering 20 miles a day (60 total), all in the name of breast cancer fundraising. I am blessed to walk on a team - my friend Lori is captaining the team, and Michele has already signed up too, and I hope that others will sign up to walk with us as well.

This FEELS big to me. Right now, I couldn't walk three miles without being tired for days (wait...I'm tired for days anyway....LOL!) and 60 miles seems like a huge challenge. It also feels like an exciting goal, though. I will be done with chemo in December, and radiation in February, and from there I hope to get stronger and stronger and stronger. There are great studies out about how exercise positively impacts breast cancer patients, and this will keep me motivated to keep going. It's actually very exciting to think of completing such a walk, as it seems very symbollic of healing.

This is big on another level, too: I am going to do some serious fighting back against breast cancer. It is unacceptable that one in eight women will be diagnosed with this horrible disease. I look around at my friends, family, and especially beloved Tessa, and I find the "one in eight" number entirely unacceptable. Something must be done, and *I* must do it. I am not a doctor or a medical research expert, but I can fundraise, so that is where I will focus my efforts. I want to put my heart and soul into this, and make a big difference.

There is a link to the right on this page, newly updated, to my fundraising page. Stay tuned for more details! The actual event isn't until August 2006, but as of today, I've paid my entry fee, and I'm committed. I hope that you'll think about joining me, either in walking and fundraising, or by donating.

Love,
Kristina

A burst of energy

Today I have been much more energized than in the past few weeks. As a result, my house looks better than it has in a long time - I've vacuumed, scrubbed the bathroom tile, washed and put away laundry, scrubbed the kitchen sink, and done lots of other, similar chores that I'd been putting off for too long. Ryan took Tessa to preschool and afterwards they went to Starbucks together, so I had the morning mostly to myself, and it felt good to be productive. This afternoon, I'm shooing Ryan out the door to have some time for himself (much needed and deserved, and I know he welcomes it) and Susie & Nina are coming over for a playdate.

I know that I hit bottom a couple of weeks ago, and things looked very bleak to me, but things are definitely improving. I am glad I didn't stay down long, and I'm working hard at trying to find the light and optimism that I know exists. I - we - intend to come out of this stronger than ever.

I know that by the evening I will be exhausted again - this is inevitable - but that's okay. I will take energy where I can find it!

Love,
Kristina

8 chemo down, 8 to go

I am home from chemo, and no matter how you look at it now I'm half way done. I've been in chemo since July 27 (12 weeks + one "rest" week when I was sick) and I will be done December 14 if things stay on track (8 more weeks) so I'm over the numbers hump AND the time hump.

My doctor is pleased how I'm doing. I asked if it was possible to lower the Decadron dosage since I'm doing so well with Taxol (no more allergic reactions) but the fear is that I might have another allergic reaction if we lower the Decadron (steroid), so it stays where it's at. Of course this is the right thing to do but also unfortunate as I'm bloated (can't wear my rings or bracelets - my watch may be next to go) and it interferes with my sleep...but these things are better than the alternative, and now that I've explored that alternative with a doctor I truly trust I will stop wondering about it.

I am more tired than ever before - the "cumulative effect" is really catching up with me. It's not something I can just push through at this point - at the end of the day I'm crabby and impatient because I'm just so tired I can't think. In this sense, it is very fortunate that Ryan is home with me, because he's REALLY helping to pick up extra time with Tessa to allow me to vege out as I need to. The doctor says that this is what I must do - it's no time to play at being strong when I don't feel that way - and reminds me that this is tempory. Being more than half way done does help me with this perspective...it wasn't that long ago that I couldn't imagine having completed 8 rounds of chemo, but I've done it, and I know I can do 8 more. I'm cutting back on everything - less caring for Tessa, less housework (Ryan is picking up slack with both of these things), and also less time at the computer, blogging or doing email, etc.

Things are better than they were last week...calmer. Ryan and I are adjusting to the new routine of having him at home, and there is (once again) room for optimism and hope. Phew.

Good night!

Love,
Kristina

Still trying to make sense of things

Well, it's Tuesday, and I'm still trying to make sense of things. Ryan has been off for a week, and we are doing okay but have certainly not found our groove. We're both in individual therapy and are waiting for an appt with the marriage therapist. We're working hard on sorting things out.

I have been on antibiotics for a while (done with them now) and my cold is diminished to occassional coughs, and lots of nose blowing. This is a major improvement, and I expect to be on track for chemo tomorrow.

The thing about all of this is that it is just so tiring. I really wish I could snap my fingers and make it all better. The cumulative effects of the chemo are catching up with me in terms of fatigue, and I think because of that it's harder for me to stay caught up with even simple things.

I feel like if I could just get one uninterrupted night of sleep (no insomnia), and really focus on what needs to be done, maybe I could make some inroads, but instead, I'm operating in a fog.

In the middle of this fog, there are bright spots. PEPS is coming over today to hang out, and there are play dates planned, and things are in the works to utilize the Ummelina Spa gift certificate that I received this summer. Last night Ryan planned a date for us, and we had a nice dinner. One day at a time.

Oh, and since I mentioned it here - despite the flexibility and quick money, I have decided that this is not the right time for me to work. I think that when I've got my head screwed on straight it would be an excellent opportunity, and I may do it then, but right now I just need to focus on the day to day and the healing that needs to occur. I only have enough energy for that right now, unfortunately, and I'm going to take my body's cues.

I hope everyone else is enjoying this foggy day - fall is here!
Kristina

Trying to sort it all out

Yesterday I went to my first therapy session; today Ryan is at his second therapy session; next week we have our first marriage counseling session. Three therapists for a family seems a little excessive, but there you have it. We have some big issues to work through, and we are not too proud to get help.

Ryan has officially started short term disability (3 months) for his depression. This is unpaid leave, but maintains our benefits. We are relying on the assistance of my parents to get us through this time financially, and are indebted to them for their kindness.

I may have an opportunity (I know only about the position through Michele, I haven't yet followed up) to do some grading for the Bellevue School District. This may be an ideal way to bring in some money - it's $20 an hour, I can do it from home, the hours are flexible, and I can work as much or little as I please. I'm not sure if there are still positions open but I will follow up soon. My thought is that I would do 10 hours a week, and then evaluate from there.

Tessa is still sick with her cold. She has coughed all night, so today I'll put in a call to the doctor to see what we can do for her. She's sleeping now (very late for her) because she was so fitful last night...poor girl.

Kristina

Breast Cancer Loss

Ronne's Blog
When I was first diagnosed, the first breast cancer survivor to reach out to me was a woman named Ronne who also frequented a parenting online site that I frequently visited. She gave me questions to ask my doctors, encouraged me, and offered a listening ear. She was strong, brave, courageous, and eager to do whatever it took to fight this thing. She had a good attitude, excellent support, and good medical care.

Within the past day or so (I don't yet know details) she has passed away. Her breast cancer metastasized, and there was nothing more to be done than to keep her comfortable and to help her to pass peacefully. She leaves behind a loving husband, a toddler daughter, and countless other people who loved her.

This is sometimes the reality of breast cancer. I pray that it is not my reality. Ronne's cancer is not my cancer, and her death does not predict my own, but it's another hit, closer to home, about what it is that I'm fighting for. As Ronne said to me, "Please keep in mind that my story is not a typical one. I was diagnosed
late and was already stage IIIB by the time the docs figured it out. Early
stage breast cancer is very treatable and you are very likely going to be
ok, but the next year or so will be challenging for you and your family. I
wish you all the best." It's not just about bodily mutilation and horrific treatment plans...there are worse things than that. Ronne had to experience the worst of it. (To my stage IIIB friends....Ronne's end was not typical either - she's in a malpractice suit for some of the early treatment she received. My stage III friends are to grow old alongside me!!!!)

Ronne, may you rest in peace. Your life touched mine, and I am grateful to you. God Bless.

Please send Ronne's family an extra thought and prayer today,
Kristina

7 down, 9 to go

Today's chemo was uneventful (other than the fact that it ran late...again). I now have an antibiotic for my cold (which has led to some sinus infection type symtoms), but I was allowed to continue chemo, which is a good thing. I'm down to single digits for the number remaining, and there is something be said for that. Also, time-wise, assuming that I don't miss any more sessions, I'm half way through now...so I'm on the downhill. Phew.

Kristina

Chemo today

I am scheduled to meet with the oncologist at 2:30, and to begin chemo at 3:30. I am hoping that my blood counts are high enough for me to attend chemo this week - my cold is particularly nasty and it hasn't disappeared yet. I'll update the results when I know them.

Kristina

Radiation

I met with a radiation oncologist this morning. It is official; I will have seven weeks of radiation starting on Jan. 2. Though I'm officially in a "gray zone" for deciding if I will have radiation, the fact that I had 10 cm of DCIS with only a 2mm margin at the chest wall, combined with 2-3 primary IDC tumors, makes my risk of recurrance higher at the chest wall. The radiation oncologist and I agree that radiation is the way to fight this.

The road seems never ending, but I'm confident that I'm making the right decision. If a tumor occurs in the chest wall, there is an 80% chance of metastasis. I owe it to myself to fight that possibility to the best of my ability.

I will be eligible for reconstruction 6 months after the end of radiation, so I hope to plan a DIEP reconstruction, along with a prophylactic mastectomy and reconstruction on the other side, next summer (August) or early fall. I am not eligible for implants after this radiation, so that decides that. (I was leaning toward DIEP anyway, and this decides it.)

Kristina

Colds and fevers

Yesterday, since the first time I can remember, I stayed in bed all day. I had feverish feelings followed by chills (but the fever never went over 99.7 degrees), a headache that was like a vice, a sore throat, coughing, insomnia, and the runniest and most congested nose I can ever remember having. The fatigue with all of this...yuck.

Today it feels slightly better. I'm going to get in the shower and go about my day, which will be an improvement over yesterday.

The doctor on call told me to just watch the fever and take care of myself, so that is what I'm doing.

Kristina

CT Scan Results

I got a message from my oncologist that the CT scan looks the same as the one in June, and that she's not concerned. She will review it with me when I go in on Wednesday for chemo.

I have a really bad cold. I'm hoping it goes away in time to be better for the next round of chemo so my counts are high and I don't have to miss any more chemo weeks and bump the finish date out further.

My bottom lashes are almost gone, and half of each eyebrow is almost gone. My appearance is changing again.

Thank you to all of you for your love and support - it has been overwhelming, in a good way, in the past day. As I said, I will continue to update medical/physical stuff here, and I appreciate your love and prayers for both that and our personal problems.

Love,
Kristina

Taking a break

I have decided to take a break from blogging. I will update anything medical as it goes on so that anyone interested can check on my health, but I don't have the energy right now to share some of my more private thoughts.

Ryan's depression and my breast cancer's onset are too much to bear right now - the combination is more than I know how to handle gracefully. Ryan may need to leave his job, and the possibility of unemployment is more than I know what to do with, as our savings are almost non-existant. We will get by with the help of family, and we will look at liquidating assets (our house) as a possibility to keep us afloat; I will look at returning to work; Ryan will look for other employment. Ryan and I are not supporting one another well, and the tension in our house is so thick you can cut it with a knife. These things, combined with my ongoing treatment, make it hard for me to be the inspiring, optimistic person that I wish to be. I wish I could give more right now, but I can not. Ryan and I are seeking individual counseling, along with marriage counseling. We will get through this, one way or another.

That is all I can say on the subject. Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. I will regain my zest and optimism soon, but right now I need to take a break from sharing the details of my life.

Thank you for understanding.
Kristina

Six down, ten to go

No allergic reactions today. Ryan came home sick and has perhaps the same flu my mom has. Tessa was able to spend the morning with Linda & Lexi, and the afternoon with Michele & Elliott. She had a wonderful time, and all is well with her.

I had my CT scan this morning, and the tentative agreement is that it looks good. However, they didn't have my old scans to compare things, so we're waiting for those in order to get the definitive results.

I discussed Taxotere vs Taxol with Dr. Rinn. I feel good about our decision to go with Taxol, and I feel I understand the studies better.

I came home to find dinner from Beth. Thanks, Beth.

Tomorrow we'll go to preschool and we have a playdate scheduled for the afternoon. HOpefully she chooses tomorrow to nap in the middle of those activities!

Love to all,
Kristina

PS Sorry it's so short - I just got home, and it was SUCH a busy day. I must get sleep in preparation for another busy day tomorrow.

Gratitude and debt

I am in debt to my friends and family more than I will ever be able to repay. I know this as a certain fact, and it alternately makes me feel terribly guilty and incredibly loved (actually, usually it makes me feel both of those things at the same time).

Since I was diagnosed, Susan has arranged with a small army to have meals delivered to our home two or three times per week. The meals have kept coming, and I haven't begun to thank people for them. Actually, I haven't written a thank you card in months - I really, honestly intend to, but I just haven't figured out a way to get the energy to do so. This makes me mad at myself because with all of the effort people have made to keep us loved and fed, the least I can do is write a little note and get it in the mail. I know that my manners are abysmal on this count, and I am grateful to all of you who have not only fed us but also forgiven my poor etiquette.

In addition to the meals, I have received cards and packages in the mail with greater frequency than ever before in my life. I have received books (both on and off the topic of breast cancer), chocolates, breast cancer awareness information (pins, etc.), small toys for Tessa, a CD narrated by Maya Angelou, notecards (which I SHOULD be using for thank you notes), inspirational verses, baked goods, hats, scarves, gift certificates, and more. My mom has watched Tessa weekly so that I can go to chemo, and has helped when I have been sick. Friends helped to throw Ryan a birthday party, to hire a housekeeper to help me on occasion, and to send me to yoga class. I am truly blessed.

Additionally, I have had help with Tessa when I have asked for it. Today, I sent a message to some West Seattle friends asking for help tomorrow (my mom has been wonderful in taking care of Tessa on chemo days, but she's sick) and within minutes I received several responses from friends who tried to make it sound like it was absolutely no big deal to take on a toddler for hours and hours. (Michele & Linda, thank you thank you thank you!) What would I have done without this support - take Tessa to chemo with me?

Today, instead of writing thank you cards, I'm going to tackle a mountain of laundry and mop the kitchen floor while Tessa sleeps. This morning, instead of writing thank you cards, I went to Coffee to a Tea with Tessa, then went for a "leaf walk" (our dining room table is now decorated with a basket of leaves personally selected by Tessa) and then came home to eat lunch and read stories before Tessa's quiet time. I sincerely hope and pray that these "normal" types of activities mean that even though I don't have anywhere near my usual energy most days (today I feel good, hence the activity) days like today make it up to Tessa. I choose to give that energy to Tessa where I can so that she does not have a cancer-flavored-childhood, and I am indebted to those who have been helping me for understanding this.

I know who you are, and your help has been an instrumental part of my healing. Thank you to all of you. One day, I hope I can repay you your many kindnesses.

With love,
Kristina

Monday morning

I haven't been online much at all this weekend. I think I needed some time away from reflection and from putting on my happy face...even I can only do so much of that.

Last week really took it out of me. Ryan's job is filled with issues (thank you for keeping him in your thoughts and prayers) that fill each of us with stress, and then my allergic reaction really threw me for a loop. I felt really wiped out, perhaps psychologically as well as physically, all weekend, and had a hard time catching my (metaphorical) breath.

However, we I did participate in two great activities this weekend. First, on Saturday, Ryan, Tessa and I joined our neighbors Kathleen, Jim, and Elena and we went to Remlinger Farms for the day. The girls (Elena is Tessa's age) had so much fun that their joy and enthusiasm was contagious, and though for some of it I merely stood on the sidelines and cheered (unlike Ryan, who had as much fun in the hay jump as Tessa did) it was a really fun experience. Tessa got to ride on a pony twice, as well as many other activities, and her boldness, enthusiasm, and joy brought pride and love to my heart.

Here's a picture of Tessa, face alight with glee, in the petting farm area:


...and here is a picture of Tessa and Elena onstage at the puppet show, playing banana percussion:



...and here is a picture of Tessa and Elena in the canoe ride.


Then, on Sunday, Ryan very kindly took care of Tessa most of the day, and I went to a ladies' tea at Linda's house along with the PEPS group. The tea was lovely - complete with scones, crustless sandwiches, and frilly china - and the company was wonderful. The PEPS kids are all so active and noisy that our PEPS meetings aren't exactly restful oases of conversation for the adults, so having time for conversation was a real treat.

Now, it is Monday, and Ryan has been at work for an hour already. Tessa and I will run some errands this morning, perhaps try for a play date, and such goes the week. I am trying to keep Wednesday out of my thoughts, but it's hard. This Wednesday is my rescheduled CT scan...they're going back to look at my lungs to see if the nodules found in June have changed. This is terrifying, but I am trying to be calm about it and to avoid freaking out before I even have any information. And then, of course, on Wednesday there is also chemo....which I hate to think about because of my reaction last time. I think that after Wednesday I will feel much better, however...I just need the CT scan to be normal and the chemo to go well. If they both went well, it would be better than winning the lottery, actually.

And one more thought, on the subject of early menopause: YUCK. At night, I have hot flashes at least hourly. This wouldn't be such a bad thing, except that they wake me up, and afterwards I'm often chilled. I am taking a sleeping pill, but it is powerless in the face of hot flashes, and I find my hot-flash induced insomnia truly troubling. Whatta mess.

I hope that this week finds you well, free of allergic reactions, and filled with joy with friends and family.

Love,
Kristina

An uneventful day

Today was relatively uneventful - especially compared to yesterday. I slept in for the first time since I can't remember, I ran some errands, I had lunch with Michele & Elliott, and I went to the hospital for my Neulasta shot. I was informed, once I got there, that I didn't need a Neulasta shot after Taxol....arrrrrghhhhh! The person who had booked them for me was a temp and very unaware. I calmly and politely suggested that someone needed to train him to ask questions etc.

My parents had Tessa for most of the day, which was a blessing - I was just emotionally wiped out from the events of yesterday. They came here for dinner and we enjoyed the wonderful soup that Jenny dropped off yesterday (thanks, Jenny), some salad, some bread, and (at my dad's request) some frozen pizza. Okay, he didn't request "frozen" pizza but it was in the freezer and I was too cheap to order out!

Now Tessa is bathed and in PJs and Ryan is tucking her into bed. I will soon go to bed myself, with the hope of sleeping through the night for once. I was very sad to miss girls' night out tonight - I can't remember the last time I was out of the house to do something fun in the evening - but since my parents left just a few minutes ago and I'm so tired I just can't make it. Sorry, PEPS friends!

Love to all,
Kristina

Allergic reaction

I left for chemo (taking the Swedish free shuttle) at 1:30pm, and I JUST got home. Things were running a little late, but the real reason I'm so late is that I had an allergic reaction to the Taxol. At first the nurse (who had to sit with me and watch me for signs of reactio) said, "Your lips and cheeks are flushed - are you okay?" and I said that I felt fine...but then my throat started to close up, and my chest got tight. When I told them that, my cubby filled with nurses and they hooked me up to oxygen and gave me Decadron (this steroid counteracts the allergic effect) and somebody called my oncologist, Dr. Rinn. By that point my heart rate had jumped from 70 to 126...not a good sign. They had to wait for the steroid to really kick in, and then everything had to be done very slowly after that as they watched me for signs of further allergic reactions.

Mysteriously, I stayed calm. It was very frightening, however, and staying calm took so much energy that I felt like I was in a fog where I couldn't reach anyone; it was difficult to speak. Not an experience I'd care to repeat.

Sigh. I had a bad feeling about allergic reactions, and I'd been stressed about it for a few days, but I had imagined the worst about Herceptin, not Taxol. Anyway, my intuition wasn't far off, and that's interesting.

My parents kept Tessa overnight - they had to go to Target to get her PJs - which is a blessing because Ryan was able to come and sit with me, and we didn't leave the hospital until after 10:30 (Tessa never could have made it that long). I miss my baby girl - I'd really love to stare at her sleeping face right now - but this will help me tomorrow morning before my mom brings her here, too, and it's all for the best. Sigh.

This does not impact further treatment. I will take Decadron in advance of my Taxol next time, and I will be closely monitored, but that's it.

Five chemo down, eleven to go. One Taxol/Herceptin finished, eleven to go.

I have GOT to get some sleep. Good night, all.
Love,
Kristina

Back to Chemo

Today I return to my chemo schedule. The week "off" hasn't felt like a vacation, unfortunately... I kept wishing that I was advancing on the chemo list, instead of sitting still. I am anxious to move forward toward the end of treatment, and treading water made me feel tired without actually making progress.

However, today I will sit in the big chair again and learn what the next part of my treatment feels like. Today, in addition to the anti-emetics that I am given (a whole handful of drugs designed with the sole purpose of keeping my lunch where it belongs) I will be given a new chemo drug, Taxol, and the exciting new drug Herceptin (which is not a chemo drug, but a "biological agent" which attacks only my particular type of cancer, which is Her2/neu+). The Taxol is given weekly for 12 weeks (last day: December 14) but the Herceptin will be given weekly for a year or more (there are some studies in the works that say that perhaps 3 years of treatment with Herceptin is preferable; my oncologist says we'll cross that line when we get there).

Taxol's predicted side effects are loss of eyebrows and eyelashes (which have thinned, but still look relatively normal on the AC treatment), and possible neuropathy in the hands, feet and face (tingling and numbness). I have been taking Glucosamine for the neuropathy; nothing helps keep hair, though. In positive news with Taxol, it should have lessened side effects for nausea, and I should feel better in general than I have on the AC, although the fatigue effects are cumulative. My hair may also start to grow (on my head, not eyebrows etc...isn't that strange?) on the Taxol, though it won't "really" grow until I'm done with chemo. My hope is that for Easter I will have no visible scalp and at least really short hair, but we will see.

Herceptin's primary side effect is a weakening of the heart muscle. I had to have a MUGA test on my heart prior to beginning treatment to make sure that my heart was strong enough for Herceptin; indeed, my heart started this strong. I am told that I will have periodic MUGAs as I go through treatment to make sure that my heart muscle is strong enough to continue with the Herceptin. Some people have vomiting as a side effect of the first Herceptin treatment, but subsequent treatments tend to be easier...it's just the first one that can be so nasty. (That's okay in general, but as I face my first treatment it doesn't sound particularly fun.) The only thing that really scares me today - but it's a biggie - is that some people have a fatally allergic reaction to the Herceptin. The percentage is absolutely miniscule, and they will administer it very slowly and give me Benedryl as a precaution...but let's just say that I will feel better when the whole thing is over with and I'm writing about it from the other side.

Herceptin, despite my fears, is a VERY exciting drug. It was only released in June - the month I was diagnosed - for early stage breast cancer treatment, and the medical community fell into an excited uproar about it because it is so promising. The use of Herceptin has cut the rate of recurrance by 52%. No other drug has done anything nearly that amazing for Her2/neu+ cancers. Forget any studies that you have read about prognosis, because Herceptin changes all of that. Herceptin is the reason that I'm so optimistic about my long term survival - it really does seem like a wonder-drug. (If you do a Google search on it, or go to the Komen.org or breastcancer.org websites, you'll see all kinds of great information about it. Her2/neu+ breast cancer used to be a "bad" kind to get...now it's a "good" kind.)

For friends and family this might be a bit of an overshare, but as there are other newly diagnosed women who read my blog to learn about treatment, I'll share a bit more...
It looks like I'm at the start of menopause, or "chemopause." I expected my period last week, and instead I'm getting hot flashes. They're bearable, though not fun. I'm not breaking out in a sweat, I just get a feverish feeling that rushes over my body - particularly my upper body and face - that subsides pretty quickly. The worst part is that it interrupts my sleep - I wake up roasting hot, throw off the covers, and then as the hot flash exits I feel cold an have to bundle myself up again. Anyway, it's very strange to think of myself as a 36 year old in menopause; we know that mine is not just temporary (chemo induced menopause, nicknamed "chemopause," often ends some time after treatment in women who were not already close to natural menopause) because on my long list of things to do is to schedule an appointment to have an oopharectomy/hysterectomy. Joy, joy, fun fun.

Though it's amazing how well I have tolerated chemo, it's also amazing to me how foreign my body has become to me. I have symptoms that are textbook for AC treatment, including:
- sleeplessness (I can't sleep without drugs any more, and even those aren't working now)
- metallic taste in my mouth
- fatigue
- hot flashes
- gritty eyes that tear up a lot
- food aversions
- nausea that makes me need to eat every couple of hours
- loss of libido
- loss of hair (obviously!)
- painful constipation
- dry skin (something I've never experienced before)
- chemobrain...I feel like I can't remember anything, and I've dropped about 50 IQ points.

This Christmas I certainly hope to be celebrating the end of all of this. I still need to figure out what kind of surgery to schedule for the winter (oopharectomy, hysterectomy, or both), and whether I need to do radiation (usually five days a week for six weeks), and what kind of hormone therapy (possibly Femara, an aromatase inhibitor) to start....but finishing chemo will be a big, big milestone.

And on that note, I need to go take my medications and get ready for my day. I hope that my "medical update" is helpful to you in understanding all of this, and answers some of the questions people have been asking me.

Love,
Kristina

Back from the LiveSTRONG Ride

We are home! We had a great time with friends and family this weekend. Ryan was able to attend the (very inspiring) pasta dinner hosted by the LiveSTRONG team, and had the privilege of seeing not only Lance Armstrong, but also Bob Role, George Hincapie, and Eddie Mercks (I'm certain I've spelled most of those names incorrectly - sorry) speak. Tessa and I spent a lot of time hanging out with GG and Auntie Charlotte, and we got in lots of pool time at the hotel.

Here are pictures from the weekend...

Lance & Bob at the podium:


Uncle Mike with Eddie:


Team DJ at the finish:


Ryan, Tessa, and I at the finish:


Charlotte & Mike at the finish:


The event raised about 1.2 million dollars - wow! The LAF website is showing that Ryan raised $1785.00 right so far (hurrah!) but we know that number does not include Microsoft's matching or donations that were sent via regular mail yet (give it time, and we know they'll show up). THANK YOU to everyone who supported us. We're glad to have been able to do this event, to see the survivors there, and to know that the money is going to help kick cancer's a**.

Love,
Kristina

Friday's update

A quick post - much to do, not enough time...which is the way of things most days!

Today we went to preschool and Tessa had a great time. I enjoy watching her make new friends and adapt to the preschool environment, and I'm proud of the good manners she has displayed so far at preschool. I love to watch her dance and sing during the music portion - her whole face lights up.

After preschool we ran some errands, and now we're home. I need to start getting ready for our big trip to Portland this weekend. We're looking forward to seeing Portland family, and visiting with Charlotte & Mike (who are staying at the same hotel), and hooking up with the Team DJ crew.

Ryan got a very exciting phone call last night. It seems that Mike's riding partner for the LiveSTRONG ride raised enough money that she was given two tickets to the pasta dinner the night before (which we believe that Lance will attend), but she can't make it. She gave the two tickets to Mike...who is sharing one with Ryan. Ryan is thrilled by this! Lance has been Ryan's hero, on many levels, for a long time now, and so this is a thrilling opportunity for him. Thank you to Uncle Mike for sharing, and to Aunt Charlotte for giving up her place at Uncle Mike's side so that Ryan can attend. This means that Ryan will miss the family/friends dinner the night before, but we hope that our family and friends will understand what an amazing - and once in a lifetime - opportunity this is for Ryan.

I will be offline all weekend; we leave tomorrow morning for Portland and don't return until Monday - the race is Sunday. At last count, the website shows that Ryan raised $1680.00, and we know that Microsoft is matching a portion of that, and that there may be some donations still being processed through snail mail. THANK YOU SO MUCH to the friends and family who have supported this worthy cause. I hope that by the time Tessa is an adult the word "cancer" doesn't carry such scary connotations, because we will have found better ways to treat or cure it.

Love,
Kristina

Coming out of my bad mood

Blogging is a very strange way to share one's life with people. At the touch of a button, I've notified who-knows-how-many people about my mood du jour. I'm never sure who exactly reads my blog - I don't have a counter or anything like that, and most people do not comment. I just know that I have lots of people reading it because every now and then somebody will say, "I already know about that - I read your blog." My life is public at this point, but I have no idea who my "public" is. Very surreal! I don't mind, really, or I'd stop the blog, but it is strange, none-the-less.

Yesterday I was in a bad mood, and I pouted online, I suppose. Thanks for listening. ;-) Today I'm doing much better.

This morning we went to co-op preschool, and although Tessa was INCREDIBLY clingy during the free play time (she never left the Play-Doh station, which I was in charge of) she sang, danced, and clapped through the music portion, and was in a great mood after that. Music comes after snack and I think she was hungry - she must be in a growth spurt, because after an adult sized oatmeal with raisens and milk for breakfast, and a big snack of Cheerios, she was hungry again at preschool. I guess I'll have to work on getting more food into her before preschool each time (and more protein, too).

Now Tessa is tucked into bed for her nap - although I hear her playing and so no nap is likely - and the dishwasher is going, the laundry is folded, and I can rest for a minute or two. After nap I think we'll try to take advantage of the great weather, as it's a perfect fall day: crisp and sunny. Maybe a trip to the park is in order. This week a housekeeper - thanks to the generousity of friends - came to clean our home, and that's such a relief - the kitchen (including fridge) is scrubbed, everything's dusted, the bathrooms are clean, and I don't have to deal with it. Hurrah!

I am feeling relatively healthy, but I'm still disgusted with the fact that I had to skip chemo. Usually I'm okay with dealing with all of this stuff, but it is more disheartening than I can say that I have to endure all this for another week. I'm tired of being bald, tired of having itchy eyes, tired of the metallic taste in my mouth, tired of taking handfuls of pills each day, tired of having to eat all the time or suffer the (nausea) consequences, tired of doctors appointments and finding childcare, and just plain tired. It's all worth it to get better, of course, but that doesn't mean that I have to like it. And I do not.

I hope that you're doing well. Love to all!
Kristina

Getting better

Physically, I'm doing much better today. Phew.

Spiritually, I'm more down. I am so, so disappointed that my treatment is off track, if only for a week. That's one more week that I have to deal with this crap, and I hate that I'm stalled, even temporarily.

It puts me in a bad mood.

More updates again when I'm more chipper. All is well, it's just a bad mood. This too shall pass.

Kristina

Chemo canceled due to stomach flu

Sigh.

I have picked up Tessa's stomach bug. I called the nurse at the oncologist, and she said what I feared she would - no chemo for me tomorrow. There is a fear that I might become dehydrated, and that my minor flu could land me in the hospital. I will resume chemo next week.

*&%$. (Please substitute the four letter word of your choice here.)

My new last day of chemo, assuming no more cancellations, is December 14.

Kristina

PS I'm okay. Not great, but okay. I have horrible cramps and other unmentionables that go along with the stomach flu. I guess sometimes you get what you ask for - I didn't want to be constipated any more and now I'm not.......! I asked Ryan to come home from work to take care of Tessa and he just got home a bit ago. I'm going to sulk in bed and in front of the TV.

Pictures from the weekend on Orcas

Here are a few pics - one of the Surface3 on a tree overhanging Cascade Lake in Moran State Park, one of Ryan and Tessa with the view from Mt. Constitution in the background, and the other of Marisa and I. I may be biased but I think that Orcas Island is one of the most beautiful places in the world...the pictures may prove that point.

Have I mentioned lately that I'm really looking forward to having hair again? The bandana thing is getting old fast. However, on the new drug (Taxol) that I start on Wednesday, it's possible that even though my eyebrows and eyelashes will fall out, the hair on my head may start to grow. How crazy is that?!

Hanging in there

I just thought that I should touch base with my loyal readers ;-) to let you know I'm doing fine. I'm grouchy, but I guess we all have a right to be grouchy some days, right? I'm just tired of all the crap that we've been dealing with, and I want to say "Enough!" I don't want to be brave, strong, graceful, or inspiring. I want to be done. Just done. I want to recover my life - our lives - and move forward. And I know I/we have a long, long journey before I/we can truly do that.

We had a wonderful weekend on Orcas with Marisa & Max. Marisa was an incredible hostess, as always, and we did all of our usual Orcas things. Oh, and I ate about five billion extra calories...I completely binged this weekend and I'll have to diet for a year to burn off the pounds!

Tessa is still suffering some digestive troubles, and has been a bit punky. I called the nurses' line today and they assure me that it sounds like the tail end of a viral thing that has been going around, and also assure me I shouldn't worry. She has bouts of being incredibly active and energetic, but then she gets tired and she gets diarrhea. She is not feverish or vomiting, so those things are good.

I just don't feel chatty, so I'll keep it at that, and I'll update more later when I feel my regular self. I hope that all of you are well.
Kristina

Last chance to support Ryan on the LAF ride!

Hello! I just wanted to include a note that tomorrow - my birthday, September 16! - is the last day to support Ryan on the Lance Armstrong LiveSTRONG Portland bike ride. Ryan has raised over $1600 thanks to the generousity of many of you already, and we are SO grateful for the work YOU are doing to fight cancer. Thank you!

If you have considered contributing, but haven't yet, please consider it now. You may donate to any cause at any time and we will support you - we're all fighting the good fight here - but if you wish to support Ryan on his ride, the deadline for online donations is end of day tomorrow.

Some of you have indicated that it is hard to log on to the website, and I am so sorry to hear it. When you click on the link (to the right in the box or the link below) it should take you to Ryan's personal page which has a "donate" button,
Support Ryan's LAF LiveSTRONG Portland Ride
but sometimes it isn't working. If it doesn't work, then you can follow these steps:
1. Click on the link
2. At the top of the page, click on the yellow "donate" button
3. Scroll down to the section that says "LiveSTRONG Portland Ride Donations" and click on "donate to a LiveSTRONG Portland rider"
4. This will prompt you for rider information. Enter ONLY Ryan's last name (Surface) and none of the other data, and hit "Search"
5. Scroll to the bottom and click on Ryan's name (he's the only Surface in the ride), and it will take you to the page.

It should not be this complicated, and I apologize - I'm not in charge of the technicalities of the website, so I have no idea why it's working easily for some and others have to use this work-around.

The ride is just over a week away, and Ryan has been training. I look forward to cheering him over the finish line - Tessa and I will be cheering loudly! We have several friends (Uncle Mike, Paul, Libby, Kent, Leah, and Darren) who are also doing the ride, and I'm so proud of these wonderful people for taking on this fabulous cause. And I'm so proud of YOU for your donations - thank you. Let's kick cancer's a**!

Live Strong!
Kristina

A good day!

Well, I am VERY pleased to report that Tessa and I are having a good day. She has been doing well, with no digestive upsets, and is getting back on her regular diet (though I've refrained from giving her milk so far). I am also feeling more like myself, so we walked to the preschool (only 8 blocks away) to deliver the library books (I'm the class librarian) for the kids who start today; Tessa had a grand time in the jogging stroller and I got a little exercise. Then, we met Michele & Elliott at Starbucks and visited for a while before heading back home. On the way home we stopped at Salon Effekts and visited with Krista and made Tessa a hair appointment (it seems crazy to take Tessa to a "salon" but she likes it and it actually costs less than the kid places with the airplane seats etc...and like I said, I'm Krista's loyal customer for life after the kindness she has showed me!). Then, we came home, hopped in the car, and joined Michele, Dave, and Elliott at their home for lunch and a playdate. Now we're home and Tessa is avoiding napping....see, I told you she was feeling better!

When quiet time is over we will go to Costco. Just another normal day!

I'm not sure if I'll be online tomorrow because in the morning we'll go to preschool, then I'm meeting Heather for a birthday lunch (am I really 36?!), and then we're going to the east side to pick up Marisa, Max, and Ryan to go to Orcas. HOORAY! I can't wait. Forget about breast cancer - I have birthday cake to eat. ;-)

Love to all,
Kristina

Thursday morning - so far so good!

Well, Tessa slept through the night last night without incident, and this morning she woke up hungry. HURRAH! I made her oatmeal with some apples and a little bit of yogurt in it, and I'm hoping that was the right thing to do. We're not letting her drink milk just yet, as I'm still afraid of the consequences, but - fingers crossed here - this bug might be as short as the last one. Let's hope it's gone for good!

We will have a quiet day today, do some grocery shopping but stay close to home so that we can all be well, because I really want to go to Orcas for my birthday. I would be so sad to cancel, and I don't plan on canceling!

I hope that you have a great day. I feel SO much better now that I've slept, that Tessa's better, and of course I'm further away from my last treatment and that helps, too....

Love to all,
Kristina

The end of a long day

As I type, Ryan is tucking Tessa into bed for the evening. Some time around 7pm, she started to act her normal self - sparkle in her eyes, more talkative, and she finally wanted some food. We gave her chicken rice soup, bread, and banana for dinner, and she was relatively uninterested, but I knew that she was going to be okay when she said, "Mommy, I would like some noodles please!" Thankfully, pasta is on the list of things I feel comfortable giving a child with an upset stomach, so I was grateful to oblige. (She has never even once asked me for noodles, and it's certainly not a dish we'd eat plain for dinner on a normal night, but she must have known what was best for her.) She ate about a 1/4 cup, which is an insubstantial amount for her usual appetite, but a massive improvement over the day's activities.

Her digestive system, overall, seems to be on the mend, and once again I have hope. And I hope that my hopes aren't dashed to the ground by morning!

Tonight my parents were going to have my birthday party at their house... sigh. My 36th birthday is not faring well so far. As long as we don't have to cancel going to Orcas this weekend I will survive...but be prepared for a major temper tantrum from me if I have to cancel THAT!

Amazing how a toddler's upset tummy can make even cancer take a back seat. Sure, I'm tired and bald, but that's nothing compared to having a sick child. I suppose that all the cliches about motherhood are true.

And with that...I'm off to bed. Good night!
Kristina

Help is on the way!

My mother just called, telling me that she is in the car, and coming to take care of Tessa.

Hallelujah. THANK YOU MOM! Today I need a break more than ever before, and I am so grateful.

Love,
K

PS For those who want to know...no more barf, but diarrhea has been added to the mix. Ack.......... Tessa is in pretty good spirits, but looks pretty pale, and just had her first bites to eat (toast and Gatorade - she hates Pedialyte). Let's hope they stay down! I know she's not well when she doesn't wake up and demand food immediately, as usually by 10am she's had two or three breakfasts. Literally!

Wahhhhhhh

This morning at about 5am, I heard Tessa "sneeze." Well, it wasn't a sneeze - this morning when I went to check on her she had thrown up again, and it was on her sheets and pillow. Ryan cleaned up around her and she is still sleeping now.

I'm so sad about this on any number of levels. Of course, I'm sorry for Tessa, who doesn't deserve to be sick. But this is also the day that my mom was going to take Tessa to give me some time to myself - my last day "off" before I do weekly chemo for 12 weeks. This was also my birthday dinner night (my actual birthday is Friday when we're supposed to go to Orcas) with my parents and some other family - my only actual birthday celebration this year. This was also the day that I was going to shop for my own birthday presents from Ryan and my parents (I want boots from Ryan, and a light fixture from my parents, and this is the one day I had to pick them out). I also still feel like crap, and the idea of another day like yesterday makes me want to sit on the floor and cry. I just don't have it in me to do another day where I feel that horrible but I have to be the caregiver, not receiving care.

I will do what I have to do because I have no choice. I will be a good mommy to Tessa, and I will wash loads of sheets and comforters, and I will comfort my little girl. I will send my husband to work so that he can be a provider for the family, and I'll figure it out. But it sucks.

Kristina

Patting myself on the back

It's my blog, and so I'm going to pat myself on the back.

Today, I am incredibly proud of myself not only for surviving through feeling horrible (I think this may be my worst day yet...sigh), but for being an active mother. I made it to PEPS, made brownies with Tessa, went to the library (and Tessa got her first library card - she doesn't want to use mine now!), ran laundry and the dishes, took Tessa on a tricycle ride around the block, and in a few minutes we'll sit down to corn, winter squash, and ribs from dinner with Ryan. I even sat on the floor and showed Tessa how to shuck the corn - which she loved - despite the mess and the fact that I wanted to crawl into a hole, not give lessons to a persistant two year old.

So I'm patting myself on the back. Each of these things by themselves are dull and uninteresting, certainly unworthy of comment, but today I feel like such crap that they are major accomplishments.

After dinner, I'm going to bed!
Kristina

No nap

Well, I tried. I even laid in Tessa's bed and rubbed her back for some time, and she didn't sleep. Finally I went to my own bed and she had some quiet time and I confess that I napped a few minutes...I'm just THAT tired.

Oh well. It will be early to bed for me tonight for certain!
K

Nap time...please!

This morning we went to Natasha's for PEPS and had a good visit. We swung by the grocery store for a couple "can't live without 'em" items, came home, and had lunch. Now I'm trying to summon up the energy to get Tessa ready for her nap.

Today I'm wiped out; I'm not sure why. My eyes ache, my skin aches, my head aches with fatigue. I'm grateful that it's not like this every day, and I'm grateful that I have another week before I do chemo again. I pray that today Tessa DOES take a nap or I fear I will have a total meltdown, because I am THAT tired.

Sigh.
Kristina

A Regular Tuesday

Good morning. I'm sorry I didn't update yesterday - "real life" was too busy to be on the computer much at all, and Tessa didn't nap.

Yesterday morning Tessa and I did art projects together (primarily involving rubber stamps), then Kathleen and Elena came over for a play date and lunch; after the "non-nap" we had a string of visitors, including Michele & Elliott, then Deirdre and Jessica, and then Susie & Nina. This was excellent as my energy levels were low and play dates do not require excess energy...the kids run around and the parents chat, and this was perfect for me.

We enjoyed Deirdre's great dinner together when Ryan got home, and then I left for the YSC meeting while Ryan stayed home with Tessa.

More thoughts on survivor meetings later - I'm too sleepy now, but I will return to the subject.

I did not sleep well last night and now I'm a sleepy person - albeit sleepless - this morning, but this is the way of things. We have a regular day planned today, as we will go to PEPS this morning at Natasha's, and then this afternoon we'll try to get books at the library (I am the class librarian at co-op, which starts for some kids on Thursday).

Today Erik has his hand surgery - Erik, I send you wishes of healing and quick recovery.

Love to all,
Kristina

Things to look forward to

I have a list of things that are motivating me right now:
- preschool's start this week (Friday morning) - Tessa is so excited and her excitement rubs off on me
- Orcas Island for my birthday (leave Friday afternoon, return Sunday) with Marisa
- the LAF ride in Portland (two nights in Portland, with friends and family, staying at a hotel)
- the trip to Leavenworth/Brunner's Lodge with my entire Dahl family
- Halloween and all about it - Tessa is going to be a tiger, and we'll traipse through the neighborhood. Last year we created a tradition of trading the candy for a special toy, and we'll keep that up this year (Ryan will bring the excess candy to work, I think). We'll have a potluck dinner with a couple of neighbors before Halloween truly starts, to make it more fun.
- Pumpkin patches! We love to visit them, and there are some good ones locally.
- Susan McM's visit from Boston (and time spent with Gretchen together)
- Thoughts of Thanksgiving at my parents' (they usually go out of town but htis year I've talked them into hosting so I don't have to!)
- The Nutcracker with Tessa & Ryan - Tessa's eyes will be so wide at the beautiful costumes and exciting story, and she's completely "into" ballet...it will be wonderful! (Plus I can't wait to see her in her patent leather shoes and Christmas dress...)
- December 7 - not only Pearl Harbor Day, it's my last chemo day!
- All the hubbub of Christmas - we're hosting this year at our house.

There are more things after these, of course, but I am focusing on the short term fantasies - it's hard to stay motivated for trips that will occur in 5 years, but I can think a few weeks out and feel inspired. :-)

This is neither here nor there, but I'm tired today and it helps me to focus on the wonderful things that are ahead. I will not always be this tired and worn out, and there is lots of optimism for the future, so I'm focusing on that.

Happy thoughts!
Kristina

Sunday and refreshed

Good morning!

This Sunday morning, Tessa is still sleeping, Ryan is off on a bike ride with Libby & Kent (poor Paul and his shoulder have to stay out of the race this month), and I'm just briefly checking in to say hello. Going to bed around the same time Tessa did is just what I needed, and I've awoken feeling much better than I did last night. Since Tessa is doing well (no barf last night!) when we're all up and going we will be heading to the Landahl's to have a playdate - Susan and I will chat while the kids play, and it will be lovely. (Erik is hiking, and Ryan is biking, so the girls will have girl-talk while the kids burn off steam.)

It's amazing what a good night's sleep can do - I feel really good again. Phew! Poison, be gone!

I hope that you are having a great day, and that the day finds you and yours in excellent health. Please send safe-riding vibes or prayers to the bike crew - I need my hubby in one piece, happy and whole!

With love,
Kristina