Hello, all! This list is growing by leaps and bounds, and I hope I haven't missed anyone. I am amazed by the love and friendship being shown to me now - thank you so, so much. Every message means the world to me - I run to the computer with a smile on my face, knowing that I have so much support. The strength of you, my friends and family, adds to mine immensely. Thank you for signing up to fight this war with me - on days when I can't hack it any more, I know you'll step in to fight for me, and that is extremely comforting.
Today is a relatively calm day, with only one appointment (a breast MR at Swedish). Tonight, however, is a big night, as we are going to sit down with our beautiful daughter and tell her that her mommy has cancer. This will be the hardest thing I've ever done - harder than hearing that I will have a mastectomy or cancer, harder than the pain of childbirth - it feels almost impossible. Please pray that I will find the right words, that Ryan and I will remain calm, and that our daughter can learn to accept that though her mommy isn't well, her mommy and daddy will protect her as much as they can from the hardships of the world. She needs to know, and we will tell her, but this is the thing I most wish I never had to do.
This weekend we are going to Orcas Island to play together with our friend Marisa (thanks, Marisa!) and relax at Marisa's cabin. It will be a cancer free weekend - there will be no email updates or phone calls, as we will be focusing on being normal and enjoying ourselves.
This Monday I go in for tons of tests, and will be at the hospital all day. I don't worry about the tests, only the results.
Stay strong, army! I have begun relying on you more than I ever imagined already, and I'm humbled. I'm so proud of all of you and the strength and love you have to give; and I'm so humbled by the amount of support that I have already accepted. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Love,
Kristina
Friday, June 03, 2005
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Meeting the surgeon
Hello again!
Today I had my big appointment with the surgeon. We didn't get quite as much information as I'd hoped for - there are still tests to be run (MRI, bone scan, blood tests, x-rays, etc.) before staging the cancer, and I don't have full names for the cancer yet. I will share more soon.
I do know that I will be having a mastectomy on June 13th, and that I will only be in the hospital overnight! Goodbye, breast, it's been fun but it's your time to go. Nobody with cancer is welcome in my body, not even one of "the girls." Further tests will be run to see if the right breast will go as well...I'm optimistic but nobody knows yet. Anyway, I will have reconstructive surgery some time in the next year and so I'm not going to dwell on this part....it's temporary. I was done breastfeeding anyway, so I don't mind getting some fake ones next.
I will begin chemotherapy when I'm recovered from the surgery, probably a few weeks later. Chemo can last anywhere from 3-6 months, and I don't know how long mine will be yet. We also don't know yet if I will need radiation after chemo, or if hormone therapies will work on my type of cancer - that information will be known soon.
I have been told that I will be pretty functional, though tired, throughout most of this process. I will able to be Tessa's mommy on at least a part time basis - we will still go to preschool, to the park, to the beach, and all the other toddler hangouts. That is the best news I got all morning....that has been my biggest concern.
We have appointments with a naturopathic oncologist, regular oncologist, surgeon, radiation oncologist (maybe), psycho oncologist (to talk about preparing Tessa for what is to come), and of course there are tests, tests, and more tests. I will be getting MRIs, bone scans, and xrays tomorrow so hopefully we will move forward in the diagnosis soon. (I had blood tests today.)
It's a lot of information to take in, but I celebrate that we are moving forward quickly and that my doctors are excellent. I'm told that my surgeon was voted "Best in Seattle" - now isn't that nice?!
Emotionally, I'm okay. Highs and lows, but really, doing better than I expected.
With love,Kristina
PS If there is anyone you want added to this list, let me know.
Today I had my big appointment with the surgeon. We didn't get quite as much information as I'd hoped for - there are still tests to be run (MRI, bone scan, blood tests, x-rays, etc.) before staging the cancer, and I don't have full names for the cancer yet. I will share more soon.
I do know that I will be having a mastectomy on June 13th, and that I will only be in the hospital overnight! Goodbye, breast, it's been fun but it's your time to go. Nobody with cancer is welcome in my body, not even one of "the girls." Further tests will be run to see if the right breast will go as well...I'm optimistic but nobody knows yet. Anyway, I will have reconstructive surgery some time in the next year and so I'm not going to dwell on this part....it's temporary. I was done breastfeeding anyway, so I don't mind getting some fake ones next.
I will begin chemotherapy when I'm recovered from the surgery, probably a few weeks later. Chemo can last anywhere from 3-6 months, and I don't know how long mine will be yet. We also don't know yet if I will need radiation after chemo, or if hormone therapies will work on my type of cancer - that information will be known soon.
I have been told that I will be pretty functional, though tired, throughout most of this process. I will able to be Tessa's mommy on at least a part time basis - we will still go to preschool, to the park, to the beach, and all the other toddler hangouts. That is the best news I got all morning....that has been my biggest concern.
We have appointments with a naturopathic oncologist, regular oncologist, surgeon, radiation oncologist (maybe), psycho oncologist (to talk about preparing Tessa for what is to come), and of course there are tests, tests, and more tests. I will be getting MRIs, bone scans, and xrays tomorrow so hopefully we will move forward in the diagnosis soon. (I had blood tests today.)
It's a lot of information to take in, but I celebrate that we are moving forward quickly and that my doctors are excellent. I'm told that my surgeon was voted "Best in Seattle" - now isn't that nice?!
Emotionally, I'm okay. Highs and lows, but really, doing better than I expected.
With love,Kristina
PS If there is anyone you want added to this list, let me know.
Note before meeting the surgeon
I go into today's appointment full of questions and concerns, but I want all of you to know how much every email, telephone call, thought, and deed has done to lift my spirits. I don't know what Susan's organizing yet, but she did call to say to me, "Do you have any idea how many friends you have?!" My answer is not humble, it's proud: Yes, I do. I really do. And I am touched and blessed. Your love and support mean more to me than ever before, and I promise you this....never again will I take one of you for granted. Cancer has given me that gift already, and you may remind me of it often.
Today we start to fight the beast. The beast has no idea what it's up against - it's not just me, it's my entire army! Stupid, stupid cancer - it doesn't know what's about to hit.
There will be down moments, and I will share them too. But I have so much to be joyful for.
Wish me luck!Love,
Kristina
Today we start to fight the beast. The beast has no idea what it's up against - it's not just me, it's my entire army! Stupid, stupid cancer - it doesn't know what's about to hit.
There will be down moments, and I will share them too. But I have so much to be joyful for.
Wish me luck!Love,
Kristina
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Good news!
It's not in the lymph node - that is a GREAT sign, and probably an indication that it hasn't spread into the rest of the body.
HOOOOOORRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!
HOOOOOORRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!
It's official... Diagnosis
Here are some things that I am grateful for:
1. I am married to the kindest, sweetest, funniest, most loyal, smart, handsome man that I have ever met. I am so grateful that he is my partner in all things.
2. We have the most beautiful, incredible, passionate, bright, loving daughter that I could ever have dreamed of, and she gives so much meaning and light to my life.
3. I have the best friends and family that a woman could ever ask for. I have known great love since the day I was born.
4. We have excellent health insurance, a wonderful home, and financial security.
5. We live in a city known for its excellent cancer treatment programs.
Here's something I'm not grateful for:
1. I have breast cancer.
The list of things that I am grateful for is so much longer than the list of things I'm upset about, and I will try to remember that in the hard months ahead.
I received a telephone call a short time ago from a nurse at Swedish. It is official that I have breast cancer in both lumps in my left breast; it's uncertain yet what the results of the lymph node biopsy are (fingers crossed for that). Tomorrow I will meet with a surgeon to discuss removing what needs removing and a plan of treatment, and also get further testing to see if the cancer has moved into my bones or other parts of my body. They have a scale of agressiveness for cancers, from 1 (not agressive) to 9 (very agressive). My cancer is rated a 6-7. That is all I know right now.
I need you. I need your thoughts and prayers, and I'm sure that I'm going to need help around the house and help with Tessa. As I write this a friend is caring for Tessa and giving her lunch, and Tessa is singing her ABCs and wiggling around with excitement because her little friend is here too. As much as I would rather be the one giving support than receiving it, I will humbly accept the support that is offered. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Please include Ryan in your prayers. This disease impacts our entire family - him almost as much as me. He needs to go on bike rides, to go bowling with the guys, and to have mindless nights of playing Xbox in order to keep strong to be a support to myself and Tessa. Please keep Tessa in your prayers. She needs to have a carefree heart, to feel secure in the idea that her parents will always be there for her, and she needs to feel free to be two (and beyond). And please pray for me, that I can face this head on, with a clear mind, optimism and faith in my heart. Please pray that Ryan and I can be strong for Tessa.
We will beat this thing. We will kick it and punch it and scratch it and bite it until it screams for mercy and retreats, never to be seen again. I refuse to discuss any mortality issues (and nobody knows anything right now anyway) - I plan to clap wildly at my daughter's college graduation, to dance at her wedding, and to cry happy tears as I watch a grandchild take his or her first step. I plan to retire with Ryan, surround by our friends and family, traveling the world and enjoying our friends and family, with lots of dinner parties, wine tastings, bike rides, fun runs, hikes, and walks on the beach. I plan to write that novel, and to publish short stories. This next year is going to be rough, but we will beat it. I am not a quitter.
My dear, wonderful friend Susan has agreed to be a coordinator for help. If you would like to offer something to us (you are by no means obligated but offers have come at me already and I don't have my head around what I need yet), please email Susan at susanl@microsoft.com or call her home number, (425) 392-2674.
Please keep phone calls to a minimum because I have a hard time talking about this and being strong for Tessa at the same time. Email is great for me right now. Call to say hi, call to say "Let's go to Alki!" but please don't ask how I'm doing right now. I WILL be fine, but I'm a bit of a mess right now!
I will continue to send email updates as I hear more - it's therapeutic for me, so thank you for reading this. If there is someone I should include on this list, please let me know and I'll add them.
With love and gratitude,
Kristina
PS Plan on Race for the Cure with me next year! http://www.komen.org/Events/find_race.aspx?nodeID=356
1. I am married to the kindest, sweetest, funniest, most loyal, smart, handsome man that I have ever met. I am so grateful that he is my partner in all things.
2. We have the most beautiful, incredible, passionate, bright, loving daughter that I could ever have dreamed of, and she gives so much meaning and light to my life.
3. I have the best friends and family that a woman could ever ask for. I have known great love since the day I was born.
4. We have excellent health insurance, a wonderful home, and financial security.
5. We live in a city known for its excellent cancer treatment programs.
Here's something I'm not grateful for:
1. I have breast cancer.
The list of things that I am grateful for is so much longer than the list of things I'm upset about, and I will try to remember that in the hard months ahead.
I received a telephone call a short time ago from a nurse at Swedish. It is official that I have breast cancer in both lumps in my left breast; it's uncertain yet what the results of the lymph node biopsy are (fingers crossed for that). Tomorrow I will meet with a surgeon to discuss removing what needs removing and a plan of treatment, and also get further testing to see if the cancer has moved into my bones or other parts of my body. They have a scale of agressiveness for cancers, from 1 (not agressive) to 9 (very agressive). My cancer is rated a 6-7. That is all I know right now.
I need you. I need your thoughts and prayers, and I'm sure that I'm going to need help around the house and help with Tessa. As I write this a friend is caring for Tessa and giving her lunch, and Tessa is singing her ABCs and wiggling around with excitement because her little friend is here too. As much as I would rather be the one giving support than receiving it, I will humbly accept the support that is offered. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Please include Ryan in your prayers. This disease impacts our entire family - him almost as much as me. He needs to go on bike rides, to go bowling with the guys, and to have mindless nights of playing Xbox in order to keep strong to be a support to myself and Tessa. Please keep Tessa in your prayers. She needs to have a carefree heart, to feel secure in the idea that her parents will always be there for her, and she needs to feel free to be two (and beyond). And please pray for me, that I can face this head on, with a clear mind, optimism and faith in my heart. Please pray that Ryan and I can be strong for Tessa.
We will beat this thing. We will kick it and punch it and scratch it and bite it until it screams for mercy and retreats, never to be seen again. I refuse to discuss any mortality issues (and nobody knows anything right now anyway) - I plan to clap wildly at my daughter's college graduation, to dance at her wedding, and to cry happy tears as I watch a grandchild take his or her first step. I plan to retire with Ryan, surround by our friends and family, traveling the world and enjoying our friends and family, with lots of dinner parties, wine tastings, bike rides, fun runs, hikes, and walks on the beach. I plan to write that novel, and to publish short stories. This next year is going to be rough, but we will beat it. I am not a quitter.
My dear, wonderful friend Susan has agreed to be a coordinator for help. If you would like to offer something to us (you are by no means obligated but offers have come at me already and I don't have my head around what I need yet), please email Susan at susanl@microsoft.com or call her home number, (425) 392-2674.
Please keep phone calls to a minimum because I have a hard time talking about this and being strong for Tessa at the same time. Email is great for me right now. Call to say hi, call to say "Let's go to Alki!" but please don't ask how I'm doing right now. I WILL be fine, but I'm a bit of a mess right now!
I will continue to send email updates as I hear more - it's therapeutic for me, so thank you for reading this. If there is someone I should include on this list, please let me know and I'll add them.
With love and gratitude,
Kristina
PS Plan on Race for the Cure with me next year! http://www.komen.org/Events/find_race.aspx?nodeID=356
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
I found a lump
Hello, friends and family.
As some of you are aware (and my apologies to those who are not yet aware - things are happening quickly and I'm not on top of it yet) last week I found a lump in my left breast. I went to the doctor, who sent me to the Comprehensive Breast Center at Swedish, and they did two sets of mammograms and an ultrasound on Friday. Today I went in for a biopsy.
So far, we know that I have two hard masses (lumps) in my left breast, a "suspicious" lymph node, and calcium deposits scattered throughout the breast. The lumps are uneven in shape, with microcalcifications surrounding them. These things are all indications of cancer; today I further questioned the doctor and she seems pretty convinced of that. Only a biopsy can tell for sure, and I will receive those results within the next 48 hours, but my radiologist (Dr. Hallum) is so concerned that she already has set up an appointment with a surgeon for Thursday to discuss removing the lumps regardless of the biopsy results. This surgeon has a two month waiting list, but based on my results so far she is willing to get me in right away.
This is a difficult time, as you might imagine. I've never been through anything like it, and it is terrifying. The terror is tempered, though, by the fact that I have an incredible support system (that's you!), including the best husband a woman could ask for (love you, sweetheart!) and a daughter who gives me reason to stay strong and positive. We have excellent health insurance (thank you, Microsoft!), as well.
I am pleading for your thoughts and prayers. It gives me great comfort to know that I have your support. Thank you - I may be leaning on you heavily in the next few months, and certainly in the next few days.
My request is that nobody talk about this in front of Tessa, including on the answering machine. I've (mistakenly) talked to people about it in her presence, and she's started having nightmares already. She has no idea what's up but she knows it's not good. Ryan and I need to come up with a strategy of what to tell her, but we need more information first. Soooo, if you leave a message please keep it upbeat and positive - I want to surround my little girl in positive happy thoughts, even when things aren't so good. I won't be talking on the phone about this when she's around, so I'll try to talk to some of you in the evenings when possible. Mostly, I'll be sending email.
I will send an update when I hear news. I'm still hoping that I'll have to parade around in a "Drama Queen" crown when this is over, but it looks like that is not very likely.
With love,
Kristina
As some of you are aware (and my apologies to those who are not yet aware - things are happening quickly and I'm not on top of it yet) last week I found a lump in my left breast. I went to the doctor, who sent me to the Comprehensive Breast Center at Swedish, and they did two sets of mammograms and an ultrasound on Friday. Today I went in for a biopsy.
So far, we know that I have two hard masses (lumps) in my left breast, a "suspicious" lymph node, and calcium deposits scattered throughout the breast. The lumps are uneven in shape, with microcalcifications surrounding them. These things are all indications of cancer; today I further questioned the doctor and she seems pretty convinced of that. Only a biopsy can tell for sure, and I will receive those results within the next 48 hours, but my radiologist (Dr. Hallum) is so concerned that she already has set up an appointment with a surgeon for Thursday to discuss removing the lumps regardless of the biopsy results. This surgeon has a two month waiting list, but based on my results so far she is willing to get me in right away.
This is a difficult time, as you might imagine. I've never been through anything like it, and it is terrifying. The terror is tempered, though, by the fact that I have an incredible support system (that's you!), including the best husband a woman could ask for (love you, sweetheart!) and a daughter who gives me reason to stay strong and positive. We have excellent health insurance (thank you, Microsoft!), as well.
I am pleading for your thoughts and prayers. It gives me great comfort to know that I have your support. Thank you - I may be leaning on you heavily in the next few months, and certainly in the next few days.
My request is that nobody talk about this in front of Tessa, including on the answering machine. I've (mistakenly) talked to people about it in her presence, and she's started having nightmares already. She has no idea what's up but she knows it's not good. Ryan and I need to come up with a strategy of what to tell her, but we need more information first. Soooo, if you leave a message please keep it upbeat and positive - I want to surround my little girl in positive happy thoughts, even when things aren't so good. I won't be talking on the phone about this when she's around, so I'll try to talk to some of you in the evenings when possible. Mostly, I'll be sending email.
I will send an update when I hear news. I'm still hoping that I'll have to parade around in a "Drama Queen" crown when this is over, but it looks like that is not very likely.
With love,
Kristina
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