Yawwwnnnn

It's Saturday at 9:05 and I will be in bed in a moment - I'm a tired girl. We had a good day today - Alki Bakery this morning, where we ran into Artie & Anna and had a nice visit, then a trip to Whale Tale Park where we ran into Natasha, Steve, Derek, and beautiful baby Paloma, then home to make cream of mushroom soup for lunch (from scratch - very easy actually) before Tessa's nap, then a few chores and making Susie's potato salad recipe (also easy), then to the Shogren's for a lovely BBQ. I didn't actually "do" much of anything, but at 6:30 I was looking at my watch and thinking of going to bed. What's with that?!

As Wednesday creeps closer, I am starting to dread chemo. I dread the poison going into my veins, and how I know I will feel as a result. I am trying to be positive about the whole thing, but in the end I'm just positively glad that next Wednesday is my last Adriamycin/Cytoxin chemo, and I'll be glad to be done with it (because I'm hoping/expecting the Taxol treatments to be easier). I know I've done well up until now but I'm tired of it, tired of feeling poisoned, tired of being tired. I will buck up and just do it, and I'm trying to have a good attitude, but that's hard.

A real update tomorrow or the next day...but I'm off to bed. Goodnight, all!
Kristina

Pajamas

The thing about chemo that most people think of, I think, is that people on chemo (in addition to being bald) spend most of their time laying down, hopefully not throwing up, but lounging in pajamas day and night and not moving much as they deal with the ill effects on their bodies. This, at least, is what I envisioned when I thought of myself on chemo. I thought I'd be trying to nibble on crackers while I lay in bed a lot of the time, watching television or something, and hoping that Tessa wouldn't mind if we just read stories all day.

For me, nothing could be further from the truth, though of course I don't have to tell you that if you read this blog regularly! Chemo has certainly slowed me down, but bed is the last place you'll find me, except during the usual hours (from about 10pm to 6am on most days). I'm not doing any marathons, but I'm not in my pajamas, either.

Except today, it's 10:04, and I'm still in my pajamas. I've been online looking at salad plates (my friend Susan L. is looking for some and I've joined the online search just for the heck of it), I've sent some email, looked at some websites, and now I'm updating here. It feels decadent! Ryan took Tessa to Grammy's, and Tessa and Grammy will have the usually wonderful time of going to Wiggle Worms class, visitng the pet store, having Chinese food with Grandpa, playing with Caleb and Mike, and all the rest. I have done laundry, and unloaded the dishwasher, and I have a list as long as my arm of things I could or should do (some of which I will actually do, I swear!) but right now I'm being a bum and enjoying it.

I don't want to slow down to a pajama pace for long - it makes me feel ill just to think of it - but I do appreciate the opportunity to slow down sometimes when I need it. I feel lucky that I'm able to do so today.

I hope that you get some down time today, too.
Love,
Kristina

growing up

Tessa has her first household task - a chore that she does each day with joy. She wants to help the family - we often hear her say "Mommy, Tessa can do it!" or "I want to help!" and we realized that, indeed, she can help. Her first chore, that she helped to choose, is to feed Mo. Every morning and every night, she says "We have to feed Mozart! I can do it!" and she rushes to his tub of food and doles some out into his bowl. He has learned that she is his food source, and will come and wait patiently until she's got it figured out. She pets him and says "I love my precious kitty," and she is just so proud of herself.

We are proud of our little helper, too - of her desire to be a part of the way this family works, and to learn new things.

Love,
Kristina

PS As I type this, I can hear Tessa on the baby monitor. Her latest statement has me laughing: "I love you, but I NEED coffee." Now where has she heard that before? LOL

Small victories

Tonight, when Ryan gets home, dinner will nearly be on the table - we're having grilled salmon (my "traditional" simple lemon pepper recipe), Susie's home-made potato salad recipe, corn on the cob, and brocolli. Oh, and a bottle of wine (just a little, really, I promise!) that Molly gave us, and chocolate chip cookies for dessert. That I baked. By myself. ;-)

Three months ago these things would not have been worthy of comment. These days, I'm proud of myself and I'm bragging. Could it be that I'm finally getting it together?!

Kristina

Healthy Tessa, Okay Kristina

Well, yesterday Tessa had a long nap (which she made up for by attempting to avoid sleep forever last night....asleep at 10:30pm and awake at 5:50am!) and her rest seems to have recovered her. No more runny nose, not crabby...so we're up and at'em.

This morning we hung out and actually did little things around the house (laundry and other nonsense) before heading to PEPS at Marilyn's house around 9:30. We hung out there for a couple of hours having a lovely time with friends (Tessa's and mine), and Tessa played very independently (THANK YOU, little one!) which allowed me some couch time to chat with my girlfriends. After that, we went to Zatz'a'Better'Bagel for lunch (where Tessa can watch the carwash across the street - to her, this is a fine resturant with a view!) and then we walked to the library to return some books. This might not sound like a very energetic day, but in my new regimen this is actually quite a lot of energy to expend and I'm quite proud of myself for making it.

When we got home, I did some more laundry, unloaded the dishwasher, read Tessa stories, and now I'm here for a few moments before a new friend, Katherine, comes to visit for a bit while Tessa (hopefully) naps.

In my own physical health...
Chemo is a strange beast. It feels like my molars are made of metal and my mouth tastes terrible and feels strange. My body feels like I've been drinking Clorox or some other such poison - it's an all-over feeling, not isolated to my digestive system....I just feel systemically poisoned. I only had the one day of nausea, which I can live with, but the poisoning just doesn't seem to fade. In new news, my nose hairs seem to have gone the way of the hair on my head (gone). This would not be interesting to me except that now I always have a drippy nose....apparently nose hair serves a purpose, and that purpose is no longer being met!

Overall, though, this is a good day, and I hope for more like it. I'm able to be a decent mother, I'm visiting with friends (old and new) and I'm getting some chores in. It could certainly be worse.

Love,
Kristina

Oh well

Well, it's always something... and it looks like TK has come down with a case of the sniffles. She's doing relatively well, but we are currently avoiding anybody in chemotheraphy (myself excluded, I suppose!), and newborn babies. What a drag - I hope that this doesn't last long for all of our sakes!

We're about to do an art project to make the day go by. Glitter and glue - what could be more fun for a sit still project when you're two years old?

Love,
Kristina

The weekend

Good morning, everyone.

I just realized that I haven't posted in two days, but all is well here. We have simply been too busy to get online too much!

The weekend was a combination of visitors (Mom & Dad S. came to visit), manicure-pedicures (thanks, Ryan!), visit to the Farmer's Market, a trip to Lincoln Park, a visit with Marisa & Max, a family meal with the Dahl clan, and lots more. Ryan even squeezed in a 33 mile bike ride and a hair cut... I promise I don't ignore him entirely! :-) Yesterday, Michele & Dave came over and Michele & I made an Asian feast for dinner, with the most delicious won ton soup I've had in years alongside some fresh and delightful sushi.

In short? The weekend was filled with normal things that we'd do before cancer. And that actually, seems like the most progress we've made in a long, long time. My energy levels aren't close to what they were, but it feels SO good to just do "normal" things without arranging everything around cancer. This is good timing - we only have 'til Wednesday with Caley and she's actually out sick today, so it's a good thing that I'm getting y act together now.

This weekend I also met Emily, who lives in West Seattle and also has breast cancer. She's going in to surgery today, so she is particularly in my thoughts. I tried to coach her that it will all be okay, as it was for me in my surgery, but the only thing that can truly make a person believe that is experiencing it themselves, and I feel for Emily as she faces her surgery.

In health news, Saturday night was my roughest night since chemo. I felt more nauseaus, and my blood felt just absolutely poisoned (ugh). This, I believe, is the cumulative effect I've heard about. I went to bed early despite having guests, and I took my meds, and these things seem to have helped...thank goodness. The worst effect is that I now dread my 4th AC treatment, but I will survive, and, after all, there is only one more before I switch to my weekly Taxol.

This weekend we got the frightening phone call that our dear friend Paul, while on a ride with Libby & Kent, crashed on his bike and actually had to be taken via ambulance to the hospital. He has a broken scapula (shoulderblade) and is in for some painful, uncomfortable recovery, but we are so grateful that he is not further hurt. Paul, we're thinking of you! You are, as always (but more than ever) in our thoughts and prayers.

With love to all,
Kristina