The beginning of something big

Today I signed up to walk the Breast Cancer 3 Day Walk for the Susan G. Komen Foundation. It will take place next August, and like the title says, it's a 3 day walk, covering 20 miles a day (60 total), all in the name of breast cancer fundraising. I am blessed to walk on a team - my friend Lori is captaining the team, and Michele has already signed up too, and I hope that others will sign up to walk with us as well.

This FEELS big to me. Right now, I couldn't walk three miles without being tired for days (wait...I'm tired for days anyway....LOL!) and 60 miles seems like a huge challenge. It also feels like an exciting goal, though. I will be done with chemo in December, and radiation in February, and from there I hope to get stronger and stronger and stronger. There are great studies out about how exercise positively impacts breast cancer patients, and this will keep me motivated to keep going. It's actually very exciting to think of completing such a walk, as it seems very symbollic of healing.

This is big on another level, too: I am going to do some serious fighting back against breast cancer. It is unacceptable that one in eight women will be diagnosed with this horrible disease. I look around at my friends, family, and especially beloved Tessa, and I find the "one in eight" number entirely unacceptable. Something must be done, and *I* must do it. I am not a doctor or a medical research expert, but I can fundraise, so that is where I will focus my efforts. I want to put my heart and soul into this, and make a big difference.

There is a link to the right on this page, newly updated, to my fundraising page. Stay tuned for more details! The actual event isn't until August 2006, but as of today, I've paid my entry fee, and I'm committed. I hope that you'll think about joining me, either in walking and fundraising, or by donating.

Love,
Kristina

A burst of energy

Today I have been much more energized than in the past few weeks. As a result, my house looks better than it has in a long time - I've vacuumed, scrubbed the bathroom tile, washed and put away laundry, scrubbed the kitchen sink, and done lots of other, similar chores that I'd been putting off for too long. Ryan took Tessa to preschool and afterwards they went to Starbucks together, so I had the morning mostly to myself, and it felt good to be productive. This afternoon, I'm shooing Ryan out the door to have some time for himself (much needed and deserved, and I know he welcomes it) and Susie & Nina are coming over for a playdate.

I know that I hit bottom a couple of weeks ago, and things looked very bleak to me, but things are definitely improving. I am glad I didn't stay down long, and I'm working hard at trying to find the light and optimism that I know exists. I - we - intend to come out of this stronger than ever.

I know that by the evening I will be exhausted again - this is inevitable - but that's okay. I will take energy where I can find it!

Love,
Kristina

8 chemo down, 8 to go

I am home from chemo, and no matter how you look at it now I'm half way done. I've been in chemo since July 27 (12 weeks + one "rest" week when I was sick) and I will be done December 14 if things stay on track (8 more weeks) so I'm over the numbers hump AND the time hump.

My doctor is pleased how I'm doing. I asked if it was possible to lower the Decadron dosage since I'm doing so well with Taxol (no more allergic reactions) but the fear is that I might have another allergic reaction if we lower the Decadron (steroid), so it stays where it's at. Of course this is the right thing to do but also unfortunate as I'm bloated (can't wear my rings or bracelets - my watch may be next to go) and it interferes with my sleep...but these things are better than the alternative, and now that I've explored that alternative with a doctor I truly trust I will stop wondering about it.

I am more tired than ever before - the "cumulative effect" is really catching up with me. It's not something I can just push through at this point - at the end of the day I'm crabby and impatient because I'm just so tired I can't think. In this sense, it is very fortunate that Ryan is home with me, because he's REALLY helping to pick up extra time with Tessa to allow me to vege out as I need to. The doctor says that this is what I must do - it's no time to play at being strong when I don't feel that way - and reminds me that this is tempory. Being more than half way done does help me with this perspective...it wasn't that long ago that I couldn't imagine having completed 8 rounds of chemo, but I've done it, and I know I can do 8 more. I'm cutting back on everything - less caring for Tessa, less housework (Ryan is picking up slack with both of these things), and also less time at the computer, blogging or doing email, etc.

Things are better than they were last week...calmer. Ryan and I are adjusting to the new routine of having him at home, and there is (once again) room for optimism and hope. Phew.

Good night!

Love,
Kristina

Still trying to make sense of things

Well, it's Tuesday, and I'm still trying to make sense of things. Ryan has been off for a week, and we are doing okay but have certainly not found our groove. We're both in individual therapy and are waiting for an appt with the marriage therapist. We're working hard on sorting things out.

I have been on antibiotics for a while (done with them now) and my cold is diminished to occassional coughs, and lots of nose blowing. This is a major improvement, and I expect to be on track for chemo tomorrow.

The thing about all of this is that it is just so tiring. I really wish I could snap my fingers and make it all better. The cumulative effects of the chemo are catching up with me in terms of fatigue, and I think because of that it's harder for me to stay caught up with even simple things.

I feel like if I could just get one uninterrupted night of sleep (no insomnia), and really focus on what needs to be done, maybe I could make some inroads, but instead, I'm operating in a fog.

In the middle of this fog, there are bright spots. PEPS is coming over today to hang out, and there are play dates planned, and things are in the works to utilize the Ummelina Spa gift certificate that I received this summer. Last night Ryan planned a date for us, and we had a nice dinner. One day at a time.

Oh, and since I mentioned it here - despite the flexibility and quick money, I have decided that this is not the right time for me to work. I think that when I've got my head screwed on straight it would be an excellent opportunity, and I may do it then, but right now I just need to focus on the day to day and the healing that needs to occur. I only have enough energy for that right now, unfortunately, and I'm going to take my body's cues.

I hope everyone else is enjoying this foggy day - fall is here!
Kristina