I got a message from my oncologist that the CT scan looks the same as the one in June, and that she's not concerned. She will review it with me when I go in on Wednesday for chemo.
I have a really bad cold. I'm hoping it goes away in time to be better for the next round of chemo so my counts are high and I don't have to miss any more chemo weeks and bump the finish date out further.
My bottom lashes are almost gone, and half of each eyebrow is almost gone. My appearance is changing again.
Thank you to all of you for your love and support - it has been overwhelming, in a good way, in the past day. As I said, I will continue to update medical/physical stuff here, and I appreciate your love and prayers for both that and our personal problems.
Love,
Kristina
Friday, October 07, 2005
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Taking a break
I have decided to take a break from blogging. I will update anything medical as it goes on so that anyone interested can check on my health, but I don't have the energy right now to share some of my more private thoughts.
Ryan's depression and my breast cancer's onset are too much to bear right now - the combination is more than I know how to handle gracefully. Ryan may need to leave his job, and the possibility of unemployment is more than I know what to do with, as our savings are almost non-existant. We will get by with the help of family, and we will look at liquidating assets (our house) as a possibility to keep us afloat; I will look at returning to work; Ryan will look for other employment. Ryan and I are not supporting one another well, and the tension in our house is so thick you can cut it with a knife. These things, combined with my ongoing treatment, make it hard for me to be the inspiring, optimistic person that I wish to be. I wish I could give more right now, but I can not. Ryan and I are seeking individual counseling, along with marriage counseling. We will get through this, one way or another.
That is all I can say on the subject. Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. I will regain my zest and optimism soon, but right now I need to take a break from sharing the details of my life.
Thank you for understanding.
Kristina
Ryan's depression and my breast cancer's onset are too much to bear right now - the combination is more than I know how to handle gracefully. Ryan may need to leave his job, and the possibility of unemployment is more than I know what to do with, as our savings are almost non-existant. We will get by with the help of family, and we will look at liquidating assets (our house) as a possibility to keep us afloat; I will look at returning to work; Ryan will look for other employment. Ryan and I are not supporting one another well, and the tension in our house is so thick you can cut it with a knife. These things, combined with my ongoing treatment, make it hard for me to be the inspiring, optimistic person that I wish to be. I wish I could give more right now, but I can not. Ryan and I are seeking individual counseling, along with marriage counseling. We will get through this, one way or another.
That is all I can say on the subject. Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. I will regain my zest and optimism soon, but right now I need to take a break from sharing the details of my life.
Thank you for understanding.
Kristina
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Six down, ten to go
No allergic reactions today. Ryan came home sick and has perhaps the same flu my mom has. Tessa was able to spend the morning with Linda & Lexi, and the afternoon with Michele & Elliott. She had a wonderful time, and all is well with her.
I had my CT scan this morning, and the tentative agreement is that it looks good. However, they didn't have my old scans to compare things, so we're waiting for those in order to get the definitive results.
I discussed Taxotere vs Taxol with Dr. Rinn. I feel good about our decision to go with Taxol, and I feel I understand the studies better.
I came home to find dinner from Beth. Thanks, Beth.
Tomorrow we'll go to preschool and we have a playdate scheduled for the afternoon. HOpefully she chooses tomorrow to nap in the middle of those activities!
Love to all,
Kristina
PS Sorry it's so short - I just got home, and it was SUCH a busy day. I must get sleep in preparation for another busy day tomorrow.
I had my CT scan this morning, and the tentative agreement is that it looks good. However, they didn't have my old scans to compare things, so we're waiting for those in order to get the definitive results.
I discussed Taxotere vs Taxol with Dr. Rinn. I feel good about our decision to go with Taxol, and I feel I understand the studies better.
I came home to find dinner from Beth. Thanks, Beth.
Tomorrow we'll go to preschool and we have a playdate scheduled for the afternoon. HOpefully she chooses tomorrow to nap in the middle of those activities!
Love to all,
Kristina
PS Sorry it's so short - I just got home, and it was SUCH a busy day. I must get sleep in preparation for another busy day tomorrow.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Gratitude and debt
I am in debt to my friends and family more than I will ever be able to repay. I know this as a certain fact, and it alternately makes me feel terribly guilty and incredibly loved (actually, usually it makes me feel both of those things at the same time).
Since I was diagnosed, Susan has arranged with a small army to have meals delivered to our home two or three times per week. The meals have kept coming, and I haven't begun to thank people for them. Actually, I haven't written a thank you card in months - I really, honestly intend to, but I just haven't figured out a way to get the energy to do so. This makes me mad at myself because with all of the effort people have made to keep us loved and fed, the least I can do is write a little note and get it in the mail. I know that my manners are abysmal on this count, and I am grateful to all of you who have not only fed us but also forgiven my poor etiquette.
In addition to the meals, I have received cards and packages in the mail with greater frequency than ever before in my life. I have received books (both on and off the topic of breast cancer), chocolates, breast cancer awareness information (pins, etc.), small toys for Tessa, a CD narrated by Maya Angelou, notecards (which I SHOULD be using for thank you notes), inspirational verses, baked goods, hats, scarves, gift certificates, and more. My mom has watched Tessa weekly so that I can go to chemo, and has helped when I have been sick. Friends helped to throw Ryan a birthday party, to hire a housekeeper to help me on occasion, and to send me to yoga class. I am truly blessed.
Additionally, I have had help with Tessa when I have asked for it. Today, I sent a message to some West Seattle friends asking for help tomorrow (my mom has been wonderful in taking care of Tessa on chemo days, but she's sick) and within minutes I received several responses from friends who tried to make it sound like it was absolutely no big deal to take on a toddler for hours and hours. (Michele & Linda, thank you thank you thank you!) What would I have done without this support - take Tessa to chemo with me?
Today, instead of writing thank you cards, I'm going to tackle a mountain of laundry and mop the kitchen floor while Tessa sleeps. This morning, instead of writing thank you cards, I went to Coffee to a Tea with Tessa, then went for a "leaf walk" (our dining room table is now decorated with a basket of leaves personally selected by Tessa) and then came home to eat lunch and read stories before Tessa's quiet time. I sincerely hope and pray that these "normal" types of activities mean that even though I don't have anywhere near my usual energy most days (today I feel good, hence the activity) days like today make it up to Tessa. I choose to give that energy to Tessa where I can so that she does not have a cancer-flavored-childhood, and I am indebted to those who have been helping me for understanding this.
I know who you are, and your help has been an instrumental part of my healing. Thank you to all of you. One day, I hope I can repay you your many kindnesses.
With love,
Kristina
Since I was diagnosed, Susan has arranged with a small army to have meals delivered to our home two or three times per week. The meals have kept coming, and I haven't begun to thank people for them. Actually, I haven't written a thank you card in months - I really, honestly intend to, but I just haven't figured out a way to get the energy to do so. This makes me mad at myself because with all of the effort people have made to keep us loved and fed, the least I can do is write a little note and get it in the mail. I know that my manners are abysmal on this count, and I am grateful to all of you who have not only fed us but also forgiven my poor etiquette.
In addition to the meals, I have received cards and packages in the mail with greater frequency than ever before in my life. I have received books (both on and off the topic of breast cancer), chocolates, breast cancer awareness information (pins, etc.), small toys for Tessa, a CD narrated by Maya Angelou, notecards (which I SHOULD be using for thank you notes), inspirational verses, baked goods, hats, scarves, gift certificates, and more. My mom has watched Tessa weekly so that I can go to chemo, and has helped when I have been sick. Friends helped to throw Ryan a birthday party, to hire a housekeeper to help me on occasion, and to send me to yoga class. I am truly blessed.
Additionally, I have had help with Tessa when I have asked for it. Today, I sent a message to some West Seattle friends asking for help tomorrow (my mom has been wonderful in taking care of Tessa on chemo days, but she's sick) and within minutes I received several responses from friends who tried to make it sound like it was absolutely no big deal to take on a toddler for hours and hours. (Michele & Linda, thank you thank you thank you!) What would I have done without this support - take Tessa to chemo with me?
Today, instead of writing thank you cards, I'm going to tackle a mountain of laundry and mop the kitchen floor while Tessa sleeps. This morning, instead of writing thank you cards, I went to Coffee to a Tea with Tessa, then went for a "leaf walk" (our dining room table is now decorated with a basket of leaves personally selected by Tessa) and then came home to eat lunch and read stories before Tessa's quiet time. I sincerely hope and pray that these "normal" types of activities mean that even though I don't have anywhere near my usual energy most days (today I feel good, hence the activity) days like today make it up to Tessa. I choose to give that energy to Tessa where I can so that she does not have a cancer-flavored-childhood, and I am indebted to those who have been helping me for understanding this.
I know who you are, and your help has been an instrumental part of my healing. Thank you to all of you. One day, I hope I can repay you your many kindnesses.
With love,
Kristina
Monday, October 03, 2005
Monday morning
I haven't been online much at all this weekend. I think I needed some time away from reflection and from putting on my happy face...even I can only do so much of that.
Last week really took it out of me. Ryan's job is filled with issues (thank you for keeping him in your thoughts and prayers) that fill each of us with stress, and then my allergic reaction really threw me for a loop. I felt really wiped out, perhaps psychologically as well as physically, all weekend, and had a hard time catching my (metaphorical) breath.
However, we I did participate in two great activities this weekend. First, on Saturday, Ryan, Tessa and I joined our neighbors Kathleen, Jim, and Elena and we went to Remlinger Farms for the day. The girls (Elena is Tessa's age) had so much fun that their joy and enthusiasm was contagious, and though for some of it I merely stood on the sidelines and cheered (unlike Ryan, who had as much fun in the hay jump as Tessa did) it was a really fun experience. Tessa got to ride on a pony twice, as well as many other activities, and her boldness, enthusiasm, and joy brought pride and love to my heart.
Here's a picture of Tessa, face alight with glee, in the petting farm area:
...and here is a picture of Tessa and Elena onstage at the puppet show, playing banana percussion:
...and here is a picture of Tessa and Elena in the canoe ride.
Then, on Sunday, Ryan very kindly took care of Tessa most of the day, and I went to a ladies' tea at Linda's house along with the PEPS group. The tea was lovely - complete with scones, crustless sandwiches, and frilly china - and the company was wonderful. The PEPS kids are all so active and noisy that our PEPS meetings aren't exactly restful oases of conversation for the adults, so having time for conversation was a real treat.
Now, it is Monday, and Ryan has been at work for an hour already. Tessa and I will run some errands this morning, perhaps try for a play date, and such goes the week. I am trying to keep Wednesday out of my thoughts, but it's hard. This Wednesday is my rescheduled CT scan...they're going back to look at my lungs to see if the nodules found in June have changed. This is terrifying, but I am trying to be calm about it and to avoid freaking out before I even have any information. And then, of course, on Wednesday there is also chemo....which I hate to think about because of my reaction last time. I think that after Wednesday I will feel much better, however...I just need the CT scan to be normal and the chemo to go well. If they both went well, it would be better than winning the lottery, actually.
And one more thought, on the subject of early menopause: YUCK. At night, I have hot flashes at least hourly. This wouldn't be such a bad thing, except that they wake me up, and afterwards I'm often chilled. I am taking a sleeping pill, but it is powerless in the face of hot flashes, and I find my hot-flash induced insomnia truly troubling. Whatta mess.
I hope that this week finds you well, free of allergic reactions, and filled with joy with friends and family.
Love,
Kristina
Last week really took it out of me. Ryan's job is filled with issues (thank you for keeping him in your thoughts and prayers) that fill each of us with stress, and then my allergic reaction really threw me for a loop. I felt really wiped out, perhaps psychologically as well as physically, all weekend, and had a hard time catching my (metaphorical) breath.
However, we I did participate in two great activities this weekend. First, on Saturday, Ryan, Tessa and I joined our neighbors Kathleen, Jim, and Elena and we went to Remlinger Farms for the day. The girls (Elena is Tessa's age) had so much fun that their joy and enthusiasm was contagious, and though for some of it I merely stood on the sidelines and cheered (unlike Ryan, who had as much fun in the hay jump as Tessa did) it was a really fun experience. Tessa got to ride on a pony twice, as well as many other activities, and her boldness, enthusiasm, and joy brought pride and love to my heart.
Here's a picture of Tessa, face alight with glee, in the petting farm area:
...and here is a picture of Tessa and Elena onstage at the puppet show, playing banana percussion:
...and here is a picture of Tessa and Elena in the canoe ride.
Then, on Sunday, Ryan very kindly took care of Tessa most of the day, and I went to a ladies' tea at Linda's house along with the PEPS group. The tea was lovely - complete with scones, crustless sandwiches, and frilly china - and the company was wonderful. The PEPS kids are all so active and noisy that our PEPS meetings aren't exactly restful oases of conversation for the adults, so having time for conversation was a real treat.
Now, it is Monday, and Ryan has been at work for an hour already. Tessa and I will run some errands this morning, perhaps try for a play date, and such goes the week. I am trying to keep Wednesday out of my thoughts, but it's hard. This Wednesday is my rescheduled CT scan...they're going back to look at my lungs to see if the nodules found in June have changed. This is terrifying, but I am trying to be calm about it and to avoid freaking out before I even have any information. And then, of course, on Wednesday there is also chemo....which I hate to think about because of my reaction last time. I think that after Wednesday I will feel much better, however...I just need the CT scan to be normal and the chemo to go well. If they both went well, it would be better than winning the lottery, actually.
And one more thought, on the subject of early menopause: YUCK. At night, I have hot flashes at least hourly. This wouldn't be such a bad thing, except that they wake me up, and afterwards I'm often chilled. I am taking a sleeping pill, but it is powerless in the face of hot flashes, and I find my hot-flash induced insomnia truly troubling. Whatta mess.
I hope that this week finds you well, free of allergic reactions, and filled with joy with friends and family.
Love,
Kristina
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