Well, surprise surprise....another baby! Lynn just called me to tell me that her beautiful baby boy, Kevin, made his entrance to the world yesterday morning. The joy in her voice adds to the joy in my heart. Congratulations, Lynn & Jon - and welcome to the world, baby Kevin!
These are the things that make the world go round. Babies are where it's at, not cancer. And since I'm perfectly content with my own two and a half year old "baby," I am grateful to my friends for providing this joy so that I do not need to! LOL
Love to all,
Kristina
Saturday, August 13, 2005
Joy!
My wonderful friend Natasha just sent out an email to our PEPS gang that she has gone into labor with their second child. I'm SO excited for her - and I feel my heart beat faster with that excitement, and the joy that accompanies it.
Natasha, I'm sending you love and prayers for a speedy, happy, healthy birth, with a perfectly healthy bundle of baby. I wish Daddy Steve strength and happiness for the labor, and I wish big brother Derek only brotherly love as he meets his little brother or sister.
I can't wait for the happy update! Boy or girl? How big? How was labor? Now THESE are thoughts worth dwelling on....to hell with cancer, I have more interesting things to think about!
Love,
Kristina
Natasha, I'm sending you love and prayers for a speedy, happy, healthy birth, with a perfectly healthy bundle of baby. I wish Daddy Steve strength and happiness for the labor, and I wish big brother Derek only brotherly love as he meets his little brother or sister.
I can't wait for the happy update! Boy or girl? How big? How was labor? Now THESE are thoughts worth dwelling on....to hell with cancer, I have more interesting things to think about!
Love,
Kristina
Zoo, wig, garage-sale dresses, and sunshine
This morning, after heading to Starbucks for fortification (interestingly, coffee didn't sound good to me - VERY unusual - so I had an Odwalla smoothie instead, which hit the spot) we headed to the zoo. Today Tessa really wanted to spend time seeing monkeys and gorillas, but we also had a lovely time in the butterfly garden - for Ryan and I, that was a real highlight, and Tessa enjoyed it too.
After the zoo, we headed off to a nearby location (Greenwood) to pick up my second wig, which I like even more than my first. As soon as Ryan's got Tessa down for her nap (which he's doing right now), I'll post a picture. It needs to be styled the way I like it (and it can be styled any way - it's made of human hair) but the basic shape is right and I'm excited to have it. I actually feel - gasp - pretty! - when I wear it, and that's something I don't mind at all.
Today my hair is coming out in earnest. My stubble, that is. I took a lint brush (basically glorified masking tape on a roller brush) and ran it over my head and it just keeps coming out....so, day 17 is the official day for major loss. I can hardly wait to have smooth underarms and legs, but at this point it's also a relief to lose the stubble-head, which is prickly and unattractive. (Smooth bald will be better, trust me!).
We also took time to go to Red Mill Burgers for lunch - the best burgers in town - and I got a cheeseburger. Bad, bad me....not on my "approved" list. But I'm a rebel and since I'm usually so good I just decided that I didn't care! Yummmmmm.
We stopped by a garage sale near where our car was parked, and I got a VERY cute (in my opinion!) $2 red dress. With the wig and the dress I told Ryan that I'm dying for a date - I've chosen Matador (new resturant that just opened in the Junction; no kids allowed!) so we have to get planning. See, I really am starting to feel like myself.
The day is warm and all the fans in the house are going; I'm betting that we'll sleep downstairs in the guest room tonight. All is well, and our family seems to be having an excellent day for the most part. I hope that you are doing as well!
Love,
Kristina
PS As soon as I have it, I'll upload a picture of the new wig on me, unstyled though it may be.
PPS Here it is. Not taken from the best angle, and it still needs to be styled (I'll call Krista early next week) but not bad! You can also see the top of the new red dress in this pic.
After the zoo, we headed off to a nearby location (Greenwood) to pick up my second wig, which I like even more than my first. As soon as Ryan's got Tessa down for her nap (which he's doing right now), I'll post a picture. It needs to be styled the way I like it (and it can be styled any way - it's made of human hair) but the basic shape is right and I'm excited to have it. I actually feel - gasp - pretty! - when I wear it, and that's something I don't mind at all.
Today my hair is coming out in earnest. My stubble, that is. I took a lint brush (basically glorified masking tape on a roller brush) and ran it over my head and it just keeps coming out....so, day 17 is the official day for major loss. I can hardly wait to have smooth underarms and legs, but at this point it's also a relief to lose the stubble-head, which is prickly and unattractive. (Smooth bald will be better, trust me!).
We also took time to go to Red Mill Burgers for lunch - the best burgers in town - and I got a cheeseburger. Bad, bad me....not on my "approved" list. But I'm a rebel and since I'm usually so good I just decided that I didn't care! Yummmmmm.
We stopped by a garage sale near where our car was parked, and I got a VERY cute (in my opinion!) $2 red dress. With the wig and the dress I told Ryan that I'm dying for a date - I've chosen Matador (new resturant that just opened in the Junction; no kids allowed!) so we have to get planning. See, I really am starting to feel like myself.
The day is warm and all the fans in the house are going; I'm betting that we'll sleep downstairs in the guest room tonight. All is well, and our family seems to be having an excellent day for the most part. I hope that you are doing as well!
Love,
Kristina
PS As soon as I have it, I'll upload a picture of the new wig on me, unstyled though it may be.
PPS Here it is. Not taken from the best angle, and it still needs to be styled (I'll call Krista early next week) but not bad! You can also see the top of the new red dress in this pic.
Friday, August 12, 2005
Caley & Tessa
Here are two pictures of Tessa and Caley (one with moi, as well). I don't say it enough here - Caley is a wonder and a delight, and I enjoy her company immensely. I feel much stronger than I thought I would, so physically I think I can deal with it when she goes back to school, but boy oh boy am I going to miss her. Tessa will also feel this hole, and I can only hope that there will be lots of visits through the year, and the years to come. We three have spent a lot of time bonding this summer, and I believe those ties will never be broken. We're lucky to have Claey in our lives, and I will never forget it.
With love,
Kristina
Another uneventful day
And by uneventful, I think I mean "good!" Today I am fatigued but in a bearable way. I had a lazy morning, but still managed (with Caley's help, while Tessa was entertaining herself) to clean out the bathroom linen closet, to return some overdue phone calls, and to get some laundry going. We went out for lunch at Capers to get out of the house, and then I came home and Caley took Tessa for a walk to burn off some toddler energy.
Tessa is down for her nap now, and Caley is running some errands for herself, and I will lay down and try to nap as well. If sleep doesn't come, I'll read a little, but I will rest.
No news from my pregnant friends...no births yet! I can't wait to hear the happy announcements. :-)
Tonight Eric, Alice, and their boys Beck & Carl are bringing us dinner and staying to eat it with us. We look forward to their company, and of course to their generousity in providing dinner. We are so blessed to have such great friends to take care of us.
With love to all,
Kristina
Tessa is down for her nap now, and Caley is running some errands for herself, and I will lay down and try to nap as well. If sleep doesn't come, I'll read a little, but I will rest.
No news from my pregnant friends...no births yet! I can't wait to hear the happy announcements. :-)
Tonight Eric, Alice, and their boys Beck & Carl are bringing us dinner and staying to eat it with us. We look forward to their company, and of course to their generousity in providing dinner. We are so blessed to have such great friends to take care of us.
With love to all,
Kristina
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Full time mommy
Today was my first day in a long time as a full-time mommy. Ryan left for work at a relatively normal time, and then Tessa and I stayed home together (getting a slow start) and then went to visit Linda & Lexi at their house, with Susie and Nina joining. I think I was pretty on top of things but I did accept when Linda offered lunch - I'm not a fool! :-) Thank you, Linda. Anyway, the ladies had fun chatting and the girls ran around having a blast together and (thankfully!) wearing each other out.
After our visit, Tessa and I came home and I got her ready for her nap, which, thankfully, she went down for. (She's missed a lot of naps lately, opting for quiet time instead. Quiet time is not quiet, although it is independent play in her room.)
I got a couple of hours to myself, which I used to rest, and not do chores, as I realized that otherwise I'd throw myself out of commission, which was not an option today.
Then, I woke Tessa up at 4:15 so that we could go to the hospital together so that I could get my Neulasta shot. Tessa was an angel - she had her snack in the car and chatted with me, and was a perfect companion for the drive and the wait in the hospital, and then for the shot itself. While waiting for my name to be called, we watched the beautiful tropical fish and had the good fortune (from Tessa's point of view) to see feeding time. Tessa spent time naming the fish (Fred, Stripey, Oskar, and others) and talking to them, and she was her sweetest, most inquisitive self. We were called in, and I set Tessa up in the chair beside me with her books to entertain her. She never opened the books, instead chatting with the nurse helping us and with another nurse who came by just to talk to Tessa. I got my shot - and Tessa was very brave, following her mother's modeling (really, it's just a quick sting, not bad at all), and then we left for home.
On the way home, Tessa said, "Mommy, don't forget to stop at the drugstore!" She's such a little smarty-pants....indeed, I would have forgotten to pick up (sorry for the overshare here) stool softeners, which I was out of, and which are an integral part of my survival these days. So we stopped, and Tessa charmed the sales clerks all the more, and then we came home.
I heated turkey pot pies (not our favorite but at about the level of energy I had today) for dinner, with a side of peas and some fresh fruit, and Tessa and I dined alone because Ryan was working late. Ryan got home around 7:30 to the delight of both wife and daughter, and we chatted with him as he had his dinner (wisely, he elected for a ploughman's platter of Dubliner cheese, bread, salami, smoked salmon, insalata caprese with tomatoes from our garden, and grapes....a much better choice than mine!). Then he gave Tessa her bath and tucked her in, and here I am on the computer for a moment before going to bed.
All that rambling, with nothing real to report.
The biggest thing on my mind right now is my chemo brain. Really, I feel impaired. YUCK. I mix up my words and I'm forgetful and full of faux pas. I will recover but it's very unsettling.
In my thoughts today are my many pregnant friends. Natasha, Krystal, Shannon, and Lynn are all due this month, with Lynn due any second and Natasha next in line. Heather has been struggling with morning sickness, as has Susie, and I hope that their struggles are at the end and so they can move into the fun second trimester with no problems. Lucky Linda appears to be doing well in her pregnancy - you go girl! It's not comfortable to be in the heat (the last two days have been a bit cooler, which is actually a nice reprieve) and I remember how desperate I was to meet my baby in the last few days of the pregnancy...anyway, ladies, I wish you and your families all the best. In the sea of chaos and hospitals that is my life, the blessings that these little ones bring seem doublefold. I am very much looking forward to holding these new lives in my arms, and crying tears of joy over their perfection and beauty.
With love to all,
Kristina
After our visit, Tessa and I came home and I got her ready for her nap, which, thankfully, she went down for. (She's missed a lot of naps lately, opting for quiet time instead. Quiet time is not quiet, although it is independent play in her room.)
I got a couple of hours to myself, which I used to rest, and not do chores, as I realized that otherwise I'd throw myself out of commission, which was not an option today.
Then, I woke Tessa up at 4:15 so that we could go to the hospital together so that I could get my Neulasta shot. Tessa was an angel - she had her snack in the car and chatted with me, and was a perfect companion for the drive and the wait in the hospital, and then for the shot itself. While waiting for my name to be called, we watched the beautiful tropical fish and had the good fortune (from Tessa's point of view) to see feeding time. Tessa spent time naming the fish (Fred, Stripey, Oskar, and others) and talking to them, and she was her sweetest, most inquisitive self. We were called in, and I set Tessa up in the chair beside me with her books to entertain her. She never opened the books, instead chatting with the nurse helping us and with another nurse who came by just to talk to Tessa. I got my shot - and Tessa was very brave, following her mother's modeling (really, it's just a quick sting, not bad at all), and then we left for home.
On the way home, Tessa said, "Mommy, don't forget to stop at the drugstore!" She's such a little smarty-pants....indeed, I would have forgotten to pick up (sorry for the overshare here) stool softeners, which I was out of, and which are an integral part of my survival these days. So we stopped, and Tessa charmed the sales clerks all the more, and then we came home.
I heated turkey pot pies (not our favorite but at about the level of energy I had today) for dinner, with a side of peas and some fresh fruit, and Tessa and I dined alone because Ryan was working late. Ryan got home around 7:30 to the delight of both wife and daughter, and we chatted with him as he had his dinner (wisely, he elected for a ploughman's platter of Dubliner cheese, bread, salami, smoked salmon, insalata caprese with tomatoes from our garden, and grapes....a much better choice than mine!). Then he gave Tessa her bath and tucked her in, and here I am on the computer for a moment before going to bed.
All that rambling, with nothing real to report.
The biggest thing on my mind right now is my chemo brain. Really, I feel impaired. YUCK. I mix up my words and I'm forgetful and full of faux pas. I will recover but it's very unsettling.
In my thoughts today are my many pregnant friends. Natasha, Krystal, Shannon, and Lynn are all due this month, with Lynn due any second and Natasha next in line. Heather has been struggling with morning sickness, as has Susie, and I hope that their struggles are at the end and so they can move into the fun second trimester with no problems. Lucky Linda appears to be doing well in her pregnancy - you go girl! It's not comfortable to be in the heat (the last two days have been a bit cooler, which is actually a nice reprieve) and I remember how desperate I was to meet my baby in the last few days of the pregnancy...anyway, ladies, I wish you and your families all the best. In the sea of chaos and hospitals that is my life, the blessings that these little ones bring seem doublefold. I am very much looking forward to holding these new lives in my arms, and crying tears of joy over their perfection and beauty.
With love to all,
Kristina
It's not genetic!
I just got off the line with genetic counselor. GREAT news - I am BRCA1 and BRCA2 negative. There have been no genetic components found in my disease so far!!
I will need to follow up with the genetic counselors every 1-5 years to see what advances have been made in the field; it's likely that there are other genes associated with breast cancer that simply haven't been discovered yet. I will get testing every time a new gene mutation is discovered and will hope that the results are just as good as this time.
This is amazing, wonderful news. When I see each of you that are impacted by this, I will give you a giant, loving hug of gratitude that you are in my life and that I will not have to see you go through this. (If you do go through this, I will also be at your side, helping in every way possible!)
With love and relief,
Kristina
I will need to follow up with the genetic counselors every 1-5 years to see what advances have been made in the field; it's likely that there are other genes associated with breast cancer that simply haven't been discovered yet. I will get testing every time a new gene mutation is discovered and will hope that the results are just as good as this time.
This is amazing, wonderful news. When I see each of you that are impacted by this, I will give you a giant, loving hug of gratitude that you are in my life and that I will not have to see you go through this. (If you do go through this, I will also be at your side, helping in every way possible!)
With love and relief,
Kristina
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Two down, fourteen to go!
Today was my second chemo. It went exactly the same as the first chemo - I still have a headache, but I am otherwise well. I can live with this. I will buy stock in Motrin, if necessary, and that's okay.
This is a brief post because I am quite tired, not unexpectedly, and my poor parents have come down with a bug so Tessa will not be going there tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll be a full time mommy, so I had better save my energy tonight!
In short, I'm doing very well. Tessa & Caley came to watch and to show Tessa how chemo worked, and Tessa was a doll, very polite and restrained. She got a lot of smiles today, and she made her mama very, very proud. She's not always an angel, I know, and I love my wild-child too, but today she was purely angelic and I just adored it. All of the nurses came up to me and said, "Was that your little girl? She's just so beautiful and sweet!" and really made my day.
I know, you guys don't want to read that, you want the chemo details, but I had to insert that moment here. Remind me as well, in case I forget (since I pretty much forget everything these days....neighbors, if you ever see me naked in the streets please direct me back to my house to get dressed!!!) that some day soon I want to write about the four generation tea party that took place last weekend with Tessa...it was another mommy moment and worth recording. But now I will return to chemo-talk...
My blood counts were excellent, well within normal ranges and even on the high end (hurrah!). I asked the nurse several questions, one of which was "What activities should I be avoiding?" and received the answer that the only thing I needed to avoid was sick people. Fortunately or not (depending on the item!), swimming, cleaning, taking Tessa to the doctor should she need it, and everything else is a-okay.
This is a reminder, because I might not think to say it otherwise: If you have the slightest inkling of a cold or something, or your child does, then unfortunately Tessa and I both need to avoid you. If Tessa gets sick, I am not allowed to care for her (this makes me sick just thinking about it), and of course I am at greater risk of getting sick while I'm on chemo, and being sick will delay treatment and my lowered immune system may not be able to fight back on even simple illnesses right now. This avoidance is easy right now while most people are healthy in the summer sun, but in the fall everybody tends to get a runny nose and I will need to be very cautious. Anyway, thanks for helping me out with that one - I wouldn't have thought of it had the nurse not mentioned it.
Anyway, then I did chemo, and had some really nice alone time. Nice chemo? Yup! I am not good at sitting still, and I'm rarely alone, and I'm certainly rarely alone AND sitting still, but chemo allowed for both. I read great sections of my book ("Blindness" - very dark, not enjoying it, but determined to finish it!), and I really LISTENED to the music on the I-Pod Shuffle, absorbing the lyrics and really hearing the instruments and the moods they created. It was lovely - isn't that funny?
Towards the end of my treatment, I met a new friend in person - Prema. Prema & I have chatted online through a breast cancer survivor group, and I found out that she does chemo at the same hospital on the same day. Prema came early so that she could see me (last time she came immediately afterwards and then sat in "my" chair - we just missed each other!), and I had a lovely talk with her and her mom, as well as with Michele (who came to pick me up, along with adorable baby Elliott). Add Prema to the list of wonderful people that I've met through breast cancer. :-)
And then I picked up meds and Michele drove me home. Another side note here: A woman about my age was behind me in line to get her post-meds, too, and I saw on her face that she really wasn't feeling well. (I'd seen her a few chairs down from me getting chemo, but we hadn't spoken.) I insisted that she step in line ahead of me to get her meds (her husband kept mouthing "thank you" to me behind her back), and though she was reluctant at first she did accept my offer. I felt I owed it to her - there is no reason that she is feeling so terrible and I am feeling so (relatively) good, and she deserved (and perhaps needed) a break. This unknown woman is included in my thoughts and prayers today.
Isn't that amazing - that's it! Tessa and I went for a walk after we sent Caley home, and met a new neighbor, Debbie, and her live-in granddaughter, Alliyah (sp? pronounced Uh-LE-ah). Alliyah is 3, and Tessa fell in love right away, and the two girls settled down to the business of playing in Alliyah's yard for a few minutes while Debbie and I chatted like they'd known each other for years. Future playdates are being arranged!
Debbie and I talked while the girls played, and I shared my news (which is written all over my bald head, which is clearly bald even under my bandana) of breast cancer. She cried when I told her, and quickly apologized for doing so (an unnecessary apology, I should add). She told me, "I'm sorry, I just feel for you so much, because I understand a thing or two about loss these days. A month ago, my 27 year old son died." Please spare a thought or prayer for Debbie tonight as you think of me, because I'm having a bad dream with this whole breast cancer business, but for Debbie, the worst nightmare has occurred. Of the two of us, I consider myself the lucky one. I am grateful for the reminders of my good fortune, even as I ache for Debbie.
Special thanks to Michele today - not only did she act as a personal chauffeur, but she also made us a great dinner. Michele, I adore you. :-)
Speaking of thank yous.....I didn't write a single one. Please do not check your mailbox this week hoping to see a much overdue note from me...I'm impossibly behind and I may never catch up. My gratitude is real, but my manners are atrocious...thank you for understanding! We have received so mcuh love and support,a nd every single gesture is appreciated more than I can say. We know how blessed we are; thank you SO much.
That's all for now, though, as usual, there is so much more I could say. My love to all of you - thank you SO much for your love and prayers. I'm certain that they're working, because I feel so wonderful, both in body and spirit.
With love,
Kristina
PS Chemo brain strikes every time I open my mouth. It's scary...I can barely construct a sentence and my thinking isn't as clear as it once was. Sigh. Prepare to be amused by me, though, as Caley is quite entertained by my "silliness." Well, if I can provide laughter, then I will......!
This is a brief post because I am quite tired, not unexpectedly, and my poor parents have come down with a bug so Tessa will not be going there tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll be a full time mommy, so I had better save my energy tonight!
In short, I'm doing very well. Tessa & Caley came to watch and to show Tessa how chemo worked, and Tessa was a doll, very polite and restrained. She got a lot of smiles today, and she made her mama very, very proud. She's not always an angel, I know, and I love my wild-child too, but today she was purely angelic and I just adored it. All of the nurses came up to me and said, "Was that your little girl? She's just so beautiful and sweet!" and really made my day.
I know, you guys don't want to read that, you want the chemo details, but I had to insert that moment here. Remind me as well, in case I forget (since I pretty much forget everything these days....neighbors, if you ever see me naked in the streets please direct me back to my house to get dressed!!!) that some day soon I want to write about the four generation tea party that took place last weekend with Tessa...it was another mommy moment and worth recording. But now I will return to chemo-talk...
My blood counts were excellent, well within normal ranges and even on the high end (hurrah!). I asked the nurse several questions, one of which was "What activities should I be avoiding?" and received the answer that the only thing I needed to avoid was sick people. Fortunately or not (depending on the item!), swimming, cleaning, taking Tessa to the doctor should she need it, and everything else is a-okay.
This is a reminder, because I might not think to say it otherwise: If you have the slightest inkling of a cold or something, or your child does, then unfortunately Tessa and I both need to avoid you. If Tessa gets sick, I am not allowed to care for her (this makes me sick just thinking about it), and of course I am at greater risk of getting sick while I'm on chemo, and being sick will delay treatment and my lowered immune system may not be able to fight back on even simple illnesses right now. This avoidance is easy right now while most people are healthy in the summer sun, but in the fall everybody tends to get a runny nose and I will need to be very cautious. Anyway, thanks for helping me out with that one - I wouldn't have thought of it had the nurse not mentioned it.
Anyway, then I did chemo, and had some really nice alone time. Nice chemo? Yup! I am not good at sitting still, and I'm rarely alone, and I'm certainly rarely alone AND sitting still, but chemo allowed for both. I read great sections of my book ("Blindness" - very dark, not enjoying it, but determined to finish it!), and I really LISTENED to the music on the I-Pod Shuffle, absorbing the lyrics and really hearing the instruments and the moods they created. It was lovely - isn't that funny?
Towards the end of my treatment, I met a new friend in person - Prema. Prema & I have chatted online through a breast cancer survivor group, and I found out that she does chemo at the same hospital on the same day. Prema came early so that she could see me (last time she came immediately afterwards and then sat in "my" chair - we just missed each other!), and I had a lovely talk with her and her mom, as well as with Michele (who came to pick me up, along with adorable baby Elliott). Add Prema to the list of wonderful people that I've met through breast cancer. :-)
And then I picked up meds and Michele drove me home. Another side note here: A woman about my age was behind me in line to get her post-meds, too, and I saw on her face that she really wasn't feeling well. (I'd seen her a few chairs down from me getting chemo, but we hadn't spoken.) I insisted that she step in line ahead of me to get her meds (her husband kept mouthing "thank you" to me behind her back), and though she was reluctant at first she did accept my offer. I felt I owed it to her - there is no reason that she is feeling so terrible and I am feeling so (relatively) good, and she deserved (and perhaps needed) a break. This unknown woman is included in my thoughts and prayers today.
Isn't that amazing - that's it! Tessa and I went for a walk after we sent Caley home, and met a new neighbor, Debbie, and her live-in granddaughter, Alliyah (sp? pronounced Uh-LE-ah). Alliyah is 3, and Tessa fell in love right away, and the two girls settled down to the business of playing in Alliyah's yard for a few minutes while Debbie and I chatted like they'd known each other for years. Future playdates are being arranged!
Debbie and I talked while the girls played, and I shared my news (which is written all over my bald head, which is clearly bald even under my bandana) of breast cancer. She cried when I told her, and quickly apologized for doing so (an unnecessary apology, I should add). She told me, "I'm sorry, I just feel for you so much, because I understand a thing or two about loss these days. A month ago, my 27 year old son died." Please spare a thought or prayer for Debbie tonight as you think of me, because I'm having a bad dream with this whole breast cancer business, but for Debbie, the worst nightmare has occurred. Of the two of us, I consider myself the lucky one. I am grateful for the reminders of my good fortune, even as I ache for Debbie.
Special thanks to Michele today - not only did she act as a personal chauffeur, but she also made us a great dinner. Michele, I adore you. :-)
Speaking of thank yous.....I didn't write a single one. Please do not check your mailbox this week hoping to see a much overdue note from me...I'm impossibly behind and I may never catch up. My gratitude is real, but my manners are atrocious...thank you for understanding! We have received so mcuh love and support,a nd every single gesture is appreciated more than I can say. We know how blessed we are; thank you SO much.
That's all for now, though, as usual, there is so much more I could say. My love to all of you - thank you SO much for your love and prayers. I'm certain that they're working, because I feel so wonderful, both in body and spirit.
With love,
Kristina
PS Chemo brain strikes every time I open my mouth. It's scary...I can barely construct a sentence and my thinking isn't as clear as it once was. Sigh. Prepare to be amused by me, though, as Caley is quite entertained by my "silliness." Well, if I can provide laughter, then I will......!
My family: Read This First!
Today when I got home from chemo (more on that in a post soon to follow), I found a note with a name and number beside the telephone. I asked Caley what it was about, and she said, "I'm not sure, but maybe it's about your bloodwork today. The lady said that it looked good and she had really good news for you." What Caley didn't know is that the name was that of my genetic counselor, calling with my genetic testing results.... She couldn't leave a message with the test results, but it appears that she's left some very good hints.
The news is not final yet because they were closed when I called so I have to wait until tomorrow, but it seems to me that "really good news" could only mean one thing...that this cancer is not genetic. That would mean that my cancer does NOT indicate high risk in the rest of my family, and that my beloved family members could take a deep breath and move on, knowing that their risks were no higher than anyone else's. Breast cancer can impact men, too (as demonstrated by my grandfather), and the BRCA2 gene is tied not only to breast but also ovarian, colon, and pancreatic cancers, so men are at high risk as well.
In short, I'm hoping and praying that this is not genetic. The idea that cancer could start rolling through my family is HORRIFIC, and I don't want to watch people I love go through this. Tomorrow I will know for certain, but I am cautiously optimistic that it is not genetic, and that is cause for celebration.
When Caley told me about the message, I started crying. Pure joy was contained in every teardrop. I looked across the room at my beautiful daughter, and thought that maybe she has been spared. I hugged my gorgeous cousin, and thought that maybe now she will not have to worry. Joyful tears are a beautiful thing, and I'd be happy to cry like THAT every day.
With much love,
Kristina
The news is not final yet because they were closed when I called so I have to wait until tomorrow, but it seems to me that "really good news" could only mean one thing...that this cancer is not genetic. That would mean that my cancer does NOT indicate high risk in the rest of my family, and that my beloved family members could take a deep breath and move on, knowing that their risks were no higher than anyone else's. Breast cancer can impact men, too (as demonstrated by my grandfather), and the BRCA2 gene is tied not only to breast but also ovarian, colon, and pancreatic cancers, so men are at high risk as well.
In short, I'm hoping and praying that this is not genetic. The idea that cancer could start rolling through my family is HORRIFIC, and I don't want to watch people I love go through this. Tomorrow I will know for certain, but I am cautiously optimistic that it is not genetic, and that is cause for celebration.
When Caley told me about the message, I started crying. Pure joy was contained in every teardrop. I looked across the room at my beautiful daughter, and thought that maybe she has been spared. I hugged my gorgeous cousin, and thought that maybe now she will not have to worry. Joyful tears are a beautiful thing, and I'd be happy to cry like THAT every day.
With much love,
Kristina
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Family visits
Today, before Joann & Rob came, I had a surprise visit from Barb and her boys. How delightful - it's a treat to see all of them. Then, my mom, Krystal, and Caleb came, and shortly thereafter Rob & Joann came. It was a day filled with family - with the addition of Caley and Tessa, it was a full house, full of laughter and talking, and I enjoyed it immensely.
I have pushed myself pretty hard over the past couple of days, living like a person who does not have breast cancer and isn't in chemo. I'm pretty tired now, but in a normal way - the tiredness that comes from having an active, busy life. Tomorrow, I will receive my second chemo infusion, and I will enter the land of bone-weary-fatigue again. It's a little bit harder this time knowing that I must expect that, but it's also a little easier because I'm not expecting nausea any more.
Tomorrow I plan to do chemo as a solitary thing. Caley & Tessa will drop me off, and then Michele is picking me up. (I also hope to meet a new friend, Prema, who is getting chemo around the same time I am, but she'll only be there at the end of my chemo.) Anyway, as much as I will enjoy having visitors at chemo sometimes, tomorrow will be a day to read, write thank you notes (I owe the universe thank you notes...I think maybe 1000 thank you notes might catch me up), listen to music on Ryan's I-Pod Shuffle, and just kick back. Chemo as a vacation...what a crazy thought! Anyway, I'm so rarely solitary that I'm sort of looking forward to it. Next time I'll invite visitors for chemo, but this time I'm grabbing my book bag and hunkering down. :-)
Tomorrow, if I can get there on time, I also plan to pick up my wig (the longer one). Hurrah! Can't wait for that - I want to see it on me to see if I remember it properly.
And now it is late, and I must sleep. Good night, all. Sleep well!
Love,
Kristina
I have pushed myself pretty hard over the past couple of days, living like a person who does not have breast cancer and isn't in chemo. I'm pretty tired now, but in a normal way - the tiredness that comes from having an active, busy life. Tomorrow, I will receive my second chemo infusion, and I will enter the land of bone-weary-fatigue again. It's a little bit harder this time knowing that I must expect that, but it's also a little easier because I'm not expecting nausea any more.
Tomorrow I plan to do chemo as a solitary thing. Caley & Tessa will drop me off, and then Michele is picking me up. (I also hope to meet a new friend, Prema, who is getting chemo around the same time I am, but she'll only be there at the end of my chemo.) Anyway, as much as I will enjoy having visitors at chemo sometimes, tomorrow will be a day to read, write thank you notes (I owe the universe thank you notes...I think maybe 1000 thank you notes might catch me up), listen to music on Ryan's I-Pod Shuffle, and just kick back. Chemo as a vacation...what a crazy thought! Anyway, I'm so rarely solitary that I'm sort of looking forward to it. Next time I'll invite visitors for chemo, but this time I'm grabbing my book bag and hunkering down. :-)
Tomorrow, if I can get there on time, I also plan to pick up my wig (the longer one). Hurrah! Can't wait for that - I want to see it on me to see if I remember it properly.
And now it is late, and I must sleep. Good night, all. Sleep well!
Love,
Kristina
Absent mindedness... to the power of 10
I have become so absent minded that it's almost scary. I forget what I'm talking about in mid-sentence, and I start tasks, wander away, and then stumble upon them later thinking "Why didn't I finish this?" I'm not sure if this is just from the overwhelming things I am thinking about these days, or if this is "chemo brain" (a real condition...expect me to lose some IQ points in this process, but to get them back post-chemo).
For example, yesterday I decided to run a load of delicates (laundry). I put the Woolite in, turned on the machine....and walked away. The machine ran, sans clothes. I came back to take the clothes out and hang them to dry, and the machine was full of soapy water with nothing in it. Doh! I'm able to laugh about it, but at the same time it IS disconcerting. Is there any part of me that cancer's not trying to control?!
This morning promises to be wonderful. At 9:30 or 10, Krystal, Caleb, and my mom (aka Grammy) are coming to visit, and at 11 or so, my cousins from Vancouver, BC, Joann and Rob, are coming. It is a real treat to see Jo and Rob, and I am touched that they are taking time out of their busy lives to drive for hours and hours just to have lunch with me. Have I mentioned lately how great my family is? Well, this definitely includes extended family. I love 'em!
I'm preparing a very simple lunch for the crew. Caesar salad, insalata caprese (with a few tomatoes from my garden in the mix - yummm!), fresh fruit, fresh bread, cheese, and smoked salmon. We'll sit in the back, in the shade of the tree, and we'll be able to chat the day away. It sounds lovely to me.
...But before they come, I have things to do. Must run!
Love to all,
Kristina
For example, yesterday I decided to run a load of delicates (laundry). I put the Woolite in, turned on the machine....and walked away. The machine ran, sans clothes. I came back to take the clothes out and hang them to dry, and the machine was full of soapy water with nothing in it. Doh! I'm able to laugh about it, but at the same time it IS disconcerting. Is there any part of me that cancer's not trying to control?!
This morning promises to be wonderful. At 9:30 or 10, Krystal, Caleb, and my mom (aka Grammy) are coming to visit, and at 11 or so, my cousins from Vancouver, BC, Joann and Rob, are coming. It is a real treat to see Jo and Rob, and I am touched that they are taking time out of their busy lives to drive for hours and hours just to have lunch with me. Have I mentioned lately how great my family is? Well, this definitely includes extended family. I love 'em!
I'm preparing a very simple lunch for the crew. Caesar salad, insalata caprese (with a few tomatoes from my garden in the mix - yummm!), fresh fruit, fresh bread, cheese, and smoked salmon. We'll sit in the back, in the shade of the tree, and we'll be able to chat the day away. It sounds lovely to me.
...But before they come, I have things to do. Must run!
Love to all,
Kristina
Monday, August 08, 2005
Insurance costs
I just did a quick tally, rounding numbers on statements to the nearest $100, and here's what I came up with.
So far, since my first doctor's appointment on May 26, 2005 to see if I really did have a lump, my breast cancer has generated...
....are you sitting down?
....are you ready for this?
FORTY-THOUSAND DOLLARS worth of bills. Yes, $40,000.00. We are so blessed to have good insurance. The insurance company negotiates a lower rate so they haven't paid out that much, but the $40K amount is how much we would have been billed.
Wow.
Kristina
PS I feel great today. I'm getting all kinds of things done - including filling out insurance paperwork, which prompted this quick tally - and I have lots of energy. I'm going out with Susan L. for her birthday dinner (belated) tonight and I can't wait. :-)
So far, since my first doctor's appointment on May 26, 2005 to see if I really did have a lump, my breast cancer has generated...
....are you sitting down?
....are you ready for this?
FORTY-THOUSAND DOLLARS worth of bills. Yes, $40,000.00. We are so blessed to have good insurance. The insurance company negotiates a lower rate so they haven't paid out that much, but the $40K amount is how much we would have been billed.
Wow.
Kristina
PS I feel great today. I'm getting all kinds of things done - including filling out insurance paperwork, which prompted this quick tally - and I have lots of energy. I'm going out with Susan L. for her birthday dinner (belated) tonight and I can't wait. :-)
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Cousins
Here are a couple of favorite photos from today. One is of Tessa and her cousin Caleb blowing bubbles at Gavin's birthday party, and the other is of Tessa, Caleb & cousin Gavin together. Thank you to the Ochoa's for throwing Gavin's birthday party and inviting us, and Happy 3rd Birthday, Gavin! We love you. :-) The next birthday will be Joshua's (due August 25) and there will be a new cousin to love. We are blessed, and I am so grateful that Tessa is growing up surrounded by cousins to play with and share life's adventures. Today was a lovely day spent with family, again in the sunshine, and many reasons to feel joy. Hallelujah!
With love,
Kristina
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