Everyone has their limits, and I'm discovering more and more of mine.
Today I realized that I'm not up for the trip to Portland to visit friends and family tomorrow. This realization made me cry, because I do not like this version of myself, because I will miss seeing people, because I'm mad at myself that I can't just pull it together, because I'm tired of being so tired. Mostly, it's that last one. I can hardly believe that a simple car trip to Portland - one that involves packing a bag, and not much more - can be overwhelming to me right now, but there it is. I have reached an ever deeper level of fatigue, and I just can't push on through.
Ryan and Tessa will go to Portland without me (with my blessing), and I will miss them and wonder what I'm missing out on. I'll stay behind to rest and relax, and to recoup some energy. By the time they return, I'm sure that I will have missed them so much that I'll appreciate them more than ever.
Less than a month of torture to go. Less than a month until I'm done with receiving chemo. I just need to make it to the 14th.... and I know that I will, but it seems so terribly far away.
I may actually do a "real" update over the next couple of days while I'm here by myself...but no promises.
Love,
Kristina
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Checking in
Well, the final stretch promises to be the hardest. Chemo was Wednesday, and I haven't felt good since then....ACK! It's very frustrating to wake up each morning feeling just as gross as the day before. Less than a month left.... I'm hoping that my Christmas present is that I feel somewhat normal and that I have a bit more energy.
Ryan has been very helpful, and Tessa is in high spirits, so that helps. I love my family.
Tomorrow we will leave for Portland to visit with Ryan's parents - Ryan's dad had a procedure done last week and we want to go to visit and support them and show them that we care. (There was no possibility of our traveling for Thanksgiving because of the Wednesday chemo appointment, so we're going early, and heading home Tuesday.) I'm hoping that, because it's the second half of my cycle, I'll be feeling a bit stronger for the trip. We are looking forward to seeing family and our Portland friends, Scott, Karen, and Fiona. (Tessa is particularly excited to play with Fiona.)
Today we're laying low, and our "big" activity is a trip to story time at Barnes & Noble for Tessa...a quiet day.
Yesterday evening we got the news that Linda and Gary had their baby! Rex was born a couple of weeks early, much to his mother's delight, and the family is happy and healthy. Hurrah for new life, and for the delight of a baby to be excited about. It's much better to think about the littlest member of my community than to think about stupid old cancer. Congrats, Linda & Gary! We can't wait to see the little guy in person.
Love,
Kristina
Ryan has been very helpful, and Tessa is in high spirits, so that helps. I love my family.
Tomorrow we will leave for Portland to visit with Ryan's parents - Ryan's dad had a procedure done last week and we want to go to visit and support them and show them that we care. (There was no possibility of our traveling for Thanksgiving because of the Wednesday chemo appointment, so we're going early, and heading home Tuesday.) I'm hoping that, because it's the second half of my cycle, I'll be feeling a bit stronger for the trip. We are looking forward to seeing family and our Portland friends, Scott, Karen, and Fiona. (Tessa is particularly excited to play with Fiona.)
Today we're laying low, and our "big" activity is a trip to story time at Barnes & Noble for Tessa...a quiet day.
Yesterday evening we got the news that Linda and Gary had their baby! Rex was born a couple of weeks early, much to his mother's delight, and the family is happy and healthy. Hurrah for new life, and for the delight of a baby to be excited about. It's much better to think about the littlest member of my community than to think about stupid old cancer. Congrats, Linda & Gary! We can't wait to see the little guy in person.
Love,
Kristina
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Quick Thursday update
I am well, but I am tired. T-I-R-E-D. Oh well, at least the countdown is on... I have less than one month until my last chemo appointment.
Today I saw a physical therapist to learn manual lymphatic drainage to control my lymphedema. It was actually very relaxing, and a positive experience. I will go back a couple more times to work on exercises to get back my full range of motion, and I will also be fitted for a lymphedema sleeve to wear when I travel on airplanes (I won't have to wear it otherwise, but I'd like to have it).
My therapist was wonderful...and she might join our 3-Day Walk team! She has done the walk before, but did it alone, and is interested in having a team to walk with. You never know where you will find support...
I went to preschool with Tessa today for the first time in a long time, and enjoyed the experience, though it wore me out.
I know my language is choppy here, but I really am tired. Just checking in. Have a great night, everyone.
Love,
K
Today I saw a physical therapist to learn manual lymphatic drainage to control my lymphedema. It was actually very relaxing, and a positive experience. I will go back a couple more times to work on exercises to get back my full range of motion, and I will also be fitted for a lymphedema sleeve to wear when I travel on airplanes (I won't have to wear it otherwise, but I'd like to have it).
My therapist was wonderful...and she might join our 3-Day Walk team! She has done the walk before, but did it alone, and is interested in having a team to walk with. You never know where you will find support...
I went to preschool with Tessa today for the first time in a long time, and enjoyed the experience, though it wore me out.
I know my language is choppy here, but I really am tired. Just checking in. Have a great night, everyone.
Love,
K
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
12 down, 4 to go!
Today I completed chemo number twelve. Check another one off the list - wahoooo!
I spoke with Dr. Rinn about upcoming treatment. We have agreed that I will get a Lupron shot with my last chemo treatment (December 14, and yes I AM counting). Lupron is a drug that will shut down my ovaries and keep me in menopause; this is important because I am ER+ 90% and PR+ 70%. These numbers are very high, even for hormone receptive positive cancers, and it's very important that we prevent my body from creating any more hormones to feed the cancer. Some recent studies imply that keeping hormones out of my body (through ovarian suppression drugs like Lupron or through oopharectomy or hysterectomy, plus hormone inhibiting drugs like tamoxifin or aromatase inhibitors) will be even more important to my long term health than even the chemotherapy. After radiation, I will start an aromatase inhibitor - shown to be much more effective than tamoxifin in my type of cancer - and my doctor has chosen Femara. (More on that later, but I'm pleased with what the research says about it, and feel very comfortable with this decision.)
We also discussed my chemo brain. Folks, I have all new pity and sympathy...no, make that empathy for stupid people. My brain is in a fog and just doesn't do what I tell it to these days, and it's very frustrating. I have a difficult time concentrating, trouble formulating complex ideas or thoughts, etc. This is a known side effect of the drugs I'm taking (and has more to do with the steroid, Decadron, even than it does with the chemo, although "chemobrain" is a very real phenomenon) and unfortunately, it's just something I need to ride out. It will get better, but I appreciate your patience with me.
Ryan is being incredibly supportive of me, and for this I'm grateful. Things are much better in our house these days, and I'm incredibly appreciative.
I'm too tired to say another word. More later!
Love,
Kristina
I spoke with Dr. Rinn about upcoming treatment. We have agreed that I will get a Lupron shot with my last chemo treatment (December 14, and yes I AM counting). Lupron is a drug that will shut down my ovaries and keep me in menopause; this is important because I am ER+ 90% and PR+ 70%. These numbers are very high, even for hormone receptive positive cancers, and it's very important that we prevent my body from creating any more hormones to feed the cancer. Some recent studies imply that keeping hormones out of my body (through ovarian suppression drugs like Lupron or through oopharectomy or hysterectomy, plus hormone inhibiting drugs like tamoxifin or aromatase inhibitors) will be even more important to my long term health than even the chemotherapy. After radiation, I will start an aromatase inhibitor - shown to be much more effective than tamoxifin in my type of cancer - and my doctor has chosen Femara. (More on that later, but I'm pleased with what the research says about it, and feel very comfortable with this decision.)
We also discussed my chemo brain. Folks, I have all new pity and sympathy...no, make that empathy for stupid people. My brain is in a fog and just doesn't do what I tell it to these days, and it's very frustrating. I have a difficult time concentrating, trouble formulating complex ideas or thoughts, etc. This is a known side effect of the drugs I'm taking (and has more to do with the steroid, Decadron, even than it does with the chemo, although "chemobrain" is a very real phenomenon) and unfortunately, it's just something I need to ride out. It will get better, but I appreciate your patience with me.
Ryan is being incredibly supportive of me, and for this I'm grateful. Things are much better in our house these days, and I'm incredibly appreciative.
I'm too tired to say another word. More later!
Love,
Kristina
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