Catching up

I plan to keep adding photos here and there...so, here are a couple of our wild-child-angel Tessa.





Hello, all. Not much to report - just really glad that it's a long weekend, and that Ryan can set aside work for some fun times with us. He has been working some crazy hours and we're all glad that he can rest for a few days.

This morning, I went to Nordstrom again and was fitted for breast prostheses (I got two - a normal one and a swim one) and new bras. I usually shop the discount stores, and I must say it was a real treat to be able to choose any bra in the store and not worry about prices (insurance will cover these)...and as a result, I was able to buy beautiful bras that are each worth more than I usually spend on an entire outfit. I thought about getting the accompanying panties, but at $35 each I decided that I could skip that. Anyway, the whole experience was amazingly pleasant.... you'd think that it would be miserable (hey I liked having two breasts even if it meant that insurance wouldn't buy my bras!) but the consultant helping me, Emily, was an angel, and made the whole thing almost...umm...fun!

I also got a swimsuit. I expected that to be the worst part (not my favorite shopping activity even when I was "whole") but I found a suit that I really like that they could modify for me, and I really like it. You will see me on the beach this summer! I also plan to do some lap swimming when I'm sufficiently recovered from surgery number two, as that should help me with my range of motion issues. (I'm doing great, but still don't have the range I did before, and the second surgery will be more debilitating in that way than the first one was).

This afternoon Ryan and I will try to get a few chores done, relax together a little, and then we're having friends' nights. For me, Susan, Libby, and Michele are coming over for girls' night in with potluck dinner and a DVD; for Ryan, it's off for a bike ride and dinner with Paul. Our friends arranged this "behind our backs" and only asked for input on the time and date to accomodate our schedule. Yes, we know how lucky we are. It's incredible, our good fortune. Yes, even with breast cancer. (We were more lucky before breast cancer, but still, we're among the most lucky people we know.)

I found a new website for young survivors, and I've been hanging out in their discussion area a lot. I can't tell you how helpful it is to see pictures of vibrant young women who are off doing cool jobs, taking incredible vacations, celebrating life with their friends, having romantic times with their husbands or partners, and being incredible moms to their children. These are not sad, gray women; these are vibrant women leading their lives who, by the way, happen to have breast cancer. Sign me up for that attitude - I love it!

Today at the grocery store I saw a woman in an unseasonably warm hat, and when I looked at her I realized that she is hiding the fact that she has no hair. I wanted to approach her, to say "I don't look like it yet but I'm right there beside you," but I didn't. She looked sad and scared and I wanted to hug her, but I didn't. Just because I'm an extrovert doesn't mean that the rest of the world wants my extroverted self in their faces, and I know that, so I withheld. I don't know if I would have noticed her a month ago, six weeks ago, but today her face was burned into my memory. "Live, live, live!" I wanted to whisper. "You can do it!" I need everyone around me to survive, so that I know that I will, too.

Tomorrow, we are blissfully plan-free and hope that the weather will allow us some beach time or other outdoor time with Tessa (though Ryan and Tessa took advantage of the gray day, put Tessa in her pink rubber boots, and went puddle stomping at Alki this morning, really I prefer sunshine if possible!). The next day, we'll celebrate the Fourth with Michele, Dave, and Dave's family, and we're looking forward to all of it. The beginning of a long weekend is a blissful place to be!

Sending you my love - remember to drive safely this holiday weekend. See you soon!
Kristina

Wow

I recently joined a website call YSC - Young Survivors Coalition - for breast cancer survivors under 40 years of age. It's incredible....so many women out there living their lives in the fullest sense. Some are better off than me (in terms of diagnosis), some worse. All are beautiful.

One woman shared her blog with me, and I found this on her blog. It's her head shaving party. I think that my party will occur mid-August, not sure yet, it's all about when chemo starts. Look how beautiful she (Kristi) is - look how strong. I have a lot to learn.

http://pinkprozac.typepad.com/photos/earle_kristis_head_shavin/index.html

A link about heredity and breast cancer

http://www.youngsurvival.org/pdfs/FAQ_hereditary_breast_cancer.pdf

My family members might appreciate reading this....male or female.
K

Things to look forward to

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/nationworld/2002352784_longmarriage30.html

I found this article very inspiring, and so I wanted to share. Now, I doubt that Ryan and I will make 82 years of marriage (given that when we married, I was nearly 30 and he was 35) but I will take every minute that I can.

I also wanted to start adding some more pictures. Here is one of the Squirmakins herself (she was very opposed to having her photo taken, and it shows!) with five of her six grandparents. Tessa is blessed to have two grandmas (Grandma and Grammy), two grandpas (Grandpa and Boppa), and two great grandmothers (Grandma Tess and G.G.; G.G. is in the photo but Grandma Tess is not). Despite all of Tessa's squirminess and her undignified posture in the photo, one day I believe she'll treasure it.


And I haven't posted a picture yet of my handsome husband. Here's one of Ryan and Tessa that I love - it was taken at Lowman Park, right beside Lincoln Park, within walking distance to our home.


I changed back to my original template based on feedback. Thanks for the input - that's what I asked for, and I'm glad you were honest! :-)


K

Learning how to post pictures

Okay so I'm just messing around, but I found out how to post pictures to my blog. Here's a picture of Susan, myself, and Carolyn, taken the day before my surgery. I adore this photo! And here is another picture, of all of the beautifully pedicured feet after my spa day....

new format - feedback?

I think that the color combos on my old template were a bit rough on the eyes, so I switched. Is this one better or worse? I'm using templates so it's easy to pick a new one.

A sunny day

Today was another calm day - it's nice to get a stretch of these in a row, as they will fortify me for the craziness that is sure to follow. This morning after hanging out for a while Tessa & I met Michele & Elliott at "Coffee to a Tea With Sugar" (a great coffee shop locally that has a kids' area with toys and small furniture) to chat and hang out. Caley came to help out with lunch and pre-nap stuff, and then I left them to go have lunch with Gretchen. I actually got home before Tessa woke up, but I was pretty tired, so I ended up having some down time while Tessa - under Caley's watchful eyes - played in the wading pool in the back yard, enjoying the sunshine. Then we enjoyed a wonderful seafood dish compliments of Alice & Eric (thank you!) and went outside to play sidewalk chalk. Our neighbors Christy, Bill, and Noah were out and we ended up having long chats with them and the kids played with the chalk, picked flowers (Tessa's favorite activity) and ran around like happy little hooligans. Then we fed the Rikhof's cats (Tessa helped and thought it was great fun), came home, read six stories instead of the usual three, and Tessa seems to be going down easily. The only thing missing from this wonderful day is Ryan - he's going to be at work really late tonight, catching up and writing his review. Ryan, we (TK & I) missed you, and we're grateful to you for being such a wonderful provider for us, even when you'd rather be playing! Thank you.

The highlight of the day (though today there were many) was meeting Gretchen. We had a leisurely two hour lunch and shared more of our stories, talked about the important people in our lives, discussed cancer's impact on our selves, and more. I felt like I could be very candid with Gretchen, and that was hugely helpful to me. She and I are at very different places in our lives (her children are grown) but that wasn't the point at all, and didn't matter in the slightest. I'm hopeful that she and I will meet again, and I am grateful that she is adding to my journey. The cancer road is long and tortuous, but there are some beautiful sights along the way, and Gretchen is one of them.

Gretchen actually convinced me that the waiter at our resturant was flirting with me. Just so there are no mistakes, know that my wedding ring was in clear view and that I'm not interested in encouraging flirtation, :-), but also know that it was incredibly flattering and gave me a good giggle afterwards. It's been so long since I've been flirted with it actually made me laugh - yikes I must be getting old (or maybe it's just that the only men I ever meet - dads at the playground - know better!) but it was flattering and amusing. It was even MORE amusing when, upon looking at myself in the ladies' room mirror prior to leaving the resturant, I realized that my fake breast (prosthesis) was riding high and definitely not in line with its (real) partner. Now there's something I need to look out for in the future...but lopsided boobs or no, Gretchen and I were laughing about the whole thing in the way that girlfriends do, and it was very comfortable and nice.

Today my OB/GYN, Dr. Peggy Hutchison, called me. She had been forwarded my files, and, sweet woman that she is, she called me personally to talk and offer kind words of encouragement. We will be scheduling my oopharectomy (that might be the wrong spelling/word ... removal of the ovaries is what I mean) for immediately post chemo (or radiation, if I have that). Dr. H will be performing that procedure, which is actually kind of nice, in a strange way. I've never met her in anything but the most wonderful of experiences - pregnancy and birth - and I'm glad to have her at my side in this more painful trial, as she was such a source of strength to me before.

Tomorrow my mom has Tessa, and I will be going to a quick check up with the nurse, Teresa, at the surgeon's office, just to make sure my drain wound etc. is healing okay. Then, I'm off to Swedish First Hill for a MUGA - that's a heart test. The drugs I'll be getting for chemo are rough on the heart, so they're taking a baseline so that when they test me down the road they'll be able to assess the damage. My understanding at this time is that the heart damage done by the drugs is something that is gradual and can be monitored, and it isn't permanent, but of course they'll monitor it closely. Funny - there was a time when a 2 hour medical procedure would have felt like a HUGE deal to me, but these days it feels like nothing, almost a day off. Yikes.

I wish all of you sweet dreams. I send my love!
Kristina

People you meet on the cancer highway

Today I went to the Lance Armstrong "LiveStrong" website, and started clicking on "survivor stories." Each story is so poignant, I found myself holding my breath until the end. Whether the stories were barely cobbled together, or whether they were crafted essays, they were all beautiful. At the end of each story, there was always the same line:

"My name is _________________. I have been a ________ cancer survivor for ___ years."

That line takes my breath away. One day, I will be able to write my story. I will be able to say, "My name is Kristina Surface. I have been a breast cancer survivor for __ years." Really, it takes my breath away....my body reacts to the statement by tightening my chest and holding my breath, with pinprick tears springing into my eyes. I want to be one of those survivors that badly.

I have already met a number of amazing survivors. Before my journey began, first there was Josiah. Josiah (our nephew, Ryan's brother Steve's son) was diagnosed with a rare form of non-Hodgkins lymphoma when he wasn't yet 11 years old. It was horrifying to watch his family go through his diagnosis and treatment, but my God are they a strong family and Josiah beat every odd to tell the tale himself now. And then my Aunt Ann (my mom's brother's wife) got breast cancer, and she handled herself with the same perserverance and dignity that I have always associated with her, and now she sends me loving cards full of prayers and hopes for me. And then Josiah's mom, my sister-in-law Kerri, was diagnosed with breast cancer last year. Though Kerri is still on her healing journey, she has taken time to counsel me, to laugh and cry and pray with me. I know some very strong cancer survivors - they have blazed my trail and I hope I can learn from them.

And then there are the survivors that I am just starting to meet, or to learn about.

On the day of my mammogram, after finding the lump, I had to wait for interminable amounts of time in a little waiting room with other women who were also waiting to be called in for their mammograms. One woman looked about my grandmother's age, and she was cracking jokes to the group. There were a couple of us who looked terrified, and she smiled and said, "Oh, I've had the surgery. Really, it's not so bad!" and she really sounded like she meant it. The office was running late and we'd all been waiting a long time, and one woman was considering leaving to go to another appointment for her job. The survivor looked her in the eye and said, "You will sit your bottom right down, right now, and stay until they call you. This exam can save your life and I will not have you walking out on yourself right now." I wanted to cheer - we should all have been consoling her, for she knew the bad news already, but she was taking care of us.

Last week, Ryan and I also had to wait for a long time to see the oncologist. A young couple (mid-twenties) sat down near us, and I couldn't help but notice them. They were dressed sort of Goth, lots of black, tattoos, and body piercings; his T-shirt had some crazy graphics on it that I couldn't read, and he had a big chain on his waist. The woman was more interesting, for her appearance matched his, except she also had a bald head with just a bit of fuzz on it, a black eyepatch, and a walker-style cane to help her walk. Before, I wouldn't have thought negative thoughts about this couple but I wouldn't have paid attention, either, but this time I felt compelled to talk to them. "Hi," I ventured, my housewifeyness wrapped around me like an unfashionable coat and making me feel like quite the outsider to this pair, "I'm about to get the same hairdo that you have. How did it go for you?" At that point, the woman's face lit up and she went on about how it wasn't bad, started telling me the GOOD things about having cancer, and smiling all the while. Her significant other held her hand and smiled proudly and lovingly at her as she talked, and I thought that the two of them looked like angels.

Then, there is Ryan's Great Aunt Grace. Most of the people reading this have probably sat at Aunt Grace's table, for it's been passed down to us and sits in the place of honor in our dining room. That table has been the scene of many happy gatherings and Christmases and impromptu take-out dinners with friends, as well as innumerable glasses of wine, all shared with friends and family...it's where some dozen bouquets of flowers sat after my breast cancer diagnosis (thank you!) and it's where Tessa's birthday cakes sit each year. Well, now it has even more special meaning to me. Something I didn't know about Aunt Grace (I never met her) is that in 1936 she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had a mastectomy and some other treatment, and went on to live to the age of 87 (she passed away when Ryan was about 12). Ryan remembers her as a woman with grace and great humor, as well as for having a very strong sense of self and a strong will. Now, when I pass through my dining room - a million times a day - my hand brushes the table and I feel Aunt Grace's strength passing through to me.

And then there's Gretchen. Gretchen (hi!) is a friend of Alice's who is about six months further down the breast cancer freeway than I am. Gretchen also keeps a blog - a much more sophisticated one than mine, I must admit - and I have read every page, trying to absorb the feelings and the lessons contained in her words. Gretchen and I have started corresponding and we will meet in person for the first time tomorrow, and I can't wait. Gretchen gets it. She gets the anger and the frustration but she still finds time to be eloquent and contemplative about it, and she has reached out to me to answer my questions and to discuss my fears.

I have a feeling that I will meet many, many more people who will touch my life because of cancer, and I feel like I'm learning faster than I've ever learned before. Cancer's a strange beast, and I'd never wish it on anyone (least of all myself), but if I have to have its evils I might as well take its blessings. The cancer highway isn't boring, to say the least, and I hope to take away some good things from the ride.

With love,
Kristina

PS Nothing to report today. :-)

Monday Monday

Hello, everyone. This is another "non" update, in that I don't have too much to report today, but I wanted to leave a note here so that you'll know that I'm alive and well.

Notes on people besides myself: Today, Ryan's mom had her gallbladder removed, and the surgery went well. We're sending you healing thoughts, Mom/Grandma! Love and kisses to you. Today my grandmother also had surgery, for her vision, and it also went well. Sending love and kisses to you as well, Grandma/G.G.! We are grateful that there didn't appear to be any complications for either surgery, and that those we love are well.

This morning, after a few chores were done, our friends Amy (my friend) and India (Tessa's friend) came over to play, and a good time was had by all. Then, Tessa and I took Mo to the vet (picture me with my slightly lame arm, a very active toddler, and a 16 pound cat in a carrier trying to get in and out of the car etc, and get a good laugh!). Mo is doing very well but hadn't been eating - as you can tell by his weight, appetite is something he isn't usually lacking. Anyway, the vet said that we could skip all the pills she'd prescribed as they were designed to reduce swelling and all of his swelling was gone (hooray!), and instead we gave him an appetite stimulant (and laughed about it becuase usually the vet is begging us to help Mo lose weight). Mo has been gobbling up his food happily ever since, and I wonder if we'll even need to give him more appetite stimulants at all. Anyway, he seems well on the road to recovery, and we might even let him outside again tomorrow or the next day (he'll drive us crazy if we don't open his cat door soon!).

After the vet, we hung out for a while and then Caley came - Tessa was delighted to see her after the weekend. I left Tessa in Caley's loving care (and right before Tessa's nap), and wonderful Heather and I took off for some girls' time. We had a decadent lunch at Salty's, and then went downtown for some shopping...it was truly lovely. Yes, I'm tired, but I'm getting used to being tired as a state of being and I wouldn't want to miss out on the fun by staying home all the time! When we got home we sent Caley to the grocery store, and Tessa and I played, and then when Caley came back we lovingly sent her home (she's worked some long hours while I was really recovering, and with another surgery coming up she'll have more long hours, so I'm making sure she has a super easy week now) so Tessa and I went to the library. (I'm told they have a great adult section - I wouldn't know because we spend all our time looking at picture books!)

When we got home we had a great dinner from the Landahls, adn enjoyed some family time (including our evening walk in the sprinkling rain) before Tessa went to bed.

See? All that writing, and not a thing to report. I hope this note finds you well, and that you're enjoying the beginning of summer.

Love,
K

Nothing to report

...but since some of you check on me daily I thought I'd update that I am alive and well. Mo is starting to eat again (phew) although he is a tricky fellow and spits out all of his pills....I think if Ryan didn't love him so much he'd strangle him from the frustration. (Ryan, unfortunately, has been the recipient of most of Mo's pill spitting...he aims right at Ryan's shirt.)

Yesterday we went to Kelton's party, which was really a good time, and we relaxed and enjoyed ourselves at the Hisatomi's lovely home. While we were at the party, the yard crew - this time, Susan, Michele and Lori, all lovely ladies - came and made our yard look better than it has in months. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Last night, Ryan and I went on a great date while Marilyn watched Tessa (thank you!). Today we're laying low - Starbucks for coffee and the paper this morning, and hanging out doing chores until now. Next, I'm going to go to Michele's book exchange and chat with the ladies. Tonight we'll get to enjoy the great dinner that Heather made for us.

Life is good. Love to all.
Kristina