This morning at about 5am, I heard Tessa "sneeze." Well, it wasn't a sneeze - this morning when I went to check on her she had thrown up again, and it was on her sheets and pillow. Ryan cleaned up around her and she is still sleeping now.
I'm so sad about this on any number of levels. Of course, I'm sorry for Tessa, who doesn't deserve to be sick. But this is also the day that my mom was going to take Tessa to give me some time to myself - my last day "off" before I do weekly chemo for 12 weeks. This was also my birthday dinner night (my actual birthday is Friday when we're supposed to go to Orcas) with my parents and some other family - my only actual birthday celebration this year. This was also the day that I was going to shop for my own birthday presents from Ryan and my parents (I want boots from Ryan, and a light fixture from my parents, and this is the one day I had to pick them out). I also still feel like crap, and the idea of another day like yesterday makes me want to sit on the floor and cry. I just don't have it in me to do another day where I feel that horrible but I have to be the caregiver, not receiving care.
I will do what I have to do because I have no choice. I will be a good mommy to Tessa, and I will wash loads of sheets and comforters, and I will comfort my little girl. I will send my husband to work so that he can be a provider for the family, and I'll figure it out. But it sucks.
Kristina
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4 comments:
Today's gift to yourself is going to be to allow yourself to do the absolute bare minimum, not the superhero maximum. ANYTHING that can wait, can wait. How much more fun will it be to go buy boots when you have the energy to get all gleeful and excited again? Right now, you only have the energy to be mildly relieved that you can get by with two loads of laundry instead of three. Like I said yesterday, the beauty of what you are doing so well is allow the limitations of your body to exist, while keeping your mind and heart focused on the better times ahead. In other words, give yourself the present of setting the boundaries of today at what is absolutely essential, and pat yourself on the back for that. You would do it for anyone else, so why not yourself?
Love, Ramona
I'm so sorry you are having a rough day. Enough is enough! I know, that doesn't remove all the things that are keeping you from truly resting today. This is not the way it is supposed to be. I'm in your corner and I'm sad/grouchy right there with you.
Thinking of you and wishing you an easy time and hopefully a napping girl today.
Love,
Susan
...and when you get a minute, pat yourself on the back again.
gr
Listen to Ramona, my friend. She is wise. It is so hard to give up what you want to do and are typically capable of...but please, please listen to your body. I really want you to remain healthy so you can continue to do so well in your treatment protocol. I know you will do the right thing.
Corina
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