No more poison...please!

Well, I am feeling last week's pattern repeat. I am really beat, and the feeling of poison is returning. I can bear it because, unlike last week, I keep thinking "never again - no more AC for me!"

Tessa had a good nap and woke looking relatively refreshed. We went for a walk with my parents and Foster-puppy, who were in the neighborhood (okay, so they were really at the RV show at Qwest field, but close enough to come by!) and she seems to be in good spirits. I'm hoping that my dinner will refresh me...but it's early to bed for me today. Fingers crossed that I wake up feeling better - Tessa and I are scheduled for a playdate at the Landahl's and Ryan's going for a long bike ride to train for the LAF ride. (Not too late to sponsor - links are in the box to the right. THANK YOU to the many people who have already chosen to sponsor us!)

Okay, I'm off to finish dinner prep... here's hoping that food is all that it takes to help.

Kristina

Tessa's improving...phew

Well, we all slept in this morning after our two hours awake in the middle of the night, and we seem to all be doing okay. Tessa hasn't thrown up again, and woke up in pretty good spirits. We made a trip to Costco for some basic supplies and a hand-held carpet cleaner (which they didn't have in stock, only online) and then followed up with a trip to Target for the same thing for $5 more (well worth it to get the barfy smell out of the carpet - Resolve and a scrubbrush just wasn't doing it). We came home, had lunch, cleaned the carpet...and now we'll wait to see if it has done its magic (while wet, it looks great, but it's DRY that we care about it).

We are also on our third (?) load of laundry - sheets from both of our beds (since Tessa came into our bed after the incident and, in retrospect, we hadn't gotten it all out of her hair...yuck), including Tessa's comforter and bedskirt and pillow sham... and then all the PJs, rags....let's just say that it's a lot of laundry.

This is NOT how we'd planned on spending our day. While at Costco we bought Tessa a video (Clifford) and I think that tonight we'll have a very mellow movie night - something we never do as a family, as Tessa usually gets about a half hour of TV or videos per week, but I think that today calls out for an exception. I doubt her brain will atrophy from one night in front of the TV, and that's what I'm counting on! :-)

I'm wishing I had more exciting news, but lack of barf is pretty exciting to us in this household today. Yikes.

I hope that today finds you better!
Kristina

Toddler flu

Well, last night at about 2am I awoke to the sounds of Tessa throwing up. She emptied her stomach completely, of this I'm pretty sure, and let's just say I'm surprised at the capacity of a toddler's tummy. We were up for a few hours, helping Tessa, cleaning up, and then trying to get Tessa back to sleep. Not a great night!

I have washed my hands repeatedly, changed my PJs mid-night (toddlers don't mind getting barf on their parents) and Ryan was the one to be on his hands and knees scrubbing the carpet that bore the brunt of the barf so that I didn't have to do it. (We're going to Target today to buy a hand held steam cleaner so that the bunny rug, which I love, can be ressurected.)

We all slept in this morning and are hoping for the best. Tessa has had some liquids and some applesauce, and is in good spirits...although she's very sad that we had to cancel our trip to Vashon Island today to visit the Hisatomi's (we're sad, too!).

Wish us luck!
Kristina

The end of a busy day

Today I lounged this morning, and then spent the afternoon running all over the place. My mom brought Tessa back from her ever-so-fun overnight adventure (it's hard to say who had more fun - Tessa or the grandparents - but there were smiles all around!) and treated us to lunch at Lee's, and then we ran some errands and came home for Tessa's nap (which she did not take, of course). My mom left to go home (hopefully SHE got a nap!) and I did chores, and Tessa and I left at 4pm to go to Swedish for my Neulasta shot. Tessa charmed every nurse and staff member and certainly made me proud. :-) Then we hit rush hour traffic, stop and go, to come home. This is where it got a bit ugly, as Tessa said, "Mommy, I need medicine," and then threw up. I'm pretty sure it was carsickness as she has done that a couple times before in stop and go traffic, and once we got her home and cleaned up she was her usual, exhuberant self. PHEW. Being immune compromised, it really scared me...and of course I hate to see my baby so sad.

Soon after we got home, Ryan arrived, and we enjoyed the great dinner that Patrice made (since we ate out yesterday for our anniversary). After gobbling mine up, I left Ryan with Tessa and I went to the preschool co-op orientation meeting for parents, as Tessa starts next week.

I wasn't sure what to say about my breast cancer to the co-op group, but realized that I needed to let this crowd know. They will know soon enough (I will wear bandanas sometimes, Tessa is very open about discussing my cancer, and my eyebrows and eyelashes will go away...and then I'll miss some time when I have my oopharectomy/hysterectomy, etc...there is a long list of how these people will find out I have cancer even if I don't tell them!) and so I felt like it was better be up front. The teacher did a "getting to know you" exercise in which we had to take something from our purse or pocket that represented us...I withdrew a bookclub book to talk about my reading, but also a vial of anti-nausea pills, as an entry to explaining my illness. When they talked about childhood sickness and when to keep your kids at home, I mentioned it again....the preschool rules are clear (and fit my needs as an immuno-compromised person), but I couldn't help adding "Catching a cold could put me in the hospital. Thank you for paying special attention to the rules this year." I hate being the "difficult" one, but it is what it is.

And just for the record, my oncologist has cleared me to attend preschool - I am just under strict instructions to wash my hands regularly, and I will carry Purell in my pocket and use it a lot at preschool as an extra safeguard. I promise, I am being careful.

I am excited for preschool. I love to watch Tessa develop new skills, and relationships with other children. I enjoy talking to the other parents, and seeing what the other kids are up to developmentally. I love to watch Tessa gain confidence in the school setting, and fall in love with her teachers. And there is something fun about the return to school in fall - as much as I don't want to return to teaching, I still love school, and it's fabulous to watch my daughter fall in love with school, too. Most of all, this year, though, I think that I love the return to "normal." The end of preschool (we missed the last day) was right around my diagnosis, and the summer has been filled with so much cancer related chaos, that I am just looking forward to the normal routines of Tessa's childhood. I look forward to the day when I leave the cancer crap behind, but until then, I can live my non-doctor non-chemo days like I'm not a cancer patient, and preschool is one way to do that. I'm just another parent helping out...just another proud mama watching her child develop. That is good medicine.

Love,
Kristina

By popular demand (thanks, Paul!)

Paul sent me the scanned picture of us on our wedding day that I referred to earlier - here it is! Thanks for sharing, Paul. :-)

7am and all is well

Well, I started to feel rotten last night and went to bed without reading or watching TV or even talking to Ryan much once we got home from our date. This, it turns out, was a good strategy (although the ONLY time I intend to behave like that on our anniversary, ever!). I was in bed at 8pm, and aside from a good-night call to Tessa (who was having a grand time) I only got out of bed to use the restroom after that. I'd like to still be sleeping but I think that the Ativan that I take to help me sleep has worn off, so I can lounge but not sleep.

I'm optimistic for a good day today. :-)
Kristina

AC Finished! 4 chemo down, 12 to go

Well folks, I did it. I sat in the chair and didn't run away when they came with the chemo drugs, and I have completed my fourth round of chemotherapy. Hurrah! More importantly, I have completed my FINAL round of Adriamycin and Cytoxin. Red angel or not, I'm glad to kiss THAT goodbye.

My oncologist assures me that it's likely that Taxol will be easier for me. I'm sure she's right. :-) My blood counts today were exceptional, she can't believe how well I'm doing, and I count myself blessed.

I got to talk to Susan McM. today and she also had a good chemo experience. Hurrah!

I feel the usual weirdness after chemo (my nose is super-activated and I can smell everything with uncanny strength of the olofactory nerves, and I have the horrid metal taste) but I don't feel rotten. Before that wears off, we will take the gift of money that Ryan's parents sent, and we will have a lovely date together.

Tessa is at Grammy & Grandpa's, having a wonderful time, and I feel so blessed that she is able to have their love and attention, and that Ryan and I get this night to ourselves. (It will also be helpful to me tomorrow morning, as I will be able to sleep in and relax instead of coming up with suitable toddler activities.)

Now I'm going to sit on the deck and enjoy some sparkling water with my husband...must run!
Love,
Kristina

Our anniversary, Kathy, chemo, and friends

Today is our sixth wedding anniversary. On this day in 1999, Ryan and I awoke at the Stephanie Inn at Cannon Beach to run to the window, pull open the shades...and find sunshine. We whooped in glee (the weather forecast was anything but certain), pulled on our (complimentary and very plush) bathrobes, and ran out of our room onto the grass to dance around in excitement. While outside reveling in the beautiful day - at about 6:30am, mind you - who should we see but our beloved Suzie-Q running down the beach. She came up to join us, and we look over, and, lo and behold, Paul & Libby were out on their little deck. We all chatted together, brimming with exitement for the day, before scampering off to our rooms. As Ryan and I returned to our room, across the dew-soaked grass and in our bare feet, we held hands and ran. One of my favorite all-time photos (that I keep in a frame on my bedroom dresser) is the picture of us that Paul snapped in that moment - our feet aren't touching the ground, and our happiness is evident for miles around.

The rest of our wedding day was equally lovely. We spent time with friends and family - Ryan went to pizza with "the guys" and I went for a long beach walk with the women of my family. Ryan and I both got massages. Ryan even managed to go to the wine tasting in the Chart Room a couple of hours before the wedding while I went, along with Carolyn and Susan, to get my hair done. Ryan got ready in Paul & Libby's room while Carolyn & Susan helped me to get ready in mine. At the last minute I decided that I didn't want "blushing pink" toenails, and Carolyn gave me a pedicure in bright red - my hands were shaking too much to do it myself! (Out of excitement, not fear, certainly.)

When it was time for our ceremony, our friends gathered on the beach below our room - marked out by two beautiful steel tiki torches that Susan loaned us - and our parents, Susan, Paul, pastor Woodley, and ourselves gathered for a moment of meditation and prayer. This was a wedding about marrying two souls, not about floral arrangements or other silly details, and we wanted to be in the moment as we spoke the most important words of our lives.

Woodley walked down to the beach first, and then was followed by Susan & Paul. Next, both of Ryan's parents walked him, and then it was my turn to walk with my parents. We talked and laughed all the way - people couldn't hear us over the surf - and it was lovely. When we got close, our friends started humming "Here comes the bride" which had me laughing - we'd decided against music on the beach, because the surf would surely drown it out anyway, and we love the ocean's roar.

Our vows were beautiful, and meaningful to us. Ryan slipped his arm around my waist, and the whole thing was bliss. My brother did a reading, and so did Ryan's sister, and Woodley's words were perfect for us.

And then we were wed! Amidst laughter, friendship, and family, we became our own little family unit, and it was perfect.

After the ceremony, we headed up the road a mile or so to our reception site - a beatuiful garden setting with an indoor area for a formal dinner (filet mignon or salmon with lobster sauce were the entree choices, along with a vegetarian choice that I have since forgotten!). Juliann played piano for us as people arrived, and the wine flowed freely. The usual wedding speeches were given.

In my speech, I acknowledged my cousin Kathy, and how much I missed her presence on that day (as always, but in particular). Our wedding anniversary is Kathy's birthday. Today, she would have been 35. I miss her presence in our lives as much now as I did then. Happy birthday, Kathy! I know you're out there somewhere, and I know that your love and friendship remain as much a part of my life today as they ever did. I honor you through our daughter, Tessa Katherine, and I know she serves your name well.

When we gave our vows, I meant every word. Like every new bride, I had only an inkling of what I meant - I knew that I was there through thick and thin but I didn't know what would be asked of me in the marriage. This year, our vows have been tested - the "in sickness and in health" part, anyway. I know we will pass these tests with flying colors, but the tests are rigorous.

I would marry Ryan again in a heartbeat if he asked me to. I do not for one moment regret that day on the beach - I consider it one of my happiest moments ever. I am a lucky woman!

Other anniversaries have been spent back at the Stephanie Inn, celebrating our happy day. Today, however, Ryan must go to work, and I must go to chemotherapy. In less than an hour my friend Michele will pick me up to take me to the oncologist's office, and I will have poison administered to my veins. I'm trying to repeat to myself what the oncologist told me - some people refer to Adriamycin as the red devil, but others call it the red angel. I pray that this red angel will be an angel of death to my cancer.

Today Susan L. will join me at my chemotherapy, and as much as I hate the circumstance, I am delighted to have her company and the scheduled girl time!

Another Susan, my new friend in Boston, is getting her first chemotherapy today. Our times will overlap - her first AC treatment and my last one will overlap by an hour or so. Susan McM. is, understandably, frightened and stressed at the prospect of chemo and all of its side effects, and she is in my thoughts and prayers today. Our mutual friend Gretchen - who is further down the road than Susan McM or I - is in my thoughts, too, as I know she's spending special wishes to Susan and I today as we endure the chemo we wish we didn't have to endure.

My new friend Katherine (whose name I love!) is also getting chemo today. She is nearing the end of 15 AC treatments, which, in my mind, makes her some kind of superhero. If you haven't done AC, then you have no idea what kind of strength it takes to make it to the chemo chair and force yourself to allow the nurses to inject you with AC after that many times. GO, Katherine, you can do it! And the party we have at the end will be FABULOUS...and well earned.

Today I know that I take the thoughts and wishes of many people, friends and family (and the best kind - family who are also friends) with me to chemo. That strengthens me.

Many, many thanks to my parents today for taking Tessa and having fun with her and letting her have her first sleepover at Grammy & Grandpa's. I know that she will have a blast, and if I feel okay then Ryan and I will actually get to go on a date for our anniversary. Hurrah! And if I don't feel okay, I won't worry about burdening Tessa with my illness, and I can take care of myself. Thank you, Mom & Dad!

Love to all - and happy anniversary to the man I love best.
Kristina

Pictures!

Here's a picture of Tessa and friends KC, Tyler, Jackson and Carter all playing at the Shogren's. We had a lovely BBQ with our friends on Saturday night, and agreed that, indeed, all of our children are gorgeous. :-) We also had a good laugh that it seems like only yesterday we were all living the single life, or life as couples but without children....and now look at these FIVE growing children that we have between the three families! My have times changed. :-)


And here is a picture of Tessa holding her littlest cousin, Joshua, while we were visiting Mike & Krystal this weekend. Joshua is a little sweetheart - we can't wait to get to know who he is, what he likes and dislikes, and how he likes to do things. Right now, though, he's just the sweetest little guy!


And finally, here is a picture of Caleb & Tessa riding on Ike (Mike & Krystal's dog). Ike has the patience of a saint...and the cousins had SO much fun playing together and with the dogs when we visited with them on Sunday evening. Tessa talks nonstop these days about "when we get Shep" and she has all kinds of grand plans for him. Shep is scheduled to appear some time this spring when I'm done with the most evil parts of my treatment plan, and I can't wait to have a puppy in the house. Tessa, however, is even more excited than I am! (Ryan is resigned to this idea, but I know he's excited too...and he will adore Shep, as well.)

Love,
Kristina

Just popping in

Hello, all. I'm just popping in to say hello in case anybody has been checking on me, as I've been absent from my blog for a couple of days. We've had a busy long weekend visiting with friends and family, and, as usual, I did too much and I'm too tired, but I am well.

Wednesday approaches too quickly. I hope that my expectations are not met, and that this chemo will go easier than the last one, as my stomach churns just thinking about it.

More updates later - good night!
Kristina