With all of the talk of frugality in this house, I thought I'd create a list of FUN stuff that doesn't cost money - things that bring me joy. Here's a beginning of a list:
Family days on Alki, building a sand castle
Hiking in one of the many parks in West Seattle Attending public library lectures
Attending art night downtown ("First Thursday")
Taking advantage of our memberships to the aquarium, Science Center, and zoo
Exploring different parks and events in the city: What's fun in Magnolia? The arboretum? Kirkland? What's going on in Wallingford these days?Author talks at local bookstores
Take the ferry to Bainbridge and walk around Eagle Harbor
Music at C&P
Snowshoeing in the winter
Hiking in spring, summer, and fall
Camping, camping and more camping: North Cascades, Desolation Pass, Kayak Point, etc are all right in our backyard and fabulous
Family game night with board games
Unwinding at the end of the day with a glass of wine and a square of really good chocolate
Watching movies from the library or Hisatomi-flix
Gardening and anticipating those vine ripe delights: tomatoes, strawberries, blueberries, and more
Watching Shep run on the beach at Lincoln Park
Yoga on the beach, early in the morning, by myself
Family days at the YMCA: swimming together, or doing their family program
Long walks
Sitting on our front porch, the lights out, admiring the stars and drinking hot tea
Having friends around for simple dinners
Visiting family in Portland, Spokane, and Vancouver
Family bike ride to Alki Café and back
Lying in our hammock under the flowering dogwood
Making jam with Tessa and seeing her delight
Visiting community farms to learn about food production
Reading about different people, places, times, and ideas
Browsing all I like at Leisure Books and even buying things sometimes from my account of trades
Candles all over the house lit; sitting quietly and enjoying them
Mornings drinking coffee in bed
Watching birds in our backyard as the flutter around the birdfeeder
The water taxi
Picnics galore
Orcas Island trips to the cabin
Meditating in our living room
Visiting with my parents, seeing their love for Tessa and Shep's love for Foster
Feeling proud of our accomplishments toward simple living and saving the environment
Tea parties
Running into friends at the farmer's market and listening to music together
And here are some of my ideas for being frugal and protecting the environment/lowering my carbon footprint:
Find creative ways to use the food in our refrigerator, not allowing it to go to waste.
Shop according to the seasons and the sales for food: more leeks in winter, more tomatoes in summer, and if we need to eat pork for one week or chicken for a whole week that's okay.
Buy less expensive cuts of meat: whole chicken instead of boneless/skinless breasts, Costco frozen Alaskan wild salmon instead of whatever's at Thriftway, pork tenderloin instead of beef tenderloin, ground beef instead of steak, etc. Save "special" cuts of meat for "special" occassions.
Cook one vegetarian meal per week, and one egg-based meal per week.
Make organic, whole grain bread instead of buying it.
Avoid situations which prompt impulse shopping: trips to Target, Costco, shopping trips with friends, Carmelia's, Marshall's etc. When necessary to go to these places, go in with a list and stick to it.
Lower the thermostat to 66 (it has been at 67 for the past few months, down from 68) and keep it there. Put on a sweater!
Avoid coffee shops except as social destinations. Make coffee at home.
Pack a lunch for Ryan daily.
Use vinegar and baking soda as primary household cleaners.
Switch from disposable Swiffer products to old cut-up t-shirts for rags.
Take Tessa swimming at the Y once a week instead of taking her to swimming lessons.
Use the library and Hisatomi-flix for DVDs, including exercise DVDs.
Sell clothing that is still fashionable but doesn't fit well to consignment shops.
Trade books at Leisure Books, and refrain from buying books.
Refrain from buying magazines (save cost of magazine plus the desire to spend that magazines focus on!).
Never shop as a leisure activity.
Walk instead of driving whenever possible, including Tues/Thurs to and from preschool and Fri home from preschool. Take Shep for these walks.
Burn music CDs from friends (and share mine) instead of buying them.
For gifts, give home-made bread, etc. Keep gift costs low, and announce to friends/family the intent to stop the gift exchanges.
Plan ahead for the holidays - how to cut expenses/gift giving, and how to lower costs by being more organized (e.g. make jam in June).
Resume hiking as a leisure activity; encourage family to join (pack a picnic, spend the day).
Reduce entertaining expenses by having only one family over at a time, or by having potlucks.
Reduce wine intake.
If necessary to buy, buy used: Goodwill, Funky Jane's, Small Clothes, ACS Thrift, Senior Thrift, Leisure Books, etc.
Participate in Michele's "Ecomoms" group, learning how to lower carbon footprint and be economical.
Go on a crusade to turn off lights in the house.
Research how to use gray-water to water the garden.
Take the bus to doc appts or find free parking areas. Research canning, dehydrating, freezing, storing fruits and vegetables. Make jam.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Dinner
Take one whole, free range chicken, rinse and pat dry.
Sprinkle dried thyme (the recipe called for fresh, but I didn't have any, so I used dry as a substitute) inside the cavity, and then stuff with lemons (leftover from the crab feast), rosemary (from our garden), and onion and garlic cloves(sitting on my countertop as a part of my usual stock of goods).
Roast in the oven for 30 minutes, then add chicken broth (from my pantry) and lemon juice (used up another fresh lemon); baste regularly until done (about another hour).
To make gravy, use pantry ingredients (water, cornstarch, shallot, garlic); mix well, stir constantly.
To this recipe, I decided to add vegetables. I chopped up potatoes from the farmer's market, as well as some carrots, zuchinni, and bok choy that I happened to have in my fridge, and placed these around the chicken at appropriate times as the bird was cooking (first just chicken, then add potatoes, then carrots, etc.).
Dinner tonight was excellent. It's amazing how different a whole chicken tastes than just a piece. I'm used to buying boneless, skinless breasts, but they're more expensive and more processed, so I bought a whole bird. I wasn't prepared for the major difference in tenderness and flavor - it was much, much better than if I'd done a similar recipe with boneless/skinless. I did remove the skin before carving; I still want to watch my weight, and this plan doesn't change that. The whole dinner was 7 points but tasted ridiculously rich.
Okay, so I'm boasting, and this kind of thing doesn't make good reading. If anyone's actually reading this, I apologize; my intent is more to remind myself than anyone else that my goals of not wasting food, eating locally, etc. are not punishments. The meal was not all local, but it was a step in the right direction. The ingredients were not all seasonal (lemons? in Seattle? in FEBRUARY?). But I didn't waste stuff. My refrigerator is starting to look (gasp! can it be?) bare. (My fridge is never bare. My fridge is always stuffed to the gills.) This delights me. Usually, food gets wasted and thrown away as new food replaces it. (Again, there's an embarassment factor...I hope nobody is here to judge.) Not today. Today, I had this little success, a little move in the right direction. And the results were beautiful, successful, delicious, flavorful.
And I haven't even mentioned yet that the carcass is bubbling away on my stove, turning into stock. I wasn't well prepared for that step - out of onions, I used green onions including the whites. No celery, so I chopped up the last fresh zuchinni. Soon, I will cool it, strain it, and put it into a container to freeze, and next time a recipe calls for stock I'll have homemade stock at home. Next time I'll be better prepared for the stock part, as this one is sure to be a little bland, but I'll figure out a good way to use it anyway.
I'm planning tomorrow's main meal around spinach because I've got loads of it. Maybe a simple spinach salad with leftover chicken diced into it....and the last couple avocados, and I'll make a couple hard-boiled eggs....
This is a lot of work. Mostly, it's a lot of planning, because I'm not used to it. That's okay. I'm adjusting. My hope and thought is that after doing this for a while, it will come easier, because I'll have thought it through before.
Also, we eat a lot of international cuisines - Japanse, Chinese, Italian, Mexican, Indian, Thai...and the stuff I'm finding on local food/seasonal food seems to be more traditional (roasted veggies and meats). I'll have to work on that. I like big flavors.
Sprinkle dried thyme (the recipe called for fresh, but I didn't have any, so I used dry as a substitute) inside the cavity, and then stuff with lemons (leftover from the crab feast), rosemary (from our garden), and onion and garlic cloves(sitting on my countertop as a part of my usual stock of goods).
Roast in the oven for 30 minutes, then add chicken broth (from my pantry) and lemon juice (used up another fresh lemon); baste regularly until done (about another hour).
To make gravy, use pantry ingredients (water, cornstarch, shallot, garlic); mix well, stir constantly.
To this recipe, I decided to add vegetables. I chopped up potatoes from the farmer's market, as well as some carrots, zuchinni, and bok choy that I happened to have in my fridge, and placed these around the chicken at appropriate times as the bird was cooking (first just chicken, then add potatoes, then carrots, etc.).
Dinner tonight was excellent. It's amazing how different a whole chicken tastes than just a piece. I'm used to buying boneless, skinless breasts, but they're more expensive and more processed, so I bought a whole bird. I wasn't prepared for the major difference in tenderness and flavor - it was much, much better than if I'd done a similar recipe with boneless/skinless. I did remove the skin before carving; I still want to watch my weight, and this plan doesn't change that. The whole dinner was 7 points but tasted ridiculously rich.
Okay, so I'm boasting, and this kind of thing doesn't make good reading. If anyone's actually reading this, I apologize; my intent is more to remind myself than anyone else that my goals of not wasting food, eating locally, etc. are not punishments. The meal was not all local, but it was a step in the right direction. The ingredients were not all seasonal (lemons? in Seattle? in FEBRUARY?). But I didn't waste stuff. My refrigerator is starting to look (gasp! can it be?) bare. (My fridge is never bare. My fridge is always stuffed to the gills.) This delights me. Usually, food gets wasted and thrown away as new food replaces it. (Again, there's an embarassment factor...I hope nobody is here to judge.) Not today. Today, I had this little success, a little move in the right direction. And the results were beautiful, successful, delicious, flavorful.
And I haven't even mentioned yet that the carcass is bubbling away on my stove, turning into stock. I wasn't well prepared for that step - out of onions, I used green onions including the whites. No celery, so I chopped up the last fresh zuchinni. Soon, I will cool it, strain it, and put it into a container to freeze, and next time a recipe calls for stock I'll have homemade stock at home. Next time I'll be better prepared for the stock part, as this one is sure to be a little bland, but I'll figure out a good way to use it anyway.
I'm planning tomorrow's main meal around spinach because I've got loads of it. Maybe a simple spinach salad with leftover chicken diced into it....and the last couple avocados, and I'll make a couple hard-boiled eggs....
This is a lot of work. Mostly, it's a lot of planning, because I'm not used to it. That's okay. I'm adjusting. My hope and thought is that after doing this for a while, it will come easier, because I'll have thought it through before.
Also, we eat a lot of international cuisines - Japanse, Chinese, Italian, Mexican, Indian, Thai...and the stuff I'm finding on local food/seasonal food seems to be more traditional (roasted veggies and meats). I'll have to work on that. I like big flavors.
The little things
Today I will walk Shep to preschool to pick up Tessa, saving two miles of driving, and getting us some exercise.
Today I parked two blocks from the parking garage at my doctor's office, on the street, so that I got to stretch my legs and didn't pay the ridiculous garage fees.
Today I decided that instead of buying myself a latte/Americano I would come home and make myself a cup of tea.
Last night, instead of watching TV, I read for a couple of hours before bed.
Tonight, I came up with a recipe (from Weight Watchers) based on ingredients currently in my refrigerator, saving me yet another trip to the grocery store, and not wasting what we already have. (And it uses a whole chicken, so my plan is to use the leftovers to make a soup, creating another healthy meal and not wasting the leftovers.)
So these things are really, really small . They don't add up to much. But I will stubbornly persist in the idea that if I continue on this path, my carbon footprint will be smaller, my bank account will be bigger, my body will be healthier, and my soul will be more content.
I hope so, anyway.
Today I parked two blocks from the parking garage at my doctor's office, on the street, so that I got to stretch my legs and didn't pay the ridiculous garage fees.
Today I decided that instead of buying myself a latte/Americano I would come home and make myself a cup of tea.
Last night, instead of watching TV, I read for a couple of hours before bed.
Tonight, I came up with a recipe (from Weight Watchers) based on ingredients currently in my refrigerator, saving me yet another trip to the grocery store, and not wasting what we already have. (And it uses a whole chicken, so my plan is to use the leftovers to make a soup, creating another healthy meal and not wasting the leftovers.)
So these things are really, really small . They don't add up to much. But I will stubbornly persist in the idea that if I continue on this path, my carbon footprint will be smaller, my bank account will be bigger, my body will be healthier, and my soul will be more content.
I hope so, anyway.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Waste not, want not
I grew up with that expression. Perhaps in rebellion, I'm slowly coming to the realization that I haven't applied it to my own life.
It's obvious in the amount of stuff I have, and that I end up throwing away or giving away.... too much stuff.
It's even more obvious by the amount of food we waste.
I have eaten according to my whims: what sounds good today? What do I feel like? I have eaten whatever I want, without regard to the contents of my refrigerator. This is a disaster.
I'm not going to get into it here today because of short time, but I wanted to record the thought even briefly.
I'm determined to eat what is available. If I defrosted cod, then we must eat cod that night. If we don't, then the cod isn't fresh, and ends up in the trash. It's embarassing to write that, it's so wasteful, but it's the truth. What a waste.
And leftovers. Leftovers are not meant to be stored until spoiled, then thrown away.
My commitment: to cook what I buy, with minimal waste. To eat leftovers. To eat what's in the fridge, not what's on my mind. Enough said.
In other notes, I followed through and went to the farmer's market yesterday, where I bought kale, potatoes, cranberry beans, cheese, and sausage (from Vashon Island, which we can see out our kitchen window). (We were already stocked up on carrots, onions, bread, and honey, or I would have made those purchases, too.)
And today, simmering away in the crockpot, are the beans, potatoes, kale, and sausage from that trip, along with carrots, onions, tomato sauce, thyme, bay leaf, wine, roasted turkey breast, a bit of ham....and one red pepper, chopped up small, because though it wasn't part of the recipe it needed to get used and I figured it wouldn't hurt. (Waste not want not - see, I can be taught!) Tonight for dinner we'll have this faux-cassoulet, with some home made bread. It's not a 100-mile diet, and it's not all local, but it's a really good start.
It feels good to be intentional.
For the record, I have no intention of becoming a 100-mile-diet person, and buying everything local. I don't want to give up coffee, chocolate, wheat, baking soda, salt, sugar, and fresh fruit in the winter. However, I believe that I can make huge strides toward eating more seasonally and more locally than I currently do. Tonight's dinner is a good example of that: I know where most of that food was grown, and I know that though I already had the tomato sauce on hand, next time I can get some made locally. The cranberry beans are a new item on the list for our family - full of protein and fiber, locally grown, they are a step in the right direction. An even bigger step would be to build the whole meal around them, vegetarian style, and we will get there.
Today, the house smells fantastic, filling with the smell of this dish. The sun is shining, the water is sparkling*, the air is fresh. Good reminders of our bounty.
*We have a view!!! Our neighbors cut down a tree between our two yards, and suddenly we can see the ocean (Puget Sound) from our deck, kitchen window, and dining room. This is a little unexpected slice of heaven. It's by no means a sweeping view, and when the trees fill in with spring leaves the view will be blocked for the warm months, but today I'm delighted to see the ocean. What a treat.
It's obvious in the amount of stuff I have, and that I end up throwing away or giving away.... too much stuff.
It's even more obvious by the amount of food we waste.
I have eaten according to my whims: what sounds good today? What do I feel like? I have eaten whatever I want, without regard to the contents of my refrigerator. This is a disaster.
I'm not going to get into it here today because of short time, but I wanted to record the thought even briefly.
I'm determined to eat what is available. If I defrosted cod, then we must eat cod that night. If we don't, then the cod isn't fresh, and ends up in the trash. It's embarassing to write that, it's so wasteful, but it's the truth. What a waste.
And leftovers. Leftovers are not meant to be stored until spoiled, then thrown away.
My commitment: to cook what I buy, with minimal waste. To eat leftovers. To eat what's in the fridge, not what's on my mind. Enough said.
In other notes, I followed through and went to the farmer's market yesterday, where I bought kale, potatoes, cranberry beans, cheese, and sausage (from Vashon Island, which we can see out our kitchen window). (We were already stocked up on carrots, onions, bread, and honey, or I would have made those purchases, too.)
And today, simmering away in the crockpot, are the beans, potatoes, kale, and sausage from that trip, along with carrots, onions, tomato sauce, thyme, bay leaf, wine, roasted turkey breast, a bit of ham....and one red pepper, chopped up small, because though it wasn't part of the recipe it needed to get used and I figured it wouldn't hurt. (Waste not want not - see, I can be taught!) Tonight for dinner we'll have this faux-cassoulet, with some home made bread. It's not a 100-mile diet, and it's not all local, but it's a really good start.
It feels good to be intentional.
For the record, I have no intention of becoming a 100-mile-diet person, and buying everything local. I don't want to give up coffee, chocolate, wheat, baking soda, salt, sugar, and fresh fruit in the winter. However, I believe that I can make huge strides toward eating more seasonally and more locally than I currently do. Tonight's dinner is a good example of that: I know where most of that food was grown, and I know that though I already had the tomato sauce on hand, next time I can get some made locally. The cranberry beans are a new item on the list for our family - full of protein and fiber, locally grown, they are a step in the right direction. An even bigger step would be to build the whole meal around them, vegetarian style, and we will get there.
Today, the house smells fantastic, filling with the smell of this dish. The sun is shining, the water is sparkling*, the air is fresh. Good reminders of our bounty.
*We have a view!!! Our neighbors cut down a tree between our two yards, and suddenly we can see the ocean (Puget Sound) from our deck, kitchen window, and dining room. This is a little unexpected slice of heaven. It's by no means a sweeping view, and when the trees fill in with spring leaves the view will be blocked for the warm months, but today I'm delighted to see the ocean. What a treat.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Sunday night
This afternoon we planted blueberry bushes in the front yard - will we have a blueberry crop this summer? Time will tell.
I did yoga class at the Y tonight. My mind was going crazy and I couldn't make it still, even with the deep breathing exercises. How annoying.
I did yoga class at the Y tonight. My mind was going crazy and I couldn't make it still, even with the deep breathing exercises. How annoying.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Real, honest to goodness bread
I just had my first bite of home made bread, hot from the bread machine. The house smells excellent, I'm calculating that it's about $1 per loaf for organic bread, and I know exactly went into the bread (no long list of unpronounceable chemical ingredients here....and no preservatives or other nasty extras, either). All I do is measure water, oil (I'm going to experiment with different types; I used canola oil this time), salt, honey (I'm going to try a molasses version, too), flour and yeast, push the buttons, and I'm done.
I'm not going to try garlic cheese bread yet, though it's tempting.
I'm not going to try garlic cheese bread yet, though it's tempting.
Take III
The third try at bread is underway. First, not baked. Second, baked but overkneaded. I'm hoping that third time is a charm.
I found local (Bob's Red Mill near Mom & Dad S. in Milwaulkie, OR), organic flour for $4.19 for five pounds at PCC. I found local honey (I bought blackberry honey - we'll see if I like that or decide to revert to wildflower honey). I found bulk yeast (instead of being highly packaged with 6 teaspoons for $2, this is 8 ounces for $4, a considerably better deal with much less packaging). I haven't calculated yet how many loaves I can make per 5 pound bag of flour, so I haven't yet calculated the cost per loaf.....but it's a lot less than I've paid elsewhere.
Anyway, there's a bit of the thrill of the hunt to get it figured out. I will be more excited if the loaf currently in the machine actually tastes good!
Today we went to two birthday parties, and we stopped by the library. Ryan stayed home for this; he's not feeling well (congested, headcold). After bowling and gymnastics today, Tessa's tired, so she and Daddy are watching a Clifford video.
And I'm poking around with gardening ideas and baking bread. Who'd a thunk?
Be much more impressed if, at the end of the summer, the garden has been planted, the crop watered, and the food edible. Right now, this is all ideas. Wait to see if this bread thing is going to pan out, too. But I am happy to at least be on a path, and it's much better than moping around (which feels like the alternative still).
I found local (Bob's Red Mill near Mom & Dad S. in Milwaulkie, OR), organic flour for $4.19 for five pounds at PCC. I found local honey (I bought blackberry honey - we'll see if I like that or decide to revert to wildflower honey). I found bulk yeast (instead of being highly packaged with 6 teaspoons for $2, this is 8 ounces for $4, a considerably better deal with much less packaging). I haven't calculated yet how many loaves I can make per 5 pound bag of flour, so I haven't yet calculated the cost per loaf.....but it's a lot less than I've paid elsewhere.
Anyway, there's a bit of the thrill of the hunt to get it figured out. I will be more excited if the loaf currently in the machine actually tastes good!
Today we went to two birthday parties, and we stopped by the library. Ryan stayed home for this; he's not feeling well (congested, headcold). After bowling and gymnastics today, Tessa's tired, so she and Daddy are watching a Clifford video.
And I'm poking around with gardening ideas and baking bread. Who'd a thunk?
Be much more impressed if, at the end of the summer, the garden has been planted, the crop watered, and the food edible. Right now, this is all ideas. Wait to see if this bread thing is going to pan out, too. But I am happy to at least be on a path, and it's much better than moping around (which feels like the alternative still).
Take II
Okay, I re-set the bread machine, and this time the bread actually baked. Hurrah! Of course, it was heavy and strange because the dough had gone through the kneeding/rising twice, which isn't okay for bread, but now I know the machine works.
Next, off to the store to buy more honey, to find local flour, to find bulk yeast. Actually, next, off to another birthday party (a preschool friend), and THEN to the store. Maybe tonight we'll have fresh bread and soup.
Next, off to the store to buy more honey, to find local flour, to find bulk yeast. Actually, next, off to another birthday party (a preschool friend), and THEN to the store. Maybe tonight we'll have fresh bread and soup.
Grrr
Bumps in the road.
Ryan isn't well this morning; he's raspy and congested and feels lousy. My throat is sore, but he's obviously the worse off right now.
And the darn bread didn't work. It did the kneading and the rising, but not the baking. Ack! I'm rebaking the same loaf on a different setting in the bread machine right now to see if it will work; the end result won't be good after sitting out all night but I want to make sure the machine is going to work before wasting more ingredients. Plus, I'm out of honey.
Ryan isn't well this morning; he's raspy and congested and feels lousy. My throat is sore, but he's obviously the worse off right now.
And the darn bread didn't work. It did the kneading and the rising, but not the baking. Ack! I'm rebaking the same loaf on a different setting in the bread machine right now to see if it will work; the end result won't be good after sitting out all night but I want to make sure the machine is going to work before wasting more ingredients. Plus, I'm out of honey.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Bread
I have probably only baked with yeast a couple of times in my life since childhood. I like to cook, but I'm not a baker - Ghiradelli brownie mixes don't exactly count, so I usually only bake for birthdays (layer cake with buttercream frosting - YUM.)
As a child, I remember baking bread with my mom when I was quite small. I can clearly picture the corner of the kitchen we worked in; Mum (that's what I called her then) would pull the wooden cutting board out, place the bread dough she'd made upon it, and tell me to punch it and smack it and take out all of my anger. Contrary to raising feelings of old frustrations, this exercise seemed quite funny to me, and my own mock anger would make me giggle. I remember the feel of the dough under my fists - firm, yet it would squish if I punched it hard enough. I loved the yeasty smell of it, and the floury mess we made, and being with Mum together, two girls, doing something I didn't think of as work at all.
In hindsight, one of the reasons my mom made bread was to cut corners: we didn't have a lot of money, and my parents knew how to be thrifty. I didn't know about that back then...I just thought that it was a really cool, fun thing that we did together.
Finally, after a series of steps (which were quite laborious, in hindsight), the loaves would be ready to go into the oven. As they baked, the entire house would smell divine. And then, with great delight, we'd eat the bread fresh from the oven, steaming hot.
Tessa's memories of bread making, if she develops any, will be different - she'll miss the pounding of fists, but she'll get the stories.
Today I mentioned my desire to find a used bread machine, and my parents (proponents of the Atkins/low-carb lifestyle) told me to take theirs. I found it on a back shelf in their garage - it won't be missed by them, but it just might get some use here.
So, today, on the way home from visiting Mom/Mum (she's doing better, and even walked with a walker from one room to the next, and sat up in a reclining chair to chat) I stopped at Trader Joe's and picked up some whole wheat bread flour, some yeast, and some ground flax seed, and I was ready to go.
As I write this, the bread machine is grumbling away in the corner of our kitchen where it now lives. No flax seed in this recipe, as none of the bread recipes I have contain flax seed and I didn't want to experiment on my first loaf, but whole wheat honey bread is being made, right now, as I type, in my own kitchen. Now there's a miracle!
The yeast smells wonderful. The bread doesn't even have heat yet - all it is is a newly made dough, not risen, not even fully kneaded yet - and the house smells great.
I suspect that I made a mistake on this loaf; I made a recipe for a medium sized loaf (I had to choose between large, medium, and small, and not knowing what our machine would do, I picked medium....only to find out that the two options we have to choose from are large and small) so it might come out overdone. That's okay, and if it's awful, I will just start fresh. I've warned the family that the first few loaves will be experimental, and they're ready to wait for the perfect loaves that I'm dreaming of and selling them on.
My goal in all of this? Well, it's nice to think of myself as a breadmaker, but that's not it at all. I think that if I start doing some more research, I can make my bread environmentally friendly, healthy, and cheap. A,V,M suggested that each loaf of bread they made was $.50, and that was using organic flour (though they bought it in bulk, knowing that they'd make all of their own bread for the entire year, and I'm not willing to make that kind of commitment right now).
But here is the real thing inspiring me, besides saving a few bucks on bread per week. The real thing is that I'd like to buy locally produced goods, I'd like to cut back on packaging, I'd like to have organic. My local grocery stores don't have organic bread (though I do like Big Horn Valley, which isn't organic, but is 100% whole grain, doesn't have trans-fats, and doesn't contain high fructose corn syrup), and at Great Harvest it's something like $4.50 a loaf and requires a special trip just to buy bread (instead of grabbing it while I'm in the bread aisle, which is more convenient). And even at Great Harvest, it comes in packaging which ends up in a landfill.
So, I hope to find a source for local, organic bread flour (from eastern Washington?) and honey (which this recipe uses), as well as bulk (not individual packets) yeast. If I do that, then I will have local, organic bread at my disposal whenever I wish.
And lest anyone think I'm totally crazy, let me tell you, this isn't exactly hard to make. With a bread machine,t here is no kneading, no watching, no covering with a tea towel, no making sure the room is the right temperature. All I do is measure a few ingredients into a "bucket" that is a part of the machine, and push a few buttons (whole wheat; large loaf; medium brown crust; start) and in a few hours, the machine will beep and tell me that the bread is ready. I don't have to be there to take it out of the oven, as there is no oven: the bread machine turns itself off when it's done.
I don't want to be Martha Stewart, and I don't want to be a martyr, slaving away for the environment, and I don't want to give up all of my free time to save a few bucks. My goal is to find new ways to do things which are different, not necessarily more complicated, to reach my goals of being environmently friendly, local, healthy, organic, fresh, with no excess packaging. Maybe this is one way to do that. The real trick is not in the first loaf, but in finding out if it's a worthwhile habit.
(A side note: one concern about this process is that it might be TOO good. Loaves of bread are not a Weight Watchers staple. Now, a slice of whole wheat bread should be perfect....one point per slice. But a whole loaf could be a problem! Living in a house that smells like baking bread may cause appetite changes, and we'll have to see what that does. But maybe we'll just get used to it.)
It is not the answer. It will not cure the world's problems, or my own. But it is one little step in the right direction...and my house smells great.
As a child, I remember baking bread with my mom when I was quite small. I can clearly picture the corner of the kitchen we worked in; Mum (that's what I called her then) would pull the wooden cutting board out, place the bread dough she'd made upon it, and tell me to punch it and smack it and take out all of my anger. Contrary to raising feelings of old frustrations, this exercise seemed quite funny to me, and my own mock anger would make me giggle. I remember the feel of the dough under my fists - firm, yet it would squish if I punched it hard enough. I loved the yeasty smell of it, and the floury mess we made, and being with Mum together, two girls, doing something I didn't think of as work at all.
In hindsight, one of the reasons my mom made bread was to cut corners: we didn't have a lot of money, and my parents knew how to be thrifty. I didn't know about that back then...I just thought that it was a really cool, fun thing that we did together.
Finally, after a series of steps (which were quite laborious, in hindsight), the loaves would be ready to go into the oven. As they baked, the entire house would smell divine. And then, with great delight, we'd eat the bread fresh from the oven, steaming hot.
Tessa's memories of bread making, if she develops any, will be different - she'll miss the pounding of fists, but she'll get the stories.
Today I mentioned my desire to find a used bread machine, and my parents (proponents of the Atkins/low-carb lifestyle) told me to take theirs. I found it on a back shelf in their garage - it won't be missed by them, but it just might get some use here.
So, today, on the way home from visiting Mom/Mum (she's doing better, and even walked with a walker from one room to the next, and sat up in a reclining chair to chat) I stopped at Trader Joe's and picked up some whole wheat bread flour, some yeast, and some ground flax seed, and I was ready to go.
As I write this, the bread machine is grumbling away in the corner of our kitchen where it now lives. No flax seed in this recipe, as none of the bread recipes I have contain flax seed and I didn't want to experiment on my first loaf, but whole wheat honey bread is being made, right now, as I type, in my own kitchen. Now there's a miracle!
The yeast smells wonderful. The bread doesn't even have heat yet - all it is is a newly made dough, not risen, not even fully kneaded yet - and the house smells great.
I suspect that I made a mistake on this loaf; I made a recipe for a medium sized loaf (I had to choose between large, medium, and small, and not knowing what our machine would do, I picked medium....only to find out that the two options we have to choose from are large and small) so it might come out overdone. That's okay, and if it's awful, I will just start fresh. I've warned the family that the first few loaves will be experimental, and they're ready to wait for the perfect loaves that I'm dreaming of and selling them on.
My goal in all of this? Well, it's nice to think of myself as a breadmaker, but that's not it at all. I think that if I start doing some more research, I can make my bread environmentally friendly, healthy, and cheap. A,V,M suggested that each loaf of bread they made was $.50, and that was using organic flour (though they bought it in bulk, knowing that they'd make all of their own bread for the entire year, and I'm not willing to make that kind of commitment right now).
But here is the real thing inspiring me, besides saving a few bucks on bread per week. The real thing is that I'd like to buy locally produced goods, I'd like to cut back on packaging, I'd like to have organic. My local grocery stores don't have organic bread (though I do like Big Horn Valley, which isn't organic, but is 100% whole grain, doesn't have trans-fats, and doesn't contain high fructose corn syrup), and at Great Harvest it's something like $4.50 a loaf and requires a special trip just to buy bread (instead of grabbing it while I'm in the bread aisle, which is more convenient). And even at Great Harvest, it comes in packaging which ends up in a landfill.
So, I hope to find a source for local, organic bread flour (from eastern Washington?) and honey (which this recipe uses), as well as bulk (not individual packets) yeast. If I do that, then I will have local, organic bread at my disposal whenever I wish.
And lest anyone think I'm totally crazy, let me tell you, this isn't exactly hard to make. With a bread machine,t here is no kneading, no watching, no covering with a tea towel, no making sure the room is the right temperature. All I do is measure a few ingredients into a "bucket" that is a part of the machine, and push a few buttons (whole wheat; large loaf; medium brown crust; start) and in a few hours, the machine will beep and tell me that the bread is ready. I don't have to be there to take it out of the oven, as there is no oven: the bread machine turns itself off when it's done.
I don't want to be Martha Stewart, and I don't want to be a martyr, slaving away for the environment, and I don't want to give up all of my free time to save a few bucks. My goal is to find new ways to do things which are different, not necessarily more complicated, to reach my goals of being environmently friendly, local, healthy, organic, fresh, with no excess packaging. Maybe this is one way to do that. The real trick is not in the first loaf, but in finding out if it's a worthwhile habit.
(A side note: one concern about this process is that it might be TOO good. Loaves of bread are not a Weight Watchers staple. Now, a slice of whole wheat bread should be perfect....one point per slice. But a whole loaf could be a problem! Living in a house that smells like baking bread may cause appetite changes, and we'll have to see what that does. But maybe we'll just get used to it.)
It is not the answer. It will not cure the world's problems, or my own. But it is one little step in the right direction...and my house smells great.
small victories
Here is a small step for the environment, my pocketbook, and anti-clutter: the library.
I just went online and placed holds on a dozen books....about organic vegetable gardening in Seattle, guinea pigs (Tessa's preschool got one and Tessa was selected to name it: the chosen name is Buttercup and I have to say, she's really cute for a rodent!), parenting, voluntary simplicity....
This will not create clutter in my home. It doesn't cost a thing. Because the books are shared among many people, it's better for the environment.
I LOVE buying books. But if I borrowed more, it would be better. I get to read them. I get to return them. If I need them after I read them, I could still buy them (for example, if the weekly garden planner is excellent, maybe that would be a good choice). It's a no risk proposition, and I like that.
If I walk to the library, it would be perfect.
I just went online and placed holds on a dozen books....about organic vegetable gardening in Seattle, guinea pigs (Tessa's preschool got one and Tessa was selected to name it: the chosen name is Buttercup and I have to say, she's really cute for a rodent!), parenting, voluntary simplicity....
This will not create clutter in my home. It doesn't cost a thing. Because the books are shared among many people, it's better for the environment.
I LOVE buying books. But if I borrowed more, it would be better. I get to read them. I get to return them. If I need them after I read them, I could still buy them (for example, if the weekly garden planner is excellent, maybe that would be a good choice). It's a no risk proposition, and I like that.
If I walk to the library, it would be perfect.
Mulling it over
Ryan, Tessa and I had a really nice Valentine's evening. I picked up some king crab at Costco, and I made a simple dinner of steamed crab with garlic butter, cheesy orzo, and broccoli, with brownies for dessert. I used Great Aunt Helen's dishes - the ones my mom gave me when Ryan and I got married - because they are covered with little pink roses and lots of hand-painted gold flourishes, and most appropriate for Valentine's Day and tea parties. (The rest of the year, they sit in a cupboard...but oh I do love them.) Ryan and I drank wine from our wedding crystal, and Tessa had her milk in a fancy glass. I lit every candle (you know that's a lot - I LOVE candles) in the house and we ate by candlelight. Tessa and I even got dressed up.
After dinner, when Tessa was snug in her bed, Ryan and I stayed up and talked about the ideas I've been discussing in my blog. Though this time it's coming from me, Ryan was the person who first told me about the simplicity movement (Voluntary Simplicity and the book "Your Money or Your Life") and he is certainly on board with the concepts. Without even realizing that I had been writing about it, Ryan proposed a vegetable garden for this year. It's nice to be thinking on the same page.
Here is what I know for sure:
- I'm ready for change
- My spiritual quest is tied to my quest for a healthy body, healthy planet, healthy life
- I am seeking sources of inspiration from Buddhist, Christian, Jewish, Islamic, and other spiritual sources (although it really seems like I'm on the Buddhism track right now, it's not because I'm becoming a Buddhist, it's because it's easier to be focused on one thing at a time in my learning to gain understanding)
- I believe that taking steps toward a healthy planet will actually assist me in having a healthier pocketbook in addition to a healthier body
And in a more concrete way, I know that:
- I want a vegetable garden
- I want to stop buying unnecessary items (a.k.a. most of what I buy)
- I want to hike, camp, snowshoe, spend time in my yard, play on the beach
- I'm going to shop more at PCC and the farmer's market
- I'm researching different food ideas....gardens, root cellars, canning, bread making, jam making, self-pick fruit
- I want to eat more seasonally, and I'm researching how to do this
- I am attempting to lower my carbon footprint by using less energy in our home
Would you even believe that I'd like to make my own cheese and yogurt?! According to A,V,M it can take just minutes to make once you have the system down. She described the process for making mozzarella, and it does sound simple. It would be amazing to make sandwiches this summer from home made bread, home made cheese, and garden grown tomatoes and basil...I think I'd feel like I'd climbed Everestt if I did that.
And yet I do NOT wish to be a pioneer woman. I do not wish to add to my "to do" list so that I feel more inadequate, frazzled, rushed. I just have to figure out how to do these things joyfully, or not do them at all.
In good news, I went to Thriftway (I had to do some banking there, too, as there is a WaMu branch there) this morning and bought a gallon of milk. I stood in front of the case, looking for my usual organic brand, and now they are carrying another brand labeled organic, but this one says "Locally grown!" in big letters. The difference? $6.19 a gallon for my usual organic brand (I try not to look at the cost of the non-organic brands, because I get so horrified at how much I'm spending), and $4.69 a HALF gallon for the "local" brand. I stood in dismay: I'm committed in theory to spending my money on local food, but the price is really awful. I piked up the local one, and read that it's from "Roy, in the shadows of Mt. Rainier." I picked up the other one, and read that it's distributed in Duvall, Washington. Duvall? That's right around the corner, more or less - HURRAH! Finally, I caught a break. I do not need to pay over $9 a gallon for milk. Ha.
After dinner, when Tessa was snug in her bed, Ryan and I stayed up and talked about the ideas I've been discussing in my blog. Though this time it's coming from me, Ryan was the person who first told me about the simplicity movement (Voluntary Simplicity and the book "Your Money or Your Life") and he is certainly on board with the concepts. Without even realizing that I had been writing about it, Ryan proposed a vegetable garden for this year. It's nice to be thinking on the same page.
Here is what I know for sure:
- I'm ready for change
- My spiritual quest is tied to my quest for a healthy body, healthy planet, healthy life
- I am seeking sources of inspiration from Buddhist, Christian, Jewish, Islamic, and other spiritual sources (although it really seems like I'm on the Buddhism track right now, it's not because I'm becoming a Buddhist, it's because it's easier to be focused on one thing at a time in my learning to gain understanding)
- I believe that taking steps toward a healthy planet will actually assist me in having a healthier pocketbook in addition to a healthier body
And in a more concrete way, I know that:
- I want a vegetable garden
- I want to stop buying unnecessary items (a.k.a. most of what I buy)
- I want to hike, camp, snowshoe, spend time in my yard, play on the beach
- I'm going to shop more at PCC and the farmer's market
- I'm researching different food ideas....gardens, root cellars, canning, bread making, jam making, self-pick fruit
- I want to eat more seasonally, and I'm researching how to do this
- I am attempting to lower my carbon footprint by using less energy in our home
Would you even believe that I'd like to make my own cheese and yogurt?! According to A,V,M it can take just minutes to make once you have the system down. She described the process for making mozzarella, and it does sound simple. It would be amazing to make sandwiches this summer from home made bread, home made cheese, and garden grown tomatoes and basil...I think I'd feel like I'd climbed Everestt if I did that.
And yet I do NOT wish to be a pioneer woman. I do not wish to add to my "to do" list so that I feel more inadequate, frazzled, rushed. I just have to figure out how to do these things joyfully, or not do them at all.
In good news, I went to Thriftway (I had to do some banking there, too, as there is a WaMu branch there) this morning and bought a gallon of milk. I stood in front of the case, looking for my usual organic brand, and now they are carrying another brand labeled organic, but this one says "Locally grown!" in big letters. The difference? $6.19 a gallon for my usual organic brand (I try not to look at the cost of the non-organic brands, because I get so horrified at how much I'm spending), and $4.69 a HALF gallon for the "local" brand. I stood in dismay: I'm committed in theory to spending my money on local food, but the price is really awful. I piked up the local one, and read that it's from "Roy, in the shadows of Mt. Rainier." I picked up the other one, and read that it's distributed in Duvall, Washington. Duvall? That's right around the corner, more or less - HURRAH! Finally, I caught a break. I do not need to pay over $9 a gallon for milk. Ha.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Animal, Vegetable, Miracle
I got the name wrong in a previous post; funny how after reading 200 pages the NAME of the book wasn't on my tongue. Anyway, it's "Animal, Vegetable, Miracle" by Barbara Kingsolver with Steven L. Hopp (her husband) and Camille Kingsolver (her daughter), and I just finished it.
I'm mulling it over, but I am determined to make some changes in my life.
For one, I can't wait to get to the farmer's market this weekend.
For another, I bought some little blueberry bushes to plant in our yard, and Ryan and I are actually talking about turning part of the front yard (seems crazy to have it in the front, but that's where the most sunlight is) into a small vegetable garden, in addition to planting zuchinni and pumpkins in the back yard's raised bed.
And I'll throw this out in internet land: does anyone have a bread machine languishing in their cupboard, closet, basement or garage? I'm intrigued to try using one for a while....whole grain bread with flax seed is on my list. Anyone? I'm not willing to buy one until I've figured out if it's something I'd use a lot...plus, I'm trying to buy less stuff! Anyway, anyone know where I can getg a used one? Anyone have one to give away or loan out?
I'm still not going to raise my own poultry. No way. And I'm going to keep drinking coffee. Organic bananas are so tasty, and Tessa and I really adore mangoes...
But I think I've committed to spending blackberry season picking buckets of beautiful berries and turning some into jam and freezing some. And I'm thinking of taking a trip to a strawberry farm to do that, too.
I swore off partially hydrogenated oils, food coloring, high fructose corn syrup, soda a long time ago. I seek out organic eggs, free range/organic chicken, meat raised without hormones, organic produce. I aim for whole grains. I'm on the right track, I know that. I feel certain of it, and I'm looking forward to the next parts of this adventure.
I'm mulling it over, but I am determined to make some changes in my life.
For one, I can't wait to get to the farmer's market this weekend.
For another, I bought some little blueberry bushes to plant in our yard, and Ryan and I are actually talking about turning part of the front yard (seems crazy to have it in the front, but that's where the most sunlight is) into a small vegetable garden, in addition to planting zuchinni and pumpkins in the back yard's raised bed.
And I'll throw this out in internet land: does anyone have a bread machine languishing in their cupboard, closet, basement or garage? I'm intrigued to try using one for a while....whole grain bread with flax seed is on my list. Anyone? I'm not willing to buy one until I've figured out if it's something I'd use a lot...plus, I'm trying to buy less stuff! Anyway, anyone know where I can getg a used one? Anyone have one to give away or loan out?
I'm still not going to raise my own poultry. No way. And I'm going to keep drinking coffee. Organic bananas are so tasty, and Tessa and I really adore mangoes...
But I think I've committed to spending blackberry season picking buckets of beautiful berries and turning some into jam and freezing some. And I'm thinking of taking a trip to a strawberry farm to do that, too.
I swore off partially hydrogenated oils, food coloring, high fructose corn syrup, soda a long time ago. I seek out organic eggs, free range/organic chicken, meat raised without hormones, organic produce. I aim for whole grains. I'm on the right track, I know that. I feel certain of it, and I'm looking forward to the next parts of this adventure.
more thinking
My friends Holly & Michele are on the same wavelength about some of the things I've been thinking about, and sent me "Story of Stuff" which is an internet video discussing how things are created and consumed. Not only does the "Story of Stuff" discuss the massive problems being created by "stuff" and our consumerist society, but it also offers solutions on the website.
Take a look at:
http://www.storyofstuff.com/
And then poke around the website for more info.
For me, the most thought provoking part of the video was actually something not contained in the video itself, but on the website. I knew and agreed with the general philosophies being presented in the video, so it wasn't new to me (though the approach is inventive and fresh), but the list of things that I personally can do to change the cycle is of particular interest. That's what I'm copying and pasting below...take a look.
By the way, I'm doing many of these things. We recycle (even with a worm bin for kitchen scraps). We eat primarily organic. We don't use pesticides in our yard. We only have one car. We use energy efficient lightbulbs.
But there is a long, long way to go. I have a lot to learn.
-------------
Another Way
Many people who have seen The Story of Stuff have asked what they can do to address the problems identified in the film.
Each of us can promote sustainability and justice at multiple levels: as an individual, as a teacher or parent, a community member, a national citizen, and as a global citizen. As Annie says in the film, “the good thing about such an all pervasive problem is that there are so many points of intervention.” That means that there are lots and lots of places to plug in, to get involved, and to make a difference. There is no single simple thing to do, because the set of problems we’re addressing just isn’t simple. But everyone can make a difference, but the bigger your action the bigger the difference you’ll make. Here are some ideas:
10 Little and Big Things You Can Do
Power down! A great deal of the resources we use and the waste we create is in the energy we consume. Look for opportunities in your life to significantly reduce energy use: drive less, fly less, turn off lights, buy local seasonal food (food takes energy to grow, package, store and transport), wear a sweater instead of turning up the heat, use a clothesline instead of a dryer, vacation closer to home, buy used or borrow things before buying new, recycle. All these things save energy and save you money. And, if you can switch to alternative energy by supporting a company that sells green energy to the grid or by installing solar panels on your home, bravo!
Waste less. Per capita waste production in the U.S. just keeps growing. There are hundreds of opportunities each day to nurture a Zero Waste culture in your home, school, workplace, church, community. This takes developing new habits which soon become second nature. Use both sides of the paper, carry your own mugs and shopping bags, get printer cartridges refilled instead of replaced, compost food scraps, avoid bottled water and other over packaged products, upgrade computers rather than buying new ones, repair and mend rather than replace….the list is endless! The more we visibly engage in re-use over wasting, the more we cultivate a new cultural norm, or actually, reclaim an old one!
Talk to everyone about these issues. At school, your neighbors, in line at the supermarket, on the bus…A student once asked Cesar Chavez how he organized. He said, “First, I talk to one person. Then I talk to another person.” “No,” said the student, “how do you organize?” Chavez answered, “First I talk to one person. Then I talk to another person.” You get the point. Talking about these issues raises awareness, builds community and can inspire others to action.
Make Your Voice Heard. Write letters to the editor and submit articles to local press. In the last two years, and especially with Al Gore winning the Nobel Peace Prize, the media has been forced to write about Climate Change. As individuals, we can influence the media to better represent other important issues as well. Letters to the editor are a great way to help newspaper readers make connections they might not make without your help. Also local papers are often willing to print book and film reviews, interviews and articles by community members. Let’s get the issues we care about in the news.
DeTox your body, DeTox your home, and DeTox the Economy. Many of today’s consumer products – from children’s pajamas to lipstick – contain toxic chemical additives that simply aren’t necessary. Research online (for example, http://www.cosmeticsdatabase.com/) before you buy to be sure you’re not inadvertently introducing toxics into your home and body. Then tell your friends about toxics in consumer products. Together, ask the businesses why they’re using toxic chemicals without any warning labels. And ask your elected officials why they are permitting this practice. The European Union has adopted strong policies that require toxics to be removed from many products. So, while our electronic gadgets and cosmetics have toxics in them, people in Europe can buy the same things toxics-free. Let’s demand the same thing here. Getting the toxics out of production at the source is the best way to ensure they don’t get into any home and body.
Unplug (the TV and internet) and Plug In (the community). The average person in the U.S. watches T.V. over 4 hours a day. Four hours per day filled with messages about stuff we should buy. That is four hours a day that could be spent with family, friends and in our community. On-line activism is a good start, but spending time in face-to-face civic or community activities strengthens the community and many studies show that a stronger community is a source of social and logistical support, greater security and happiness. A strong community is also critical to having a strong, active democracy.
Park your car and walk…and when necessary MARCH! Car-centric land use policies and life styles lead to more greenhouse gas emissions, fossil fuel extraction, conversion of agricultural and wildlands to roads and parking lots. Driving less and walking more is good for the climate, the planet, your health, and your wallet. But sometimes we don’t have an option to leave the car home because of inadequate bike lanes or public transportation options. Then, we may need to march, to join with others to demand sustainable transportation options. Throughout U.S. history, peaceful non-violent marches have played a powerful role in raising awareness about issues, mobilizing people, and sending messages to decision makers.
Change your lightbulbs…and then, change your paradigm. Changing lightbulbs is quick and easy. Energy efficient lightbulbs use 75% less energy and last 10 times longer than conventional ones. That’s a no-brainer. But changing lightbulbs is just tinkering at the margins of a fundamentally flawed system unless we also change our paradigm. A paradigm is a collection of assumptions, concepts, beliefs and values that together make up a community’s way of viewing reality. Our current paradigm dictates that more stuff is better, that infinite economic growth is desirable and possible, and that pollution is the price of progress. To really turn things around, we need to nurture a different paradigm based on the values of sustainability, justice, health, and community.
Recycle your trash…and, recycle your elected officials. Recycling saves energy and reduces both waste and the pressure to harvest and mine new stuff. Unfortunately, many cities still don’t have adequate recycling systems in place. In that case you can usually find some recycling options in the phone book to start recycling while you’re pressuring your local government to support recycling city-wide. Also, many products – for example, most electronics - are designed not to be recycled or contain toxics so recycling is hazardous. In these cases, we need to lobby government to prohibit toxics in consumer products and to enact Extended Producer Responsibility (EPR) laws, as is happening in Europe. EPR is a policy which holds producers responsible for the entire lifecycle of their products, so that electronics company who use toxics in their products, have to take them back. That is a great incentive for them to get the toxics out!
Buy Green, Buy Fair, Buy Local, Buy Used, and most importantly, Buy Less. Shopping is not the solution to the environmental problems we currently face because the real changes we need just aren’t for sale in even the greenest shop. But, when we do shop, we should ensure our dollars support businesses that protect the environment and worker rights. Look beyond vague claims on packages like “all natural” to find hard facts. Is it organic? Is it free of super-toxic PVC plastic? When you can, buy local products from local stores, which keeps more of our hard earned money in the community. Buying used items keeps them out of the trash and avoids the upstream waste created during extraction and production. But, buying less may be the best option of all. Less pollution. Less Waste. Less time working to pay for the stuff. Sometimes, less really is more.
Take a look at:
http://www.storyofstuff.com/
And then poke around the website for more info.
For me, the most thought provoking part of the video was actually something not contained in the video itself, but on the website. I knew and agreed with the general philosophies being presented in the video, so it wasn't new to me (though the approach is inventive and fresh), but the list of things that I personally can do to change the cycle is of particular interest. That's what I'm copying and pasting below...take a look.
By the way, I'm doing many of these things. We recycle (even with a worm bin for kitchen scraps). We eat primarily organic. We don't use pesticides in our yard. We only have one car. We use energy efficient lightbulbs.
But there is a long, long way to go. I have a lot to learn.
-------------
Another Way
Many people who have seen The Story of Stuff have asked what they can do to address the problems identified in the film.
Each of us can promote sustainability and justice at multiple levels: as an individual, as a teacher or parent, a community member, a national citizen, and as a global citizen. As Annie says in the film, “the good thing about such an all pervasive problem is that there are so many points of intervention.” That means that there are lots and lots of places to plug in, to get involved, and to make a difference. There is no single simple thing to do, because the set of problems we’re addressing just isn’t simple. But everyone can make a difference, but the bigger your action the bigger the difference you’ll make. Here are some ideas:
10 Little and Big Things You Can Do
Power down! A great deal of the resources we use and the waste we create is in the energy we consume. Look for opportunities in your life to significantly reduce energy use: drive less, fly less, turn off lights, buy local seasonal food (food takes energy to grow, package, store and transport), wear a sweater instead of turning up the heat, use a clothesline instead of a dryer, vacation closer to home, buy used or borrow things before buying new, recycle. All these things save energy and save you money. And, if you can switch to alternative energy by supporting a company that sells green energy to the grid or by installing solar panels on your home, bravo!
Waste less. Per capita waste production in the U.S. just keeps growing. There are hundreds of opportunities each day to nurture a Zero Waste culture in your home, school, workplace, church, community. This takes developing new habits which soon become second nature. Use both sides of the paper, carry your own mugs and shopping bags, get printer cartridges refilled instead of replaced, compost food scraps, avoid bottled water and other over packaged products, upgrade computers rather than buying new ones, repair and mend rather than replace….the list is endless! The more we visibly engage in re-use over wasting, the more we cultivate a new cultural norm, or actually, reclaim an old one!
Talk to everyone about these issues. At school, your neighbors, in line at the supermarket, on the bus…A student once asked Cesar Chavez how he organized. He said, “First, I talk to one person. Then I talk to another person.” “No,” said the student, “how do you organize?” Chavez answered, “First I talk to one person. Then I talk to another person.” You get the point. Talking about these issues raises awareness, builds community and can inspire others to action.
Make Your Voice Heard. Write letters to the editor and submit articles to local press. In the last two years, and especially with Al Gore winning the Nobel Peace Prize, the media has been forced to write about Climate Change. As individuals, we can influence the media to better represent other important issues as well. Letters to the editor are a great way to help newspaper readers make connections they might not make without your help. Also local papers are often willing to print book and film reviews, interviews and articles by community members. Let’s get the issues we care about in the news.
DeTox your body, DeTox your home, and DeTox the Economy. Many of today’s consumer products – from children’s pajamas to lipstick – contain toxic chemical additives that simply aren’t necessary. Research online (for example, http://www.cosmeticsdatabase.com/) before you buy to be sure you’re not inadvertently introducing toxics into your home and body. Then tell your friends about toxics in consumer products. Together, ask the businesses why they’re using toxic chemicals without any warning labels. And ask your elected officials why they are permitting this practice. The European Union has adopted strong policies that require toxics to be removed from many products. So, while our electronic gadgets and cosmetics have toxics in them, people in Europe can buy the same things toxics-free. Let’s demand the same thing here. Getting the toxics out of production at the source is the best way to ensure they don’t get into any home and body.
Unplug (the TV and internet) and Plug In (the community). The average person in the U.S. watches T.V. over 4 hours a day. Four hours per day filled with messages about stuff we should buy. That is four hours a day that could be spent with family, friends and in our community. On-line activism is a good start, but spending time in face-to-face civic or community activities strengthens the community and many studies show that a stronger community is a source of social and logistical support, greater security and happiness. A strong community is also critical to having a strong, active democracy.
Park your car and walk…and when necessary MARCH! Car-centric land use policies and life styles lead to more greenhouse gas emissions, fossil fuel extraction, conversion of agricultural and wildlands to roads and parking lots. Driving less and walking more is good for the climate, the planet, your health, and your wallet. But sometimes we don’t have an option to leave the car home because of inadequate bike lanes or public transportation options. Then, we may need to march, to join with others to demand sustainable transportation options. Throughout U.S. history, peaceful non-violent marches have played a powerful role in raising awareness about issues, mobilizing people, and sending messages to decision makers.
Change your lightbulbs…and then, change your paradigm. Changing lightbulbs is quick and easy. Energy efficient lightbulbs use 75% less energy and last 10 times longer than conventional ones. That’s a no-brainer. But changing lightbulbs is just tinkering at the margins of a fundamentally flawed system unless we also change our paradigm. A paradigm is a collection of assumptions, concepts, beliefs and values that together make up a community’s way of viewing reality. Our current paradigm dictates that more stuff is better, that infinite economic growth is desirable and possible, and that pollution is the price of progress. To really turn things around, we need to nurture a different paradigm based on the values of sustainability, justice, health, and community.
Recycle your trash…and, recycle your elected officials. Recycling saves energy and reduces both waste and the pressure to harvest and mine new stuff. Unfortunately, many cities still don’t have adequate recycling systems in place. In that case you can usually find some recycling options in the phone book to start recycling while you’re pressuring your local government to support recycling city-wide. Also, many products – for example, most electronics - are designed not to be recycled or contain toxics so recycling is hazardous. In these cases, we need to lobby government to prohibit toxics in consumer products and to enact Extended Producer Responsibility (EPR) laws, as is happening in Europe. EPR is a policy which holds producers responsible for the entire lifecycle of their products, so that electronics company who use toxics in their products, have to take them back. That is a great incentive for them to get the toxics out!
Buy Green, Buy Fair, Buy Local, Buy Used, and most importantly, Buy Less. Shopping is not the solution to the environmental problems we currently face because the real changes we need just aren’t for sale in even the greenest shop. But, when we do shop, we should ensure our dollars support businesses that protect the environment and worker rights. Look beyond vague claims on packages like “all natural” to find hard facts. Is it organic? Is it free of super-toxic PVC plastic? When you can, buy local products from local stores, which keeps more of our hard earned money in the community. Buying used items keeps them out of the trash and avoids the upstream waste created during extraction and production. But, buying less may be the best option of all. Less pollution. Less Waste. Less time working to pay for the stuff. Sometimes, less really is more.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
thinking
I am spending more than a usual amount of time thinking these days.
I feel a need to be quieter than usual. I still love my friends and family, of course, but I just need to do some good thinking.
I'm thinking about life changes. Small things related to food, spending, the house; bigger things like how I spend my time (my most precious resource). All of it is really about thinking through my values.
I believe that one of the reasons I've been out of synch is that I'm out of synch with my own values. I forget what is important to me, and things spiral downhill. Interesting idea, anyway.
But this recent spiral was part me and part medication. I am very grateful to have a basic understanding of what is normal and what is not so that even though my mind was going nuts and my emotions were running out of control, a part of me remained sane enough to know "this isn't right" and "seek help!" A call to the therapist, an adjustment in meds, has been helpful. It's a week I don't particularly want to relive, I promise you that.
Trying to get back to a more even keel.
And now, back to my book. Kingsolver is very interesting to me; her older work (short stories, fiction) was interesting but not earth shattering. "The Poisonwood Bible" was an incredible work, in my opinion, a truly fine book. Her autobiographical, scientific exploration and cultural study of food in her most recent book is fascinating.
The other reading I'm doing right now (besides Mary Oliver, The Dalai Lama, Thich Nhat Hahn, and Pema Chodron, in addition to The Daily Word and Shambahla Sun magazines) is "Little House in the Big Woods," which is the Laura Ingalls Wilder book (the first of the series). My Aunt Ann & Uncle Bill gave it to me one year when I was little, and I still remember how much I loved it. My mom and dad gave Tessa the series for her birthday, and we have begun reading it (and discussing the idea of life without electricity, girls in long dresses, butchering one's own meat, growing one's own food, living far from a town or neighbors....) together. It brings back great childhood memories for me, and it also creates interesting discussion with Tessa and I.
What is most interesting, perhaps, is the intersection of "Animal, Mineral, Vegetable" and "Little House in the Big Woods." They are not, perhaps, so different, despite the different centuries/millenia in which they were written. They are both food focused. They are both about finding happiness with family. They are both about the natural growth cycles of nature, the weather, crops, families. Laura Ingalls Wilder grew up in synch with the world around her; she ate what was in season. Kingsolver is attempting to do the same.
I've been thinking about applying this to my own life. Could I really do it? Would I want to? It seems easy to give up fresh strawberries in winter (frankly, they don't taste that good anyway....a fresh strawberry off the vine in the summer and a wintertime Costco strawberry taste like they're from different planets, let alone different seasons) but could I give up fresh mango?
I believe in the slow food movement. I believe in the local food movement. I believe in organic food. I believe that it is ridiculous that as a planet we manufacture far more food than we can consume, and yet millions of people starve. Chemicals are not food, and people in Seattle aren't meant to eat fresh pineapple....and so the cost is real (fuel, pesticides, etc).
But what am I to do about it? Hmmm.
I am thinking of starting a very small, unambitious vegetable garden this summer.
I also read in the "Little House" book that winter squash and onions were stored in the attic for the winter. We have an attic which is unheated but accessable; maybe we could do this. Could I figure out a kind of "root cellar" to store fresh food? In this way, could I buy from the farmer's market (I said I would plant a "very small" garden, not enough to feed my family for a winter!) and then eat it all winter?
Would my family agree to this? Would they think that it was insane to give up cucumbers, tomatoes, peppers for the winter?
Would I actually consider canning? Canned tomatoes taste excellent; I've never developed a taste for canned fruit. But I did make jam last eyar; maybe we could do more this year?
I'm not giving up coffee. I'm NOT. Don't ask. It's too much. Hey, I had cancer. Gimme a break. A girl needs her coffee. (Not wants. Needs.)
I'm looking at my carbon footprint. I'm looking at the way that I pollute the earth, and my own body. I'm looking at my values.
I've considered only buying used items for a year, except perishables and things like TP, soap, etc. I have "enough", I'm sure (closets full of things, cupboards bursting....), but could I do it?
I want to figure out my place in the world. I want to be able to sleep at night knowing that I am giving the best of myself to myself, to my family, to the world.
I can't even remember to bring my commuter mug to the coffee shop so I don't use a paper cup. Can I really make these big decisions and live by them?
No promises. Just ideas.
But I am certain that my depression is in part because I am out of synch. I need to look at the big stuff. This is only a little piece of it, a tiny corner of my mind.
And now, really, off to read. I hope to sleep well so that Tessa and I can visit my mom tomorrow and enjoy the day with her. Ryan comes home tomorrow night, too.
That's all.
I feel a need to be quieter than usual. I still love my friends and family, of course, but I just need to do some good thinking.
I'm thinking about life changes. Small things related to food, spending, the house; bigger things like how I spend my time (my most precious resource). All of it is really about thinking through my values.
I believe that one of the reasons I've been out of synch is that I'm out of synch with my own values. I forget what is important to me, and things spiral downhill. Interesting idea, anyway.
But this recent spiral was part me and part medication. I am very grateful to have a basic understanding of what is normal and what is not so that even though my mind was going nuts and my emotions were running out of control, a part of me remained sane enough to know "this isn't right" and "seek help!" A call to the therapist, an adjustment in meds, has been helpful. It's a week I don't particularly want to relive, I promise you that.
Trying to get back to a more even keel.
And now, back to my book. Kingsolver is very interesting to me; her older work (short stories, fiction) was interesting but not earth shattering. "The Poisonwood Bible" was an incredible work, in my opinion, a truly fine book. Her autobiographical, scientific exploration and cultural study of food in her most recent book is fascinating.
The other reading I'm doing right now (besides Mary Oliver, The Dalai Lama, Thich Nhat Hahn, and Pema Chodron, in addition to The Daily Word and Shambahla Sun magazines) is "Little House in the Big Woods," which is the Laura Ingalls Wilder book (the first of the series). My Aunt Ann & Uncle Bill gave it to me one year when I was little, and I still remember how much I loved it. My mom and dad gave Tessa the series for her birthday, and we have begun reading it (and discussing the idea of life without electricity, girls in long dresses, butchering one's own meat, growing one's own food, living far from a town or neighbors....) together. It brings back great childhood memories for me, and it also creates interesting discussion with Tessa and I.
What is most interesting, perhaps, is the intersection of "Animal, Mineral, Vegetable" and "Little House in the Big Woods." They are not, perhaps, so different, despite the different centuries/millenia in which they were written. They are both food focused. They are both about finding happiness with family. They are both about the natural growth cycles of nature, the weather, crops, families. Laura Ingalls Wilder grew up in synch with the world around her; she ate what was in season. Kingsolver is attempting to do the same.
I've been thinking about applying this to my own life. Could I really do it? Would I want to? It seems easy to give up fresh strawberries in winter (frankly, they don't taste that good anyway....a fresh strawberry off the vine in the summer and a wintertime Costco strawberry taste like they're from different planets, let alone different seasons) but could I give up fresh mango?
I believe in the slow food movement. I believe in the local food movement. I believe in organic food. I believe that it is ridiculous that as a planet we manufacture far more food than we can consume, and yet millions of people starve. Chemicals are not food, and people in Seattle aren't meant to eat fresh pineapple....and so the cost is real (fuel, pesticides, etc).
But what am I to do about it? Hmmm.
I am thinking of starting a very small, unambitious vegetable garden this summer.
I also read in the "Little House" book that winter squash and onions were stored in the attic for the winter. We have an attic which is unheated but accessable; maybe we could do this. Could I figure out a kind of "root cellar" to store fresh food? In this way, could I buy from the farmer's market (I said I would plant a "very small" garden, not enough to feed my family for a winter!) and then eat it all winter?
Would my family agree to this? Would they think that it was insane to give up cucumbers, tomatoes, peppers for the winter?
Would I actually consider canning? Canned tomatoes taste excellent; I've never developed a taste for canned fruit. But I did make jam last eyar; maybe we could do more this year?
I'm not giving up coffee. I'm NOT. Don't ask. It's too much. Hey, I had cancer. Gimme a break. A girl needs her coffee. (Not wants. Needs.)
I'm looking at my carbon footprint. I'm looking at the way that I pollute the earth, and my own body. I'm looking at my values.
I've considered only buying used items for a year, except perishables and things like TP, soap, etc. I have "enough", I'm sure (closets full of things, cupboards bursting....), but could I do it?
I want to figure out my place in the world. I want to be able to sleep at night knowing that I am giving the best of myself to myself, to my family, to the world.
I can't even remember to bring my commuter mug to the coffee shop so I don't use a paper cup. Can I really make these big decisions and live by them?
No promises. Just ideas.
But I am certain that my depression is in part because I am out of synch. I need to look at the big stuff. This is only a little piece of it, a tiny corner of my mind.
And now, really, off to read. I hope to sleep well so that Tessa and I can visit my mom tomorrow and enjoy the day with her. Ryan comes home tomorrow night, too.
That's all.
improving
Tessa slept well, and woke up happy. She's playing with Anna, which is her idea of nirvana, and the girls are excited just to be together.
I barely slept at all - at 2am I actually turned the light on and read my book ("Animal, Vegetable, Mineral" by Barbara Kingsolver) for an hour or more before sleeping restlessly. Ugh - I'm tired, and not sure how to fix that dilemma.
However, I'm not sick, and nor is Tessa, and this is a major improvement.
And I'm re-entering life. Time to return phone calls, to cook, to write thank you cards, to walk the dog....
I barely slept at all - at 2am I actually turned the light on and read my book ("Animal, Vegetable, Mineral" by Barbara Kingsolver) for an hour or more before sleeping restlessly. Ugh - I'm tired, and not sure how to fix that dilemma.
However, I'm not sick, and nor is Tessa, and this is a major improvement.
And I'm re-entering life. Time to return phone calls, to cook, to write thank you cards, to walk the dog....
Monday, February 11, 2008
looking up
Okay, my nausea has subsided, and Tessa's mood is excellent. I've just tucked her into bed, and she appears full of energy this evening. She ate regularly (thank you so much, Michele, for the delicious posole), and she's ready for preschool tomorrow.
I hope to sleep well - alone, no child! - tonight and wake up feeling refreshed...
I hope to sleep well - alone, no child! - tonight and wake up feeling refreshed...
uh oh
Nausea.
Please let this be psychosomatic. (Did I spell that right?) The rest of my head is messed up, so maybe this, too?
Tessa appears to be feeling well....
Fingers crossed.
Please let this be psychosomatic. (Did I spell that right?) The rest of my head is messed up, so maybe this, too?
Tessa appears to be feeling well....
Fingers crossed.
The corner?
Tessa may have turned a corner.
She's ravenous - I made her a cheese sandwich and mac and cheese for lunch at her request - and she hasn't had any further nausea or pain since this morning. She hasn't eaten her giant lunch (just a 1/4 sandwich and a few bites of pasta) but this is still a big improvement. She's back to tormenting the cat (the cat may have been wishing that she was feeling less well), she's had a bath and washed her hair, and she's asking for playdates ("NO!").
The real test will be at about 2pm when the Motrin wears off...
She's ravenous - I made her a cheese sandwich and mac and cheese for lunch at her request - and she hasn't had any further nausea or pain since this morning. She hasn't eaten her giant lunch (just a 1/4 sandwich and a few bites of pasta) but this is still a big improvement. She's back to tormenting the cat (the cat may have been wishing that she was feeling less well), she's had a bath and washed her hair, and she's asking for playdates ("NO!").
The real test will be at about 2pm when the Motrin wears off...
Embarrassed
My phone has been ringing off the hook for a week.
And I haven't answered it.
My mood has been bleak, irrational, grumpy, short-tempered, frightened...and embarassed by all of these things.
It's not "normal" to feel this way. It's not nice of me to hide away from people who care about me.
Please understand, I'm trying to work through it. I can't explain it, myself. I'm trying to figure out my own head.
And I haven't answered it.
My mood has been bleak, irrational, grumpy, short-tempered, frightened...and embarassed by all of these things.
It's not "normal" to feel this way. It's not nice of me to hide away from people who care about me.
Please understand, I'm trying to work through it. I can't explain it, myself. I'm trying to figure out my own head.
Monday
It was a long night...Tessa is having trouble sleeping these days, so she climbed into my bed and tossed and turned with me. Right on schedule, at midnight, her children's Motrin wore off, her fever climbed, and she felt awful. I think I actually slept between about 4am and 7am but the rest of the night was long.
Some of the restlessness was mine, not Tessa's. I've been having sleeping issues for months (years? I've lost track....but it's a post-diagnosis thing) and had resorted to taking Ambien CR at night, but of course I don't want to do that when I'm caring for Tessa; I need a clear head for her, and the other night she was up and crying and Ryan cared for her and I didn't even notice because the Ambien kept me sleeping. I didn't want to risk that with Ryan out of town. Anyway, I lay in bed tossing and turning myself. (The only good news? I read "The Constant Princess" in its entirety; it's one of the Phillapa Gregory series about the women of the court of King Henry VIII. Not as good as "The Other Boleyn Girl" but a good distraction anyway.)
But this morning, Tessa is playing ponies, singing to herself, and seemingly content. Her sweet voice is music to my ears; she appears to be feeling much better at this moment. She did have another Motrin this morning (she was hot, then cold, and she said her bones ached) but either it's working or she is starting to feel better.
On a totally different note...
A few days ago I watched Oprah (rather unusual for me) and it had an anti-clutter guy who has just published a book called "Does this clutter make my butt look fat?" Despite the silly title, I liked his premise: we clutter in lots of ways, and head, heart, home, and hips are all connected. Sometimes we walk in to a home with clutter, and our heads feel overwhelmed, we get sad, and we eat to avoid. It's pretty simple, but logical to me.
Anyway, it inspired me to do some decluttering in our home. It has been therapeutic; I don't feel like talking, I don't feel like thinking, and I don't know what TO do when I'm not caring for Tessa, so I started decluttering. The office was the first line of attack, as it's the worst part of our house, and it had gotten to the point where it wasn't functional. It's an ugly room (no carpet because of the flood, mismatched stuff, in need of paint, used to be a kitchen for the MIL suite, and the clutter-collector of our house), but it didn't need to be that ugly. I still haven't done the filing, but it's a billion times better.
I decluttered the top of the fridge. I decluttered my closet. I decluttered my dresser. I even decluttered some toys in the playroom (Tessa hasn't noticed yet; I think that this is a sign that she didn't care about those toys).
I want to get rid of some stuff. The theory is that too much stuff weighs one down. The declutter guy (Peter? I can't remember) said that clutter falls into two categories: "I might need it one day" and "memorabilia." In looking around our house, I think I'm relatively good with the memorabilia (I'm comfortable with it, in any case) but the "might need it" category is ridiculous.
Case in point: an old ski jacket. I got it when we lived in Bellingham, and it wasn't perfect when I got it. The style is outdated (duh), it's not best quality, and it's a size large. And yet....I kept holding on to it, thinking, well, I might need it some day, or we'll have a guest who needs it. Obviously that's ridiculous: I don't think I'd worn it in 8 years. It's clutter. It's in perfect shape, barely worn, but it's not useful. (It's gone now.)
There's also the consumerism component of all of this. The clutter buys into the "more is better" philosophy of Americans, and I'm (pardon the pun) not buying it.
My friend Jenny lived in Scotland for a time (hi Jenny) and has shared some of the European ideas about stuff (things) with me, and I have spent some time thinking about them. She said that having shabby, hand-me-down things in Scotland was a sign of class and sometimes of wealth. The thing is, the shabby things belonged to the upper class.
This bears some thinking.
I like it.
Hand me down things, of quality, speak of heritage. It speaks of understanding value. It's anti-consumerist. Things made to last; things meant to be handed down; things meant to stand the test of time...these are signs of wealth. Not the newest thing. Not the latest color.
My living room is like this; Grandpa Goddard's beautiful bookcase (our wedding gift); G.G.'s piano; Aunt Grace's dining room table and chair's; Mom & Dad S.'s sideboard.
My family room, downstairs, is old, but not quality....it's more garage-sale than anything else. I don't think that the philosophy is about having ugly things, it's about recognizing that quality things transcend trends and don't need replacing all the time. My family room needs work (although it's perfect for little kids jumping around, and it IS comfortable) and that's okay; my philosophy isn't to just take whatever, it's to recognize "enough".
So, in part of my pro-environment, pro-pocketbook, pro-spiritual quest, I'm trying to remember all of this. I'm trying to remember that the clutter IS making my butt look fat (ha), and that we have enough. That I do not need to collect bits of this and that just in case. That, like writing, the editing is more important than just about anything else. (Not that there is any editing here, but that's another problem to tackle another day.)
These are random thoughts, distracting me from the problems of the day. Today I'll tackle a new corner of clutter (there are always more) while Tessa rests.
Some of the restlessness was mine, not Tessa's. I've been having sleeping issues for months (years? I've lost track....but it's a post-diagnosis thing) and had resorted to taking Ambien CR at night, but of course I don't want to do that when I'm caring for Tessa; I need a clear head for her, and the other night she was up and crying and Ryan cared for her and I didn't even notice because the Ambien kept me sleeping. I didn't want to risk that with Ryan out of town. Anyway, I lay in bed tossing and turning myself. (The only good news? I read "The Constant Princess" in its entirety; it's one of the Phillapa Gregory series about the women of the court of King Henry VIII. Not as good as "The Other Boleyn Girl" but a good distraction anyway.)
But this morning, Tessa is playing ponies, singing to herself, and seemingly content. Her sweet voice is music to my ears; she appears to be feeling much better at this moment. She did have another Motrin this morning (she was hot, then cold, and she said her bones ached) but either it's working or she is starting to feel better.
On a totally different note...
A few days ago I watched Oprah (rather unusual for me) and it had an anti-clutter guy who has just published a book called "Does this clutter make my butt look fat?" Despite the silly title, I liked his premise: we clutter in lots of ways, and head, heart, home, and hips are all connected. Sometimes we walk in to a home with clutter, and our heads feel overwhelmed, we get sad, and we eat to avoid. It's pretty simple, but logical to me.
Anyway, it inspired me to do some decluttering in our home. It has been therapeutic; I don't feel like talking, I don't feel like thinking, and I don't know what TO do when I'm not caring for Tessa, so I started decluttering. The office was the first line of attack, as it's the worst part of our house, and it had gotten to the point where it wasn't functional. It's an ugly room (no carpet because of the flood, mismatched stuff, in need of paint, used to be a kitchen for the MIL suite, and the clutter-collector of our house), but it didn't need to be that ugly. I still haven't done the filing, but it's a billion times better.
I decluttered the top of the fridge. I decluttered my closet. I decluttered my dresser. I even decluttered some toys in the playroom (Tessa hasn't noticed yet; I think that this is a sign that she didn't care about those toys).
I want to get rid of some stuff. The theory is that too much stuff weighs one down. The declutter guy (Peter? I can't remember) said that clutter falls into two categories: "I might need it one day" and "memorabilia." In looking around our house, I think I'm relatively good with the memorabilia (I'm comfortable with it, in any case) but the "might need it" category is ridiculous.
Case in point: an old ski jacket. I got it when we lived in Bellingham, and it wasn't perfect when I got it. The style is outdated (duh), it's not best quality, and it's a size large. And yet....I kept holding on to it, thinking, well, I might need it some day, or we'll have a guest who needs it. Obviously that's ridiculous: I don't think I'd worn it in 8 years. It's clutter. It's in perfect shape, barely worn, but it's not useful. (It's gone now.)
There's also the consumerism component of all of this. The clutter buys into the "more is better" philosophy of Americans, and I'm (pardon the pun) not buying it.
My friend Jenny lived in Scotland for a time (hi Jenny) and has shared some of the European ideas about stuff (things) with me, and I have spent some time thinking about them. She said that having shabby, hand-me-down things in Scotland was a sign of class and sometimes of wealth. The thing is, the shabby things belonged to the upper class.
This bears some thinking.
I like it.
Hand me down things, of quality, speak of heritage. It speaks of understanding value. It's anti-consumerist. Things made to last; things meant to be handed down; things meant to stand the test of time...these are signs of wealth. Not the newest thing. Not the latest color.
My living room is like this; Grandpa Goddard's beautiful bookcase (our wedding gift); G.G.'s piano; Aunt Grace's dining room table and chair's; Mom & Dad S.'s sideboard.
My family room, downstairs, is old, but not quality....it's more garage-sale than anything else. I don't think that the philosophy is about having ugly things, it's about recognizing that quality things transcend trends and don't need replacing all the time. My family room needs work (although it's perfect for little kids jumping around, and it IS comfortable) and that's okay; my philosophy isn't to just take whatever, it's to recognize "enough".
So, in part of my pro-environment, pro-pocketbook, pro-spiritual quest, I'm trying to remember all of this. I'm trying to remember that the clutter IS making my butt look fat (ha), and that we have enough. That I do not need to collect bits of this and that just in case. That, like writing, the editing is more important than just about anything else. (Not that there is any editing here, but that's another problem to tackle another day.)
These are random thoughts, distracting me from the problems of the day. Today I'll tackle a new corner of clutter (there are always more) while Tessa rests.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Sunday update
It's been a quiet day. The good part of the quiet involved snuggling with Tessa, reading stories, and playing Play-Doh. The not-so-great part involved Tessa throwing up some more, fever, chills, lethargy.
Fortunately, I'm not nauseaus, and my headache has stayed at a dull roar.
Ryan called, safe on the east coast. He's had a long day, too, but I think this time I'd be happy to trade places.
It looks like we're going to have another quiet day tomorrow. I'd be hapyp if that form of quiet didn't involve any vomit. (Please.)
Fortunately, I'm not nauseaus, and my headache has stayed at a dull roar.
Ryan called, safe on the east coast. He's had a long day, too, but I think this time I'd be happy to trade places.
It looks like we're going to have another quiet day tomorrow. I'd be hapyp if that form of quiet didn't involve any vomit. (Please.)
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Triple sick
1. Detergent allergy.
...morphed into...
2. Upper respiratory bug (minor cold with post-nasal drip, sniffles, irritated throat with small cough)
...and now added...
3. Bug with throwing up and fever.
This morning Tessa was at 100.6. We gave her Motrin and her fever seemed to come down and her energy came up. We showed up for our 2:50 doctor's appt and Tessa christened the bushes (yuck) outside the lobby...thank goodness we made it back outside. In the doctor's office, her fever was 101.8 or something like that.
Apparently the vomiting lasts about a day in most kids; the fever lasts about 3 days. The vomiting is usually followed by diarrhea for a couple of days.
This is not improving my mood, needless to say. Fortunately, my mama instincts are strong, and I can put aside my own grumpiness for the sake of my daughter.
Ryan leaves at 6am tomorrow for the airport, returning late Wednesday night. (Business trip.)
Let's hope I don't get this. Let's hope Ryan doesn't get it on his trip. Let's hope I don't totally lose my mind dealing with it.
And our apologies to Anna, Kelton & Camille. According to the doc, Tessa was probably contagious starting yesterday, and Beth & Heather took care of Tessa at various times yesterday.
Please wish me luck with all of this...
...morphed into...
2. Upper respiratory bug (minor cold with post-nasal drip, sniffles, irritated throat with small cough)
...and now added...
3. Bug with throwing up and fever.
This morning Tessa was at 100.6. We gave her Motrin and her fever seemed to come down and her energy came up. We showed up for our 2:50 doctor's appt and Tessa christened the bushes (yuck) outside the lobby...thank goodness we made it back outside. In the doctor's office, her fever was 101.8 or something like that.
Apparently the vomiting lasts about a day in most kids; the fever lasts about 3 days. The vomiting is usually followed by diarrhea for a couple of days.
This is not improving my mood, needless to say. Fortunately, my mama instincts are strong, and I can put aside my own grumpiness for the sake of my daughter.
Ryan leaves at 6am tomorrow for the airport, returning late Wednesday night. (Business trip.)
Let's hope I don't get this. Let's hope Ryan doesn't get it on his trip. Let's hope I don't totally lose my mind dealing with it.
And our apologies to Anna, Kelton & Camille. According to the doc, Tessa was probably contagious starting yesterday, and Beth & Heather took care of Tessa at various times yesterday.
Please wish me luck with all of this...
Health updates
I'm still plodding along. I'm doing all of the "right" things to get my head in shape, and I'm paying close attention to my symptoms etc. I'll get through it.
Tessa has developed an illness. This morning she awoke with a fever (100.6, but I'm more concerned about symptoms for a week leading up to this). We have a doctor's appointment at 2:40 today at the children's clinic in West Seattle.
My mom is hanging in there, and discovering how tedious and difficult bedrest can be.
Ryan leaves for a business trip tomorrow, returning late Wednesday.
We will miss Nina's birthday party today. Happy birthday, Nina.
Tessa has developed an illness. This morning she awoke with a fever (100.6, but I'm more concerned about symptoms for a week leading up to this). We have a doctor's appointment at 2:40 today at the children's clinic in West Seattle.
My mom is hanging in there, and discovering how tedious and difficult bedrest can be.
Ryan leaves for a business trip tomorrow, returning late Wednesday.
We will miss Nina's birthday party today. Happy birthday, Nina.
Friday, February 08, 2008
Another day
I am slogging through it. I will get through it, but the path doesn't seem very clear. Ugh!
I took the old (smaller) dosage of Lexapro last night. The therapist pointed to some studies that show higher doses cause racing thoughts, etc. in some patients, particularly younger patients (teenagers). I'm no teenager but there is a correlation to my increased dosage and my crazy thoughts.
I just want to get past this. I want to be my usual, happy self. NOW. I don't even know myself when I feel like this.
I took the old (smaller) dosage of Lexapro last night. The therapist pointed to some studies that show higher doses cause racing thoughts, etc. in some patients, particularly younger patients (teenagers). I'm no teenager but there is a correlation to my increased dosage and my crazy thoughts.
I just want to get past this. I want to be my usual, happy self. NOW. I don't even know myself when I feel like this.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Meds gone wrong
For some people, anti-depressants have an opposite effect.
I spoke on the phone to my therapist, and she fears that this may be happening to me. I'm cutting my dosage in half to see if this helps. Counterintuitive, perhaps, but I'm game for almost anything.
I spoke on the phone to my therapist, and she fears that this may be happening to me. I'm cutting my dosage in half to see if this helps. Counterintuitive, perhaps, but I'm game for almost anything.
Thursday
My mood is bleak. If I snap at you, I apologize in advance. I'm trying to get in to my therapist to figure out what's going on: is it meds gone wrong, or I have I finally gone crazy?
My mom is coming home from the hospital today. Love you, Mom.
My mom is coming home from the hospital today. Love you, Mom.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Arghhh
I feel depression sweeping over me.
WHAT IS WITH THAT?
It's scary. It's strange. I can intellectualize it, but I can not seem to overcome it.
I doubled my Lexapro dosage last week, and I'm hoping it helps. But I don't like this one bit.
WHAT IS WITH THAT?
It's scary. It's strange. I can intellectualize it, but I can not seem to overcome it.
I doubled my Lexapro dosage last week, and I'm hoping it helps. But I don't like this one bit.
Monday, February 04, 2008
Mom's okay!
We spent the evening with my parents. We were able to see my mom as she was being wheeled out of recovery, and we spent a couple of hours with her.
My mom looks fabulous. It was hard to believe that she had just been on an operating room table for a couple of hours! We had a nice chat. :-)
I love you, Mom. I'm there for you - see you tomorrow!
My mom looks fabulous. It was hard to believe that she had just been on an operating room table for a couple of hours! We had a nice chat. :-)
I love you, Mom. I'm there for you - see you tomorrow!
New Culprit: Laundry Detergent
News update on Tessa's "dust allergy."
The stuffed animals were NOT the culprit!
At gymnastics today, as I got Tessa into her outfit, I noticed red bumps on her belly, and realized that she had hives. She said that they itched, and I couldn't figure it out...
Until I realized. The other change was laundry detergent! We switched brands (temporarily, I promise!) and Tessa is having a reaction.
Last night, Tessa was wearing some warm, fleecy PJs, and in the middle of the night Ryan switched her into some lighter cotton ones because she was pulling at her PJs and Ryan thought she might be hot. After that, Tessa slept much better. The cotton PJs hadn't been washed in the new detergent, but the others had.
When I thought that the problem was dust, I washed Tessa's favorite stuffed animals...in the new detergent. After gymnastics, I handed her a (slightly damp) Bear so that she could possibly start sleeping in the car. Her reaction? Instant coughing and a sneeze or two.
I have no doubt that it's the detergent. It's amazing to me that it can cause such a reaction!
Tonight we stopped at Trader Joe's to get new detergent. Our usual TJs detergent wasn't available....let's hope that the liquid version is the same chemical content as our usual powder, because I don't want to go through this again.
Needless to say, I'm sick of laundry. I've washed Tessa's sheets and stuffed animals twice today, and now need to go through her closet and re-wash things...
The stuffed animals were NOT the culprit!
At gymnastics today, as I got Tessa into her outfit, I noticed red bumps on her belly, and realized that she had hives. She said that they itched, and I couldn't figure it out...
Until I realized. The other change was laundry detergent! We switched brands (temporarily, I promise!) and Tessa is having a reaction.
Last night, Tessa was wearing some warm, fleecy PJs, and in the middle of the night Ryan switched her into some lighter cotton ones because she was pulling at her PJs and Ryan thought she might be hot. After that, Tessa slept much better. The cotton PJs hadn't been washed in the new detergent, but the others had.
When I thought that the problem was dust, I washed Tessa's favorite stuffed animals...in the new detergent. After gymnastics, I handed her a (slightly damp) Bear so that she could possibly start sleeping in the car. Her reaction? Instant coughing and a sneeze or two.
I have no doubt that it's the detergent. It's amazing to me that it can cause such a reaction!
Tonight we stopped at Trader Joe's to get new detergent. Our usual TJs detergent wasn't available....let's hope that the liquid version is the same chemical content as our usual powder, because I don't want to go through this again.
Needless to say, I'm sick of laundry. I've washed Tessa's sheets and stuffed animals twice today, and now need to go through her closet and re-wash things...
Prayers for Mom
In about an hour, my mom will be admitted to the hospital to have a knee replacement surgery. We will be praying that the surgery goes well, that her pain is manageable....and that this is the solution to resolve her knee problems and get her up and going in her "usual" self.
Mom, I love you. We are looking forward to supporting you. We are there for you!
My mother has waited for me to do countless surgeries (okay, 11 - 3 sinus ones in my teens and early twenties; 8 breast cancer related ones recently). She has prayed for me, stood by me, taken care of me. Now, it's my turn to care for her. I'm looking through cookbooks for perfect meals to bring, making cards with Tessa, and getting ready to mother my mother.
It is with gratitude in my heart that I do this. I am so lucky to have my mom, and to have her support. I'm glad to show her with my actions how I feel about her.
Please include my mom in your prayers, and throw in some prayers for my dad, too, as he's understandably concerned for his beloved wife.
Mom, I love you. We are looking forward to supporting you. We are there for you!
My mother has waited for me to do countless surgeries (okay, 11 - 3 sinus ones in my teens and early twenties; 8 breast cancer related ones recently). She has prayed for me, stood by me, taken care of me. Now, it's my turn to care for her. I'm looking through cookbooks for perfect meals to bring, making cards with Tessa, and getting ready to mother my mother.
It is with gratitude in my heart that I do this. I am so lucky to have my mom, and to have her support. I'm glad to show her with my actions how I feel about her.
Please include my mom in your prayers, and throw in some prayers for my dad, too, as he's understandably concerned for his beloved wife.
Ah HA!
Two nights ago, Tessa coughed through the night....a light, dry cough, but it lasted all night. We thought "uh oh" and canceled all activities....and she seemed fine all day yesterday, so we thought we'd over-reacted.
Last night, Tessa coughed more violently ALL night. She cried, tossed and turned, and we brought her into our bed to monitor her and comfort her. It was a rough night for the whole family, and I started to be very concerned about poor Tessa.
Then, this morning, she's her chipper self. (Four cups of coffee, and I'm still not fully awake, but that's another story.)
I called the nurses' line at the clinic, totally confused by this turn of events.
The nurse asked all the usual questions: Fever? No. Croup/barking cough? No. Pain? No, only in the throat from coughing.
Then, the new question: Anything new in her room? Any new possible dust source? Ummmm, no. Any new stuffed animals?
YES! We got a couple of hand-me-down darling stuffed animals from a friend who had outgrown them, and she loves them, and started sleeping with them. BINGO! That's it!
Phew. What a relief. All of said stuffed animals are being washed, along with Blanket and Bear, and all bedding. We hope for a quiet night tonight.
Last night, Tessa coughed more violently ALL night. She cried, tossed and turned, and we brought her into our bed to monitor her and comfort her. It was a rough night for the whole family, and I started to be very concerned about poor Tessa.
Then, this morning, she's her chipper self. (Four cups of coffee, and I'm still not fully awake, but that's another story.)
I called the nurses' line at the clinic, totally confused by this turn of events.
The nurse asked all the usual questions: Fever? No. Croup/barking cough? No. Pain? No, only in the throat from coughing.
Then, the new question: Anything new in her room? Any new possible dust source? Ummmm, no. Any new stuffed animals?
YES! We got a couple of hand-me-down darling stuffed animals from a friend who had outgrown them, and she loves them, and started sleeping with them. BINGO! That's it!
Phew. What a relief. All of said stuffed animals are being washed, along with Blanket and Bear, and all bedding. We hope for a quiet night tonight.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
Quiet Sunday
Yesterday, at the end of the day, Tessa got unusually quiet, complained of achiness and an earache, and fell asleep before dinner as she sat on my lap. Uh-oh - a sleepy girl is a sure sign of illness.
She coughed lightly through the night, and she's been sneezing. Another cold has arrived, it seems. We're keeping the tissue box close at hand.
She's in good spirits this morning, but we are having a quiet day. Ryan went to church because it was our turn to bring refreshments and one of us needed to be there; it made sense for Ryan to attend because he'll be on a business trip next week and will need to miss out. I'm always sad to miss the service, because I find it so calming, but there will be lots of opportunities to attend.
This morning I find myself humming hymns to myself, so it feels like I'm present at WSUU even though I'm here.
Tessa and I have been working on lettering and counting this morning, sitting at the kitchen table together. G.G. gave Tessa a great book with wipe-clean pages and markers, and Tessa has been practicing counting and writing her numbers. I'm glad that she is at last expressing an interest in counting - like her Mama she's much more interested in words than numbers, but there is room for balance.
A quiet day. Time for puzzles, stories, and maybe even an episode of Clifford.
Tonight I hope to attend the yoga class at the YMCA - that will be some good centering time.
She coughed lightly through the night, and she's been sneezing. Another cold has arrived, it seems. We're keeping the tissue box close at hand.
She's in good spirits this morning, but we are having a quiet day. Ryan went to church because it was our turn to bring refreshments and one of us needed to be there; it made sense for Ryan to attend because he'll be on a business trip next week and will need to miss out. I'm always sad to miss the service, because I find it so calming, but there will be lots of opportunities to attend.
This morning I find myself humming hymns to myself, so it feels like I'm present at WSUU even though I'm here.
Tessa and I have been working on lettering and counting this morning, sitting at the kitchen table together. G.G. gave Tessa a great book with wipe-clean pages and markers, and Tessa has been practicing counting and writing her numbers. I'm glad that she is at last expressing an interest in counting - like her Mama she's much more interested in words than numbers, but there is room for balance.
A quiet day. Time for puzzles, stories, and maybe even an episode of Clifford.
Tonight I hope to attend the yoga class at the YMCA - that will be some good centering time.
Saturday, February 02, 2008
Saturday
I got the response from Dr. Rinn, and went off the Neurontin. We'll see how things change. Last night the hot flashes woke me up several times, whereas on Neurontin I was sleeping better, but c'est la vie.
Today we planned on going snowshoeing with some PEPS friends, but the weather didn't cooperate - too much snow. The passes were still closed last night, and we decided that even if they opened in time, we didn't want to risk avalanches, snow on the roadway, etc. Bummer. We'll try again next weekend.
We did have a fun morning, though. The group that had planned on snowshoeing got together at Lincoln Park for some play time, and it was great to be outdoors on a dry day. We had an impromptu lunch afterwards ("I've got cheese" "I've got soup" "I'll bring fruit") and everyone, adults and kids, had a great time.
Now, Tessa and I are home, Ryan's on a ride with Paul, and the evening looks quiet. That's nice, actually.
Today we planned on going snowshoeing with some PEPS friends, but the weather didn't cooperate - too much snow. The passes were still closed last night, and we decided that even if they opened in time, we didn't want to risk avalanches, snow on the roadway, etc. Bummer. We'll try again next weekend.
We did have a fun morning, though. The group that had planned on snowshoeing got together at Lincoln Park for some play time, and it was great to be outdoors on a dry day. We had an impromptu lunch afterwards ("I've got cheese" "I've got soup" "I'll bring fruit") and everyone, adults and kids, had a great time.
Now, Tessa and I are home, Ryan's on a ride with Paul, and the evening looks quiet. That's nice, actually.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
hmmm
I have the gift, or the burden, of being pretty introspective.
On the one hand, my brain is able to say, "I find it interesting that you are so unmotivated. This looks like creeping depression, and there are steps you need to take to improve things. First...." (and then a list ensues, like call therapist, adjust anti-depressant, do meditation, keep gratitude lists, etc. etc.).
And on the other hand, I just want to pout and moan and be a grouch, and frankly, I feel rather entitled to do so.
I'm looking into side effects of Neurontin and Actonel, because those are my new drugs, and I feel like my mood has altered for the worse in the last week, since I started them.
I'm okay. The world is not ending. It just takes a lot more effort to be on time, to read my email, to return phone calls, to fold laundry than it should. This too shall pass.
Edited to add:
I just checked, and one of the side effects of Neurontin is "changes in mood," for which it says I should contact my doctor immediately. I emailed the fabulous Dr. Rinn to see what she says. My gut instinct says that this is it, but my gut instinct is not always correct. Frankly, I'd rather go back to sleeplessness than to feel this lousy, so my fingers are crossed that this IS the problem.
On the one hand, my brain is able to say, "I find it interesting that you are so unmotivated. This looks like creeping depression, and there are steps you need to take to improve things. First...." (and then a list ensues, like call therapist, adjust anti-depressant, do meditation, keep gratitude lists, etc. etc.).
And on the other hand, I just want to pout and moan and be a grouch, and frankly, I feel rather entitled to do so.
I'm looking into side effects of Neurontin and Actonel, because those are my new drugs, and I feel like my mood has altered for the worse in the last week, since I started them.
I'm okay. The world is not ending. It just takes a lot more effort to be on time, to read my email, to return phone calls, to fold laundry than it should. This too shall pass.
Edited to add:
I just checked, and one of the side effects of Neurontin is "changes in mood," for which it says I should contact my doctor immediately. I emailed the fabulous Dr. Rinn to see what she says. My gut instinct says that this is it, but my gut instinct is not always correct. Frankly, I'd rather go back to sleeplessness than to feel this lousy, so my fingers are crossed that this IS the problem.
taking a break
Here is the letter I sent to Komen today.
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I am sorry that I have fallen off the map in the past week or so, with so many deadlines. I love the work with Komen, and I know how important it is.
I am coming to the realization (slowly and uncomfortably) that I need to take a break from dealing with breast cancer issues. Despite my desire to be active, hands-on with Komen, I am finding that it is taking an emotional toll. I am still struggling with the effects of my treatment and the handful of pills that I continue to take, and I need to schedule another surgery, and my mind is bogged down with thoughts of cancer. Unfortunately, though my work at Komen is positive, I think that it's adding to my inability to move on to a post-cancer space right now.
So, with regret, and with many apologies (and no small amount of embarrassment), I need to bow out for a while. Perhaps before this year's race, and certainly next year, I will be back, but in a better head space. I am spending some time trying to figure out my boundaries with cancer issues, and finding a better balance in my life. Next year Tessa will be in kindergarten and I won't have to juggle the times so much, and that will help, too.
My apologies for the inconvenience that I know this causes you.
-------------
I feel weird about it, and have all kinds of other emotions as well, but I think it's what I need to do.
I wish this were not the case.
---------
I am sorry that I have fallen off the map in the past week or so, with so many deadlines. I love the work with Komen, and I know how important it is.
I am coming to the realization (slowly and uncomfortably) that I need to take a break from dealing with breast cancer issues. Despite my desire to be active, hands-on with Komen, I am finding that it is taking an emotional toll. I am still struggling with the effects of my treatment and the handful of pills that I continue to take, and I need to schedule another surgery, and my mind is bogged down with thoughts of cancer. Unfortunately, though my work at Komen is positive, I think that it's adding to my inability to move on to a post-cancer space right now.
So, with regret, and with many apologies (and no small amount of embarrassment), I need to bow out for a while. Perhaps before this year's race, and certainly next year, I will be back, but in a better head space. I am spending some time trying to figure out my boundaries with cancer issues, and finding a better balance in my life. Next year Tessa will be in kindergarten and I won't have to juggle the times so much, and that will help, too.
My apologies for the inconvenience that I know this causes you.
-------------
I feel weird about it, and have all kinds of other emotions as well, but I think it's what I need to do.
I wish this were not the case.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Slow learner
I was just thinking....in regard to cancer, I'm a slow learner.
What i mean by that is that I feel like I'm still in major treatment. I haven't moved on. I look at my posts here, and most of them reference cancer or treatment in some way. Two and a half years later, and I'm still in Cancerland.
In some ways, this makes me chastise myself. I have enough stage IV friends to know how ridiculous it is for me to obsess on this. My stage IV friends are out living their lives, parenting their children, working at their jobs, participating in their communities, etc. And here I am, "only" early stage, and not moving on.
Part of this is because of the aggressive level of treatment I've insisted upon. I still see my onc every three months; it's only a couple of months since I stopped going to the chemo ward regularly to get Herceptin. My recon is (by my own standards) a mess, and I'm still not done with surgeries. I take major handfuls of pills throughout the day, and I feel their side effects.
I also know early stage breast cancer women who have moved on, who aren't immersing themselves in these thoughts, who have mostly put cancer behind them. I envy that. Will I ever get to that stage?
I'm trying to learn.
For me, part of going to church is about learning this process. At WSUU, I'm hoping to find ways in which to encourage peace within my self. I'm doing lots of reading on issues of spirituality to supplement that learning. I'm trying to find my way out of the fog.
But I think I'm a slow learner in this regard.
What i mean by that is that I feel like I'm still in major treatment. I haven't moved on. I look at my posts here, and most of them reference cancer or treatment in some way. Two and a half years later, and I'm still in Cancerland.
In some ways, this makes me chastise myself. I have enough stage IV friends to know how ridiculous it is for me to obsess on this. My stage IV friends are out living their lives, parenting their children, working at their jobs, participating in their communities, etc. And here I am, "only" early stage, and not moving on.
Part of this is because of the aggressive level of treatment I've insisted upon. I still see my onc every three months; it's only a couple of months since I stopped going to the chemo ward regularly to get Herceptin. My recon is (by my own standards) a mess, and I'm still not done with surgeries. I take major handfuls of pills throughout the day, and I feel their side effects.
I also know early stage breast cancer women who have moved on, who aren't immersing themselves in these thoughts, who have mostly put cancer behind them. I envy that. Will I ever get to that stage?
I'm trying to learn.
For me, part of going to church is about learning this process. At WSUU, I'm hoping to find ways in which to encourage peace within my self. I'm doing lots of reading on issues of spirituality to supplement that learning. I'm trying to find my way out of the fog.
But I think I'm a slow learner in this regard.
Drug update
On Monday, I took my first Actonel (bisphosphonate - bone builder). I am required to take it once a week, and when I take it, I need to abstain from food and drink (except water to wash it down) for a minimum of a half hour, and I need to remain upright. This is generally not a problem, as I don't wake up hungry (I'd happily skip breakfast except I know I shouldn't) although waiting for coffee makes me rather sad! The drug often causes nausea and flu-like symptoms, especially after the first couple of doses, and that may be why I felt lousy last night. I felt achy and tired beyond belief, but woke up feeling more normal. I'm relieved that this is all I'm experiencing from this med, as the list of side effects is long and scary.
I also went for my annual exam with my G.P. yesterday. We reviewed my cholesterol levels (210) and she explained that the overall number is misleading because my LDL is within acceptable levels and my HDL is above the minimum, so I'm actually doing quite well in that regard. Unfortunately (because I find it unpleasant) even though my cervix has been removed I still need annual pap smears - whatever! - but apparently everything looked normal.
I also discussed all the meds I'm taking, including Lexapro. I've been at the lowest dose (10mg), and we agreed to up it to the next highest dose (20mg). I am certainly still not myself, and if I can get chemical help with that, I'll take it.
Depression is very interesting. It's hard to tell what is "life" (when life involves cancer treatment, bills, and the rest, it's understandable that not everything would be 100% rosy) and what is depression. It's hard to tell how I feel; it's hard to tell if things are in order. I do know that I would generally classify myself as an eternal optimist, as a very happy person, as someone who seeks and finds joy....and I know that it seems a lot harder these days. I find myself having negative thoughts and then the "sane" part of my brain says "whoa! back up, and stop being so negative!" but these thoughts surprise me. I'm used to expecting the best of the world, and when I find my mind moaning and complaining and (worst of all) resigned to the fact that things just suck and there's nothing I can do about it....well, then I know I need help. We'll see if Lexapro has some answers for me. I don't want to be Debbie Downer.
I do wonder if the reason I'm so tired is depression, or something else. I will say that the sleeping aids (Neurontin) seem to be helping, and so maybe I can catch up.
I also went for my annual exam with my G.P. yesterday. We reviewed my cholesterol levels (210) and she explained that the overall number is misleading because my LDL is within acceptable levels and my HDL is above the minimum, so I'm actually doing quite well in that regard. Unfortunately (because I find it unpleasant) even though my cervix has been removed I still need annual pap smears - whatever! - but apparently everything looked normal.
I also discussed all the meds I'm taking, including Lexapro. I've been at the lowest dose (10mg), and we agreed to up it to the next highest dose (20mg). I am certainly still not myself, and if I can get chemical help with that, I'll take it.
Depression is very interesting. It's hard to tell what is "life" (when life involves cancer treatment, bills, and the rest, it's understandable that not everything would be 100% rosy) and what is depression. It's hard to tell how I feel; it's hard to tell if things are in order. I do know that I would generally classify myself as an eternal optimist, as a very happy person, as someone who seeks and finds joy....and I know that it seems a lot harder these days. I find myself having negative thoughts and then the "sane" part of my brain says "whoa! back up, and stop being so negative!" but these thoughts surprise me. I'm used to expecting the best of the world, and when I find my mind moaning and complaining and (worst of all) resigned to the fact that things just suck and there's nothing I can do about it....well, then I know I need help. We'll see if Lexapro has some answers for me. I don't want to be Debbie Downer.
I do wonder if the reason I'm so tired is depression, or something else. I will say that the sleeping aids (Neurontin) seem to be helping, and so maybe I can catch up.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Girl party
Well, Tessa's week of birthday is coming to an end...at last. Mama's tired!
Today's dog and cat themed party was a success, and we think that Tessa and her girlfriends had a good time. We kept it small - just Tessa and five guests - and did lots of crafts.
Friday, January 25, 2008
More drugs
Well, today I visited with the onc (love her!) and picked up four new prescriptions. For a gal who does not enjoy taking drugs, this is a bit disheartening.
To my current list of:
aromatase inhibitor
thyroid hormone replacement
anti-depressant
I'm adding:
Bisphosphenate (bone density builder)
Nerve pain drug (to help with hot flashes - another usage)
Sleep aid (because I wake up more than I can count each night and I'm exhausted as a result)
Antibiotic (for my sinus infection)
Plus, I need more vitamin D, in addition to all of the calcium I'm taking
With each drug, comes side effects. These can range from the barely noticeable to the miserable to the lethal. No trick guessing what I'm hoping for in that regard! Suffice it to say that I've held off for a long time on adding new drugs to my regimen, but it's time.
Two and a half years out, and this is what I'm doing. Wow. "Over" isn't in my vocabulary.
And I got a referral to another plastic surgeon to look at corrections. I'm not sure when I'll follow up, but eventually I will. I do not want to look like this forever.
Additional notes:
My CEA, CA 125 and CA 27.29 (all cancer markers) came back with all of the correct results: no evidence of disease or progression today. Excellent news.
Dr. Rinn suggests that I avoid further scans, as research shows that at this point they're not of much value to me. (Girls, get your mammograms. Don't forget that my boobs don't have real breast tissue, so mammograms aren't for me....but they ARE for you!) I'm relieved. The scans make me totally freak out, and studies show that, at my stage of treatment, they don't even prolong life, so forget about it. Needless to say, if I present with symptoms, I'll get scans, but I can avoid routine scans now.
(This is not quackery or hiding my head in the sand. The evidence is well documented in large studies presented in adjudicated medical journals. I promise.)
Additionally, I'm learning that bisphosphonates are often used to prevent and treat bone mets, and that some clinical trials are showing them to be excellent at preventing or halting the progression of bone mets. I'm doing the bone strengtheners because of issues with osteoporosis, but I'm delighted that additionally they may fend off the beast.
To my current list of:
aromatase inhibitor
thyroid hormone replacement
anti-depressant
I'm adding:
Bisphosphenate (bone density builder)
Nerve pain drug (to help with hot flashes - another usage)
Sleep aid (because I wake up more than I can count each night and I'm exhausted as a result)
Antibiotic (for my sinus infection)
Plus, I need more vitamin D, in addition to all of the calcium I'm taking
With each drug, comes side effects. These can range from the barely noticeable to the miserable to the lethal. No trick guessing what I'm hoping for in that regard! Suffice it to say that I've held off for a long time on adding new drugs to my regimen, but it's time.
Two and a half years out, and this is what I'm doing. Wow. "Over" isn't in my vocabulary.
And I got a referral to another plastic surgeon to look at corrections. I'm not sure when I'll follow up, but eventually I will. I do not want to look like this forever.
Additional notes:
My CEA, CA 125 and CA 27.29 (all cancer markers) came back with all of the correct results: no evidence of disease or progression today. Excellent news.
Dr. Rinn suggests that I avoid further scans, as research shows that at this point they're not of much value to me. (Girls, get your mammograms. Don't forget that my boobs don't have real breast tissue, so mammograms aren't for me....but they ARE for you!) I'm relieved. The scans make me totally freak out, and studies show that, at my stage of treatment, they don't even prolong life, so forget about it. Needless to say, if I present with symptoms, I'll get scans, but I can avoid routine scans now.
(This is not quackery or hiding my head in the sand. The evidence is well documented in large studies presented in adjudicated medical journals. I promise.)
Additionally, I'm learning that bisphosphonates are often used to prevent and treat bone mets, and that some clinical trials are showing them to be excellent at preventing or halting the progression of bone mets. I'm doing the bone strengtheners because of issues with osteoporosis, but I'm delighted that additionally they may fend off the beast.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Follow up from last night's post
Here is the post I put on YSC today. I'm struggling with these questions. Anyone have answers for me?
------------
So there I am, going along my merry way, 2.5 years NED, and these stupid thoughts are still driving me.
This year, my daughter turned 5 (yesterday). I threw her three parties (two down, one to go). First, a family party with family and family friends (a pool party); then, a PEPS party (a group we belong to with 7 families; we met when our kids were newborns and are very close); then, a "girlfriends" party with five of her best friends (that one will have traditional birthday games, a pinata, etc.). It's a bit much - heck, as a kid I didn't count on ONE birthday party, and my kid thinks that three is perfectly normal.
So as I was cleaning up last night after party number two, I was feeling exhausted and wondering why the hell we went so overboard.
The answer struck me with complete clarity: if I won't get to see her 16th birthday party, at least I can throw her 16 parties. If I'm going to die, then I better give her every bit of love and adoration and "special" time possible before I go.
What the hell? I thought I was just having a good time with my child, and suddenly it occurs to me that I'm living my life as if I don't have much time left. When did that start? Am I still leading my life as a cancer victim, and not a survivor?
I really thought I was further along than this. It's so frustrating to find myself really stuck in these thoughts when I thought I was more at peace. Anyone else? How do I move on? What's your advice? Or is anyone struggling like this with me?
I'm two and a half years out. Why is this taking so long? (stamps foot)
------------
So there I am, going along my merry way, 2.5 years NED, and these stupid thoughts are still driving me.
This year, my daughter turned 5 (yesterday). I threw her three parties (two down, one to go). First, a family party with family and family friends (a pool party); then, a PEPS party (a group we belong to with 7 families; we met when our kids were newborns and are very close); then, a "girlfriends" party with five of her best friends (that one will have traditional birthday games, a pinata, etc.). It's a bit much - heck, as a kid I didn't count on ONE birthday party, and my kid thinks that three is perfectly normal.
So as I was cleaning up last night after party number two, I was feeling exhausted and wondering why the hell we went so overboard.
The answer struck me with complete clarity: if I won't get to see her 16th birthday party, at least I can throw her 16 parties. If I'm going to die, then I better give her every bit of love and adoration and "special" time possible before I go.
What the hell? I thought I was just having a good time with my child, and suddenly it occurs to me that I'm living my life as if I don't have much time left. When did that start? Am I still leading my life as a cancer victim, and not a survivor?
I really thought I was further along than this. It's so frustrating to find myself really stuck in these thoughts when I thought I was more at peace. Anyone else? How do I move on? What's your advice? Or is anyone struggling like this with me?
I'm two and a half years out. Why is this taking so long? (stamps foot)
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
At the end of the day
At the end of each day, my sinus headaches rage and I feel overwhelmed. This has gone on for a week - may be time for a trip to the doc. I hate visiting doctors; I feel that my time in waiting rooms is such a waste, and I've already wasted so much time.
Tonight I'm particularly tired because it was Tessa's party. I hung streamers, blew up balloons, made two cakes (chocolate bundt cake with chocolate glaze; and chocolate layer cake with raspberry vanilla frosting), cleaned, tidied, and tried to give Tessa a great day. Now her friends (and mine!) are gone, and the house is coming back to itself, and the toys are put away.
Tonight, it occurs to me that I am overdoing it because a) that's what I do but also b) because if I die, I want Tessa to remember how much her mama was willing to do for her. I want her to remember her time with me as magical.
I am not planning my death, but it does seem that I feel extra pressure to do things "just in case." This year we're throwing her three birthday parties, and that's excessive. Unless I think that I'll miss most of the parties in her life. And yet, I do feel healthy, and mostly optimistic about the future, so this doesn't make any sense. Time for another trip to the therapist.
But first, a Motrin, and then bed.
Tonight I'm particularly tired because it was Tessa's party. I hung streamers, blew up balloons, made two cakes (chocolate bundt cake with chocolate glaze; and chocolate layer cake with raspberry vanilla frosting), cleaned, tidied, and tried to give Tessa a great day. Now her friends (and mine!) are gone, and the house is coming back to itself, and the toys are put away.
Tonight, it occurs to me that I am overdoing it because a) that's what I do but also b) because if I die, I want Tessa to remember how much her mama was willing to do for her. I want her to remember her time with me as magical.
I am not planning my death, but it does seem that I feel extra pressure to do things "just in case." This year we're throwing her three birthday parties, and that's excessive. Unless I think that I'll miss most of the parties in her life. And yet, I do feel healthy, and mostly optimistic about the future, so this doesn't make any sense. Time for another trip to the therapist.
But first, a Motrin, and then bed.
Happy birthday, sweet girl
As I write this, my five year old is playing "pony set up" with Anna, happy as a clam. I'm hearing their creative imaginings as they contrive elaborate stories about good ponies and mean ponies and all that they do, and Tessa is in heaven about it all.
Five years ago, at this time, I was lying in a hospital bed at Swedish, holding Ryan's hand, talking to Susan & Libby, and looking at my huge belly and wondering how a baby would ever emerge from my body. (Even having experienced giving birth, I still find it somewhat confusing that it's even possible...but that's another post.) I was filled with excitement and anticipation, and couldn't even imagine what it would be like to hold my child in my arms, but I knew that it was what I wanted more than I'd ever wanted anything in my life.
At 4:08pm on this day five years ago, when Tessa took her first breath, Ryan softly said, "It's Tessa!" and I learned that I had a daughter. I can still barely believe my good fortune of that moment: I've said it before, and I'll say it again...I would have adored a son, but I had always wanted a daughter. Tessa truly is the child I spent my lifetime dreaming about. She is all I have ever wished for, and more. In my dreams, I never understood just how much I could love a child, but Tessa has taught me.
In these first five years together, as a family, we have experienced so much. There have been more joys than I can count, along with (more than?) our share of sorrow. Throughout it all, Tessa has been the glue that held us together.
Ryan is the father I hoped he would be. He is funny, strong, and encouraging of his daughter. Tessa, needless to say, adores him. When I watch my husband and child play together, I know that I gave Tessa the best gift of all by choosing such an amazing father for her, and my heart is filled with the two of them.
Today, as I bake cakes, hang streamers, and prepare for the PEPS gang to come over, I do it with gladness. Sure, I'm trying to give Tessa a fabulous birthday, but it's also my own celebration. Five years of being a family; five years of learning how deeply we can love one another; five years of talking about the beauty of dewdrops and how much fun it is to go on the swings and petting every dog that walks by us. Five years of childhood magic, even in the middle of temper tantrums and messes and billions of loads of laundry. It is more worth it than I ever imagined.
Happy birthday, Tessa. I love you, sweetheart. Thank you for being you!
Monday, January 21, 2008
Just a cold, but still...
Two years ago at this time I was fighting radiation burns. I was bald from chemo. I was 40 pounds overweight from steroids etc. with chemo. I think it would be fair to say that I was miserable, and that I am so, so glad that I am no longer in that horrible position.
Today, I still have a cold, and it may be turning into a sinus infection. It feels ridiculous to make a big deal out of a cold, when I have endured so much worse, but really, it's not fun to have a cold. It's a molehill, not a mountain, but it's my molehill, and it's a pain.
I still judge just about everything in my life by the cancer yardstick, and this is no exception. A cold is pretty manageable compared to cancer, and it's nothing I can't live with (after all, it doesn't threaten to kill me). I suspect that for the rest of my life, everything will be compared with cancer, for better or for worse, and this fact saddens me (I'm certainly not over it). I wish I could just moan about my cold and accept it for what it is, without the comparison. Why this is difficult for me, I am not certain.
Perhaps the cold is even more frustrating because I fought cancer. Do I have to fight a freakin' cold, too? No fair! I almost laugh that I'm protesting the fairness of a cold, because I don't recall asking "why me?" about cancer (and I even wrote a post about that early on, about "why me" isn't something I think about). I guess I'm a late bloomer in this regard, because my cold is really irritating me. I've had it for a week, it's not getting better, and I'm tired when I have things I ought to be doing. (The Komen work has a huge chunk done but SO much more to do.)
And I want to be a playful mom for Tessa's birthday week. And there are dozens of cupcakes to make....
One day at a time....one day at a time.... It's just a cold. I can deal with this. I've dealt with worse.
Wah.
(But I have been having good times, too, despite my current whininess. Heather watched Tessa today so I could work on Komen, and then we visited and had dinner together. Lovely times. And yesterday's pool party was fabulous. But my sinus headache keeps coming back. Wah.)
Today, I still have a cold, and it may be turning into a sinus infection. It feels ridiculous to make a big deal out of a cold, when I have endured so much worse, but really, it's not fun to have a cold. It's a molehill, not a mountain, but it's my molehill, and it's a pain.
I still judge just about everything in my life by the cancer yardstick, and this is no exception. A cold is pretty manageable compared to cancer, and it's nothing I can't live with (after all, it doesn't threaten to kill me). I suspect that for the rest of my life, everything will be compared with cancer, for better or for worse, and this fact saddens me (I'm certainly not over it). I wish I could just moan about my cold and accept it for what it is, without the comparison. Why this is difficult for me, I am not certain.
Perhaps the cold is even more frustrating because I fought cancer. Do I have to fight a freakin' cold, too? No fair! I almost laugh that I'm protesting the fairness of a cold, because I don't recall asking "why me?" about cancer (and I even wrote a post about that early on, about "why me" isn't something I think about). I guess I'm a late bloomer in this regard, because my cold is really irritating me. I've had it for a week, it's not getting better, and I'm tired when I have things I ought to be doing. (The Komen work has a huge chunk done but SO much more to do.)
And I want to be a playful mom for Tessa's birthday week. And there are dozens of cupcakes to make....
One day at a time....one day at a time.... It's just a cold. I can deal with this. I've dealt with worse.
Wah.
(But I have been having good times, too, despite my current whininess. Heather watched Tessa today so I could work on Komen, and then we visited and had dinner together. Lovely times. And yesterday's pool party was fabulous. But my sinus headache keeps coming back. Wah.)
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Pictures!
Here are some of the latest. With all these birthday parties, there are sure to be more soon.
Five years
This week, Tessa turns five.
I find this fact somewhat bewildering. How on earth is it possible that she's so big? When she was an infant, I was so overwhelmed by the largeness of her tinyness; when she was a toddler I thought maybe she'd stay that way forever. But time marches on, and I find myself the mother of a precocious pre-kindergartener. I wouldn't change it, but I'm bewildered anyway.
This is a week of birthday: today is the family party at the pool; this Wednesday we'll have PEPS at our house to celebrate; and on Sunday she's having a few very close girlfriends over for her "girl party" (she really IS my daughter!). Yesterday she and I made chocolate cakes together, and today we frosted them with rasperry icing (home made; the raspberry tastes good but best of all it makes the frosting pink) and Tessa was in charge of putting on the sprinkles.
I will try to love every celebration, and not get caught up in my "to-do" lists for each party. I will remember that it's about the joy of her birth, about the celebration of her life, about the relationships she shares with others. I will try to remember that it's okay if the food's not perfect, if somebody gets sick and can't come, if our parties aren't as extravagent as others'. I will try to remember to laugh, and to share Tessa's pleasure at the small things: a balloon that's just the right color; putting up streamers.
Happy birthday, Tessa. I love you!
I find this fact somewhat bewildering. How on earth is it possible that she's so big? When she was an infant, I was so overwhelmed by the largeness of her tinyness; when she was a toddler I thought maybe she'd stay that way forever. But time marches on, and I find myself the mother of a precocious pre-kindergartener. I wouldn't change it, but I'm bewildered anyway.
This is a week of birthday: today is the family party at the pool; this Wednesday we'll have PEPS at our house to celebrate; and on Sunday she's having a few very close girlfriends over for her "girl party" (she really IS my daughter!). Yesterday she and I made chocolate cakes together, and today we frosted them with rasperry icing (home made; the raspberry tastes good but best of all it makes the frosting pink) and Tessa was in charge of putting on the sprinkles.
I will try to love every celebration, and not get caught up in my "to-do" lists for each party. I will remember that it's about the joy of her birth, about the celebration of her life, about the relationships she shares with others. I will try to remember that it's okay if the food's not perfect, if somebody gets sick and can't come, if our parties aren't as extravagent as others'. I will try to remember to laugh, and to share Tessa's pleasure at the small things: a balloon that's just the right color; putting up streamers.
Happy birthday, Tessa. I love you!
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
What do you do when you don't feel like cooking?
Okay, readers (I know you're out there - Sitemeter tells me that I get at least 50 readers a day, and that you're all over the world)....time to come out of hiding.
What do you cook when you don't feel like cooking? What are your fallback meals for yourself and your family?
Today I ordered take-out....expensive and unhealthy, but there was no way I was going to cook. What do you do on those nights when it's too much?
What do you cook when you don't feel like cooking? What are your fallback meals for yourself and your family?
Today I ordered take-out....expensive and unhealthy, but there was no way I was going to cook. What do you do on those nights when it's too much?
Apparently, I need more than little birds
I'm still grouchy.
I don't feel well. My throat is scratchy. I'm tired. My head hurts. WAHHHH.
These are not "real" problems in that it's not life threatening, but they're problems none-the-less. I've decided to scrap the good attitude and mope for a little while instead. Tessa is curled up watching Clifford, happy. I ordered take-out for dinner. It's going to take more than some cute birds in my yard to break me out of my funk.
Hopefully, a good night's sleep and a return to health in the morning will do the trick. Until then, I'm whining.
I don't feel well. My throat is scratchy. I'm tired. My head hurts. WAHHHH.
These are not "real" problems in that it's not life threatening, but they're problems none-the-less. I've decided to scrap the good attitude and mope for a little while instead. Tessa is curled up watching Clifford, happy. I ordered take-out for dinner. It's going to take more than some cute birds in my yard to break me out of my funk.
Hopefully, a good night's sleep and a return to health in the morning will do the trick. Until then, I'm whining.
Okay, 30 seconds of Zen
After my grouchy post, I came upstairs and looked out the window.
There, on the birdfeeder that Tessa insisted that we buy last year (she didn't have to push too hard), were a handful of sweet little birds. I looked them up in our Seattle Bird Guide, and they are juncos. Then, we got to see a larger Northern Flicker (woodpecker) with brilliant red under its wings and tail. I stood at the back door for a little bit and watched this small piece of nature flitting through my back yard, and for a moment the girls were playing well and kind to one another, and I had to remind myself to stop being so grouchy.
Reminder to self: I live in perhaps the most beautiful part of the world. The Olympics were out in full color today: stunning. There are gorgeous wild birds flittering through my back yard. My house is warm, my health problem is a scratchy throat and not a lump (shudder), my dog follows me around because he loves me, my husband likes his job and called while at work to check on me to send his love....and I have an amazing child. Even when she's driving me crazy.
There, on the birdfeeder that Tessa insisted that we buy last year (she didn't have to push too hard), were a handful of sweet little birds. I looked them up in our Seattle Bird Guide, and they are juncos. Then, we got to see a larger Northern Flicker (woodpecker) with brilliant red under its wings and tail. I stood at the back door for a little bit and watched this small piece of nature flitting through my back yard, and for a moment the girls were playing well and kind to one another, and I had to remind myself to stop being so grouchy.
Reminder to self: I live in perhaps the most beautiful part of the world. The Olympics were out in full color today: stunning. There are gorgeous wild birds flittering through my back yard. My house is warm, my health problem is a scratchy throat and not a lump (shudder), my dog follows me around because he loves me, my husband likes his job and called while at work to check on me to send his love....and I have an amazing child. Even when she's driving me crazy.
Okay today is a different day
Thank goodness I had a little zen in my day yesterday, because today it appears that I won't be getting any!
Tessa has two friends over to play right now, and that dear, lovely, intelligent, compassionate child of mine is being a pain in the butt. She's being jealous, refusing to share her things, telling scary stories about a mean guy hiding in her closet (which she thinks is hysterically funny) until one of her friends cried in terror (and then Tessa initially refused to tone things down, despite her friend's terror....I had to open doors, move clothes around, stomp and make some noise, to prove that nobody was there)....etc. She also had a rather impressive temper tantrum (worse in a 5 year old than a 2 year old because 5 year olds are louder and can kick harder). Where, oh where did yesterday's sweet, inquisitive child disappear to? I know she'll come back but today I really miss her.
To top it off, my tickly throat is turning into a sore throat. I have just enough cognition to know that I may be responding more to my sore throat than my child; my patience feels short today.
And I'm stressed because I'm behind deadline for a Komen project that I REALLY believe in. And did I mention that Ryan has late work meetings? Not a big deal at all, just the timing stinks. C'est la vie.
Somehow, it will all work out. But in the meantime, I'm a stressed out mommy. Calgon, take me away.
Tessa has two friends over to play right now, and that dear, lovely, intelligent, compassionate child of mine is being a pain in the butt. She's being jealous, refusing to share her things, telling scary stories about a mean guy hiding in her closet (which she thinks is hysterically funny) until one of her friends cried in terror (and then Tessa initially refused to tone things down, despite her friend's terror....I had to open doors, move clothes around, stomp and make some noise, to prove that nobody was there)....etc. She also had a rather impressive temper tantrum (worse in a 5 year old than a 2 year old because 5 year olds are louder and can kick harder). Where, oh where did yesterday's sweet, inquisitive child disappear to? I know she'll come back but today I really miss her.
To top it off, my tickly throat is turning into a sore throat. I have just enough cognition to know that I may be responding more to my sore throat than my child; my patience feels short today.
And I'm stressed because I'm behind deadline for a Komen project that I REALLY believe in. And did I mention that Ryan has late work meetings? Not a big deal at all, just the timing stinks. C'est la vie.
Somehow, it will all work out. But in the meantime, I'm a stressed out mommy. Calgon, take me away.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Down time
The short version? Tessa's got a cold.
Today we're having some enforced down time, despite the busy day I had planned. Instead of touring Alki Elementary, working on Komen's Race for the Cure website, taking Tessa to preschool, and attending a Race meeting, Tessa and I have stayed home and had a very quiet day.
Despite my anxiety about not getting these things done (Komen is on a short deadline and I have a LOT of work to do, which I really must get done, so that in particular is stressful to me), it has been a nice day. I've done some cleaning projects around the house, hung some pictures on the "family wall" in the family room (it's all hodge-podge with different frames and picture sizes, but what the heck...the rest of that room is hodge-podge too and it's nice to have family pics up), and played with Tessa.
Tessa and I have sat and played together more in the past day than in the past week. We've played horses with a set that my mom gave her a couple of years ago; we read for well over an hour from a book about children from around the world (and looked at the dolls of the world set that she received for Christmas to see their clothing and compare), we made an 84 piece puzzle of a map of the United States (which she needed assistance with, but was a great opportunity to talk about who we know that lives in different states, what crops were grown where, etc.), we watched birds on the birdfeeder in the back yard (we both really like the bluejays), we've cleaned together (Tessa's job is to help me with dusting - she's really proud of herself for helping with chores and I will not squelch that kind of enthusiasm, knowing full well that one day she'll shriek at me if I ask her to help)....lots and lots of quiet on one time.
Man, I love my daughter.
One of my favorite songs is "Lullaby" by the Dixie Chicks, and today reminded me of lines from that song:
"I'll slip in bed while you're asleep,
And hold you close to feel your breath on me.
Tomorrow there'll be so much to do,
So tonight I'll drift inside a dream with you."
Today, the drifting happened while we were awake, and that was such a lovely pleasure. No rush, no hustle, no bustle....just spending time together, with nothing to accomplish, and nowhere to go.
The next lines of the song say,
"How long do you want to be loved?
Is forever enough? Is forever enough?"
No, forever is not enough, but it is certainly my promise to Tessa.
Parenting is difficult; sometimes, it feels like an impossibly large burden, and I feel my frustration rising as I just long for -deeply yearn for- 20 minutes of uninterrupted thoughts. Not today. Today, I'm reminded that I really, truly love being with my daughter. I love hearing what she thinks, and I love learning the workings of her mind. I think she's funny, and fun, and interesting, and though I do NOT want to speed up the clock (no! slow down!), I can not wait to know her when she is a woman. I can not wait to see the person that she is becoming, and to watch our relationship grow. One day, if I am lucky, I will get to see her become a mother, and I know deep in my soul that she will be wonderful. One day, if I am lucky, I will get to see Tessa change the world in ways big or small. I have no doubt about it. This is not pressure on her to do something grand like become president or cure poverty...but she is such a lovely person, filled with love and compassion, that the world is a better place because she is in it, and she will improve the world through her existance. All things are possible in her.
The ramblings of a besotted mother? Absolutely. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: every child should be loved and adored as much as I love Tessa. Of course I'm biased. I don't care - I think she's part magic, and that magic is so filled with possibility.
All of this because of cancelled plans, because of enforced slowness. I feel sorry for Tessa's runny nose and tickly throat, but selfishly, I'm glad she got a cold. I hope it goes away before it makes her feel too bad, but I am grateful for the reminders the cold brought.
When tomorrow or the next day is doubly busy because of falling behind with everything today, I truly hope that I can remember this. I hope I can still find small moments to just play, to question, to listen to Tessa. Talk of "put your shoes on" and "hurry up, we're late" and "let's go to the grocery store" and even "we're going to a playdate" is all well and fine and necessary, but just sitting and reading until we're tired of reading (and not until the clock tells us that it's time to stop) is a rare treat. I hope I remember to do that more often....without the poor kid getting a cold.
And...not to end on a sour note...but I have to say it anyway.
As I dream about the woman that Tessa will become, I curse damn cancer for threatening to prevent me from seeing that transformation. I have no promises. The clouds appear far off and in the distance, but I fear the storm that they might bring. I'm praying for sunshine and sprinkles, but no hurricanes. I want to be here for myself and my family. I want to be here to stand at Ryan's side and watch our Tessa grow into herself. I want that more than anything I've ever wanted before.
Today we're having some enforced down time, despite the busy day I had planned. Instead of touring Alki Elementary, working on Komen's Race for the Cure website, taking Tessa to preschool, and attending a Race meeting, Tessa and I have stayed home and had a very quiet day.
Despite my anxiety about not getting these things done (Komen is on a short deadline and I have a LOT of work to do, which I really must get done, so that in particular is stressful to me), it has been a nice day. I've done some cleaning projects around the house, hung some pictures on the "family wall" in the family room (it's all hodge-podge with different frames and picture sizes, but what the heck...the rest of that room is hodge-podge too and it's nice to have family pics up), and played with Tessa.
Tessa and I have sat and played together more in the past day than in the past week. We've played horses with a set that my mom gave her a couple of years ago; we read for well over an hour from a book about children from around the world (and looked at the dolls of the world set that she received for Christmas to see their clothing and compare), we made an 84 piece puzzle of a map of the United States (which she needed assistance with, but was a great opportunity to talk about who we know that lives in different states, what crops were grown where, etc.), we watched birds on the birdfeeder in the back yard (we both really like the bluejays), we've cleaned together (Tessa's job is to help me with dusting - she's really proud of herself for helping with chores and I will not squelch that kind of enthusiasm, knowing full well that one day she'll shriek at me if I ask her to help)....lots and lots of quiet on one time.
Man, I love my daughter.
One of my favorite songs is "Lullaby" by the Dixie Chicks, and today reminded me of lines from that song:
"I'll slip in bed while you're asleep,
And hold you close to feel your breath on me.
Tomorrow there'll be so much to do,
So tonight I'll drift inside a dream with you."
Today, the drifting happened while we were awake, and that was such a lovely pleasure. No rush, no hustle, no bustle....just spending time together, with nothing to accomplish, and nowhere to go.
The next lines of the song say,
"How long do you want to be loved?
Is forever enough? Is forever enough?"
No, forever is not enough, but it is certainly my promise to Tessa.
Parenting is difficult; sometimes, it feels like an impossibly large burden, and I feel my frustration rising as I just long for -deeply yearn for- 20 minutes of uninterrupted thoughts. Not today. Today, I'm reminded that I really, truly love being with my daughter. I love hearing what she thinks, and I love learning the workings of her mind. I think she's funny, and fun, and interesting, and though I do NOT want to speed up the clock (no! slow down!), I can not wait to know her when she is a woman. I can not wait to see the person that she is becoming, and to watch our relationship grow. One day, if I am lucky, I will get to see her become a mother, and I know deep in my soul that she will be wonderful. One day, if I am lucky, I will get to see Tessa change the world in ways big or small. I have no doubt about it. This is not pressure on her to do something grand like become president or cure poverty...but she is such a lovely person, filled with love and compassion, that the world is a better place because she is in it, and she will improve the world through her existance. All things are possible in her.
The ramblings of a besotted mother? Absolutely. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: every child should be loved and adored as much as I love Tessa. Of course I'm biased. I don't care - I think she's part magic, and that magic is so filled with possibility.
All of this because of cancelled plans, because of enforced slowness. I feel sorry for Tessa's runny nose and tickly throat, but selfishly, I'm glad she got a cold. I hope it goes away before it makes her feel too bad, but I am grateful for the reminders the cold brought.
When tomorrow or the next day is doubly busy because of falling behind with everything today, I truly hope that I can remember this. I hope I can still find small moments to just play, to question, to listen to Tessa. Talk of "put your shoes on" and "hurry up, we're late" and "let's go to the grocery store" and even "we're going to a playdate" is all well and fine and necessary, but just sitting and reading until we're tired of reading (and not until the clock tells us that it's time to stop) is a rare treat. I hope I remember to do that more often....without the poor kid getting a cold.
And...not to end on a sour note...but I have to say it anyway.
As I dream about the woman that Tessa will become, I curse damn cancer for threatening to prevent me from seeing that transformation. I have no promises. The clouds appear far off and in the distance, but I fear the storm that they might bring. I'm praying for sunshine and sprinkles, but no hurricanes. I want to be here for myself and my family. I want to be here to stand at Ryan's side and watch our Tessa grow into herself. I want that more than anything I've ever wanted before.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
A Chance to See the Dalai Lama
I have recently learned that the Dalai Lama is coming to Seattle, and I'm thrilled at the prospect of seeing him speak.
Check it out:
http://www.seedsofcompassion.net/event/
I personally believe that the Dalai Lama is one of the most compassionate, intelligent people on the planet, and every time I hear him speak (never in person, unfortunately) or read his writing I walk away feeling more committed to being a positive person in the world. I admire his teachings greatly, and I would be more excited than I can express if I got to see him.
This particular program is interesting to me because it is all about teaching children compassion, and raising our children compassionately. As I struggle to be a compassionate person, I know that I struggle to model to Tessa, and I hope that I can learn more.
Tickets aren't on sale or available yet, but I hope to be able to get my hands on some.
Check it out:
http://www.seedsofcompassion.net/event/
I personally believe that the Dalai Lama is one of the most compassionate, intelligent people on the planet, and every time I hear him speak (never in person, unfortunately) or read his writing I walk away feeling more committed to being a positive person in the world. I admire his teachings greatly, and I would be more excited than I can express if I got to see him.
This particular program is interesting to me because it is all about teaching children compassion, and raising our children compassionately. As I struggle to be a compassionate person, I know that I struggle to model to Tessa, and I hope that I can learn more.
Tickets aren't on sale or available yet, but I hope to be able to get my hands on some.
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