At the end of the day

At the end of each day, my sinus headaches rage and I feel overwhelmed. This has gone on for a week - may be time for a trip to the doc. I hate visiting doctors; I feel that my time in waiting rooms is such a waste, and I've already wasted so much time.

Tonight I'm particularly tired because it was Tessa's party. I hung streamers, blew up balloons, made two cakes (chocolate bundt cake with chocolate glaze; and chocolate layer cake with raspberry vanilla frosting), cleaned, tidied, and tried to give Tessa a great day. Now her friends (and mine!) are gone, and the house is coming back to itself, and the toys are put away.

Tonight, it occurs to me that I am overdoing it because a) that's what I do but also b) because if I die, I want Tessa to remember how much her mama was willing to do for her. I want her to remember her time with me as magical.

I am not planning my death, but it does seem that I feel extra pressure to do things "just in case." This year we're throwing her three birthday parties, and that's excessive. Unless I think that I'll miss most of the parties in her life. And yet, I do feel healthy, and mostly optimistic about the future, so this doesn't make any sense. Time for another trip to the therapist.

But first, a Motrin, and then bed.