Nearly Perfect

Yesterday, Tessa and I enjoyed a wonderful day downtown - we took the bus to the aquarium for the preschool field trip, then enjoyed lunch at the aquarium, then walked through Pike Place Market, and then visited the Seattle Art Museum before coming home. It was basically free, it was fun, and it was great bonding time.

At the aquarium, we learned about all kinds of things (did you know that a starfish puts its stomach outside of its body, wraps it around its food, and then eats that way?). At the art museum, we saw all kinds of things (including Tessa's favorite exhibit....a ceramic toilet with quite realistic looking fecal matter inside....YUCK but the girl thinks it's hysterical).

And then today, to follow up from our day at the aquarium, we went to the low tide/naturalist talks at Alki's Constellation Park. This was a 75 year low tide, and we saw the most amazing creatures and things: a Lemon Sea Slug laying eggs; hundreds of sea cucumbers; countless sea stars (starfish), including one that was eating a kelp crab; innumerable sea anemones. We found lots of moon snail shells but left them behind because it's a protected marine sanctuary. We found one live moon snail, as well, and were even able to point it out to a naturalist who was saying "I can't find any today!"

The beach naturalists did a fabulous job. One asked Tessa lots of questions, and told me that she was startled at how much Tessa knew about the creatures we were discussing. (When Tessa is interested in something, her memory is remarkable. "Sea creatures" fall in that category, and our recent studies at preschool and aquarium trips were helpful in her lessons.) Tessa asked thoughtful questions, and I was incredibly proud of her. (Marine biologist in the making? Well, she still says she wants to work in a horse stable for a living, but we will see!)

We dined in high style, sitting amid all of this on a waterproof blanket. We ate tuna sandwiches, and as we ate, we pointed at things beneath the rocks "Oh, look, that sea star is such a pretty purple!" and "Look, Mama, under that rock are FIVE sea cucumbers!" and "What kind of seaweed is that?"

This was the kind of day I live for. I didn't take it for granted.

PS I have never before seen so many different patterned rubber boots! Tessa's are hot pink with circles and polka dots; mine are shades of brown and white plaid. But every variety made seemed present today on the beach.

PPS Perfect tuna sandwiches!

Two slices home-made whole wheat flax bread

One can dolphin-safe albacore tuna

Several good dollops of fat-free organic Greek style yogurt

a good squeeze of lemon juice

finely chopped capers

Mix tuna, yogurt, lemon, and capers; add sea salt to taste if desired. Spread on bread, add tomato slices. Cut on the diagonal. Yummm!

Getting back into my body

Today Tessa, Shep and I walked to preschool.

On the way back, a mere mile, I plugged in my iPod and jammed out to the tunes as I really stretched my legs.

IT FELT FANTASTIC.

I am ready to move again, ready to allow my body to move, ready to feel good.

October, and another surgery, looms ahead. But between now and then it's all about healing... again. It's about getting back into running. It's about beach days. It's about the tunes in my ears, the sun on my face, the wag of my dog's tail.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

By the way, the first some that came up on the "shuffle" function of my iPod was "Joy to the World" by Three Dog Night. (I'm rockin' to the oldies these days, I guess.)

"Joy to the world,
to all the boys and girls;
Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea,
Joy to you and me."

How apropos.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Happiness Runs

The musical director at WSUU has some diverse selections, and a few weeks ago she chose an old song, "Happiness Runs" by Donovan, and we sang it in a round.

It gets into my head sometimes, and out of this sweet little bit of silliness, I'm finding deep thoughts.

"Happiness runs in a circular motion,
Thought is like a little boat upon the sea;
Everybody is a part of everything anyway,
You can have everything if you let yourself be.

Happiness runs, happiness runs...

Why? Oh, because..."

Today this song is playing it's merry way through my head and making me smile. I really believe that we can not be happy until we're making others' lives happy (that's the circular motion) and that living according to our innermost personal values is the key to our happiness. We are all connected to one another, and there is no escaping it. Our thoughts bob about and change and shift with the currants, but we are all interconnected and if we accept this interconnectedness and listen to our inner voices, we'll be happy. Happiness is out there, running around waiting for us. Why? It just "is." Whether it is God's will, the workings of an intricate universe, or something intrinsic nature is unknown to us. But it is.

I'm working a lot on happiness lately - as a matter of fact, it's ALL I'm working on. A friend asked me if that was not the wrong approach (what about peacefulness? compassion? wisdom? love?) and my response is that happiness, TRUE happiness, is the result of all of those things. If I want to be happy I need to live according to those other values. The result of peacefulness, compassion, wisdom, and love must be happiness, I think.

The Dalai Lama spoke of this, much more eloquently than I ever could. He talked about "good selfish" and "bad selfish." "Good selfish" is what I'm trying for. I wish to be happy, and that could be seen as selfish. But the thing is, I want deep and true happiness, the kind where my mind is not nagging me that I've done something wrong, and to get that kind of happiness, I must be generous in other ways. The end result, I hope, is my internal happiness; the external result, though, is improving the world around me and other's happiness (and this is the "good" part of "good selfish"). It is not wrong to be motivated by what feels good, the Dalai Lama said, when the world benefits.

("Bad selfish" is living only for the moment, regardless of its impact on others. I might throw out angry words because it feels good in the moment to be "right," but in the end, these words hurt me as well as others because I know that hurting someone is never justified. I might do something bad to the earth because it's convenient to me, but to do so is foolish, because in the end I pay the price, and my selfishness harms others AND myself.)

Apologies to the Dalai Lama for saying this so much less eloquently than he did, but it has struck me in profound ways and I'm really trying to live according to these values.

So, today, where-ever you are, and whoever you are, I hope that you feel happy. I hope that you feel that little bubbling happiness inside of you that says "I know who I am. I know I'm doing the right thing." I hope you find many reasons to laugh, and to feel deep joy.

Love,
Kristina

PS My joy of the day: Dancing with Tessa. Tomorrow is my official lifting of the 10 pound restriction, and I figured that neither my body nor the plastic surgeon would know if I was 14 hours early. I put "Happiness Runs" music on, and Tessa and I danced with her in my arms, complete with dips. Tessa's joy at being held close by her mama was tangible, and gladdened me in ways that maybe only another mother can understand. Talk about healing...Tessa laughed and held me close and told me that she loved me "more than the trees....more than the hummingbirds....more than a sidewalk." Despite my confusion at why I'm being compared to slabs of concrete :-) this moment will stay with me for a long, long time.

In a nutshell

I know that this blog has become all over the map, and I hope you're okay with that, because I'm okay with that. This blog is fulfilling several functions for me:

- Communicating information about my breast cancer treatment, including reconstruction

- Keeping friends and family updated about the ins and outs of our lives as a family

- Personal therapy for me - a chance to vent my feelings and sort them out and even occassionally get some online support from my readers

- A chance to work out ideas in writing (which is how I do my best thinking) on subjects such as compassion, joy, the environment, frugality, lifestyle, etc.

- A chance to share with others some of my ideas about how to change the world in small, incremental, easy-to-bite-off steps

- A documentation of the changes in my life in my quest for a balance between health, environment, and happiness (with a big dose of frugality thrown in!)

The more I write here, the more into I become, and blogging has become one of my favorite activities. As usual, I wish that I had more time for it to craft my messages, organize them, make them more readable, edit for stupid mistakes like using the same adjective twice in the same sentence, etc. (in addition to myriad spelling errors!). But I'm also trying to live in the moment, and I consider the blog my raw material, not the final result. What will I turn it into? Perhaps nothing. Perhaps a series of books. Perhaps a couple of essays. Perhaps something different entirely. Still, I'm drawn to keep writing it down...so I write.

I've mentioned our trip to Portland, but I haven't posted anything yet, so here goes - pictures! We had a lovely trip, and Mom & Dad S. were fabulous hosts (as always), treating us to home cooked meals, shared laughter, a trip to Bob's Red Mill so that Tessa could learn how they ground flour in "olden days," a visit with Scott & Susan, etc. The train ride was a pretty near perfect way to travel for our family, very relaxing, but the most fun was had with our family.

Some pictures:

Here's a picture of Tessa getting her first sewing machine lesson from Grandma - she was fascinated, and believes her grandma to be the most talented seamstress around. (Thanks so much, Mom, for mending Ryan's things!)Aunt Susan was one of the highlights of the trip for Tessa. Not only did we celebrate Aunt Susan's birthday (meaning that Grandma made her famous Surface Birthday Cake - angel food with the family recipe frosting), Aunt Susan read Tessa stories (this picture) and played Littlest Pet Shop with her. Tessa LOVED it!Ryan helped out a bit in the garden, and Tessa made short work of climbing the trees in the yard.
Here's Grandma, Bopa, and Tessa in front of Bob's Red Mill. It was a beautiful, sunny day.

And one more picture of Grandma, Bopa, and Tessa, this one taken in their back yard.

Here is a picture of Ryan's brother Scott (Uncle Scott) with Scott & Susan's new car. Usually, I think "big deal" when people get cars (much to my dad's dismay, I just don't care that much about cars) but this one was of particular interest to me, as it's a Toyota Prius. In my eyes, this thing is gorgeous, and probably my dream car. Scott is a research hound - even more than myself - and he and Susan looked into every detail before deciding on this environmentally friendly vehicle. Even new (it's only a month old) it's getting 45 miles per gallon of gas, and Scott & Susan know people with Prius's that are more broken in and sometimes get 80 mpg. That is a beautiful thing! It's the first time I've been in a Prius, and I was also incredibly impressed by it's roominess. I thought it would be too small for us as a family (especially with our lovely but giant black beast, Shep, as we don't like him in the backseat but in the "way back") but this proved untrue; it's a remarkably large small car. Ryan and I will not be buying a car for years and years if things go well, but when we do, this is what I hope for.

Tessa is awake and ready to go about her day so I need to cut this short, but here are my quick other thoughts....

= The garden continues to be a source of pleasure, frustration (I am so lacking in knowledge!) and activity for us. Every day we make some minor progress, and I'm so hopeful about what it will yield.

= I can't get enough reading in about how to alter my small world to make our bigger world a better place. I'm really enjoying the process - it gives me a sense of peacefulness that I am living in a "right livelihood" manner, and this in turn gives me joy.

= I am trying so hard to focus on what is meaningful to me, and to leave the other stuff aside. I'm trying much harder than ever before to live within my values, and you see the struggle and joy of that on just about every posting these days. I am committed to being happy, and I believe strongly that to do so I must live my life in a way beneficial to the planet and its inhabitants. Compassion is a major part of this, and I'm trying to incorporate more compassion into all I do. It does pay back, interestingly.

= Chasing a more frugal (aka living within or below our means) lifestyle is a challenge, but I am feeling the challenge and not deprivation. This is a major learning curve for me - I know little about frugality! - but I'm actually enjoying it.

And today's plan? Get the rest of the strawberry plants in the ground, and get the pea vines up. Lunch with my mom and GG (Tessa too). An afternoon at our home with Abby, Gabe, and Soleil (Abby is even more into this environmental stuff than I am!), and then a family evening together. Many other chores and details call, but the day is full. Oh well!

And this weekend I'm off to Orcas - hurrah!

And Tessa insists that I am done now. Ciao!

Book discussion?

I am reading a book that is just fascinating me, and though I got it from the library I think I'm going to have to break down and buy it, because it's got so many ideas in it that I can't possibly process all of them at once.

The book is called "Simple Prosperity: Finding Real Wealth in a Sustainable Lifestyle" by David Wann (who is also the author of the book that spawned the PBS special called "Affluenza").

From the back book cover:

"In his bestseller Affluenza, David Wann and his coauthors diagnosed the debilitating disease of overconsumption. Now, in Simple Prosperity, he shows us how we can overome it to recapture a more abundant and sustainable lifestyle without sacrifiing everything we love."

The book is about living greener, living happier, living socially consciously. It is filled with statistics, too, but also practical ideas and advice about how to proceed.

If anyone else is interested, please get yourself a copy of this book (it is available at the library, after all....though one library copy is in my hands right now) and then let me know when you're done with it, because I'd love to talk about it with you. Anyone?

Love,
Kristina

PS We're in Portland, enjoying visiting with Mom & Dad S. and lovely weather, too. Off to adventures at Bob's Red Mill!

A day thinking about compassion

Today I had the good fortune to go to two events from the Seeds of Compassion organization. The first had three panelists talking about the impact of teaching compassion to youth, and what are obligations are in that regard; the second had, as its primary speaker, His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama.

The Dalai Lama tells funny little jokes, and then laughs with gleeful mischief at his own jokes. He is slightly self depricating, saying "I'm just one man, and there are 6 billion people....I'm just one in six billion, not so special," and he even answered one question with, "That's a very big question. Hmmmm. I don't know!"

It is impossible not to love him. They say that babies can tell the intentions of those who care for them, and I would say that those around the Dalai Lama are babies in his watchful care, and we can tell he loves us, and we're ready to respond with delight.

I have a lot of thinking to do about what I saw and heard in the past two days. It can not be summed up with a pithy little quote, though there were plenty of quotable quotes (my favorite of which is "War is outdated," - think about that one for a while). The most important part of the events was not what occurred, it's what is to occur next.

The event was about bringing compassion into action. The word "action' came up over and over and over again. What am I to do with my love of compassion? How can I make it more active in my house? How can I be patient with Tessa when she is feeling her emotions all hot and angry, so that treat her with compassion instead of frustration? How can I communicate my needs to Ryan in a way that is compassionate of his needs instead of demanding? How can I practice compassion in my community? How much of my "self" must I give to this worthy cause?

I'm not sure, but I think the answer is "all." All of my self. 100%.

I've heard a quote a few times lately that goes something like this. "If you want to help someone, help them. If you want to help yourself, help someone." Today the Dalai Lama said that it is "wise selfish" to give compassion to others because in the end it makes the world a better place for yourself. We can be compassionate out of selfishness - we wish to live in peace and harmony and so while we may be compassionate to others, we do it for ourselves.

If this is the case (and I can't see any flaws in the logic to indicate otherwise), then I must give all of myself, in an effort to save myself.

And lest you think I'm about to become some crazy martyr lady, let me remind you that compassion toward self is part of this. The "program" if there even is a program involves time for self-care. It encourages friendship. It places great emphasis on family, on community. It allows for religious faith (of course!), for education, for reflection and meditation. All of these things are things I want for myself, of course. If I could feel peace, and ahve those things too, well, I'd have to say that I had it made.

So I'm ruminating on it. What is my role?

Is it work to cure breast cancer?
Is it building for Habitat for Humanity?
Is it creating a compassion program at Alki Elementary (our family's new "home" for the next few years)
Is it work within WSUU?
Is it writing for breast cancer survivors?
Is it "merely" being an agent of peace within my own household (which, frankly, is a lot harder than those other things on the list...!)?

I'm grateful to have the opportunity to reflect on such things.

I'm grateful that Qwest Field was filled with others who also walked away ready to have these discussions. This is not work to be done alone, and I think that the time has come to do it together now.

I didn't spend my time at Qwest feeling the pain of my chest (yes it hurts. Yes, I had to take an Aleve while I was there. But while His Holiness was speaking, I could only see and hear him...not feel pain.) I didn't walk away feeling sorry for my surgeries, for my disease. I walked away feeling hopeful.

So tonight I reflect with gratitude on this opportunity.

Dalai Lama Weekend

I've just dropped off Tessa at preschool, and my Dalai Lama weekend begins.

Michele is picking me up at about 11:30, and while Tessa goes off with Grammy & Grandpa on a motorhome weekend in Anacortes (she's so excited she's dancing around talking about it), I will go to the first of my three events for Seeds of Compassion.

Then, this evening, Ryan and I are going to go on a date. We'll do a happy hour (inexpensive!) downtown, and then we'll see the S.A.M. Romans exhibit (on loan from the Louvre). Usually Ryan's not a museum guy, but he's fascinated with the Romans, and so this is particularly interesting to him....and I love museums of just about all kinds. If I can hold it together (hmmm not sure how likely it is) I'd like to see the movie Juno downtown...but certainly no promises there.

And then tomorrow it's TWO more Dalai Lama events, including the main one at Qwest Field.

The Dalai Lama is the human being that I most respect in the world. His integrity, intelligence, kindness and compassion are unparalleled. I am in awe at his ability to find deep joy in the midst of great sorrow. I could learn an immense amount from him, and I've been reading his books, and learning about him for a while now. To see him in person is like a gift. (Actually, it IS a gift. The tickets were free.)

So, this morning I need to hustle around and pack Tessa's weekend back for Grammy to pick up, and tidy the house, and return phone calls....but I'm so excited for what is to follow.

A good start to the day

I woke up today with a headache, as I have every day since surgery, but today I woke up with something else, too....a sense of calm. WOW. I can't tell you how I've missed that.

Today I feel more filled with hope, and the possibilities for joy, than in a long while. How does one describe such feelings? It's not a bouncy, energetic feeling....it's quieter. It's peaceful. And I'll take it!

A Story of Hope

I posted this on the YSC yesterday, and then thought maybe my readers here would appreciate the story.

West Seattle is a small place. If the woman in question reads this post, or if I've inadvertantly identified her in some way (I do wish to respect her privacy), please forgive me or contact me and I'll remove the post if it offends. But I want to offer thanks to that woman for her incredible gifts and wisdom. The women of YSC have all responded with love toward her, and wishes to meet her, to be like her. Lady, you are greatly admired, and you've offered a lot of girls hope. Thank you for that.

In the sea of bad news that has been hitting my cancer community, this is of great comfort to me.

Here's the post.
--------------
For once, I was at the gym today.

I was standing next to my locker, and a woman came in beside me. She had obviously had double mastectomies. Because I often speak without thinking, I said, "I'm a breast cancer survivor. Are you, too?" and she was very open to the conversation and said "Yes" and shared quite a bit of her story.

The short version? Diagnosed at age 40. She's 72 now. She's a 32 year survivor! Hurrah! Paget's disease of the nipple, and her doctors initially gave her 6 months to live. She demanded a mastectomy (which they initially didn't want to do for some reason), refused chemo and radiation, and did naturopathic treatments. (Not what I would do, but it's obviously working for her!)

She had a recurrance a few years later, and repeated treatment on the other side....another mastectomy, again refused chemo or radiation, again did naturopathic treatments.She mentioned that she'd had a hysterectomy due to an unrelated cancer, much later, as well.

She said she never considered reconstruction. She said, "My husband never touched me again after the mastectomy. He was a fool. I've had several intimate sexual relationships since then" (I loved her candor - not what I expected of a woman of her generation!) "and I tell them up front: I want a man, not a boy. If you're here for the boobs, get lost!" and that has worked quite well for her.

She said she often forgot that she had mastectomies, and sometimes forgets her prosthesis, which is only "important" to her when she's going to the office.

(It could have gone the other way. She could have been offended by my questions, and by my obvious noticing of her double mastectomies. But she was not, she was very open. And, just to be fair, I flashed her pretty well, also!)

I admired her more than I could say. I thanked her for the hope she offered me, but I wish I'd thanked her for sharing her love of her own body and her understanding of her own self worth and sexual prowess. There we were, naked in the locker-room, and this woman did not have the body of a Roman goddess, more of a Gaia-mother-goddess. But make no mistake, she was a goddess in form. It shone from her eyes.

I wanted to share with you girls, and as soon as I could post today, that's what I'm doing.

My wish for all of us - to live that long. To feel that comfortable in our bodies. To feel joy in our sexual relationships. To feel confident in our choices. To forget that we had mastectomies (or chemo or whatever). To be confident in the locker rooms, regardless of our size, shape, and breasts (or lack thereof). To share our success with strangers who have the nerve to approach us, so that they can feed from our joy.

I hope this story gives all of us hope. Those with dire predictions as to our survival, those who have recurred, and those who hope to never repeat our experiences. Those who have already found supportive partners....and those of us who WILL find supportive partners.

It gave ME hope, so I'm sharing.

$12 worth of massive satisfaction

(First...I don't know why I can't orient these properly. On my computer, they orient correctly, but when I upload, they reorient themselves. My advice? Tip your head. Yes, I'm very technical, I know.)

Okay, here's the deal.

I love our house. It is truly home. I love the covered front porch, the hardwood floors, the woodwork, the front door, the yard, the light, the colors...lots of things.

But there are some other things, too. One of those things has been the light fixture in our upstairs bathroom. When I saw it the first time, I said, "Well, if we buy this place, that THING is lasting about 30 seconds before we replace it!" Ha. Six and a half years later, I hated it no less.

(For those of you who haven't seen it, or who forgot what it looks like, allow me to refresh your memory. One of those oak boards from the 70s or 80s that has three fat, round lightbulbs sticking out of brass "holders" resembling cut up tubes of toilet paper. Only ours was worse, because somebody along the way got the brilliant idea to paint it. They used some king of primer, got primer halfway up the brass in a haphazard way, and then obviously tired of the project, and left it like that. UGLY doesn't even come close to describing it. Hideous is a slightly better word, but still fails to capture my feelings about it. I posted a picture of it here, but it doesn't do any justice at all to the hideousness of the old fixture.)

But it is no more - HURRAHHHHHHHH!

At the rummage sale Tessa and I attended last week, we were on the way out the door, and there was The Perfect Light Fixture. It was labeled "$12 - works" and I scooped it up. It was missing mounting hardware (which lead to not one, but two, trips to the hardware store) but at last, it's up and it does, indeed, work. I posted two pictures of it. To you, it may look like standard issue. To me, it looks like the character of our house, the same finish as the other stuff in the bathroom, the same alabaster finish on the shades as on the rest of the house, and a style that's appealing to me.

It's the little things in life.

If $12 can buy this much satisfaction, well, the possibilities are endless. I'm even more smug that I supported a local organization, kept something out of a landfill, reduced packaging, and kept out of the cycle of production that has so many chemical by-products by buying something already in use. The fact that it was so cheap only makes me more smug than all that could hope to.

(Now you may be asking why we haven't replaced the light before, since it was such a source of dissatisfaction. To you, I can only say, "You must not live in an old house." There are lots of "odd" little things in our house that I'd like to change, and time and money and energy being what they are, some have waited a long time.)

I'm going to have a bubble bath tonight, and instead of staring up at that hideous old thing, I'll see the shiny new one. Ironically, I prefer to have my bubble baths by candle-light, but that's not the point - the fixture is right in my line of vision when I bathe.

(PS All of this is a very good distraction from my other, less pleasant thoughts. I have a therapist appointment tomorrow and discussing my surgery is my number one issue. It takes more than a bubble bath to get me down from that problem.)

WSUU Upcoming Services

When I was updating my links of interest, I decided to check out the WSUU page myself. I found a list of upcoming services, and I have to say that each of them looks particularly interesting to me. I won't be attending on Easter Sunday because we're attending an Easter Brunch with the PEPS gang (and there's a certain spirituality to such events, as well - full of joy and laughter), but I'll listen to it on podcast because the services are now available online (wahoo).

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March 16th “Hope is a State of Mind” Rev. Nan Geer
Unitarian Universalism is about keeping the faith in spite of and because of the evidence. Rev. Nan Geer is a Unitarian Universalist Minister serving her 17th year as minister of Free Church Unitarian in Blaine. In 1991 and 1992 she served part-time as a Student Minister at The West Seattle Unitarian Fellowship while also serving part-time in Blaine and also in Wenatchee. Nan and her husband (who does all the cooking!) now live in Blaine.


March 23rd “Ingredients of Joy” Rev. Peg Morgan
On this Easter Sunday we will speak about joy, how we get it and what joy might teach us about life.


March 30th “Building Communities of Compassion” Trudy James, Chaplain
What are communities of compassion? Why are they so necessary in our lives? What do they look like and what are their characteristics? How are such a communities created and sustained? And what implications might we draw for our congregation --one that places a high value on its sense of community?Trudy James, MRE, is a hospital chaplain, and AIDS CareTeam Specialist for Multifaith Works in Seattle. Trudy has developed and worked with CareTeams for people and families living with AIDS for 19 years. She is known nationally for her tireless work in building communities of compassion.


April 6th “Addiction, Hope and Spirituality” Denis Meacham, Associate Minister, First Parish, Brewster MA
In 1988 Denis Meacham’s life was a study in contradictions. He was a successful man of business, founder of his own publishing company. He was a college professor with degrees from Princeton and Harvard. And he was an alcoholic, struggling with a compulsion to drink around the clock. He ended up, with his wife’s help, in a detox center, and his life has never been the same. Ordained in 2002, the Rev. Dr. Denis Meacham is on a quest to equip Unitarian Universalists with the spiritual tools to overcome addictions themselves.


April 13th “Fire of Commitment” Rev. Peg Morgan
Today we will consider what it means to be committed...how much does commitment require and change us?


April 20th “The Earth Is Our Mother” Rev. Connie Yost
In honor of Earth Day on April 22nd, we will celebrate and renew our connections with our mother earth.Rev. Connie Yost is an ordained UU community minister, and founder of Earth Works Community Farm in Los Angeles, a job works community. Connie now divides her time between Hospice and Social Justice ministries in Salem.


April 27th “Stages of Faith and Congregations” Rev. Peg Morgan
Today we will look at the James Fowler "stages of faith" both personally and also in regards to how they apply to the life of a particular congregation...ours. Which stage are we in?

May 4th Rev. Peg Morgan

May 11th “Staying at the Table: The Sustenance of Right Relation” Rev. Karen Taliesin
How can we speak our truth while honoring those with whom we deeply disagree? Allowing the grace of understanding, empathy, and change to manifest itself in ongoing ways in all our relationships is perhaps our most difficult task — yet the one that may offer the very sustenance we need to survive.Rev. Karen Taliesin is a full time Chaplain at Children's Hospital, and a Unitarian Universalist minister associated with East Shore Unitarian in Bellevue. She is a graduate of the School of Theology and Ministry at Seattle University.

S is for Sparkles

Today is letter S day at preschool. Tessa wore a hairband with sparkles, a shirt with silver sparkles, a skirt with sparkles, and (of course) her ruby red sparkle shoes. Oh, yes, and a sparkly necklace. She was thrilled with her choices, and I couldn't help but smile over her enthusiasm.

Today is also Tessa's show and tell at preschool, and she brought Special Bear. She put a bow on him to dress him up, and she couldn't wait.

And best of all....today we're bringing Buttercup the guinea pig home for the weekend. She will live (in her cage) in Tessa's room, and Tessa will be in charge of her care (supervised, of course).

And in case you think it can't get any better for a five year old....it does!

In a few hours, Grandma and Bopa will arrive from Portland for a visit. Tessa knows what she wants to show them, all the things she wants to share with them, etc. Grandma is getting a special picture (I haven't seen it yet but Tessa's going on about it.) And then tonight, the Surface7 are coming, including Tessa's beloved Sari (her closest-in-age Surface cousin).

I am looking forward to these things, too, but NOTHING tops the enthusiasm of a small child, and I delight in that.

Which is good, because I feel crappy. My sore throat is moving into my chest, and I'm grouchy about that. But one day at a time, one day at a time....

Tomorrow night is my girls' night at Lori's for singalong Sound of Music (yes, I'm a dork, and I love being a dork - anyone who hasn't sung along to SOM is missing out in life!). At this rate, I won't be doing much singing....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Okay, off to chores. A loaf of bread to make, Tessa's room to tidy, one more bathroom to clean. I wore gardening clothes today on the off chance that I could even fit in some more weeding before Tessa's pick up, but this may be overly optimistic....

And we're off.

Encouragement

Today I woke up to a nice note from Ryan on my bedside table, and another from Krystal on email, encouraging me in my endeavors to be more frugal and live according to my values, assuring me that I would meet with success.

I needed that. Thank you.

Simple Living

With all of the talk of frugality in this house, I thought I'd create a list of FUN stuff that doesn't cost money - things that bring me joy. Here's a beginning of a list:

Family days on Alki, building a sand castle
Hiking in one of the many parks in West Seattle Attending public library lectures
Attending art night downtown ("First Thursday")
Taking advantage of our memberships to the aquarium, Science Center, and zoo
Exploring different parks and events in the city: What's fun in Magnolia? The arboretum? Kirkland? What's going on in Wallingford these days?Author talks at local bookstores
Take the ferry to Bainbridge and walk around Eagle Harbor
Music at C&P
Snowshoeing in the winter
Hiking in spring, summer, and fall
Camping, camping and more camping: North Cascades, Desolation Pass, Kayak Point, etc are all right in our backyard and fabulous
Family game night with board games
Unwinding at the end of the day with a glass of wine and a square of really good chocolate
Watching movies from the library or Hisatomi-flix
Gardening and anticipating those vine ripe delights: tomatoes, strawberries, blueberries, and more
Watching Shep run on the beach at Lincoln Park
Yoga on the beach, early in the morning, by myself
Family days at the YMCA: swimming together, or doing their family program
Long walks
Sitting on our front porch, the lights out, admiring the stars and drinking hot tea
Having friends around for simple dinners
Visiting family in Portland, Spokane, and Vancouver
Family bike ride to Alki Café and back
Lying in our hammock under the flowering dogwood
Making jam with Tessa and seeing her delight
Visiting community farms to learn about food production
Reading about different people, places, times, and ideas
Browsing all I like at Leisure Books and even buying things sometimes from my account of trades
Candles all over the house lit; sitting quietly and enjoying them
Mornings drinking coffee in bed
Watching birds in our backyard as the flutter around the birdfeeder
The water taxi
Picnics galore
Orcas Island trips to the cabin
Meditating in our living room
Visiting with my parents, seeing their love for Tessa and Shep's love for Foster
Feeling proud of our accomplishments toward simple living and saving the environment
Tea parties
Running into friends at the farmer's market and listening to music together

And here are some of my ideas for being frugal and protecting the environment/lowering my carbon footprint:
Find creative ways to use the food in our refrigerator, not allowing it to go to waste.
Shop according to the seasons and the sales for food: more leeks in winter, more tomatoes in summer, and if we need to eat pork for one week or chicken for a whole week that's okay.
Buy less expensive cuts of meat: whole chicken instead of boneless/skinless breasts, Costco frozen Alaskan wild salmon instead of whatever's at Thriftway, pork tenderloin instead of beef tenderloin, ground beef instead of steak, etc. Save "special" cuts of meat for "special" occassions.
Cook one vegetarian meal per week, and one egg-based meal per week.
Make organic, whole grain bread instead of buying it.
Avoid situations which prompt impulse shopping: trips to Target, Costco, shopping trips with friends, Carmelia's, Marshall's etc. When necessary to go to these places, go in with a list and stick to it.
Lower the thermostat to 66 (it has been at 67 for the past few months, down from 68) and keep it there. Put on a sweater!
Avoid coffee shops except as social destinations. Make coffee at home.
Pack a lunch for Ryan daily.
Use vinegar and baking soda as primary household cleaners.
Switch from disposable Swiffer products to old cut-up t-shirts for rags.
Take Tessa swimming at the Y once a week instead of taking her to swimming lessons.
Use the library and Hisatomi-flix for DVDs, including exercise DVDs.
Sell clothing that is still fashionable but doesn't fit well to consignment shops.
Trade books at Leisure Books, and refrain from buying books.
Refrain from buying magazines (save cost of magazine plus the desire to spend that magazines focus on!).
Never shop as a leisure activity.
Walk instead of driving whenever possible, including Tues/Thurs to and from preschool and Fri home from preschool. Take Shep for these walks.
Burn music CDs from friends (and share mine) instead of buying them.
For gifts, give home-made bread, etc. Keep gift costs low, and announce to friends/family the intent to stop the gift exchanges.
Plan ahead for the holidays - how to cut expenses/gift giving, and how to lower costs by being more organized (e.g. make jam in June).
Resume hiking as a leisure activity; encourage family to join (pack a picnic, spend the day).
Reduce entertaining expenses by having only one family over at a time, or by having potlucks.
Reduce wine intake.
If necessary to buy, buy used: Goodwill, Funky Jane's, Small Clothes, ACS Thrift, Senior Thrift, Leisure Books, etc.
Participate in Michele's "Ecomoms" group, learning how to lower carbon footprint and be economical.
Go on a crusade to turn off lights in the house.
Research how to use gray-water to water the garden.
Take the bus to doc appts or find free parking areas. Research canning, dehydrating, freezing, storing fruits and vegetables. Make jam.

Real, honest to goodness bread

I just had my first bite of home made bread, hot from the bread machine. The house smells excellent, I'm calculating that it's about $1 per loaf for organic bread, and I know exactly went into the bread (no long list of unpronounceable chemical ingredients here....and no preservatives or other nasty extras, either). All I do is measure water, oil (I'm going to experiment with different types; I used canola oil this time), salt, honey (I'm going to try a molasses version, too), flour and yeast, push the buttons, and I'm done.

I'm not going to try garlic cheese bread yet, though it's tempting.

Mulling it over

Ryan, Tessa and I had a really nice Valentine's evening. I picked up some king crab at Costco, and I made a simple dinner of steamed crab with garlic butter, cheesy orzo, and broccoli, with brownies for dessert. I used Great Aunt Helen's dishes - the ones my mom gave me when Ryan and I got married - because they are covered with little pink roses and lots of hand-painted gold flourishes, and most appropriate for Valentine's Day and tea parties. (The rest of the year, they sit in a cupboard...but oh I do love them.) Ryan and I drank wine from our wedding crystal, and Tessa had her milk in a fancy glass. I lit every candle (you know that's a lot - I LOVE candles) in the house and we ate by candlelight. Tessa and I even got dressed up.

After dinner, when Tessa was snug in her bed, Ryan and I stayed up and talked about the ideas I've been discussing in my blog. Though this time it's coming from me, Ryan was the person who first told me about the simplicity movement (Voluntary Simplicity and the book "Your Money or Your Life") and he is certainly on board with the concepts. Without even realizing that I had been writing about it, Ryan proposed a vegetable garden for this year. It's nice to be thinking on the same page.

Here is what I know for sure:
- I'm ready for change
- My spiritual quest is tied to my quest for a healthy body, healthy planet, healthy life
- I am seeking sources of inspiration from Buddhist, Christian, Jewish, Islamic, and other spiritual sources (although it really seems like I'm on the Buddhism track right now, it's not because I'm becoming a Buddhist, it's because it's easier to be focused on one thing at a time in my learning to gain understanding)
- I believe that taking steps toward a healthy planet will actually assist me in having a healthier pocketbook in addition to a healthier body

And in a more concrete way, I know that:
- I want a vegetable garden
- I want to stop buying unnecessary items (a.k.a. most of what I buy)
- I want to hike, camp, snowshoe, spend time in my yard, play on the beach
- I'm going to shop more at PCC and the farmer's market
- I'm researching different food ideas....gardens, root cellars, canning, bread making, jam making, self-pick fruit
- I want to eat more seasonally, and I'm researching how to do this
- I am attempting to lower my carbon footprint by using less energy in our home

Would you even believe that I'd like to make my own cheese and yogurt?! According to A,V,M it can take just minutes to make once you have the system down. She described the process for making mozzarella, and it does sound simple. It would be amazing to make sandwiches this summer from home made bread, home made cheese, and garden grown tomatoes and basil...I think I'd feel like I'd climbed Everestt if I did that.

And yet I do NOT wish to be a pioneer woman. I do not wish to add to my "to do" list so that I feel more inadequate, frazzled, rushed. I just have to figure out how to do these things joyfully, or not do them at all.

In good news, I went to Thriftway (I had to do some banking there, too, as there is a WaMu branch there) this morning and bought a gallon of milk. I stood in front of the case, looking for my usual organic brand, and now they are carrying another brand labeled organic, but this one says "Locally grown!" in big letters. The difference? $6.19 a gallon for my usual organic brand (I try not to look at the cost of the non-organic brands, because I get so horrified at how much I'm spending), and $4.69 a HALF gallon for the "local" brand. I stood in dismay: I'm committed in theory to spending my money on local food, but the price is really awful. I piked up the local one, and read that it's from "Roy, in the shadows of Mt. Rainier." I picked up the other one, and read that it's distributed in Duvall, Washington. Duvall? That's right around the corner, more or less - HURRAH! Finally, I caught a break. I do not need to pay over $9 a gallon for milk. Ha.

Happy birthday, sweet girl

As I write this, my five year old is playing "pony set up" with Anna, happy as a clam. I'm hearing their creative imaginings as they contrive elaborate stories about good ponies and mean ponies and all that they do, and Tessa is in heaven about it all.

Five years ago, at this time, I was lying in a hospital bed at Swedish, holding Ryan's hand, talking to Susan & Libby, and looking at my huge belly and wondering how a baby would ever emerge from my body. (Even having experienced giving birth, I still find it somewhat confusing that it's even possible...but that's another post.) I was filled with excitement and anticipation, and couldn't even imagine what it would be like to hold my child in my arms, but I knew that it was what I wanted more than I'd ever wanted anything in my life.

At 4:08pm on this day five years ago, when Tessa took her first breath, Ryan softly said, "It's Tessa!" and I learned that I had a daughter. I can still barely believe my good fortune of that moment: I've said it before, and I'll say it again...I would have adored a son, but I had always wanted a daughter. Tessa truly is the child I spent my lifetime dreaming about. She is all I have ever wished for, and more. In my dreams, I never understood just how much I could love a child, but Tessa has taught me.

In these first five years together, as a family, we have experienced so much. There have been more joys than I can count, along with (more than?) our share of sorrow. Throughout it all, Tessa has been the glue that held us together.

Ryan is the father I hoped he would be. He is funny, strong, and encouraging of his daughter. Tessa, needless to say, adores him. When I watch my husband and child play together, I know that I gave Tessa the best gift of all by choosing such an amazing father for her, and my heart is filled with the two of them.

Today, as I bake cakes, hang streamers, and prepare for the PEPS gang to come over, I do it with gladness. Sure, I'm trying to give Tessa a fabulous birthday, but it's also my own celebration. Five years of being a family; five years of learning how deeply we can love one another; five years of talking about the beauty of dewdrops and how much fun it is to go on the swings and petting every dog that walks by us. Five years of childhood magic, even in the middle of temper tantrums and messes and billions of loads of laundry. It is more worth it than I ever imagined.

Happy birthday, Tessa. I love you, sweetheart. Thank you for being you!

Five years

This week, Tessa turns five.

I find this fact somewhat bewildering. How on earth is it possible that she's so big? When she was an infant, I was so overwhelmed by the largeness of her tinyness; when she was a toddler I thought maybe she'd stay that way forever. But time marches on, and I find myself the mother of a precocious pre-kindergartener. I wouldn't change it, but I'm bewildered anyway.

This is a week of birthday: today is the family party at the pool; this Wednesday we'll have PEPS at our house to celebrate; and on Sunday she's having a few very close girlfriends over for her "girl party" (she really IS my daughter!). Yesterday she and I made chocolate cakes together, and today we frosted them with rasperry icing (home made; the raspberry tastes good but best of all it makes the frosting pink) and Tessa was in charge of putting on the sprinkles.

I will try to love every celebration, and not get caught up in my "to-do" lists for each party. I will remember that it's about the joy of her birth, about the celebration of her life, about the relationships she shares with others. I will try to remember that it's okay if the food's not perfect, if somebody gets sick and can't come, if our parties aren't as extravagent as others'. I will try to remember to laugh, and to share Tessa's pleasure at the small things: a balloon that's just the right color; putting up streamers.

Happy birthday, Tessa. I love you!

Okay, 30 seconds of Zen

After my grouchy post, I came upstairs and looked out the window.

There, on the birdfeeder that Tessa insisted that we buy last year (she didn't have to push too hard), were a handful of sweet little birds. I looked them up in our Seattle Bird Guide, and they are juncos. Then, we got to see a larger Northern Flicker (woodpecker) with brilliant red under its wings and tail. I stood at the back door for a little bit and watched this small piece of nature flitting through my back yard, and for a moment the girls were playing well and kind to one another, and I had to remind myself to stop being so grouchy.

Reminder to self: I live in perhaps the most beautiful part of the world. The Olympics were out in full color today: stunning. There are gorgeous wild birds flittering through my back yard. My house is warm, my health problem is a scratchy throat and not a lump (shudder), my dog follows me around because he loves me, my husband likes his job and called while at work to check on me to send his love....and I have an amazing child. Even when she's driving me crazy.

Down time

The short version? Tessa's got a cold.

Today we're having some enforced down time, despite the busy day I had planned. Instead of touring Alki Elementary, working on Komen's Race for the Cure website, taking Tessa to preschool, and attending a Race meeting, Tessa and I have stayed home and had a very quiet day.

Despite my anxiety about not getting these things done (Komen is on a short deadline and I have a LOT of work to do, which I really must get done, so that in particular is stressful to me), it has been a nice day. I've done some cleaning projects around the house, hung some pictures on the "family wall" in the family room (it's all hodge-podge with different frames and picture sizes, but what the heck...the rest of that room is hodge-podge too and it's nice to have family pics up), and played with Tessa.

Tessa and I have sat and played together more in the past day than in the past week. We've played horses with a set that my mom gave her a couple of years ago; we read for well over an hour from a book about children from around the world (and looked at the dolls of the world set that she received for Christmas to see their clothing and compare), we made an 84 piece puzzle of a map of the United States (which she needed assistance with, but was a great opportunity to talk about who we know that lives in different states, what crops were grown where, etc.), we watched birds on the birdfeeder in the back yard (we both really like the bluejays), we've cleaned together (Tessa's job is to help me with dusting - she's really proud of herself for helping with chores and I will not squelch that kind of enthusiasm, knowing full well that one day she'll shriek at me if I ask her to help)....lots and lots of quiet on one time.

Man, I love my daughter.

One of my favorite songs is "Lullaby" by the Dixie Chicks, and today reminded me of lines from that song:

"I'll slip in bed while you're asleep,
And hold you close to feel your breath on me.
Tomorrow there'll be so much to do,
So tonight I'll drift inside a dream with you."

Today, the drifting happened while we were awake, and that was such a lovely pleasure. No rush, no hustle, no bustle....just spending time together, with nothing to accomplish, and nowhere to go.

The next lines of the song say,
"How long do you want to be loved?
Is forever enough? Is forever enough?"

No, forever is not enough, but it is certainly my promise to Tessa.

Parenting is difficult; sometimes, it feels like an impossibly large burden, and I feel my frustration rising as I just long for -deeply yearn for- 20 minutes of uninterrupted thoughts. Not today. Today, I'm reminded that I really, truly love being with my daughter. I love hearing what she thinks, and I love learning the workings of her mind. I think she's funny, and fun, and interesting, and though I do NOT want to speed up the clock (no! slow down!), I can not wait to know her when she is a woman. I can not wait to see the person that she is becoming, and to watch our relationship grow. One day, if I am lucky, I will get to see her become a mother, and I know deep in my soul that she will be wonderful. One day, if I am lucky, I will get to see Tessa change the world in ways big or small. I have no doubt about it. This is not pressure on her to do something grand like become president or cure poverty...but she is such a lovely person, filled with love and compassion, that the world is a better place because she is in it, and she will improve the world through her existance. All things are possible in her.

The ramblings of a besotted mother? Absolutely. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: every child should be loved and adored as much as I love Tessa. Of course I'm biased. I don't care - I think she's part magic, and that magic is so filled with possibility.

All of this because of cancelled plans, because of enforced slowness. I feel sorry for Tessa's runny nose and tickly throat, but selfishly, I'm glad she got a cold. I hope it goes away before it makes her feel too bad, but I am grateful for the reminders the cold brought.

When tomorrow or the next day is doubly busy because of falling behind with everything today, I truly hope that I can remember this. I hope I can still find small moments to just play, to question, to listen to Tessa. Talk of "put your shoes on" and "hurry up, we're late" and "let's go to the grocery store" and even "we're going to a playdate" is all well and fine and necessary, but just sitting and reading until we're tired of reading (and not until the clock tells us that it's time to stop) is a rare treat. I hope I remember to do that more often....without the poor kid getting a cold.

And...not to end on a sour note...but I have to say it anyway.

As I dream about the woman that Tessa will become, I curse damn cancer for threatening to prevent me from seeing that transformation. I have no promises. The clouds appear far off and in the distance, but I fear the storm that they might bring. I'm praying for sunshine and sprinkles, but no hurricanes. I want to be here for myself and my family. I want to be here to stand at Ryan's side and watch our Tessa grow into herself. I want that more than anything I've ever wanted before.