Today I return to my chemo schedule. The week "off" hasn't felt like a vacation, unfortunately... I kept wishing that I was advancing on the chemo list, instead of sitting still. I am anxious to move forward toward the end of treatment, and treading water made me feel tired without actually making progress.
However, today I will sit in the big chair again and learn what the next part of my treatment feels like. Today, in addition to the anti-emetics that I am given (a whole handful of drugs designed with the sole purpose of keeping my lunch where it belongs) I will be given a new chemo drug, Taxol, and the exciting new drug Herceptin (which is not a chemo drug, but a "biological agent" which attacks only my particular type of cancer, which is Her2/neu+). The Taxol is given weekly for 12 weeks (last day: December 14) but the Herceptin will be given weekly for a year or more (there are some studies in the works that say that perhaps 3 years of treatment with Herceptin is preferable; my oncologist says we'll cross that line when we get there).
Taxol's predicted side effects are loss of eyebrows and eyelashes (which have thinned, but still look relatively normal on the AC treatment), and possible neuropathy in the hands, feet and face (tingling and numbness). I have been taking Glucosamine for the neuropathy; nothing helps keep hair, though. In positive news with Taxol, it should have lessened side effects for nausea, and I should feel better in general than I have on the AC, although the fatigue effects are cumulative. My hair may also start to grow (on my head, not eyebrows etc...isn't that strange?) on the Taxol, though it won't "really" grow until I'm done with chemo. My hope is that for Easter I will have no visible scalp and at least really short hair, but we will see.
Herceptin's primary side effect is a weakening of the heart muscle. I had to have a MUGA test on my heart prior to beginning treatment to make sure that my heart was strong enough for Herceptin; indeed, my heart started this strong. I am told that I will have periodic MUGAs as I go through treatment to make sure that my heart muscle is strong enough to continue with the Herceptin. Some people have vomiting as a side effect of the first Herceptin treatment, but subsequent treatments tend to be easier...it's just the first one that can be so nasty. (That's okay in general, but as I face my first treatment it doesn't sound particularly fun.) The only thing that really scares me today - but it's a biggie - is that some people have a fatally allergic reaction to the Herceptin. The percentage is absolutely miniscule, and they will administer it very slowly and give me Benedryl as a precaution...but let's just say that I will feel better when the whole thing is over with and I'm writing about it from the other side.
Herceptin, despite my fears, is a VERY exciting drug. It was only released in June - the month I was diagnosed - for early stage breast cancer treatment, and the medical community fell into an excited uproar about it because it is so promising. The use of Herceptin has cut the rate of recurrance by 52%. No other drug has done anything nearly that amazing for Her2/neu+ cancers. Forget any studies that you have read about prognosis, because Herceptin changes all of that. Herceptin is the reason that I'm so optimistic about my long term survival - it really does seem like a wonder-drug. (If you do a Google search on it, or go to the Komen.org or breastcancer.org websites, you'll see all kinds of great information about it. Her2/neu+ breast cancer used to be a "bad" kind to get...now it's a "good" kind.)
For friends and family this might be a bit of an overshare, but as there are other newly diagnosed women who read my blog to learn about treatment, I'll share a bit more...
It looks like I'm at the start of menopause, or "chemopause." I expected my period last week, and instead I'm getting hot flashes. They're bearable, though not fun. I'm not breaking out in a sweat, I just get a feverish feeling that rushes over my body - particularly my upper body and face - that subsides pretty quickly. The worst part is that it interrupts my sleep - I wake up roasting hot, throw off the covers, and then as the hot flash exits I feel cold an have to bundle myself up again. Anyway, it's very strange to think of myself as a 36 year old in menopause; we know that mine is not just temporary (chemo induced menopause, nicknamed "chemopause," often ends some time after treatment in women who were not already close to natural menopause) because on my long list of things to do is to schedule an appointment to have an oopharectomy/hysterectomy. Joy, joy, fun fun.
Though it's amazing how well I have tolerated chemo, it's also amazing to me how foreign my body has become to me. I have symptoms that are textbook for AC treatment, including:
- sleeplessness (I can't sleep without drugs any more, and even those aren't working now)
- metallic taste in my mouth
- fatigue
- hot flashes
- gritty eyes that tear up a lot
- food aversions
- nausea that makes me need to eat every couple of hours
- loss of libido
- loss of hair (obviously!)
- painful constipation
- dry skin (something I've never experienced before)
- chemobrain...I feel like I can't remember anything, and I've dropped about 50 IQ points.
This Christmas I certainly hope to be celebrating the end of all of this. I still need to figure out what kind of surgery to schedule for the winter (oopharectomy, hysterectomy, or both), and whether I need to do radiation (usually five days a week for six weeks), and what kind of hormone therapy (possibly Femara, an aromatase inhibitor) to start....but finishing chemo will be a big, big milestone.
And on that note, I need to go take my medications and get ready for my day. I hope that my "medical update" is helpful to you in understanding all of this, and answers some of the questions people have been asking me.
Love,
Kristina
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Back from the LiveSTRONG Ride
We are home! We had a great time with friends and family this weekend. Ryan was able to attend the (very inspiring) pasta dinner hosted by the LiveSTRONG team, and had the privilege of seeing not only Lance Armstrong, but also Bob Role, George Hincapie, and Eddie Mercks (I'm certain I've spelled most of those names incorrectly - sorry) speak. Tessa and I spent a lot of time hanging out with GG and Auntie Charlotte, and we got in lots of pool time at the hotel.
Here are pictures from the weekend...
Lance & Bob at the podium:
Uncle Mike with Eddie:
Team DJ at the finish:
Ryan, Tessa, and I at the finish:
Charlotte & Mike at the finish:
The event raised about 1.2 million dollars - wow! The LAF website is showing that Ryan raised $1785.00 right so far (hurrah!) but we know that number does not include Microsoft's matching or donations that were sent via regular mail yet (give it time, and we know they'll show up). THANK YOU to everyone who supported us. We're glad to have been able to do this event, to see the survivors there, and to know that the money is going to help kick cancer's a**.
Love,
Kristina
Here are pictures from the weekend...
Lance & Bob at the podium:
Uncle Mike with Eddie:
Team DJ at the finish:
Ryan, Tessa, and I at the finish:
Charlotte & Mike at the finish:
The event raised about 1.2 million dollars - wow! The LAF website is showing that Ryan raised $1785.00 right so far (hurrah!) but we know that number does not include Microsoft's matching or donations that were sent via regular mail yet (give it time, and we know they'll show up). THANK YOU to everyone who supported us. We're glad to have been able to do this event, to see the survivors there, and to know that the money is going to help kick cancer's a**.
Love,
Kristina
Friday, September 23, 2005
Friday's update
A quick post - much to do, not enough time...which is the way of things most days!
Today we went to preschool and Tessa had a great time. I enjoy watching her make new friends and adapt to the preschool environment, and I'm proud of the good manners she has displayed so far at preschool. I love to watch her dance and sing during the music portion - her whole face lights up.
After preschool we ran some errands, and now we're home. I need to start getting ready for our big trip to Portland this weekend. We're looking forward to seeing Portland family, and visiting with Charlotte & Mike (who are staying at the same hotel), and hooking up with the Team DJ crew.
Ryan got a very exciting phone call last night. It seems that Mike's riding partner for the LiveSTRONG ride raised enough money that she was given two tickets to the pasta dinner the night before (which we believe that Lance will attend), but she can't make it. She gave the two tickets to Mike...who is sharing one with Ryan. Ryan is thrilled by this! Lance has been Ryan's hero, on many levels, for a long time now, and so this is a thrilling opportunity for him. Thank you to Uncle Mike for sharing, and to Aunt Charlotte for giving up her place at Uncle Mike's side so that Ryan can attend. This means that Ryan will miss the family/friends dinner the night before, but we hope that our family and friends will understand what an amazing - and once in a lifetime - opportunity this is for Ryan.
I will be offline all weekend; we leave tomorrow morning for Portland and don't return until Monday - the race is Sunday. At last count, the website shows that Ryan raised $1680.00, and we know that Microsoft is matching a portion of that, and that there may be some donations still being processed through snail mail. THANK YOU SO MUCH to the friends and family who have supported this worthy cause. I hope that by the time Tessa is an adult the word "cancer" doesn't carry such scary connotations, because we will have found better ways to treat or cure it.
Love,
Kristina
Today we went to preschool and Tessa had a great time. I enjoy watching her make new friends and adapt to the preschool environment, and I'm proud of the good manners she has displayed so far at preschool. I love to watch her dance and sing during the music portion - her whole face lights up.
After preschool we ran some errands, and now we're home. I need to start getting ready for our big trip to Portland this weekend. We're looking forward to seeing Portland family, and visiting with Charlotte & Mike (who are staying at the same hotel), and hooking up with the Team DJ crew.
Ryan got a very exciting phone call last night. It seems that Mike's riding partner for the LiveSTRONG ride raised enough money that she was given two tickets to the pasta dinner the night before (which we believe that Lance will attend), but she can't make it. She gave the two tickets to Mike...who is sharing one with Ryan. Ryan is thrilled by this! Lance has been Ryan's hero, on many levels, for a long time now, and so this is a thrilling opportunity for him. Thank you to Uncle Mike for sharing, and to Aunt Charlotte for giving up her place at Uncle Mike's side so that Ryan can attend. This means that Ryan will miss the family/friends dinner the night before, but we hope that our family and friends will understand what an amazing - and once in a lifetime - opportunity this is for Ryan.
I will be offline all weekend; we leave tomorrow morning for Portland and don't return until Monday - the race is Sunday. At last count, the website shows that Ryan raised $1680.00, and we know that Microsoft is matching a portion of that, and that there may be some donations still being processed through snail mail. THANK YOU SO MUCH to the friends and family who have supported this worthy cause. I hope that by the time Tessa is an adult the word "cancer" doesn't carry such scary connotations, because we will have found better ways to treat or cure it.
Love,
Kristina
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Coming out of my bad mood
Blogging is a very strange way to share one's life with people. At the touch of a button, I've notified who-knows-how-many people about my mood du jour. I'm never sure who exactly reads my blog - I don't have a counter or anything like that, and most people do not comment. I just know that I have lots of people reading it because every now and then somebody will say, "I already know about that - I read your blog." My life is public at this point, but I have no idea who my "public" is. Very surreal! I don't mind, really, or I'd stop the blog, but it is strange, none-the-less.
Yesterday I was in a bad mood, and I pouted online, I suppose. Thanks for listening. ;-) Today I'm doing much better.
This morning we went to co-op preschool, and although Tessa was INCREDIBLY clingy during the free play time (she never left the Play-Doh station, which I was in charge of) she sang, danced, and clapped through the music portion, and was in a great mood after that. Music comes after snack and I think she was hungry - she must be in a growth spurt, because after an adult sized oatmeal with raisens and milk for breakfast, and a big snack of Cheerios, she was hungry again at preschool. I guess I'll have to work on getting more food into her before preschool each time (and more protein, too).
Now Tessa is tucked into bed for her nap - although I hear her playing and so no nap is likely - and the dishwasher is going, the laundry is folded, and I can rest for a minute or two. After nap I think we'll try to take advantage of the great weather, as it's a perfect fall day: crisp and sunny. Maybe a trip to the park is in order. This week a housekeeper - thanks to the generousity of friends - came to clean our home, and that's such a relief - the kitchen (including fridge) is scrubbed, everything's dusted, the bathrooms are clean, and I don't have to deal with it. Hurrah!
I am feeling relatively healthy, but I'm still disgusted with the fact that I had to skip chemo. Usually I'm okay with dealing with all of this stuff, but it is more disheartening than I can say that I have to endure all this for another week. I'm tired of being bald, tired of having itchy eyes, tired of the metallic taste in my mouth, tired of taking handfuls of pills each day, tired of having to eat all the time or suffer the (nausea) consequences, tired of doctors appointments and finding childcare, and just plain tired. It's all worth it to get better, of course, but that doesn't mean that I have to like it. And I do not.
I hope that you're doing well. Love to all!
Kristina
Yesterday I was in a bad mood, and I pouted online, I suppose. Thanks for listening. ;-) Today I'm doing much better.
This morning we went to co-op preschool, and although Tessa was INCREDIBLY clingy during the free play time (she never left the Play-Doh station, which I was in charge of) she sang, danced, and clapped through the music portion, and was in a great mood after that. Music comes after snack and I think she was hungry - she must be in a growth spurt, because after an adult sized oatmeal with raisens and milk for breakfast, and a big snack of Cheerios, she was hungry again at preschool. I guess I'll have to work on getting more food into her before preschool each time (and more protein, too).
Now Tessa is tucked into bed for her nap - although I hear her playing and so no nap is likely - and the dishwasher is going, the laundry is folded, and I can rest for a minute or two. After nap I think we'll try to take advantage of the great weather, as it's a perfect fall day: crisp and sunny. Maybe a trip to the park is in order. This week a housekeeper - thanks to the generousity of friends - came to clean our home, and that's such a relief - the kitchen (including fridge) is scrubbed, everything's dusted, the bathrooms are clean, and I don't have to deal with it. Hurrah!
I am feeling relatively healthy, but I'm still disgusted with the fact that I had to skip chemo. Usually I'm okay with dealing with all of this stuff, but it is more disheartening than I can say that I have to endure all this for another week. I'm tired of being bald, tired of having itchy eyes, tired of the metallic taste in my mouth, tired of taking handfuls of pills each day, tired of having to eat all the time or suffer the (nausea) consequences, tired of doctors appointments and finding childcare, and just plain tired. It's all worth it to get better, of course, but that doesn't mean that I have to like it. And I do not.
I hope that you're doing well. Love to all!
Kristina
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Getting better
Physically, I'm doing much better today. Phew.
Spiritually, I'm more down. I am so, so disappointed that my treatment is off track, if only for a week. That's one more week that I have to deal with this crap, and I hate that I'm stalled, even temporarily.
It puts me in a bad mood.
More updates again when I'm more chipper. All is well, it's just a bad mood. This too shall pass.
Kristina
Spiritually, I'm more down. I am so, so disappointed that my treatment is off track, if only for a week. That's one more week that I have to deal with this crap, and I hate that I'm stalled, even temporarily.
It puts me in a bad mood.
More updates again when I'm more chipper. All is well, it's just a bad mood. This too shall pass.
Kristina
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Chemo canceled due to stomach flu
Sigh.
I have picked up Tessa's stomach bug. I called the nurse at the oncologist, and she said what I feared she would - no chemo for me tomorrow. There is a fear that I might become dehydrated, and that my minor flu could land me in the hospital. I will resume chemo next week.
*&%$. (Please substitute the four letter word of your choice here.)
My new last day of chemo, assuming no more cancellations, is December 14.
Kristina
PS I'm okay. Not great, but okay. I have horrible cramps and other unmentionables that go along with the stomach flu. I guess sometimes you get what you ask for - I didn't want to be constipated any more and now I'm not.......! I asked Ryan to come home from work to take care of Tessa and he just got home a bit ago. I'm going to sulk in bed and in front of the TV.
I have picked up Tessa's stomach bug. I called the nurse at the oncologist, and she said what I feared she would - no chemo for me tomorrow. There is a fear that I might become dehydrated, and that my minor flu could land me in the hospital. I will resume chemo next week.
*&%$. (Please substitute the four letter word of your choice here.)
My new last day of chemo, assuming no more cancellations, is December 14.
Kristina
PS I'm okay. Not great, but okay. I have horrible cramps and other unmentionables that go along with the stomach flu. I guess sometimes you get what you ask for - I didn't want to be constipated any more and now I'm not.......! I asked Ryan to come home from work to take care of Tessa and he just got home a bit ago. I'm going to sulk in bed and in front of the TV.
Monday, September 19, 2005
Pictures from the weekend on Orcas
Here are a few pics - one of the Surface3 on a tree overhanging Cascade Lake in Moran State Park, one of Ryan and Tessa with the view from Mt. Constitution in the background, and the other of Marisa and I. I may be biased but I think that Orcas Island is one of the most beautiful places in the world...the pictures may prove that point.
Have I mentioned lately that I'm really looking forward to having hair again? The bandana thing is getting old fast. However, on the new drug (Taxol) that I start on Wednesday, it's possible that even though my eyebrows and eyelashes will fall out, the hair on my head may start to grow. How crazy is that?!
Hanging in there
I just thought that I should touch base with my loyal readers ;-) to let you know I'm doing fine. I'm grouchy, but I guess we all have a right to be grouchy some days, right? I'm just tired of all the crap that we've been dealing with, and I want to say "Enough!" I don't want to be brave, strong, graceful, or inspiring. I want to be done. Just done. I want to recover my life - our lives - and move forward. And I know I/we have a long, long journey before I/we can truly do that.
We had a wonderful weekend on Orcas with Marisa & Max. Marisa was an incredible hostess, as always, and we did all of our usual Orcas things. Oh, and I ate about five billion extra calories...I completely binged this weekend and I'll have to diet for a year to burn off the pounds!
Tessa is still suffering some digestive troubles, and has been a bit punky. I called the nurses' line today and they assure me that it sounds like the tail end of a viral thing that has been going around, and also assure me I shouldn't worry. She has bouts of being incredibly active and energetic, but then she gets tired and she gets diarrhea. She is not feverish or vomiting, so those things are good.
I just don't feel chatty, so I'll keep it at that, and I'll update more later when I feel my regular self. I hope that all of you are well.
Kristina
We had a wonderful weekend on Orcas with Marisa & Max. Marisa was an incredible hostess, as always, and we did all of our usual Orcas things. Oh, and I ate about five billion extra calories...I completely binged this weekend and I'll have to diet for a year to burn off the pounds!
Tessa is still suffering some digestive troubles, and has been a bit punky. I called the nurses' line today and they assure me that it sounds like the tail end of a viral thing that has been going around, and also assure me I shouldn't worry. She has bouts of being incredibly active and energetic, but then she gets tired and she gets diarrhea. She is not feverish or vomiting, so those things are good.
I just don't feel chatty, so I'll keep it at that, and I'll update more later when I feel my regular self. I hope that all of you are well.
Kristina
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Last chance to support Ryan on the LAF ride!
Hello! I just wanted to include a note that tomorrow - my birthday, September 16! - is the last day to support Ryan on the Lance Armstrong LiveSTRONG Portland bike ride. Ryan has raised over $1600 thanks to the generousity of many of you already, and we are SO grateful for the work YOU are doing to fight cancer. Thank you!
If you have considered contributing, but haven't yet, please consider it now. You may donate to any cause at any time and we will support you - we're all fighting the good fight here - but if you wish to support Ryan on his ride, the deadline for online donations is end of day tomorrow.
Some of you have indicated that it is hard to log on to the website, and I am so sorry to hear it. When you click on the link (to the right in the box or the link below) it should take you to Ryan's personal page which has a "donate" button,
Support Ryan's LAF LiveSTRONG Portland Ride
but sometimes it isn't working. If it doesn't work, then you can follow these steps:
1. Click on the link
2. At the top of the page, click on the yellow "donate" button
3. Scroll down to the section that says "LiveSTRONG Portland Ride Donations" and click on "donate to a LiveSTRONG Portland rider"
4. This will prompt you for rider information. Enter ONLY Ryan's last name (Surface) and none of the other data, and hit "Search"
5. Scroll to the bottom and click on Ryan's name (he's the only Surface in the ride), and it will take you to the page.
It should not be this complicated, and I apologize - I'm not in charge of the technicalities of the website, so I have no idea why it's working easily for some and others have to use this work-around.
The ride is just over a week away, and Ryan has been training. I look forward to cheering him over the finish line - Tessa and I will be cheering loudly! We have several friends (Uncle Mike, Paul, Libby, Kent, Leah, and Darren) who are also doing the ride, and I'm so proud of these wonderful people for taking on this fabulous cause. And I'm so proud of YOU for your donations - thank you. Let's kick cancer's a**!
Live Strong!
Kristina
If you have considered contributing, but haven't yet, please consider it now. You may donate to any cause at any time and we will support you - we're all fighting the good fight here - but if you wish to support Ryan on his ride, the deadline for online donations is end of day tomorrow.
Some of you have indicated that it is hard to log on to the website, and I am so sorry to hear it. When you click on the link (to the right in the box or the link below) it should take you to Ryan's personal page which has a "donate" button,
Support Ryan's LAF LiveSTRONG Portland Ride
but sometimes it isn't working. If it doesn't work, then you can follow these steps:
1. Click on the link
2. At the top of the page, click on the yellow "donate" button
3. Scroll down to the section that says "LiveSTRONG Portland Ride Donations" and click on "donate to a LiveSTRONG Portland rider"
4. This will prompt you for rider information. Enter ONLY Ryan's last name (Surface) and none of the other data, and hit "Search"
5. Scroll to the bottom and click on Ryan's name (he's the only Surface in the ride), and it will take you to the page.
It should not be this complicated, and I apologize - I'm not in charge of the technicalities of the website, so I have no idea why it's working easily for some and others have to use this work-around.
The ride is just over a week away, and Ryan has been training. I look forward to cheering him over the finish line - Tessa and I will be cheering loudly! We have several friends (Uncle Mike, Paul, Libby, Kent, Leah, and Darren) who are also doing the ride, and I'm so proud of these wonderful people for taking on this fabulous cause. And I'm so proud of YOU for your donations - thank you. Let's kick cancer's a**!
Live Strong!
Kristina
A good day!
Well, I am VERY pleased to report that Tessa and I are having a good day. She has been doing well, with no digestive upsets, and is getting back on her regular diet (though I've refrained from giving her milk so far). I am also feeling more like myself, so we walked to the preschool (only 8 blocks away) to deliver the library books (I'm the class librarian) for the kids who start today; Tessa had a grand time in the jogging stroller and I got a little exercise. Then, we met Michele & Elliott at Starbucks and visited for a while before heading back home. On the way home we stopped at Salon Effekts and visited with Krista and made Tessa a hair appointment (it seems crazy to take Tessa to a "salon" but she likes it and it actually costs less than the kid places with the airplane seats etc...and like I said, I'm Krista's loyal customer for life after the kindness she has showed me!). Then, we came home, hopped in the car, and joined Michele, Dave, and Elliott at their home for lunch and a playdate. Now we're home and Tessa is avoiding napping....see, I told you she was feeling better!
When quiet time is over we will go to Costco. Just another normal day!
I'm not sure if I'll be online tomorrow because in the morning we'll go to preschool, then I'm meeting Heather for a birthday lunch (am I really 36?!), and then we're going to the east side to pick up Marisa, Max, and Ryan to go to Orcas. HOORAY! I can't wait. Forget about breast cancer - I have birthday cake to eat. ;-)
Love to all,
Kristina
When quiet time is over we will go to Costco. Just another normal day!
I'm not sure if I'll be online tomorrow because in the morning we'll go to preschool, then I'm meeting Heather for a birthday lunch (am I really 36?!), and then we're going to the east side to pick up Marisa, Max, and Ryan to go to Orcas. HOORAY! I can't wait. Forget about breast cancer - I have birthday cake to eat. ;-)
Love to all,
Kristina
Thursday morning - so far so good!
Well, Tessa slept through the night last night without incident, and this morning she woke up hungry. HURRAH! I made her oatmeal with some apples and a little bit of yogurt in it, and I'm hoping that was the right thing to do. We're not letting her drink milk just yet, as I'm still afraid of the consequences, but - fingers crossed here - this bug might be as short as the last one. Let's hope it's gone for good!
We will have a quiet day today, do some grocery shopping but stay close to home so that we can all be well, because I really want to go to Orcas for my birthday. I would be so sad to cancel, and I don't plan on canceling!
I hope that you have a great day. I feel SO much better now that I've slept, that Tessa's better, and of course I'm further away from my last treatment and that helps, too....
Love to all,
Kristina
We will have a quiet day today, do some grocery shopping but stay close to home so that we can all be well, because I really want to go to Orcas for my birthday. I would be so sad to cancel, and I don't plan on canceling!
I hope that you have a great day. I feel SO much better now that I've slept, that Tessa's better, and of course I'm further away from my last treatment and that helps, too....
Love to all,
Kristina
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
The end of a long day
As I type, Ryan is tucking Tessa into bed for the evening. Some time around 7pm, she started to act her normal self - sparkle in her eyes, more talkative, and she finally wanted some food. We gave her chicken rice soup, bread, and banana for dinner, and she was relatively uninterested, but I knew that she was going to be okay when she said, "Mommy, I would like some noodles please!" Thankfully, pasta is on the list of things I feel comfortable giving a child with an upset stomach, so I was grateful to oblige. (She has never even once asked me for noodles, and it's certainly not a dish we'd eat plain for dinner on a normal night, but she must have known what was best for her.) She ate about a 1/4 cup, which is an insubstantial amount for her usual appetite, but a massive improvement over the day's activities.
Her digestive system, overall, seems to be on the mend, and once again I have hope. And I hope that my hopes aren't dashed to the ground by morning!
Tonight my parents were going to have my birthday party at their house... sigh. My 36th birthday is not faring well so far. As long as we don't have to cancel going to Orcas this weekend I will survive...but be prepared for a major temper tantrum from me if I have to cancel THAT!
Amazing how a toddler's upset tummy can make even cancer take a back seat. Sure, I'm tired and bald, but that's nothing compared to having a sick child. I suppose that all the cliches about motherhood are true.
And with that...I'm off to bed. Good night!
Kristina
Her digestive system, overall, seems to be on the mend, and once again I have hope. And I hope that my hopes aren't dashed to the ground by morning!
Tonight my parents were going to have my birthday party at their house... sigh. My 36th birthday is not faring well so far. As long as we don't have to cancel going to Orcas this weekend I will survive...but be prepared for a major temper tantrum from me if I have to cancel THAT!
Amazing how a toddler's upset tummy can make even cancer take a back seat. Sure, I'm tired and bald, but that's nothing compared to having a sick child. I suppose that all the cliches about motherhood are true.
And with that...I'm off to bed. Good night!
Kristina
Help is on the way!
My mother just called, telling me that she is in the car, and coming to take care of Tessa.
Hallelujah. THANK YOU MOM! Today I need a break more than ever before, and I am so grateful.
Love,
K
PS For those who want to know...no more barf, but diarrhea has been added to the mix. Ack.......... Tessa is in pretty good spirits, but looks pretty pale, and just had her first bites to eat (toast and Gatorade - she hates Pedialyte). Let's hope they stay down! I know she's not well when she doesn't wake up and demand food immediately, as usually by 10am she's had two or three breakfasts. Literally!
Hallelujah. THANK YOU MOM! Today I need a break more than ever before, and I am so grateful.
Love,
K
PS For those who want to know...no more barf, but diarrhea has been added to the mix. Ack.......... Tessa is in pretty good spirits, but looks pretty pale, and just had her first bites to eat (toast and Gatorade - she hates Pedialyte). Let's hope they stay down! I know she's not well when she doesn't wake up and demand food immediately, as usually by 10am she's had two or three breakfasts. Literally!
Wahhhhhhh
This morning at about 5am, I heard Tessa "sneeze." Well, it wasn't a sneeze - this morning when I went to check on her she had thrown up again, and it was on her sheets and pillow. Ryan cleaned up around her and she is still sleeping now.
I'm so sad about this on any number of levels. Of course, I'm sorry for Tessa, who doesn't deserve to be sick. But this is also the day that my mom was going to take Tessa to give me some time to myself - my last day "off" before I do weekly chemo for 12 weeks. This was also my birthday dinner night (my actual birthday is Friday when we're supposed to go to Orcas) with my parents and some other family - my only actual birthday celebration this year. This was also the day that I was going to shop for my own birthday presents from Ryan and my parents (I want boots from Ryan, and a light fixture from my parents, and this is the one day I had to pick them out). I also still feel like crap, and the idea of another day like yesterday makes me want to sit on the floor and cry. I just don't have it in me to do another day where I feel that horrible but I have to be the caregiver, not receiving care.
I will do what I have to do because I have no choice. I will be a good mommy to Tessa, and I will wash loads of sheets and comforters, and I will comfort my little girl. I will send my husband to work so that he can be a provider for the family, and I'll figure it out. But it sucks.
Kristina
I'm so sad about this on any number of levels. Of course, I'm sorry for Tessa, who doesn't deserve to be sick. But this is also the day that my mom was going to take Tessa to give me some time to myself - my last day "off" before I do weekly chemo for 12 weeks. This was also my birthday dinner night (my actual birthday is Friday when we're supposed to go to Orcas) with my parents and some other family - my only actual birthday celebration this year. This was also the day that I was going to shop for my own birthday presents from Ryan and my parents (I want boots from Ryan, and a light fixture from my parents, and this is the one day I had to pick them out). I also still feel like crap, and the idea of another day like yesterday makes me want to sit on the floor and cry. I just don't have it in me to do another day where I feel that horrible but I have to be the caregiver, not receiving care.
I will do what I have to do because I have no choice. I will be a good mommy to Tessa, and I will wash loads of sheets and comforters, and I will comfort my little girl. I will send my husband to work so that he can be a provider for the family, and I'll figure it out. But it sucks.
Kristina
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Patting myself on the back
It's my blog, and so I'm going to pat myself on the back.
Today, I am incredibly proud of myself not only for surviving through feeling horrible (I think this may be my worst day yet...sigh), but for being an active mother. I made it to PEPS, made brownies with Tessa, went to the library (and Tessa got her first library card - she doesn't want to use mine now!), ran laundry and the dishes, took Tessa on a tricycle ride around the block, and in a few minutes we'll sit down to corn, winter squash, and ribs from dinner with Ryan. I even sat on the floor and showed Tessa how to shuck the corn - which she loved - despite the mess and the fact that I wanted to crawl into a hole, not give lessons to a persistant two year old.
So I'm patting myself on the back. Each of these things by themselves are dull and uninteresting, certainly unworthy of comment, but today I feel like such crap that they are major accomplishments.
After dinner, I'm going to bed!
Kristina
Today, I am incredibly proud of myself not only for surviving through feeling horrible (I think this may be my worst day yet...sigh), but for being an active mother. I made it to PEPS, made brownies with Tessa, went to the library (and Tessa got her first library card - she doesn't want to use mine now!), ran laundry and the dishes, took Tessa on a tricycle ride around the block, and in a few minutes we'll sit down to corn, winter squash, and ribs from dinner with Ryan. I even sat on the floor and showed Tessa how to shuck the corn - which she loved - despite the mess and the fact that I wanted to crawl into a hole, not give lessons to a persistant two year old.
So I'm patting myself on the back. Each of these things by themselves are dull and uninteresting, certainly unworthy of comment, but today I feel like such crap that they are major accomplishments.
After dinner, I'm going to bed!
Kristina
No nap
Well, I tried. I even laid in Tessa's bed and rubbed her back for some time, and she didn't sleep. Finally I went to my own bed and she had some quiet time and I confess that I napped a few minutes...I'm just THAT tired.
Oh well. It will be early to bed for me tonight for certain!
K
Oh well. It will be early to bed for me tonight for certain!
K
Nap time...please!
This morning we went to Natasha's for PEPS and had a good visit. We swung by the grocery store for a couple "can't live without 'em" items, came home, and had lunch. Now I'm trying to summon up the energy to get Tessa ready for her nap.
Today I'm wiped out; I'm not sure why. My eyes ache, my skin aches, my head aches with fatigue. I'm grateful that it's not like this every day, and I'm grateful that I have another week before I do chemo again. I pray that today Tessa DOES take a nap or I fear I will have a total meltdown, because I am THAT tired.
Sigh.
Kristina
Today I'm wiped out; I'm not sure why. My eyes ache, my skin aches, my head aches with fatigue. I'm grateful that it's not like this every day, and I'm grateful that I have another week before I do chemo again. I pray that today Tessa DOES take a nap or I fear I will have a total meltdown, because I am THAT tired.
Sigh.
Kristina
A Regular Tuesday
Good morning. I'm sorry I didn't update yesterday - "real life" was too busy to be on the computer much at all, and Tessa didn't nap.
Yesterday morning Tessa and I did art projects together (primarily involving rubber stamps), then Kathleen and Elena came over for a play date and lunch; after the "non-nap" we had a string of visitors, including Michele & Elliott, then Deirdre and Jessica, and then Susie & Nina. This was excellent as my energy levels were low and play dates do not require excess energy...the kids run around and the parents chat, and this was perfect for me.
We enjoyed Deirdre's great dinner together when Ryan got home, and then I left for the YSC meeting while Ryan stayed home with Tessa.
More thoughts on survivor meetings later - I'm too sleepy now, but I will return to the subject.
I did not sleep well last night and now I'm a sleepy person - albeit sleepless - this morning, but this is the way of things. We have a regular day planned today, as we will go to PEPS this morning at Natasha's, and then this afternoon we'll try to get books at the library (I am the class librarian at co-op, which starts for some kids on Thursday).
Today Erik has his hand surgery - Erik, I send you wishes of healing and quick recovery.
Love to all,
Kristina
Yesterday morning Tessa and I did art projects together (primarily involving rubber stamps), then Kathleen and Elena came over for a play date and lunch; after the "non-nap" we had a string of visitors, including Michele & Elliott, then Deirdre and Jessica, and then Susie & Nina. This was excellent as my energy levels were low and play dates do not require excess energy...the kids run around and the parents chat, and this was perfect for me.
We enjoyed Deirdre's great dinner together when Ryan got home, and then I left for the YSC meeting while Ryan stayed home with Tessa.
More thoughts on survivor meetings later - I'm too sleepy now, but I will return to the subject.
I did not sleep well last night and now I'm a sleepy person - albeit sleepless - this morning, but this is the way of things. We have a regular day planned today, as we will go to PEPS this morning at Natasha's, and then this afternoon we'll try to get books at the library (I am the class librarian at co-op, which starts for some kids on Thursday).
Today Erik has his hand surgery - Erik, I send you wishes of healing and quick recovery.
Love to all,
Kristina
Sunday, September 11, 2005
Things to look forward to
I have a list of things that are motivating me right now:
- preschool's start this week (Friday morning) - Tessa is so excited and her excitement rubs off on me
- Orcas Island for my birthday (leave Friday afternoon, return Sunday) with Marisa
- the LAF ride in Portland (two nights in Portland, with friends and family, staying at a hotel)
- the trip to Leavenworth/Brunner's Lodge with my entire Dahl family
- Halloween and all about it - Tessa is going to be a tiger, and we'll traipse through the neighborhood. Last year we created a tradition of trading the candy for a special toy, and we'll keep that up this year (Ryan will bring the excess candy to work, I think). We'll have a potluck dinner with a couple of neighbors before Halloween truly starts, to make it more fun.
- Pumpkin patches! We love to visit them, and there are some good ones locally.
- Susan McM's visit from Boston (and time spent with Gretchen together)
- Thoughts of Thanksgiving at my parents' (they usually go out of town but htis year I've talked them into hosting so I don't have to!)
- The Nutcracker with Tessa & Ryan - Tessa's eyes will be so wide at the beautiful costumes and exciting story, and she's completely "into" ballet...it will be wonderful! (Plus I can't wait to see her in her patent leather shoes and Christmas dress...)
- December 7 - not only Pearl Harbor Day, it's my last chemo day!
- All the hubbub of Christmas - we're hosting this year at our house.
There are more things after these, of course, but I am focusing on the short term fantasies - it's hard to stay motivated for trips that will occur in 5 years, but I can think a few weeks out and feel inspired. :-)
This is neither here nor there, but I'm tired today and it helps me to focus on the wonderful things that are ahead. I will not always be this tired and worn out, and there is lots of optimism for the future, so I'm focusing on that.
Happy thoughts!
Kristina
- preschool's start this week (Friday morning) - Tessa is so excited and her excitement rubs off on me
- Orcas Island for my birthday (leave Friday afternoon, return Sunday) with Marisa
- the LAF ride in Portland (two nights in Portland, with friends and family, staying at a hotel)
- the trip to Leavenworth/Brunner's Lodge with my entire Dahl family
- Halloween and all about it - Tessa is going to be a tiger, and we'll traipse through the neighborhood. Last year we created a tradition of trading the candy for a special toy, and we'll keep that up this year (Ryan will bring the excess candy to work, I think). We'll have a potluck dinner with a couple of neighbors before Halloween truly starts, to make it more fun.
- Pumpkin patches! We love to visit them, and there are some good ones locally.
- Susan McM's visit from Boston (and time spent with Gretchen together)
- Thoughts of Thanksgiving at my parents' (they usually go out of town but htis year I've talked them into hosting so I don't have to!)
- The Nutcracker with Tessa & Ryan - Tessa's eyes will be so wide at the beautiful costumes and exciting story, and she's completely "into" ballet...it will be wonderful! (Plus I can't wait to see her in her patent leather shoes and Christmas dress...)
- December 7 - not only Pearl Harbor Day, it's my last chemo day!
- All the hubbub of Christmas - we're hosting this year at our house.
There are more things after these, of course, but I am focusing on the short term fantasies - it's hard to stay motivated for trips that will occur in 5 years, but I can think a few weeks out and feel inspired. :-)
This is neither here nor there, but I'm tired today and it helps me to focus on the wonderful things that are ahead. I will not always be this tired and worn out, and there is lots of optimism for the future, so I'm focusing on that.
Happy thoughts!
Kristina
Sunday and refreshed
Good morning!
This Sunday morning, Tessa is still sleeping, Ryan is off on a bike ride with Libby & Kent (poor Paul and his shoulder have to stay out of the race this month), and I'm just briefly checking in to say hello. Going to bed around the same time Tessa did is just what I needed, and I've awoken feeling much better than I did last night. Since Tessa is doing well (no barf last night!) when we're all up and going we will be heading to the Landahl's to have a playdate - Susan and I will chat while the kids play, and it will be lovely. (Erik is hiking, and Ryan is biking, so the girls will have girl-talk while the kids burn off steam.)
It's amazing what a good night's sleep can do - I feel really good again. Phew! Poison, be gone!
I hope that you are having a great day, and that the day finds you and yours in excellent health. Please send safe-riding vibes or prayers to the bike crew - I need my hubby in one piece, happy and whole!
With love,
Kristina
This Sunday morning, Tessa is still sleeping, Ryan is off on a bike ride with Libby & Kent (poor Paul and his shoulder have to stay out of the race this month), and I'm just briefly checking in to say hello. Going to bed around the same time Tessa did is just what I needed, and I've awoken feeling much better than I did last night. Since Tessa is doing well (no barf last night!) when we're all up and going we will be heading to the Landahl's to have a playdate - Susan and I will chat while the kids play, and it will be lovely. (Erik is hiking, and Ryan is biking, so the girls will have girl-talk while the kids burn off steam.)
It's amazing what a good night's sleep can do - I feel really good again. Phew! Poison, be gone!
I hope that you are having a great day, and that the day finds you and yours in excellent health. Please send safe-riding vibes or prayers to the bike crew - I need my hubby in one piece, happy and whole!
With love,
Kristina
Saturday, September 10, 2005
No more poison...please!
Well, I am feeling last week's pattern repeat. I am really beat, and the feeling of poison is returning. I can bear it because, unlike last week, I keep thinking "never again - no more AC for me!"
Tessa had a good nap and woke looking relatively refreshed. We went for a walk with my parents and Foster-puppy, who were in the neighborhood (okay, so they were really at the RV show at Qwest field, but close enough to come by!) and she seems to be in good spirits. I'm hoping that my dinner will refresh me...but it's early to bed for me today. Fingers crossed that I wake up feeling better - Tessa and I are scheduled for a playdate at the Landahl's and Ryan's going for a long bike ride to train for the LAF ride. (Not too late to sponsor - links are in the box to the right. THANK YOU to the many people who have already chosen to sponsor us!)
Okay, I'm off to finish dinner prep... here's hoping that food is all that it takes to help.
Kristina
Tessa had a good nap and woke looking relatively refreshed. We went for a walk with my parents and Foster-puppy, who were in the neighborhood (okay, so they were really at the RV show at Qwest field, but close enough to come by!) and she seems to be in good spirits. I'm hoping that my dinner will refresh me...but it's early to bed for me today. Fingers crossed that I wake up feeling better - Tessa and I are scheduled for a playdate at the Landahl's and Ryan's going for a long bike ride to train for the LAF ride. (Not too late to sponsor - links are in the box to the right. THANK YOU to the many people who have already chosen to sponsor us!)
Okay, I'm off to finish dinner prep... here's hoping that food is all that it takes to help.
Kristina
Tessa's improving...phew
Well, we all slept in this morning after our two hours awake in the middle of the night, and we seem to all be doing okay. Tessa hasn't thrown up again, and woke up in pretty good spirits. We made a trip to Costco for some basic supplies and a hand-held carpet cleaner (which they didn't have in stock, only online) and then followed up with a trip to Target for the same thing for $5 more (well worth it to get the barfy smell out of the carpet - Resolve and a scrubbrush just wasn't doing it). We came home, had lunch, cleaned the carpet...and now we'll wait to see if it has done its magic (while wet, it looks great, but it's DRY that we care about it).
We are also on our third (?) load of laundry - sheets from both of our beds (since Tessa came into our bed after the incident and, in retrospect, we hadn't gotten it all out of her hair...yuck), including Tessa's comforter and bedskirt and pillow sham... and then all the PJs, rags....let's just say that it's a lot of laundry.
This is NOT how we'd planned on spending our day. While at Costco we bought Tessa a video (Clifford) and I think that tonight we'll have a very mellow movie night - something we never do as a family, as Tessa usually gets about a half hour of TV or videos per week, but I think that today calls out for an exception. I doubt her brain will atrophy from one night in front of the TV, and that's what I'm counting on! :-)
I'm wishing I had more exciting news, but lack of barf is pretty exciting to us in this household today. Yikes.
I hope that today finds you better!
Kristina
We are also on our third (?) load of laundry - sheets from both of our beds (since Tessa came into our bed after the incident and, in retrospect, we hadn't gotten it all out of her hair...yuck), including Tessa's comforter and bedskirt and pillow sham... and then all the PJs, rags....let's just say that it's a lot of laundry.
This is NOT how we'd planned on spending our day. While at Costco we bought Tessa a video (Clifford) and I think that tonight we'll have a very mellow movie night - something we never do as a family, as Tessa usually gets about a half hour of TV or videos per week, but I think that today calls out for an exception. I doubt her brain will atrophy from one night in front of the TV, and that's what I'm counting on! :-)
I'm wishing I had more exciting news, but lack of barf is pretty exciting to us in this household today. Yikes.
I hope that today finds you better!
Kristina
Toddler flu
Well, last night at about 2am I awoke to the sounds of Tessa throwing up. She emptied her stomach completely, of this I'm pretty sure, and let's just say I'm surprised at the capacity of a toddler's tummy. We were up for a few hours, helping Tessa, cleaning up, and then trying to get Tessa back to sleep. Not a great night!
I have washed my hands repeatedly, changed my PJs mid-night (toddlers don't mind getting barf on their parents) and Ryan was the one to be on his hands and knees scrubbing the carpet that bore the brunt of the barf so that I didn't have to do it. (We're going to Target today to buy a hand held steam cleaner so that the bunny rug, which I love, can be ressurected.)
We all slept in this morning and are hoping for the best. Tessa has had some liquids and some applesauce, and is in good spirits...although she's very sad that we had to cancel our trip to Vashon Island today to visit the Hisatomi's (we're sad, too!).
Wish us luck!
Kristina
I have washed my hands repeatedly, changed my PJs mid-night (toddlers don't mind getting barf on their parents) and Ryan was the one to be on his hands and knees scrubbing the carpet that bore the brunt of the barf so that I didn't have to do it. (We're going to Target today to buy a hand held steam cleaner so that the bunny rug, which I love, can be ressurected.)
We all slept in this morning and are hoping for the best. Tessa has had some liquids and some applesauce, and is in good spirits...although she's very sad that we had to cancel our trip to Vashon Island today to visit the Hisatomi's (we're sad, too!).
Wish us luck!
Kristina
Thursday, September 08, 2005
The end of a busy day
Today I lounged this morning, and then spent the afternoon running all over the place. My mom brought Tessa back from her ever-so-fun overnight adventure (it's hard to say who had more fun - Tessa or the grandparents - but there were smiles all around!) and treated us to lunch at Lee's, and then we ran some errands and came home for Tessa's nap (which she did not take, of course). My mom left to go home (hopefully SHE got a nap!) and I did chores, and Tessa and I left at 4pm to go to Swedish for my Neulasta shot. Tessa charmed every nurse and staff member and certainly made me proud. :-) Then we hit rush hour traffic, stop and go, to come home. This is where it got a bit ugly, as Tessa said, "Mommy, I need medicine," and then threw up. I'm pretty sure it was carsickness as she has done that a couple times before in stop and go traffic, and once we got her home and cleaned up she was her usual, exhuberant self. PHEW. Being immune compromised, it really scared me...and of course I hate to see my baby so sad.
Soon after we got home, Ryan arrived, and we enjoyed the great dinner that Patrice made (since we ate out yesterday for our anniversary). After gobbling mine up, I left Ryan with Tessa and I went to the preschool co-op orientation meeting for parents, as Tessa starts next week.
I wasn't sure what to say about my breast cancer to the co-op group, but realized that I needed to let this crowd know. They will know soon enough (I will wear bandanas sometimes, Tessa is very open about discussing my cancer, and my eyebrows and eyelashes will go away...and then I'll miss some time when I have my oopharectomy/hysterectomy, etc...there is a long list of how these people will find out I have cancer even if I don't tell them!) and so I felt like it was better be up front. The teacher did a "getting to know you" exercise in which we had to take something from our purse or pocket that represented us...I withdrew a bookclub book to talk about my reading, but also a vial of anti-nausea pills, as an entry to explaining my illness. When they talked about childhood sickness and when to keep your kids at home, I mentioned it again....the preschool rules are clear (and fit my needs as an immuno-compromised person), but I couldn't help adding "Catching a cold could put me in the hospital. Thank you for paying special attention to the rules this year." I hate being the "difficult" one, but it is what it is.
And just for the record, my oncologist has cleared me to attend preschool - I am just under strict instructions to wash my hands regularly, and I will carry Purell in my pocket and use it a lot at preschool as an extra safeguard. I promise, I am being careful.
I am excited for preschool. I love to watch Tessa develop new skills, and relationships with other children. I enjoy talking to the other parents, and seeing what the other kids are up to developmentally. I love to watch Tessa gain confidence in the school setting, and fall in love with her teachers. And there is something fun about the return to school in fall - as much as I don't want to return to teaching, I still love school, and it's fabulous to watch my daughter fall in love with school, too. Most of all, this year, though, I think that I love the return to "normal." The end of preschool (we missed the last day) was right around my diagnosis, and the summer has been filled with so much cancer related chaos, that I am just looking forward to the normal routines of Tessa's childhood. I look forward to the day when I leave the cancer crap behind, but until then, I can live my non-doctor non-chemo days like I'm not a cancer patient, and preschool is one way to do that. I'm just another parent helping out...just another proud mama watching her child develop. That is good medicine.
Love,
Kristina
Soon after we got home, Ryan arrived, and we enjoyed the great dinner that Patrice made (since we ate out yesterday for our anniversary). After gobbling mine up, I left Ryan with Tessa and I went to the preschool co-op orientation meeting for parents, as Tessa starts next week.
I wasn't sure what to say about my breast cancer to the co-op group, but realized that I needed to let this crowd know. They will know soon enough (I will wear bandanas sometimes, Tessa is very open about discussing my cancer, and my eyebrows and eyelashes will go away...and then I'll miss some time when I have my oopharectomy/hysterectomy, etc...there is a long list of how these people will find out I have cancer even if I don't tell them!) and so I felt like it was better be up front. The teacher did a "getting to know you" exercise in which we had to take something from our purse or pocket that represented us...I withdrew a bookclub book to talk about my reading, but also a vial of anti-nausea pills, as an entry to explaining my illness. When they talked about childhood sickness and when to keep your kids at home, I mentioned it again....the preschool rules are clear (and fit my needs as an immuno-compromised person), but I couldn't help adding "Catching a cold could put me in the hospital. Thank you for paying special attention to the rules this year." I hate being the "difficult" one, but it is what it is.
And just for the record, my oncologist has cleared me to attend preschool - I am just under strict instructions to wash my hands regularly, and I will carry Purell in my pocket and use it a lot at preschool as an extra safeguard. I promise, I am being careful.
I am excited for preschool. I love to watch Tessa develop new skills, and relationships with other children. I enjoy talking to the other parents, and seeing what the other kids are up to developmentally. I love to watch Tessa gain confidence in the school setting, and fall in love with her teachers. And there is something fun about the return to school in fall - as much as I don't want to return to teaching, I still love school, and it's fabulous to watch my daughter fall in love with school, too. Most of all, this year, though, I think that I love the return to "normal." The end of preschool (we missed the last day) was right around my diagnosis, and the summer has been filled with so much cancer related chaos, that I am just looking forward to the normal routines of Tessa's childhood. I look forward to the day when I leave the cancer crap behind, but until then, I can live my non-doctor non-chemo days like I'm not a cancer patient, and preschool is one way to do that. I'm just another parent helping out...just another proud mama watching her child develop. That is good medicine.
Love,
Kristina
By popular demand (thanks, Paul!)
Paul sent me the scanned picture of us on our wedding day that I referred to earlier - here it is! Thanks for sharing, Paul. :-)
7am and all is well
Well, I started to feel rotten last night and went to bed without reading or watching TV or even talking to Ryan much once we got home from our date. This, it turns out, was a good strategy (although the ONLY time I intend to behave like that on our anniversary, ever!). I was in bed at 8pm, and aside from a good-night call to Tessa (who was having a grand time) I only got out of bed to use the restroom after that. I'd like to still be sleeping but I think that the Ativan that I take to help me sleep has worn off, so I can lounge but not sleep.
I'm optimistic for a good day today. :-)
Kristina
I'm optimistic for a good day today. :-)
Kristina
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
AC Finished! 4 chemo down, 12 to go
Well folks, I did it. I sat in the chair and didn't run away when they came with the chemo drugs, and I have completed my fourth round of chemotherapy. Hurrah! More importantly, I have completed my FINAL round of Adriamycin and Cytoxin. Red angel or not, I'm glad to kiss THAT goodbye.
My oncologist assures me that it's likely that Taxol will be easier for me. I'm sure she's right. :-) My blood counts today were exceptional, she can't believe how well I'm doing, and I count myself blessed.
I got to talk to Susan McM. today and she also had a good chemo experience. Hurrah!
I feel the usual weirdness after chemo (my nose is super-activated and I can smell everything with uncanny strength of the olofactory nerves, and I have the horrid metal taste) but I don't feel rotten. Before that wears off, we will take the gift of money that Ryan's parents sent, and we will have a lovely date together.
Tessa is at Grammy & Grandpa's, having a wonderful time, and I feel so blessed that she is able to have their love and attention, and that Ryan and I get this night to ourselves. (It will also be helpful to me tomorrow morning, as I will be able to sleep in and relax instead of coming up with suitable toddler activities.)
Now I'm going to sit on the deck and enjoy some sparkling water with my husband...must run!
Love,
Kristina
My oncologist assures me that it's likely that Taxol will be easier for me. I'm sure she's right. :-) My blood counts today were exceptional, she can't believe how well I'm doing, and I count myself blessed.
I got to talk to Susan McM. today and she also had a good chemo experience. Hurrah!
I feel the usual weirdness after chemo (my nose is super-activated and I can smell everything with uncanny strength of the olofactory nerves, and I have the horrid metal taste) but I don't feel rotten. Before that wears off, we will take the gift of money that Ryan's parents sent, and we will have a lovely date together.
Tessa is at Grammy & Grandpa's, having a wonderful time, and I feel so blessed that she is able to have their love and attention, and that Ryan and I get this night to ourselves. (It will also be helpful to me tomorrow morning, as I will be able to sleep in and relax instead of coming up with suitable toddler activities.)
Now I'm going to sit on the deck and enjoy some sparkling water with my husband...must run!
Love,
Kristina
Our anniversary, Kathy, chemo, and friends
Today is our sixth wedding anniversary. On this day in 1999, Ryan and I awoke at the Stephanie Inn at Cannon Beach to run to the window, pull open the shades...and find sunshine. We whooped in glee (the weather forecast was anything but certain), pulled on our (complimentary and very plush) bathrobes, and ran out of our room onto the grass to dance around in excitement. While outside reveling in the beautiful day - at about 6:30am, mind you - who should we see but our beloved Suzie-Q running down the beach. She came up to join us, and we look over, and, lo and behold, Paul & Libby were out on their little deck. We all chatted together, brimming with exitement for the day, before scampering off to our rooms. As Ryan and I returned to our room, across the dew-soaked grass and in our bare feet, we held hands and ran. One of my favorite all-time photos (that I keep in a frame on my bedroom dresser) is the picture of us that Paul snapped in that moment - our feet aren't touching the ground, and our happiness is evident for miles around.
The rest of our wedding day was equally lovely. We spent time with friends and family - Ryan went to pizza with "the guys" and I went for a long beach walk with the women of my family. Ryan and I both got massages. Ryan even managed to go to the wine tasting in the Chart Room a couple of hours before the wedding while I went, along with Carolyn and Susan, to get my hair done. Ryan got ready in Paul & Libby's room while Carolyn & Susan helped me to get ready in mine. At the last minute I decided that I didn't want "blushing pink" toenails, and Carolyn gave me a pedicure in bright red - my hands were shaking too much to do it myself! (Out of excitement, not fear, certainly.)
When it was time for our ceremony, our friends gathered on the beach below our room - marked out by two beautiful steel tiki torches that Susan loaned us - and our parents, Susan, Paul, pastor Woodley, and ourselves gathered for a moment of meditation and prayer. This was a wedding about marrying two souls, not about floral arrangements or other silly details, and we wanted to be in the moment as we spoke the most important words of our lives.
Woodley walked down to the beach first, and then was followed by Susan & Paul. Next, both of Ryan's parents walked him, and then it was my turn to walk with my parents. We talked and laughed all the way - people couldn't hear us over the surf - and it was lovely. When we got close, our friends started humming "Here comes the bride" which had me laughing - we'd decided against music on the beach, because the surf would surely drown it out anyway, and we love the ocean's roar.
Our vows were beautiful, and meaningful to us. Ryan slipped his arm around my waist, and the whole thing was bliss. My brother did a reading, and so did Ryan's sister, and Woodley's words were perfect for us.
And then we were wed! Amidst laughter, friendship, and family, we became our own little family unit, and it was perfect.
After the ceremony, we headed up the road a mile or so to our reception site - a beatuiful garden setting with an indoor area for a formal dinner (filet mignon or salmon with lobster sauce were the entree choices, along with a vegetarian choice that I have since forgotten!). Juliann played piano for us as people arrived, and the wine flowed freely. The usual wedding speeches were given.
In my speech, I acknowledged my cousin Kathy, and how much I missed her presence on that day (as always, but in particular). Our wedding anniversary is Kathy's birthday. Today, she would have been 35. I miss her presence in our lives as much now as I did then. Happy birthday, Kathy! I know you're out there somewhere, and I know that your love and friendship remain as much a part of my life today as they ever did. I honor you through our daughter, Tessa Katherine, and I know she serves your name well.
When we gave our vows, I meant every word. Like every new bride, I had only an inkling of what I meant - I knew that I was there through thick and thin but I didn't know what would be asked of me in the marriage. This year, our vows have been tested - the "in sickness and in health" part, anyway. I know we will pass these tests with flying colors, but the tests are rigorous.
I would marry Ryan again in a heartbeat if he asked me to. I do not for one moment regret that day on the beach - I consider it one of my happiest moments ever. I am a lucky woman!
Other anniversaries have been spent back at the Stephanie Inn, celebrating our happy day. Today, however, Ryan must go to work, and I must go to chemotherapy. In less than an hour my friend Michele will pick me up to take me to the oncologist's office, and I will have poison administered to my veins. I'm trying to repeat to myself what the oncologist told me - some people refer to Adriamycin as the red devil, but others call it the red angel. I pray that this red angel will be an angel of death to my cancer.
Today Susan L. will join me at my chemotherapy, and as much as I hate the circumstance, I am delighted to have her company and the scheduled girl time!
Another Susan, my new friend in Boston, is getting her first chemotherapy today. Our times will overlap - her first AC treatment and my last one will overlap by an hour or so. Susan McM. is, understandably, frightened and stressed at the prospect of chemo and all of its side effects, and she is in my thoughts and prayers today. Our mutual friend Gretchen - who is further down the road than Susan McM or I - is in my thoughts, too, as I know she's spending special wishes to Susan and I today as we endure the chemo we wish we didn't have to endure.
My new friend Katherine (whose name I love!) is also getting chemo today. She is nearing the end of 15 AC treatments, which, in my mind, makes her some kind of superhero. If you haven't done AC, then you have no idea what kind of strength it takes to make it to the chemo chair and force yourself to allow the nurses to inject you with AC after that many times. GO, Katherine, you can do it! And the party we have at the end will be FABULOUS...and well earned.
Today I know that I take the thoughts and wishes of many people, friends and family (and the best kind - family who are also friends) with me to chemo. That strengthens me.
Many, many thanks to my parents today for taking Tessa and having fun with her and letting her have her first sleepover at Grammy & Grandpa's. I know that she will have a blast, and if I feel okay then Ryan and I will actually get to go on a date for our anniversary. Hurrah! And if I don't feel okay, I won't worry about burdening Tessa with my illness, and I can take care of myself. Thank you, Mom & Dad!
Love to all - and happy anniversary to the man I love best.
Kristina
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Pictures!
Here's a picture of Tessa and friends KC, Tyler, Jackson and Carter all playing at the Shogren's. We had a lovely BBQ with our friends on Saturday night, and agreed that, indeed, all of our children are gorgeous. :-) We also had a good laugh that it seems like only yesterday we were all living the single life, or life as couples but without children....and now look at these FIVE growing children that we have between the three families! My have times changed. :-)
And here is a picture of Tessa holding her littlest cousin, Joshua, while we were visiting Mike & Krystal this weekend. Joshua is a little sweetheart - we can't wait to get to know who he is, what he likes and dislikes, and how he likes to do things. Right now, though, he's just the sweetest little guy!
And finally, here is a picture of Caleb & Tessa riding on Ike (Mike & Krystal's dog). Ike has the patience of a saint...and the cousins had SO much fun playing together and with the dogs when we visited with them on Sunday evening. Tessa talks nonstop these days about "when we get Shep" and she has all kinds of grand plans for him. Shep is scheduled to appear some time this spring when I'm done with the most evil parts of my treatment plan, and I can't wait to have a puppy in the house. Tessa, however, is even more excited than I am! (Ryan is resigned to this idea, but I know he's excited too...and he will adore Shep, as well.)
Love,
Kristina
Monday, September 05, 2005
Just popping in
Hello, all. I'm just popping in to say hello in case anybody has been checking on me, as I've been absent from my blog for a couple of days. We've had a busy long weekend visiting with friends and family, and, as usual, I did too much and I'm too tired, but I am well.
Wednesday approaches too quickly. I hope that my expectations are not met, and that this chemo will go easier than the last one, as my stomach churns just thinking about it.
More updates later - good night!
Kristina
Wednesday approaches too quickly. I hope that my expectations are not met, and that this chemo will go easier than the last one, as my stomach churns just thinking about it.
More updates later - good night!
Kristina
Saturday, September 03, 2005
Yawwwnnnn
It's Saturday at 9:05 and I will be in bed in a moment - I'm a tired girl. We had a good day today - Alki Bakery this morning, where we ran into Artie & Anna and had a nice visit, then a trip to Whale Tale Park where we ran into Natasha, Steve, Derek, and beautiful baby Paloma, then home to make cream of mushroom soup for lunch (from scratch - very easy actually) before Tessa's nap, then a few chores and making Susie's potato salad recipe (also easy), then to the Shogren's for a lovely BBQ. I didn't actually "do" much of anything, but at 6:30 I was looking at my watch and thinking of going to bed. What's with that?!
As Wednesday creeps closer, I am starting to dread chemo. I dread the poison going into my veins, and how I know I will feel as a result. I am trying to be positive about the whole thing, but in the end I'm just positively glad that next Wednesday is my last Adriamycin/Cytoxin chemo, and I'll be glad to be done with it (because I'm hoping/expecting the Taxol treatments to be easier). I know I've done well up until now but I'm tired of it, tired of feeling poisoned, tired of being tired. I will buck up and just do it, and I'm trying to have a good attitude, but that's hard.
A real update tomorrow or the next day...but I'm off to bed. Goodnight, all!
Kristina
As Wednesday creeps closer, I am starting to dread chemo. I dread the poison going into my veins, and how I know I will feel as a result. I am trying to be positive about the whole thing, but in the end I'm just positively glad that next Wednesday is my last Adriamycin/Cytoxin chemo, and I'll be glad to be done with it (because I'm hoping/expecting the Taxol treatments to be easier). I know I've done well up until now but I'm tired of it, tired of feeling poisoned, tired of being tired. I will buck up and just do it, and I'm trying to have a good attitude, but that's hard.
A real update tomorrow or the next day...but I'm off to bed. Goodnight, all!
Kristina
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Pajamas
The thing about chemo that most people think of, I think, is that people on chemo (in addition to being bald) spend most of their time laying down, hopefully not throwing up, but lounging in pajamas day and night and not moving much as they deal with the ill effects on their bodies. This, at least, is what I envisioned when I thought of myself on chemo. I thought I'd be trying to nibble on crackers while I lay in bed a lot of the time, watching television or something, and hoping that Tessa wouldn't mind if we just read stories all day.
For me, nothing could be further from the truth, though of course I don't have to tell you that if you read this blog regularly! Chemo has certainly slowed me down, but bed is the last place you'll find me, except during the usual hours (from about 10pm to 6am on most days). I'm not doing any marathons, but I'm not in my pajamas, either.
Except today, it's 10:04, and I'm still in my pajamas. I've been online looking at salad plates (my friend Susan L. is looking for some and I've joined the online search just for the heck of it), I've sent some email, looked at some websites, and now I'm updating here. It feels decadent! Ryan took Tessa to Grammy's, and Tessa and Grammy will have the usually wonderful time of going to Wiggle Worms class, visitng the pet store, having Chinese food with Grandpa, playing with Caleb and Mike, and all the rest. I have done laundry, and unloaded the dishwasher, and I have a list as long as my arm of things I could or should do (some of which I will actually do, I swear!) but right now I'm being a bum and enjoying it.
I don't want to slow down to a pajama pace for long - it makes me feel ill just to think of it - but I do appreciate the opportunity to slow down sometimes when I need it. I feel lucky that I'm able to do so today.
I hope that you get some down time today, too.
Love,
Kristina
For me, nothing could be further from the truth, though of course I don't have to tell you that if you read this blog regularly! Chemo has certainly slowed me down, but bed is the last place you'll find me, except during the usual hours (from about 10pm to 6am on most days). I'm not doing any marathons, but I'm not in my pajamas, either.
Except today, it's 10:04, and I'm still in my pajamas. I've been online looking at salad plates (my friend Susan L. is looking for some and I've joined the online search just for the heck of it), I've sent some email, looked at some websites, and now I'm updating here. It feels decadent! Ryan took Tessa to Grammy's, and Tessa and Grammy will have the usually wonderful time of going to Wiggle Worms class, visitng the pet store, having Chinese food with Grandpa, playing with Caleb and Mike, and all the rest. I have done laundry, and unloaded the dishwasher, and I have a list as long as my arm of things I could or should do (some of which I will actually do, I swear!) but right now I'm being a bum and enjoying it.
I don't want to slow down to a pajama pace for long - it makes me feel ill just to think of it - but I do appreciate the opportunity to slow down sometimes when I need it. I feel lucky that I'm able to do so today.
I hope that you get some down time today, too.
Love,
Kristina
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
growing up
Tessa has her first household task - a chore that she does each day with joy. She wants to help the family - we often hear her say "Mommy, Tessa can do it!" or "I want to help!" and we realized that, indeed, she can help. Her first chore, that she helped to choose, is to feed Mo. Every morning and every night, she says "We have to feed Mozart! I can do it!" and she rushes to his tub of food and doles some out into his bowl. He has learned that she is his food source, and will come and wait patiently until she's got it figured out. She pets him and says "I love my precious kitty," and she is just so proud of herself.
We are proud of our little helper, too - of her desire to be a part of the way this family works, and to learn new things.
Love,
Kristina
PS As I type this, I can hear Tessa on the baby monitor. Her latest statement has me laughing: "I love you, but I NEED coffee." Now where has she heard that before? LOL
We are proud of our little helper, too - of her desire to be a part of the way this family works, and to learn new things.
Love,
Kristina
PS As I type this, I can hear Tessa on the baby monitor. Her latest statement has me laughing: "I love you, but I NEED coffee." Now where has she heard that before? LOL
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Small victories
Tonight, when Ryan gets home, dinner will nearly be on the table - we're having grilled salmon (my "traditional" simple lemon pepper recipe), Susie's home-made potato salad recipe, corn on the cob, and brocolli. Oh, and a bottle of wine (just a little, really, I promise!) that Molly gave us, and chocolate chip cookies for dessert. That I baked. By myself. ;-)
Three months ago these things would not have been worthy of comment. These days, I'm proud of myself and I'm bragging. Could it be that I'm finally getting it together?!
Kristina
Three months ago these things would not have been worthy of comment. These days, I'm proud of myself and I'm bragging. Could it be that I'm finally getting it together?!
Kristina
Healthy Tessa, Okay Kristina
Well, yesterday Tessa had a long nap (which she made up for by attempting to avoid sleep forever last night....asleep at 10:30pm and awake at 5:50am!) and her rest seems to have recovered her. No more runny nose, not crabby...so we're up and at'em.
This morning we hung out and actually did little things around the house (laundry and other nonsense) before heading to PEPS at Marilyn's house around 9:30. We hung out there for a couple of hours having a lovely time with friends (Tessa's and mine), and Tessa played very independently (THANK YOU, little one!) which allowed me some couch time to chat with my girlfriends. After that, we went to Zatz'a'Better'Bagel for lunch (where Tessa can watch the carwash across the street - to her, this is a fine resturant with a view!) and then we walked to the library to return some books. This might not sound like a very energetic day, but in my new regimen this is actually quite a lot of energy to expend and I'm quite proud of myself for making it.
When we got home, I did some more laundry, unloaded the dishwasher, read Tessa stories, and now I'm here for a few moments before a new friend, Katherine, comes to visit for a bit while Tessa (hopefully) naps.
In my own physical health...
Chemo is a strange beast. It feels like my molars are made of metal and my mouth tastes terrible and feels strange. My body feels like I've been drinking Clorox or some other such poison - it's an all-over feeling, not isolated to my digestive system....I just feel systemically poisoned. I only had the one day of nausea, which I can live with, but the poisoning just doesn't seem to fade. In new news, my nose hairs seem to have gone the way of the hair on my head (gone). This would not be interesting to me except that now I always have a drippy nose....apparently nose hair serves a purpose, and that purpose is no longer being met!
Overall, though, this is a good day, and I hope for more like it. I'm able to be a decent mother, I'm visiting with friends (old and new) and I'm getting some chores in. It could certainly be worse.
Love,
Kristina
This morning we hung out and actually did little things around the house (laundry and other nonsense) before heading to PEPS at Marilyn's house around 9:30. We hung out there for a couple of hours having a lovely time with friends (Tessa's and mine), and Tessa played very independently (THANK YOU, little one!) which allowed me some couch time to chat with my girlfriends. After that, we went to Zatz'a'Better'Bagel for lunch (where Tessa can watch the carwash across the street - to her, this is a fine resturant with a view!) and then we walked to the library to return some books. This might not sound like a very energetic day, but in my new regimen this is actually quite a lot of energy to expend and I'm quite proud of myself for making it.
When we got home, I did some more laundry, unloaded the dishwasher, read Tessa stories, and now I'm here for a few moments before a new friend, Katherine, comes to visit for a bit while Tessa (hopefully) naps.
In my own physical health...
Chemo is a strange beast. It feels like my molars are made of metal and my mouth tastes terrible and feels strange. My body feels like I've been drinking Clorox or some other such poison - it's an all-over feeling, not isolated to my digestive system....I just feel systemically poisoned. I only had the one day of nausea, which I can live with, but the poisoning just doesn't seem to fade. In new news, my nose hairs seem to have gone the way of the hair on my head (gone). This would not be interesting to me except that now I always have a drippy nose....apparently nose hair serves a purpose, and that purpose is no longer being met!
Overall, though, this is a good day, and I hope for more like it. I'm able to be a decent mother, I'm visiting with friends (old and new) and I'm getting some chores in. It could certainly be worse.
Love,
Kristina
Monday, August 29, 2005
Oh well
Well, it's always something... and it looks like TK has come down with a case of the sniffles. She's doing relatively well, but we are currently avoiding anybody in chemotheraphy (myself excluded, I suppose!), and newborn babies. What a drag - I hope that this doesn't last long for all of our sakes!
We're about to do an art project to make the day go by. Glitter and glue - what could be more fun for a sit still project when you're two years old?
Love,
Kristina
We're about to do an art project to make the day go by. Glitter and glue - what could be more fun for a sit still project when you're two years old?
Love,
Kristina
The weekend
Good morning, everyone.
I just realized that I haven't posted in two days, but all is well here. We have simply been too busy to get online too much!
The weekend was a combination of visitors (Mom & Dad S. came to visit), manicure-pedicures (thanks, Ryan!), visit to the Farmer's Market, a trip to Lincoln Park, a visit with Marisa & Max, a family meal with the Dahl clan, and lots more. Ryan even squeezed in a 33 mile bike ride and a hair cut... I promise I don't ignore him entirely! :-) Yesterday, Michele & Dave came over and Michele & I made an Asian feast for dinner, with the most delicious won ton soup I've had in years alongside some fresh and delightful sushi.
In short? The weekend was filled with normal things that we'd do before cancer. And that actually, seems like the most progress we've made in a long, long time. My energy levels aren't close to what they were, but it feels SO good to just do "normal" things without arranging everything around cancer. This is good timing - we only have 'til Wednesday with Caley and she's actually out sick today, so it's a good thing that I'm getting y act together now.
This weekend I also met Emily, who lives in West Seattle and also has breast cancer. She's going in to surgery today, so she is particularly in my thoughts. I tried to coach her that it will all be okay, as it was for me in my surgery, but the only thing that can truly make a person believe that is experiencing it themselves, and I feel for Emily as she faces her surgery.
In health news, Saturday night was my roughest night since chemo. I felt more nauseaus, and my blood felt just absolutely poisoned (ugh). This, I believe, is the cumulative effect I've heard about. I went to bed early despite having guests, and I took my meds, and these things seem to have helped...thank goodness. The worst effect is that I now dread my 4th AC treatment, but I will survive, and, after all, there is only one more before I switch to my weekly Taxol.
This weekend we got the frightening phone call that our dear friend Paul, while on a ride with Libby & Kent, crashed on his bike and actually had to be taken via ambulance to the hospital. He has a broken scapula (shoulderblade) and is in for some painful, uncomfortable recovery, but we are so grateful that he is not further hurt. Paul, we're thinking of you! You are, as always (but more than ever) in our thoughts and prayers.
With love to all,
Kristina
I just realized that I haven't posted in two days, but all is well here. We have simply been too busy to get online too much!
The weekend was a combination of visitors (Mom & Dad S. came to visit), manicure-pedicures (thanks, Ryan!), visit to the Farmer's Market, a trip to Lincoln Park, a visit with Marisa & Max, a family meal with the Dahl clan, and lots more. Ryan even squeezed in a 33 mile bike ride and a hair cut... I promise I don't ignore him entirely! :-) Yesterday, Michele & Dave came over and Michele & I made an Asian feast for dinner, with the most delicious won ton soup I've had in years alongside some fresh and delightful sushi.
In short? The weekend was filled with normal things that we'd do before cancer. And that actually, seems like the most progress we've made in a long, long time. My energy levels aren't close to what they were, but it feels SO good to just do "normal" things without arranging everything around cancer. This is good timing - we only have 'til Wednesday with Caley and she's actually out sick today, so it's a good thing that I'm getting y act together now.
This weekend I also met Emily, who lives in West Seattle and also has breast cancer. She's going in to surgery today, so she is particularly in my thoughts. I tried to coach her that it will all be okay, as it was for me in my surgery, but the only thing that can truly make a person believe that is experiencing it themselves, and I feel for Emily as she faces her surgery.
In health news, Saturday night was my roughest night since chemo. I felt more nauseaus, and my blood felt just absolutely poisoned (ugh). This, I believe, is the cumulative effect I've heard about. I went to bed early despite having guests, and I took my meds, and these things seem to have helped...thank goodness. The worst effect is that I now dread my 4th AC treatment, but I will survive, and, after all, there is only one more before I switch to my weekly Taxol.
This weekend we got the frightening phone call that our dear friend Paul, while on a ride with Libby & Kent, crashed on his bike and actually had to be taken via ambulance to the hospital. He has a broken scapula (shoulderblade) and is in for some painful, uncomfortable recovery, but we are so grateful that he is not further hurt. Paul, we're thinking of you! You are, as always (but more than ever) in our thoughts and prayers.
With love to all,
Kristina
Friday, August 26, 2005
Update email on the LAF Ride - PLEASE donate!
Here is an email that we are trying to send out today (it's not going through right now because I have a bad email address for somebody in my list - I'm working on that!). Since I'm not sure who reads the blog vs who sends email, I'm putting the entry in here, too.
Please, please, please consider donating. We are truly grateful - thank you! To donate, click on the link in the white box to your right on the screen.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello, friends and family. By now most of you have heard that I was diagnosed with breast cancer on June 1, 2005, and that I am in the fight of my life. This is a fight that I fully intend to win - I have great doctors, all kinds of medical advances working in my favor, and pure stubbornness on my side, and this is not a fight I can afford to lose! I have many blessings and supports in my life, and I do not forget them as I do battle every day.
As you might imagine, fundraising for cancer research and support is something that Ryan and I believe in passionately. I am not the first in our family to have cancer - both of my grandfathers had cancer, my Aunt Ann had breast cancer, our nephew Josiah had a rare form of lymphoma, and my sister-in-law Kerri is also fighting breast cancer. Too many people, altogether! Ryan and I want to help to fight for cancer cures and assistance for cancer research, and that is where we are asking for your help.
This September, Ryan is riding in the Portland Livestrong Ride, sponsored by Lance Armstrong's Livestrong Foundation. Ryan will ride alongside Lance, the STP 2004 Team (Paul, Libby, and Kent), and my Uncle Mike (all of whom are doing their own fundraising for the event). If Ryan hits certain fundraising levels, he will win the possibility of an early starting place in the race, close to Lance...but that is not our main goal. Our main goal is to raise money to cure this terrible disease.
Please consider a donation, large or small. No amount is too trivial (every dollar helps!) and certainly, no amount is too large (but only fitting into your personal budget, of course). You can donate by clicking the link online - the registered rider is Ryan. Tessa and I plan to go (as long as I'm doing well in chemotherapy...so far so good) to cheer Ryan and our friends across the finish line.
TO DONATE, click on the link in the white box to the right on your screen.
We do not wish to inundate your inbox with messages, so this is the last message that we will send. We understand that finances can be tight, and that there are many worthy causes to choose between, but we hope that you will consider even a small donation. Together, we are strong! And please, do not hesitate to forward this email to anyone you think may be interested.
Thank you in advance for considering making a donation. We chose the Lance Armstrong Livestrong foundation because we believe that they spend their money well, and because Lance is a huge source of personal inspiration to both Ryan and myself. We support the good work that they are doing, and we hope that you will too.
Thank you so much for your continued love and support. We would be lost without you.
Love,
Kristina, Ryan, and Tessa Surface
PS I tried to check against the list of people who have already donated and I am SO sorry if I inadvertantly sent this to you again. We are thoroughly grateful for you donation - thank you!
Please, please, please consider donating. We are truly grateful - thank you! To donate, click on the link in the white box to your right on the screen.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello, friends and family. By now most of you have heard that I was diagnosed with breast cancer on June 1, 2005, and that I am in the fight of my life. This is a fight that I fully intend to win - I have great doctors, all kinds of medical advances working in my favor, and pure stubbornness on my side, and this is not a fight I can afford to lose! I have many blessings and supports in my life, and I do not forget them as I do battle every day.
As you might imagine, fundraising for cancer research and support is something that Ryan and I believe in passionately. I am not the first in our family to have cancer - both of my grandfathers had cancer, my Aunt Ann had breast cancer, our nephew Josiah had a rare form of lymphoma, and my sister-in-law Kerri is also fighting breast cancer. Too many people, altogether! Ryan and I want to help to fight for cancer cures and assistance for cancer research, and that is where we are asking for your help.
This September, Ryan is riding in the Portland Livestrong Ride, sponsored by Lance Armstrong's Livestrong Foundation. Ryan will ride alongside Lance, the STP 2004 Team (Paul, Libby, and Kent), and my Uncle Mike (all of whom are doing their own fundraising for the event). If Ryan hits certain fundraising levels, he will win the possibility of an early starting place in the race, close to Lance...but that is not our main goal. Our main goal is to raise money to cure this terrible disease.
Please consider a donation, large or small. No amount is too trivial (every dollar helps!) and certainly, no amount is too large (but only fitting into your personal budget, of course). You can donate by clicking the link online - the registered rider is Ryan. Tessa and I plan to go (as long as I'm doing well in chemotherapy...so far so good) to cheer Ryan and our friends across the finish line.
TO DONATE, click on the link in the white box to the right on your screen.
We do not wish to inundate your inbox with messages, so this is the last message that we will send. We understand that finances can be tight, and that there are many worthy causes to choose between, but we hope that you will consider even a small donation. Together, we are strong! And please, do not hesitate to forward this email to anyone you think may be interested.
Thank you in advance for considering making a donation. We chose the Lance Armstrong Livestrong foundation because we believe that they spend their money well, and because Lance is a huge source of personal inspiration to both Ryan and myself. We support the good work that they are doing, and we hope that you will too.
Thank you so much for your continued love and support. We would be lost without you.
Love,
Kristina, Ryan, and Tessa Surface
PS I tried to check against the list of people who have already donated and I am SO sorry if I inadvertantly sent this to you again. We are thoroughly grateful for you donation - thank you!
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Baby Joshua is here!
Hello, friends and family! Here is a picture of my youngest nephew, Joshua Peter, who was born today at 7:16am (I think I have the time correct) - isn't he just so cute?
And of course I can't resist adding a picture of myself holding the little guy (note the new wig - have I posted that here yet?).
And here's a picture of the proud grandparents with all three grandchildren - their cup runneth over with love and joy.
And finally, here's a picture of the beautiful new family. Caleb was not in a picture taking mood - understandable, with all that he has going on - but I had to include it anyway. :-)
Usually my day after chemo is a "make no plans what-so-ever" day, but the birth of a newphew is too good to miss. I'm so glad that I got to meet him on his actual birthday.
My only other update is that today I had my Neulasta shot, and have had no ill-effects from it so far. I'm tired, only slightly nauseaus (fully controllable, but I have to keep an eye on it), and in pretty good spirits.
Love to all,
Kristina
Joshua's Birth Day
Today little Joshua is being born.....hopefully right this very minute, as a fact, for Krystal was scheduled for a c-section at 7am. Krystal, Mike, Caleb, and Joshua, you are all in my prayers. I can't wait to embrace your family!
We will head to my mom's house (she lives close to the hospital) to await the call, and then we'll visit the new family. I can't wait!
My ECH (Evil Cytoxan Headache) is gone this morning and I couldn't be more grateful. It was horrible and debilitating, my worst chemo symptom yet. Thankfully it was short lived, and Motrin and sleep took care of it. I'm ready for the day!
With love,
Kristina
We will head to my mom's house (she lives close to the hospital) to await the call, and then we'll visit the new family. I can't wait!
My ECH (Evil Cytoxan Headache) is gone this morning and I couldn't be more grateful. It was horrible and debilitating, my worst chemo symptom yet. Thankfully it was short lived, and Motrin and sleep took care of it. I'm ready for the day!
With love,
Kristina
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Off to bed for me
Well, friends, the Evil Cytoxan Headache has returned, and I'm treating it by taking Motrin and going to bed early. Hopefully this will cure it and tomorrow I will be ready to take on the day.
Tomorrow is a special day, because my nephew Joshua Peter will be arriving into the world! Mike & Krystal are scheduled to be at the hospital very early, and my hope is that I will get to meet Joshua and share my love and well wishes with Mike, Krystal, and Caleb (the big brother and also my beloved nephew) around 10am. Hurrah! Much to celebrate.
Love,
Kristina
Tomorrow is a special day, because my nephew Joshua Peter will be arriving into the world! Mike & Krystal are scheduled to be at the hospital very early, and my hope is that I will get to meet Joshua and share my love and well wishes with Mike, Krystal, and Caleb (the big brother and also my beloved nephew) around 10am. Hurrah! Much to celebrate.
Love,
Kristina
3 down, 13 to go!
Today I completed my third chemotherapy infusion. It went as well as the first two (aside from having to start late because they were running behind) and had the additional bonus of my mom being there so that we could chit-chat and catch up in an uninterrupted way.
My numbers, according to my doc, are fantastic. I asked about the CA 27.29 and mine is an 11 (down from 44.4 - normal is 0-38). Hurrah! This marker can be very unreliable but they look for trends and the downward trend is definitely confidence inspiring. My blood counts also look excellent (to keep this up, I will go in for a Neulasta shot tomorrow).
More later, when I have more time. Love to all!
Kristina
My numbers, according to my doc, are fantastic. I asked about the CA 27.29 and mine is an 11 (down from 44.4 - normal is 0-38). Hurrah! This marker can be very unreliable but they look for trends and the downward trend is definitely confidence inspiring. My blood counts also look excellent (to keep this up, I will go in for a Neulasta shot tomorrow).
More later, when I have more time. Love to all!
Kristina
Today is the third chemo
I didn't sleep well at all last night, and I think that my body was reminding me that I am NOT looking forward to chemo today (who would)? In general, it's gone so well, but it's still not something that I do with joy in my heart.
Today my mom is coming with me, and it will be nice to sit and chit-chat. Thanks, Mom!
Love,
Kristina
Today my mom is coming with me, and it will be nice to sit and chit-chat. Thanks, Mom!
Love,
Kristina
Monday, August 22, 2005
Another busy day
Today was another busy day (shopping for Tessa's fall clothes with Caley and my mom, a play date with Beth and Anna), and then this evening as soon as Ryan got home I left for the YSC meeting. It was very interesting to hear the other perspectives at the meeting - a lot of the discussion was centered on reconstructive surgery, pros and cons of different types of reconstruction, and WHEN people would choose to have reconstruction. No two survivors appear to have the same theory on this subject, and I find that interesting.
Here's my take on it: I want reconstruction as soon as it's healthy to do so. I lean towards the DIEP surgery (taking abdominal tissue and turning it into breast tissue), but it is a MAJOR surgery with a long recovery and a ton of scars afterwards, and that scares me. The jury is still out on what I'll do, this is just my leaning. (Plus, it comes with a free tummy tuck by default....)
So much to say, so little time....I'm off to bed. More tomorrow!
Kristina
Here's my take on it: I want reconstruction as soon as it's healthy to do so. I lean towards the DIEP surgery (taking abdominal tissue and turning it into breast tissue), but it is a MAJOR surgery with a long recovery and a ton of scars afterwards, and that scares me. The jury is still out on what I'll do, this is just my leaning. (Plus, it comes with a free tummy tuck by default....)
So much to say, so little time....I'm off to bed. More tomorrow!
Kristina
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Sunday part two
Well, the headache didn't go away and so we went out to eat. 7:24pm and I'm considering bed...sigh. Oh well the food will keep, and Ryan's here to care for Tessa, so it could be worse.
Good night!
Kristina
Good night!
Kristina
Sunday
At this moment, Tessa is not napping in her room...I believe that today is a quiet time day. Ah well...
We've had a busy morning. Ryan got up before me at the crack of dawn to get on his bike (and get on the roads before they got busy), and I woke up before Tessa at 6:30am. I read in bed until 7am when she woke up, and then we had a light bite to eat and got dressed, leaving the house by 8am. I loaded Tessa into the baby jogger, and took a brisk walk with her to the grocery store to pick up a few things (I've decided that it's high time I started cooking again - I can not rely on the generousity of friends forever), about a two mile round trip. When we got back, Ryan was home, and I made us french toast, sausages, and sides of fruit (with a mocha for Ryan, but not for me, because I am "off" coffee these days). It was great - classical music, good food, and I felt like, even at the early hour, I'd accomplished something.
After breakfast and showers, we loaded into the car "for an adventure." We first went to SuperGo, to drop Ryan off to look at some bike stuff and to get his bike wheel fixed (he broke a spoke). While he did that, Tessa and I went next-door to Half Price Books, and found her a couple of cute books (and spent time reading many more) to take home. Then we all met up again, and went to the UW campus just for the sake of walking around and enjoying the campus. It was Tessa's first time there, and I have no idea what she thought of the beautiful architecture and landscaping, but I am certain that she liked the squirrels and the fact that, with no students there now, we could let her run wild around campus - lots of grass and footpaths, nothing to hurt her, so we let her lead the way. We walked through the quad and I pointed out various buildings and talked about the classes I'd taken there to Ryan, and we walked down my memory lane. (I should add, for those who know the campus, that we walked about 1/20th of it with Tessa...this was just a taste!)
After the UW, we went to U Village because there is a Barnes and Noble there, and Ryan and I each had gift certificates. (By mid-autumn there will be a Barnes and Noble just a couple of miles from us - it's under construction - but until then we must drive. I'd prefer a great independent bookstore but I have to admit that I do like Barnes and Noble, even if they are the downfall of civilization as we know it...!) We took turns - Tessa played on the play structure outside with Ryan while I shopped, and then Ryan shopped while Tessa and I read stories in the children's section.
It was a great morning, but up popped and evil headache, and on the car ride home I was silent...ugh. A big glass of water and two Motrin later it's much better, thank goodness.
Tonight we have no plans, which is lovely. I do, however, plan to cook dinner...something I'm trying to do much more often now. Susie made a fabulous pototo salad (roasted baby potatoes, sour cream, basil, and roasted garlic...soooo delicious!) at a recent BBQ, so I got her recipe, and I'm considering it the centerpiece of the meal. I am also making insalata caprese (we eat it all summer - I just love it), wild sockeye salmon (grilled), and broccoli, but the meal is planned around the potato salad. Yummm yummm.
I hope that your Sundays are going as well...minus the headache, of course!
Kristina
We've had a busy morning. Ryan got up before me at the crack of dawn to get on his bike (and get on the roads before they got busy), and I woke up before Tessa at 6:30am. I read in bed until 7am when she woke up, and then we had a light bite to eat and got dressed, leaving the house by 8am. I loaded Tessa into the baby jogger, and took a brisk walk with her to the grocery store to pick up a few things (I've decided that it's high time I started cooking again - I can not rely on the generousity of friends forever), about a two mile round trip. When we got back, Ryan was home, and I made us french toast, sausages, and sides of fruit (with a mocha for Ryan, but not for me, because I am "off" coffee these days). It was great - classical music, good food, and I felt like, even at the early hour, I'd accomplished something.
After breakfast and showers, we loaded into the car "for an adventure." We first went to SuperGo, to drop Ryan off to look at some bike stuff and to get his bike wheel fixed (he broke a spoke). While he did that, Tessa and I went next-door to Half Price Books, and found her a couple of cute books (and spent time reading many more) to take home. Then we all met up again, and went to the UW campus just for the sake of walking around and enjoying the campus. It was Tessa's first time there, and I have no idea what she thought of the beautiful architecture and landscaping, but I am certain that she liked the squirrels and the fact that, with no students there now, we could let her run wild around campus - lots of grass and footpaths, nothing to hurt her, so we let her lead the way. We walked through the quad and I pointed out various buildings and talked about the classes I'd taken there to Ryan, and we walked down my memory lane. (I should add, for those who know the campus, that we walked about 1/20th of it with Tessa...this was just a taste!)
After the UW, we went to U Village because there is a Barnes and Noble there, and Ryan and I each had gift certificates. (By mid-autumn there will be a Barnes and Noble just a couple of miles from us - it's under construction - but until then we must drive. I'd prefer a great independent bookstore but I have to admit that I do like Barnes and Noble, even if they are the downfall of civilization as we know it...!) We took turns - Tessa played on the play structure outside with Ryan while I shopped, and then Ryan shopped while Tessa and I read stories in the children's section.
It was a great morning, but up popped and evil headache, and on the car ride home I was silent...ugh. A big glass of water and two Motrin later it's much better, thank goodness.
Tonight we have no plans, which is lovely. I do, however, plan to cook dinner...something I'm trying to do much more often now. Susie made a fabulous pototo salad (roasted baby potatoes, sour cream, basil, and roasted garlic...soooo delicious!) at a recent BBQ, so I got her recipe, and I'm considering it the centerpiece of the meal. I am also making insalata caprese (we eat it all summer - I just love it), wild sockeye salmon (grilled), and broccoli, but the meal is planned around the potato salad. Yummm yummm.
I hope that your Sundays are going as well...minus the headache, of course!
Kristina
Saturday, August 20, 2005
Wonderful things
There was a spinoff thread of the "what not to say to a cancer patient" thread in the YSC group, about what wonderful things people have said to help make cancer easier. I thought you guys should see my responses:
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Favorite things they have said and done:
"I'm here if you need me, day or night."
"Let me organize people for you so that you don't need to tell everyone what you need - just tell me and I'll take care of it."
"Can I treat you to a pedicure? What time can I pick you up?"
"Why don't I take Tessa [my daughter] for a couple of hours to play at my house so that you can take a break?"
"What would you like for dinner?"
"We - your yard work crew - will be there on Saturday. Anything special, besides edging, weeding, and mowing the lawn that you would like done?"
"I got a gift certificate for a spa for my Mother's Day present. I'd like to share it with you and I won't take no for an answer. What day are you available?"
"I pray for you every day."
"I dedicate my yoga practice to you each day."
"I never did breast self exams before, but now I do them monthly. Thank you for reminding me to take care of myself."
"You inspire me."
"Not a day goes by that I don't think of you."
"What can I do for you?"
"I love being your friend."
"I did/am doing a breast cancer (or general cancer) fundraiser in your name. Let's kick cancer's butt!"
"I donated to Ryan's Lance Armstrong fundraiser."
"I love you."
The gifts, cards, and meals are wonderful - and truly keep us going on both a practical and a spiritual level - and just knowing that my friends and family are truly there for me keeps me going in ways I never could have anticipated. I feel very, very fortunate to have these blessings in my life.
Kristina
-----------------------
Favorite things they have said and done:
"I'm here if you need me, day or night."
"Let me organize people for you so that you don't need to tell everyone what you need - just tell me and I'll take care of it."
"Can I treat you to a pedicure? What time can I pick you up?"
"Why don't I take Tessa [my daughter] for a couple of hours to play at my house so that you can take a break?"
"What would you like for dinner?"
"We - your yard work crew - will be there on Saturday. Anything special, besides edging, weeding, and mowing the lawn that you would like done?"
"I got a gift certificate for a spa for my Mother's Day present. I'd like to share it with you and I won't take no for an answer. What day are you available?"
"I pray for you every day."
"I dedicate my yoga practice to you each day."
"I never did breast self exams before, but now I do them monthly. Thank you for reminding me to take care of myself."
"You inspire me."
"Not a day goes by that I don't think of you."
"What can I do for you?"
"I love being your friend."
"I did/am doing a breast cancer (or general cancer) fundraiser in your name. Let's kick cancer's butt!"
"I donated to Ryan's Lance Armstrong fundraiser."
"I love you."
The gifts, cards, and meals are wonderful - and truly keep us going on both a practical and a spiritual level - and just knowing that my friends and family are truly there for me keeps me going in ways I never could have anticipated. I feel very, very fortunate to have these blessings in my life.
Kristina
A few moments to sit still
This morning, after restless night-time sleep, all three of us slept in, rising at the oh-so-late hour of 8am. It's funny how a child can change one's perception of "sleeping in" - there were days before she came in that nothing prior to 10am would have been perceived as a late morning!
Anyway, when we got ourselves together, we decided to go on a train ride together ("One with a whistle, Mommy!") at the Snoqualmie Railroad. The ride is only 75 minutes and perfect for little children, and we even found a coupon in the Entertainment Book. We packed a picnic, left early, and enjoyed our picnic at a cute little city park next to the train depot, under the shade of a lovely gazebo and surrounded by flowers. Then we took the scenic, slow train ride, enjoyed ourselves, and returned home. Tessa fell asleep in the car and didn't mind being transferred to her bed, and Ryan is using the opportunity to rest as well. I should be resting, but I'm enjoying the stolen moments of quiet in the house.
I think that my greatest regret about my life in general is (besides breast cancer, of course!) that there are simply not enough hours in the day to do all the things I'd like to do. It's my own fault that my life is this way - today, for example, we could have spent a quiet day at home, but I won't hear of it when there is an adventure to be had. I'm constantly organizing some small social event, visiting a friend, answering or making a phone call, or coming up with some idea about what Ryan, Tessa and I could do for fun, and this is how I like things - it makes me feel alive to live in this way. However, the down side is that there is little room for quiet contemplation, and, believe it or not, I do like that, too. It wasn't SO long ago that I could lose myself in the Sunday New York Times, or read a novel from cover to cover without falling asleep (I still read as much as I can but I do tend to conk out midway these days), or take time to write in a journal. I do, of course, update here daily, but as you can see these are usually not thoughtful or thought-provoking posts, but more lists of things that are going on in my life. I miss having the time to reflect more often, or to record the analysis in addition to the facts (or, for you English teachers out there....what I write here is too much concrete detail and not enough commentary!). This is a statement of fact, not really a complaint, however. I choose to live my life in the way I choose to live it. Life with a two year old...and breast cancer...allows less time for analysis by nature, and I accept that. I do look forward to the days when I can spend time in true, deep thought again, though, and the few moments that I can do so these days are precious.
In these moments of reflection, I keep asking myself where I am in the process of dealing with my cancer. As with death, in serious illness there is a cycle of grief that starts with denial and ends with acceptance (I can't remember all the in between steps, but anger is certainly one of them). I don't feel much anger - I am not an angry person in general, and I don't find anger a useful emotion most of the time. But do I accept cancer? I struggle with the word acceptance, and that tells me that I have not, indeed, accepted my illness entirely. I would accept an award given to me for something well done - to me, that implies that I agree with the decision to grant the award and I embrace it being given to me. I do not feel this way about cancer in the slightest - I'm willing to dump it off at the earliest possible opportunity. But, in many ways, I'm accepting what is happening. I don't cry and rage because right now, I don't feel a need to. I'm too busy living, fighting, and (honestly) seeing progress against my disease to spend much time focusing on the frustrations of the disease. I worry that in six months, when this is old, old news but I'm still facing further treatment, further surgery, and further pain, that my anger will hit me then, but we will see.
My treatment plan is a long one:
May 25, 2005: Found a breast lump
May 26, 2005: General practitioner concurred that yes, there was a lump, and referred me to a mammogram
May 27, 2005: Two mammograms and an ultrasound are highly suspicious
May 31, 2005: Biopsies (3)
June 1, 2005: Diagnosis: Infiltrating Ductal Carcinoma
June 13, 2005: Mastectomy (11 days til drains removed)
July 14, 2005: Portacath placement (surgery)
July 18, 2005: Ancillary Node Dissection (8 days til drains removed)
July 27, 2005: First chemo, Adriamycin/Cytoxan (biweekly, 4 cycles)
August 6, 2005: Head shaving (hair started falling out day before)
September 21, 2005: First chemo, Taxol (weekly, 12 weeks), plus Herceptin (weekly, 52 weeks)
December 7, 2005: expected last date for chemo (20 weeks total)
Radiation: unknown at this time, but 6 weeks if we do it, January 2006
February 2006: removal of ovaries or hysterectomy and ovaries
September 21, 2006: Last Herceptin treatment (weekly IV)
Late Fall 2006: reconstructive surgery; often requires multiple surgeries; will remove right breast and reconstruct it at the same time
2009: Expected date for my hair to be as long as it was before chemotherapy
Early 2006 to early 2011: Hormone therapy, an aramatase inhibitor like Femara (oral)
There is a lot to think about in this list, and the most obvious thing is that I am barely on the on-ramp in terms of the freeway that is my treatment. I think I'm relatively accepting about where I'm at, and that feels good most days, but the truth is that I have a long, long road ahead of me. I will go through menopause at the age of 36, and I will still be on some "major" drugs when Tessa is in the second grade.
Breast cancer, in this way, changes everything. I can not believe how blythely, how assuredly, how confidently I was charging ahead in the day to day of my existance when this hit me from sideways. I really never thought a minute about getting sick, beyond that I wished avoid colds because they keep Tessa and I in quarantine from other kids and moms, and that the stomach flu was "the worst" because I'm phobic about throwing up. It really never occurred to me in any real ways that I could get sick in the truest sense of the world, and it certainly never occurred to me that it would impact my family as deeply as it has. If I could go back, I would not change this one bit. I would change my level of appreciation for my life, but I would keep my naivete. Being naive isn't exactly the same as being ignorant (I knew on an intellectual level that things could change - that is why I did breast self exams to begin with - so I wasn't ignorant of anything but the future) but naivete, I am here to report, is bliss.
I miss the simplicity of the "before" - and there will always be a "before" and "after" when it comes to my diagnosis. I think that if I live to be 100, I will never forget how I felt before June 1, 2005, and how I felt afterwards. I will never be able to go back, because now I truly understand both the wonder and joy in my beautiful life (for it is beautiful, to me) but also some of the depths of the sorrow. I understand now that life is a spider-web, beautiful, intricate, stronger that it looks - but infinitely fragile, as well. I understand this on a gut level now, and not just an intellectual one. I do not wish this understanding on anyone.
Another thing that I miss about the "before" is that I was the person helping others. I have always enjoyed making a friend a meal, or sending a cheerful card, or giving a phone call, or having the play date at my house, or inviting friends to dinner or a BBQ. These days, I am the recipient of so much incredible kindness, and I am not often able to reciprocate. I miss the feeling of helpfulness of the "before." Like Tessa, I very much want to say, "NO! I want to do it BY MYSELF!" Of course, I am intensely grateful for the help we've received - indeed, I think that we would have collapsed a thousand times without it - but I'm sad that I am not the person to help others right now. It doesn't help me at this time to know that one day, again, I will be helping others, because right now, and for the foreseeable future, my ability to lend a hand is severely limited, and that is just the way it is, and it's hard.
What other random musings have I wanted to share, and not been able to?
Here's one. The other day, I ran into our old neighbors two days in a row. On the first day, I was wearing my wig. On the second day, only my bandana. Our old friend, a lovely woman, came to me, hugged me, and said, "Kristina, what are you going through?" Bluntness is the only way I knew how to answer, so I told the truth in three words, "Chemotherapy. Breast cancer." She hugged me tighter, told me that she'd pray for me, and told me about a family member that was dying from his own ailments right then...she said it had been a rough year for their family. In the middle of a resturant, I was humbled, because sometimes (and this is embarrassing to say), in the middle of the catastrophe that has been our last few months, I forget that I am not the only one who has had suffering, and that the world has gone on, with not only the joy I usually see, but also with great suffering. I had forgotten how lucky I am - there is no guarantee that I will die from breast cancer, thank God - and that there are even bigger problems in the world. I am humbled by this reminder, and I hope that it can make me stronger as I face the adversity in my life. My adversity is minor compared to losing a family member (I'm making the big assumption that I won't be the family member in question!), compared to the tsunami last winter, compared to the poverty in the world....compared to so many things. How on earth could I have lost perspective on something so fundamental? Well, I must say, I'm glad to be brought back to earth on that subject, and it somehow eases my burden to be reminded that, though it's pretty large, it's certainly not the biggest on out there, not by a long shot.
And on another topic:
I'm afraid of dying. Who isn't? I'm not as much afraid of actually being dead (I think that things are pretty resolved for me at that point...!) as of the process of dying. If I believe I am dying, my heart will ache from the pain of losing, and leaving, Ryan and Tessa more than I could possibly stand, and I can not bear to think of the pain they would feel. I can not read stories about the dead or dying. I can not read an obituary. I can not look at the website of a beautiful young woman who is the friend of friends who died of breast cancer shortly after my diagnosis (leaving behind a beautiful son and husband) because I can not bear it. If you want to know what stage I'm in for this one, it's definitely denial. Because I simply refuse to think about the option of dying. It's not an option to me. It's awful. I can't think about it.
And on a lighter subject:
Wigs. There seem to be certain camps in the cancer community on the subject of hair. In one camp, there are those who cling to their wigs, trying to sleep in them (they actually sell a wig you can sleep in, in the TLC catalog for cancer patients) and never considering leaving the house with them. In another camp, there are those who believe that the wig belies who they are, and that wearing a wig somehow betrays who they have become as a person. Well, I'm not in either camp, it turns out. I have done the public pool thing bald, I'm often seen in a bandana or sun hat, and I will wear my hats this winter. But I have fallen in love with my new wig! When I wear it, nobody does a double take. I do not need to catch people's eyes to reassure them that I am, indeed, alive and vibrant. I do not need to explain anything to inquisitive children. I do not stand out in a crowd when I wear my wig. Plus, my wig is SO much prettier than my real hair! My new, long wig (I need to post a photo) has now been trimmed and styled by Krista, and I LOVE it. When I catch my reflection in a window when I'm wearing my wig, I think "Wow she has pretty hair!" before I realize that it's ME in the glass. I don't think that this is in any way a denial of who I am or what I'm going through - I certainly know I am living every minute of my life as a cancer survivor, but let me tell you, I just feel GOOD in my wig. Sometimes I don't feel like wearing the wig - it's not always comfortable, and as I sit here typing, I'm bald bald bald with nothing on my head - but I'm so glad that I have it and I think that the public "me" will wear it most of the time.
And speaking of my bald head - yesterday it became more bald. I'd been planning on having Ryan shave off a bunch of the stubble, but yesterday took care of that for me. In the evening, I felt the prickly sensation again, and most of the stubble came out. There is still some stubble remaining (I suspect it will never go away entirely) but most of my head is shiny now, with a lot of smoothness.
And here's another random thought:
I never did post here about my tea party! Well, a couple of weekends ago, we spent most of the weekend with my parents. We needed to run an errand to pick up Gavin's birthday presents, and since we were on the east side we popped in to Factoria. While there, I got hungry (I'm always hungry these days, especially for starch like bread, pasta, rice, and potatoes) and so we found a place to eat...a tea house! Tucked in to Factoria is "The Secret Garden," a place I wouldn't seek out (I'm not a big fan of malls in general, or Factoria Mall specifically) but fit the day perfectly. My dad and Ryan took one look and said, "NO thank you!" and went to pizza elsewhere in the mall, and this left my mom, my grandmother, Tessa, and I to have a ladies' tea party. We weren't dressed for the occassion, but it was so incredibly special to share this moment between four generations in our family. Tessa had the "teddy bear tea" which came with pink lemonade (for once I let her have it even though it probably was full of food coloring) in a little teapot, and a tiered tray with tiny sandwiches, fruit, and cookies, with a scone on the side. Tessa had her scone in the truly English fashion, with lemon curd and Devonshire cream. We all drank out of frilly pink china tea-cups, with pink napkins, tiny silver teaspoons, and all of the other silliness that comes with a tea party. Tessa learned how to place her cup in the saucer (though she clearly thought that saucers were a waste of time, she practiced well at being a lady), and the four of us chatted and enjoyed each other's company, as well as the food. It was delightful - and it's a moment that I've dreamed about. To have a tea party, a real one, with my beautiful daughter, beloved mother, and darling grandmother, is a treat that I will never forget. Perhaps it was even more special because of its spontenaity. It is a memory I will treasure for all my life. Here is a picture to show you the event:
And on that happy note, I think I would like to catch some rest myself. I will not proofread or edit, as I never do here, and I will trust that you all know that I could go back and craft my message if I had more time, but instead I will leave it at this and consider these ramblings simply my field notes - something to return to so that I can make sense and art out of it later.
With love,
Kristina
Anyway, when we got ourselves together, we decided to go on a train ride together ("One with a whistle, Mommy!") at the Snoqualmie Railroad. The ride is only 75 minutes and perfect for little children, and we even found a coupon in the Entertainment Book. We packed a picnic, left early, and enjoyed our picnic at a cute little city park next to the train depot, under the shade of a lovely gazebo and surrounded by flowers. Then we took the scenic, slow train ride, enjoyed ourselves, and returned home. Tessa fell asleep in the car and didn't mind being transferred to her bed, and Ryan is using the opportunity to rest as well. I should be resting, but I'm enjoying the stolen moments of quiet in the house.
I think that my greatest regret about my life in general is (besides breast cancer, of course!) that there are simply not enough hours in the day to do all the things I'd like to do. It's my own fault that my life is this way - today, for example, we could have spent a quiet day at home, but I won't hear of it when there is an adventure to be had. I'm constantly organizing some small social event, visiting a friend, answering or making a phone call, or coming up with some idea about what Ryan, Tessa and I could do for fun, and this is how I like things - it makes me feel alive to live in this way. However, the down side is that there is little room for quiet contemplation, and, believe it or not, I do like that, too. It wasn't SO long ago that I could lose myself in the Sunday New York Times, or read a novel from cover to cover without falling asleep (I still read as much as I can but I do tend to conk out midway these days), or take time to write in a journal. I do, of course, update here daily, but as you can see these are usually not thoughtful or thought-provoking posts, but more lists of things that are going on in my life. I miss having the time to reflect more often, or to record the analysis in addition to the facts (or, for you English teachers out there....what I write here is too much concrete detail and not enough commentary!). This is a statement of fact, not really a complaint, however. I choose to live my life in the way I choose to live it. Life with a two year old...and breast cancer...allows less time for analysis by nature, and I accept that. I do look forward to the days when I can spend time in true, deep thought again, though, and the few moments that I can do so these days are precious.
In these moments of reflection, I keep asking myself where I am in the process of dealing with my cancer. As with death, in serious illness there is a cycle of grief that starts with denial and ends with acceptance (I can't remember all the in between steps, but anger is certainly one of them). I don't feel much anger - I am not an angry person in general, and I don't find anger a useful emotion most of the time. But do I accept cancer? I struggle with the word acceptance, and that tells me that I have not, indeed, accepted my illness entirely. I would accept an award given to me for something well done - to me, that implies that I agree with the decision to grant the award and I embrace it being given to me. I do not feel this way about cancer in the slightest - I'm willing to dump it off at the earliest possible opportunity. But, in many ways, I'm accepting what is happening. I don't cry and rage because right now, I don't feel a need to. I'm too busy living, fighting, and (honestly) seeing progress against my disease to spend much time focusing on the frustrations of the disease. I worry that in six months, when this is old, old news but I'm still facing further treatment, further surgery, and further pain, that my anger will hit me then, but we will see.
My treatment plan is a long one:
May 25, 2005: Found a breast lump
May 26, 2005: General practitioner concurred that yes, there was a lump, and referred me to a mammogram
May 27, 2005: Two mammograms and an ultrasound are highly suspicious
May 31, 2005: Biopsies (3)
June 1, 2005: Diagnosis: Infiltrating Ductal Carcinoma
June 13, 2005: Mastectomy (11 days til drains removed)
July 14, 2005: Portacath placement (surgery)
July 18, 2005: Ancillary Node Dissection (8 days til drains removed)
July 27, 2005: First chemo, Adriamycin/Cytoxan (biweekly, 4 cycles)
August 6, 2005: Head shaving (hair started falling out day before)
September 21, 2005: First chemo, Taxol (weekly, 12 weeks), plus Herceptin (weekly, 52 weeks)
December 7, 2005: expected last date for chemo (20 weeks total)
Radiation: unknown at this time, but 6 weeks if we do it, January 2006
February 2006: removal of ovaries or hysterectomy and ovaries
September 21, 2006: Last Herceptin treatment (weekly IV)
Late Fall 2006: reconstructive surgery; often requires multiple surgeries; will remove right breast and reconstruct it at the same time
2009: Expected date for my hair to be as long as it was before chemotherapy
Early 2006 to early 2011: Hormone therapy, an aramatase inhibitor like Femara (oral)
There is a lot to think about in this list, and the most obvious thing is that I am barely on the on-ramp in terms of the freeway that is my treatment. I think I'm relatively accepting about where I'm at, and that feels good most days, but the truth is that I have a long, long road ahead of me. I will go through menopause at the age of 36, and I will still be on some "major" drugs when Tessa is in the second grade.
Breast cancer, in this way, changes everything. I can not believe how blythely, how assuredly, how confidently I was charging ahead in the day to day of my existance when this hit me from sideways. I really never thought a minute about getting sick, beyond that I wished avoid colds because they keep Tessa and I in quarantine from other kids and moms, and that the stomach flu was "the worst" because I'm phobic about throwing up. It really never occurred to me in any real ways that I could get sick in the truest sense of the world, and it certainly never occurred to me that it would impact my family as deeply as it has. If I could go back, I would not change this one bit. I would change my level of appreciation for my life, but I would keep my naivete. Being naive isn't exactly the same as being ignorant (I knew on an intellectual level that things could change - that is why I did breast self exams to begin with - so I wasn't ignorant of anything but the future) but naivete, I am here to report, is bliss.
I miss the simplicity of the "before" - and there will always be a "before" and "after" when it comes to my diagnosis. I think that if I live to be 100, I will never forget how I felt before June 1, 2005, and how I felt afterwards. I will never be able to go back, because now I truly understand both the wonder and joy in my beautiful life (for it is beautiful, to me) but also some of the depths of the sorrow. I understand now that life is a spider-web, beautiful, intricate, stronger that it looks - but infinitely fragile, as well. I understand this on a gut level now, and not just an intellectual one. I do not wish this understanding on anyone.
Another thing that I miss about the "before" is that I was the person helping others. I have always enjoyed making a friend a meal, or sending a cheerful card, or giving a phone call, or having the play date at my house, or inviting friends to dinner or a BBQ. These days, I am the recipient of so much incredible kindness, and I am not often able to reciprocate. I miss the feeling of helpfulness of the "before." Like Tessa, I very much want to say, "NO! I want to do it BY MYSELF!" Of course, I am intensely grateful for the help we've received - indeed, I think that we would have collapsed a thousand times without it - but I'm sad that I am not the person to help others right now. It doesn't help me at this time to know that one day, again, I will be helping others, because right now, and for the foreseeable future, my ability to lend a hand is severely limited, and that is just the way it is, and it's hard.
What other random musings have I wanted to share, and not been able to?
Here's one. The other day, I ran into our old neighbors two days in a row. On the first day, I was wearing my wig. On the second day, only my bandana. Our old friend, a lovely woman, came to me, hugged me, and said, "Kristina, what are you going through?" Bluntness is the only way I knew how to answer, so I told the truth in three words, "Chemotherapy. Breast cancer." She hugged me tighter, told me that she'd pray for me, and told me about a family member that was dying from his own ailments right then...she said it had been a rough year for their family. In the middle of a resturant, I was humbled, because sometimes (and this is embarrassing to say), in the middle of the catastrophe that has been our last few months, I forget that I am not the only one who has had suffering, and that the world has gone on, with not only the joy I usually see, but also with great suffering. I had forgotten how lucky I am - there is no guarantee that I will die from breast cancer, thank God - and that there are even bigger problems in the world. I am humbled by this reminder, and I hope that it can make me stronger as I face the adversity in my life. My adversity is minor compared to losing a family member (I'm making the big assumption that I won't be the family member in question!), compared to the tsunami last winter, compared to the poverty in the world....compared to so many things. How on earth could I have lost perspective on something so fundamental? Well, I must say, I'm glad to be brought back to earth on that subject, and it somehow eases my burden to be reminded that, though it's pretty large, it's certainly not the biggest on out there, not by a long shot.
And on another topic:
I'm afraid of dying. Who isn't? I'm not as much afraid of actually being dead (I think that things are pretty resolved for me at that point...!) as of the process of dying. If I believe I am dying, my heart will ache from the pain of losing, and leaving, Ryan and Tessa more than I could possibly stand, and I can not bear to think of the pain they would feel. I can not read stories about the dead or dying. I can not read an obituary. I can not look at the website of a beautiful young woman who is the friend of friends who died of breast cancer shortly after my diagnosis (leaving behind a beautiful son and husband) because I can not bear it. If you want to know what stage I'm in for this one, it's definitely denial. Because I simply refuse to think about the option of dying. It's not an option to me. It's awful. I can't think about it.
And on a lighter subject:
Wigs. There seem to be certain camps in the cancer community on the subject of hair. In one camp, there are those who cling to their wigs, trying to sleep in them (they actually sell a wig you can sleep in, in the TLC catalog for cancer patients) and never considering leaving the house with them. In another camp, there are those who believe that the wig belies who they are, and that wearing a wig somehow betrays who they have become as a person. Well, I'm not in either camp, it turns out. I have done the public pool thing bald, I'm often seen in a bandana or sun hat, and I will wear my hats this winter. But I have fallen in love with my new wig! When I wear it, nobody does a double take. I do not need to catch people's eyes to reassure them that I am, indeed, alive and vibrant. I do not need to explain anything to inquisitive children. I do not stand out in a crowd when I wear my wig. Plus, my wig is SO much prettier than my real hair! My new, long wig (I need to post a photo) has now been trimmed and styled by Krista, and I LOVE it. When I catch my reflection in a window when I'm wearing my wig, I think "Wow she has pretty hair!" before I realize that it's ME in the glass. I don't think that this is in any way a denial of who I am or what I'm going through - I certainly know I am living every minute of my life as a cancer survivor, but let me tell you, I just feel GOOD in my wig. Sometimes I don't feel like wearing the wig - it's not always comfortable, and as I sit here typing, I'm bald bald bald with nothing on my head - but I'm so glad that I have it and I think that the public "me" will wear it most of the time.
And speaking of my bald head - yesterday it became more bald. I'd been planning on having Ryan shave off a bunch of the stubble, but yesterday took care of that for me. In the evening, I felt the prickly sensation again, and most of the stubble came out. There is still some stubble remaining (I suspect it will never go away entirely) but most of my head is shiny now, with a lot of smoothness.
And here's another random thought:
I never did post here about my tea party! Well, a couple of weekends ago, we spent most of the weekend with my parents. We needed to run an errand to pick up Gavin's birthday presents, and since we were on the east side we popped in to Factoria. While there, I got hungry (I'm always hungry these days, especially for starch like bread, pasta, rice, and potatoes) and so we found a place to eat...a tea house! Tucked in to Factoria is "The Secret Garden," a place I wouldn't seek out (I'm not a big fan of malls in general, or Factoria Mall specifically) but fit the day perfectly. My dad and Ryan took one look and said, "NO thank you!" and went to pizza elsewhere in the mall, and this left my mom, my grandmother, Tessa, and I to have a ladies' tea party. We weren't dressed for the occassion, but it was so incredibly special to share this moment between four generations in our family. Tessa had the "teddy bear tea" which came with pink lemonade (for once I let her have it even though it probably was full of food coloring) in a little teapot, and a tiered tray with tiny sandwiches, fruit, and cookies, with a scone on the side. Tessa had her scone in the truly English fashion, with lemon curd and Devonshire cream. We all drank out of frilly pink china tea-cups, with pink napkins, tiny silver teaspoons, and all of the other silliness that comes with a tea party. Tessa learned how to place her cup in the saucer (though she clearly thought that saucers were a waste of time, she practiced well at being a lady), and the four of us chatted and enjoyed each other's company, as well as the food. It was delightful - and it's a moment that I've dreamed about. To have a tea party, a real one, with my beautiful daughter, beloved mother, and darling grandmother, is a treat that I will never forget. Perhaps it was even more special because of its spontenaity. It is a memory I will treasure for all my life. Here is a picture to show you the event:
And on that happy note, I think I would like to catch some rest myself. I will not proofread or edit, as I never do here, and I will trust that you all know that I could go back and craft my message if I had more time, but instead I will leave it at this and consider these ramblings simply my field notes - something to return to so that I can make sense and art out of it later.
With love,
Kristina
Friday, August 19, 2005
This made me laugh and laugh
Okay, you've got to read this, but remember two things:
1. "Strong" language (keep the kids away!)
2. I'm sure you're not guilty of any of these sayings. ;-)
I recognize that people just don't know what to say, and my personal feeling is that I'd rather have you say SOMETHING than ignore me. (Except "well you could get hit by a bus tomorrow" because that one is just plain irritating on a number of levels.) And I actually LIKE the Lance comments because we're big fans in this house. But the rest, well, you've just got to laugh.
Check it out and see for yourself:
41 Things to Never Say to a Cancer Patient
Thanks, Kristi, for posting that!
Love,
Kristina
1. "Strong" language (keep the kids away!)
2. I'm sure you're not guilty of any of these sayings. ;-)
I recognize that people just don't know what to say, and my personal feeling is that I'd rather have you say SOMETHING than ignore me. (Except "well you could get hit by a bus tomorrow" because that one is just plain irritating on a number of levels.) And I actually LIKE the Lance comments because we're big fans in this house. But the rest, well, you've just got to laugh.
Check it out and see for yourself:
41 Things to Never Say to a Cancer Patient
Thanks, Kristi, for posting that!
Love,
Kristina
DEXA results - good!
When we were at our friends' Keith & Noel's tonight enjoying a lovely dinner (thank you!) and having fun watching the three girls play together, I got a call from the nurse at my OB's office. (The OB, Dr. Hutchison, is the one who ordered the bone density scan for me.) She said that the DEXA results are all normal! I have no idea how to interpret this (although it must be good, right?) because the regular (not density) bone scan showed "degeneration in the hips bilaterally" so what does that mean?
Anyway, I like that my tests are coming back normal these days and I appreciate that. :-)
Good night,
Kristina
Anyway, I like that my tests are coming back normal these days and I appreciate that. :-)
Good night,
Kristina
CA 27.29 and Great News
CA 27.29 is a cancer marker (CA is "cancer antigen") that shows up in the blood. For those of you with photographic memories, you may recall that the usual healthy range is 38 and below, and mine was 44.4 when I was first tested, at the time of my diagnosis, and before my mastectomy. Well, today, when calling to ask my oncologist a few questions and follow up on my DEXA scan (no results yet), I asked about CA 27.29 and if it had been tested again, and what the results were.
Oncologist's Nurse: "Your CA 27.29 levels are normal, and have been since July."
Me: "What? You mean I'm cancer free????"
Oncologist's Nurse: "You're a survivor!"
This is very exciting, celebratory news. My body is not registering that it has cancer any more, and I hope and pray that any stray cancer cells are being nuked by the chemo, never to recur.
I am aware that breast cancer is considered a chronic disease, and that I will need testing for the rest of my life (MRIs, bone scans, etc.) to make sure that we don't let anything go undetected for too long. Sometimes people go years with no signs, and then go in for a test, only to find metastatic cancer. Those are the thoughts that keep me up at night, of course, but they're the same thoughts that I refuse to dwell on.
Today, I am dwelling on the very real possibility that when I say I'm cancer free, I am telling the truth. Break out the champagne!!
Love,
Kristina
PS Okay, save the champagne because I've lost my taste for alcohol while on chemo....! I'll have a sparkling water in a fancy glass, instead. :-)
Oncologist's Nurse: "Your CA 27.29 levels are normal, and have been since July."
Me: "What? You mean I'm cancer free????"
Oncologist's Nurse: "You're a survivor!"
This is very exciting, celebratory news. My body is not registering that it has cancer any more, and I hope and pray that any stray cancer cells are being nuked by the chemo, never to recur.
I am aware that breast cancer is considered a chronic disease, and that I will need testing for the rest of my life (MRIs, bone scans, etc.) to make sure that we don't let anything go undetected for too long. Sometimes people go years with no signs, and then go in for a test, only to find metastatic cancer. Those are the thoughts that keep me up at night, of course, but they're the same thoughts that I refuse to dwell on.
Today, I am dwelling on the very real possibility that when I say I'm cancer free, I am telling the truth. Break out the champagne!!
Love,
Kristina
PS Okay, save the champagne because I've lost my taste for alcohol while on chemo....! I'll have a sparkling water in a fancy glass, instead. :-)
Thursday, August 18, 2005
A day to myself
Today, Tessa is off to Grammy's house (as she does every Thursday). Tessa will do the things that she does every Thursday: she will go swimming; she will go to the Wiggle Worms "gymnastics" class with Grammy, Uncle Mike, and cousin Caleb; there may be a visit to the pet store to see the small animals and watch the dogs get groomed; there will be a Chinese food lunch at the resturant that they go to every week (with Grandpa, too); there will be running and kisses with Foster-puppy - in short, Tessa will have a wonderful day and she really looks forward to these Thursdays.
Usually, on Thursdays, I book myself up. Lately, I've been using them for doctor's appointments, because then I don't feel mommy-guilt for spending so much time away from Tessa (trust me, Tessa-girl, I would rather play with you than go to the doctor!). But today, it's all about ME and I'm delighted.
This morning I have few plans, and then some time after noon my friend Gretchen is coming over for lunch, girl-talk, and visiting. Mid-afternoon I have an appointment with Krista to get my new wig styled. Now THESE are the appointments that should be done on a mommy's day off (I won't even bother mentioning that I wish it was a "real" hair appointment, not a wig appointment....!).
I will probably get some things done around the house that have been bugging me, but I will do them on my terms. I'll listen only to music I like, do only what I wish....
It's time to dive in. Hurrah!!!!
Love,
Kristina
PS WELCOME TO THE WORLD, PARKER! I got news from Heather that Shannon's son was born last night or this morning, happy and healthy. Hurrahhhhhhh!
Usually, on Thursdays, I book myself up. Lately, I've been using them for doctor's appointments, because then I don't feel mommy-guilt for spending so much time away from Tessa (trust me, Tessa-girl, I would rather play with you than go to the doctor!). But today, it's all about ME and I'm delighted.
This morning I have few plans, and then some time after noon my friend Gretchen is coming over for lunch, girl-talk, and visiting. Mid-afternoon I have an appointment with Krista to get my new wig styled. Now THESE are the appointments that should be done on a mommy's day off (I won't even bother mentioning that I wish it was a "real" hair appointment, not a wig appointment....!).
I will probably get some things done around the house that have been bugging me, but I will do them on my terms. I'll listen only to music I like, do only what I wish....
It's time to dive in. Hurrah!!!!
Love,
Kristina
PS WELCOME TO THE WORLD, PARKER! I got news from Heather that Shannon's son was born last night or this morning, happy and healthy. Hurrahhhhhhh!
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Breast Cancer Friends
Lately I have had the great fortune of making some lovely new friends. First there was Gretchen, who is a friend of Alice's; then there was Susan, who lives in Boston (we met in a chat room for breast cancer survivors); then there was Nicole (who attends the YSC support meetings, and I went to one); then there was Lia, who I met on a website for survivors and who has adopted me and sends me thoughtful presents on chemo days (thank you Lia!); then there was Prema (who I met online and who happens to have chemo at the same day and place I have mine - talk about a small world); and then there was Hope, who I met in the wig store. New friends from the most unlikely places, and I'm so fortunate to have met them. Gretchen, Susan and I exchange a flurry of emails daily, and these emails ground me and keep me sane. Recently, I was able to meet up with Nicole and Prema at Nicole's house, and we chatted like old friends and had a great time watching our children (five between the three of us) play.
I am so grateful to these new friends for showing me the way, for sharing their light, and for helping me to adjust to my new "normal."
Included here is a picture of Prema, myself, and Nicole on a sunny day this week.
Breast cancer is really a sisterhood - I am reminded of the ties that bind all women, of our fragility, but most of all, of our strength. I had no desire to join this club and, no offense ladies, but I'd drop out in a minute if I could, but the friendships that I am developing make it all bearable. Again, I am reminded of my blessings. I am grateful for my new friends, and though I wish they could all leave the club, I am glad to have friends with whom to share the journey.
Love,
Kristina
I am so grateful to these new friends for showing me the way, for sharing their light, and for helping me to adjust to my new "normal."
Included here is a picture of Prema, myself, and Nicole on a sunny day this week.
Breast cancer is really a sisterhood - I am reminded of the ties that bind all women, of our fragility, but most of all, of our strength. I had no desire to join this club and, no offense ladies, but I'd drop out in a minute if I could, but the friendships that I am developing make it all bearable. Again, I am reminded of my blessings. I am grateful for my new friends, and though I wish they could all leave the club, I am glad to have friends with whom to share the journey.
Love,
Kristina
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Tuesday's appointments
Today I had three doctor's appointments:
1. With my naturopath. Interestingly, she's the member of the team I feel the least connection to, which is the opposite of how I thought I'd feel. She's nice, and professional, and I don't have any complaints...but I just don't feel a connection. Anyway, this was a follow up visit with her. The hardest advice I have to follow is to get 8-10 hours of sleep daily. I have insomnia, and I'm terrible at napping, and she says "No wonder you're so tired!" She officiall called me a Super-Over-Achiever....is this a compliment? LOL She is pleased with how well I'm doing, though, so that is nice. She's added glucosamine to my vitamin regimin, as it might help with the neuropathy that is sometimes part of chemo (numbness in fingers, toes, etc.).
2. For a thyroid ultrasound. I've taken replacement thyroid hormones (Synthroid) since 1989 for hypothyroidism - a relatively commonplace problem that is completely controlable through a pill a day for the rest of my life. At my OB's physical, she noticed I had a little node that she could feel, so off to the ultrasound I went. In this case, they could read the results immediately, and all is well....my thyroid looks like it should for having been on Synthroid, and nothing else to report. Phew.
3. For a DEXA (bone density scan). As I mentioned before, my regular (not density) bone scan showed "dengeneration bilaterally in the hips" and this is cause for concern for osteoperosis or arthritis. This test will let us know...no results yet.
This morning was a lovely PEPS meeting, and the girls presented me with three great hats. I got tearful....the hats are lovely, but the women are even lovelier. I am blessed.
After the docs, Holly & Daven came over for a little visit and catch up, and it was good to see them. They're part of our regular routine and it's nice to have that routine.
My fatigue is improving - I did finally sleep last night - and I'm optimistic that tomorrow will be even easier. With Caley here, I had lots of help today, and that helped too.
Love to all - my handsome husband is home and it's time to eat the yummy dinner that Beth O. brought by yesterday (when we actually went out because our house was SO hot!). Thank you, Beth!
Love to all,
Kristina
1. With my naturopath. Interestingly, she's the member of the team I feel the least connection to, which is the opposite of how I thought I'd feel. She's nice, and professional, and I don't have any complaints...but I just don't feel a connection. Anyway, this was a follow up visit with her. The hardest advice I have to follow is to get 8-10 hours of sleep daily. I have insomnia, and I'm terrible at napping, and she says "No wonder you're so tired!" She officiall called me a Super-Over-Achiever....is this a compliment? LOL She is pleased with how well I'm doing, though, so that is nice. She's added glucosamine to my vitamin regimin, as it might help with the neuropathy that is sometimes part of chemo (numbness in fingers, toes, etc.).
2. For a thyroid ultrasound. I've taken replacement thyroid hormones (Synthroid) since 1989 for hypothyroidism - a relatively commonplace problem that is completely controlable through a pill a day for the rest of my life. At my OB's physical, she noticed I had a little node that she could feel, so off to the ultrasound I went. In this case, they could read the results immediately, and all is well....my thyroid looks like it should for having been on Synthroid, and nothing else to report. Phew.
3. For a DEXA (bone density scan). As I mentioned before, my regular (not density) bone scan showed "dengeneration bilaterally in the hips" and this is cause for concern for osteoperosis or arthritis. This test will let us know...no results yet.
This morning was a lovely PEPS meeting, and the girls presented me with three great hats. I got tearful....the hats are lovely, but the women are even lovelier. I am blessed.
After the docs, Holly & Daven came over for a little visit and catch up, and it was good to see them. They're part of our regular routine and it's nice to have that routine.
My fatigue is improving - I did finally sleep last night - and I'm optimistic that tomorrow will be even easier. With Caley here, I had lots of help today, and that helped too.
Love to all - my handsome husband is home and it's time to eat the yummy dinner that Beth O. brought by yesterday (when we actually went out because our house was SO hot!). Thank you, Beth!
Love to all,
Kristina
Monday, August 15, 2005
Fatigue
Well, after a long day, today is the day I can claim to have the most fatigue. I hung in there almost until the end, but now I am simply bone weary - the kind that makes me want to curl up in a quivering, tearful ball. Have no fear, I'm going to go to bed instead of turning to tears, but there it is.
Hoping for a better tomorrow!
Kristina
Hoping for a better tomorrow!
Kristina
Monday
Well, here I am, day 6 after the second chemo, and I'm hanging in there. I'm particularly tired today because I didn't sleep well last night, and I'm solo today (Caley is at home because she woke up with a sore throat and we can't afford to expose me to that) and I was active this morning...and of course my little angel chose today not to nap! Wish me luck making it to bedtime, because I could use a nap of my own in a big way today.
Love,
Kristina
Love,
Kristina
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Welcome, Kevin!
Today I got to meet my newest, youngest friend, Kevin. He was born on Friday, and folks, I've got to tell you, he's just gorgeous! Here are a couple of pictures - one with yours truly (oh what a heaven to hold a new life!), and one with the beaming parents, Jon & Lynn.
As I write, I believe my friend Natasha is still in labor. Tasha, our thoughts and prayers remain with you!
We've had a great day so far. We woke up to a snuggly girl climbing into our bed, full of giggles; then we went out to breakfast and ran into Larry, Jo, and one year old Millie (and we all dined together spontaneously); then we ran a quick Target errand (always one more thing to pick up!) before heading to the Farmer's Market to pick up the latest treats - right now the donut peaches (peaches shaped more or less like donuts) are divine, and the raspberries are INCREDIBLE. Then, I put in a quick visit to baby Kevin and family, came home, and we feasted on the market's treats for lunch. Now, Tessa is napping, Ryan is on a bikeride, I'm stealing computer time, and I am about to go pack up some things to head to the park when Tessa awakens and Ryan returns, for we will be joining Marilyn's birthday party. What a lovely day!
Love,
Kristina
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