this sucks

Ryan watched Tessa for an hour today while I blogged and then laid on the couch. That was my break.

What follows is not a gratitude list or a peaceful meditation.

THIS SUCKS.

I took Ryan to the doctor, and took Tessa to a coffee shop to wait for him (she's got a cold, so I didn't want her in the waiting room). We waited, then picked him up. Then we went to Rite-Aid, and Ryan waited in the car with his barf bucket handy while Tessa and I filled the prescriptions.

I dutifully asked the pharmacist all of the questions (Imitrex for migraines, an anti-emetic, and a pain med) and how they worked together and when he could take them blah blah blah. Side effect of all three? Sleepiness.

Got Ryan home. Got his water. Gave him three meds. Said "good night" and he went to the guest room.

Tessa and I are in PJs again and it's just after 6pm. Her nose is a faucet, she's pale, she's sneezing, and she's saying "my ear hurts." She's also saying, "I'm thirsty" and "let's snuggle" and "watch a movie with me." I have set her up but then I need to take my meds (I'm breaking down to take pain pills, plus the Lexapro, plus Benedryl....oh, crap, I forgot Aromasin) and she's saying, "Watch the movie NOW Mama!" She deserves me and love and tenderness but I just need to take my damn pills so leave me alone! (I say that here. I did NOT say that to her.)

Me? Oh, me? What do I have to complain about? New side effect: blurry vision. The happy pills won't kick in for at least another week or two (or six or eight) and I'm PISSED OFF. I feel nauseaus, achy, tired, sore (kicked in the chest by a horse kind of sore, mostly centered around my left shoulder). My new nipples (and area) are oozing stuff into the gauze that makes me want to barf when I look at it. I'm told that this is normal. I have a headache. My eyes are itchy.

But now I'm going to go upstairs to watch "My Little Pony" with my beloved daughter because that is what you do when you're a parent.

If the drugs work for Ryan, he'll feel better in two hours. But the pharmacist said that I should let him sleep it off. I asked. I wish I hadn't. But I love Ryan and I want him to be well and I guess I can count my blessings if I get away with him being ill only one day instead of five like last time. And I know this isn't what Ryan wanted or predicted. And I know that he feels genuinely lousy, that light makes him throw up he's so sick.

But it was supposed to be about ME. Is it EVER about me? Or am I something to be fit in whenever it's convenient? It appears that it's the latter at the moment, and at the moment my emotional and physical problems belong to me and nobody else and I'm in charge.

When Ryan is well enough to talk this through, we'll figure it out. And he can make up for it by taking care of me again.

Nobody said that life was fair, but this feels ridiculous.