Bad mood reigns

I am in a horrible mood.

Horrible.

PollyAnna is on vacation. I can't find her anywhere, and frankly, I am too freaking tired to look for her.

I do not have the ability to hold polite social conversations on the phone at this time. If you ask me how I am, I will tell you. Be warned. It's not pretty.

Physically, I'm doing fine. It sucks, but it's fine. I'm trying not to take pain meds because they have too many bad side effects. I'm managing.

Emotionally, I'm a wreck. I have done too much, been through too much. Ryan and I are arguing, and I'm very angry with him (and he with me). I have to come to terms with the fact that I ask for too much, and I need to ask for less. This is a struggle for me.

I am tired of being the strong one. I am tired of having to hold it all together. I am tired of doing the right thing, I am tired of being an optimist, I am tired of making lemonade from lemons. I am tired of trying to buoy the spirits of everyone around me. I am tired of telling everyone that I'm fine. I am tired of making others feel better that I had cancer. I am tired of smiling. I don't feel like smiling. I feel like crying. I am tired.

I do not need advice right now. If you offer it, no matter how well intentioned, I may snap. I apologize in advance for this anti-social behavior. I value good manners, but I am at my limit. It is best that I avoid social interactions right now, because I don't have one milimeter of patience or extra goodwill to share. I'm at my limit.

I'm just tired. Really, really tired.