Depression

I am relatively certain that I have slipped from a bad mood into a clinical depression.

If I look, it's been coming for a long time.

I have called the amazing Dr. Rinn (who was out of the office today) and left a message asking for anti-depressants. Maybe magic pills can make my problems go away.

I am completely drained of strength. I do not have anything left to give to others or myself.

I am ashamed of my inability to be a good mom. Thank GOD I can blame the surgery right now so that Tessa doesn't need to worry about one more thing.

I want to crawl into a hole, to disappear.

I can not shake the feeling that it is my job to make everyone else feel better, and that it's my Good Attitude that keeps the world spinning. It seems that now my Good Attitude has gone away the world will stop, but I know that's stupid and egocentric of me. I'm not that important, and I know it. Maybe a better way to put it would be to say that without My Good Attitude and Amazing Strength and Courage, which are ways I have defined myself, I feel unlovable. I feel like a screw up. My Good Attitude, Strength, and Courage have defined me for a long time and without them I am lost. Scared. Hopeless. Lonely. Frightened.

If anyone is seeking inspiration from me today, I'm afraid you'll have to go elsewhere. Shop is closed until further notice, with apologies from management.

And yet a tiny bit of me remains. For those of you who know and love me, know that I am working on it. That I am hopeful that Dr. Rinn has some new magic pills in her arsenal that will take the edge off. That I will remind myself of all of the things that I have to be grateful for, even though such a list makes me want to gag. That I will work on repairing my damaged relationships (I'm pissed off right now and there are those who know it). I'll get over it. I always do. It's just that right now, it's so dark, and I can't find a match, and I'm cold and scared.

Maybe all I need is rest.

Good God, reading this, I sound like a bad novel; like a cliche'. Whatever. It's all I've got right now.