Ryan is upstairs, wearing sunglasses to block the light, reading Tessa a story, so that I can rest. This was his idea.
I think it's a very good idea.
This is what it feels like to feel like hell and do what needs to be done. This is what I have been doing for a couple of years.
I wish that I could feel more tender right now, and that the tenderness was more genuine; instead, I feel like a little justice is being served, and that Ryan will be walking in my shoes for a while.
Maybe he will see that it feels good to be Strong and Brave, too, even (especially) in adverse circumstances. And this will let me feel weak and small when I need to be.
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3 comments:
As much as you want him to get a dose of what you've been through he'll never really get it and thank god..would you wish your hell on anyone? He can't begin to even remotely understand. Go to counseling yourself first and then the two of you should go together. I wish you the best during this very trying time. Think about going on a retreat without Tessa and Ryan to help you reclaim your life. You need to step away from the situation
I'm a big fan of your blog. Please know I'm rooting for you through this difficult time. You don't need to be graceful and strong. At the heart of it, you are a good person dealing with a terrible situation and that's clearly why people look to you. I just want to see you survive and be happy.
I do not want him to get a dose of life with cancer and eight surgeries etc. I want him to get a glimpse of doing the right thing for your family even when you feel like crap.
He CAN begin to understand. He had a breakdown, and I took care of him, despite my physical pain. Now I am having a breakdown in the midst of pain from surgery, and he has a migraine. I took care of him, I need him to take care of me.
When for an hour and a half he read his daughter a story to help her through the day and give me a break, he got a glimpse of the last two and a half years of life for me. The rest of the day (from 9am-6pm, minus that 1.5 hours) I took over for him. I hope that despite his pain he learned he's capable of doign what must be done.
Yes, I think I deserve that hour and a half, despite the fact that he felt lousy. I felt lousy too!
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