Good Mommy

Well, the days countdown until my surgery is on,and I'm determined to be a good mommy. Today Tessa went to kids' gym at the Y (which she loves....it's ME who struggles to go and work out these days) with Jessie and Zoe, and then we all loaded up in Katie's car and went to the Science Center. We just got back, tired and ready for a quiet evening at home.

I'm about to make a soup with the leftover hambone from Easter, and we'll have a simple dinner.

Tomorrow we have no scheduled activities until a hang-out and movie night (at home) with friends Michele & Dave, and it is actually nice to have such a low-key weekend in the works. We'll attend church as a family, too, but that's about it.

Big sigh of relief - we're all tired. Ryan's home safe from Austin, Tessa's struggling with fatigue from allergies, and I'm just struggling.

Still fakin' it, trying to make it. I'm doing a lot better than on some days, although I'm more tired than usual by these little efforts. While Ryan was gone I would tuck Tessa into bed at 8:15 or 8:30 and then go IMMEDIATELY to my own bed, reading (I'm on my third Jane Austin book now, having finished Sense and Sensibility, and also finishing Pride and Prejudice, I've moved on to Mansfield Park) before falling asleep well in advance of 10pm (usually before 9:30pm!) and then struggling to get up before 8am.

I'm realizing that my thyroid may be off...looking into that.

My therapist also gave me a talking to/lecture about exercise. I broke down crying, saying "I wanted to run a marathon and this stupid surgery sets me back every time and I'm just so frustrated I don't have the energy to do anything right now!" to which she (kindly) laughed and pointed out that I'd set the bar rather high for myself. She was thinking of a 20 minute walk each day, and I'm thinking of a marathon. Sigh. This is, all too often, how I judge myself.

Yesterday I took Shep for a good long walk for a couple of miles, and listened to a podcast of WSUU sermon called "Fear of Falling" from a Sunday that I'd missed. The sermon was PERFECT for me (go to iTunes and search on WSUU and you can download it for free if you're interested) and actually had me crying tears of empathy, relief, and irony because I related so well to the messages in it. (Good thing I walk a different way each time I go, that way I can convince all of West Seattle that I'm crazy, as I laugh or cry and listen to my iPod!)

And so I'm trying. I am a Good Girl and I Do What I Am Told is Good For Me. My therapist told me to work out more to raise endorphins etc. etc. and I am. I know what to do and I do as I'm told. That doesn't mean I like it, doesn't mean it's easy, doesn't mean taht I feel instant results,but it DOES mean that I'm trying. I'm trying very, very, very hard to make my life the life I'd like it to be.

Therapy

A good therapist is worth her weight in gold. At last, I have a good one.

Today was a good session. She allows me my fears, and then helps me with them.

The fears are still there. They'll never go away. But I'm learning how to manage them.

Fakin' it and Makin' It

This morning Tessa and I went back to Bellevue, this time to meet Caley for a coffee date. Caley and I talked and Tessa was a dream, reading her books and drawing and allowing us to catch up. Then, when Caley left for an appointment, Tessa and I lunched with Molly and caught up with her. Now we're home, and I'm cleaning - this place needs a good scrub and the laundry needs folding.

Oh - and I found a great belt to go with my black dress, for $1.50 on sale at the thrift shop.

I have not forgotten my fears. I have not forgotten about Mama Cath. But what can I do? So I hug Tessa, visit with friends, buy a belt, clean my house.

To some degree, it works. It's distracting, and that's good. It certainly doesn't make me forget, but it tempers the pain, and that is excellent.

So here I am, muddling through. Learning. Growing. Growing pains are harder than I remembered.

Stomachaches

Today Tessa is MUCH better. We went to a Dahl ladies' family lunch, then surprised Melissa and Ross with a pop-in to their office at the church just around the corner. This afternoon we took care of Kelton and Camille, and Anna is here now. These things are good.

What's not so good is that there are several girls on YSC who are crashing. Jessica was someone I didn't know well, but she was posting her treatment plans earlier this month, and today she died. She DIED! Last night she was struggling, but still cracking jokes with her husband, and now she's gone. Another girl is drugged to the state of being incoherent, something with her spinal fluid....could it be....? And Mama Cath is slipping away. She can no longer drink through a straw, and hasn't had solid food in quite some time. She only takes water through a syringe that her loving husband feeds to her. She is incoherent and sleeps most of the time. Her three year old is watching his mother slip away.

And it is NOT OKAY. It's NOT OKAY! I yell to the universe, I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS! I DO NOT ACCEPT THIS!

So, I have a psychosomatic stomachache. I'm not sick, really. But I am deeply, truly, sick of this.

What is my fate? Will I, too, one day be laughing, and the next be dying?

Oh, such morbid questions. I'd love to reply with something like "I'm too stubborn to die right now" but it just doesn't work like that.

I hope to live to be old. But the injustices of the world sometimes make me hurt too much. It's too much.

How's that for depressing? Sorry, dear readers. Some days are like that.

Still, my friends are kind, my house is warm (hey! I adjsuted to 66 degrees!), my family large and loving. I am listening to Tessa and Anna delight in one another and their made up game of baby gymnastics daycare. The world is not ending, even when my heart is cracking open.

Monday again

Okay, my kiddo can't seem to catch a break.

Today was Zoe's Build-a-Bear rescheduled party, and though Tessa wasn't feeling great we went together. Tessa was very, very quiet, even though she was excited to be with her friends and to get a new toy. She asked me to carry her, though Jessie and Zoe were skipping and having fun. She fell asleep....at 11:30 in the morning....in the car on the way home, even though we were with friends.

I'm so tired of this. I feel awful that she feels so crummy!

So, we've canceled going to gymnastics class. We've canceled having Anna over for a playdate (which was also going to help Beth out). Tessa and I will stay home from the engagement party for Melissa and Ross at the Surface7's tonight. Arghhhhhh!

So, Tessa's watching Clifford and I'm doing chores.

We visited the pharmacist today to talk about side effects. I'm scheduling the appointment with the allergist. We're calling back the doctor. We still think it's allergies, and so we're checking it out fully.

Yuck.

Happy Easter

Happy Easter, everyone.

I got up early to make an Easter brunch dish - a cinnamon swirl (very much like cinnamon rolls, but in a log shape) using the bread machine to make the dough, and then had the luxury of enjoying my coffee in bed before Tessa awoke. Of course, the girl woke up with bright eyes and filled with thoughts of the Easter Bunny. Ryan and I moved our coffee to the living room, and watched Tessa hunt for eggs (and I've experimented with a small video of that subject here on the blog). You'll see from the pictures that Tessa runs hot like Daddy, and insisted on unbuttoning her PJs. Whatever. ;-)

This year, for the first time since Tessa was born, we did NOT host an Easter brunch. When I announced to PEPS that I just wasn't up for it this year, Linda graciously stepped up and handled the whole thing. Hooray for Linda! I showed up as a guest, grateful to see all the kids do the egg hunt, grateful that I wasn't hosting.

Pictures include Tessa and Anna in polka-dot dresses (no they didn't plan that but they loved the coincidence), Tessa and Ryan, a family shot, and a rare shot of myself (look at that hair growth - amazing what two years and three months of growth looks like). Tonight I'll try to get a cute Easter shot of Tessa with her hair combed, but today she put in her own ponytail and I didn't have the heart to undo her handiwork.

Now we're having down time - we're all tired, all fighting allergies or something. We forgot to give Tessa her meds before the egg hunt, and by 1pm she said, "My head hurts" and she burst into tears. Maybe it was too much sugar, but I actually really think that the Claritin (sp?) is working. We caught up her dosage, Daddy read her stories, and now she's watching a pony movie. I'm not a big fan of TV/screen time, but I think that in this case it's what we all need - a little zoning out time. Tessa feels much better now - a good reminder to keep her on the allergy meds.

I'm getting ready for my parents to come to dinner. We are having honey ham, asparagus with hollandaise sauce, potatoes au gratin, and cobbler with ice cream (my new favorite/easy dessert). Oh, and of course, deviled eggs for an appetizer. I'll have to get pictures of Tessa's dyed eggs before we crack them all open.

I'm tired. Everything takes more energy than it should. It's surgery that does it, I think. With each surgery, my lead time is longer and harder where I obsess about it and fear it and dwell on negative thoughts. Is this inevitable? Perhaps. Knowing it's not even the last surgery, and that I'll come out of this with the hated expanders, makes it just that much worse.

But it's Easter, a time for joy and celebration, and I'm trying to focus on that. The tulips are blooming in the garden, the lilac is full of buds, and these signs of hope remind me that time passes. The days are longer, and that helps, too.

I hope by April 10 I will be feeling somewhat normal. Until then, if I can just hang on by my fingernails, that's all I ask for.

Anti-anxiety vs Anti-depressant drugs

I've had a couple of friends ask me the same questions now, so I'm going to clarify.

I take an anti-depressant (Lexapro) every single day, at the same time, and I have since my meltdown in October. Anti-depressants work over time as regulators for mood, and you can't take them as-needed. I take mine daily, without fail.

My new prescription is for an anti-anxiety drug (Klonopin). This is for when I feel absolutely panicky and overwhelmed and unable to cope, and is used as needed....like when I have to schedule surgery and I'm freaking out. This is the drug I only take on occassion, and sparingly.

I point out the difference because more than one friend has been concerned that I'm taking anti-depressants "as needed" and I want to assure my readers that I know better, and that I'm sorry I miscommunicated that in some way.

I long for the days when I didn't take any drugs, avoiding even ibuprofen. Those days are gone.

Not alone

Today I got an email from someone I know who was diagnosed around the same time I was, and who has been an inspiration to me in her tireless work to help find a cure for breast cancer and her amazing attitude.

She wrote that she has needed anti-depressants, that she is struggling, that she has to avoid the volunteer work because of all of the cancer feelings it brings up.

Wow. I thought I was the only one struggling like this. I do NOT wish this on my friend (she's lovely) but I had held her up as something to aspire toward, and considered myself a failure next to her, and yet she, too, is human and frail. There is a lesson in that somewhere.

I'm struggling. I don't know how else to put it. I'm fine. I'm not on the edge of a precipice. I'm just struggling, and so tired from the struggle. I don't feel settled or happy. Everything takes so much effort. I'm eating unhealthy food, not working out, not finding joy. I'm horribly unmotivated. The garden sits waiting for me. Thank you cards go unwritten. Laundry piles up. Phone calls are not returned. Yes, I do other things...but I'm struggling and I'm tired.

Doctor anxiety

I have major doctor anxiety at this point. Too many worst case scenerios have played themselves out in my life or in my head. It took anti-anxiety meds to get me to the doorway or the plastic surgeon today.

He is kind; he understands. He is being gentle with me.

I can't "snap out of it." I can't seem to get it together. I'm taking the day off tomorrow - I'm going to walk the dog, garden, hang out and do nothing. I need ot get my head in order.

A week and a half 'til surgery, whether I'm ready or not. And I'm not.

Tessa Update

The newest culprit is allergies. We have a referral to an allergist, and Tessa's taking OTC Claritin (children's variety, of course). She also has antibiotics because it's moved into her ears, causing her discomfort and (reversable) hearing loss.

Tessa slept well last night, and is in good spirits this morning. She slept in so we're keeping her out of preschool, but we have a playdate scheduled with Anna this afternoon.

This morning I have a pre-op appointment with the new PS to get ready for surgery. There are other things I wish I was doing but I'll be okay....I hope!

Off to the doc

Tessa is much better today, and didn't cough ALL night, only part of it...but we're still going to the doctor. I'm worried about how deep in her chest this cold has moved, and I want to rule out the idea of it being something more than a cold. I suspect that she is on the mend, but I want the doctor to confirm that.

I am so pleased with my painting project from yesterday. That stairwell has been an eyesore since before we moved in, and it's amazing what a little paint can do. There's still a board that needs replacing (hard to explain, but on the ceiling) and I hope to get that done this weekend - it's not a tough project, just needs DOING!

I have two other projects that I think I will do soon:
1. Paint the downstairs bathroom. It's "fresh" paint from the previous owners, but it's a hideous shade of peach. Not my style at all, and ready for a change. I painted one wall the same blue as our upstairs, but due to different lighting it looks gray, which is not great for a dark, small room, so I'm going to go with a pale yellow, I think.
2. Touch up all the white trim and the doors. I really like the crisp white of our trim, offset against the colors of the walls, but it's getting a little tired looking. The bathroom door, in particular, could use a nice coat of fresh paint, and I'd like to update the hardware hooks that hold our bathrobes (somebody painted over them in the past, and I'd like shiny silver ones).

Each of these projects is relatively small, and inexpensive (we already have the paint and supplies). If I dedicated a day to each one, the results would be significant.

Of course, though, there's the garden, and I need to do more work on it first.

Ryan's next big project is replacing the fence between our house and Steven & Sarah's house. Steven and Ryan are going to do it together, and (as all good neighbors should) split the costs. My personal request is that we put up a tall pole for a clothesline that I can access from our deck; we'll see how that goes and how much difficulty it adds. We had planned on doing our front porch first, but though the fence looks okay from our side on Steven & Sarah's it's obvious that it's about to fall over...sigh.

Let's hope we get a good tax refund!

I'll update if there's any real news about Tessa's doctor's appointment - but I do assume that it's "just a bad cold."

Phew

I'm glad today is over.

Tessa threw up repeatedly from the force of her cough. I hate throw up under general principles, but my heart ached for her on top of my general disgust. (Poor kid!) She's doing okay tonight but it was a rough day.

And, to prove that I'm certifiably crazy, I did a painting project half the day. The hallway between upstairs/downstairs (the stairwell, really) was dingy and gross and impossible to clean - I'll bet it hadn't been painted in 20 years, and it was the last part of our house to be painted since we moved in (except the downstairs bathroom, which has newish but gross paint). Anyway, after my satisfaction from the light fixture project, I thought "okay this has been bugging me for years - let's just take care of it!" so I did. We had paint leftover from painting the kitchen, and since that hallway is visible from the kitchen I thought it made sense to continue with it. (It's also a satin finish, great for wiping handprints...important due to its location.) We also had trimwork paint left over, and so I did that, too (though the trim had been painted monochromatic before).

And then I touched up Tessa's bathroom stepstool, too.

I'm exhausted. It was a hard day, physically, and my mental state of being is still questionable. (Ha!)

Still, I'm glad I did it. It's an improvement to our home, and it was free. It's good to see tangible results.

And now I'm going to bed. I'm wiped.

Quiet day

Today Tessa and I have snuggled; I've drunk coffee (thanks, Ryan) and she's drunk tea with honey to calm her cough. I currently have three ponytails and about 20 barrettes in my hair, thanks to a session of playing hair-dresser together. We've read stories. I've done some tidying, and I'm considering a couple of projects for the afternoon...but we're still in our PJs at noon.

Tessa's still coughing, and I'm hoping that the quiet gets her over the hump.

As for me, I'm trying a day with no expectations for myself. It's actually sort of a treat that the phone doesn't work - usually it rings all day, and today I am appreciative of the quiet. (Don't worry, friends, I do love talking ot you - just today I need quiet.)

And on another note -
There are two homes on my street for sale! Hans and Holly's house went on the market this weekend, and they have done tons of work on it - it's gorgeous, with every detail taken care of, including a wonderful yard, finished basement (YES I have basement envy), remodeled kitchen, and all the rest. And it looks like Mira & David's house has been listed, as well - I haven't been in past their living room, but it's got charm, too. Won't you be my neighbor?! If you're thinking of moving, I can promise you that this is a great neighborhood.

Okay, Tessa just threw up (thankfully in the toilet)....and there goes the day.....arghhhhhhhhhh.

"Frugality is in"

..."Extravagence is out." It says so here!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080318/us_nm/usa_housing_consumers_dc

Read on...

Up and down

I had a tea party with Tessa. (up)

I had a cry fest with my therapist (I hate cancer yada yada yada). (down)

I got a lot of laundry done and changed all the sheets. (up)

To do that laundry took an extraordinary amount of will. (down)

I smiled and laughed with Tessa. (up)

I didn't feel happy, I was faking it. (down)

I still love the new light fixture. (up)

I'm dissatisfied in general. (down)

I didn't have energy to make dinner. (down)

But I made - heated, really - some Trader Joe's stuff and cut up some fruit and my family liked it anyway. (They were probably thinking "hurrah no vegetables for once!") (up)

When I'm being all grateful, I can find an up for every down.

But I'm not "okay." I am grouchy and out of sorts and really not processing this upcoming surgery very well. I don't want to do it! And I hate cancer. And I'm sick of it ruling my life. And I'm tired of giving 12 billion percent of myself and feeling like it's not enough. And now I'm not giving much of myself at all, and I'm capable of more, and I feel guilty for that, too.

Apparently I have boundary and balance issues. Well, duh. ;-) But what do I DO about it?

Rhetorical questions. No easy answers. I'm trying.

(And in the meantime I'm gaining weight. Because I'm eating like a fool. Nooooooo! I need to get that figured out asap because gaining weight is NOT contributing to my happiness.)

Phone not working

We recently signed up for Vonage phone service, and it appears that it's switched over...but it's not working. Our home number does not currently ring and goes into a voicemail that we don't have access to. We're fine, so don't panic! You can still reach us on cell numbers.

Yes, we'll get this fixed asap as soon as we can figure out what's up.

Moving forward

I didn't take anti-anxiety drugs yesterday, and I didn't fall apart. There's progress.

Today Tessa is not healthy but not sick either. She's feeling MUCH better than in the past few days, and for this I'm grateful. She's going to stay home from preschool, but I'm hopeful that she'll get better by next preschool (Thursday).

I have my therapist appointment today. For those of you who have never undergone therapy, let me tell you, it's not what I'd deem fun. It's really, really hard work. I need to face my demons, calling them up one by one, in order to fight them and overcome them. I need to face my failings and figure out how to deal with them. I need to acknowledge those things that I have no desire to face (prefering to sweep them under the carpet, as it were). It's not fun. Sometimes I cry.

But I know it's worthwhile. I know that this hard work will lead me to a better place. My therapist is wonderful - I think her wise beyond her years. She doesn't give me advice, she just asks questions. But her questions are often brilliant, getting to the heart of the matter. She somehow knows how to acknowledge and validate my feelings without judging me, and still lead me on a path to something better. (I need to change, this much is clear: without change, I'd be stuck where I am, which is unacceptable.)

So, later today while Jenny (who also has a sick kid) watches Tessa, I will go work on these things. I'd rather be at the spa.

$12 worth of massive satisfaction

(First...I don't know why I can't orient these properly. On my computer, they orient correctly, but when I upload, they reorient themselves. My advice? Tip your head. Yes, I'm very technical, I know.)

Okay, here's the deal.

I love our house. It is truly home. I love the covered front porch, the hardwood floors, the woodwork, the front door, the yard, the light, the colors...lots of things.

But there are some other things, too. One of those things has been the light fixture in our upstairs bathroom. When I saw it the first time, I said, "Well, if we buy this place, that THING is lasting about 30 seconds before we replace it!" Ha. Six and a half years later, I hated it no less.

(For those of you who haven't seen it, or who forgot what it looks like, allow me to refresh your memory. One of those oak boards from the 70s or 80s that has three fat, round lightbulbs sticking out of brass "holders" resembling cut up tubes of toilet paper. Only ours was worse, because somebody along the way got the brilliant idea to paint it. They used some king of primer, got primer halfway up the brass in a haphazard way, and then obviously tired of the project, and left it like that. UGLY doesn't even come close to describing it. Hideous is a slightly better word, but still fails to capture my feelings about it. I posted a picture of it here, but it doesn't do any justice at all to the hideousness of the old fixture.)

But it is no more - HURRAHHHHHHHH!

At the rummage sale Tessa and I attended last week, we were on the way out the door, and there was The Perfect Light Fixture. It was labeled "$12 - works" and I scooped it up. It was missing mounting hardware (which lead to not one, but two, trips to the hardware store) but at last, it's up and it does, indeed, work. I posted two pictures of it. To you, it may look like standard issue. To me, it looks like the character of our house, the same finish as the other stuff in the bathroom, the same alabaster finish on the shades as on the rest of the house, and a style that's appealing to me.

It's the little things in life.

If $12 can buy this much satisfaction, well, the possibilities are endless. I'm even more smug that I supported a local organization, kept something out of a landfill, reduced packaging, and kept out of the cycle of production that has so many chemical by-products by buying something already in use. The fact that it was so cheap only makes me more smug than all that could hope to.

(Now you may be asking why we haven't replaced the light before, since it was such a source of dissatisfaction. To you, I can only say, "You must not live in an old house." There are lots of "odd" little things in our house that I'd like to change, and time and money and energy being what they are, some have waited a long time.)

I'm going to have a bubble bath tonight, and instead of staring up at that hideous old thing, I'll see the shiny new one. Ironically, I prefer to have my bubble baths by candle-light, but that's not the point - the fixture is right in my line of vision when I bathe.

(PS All of this is a very good distraction from my other, less pleasant thoughts. I have a therapist appointment tomorrow and discussing my surgery is my number one issue. It takes more than a bubble bath to get me down from that problem.)

Watch me on TV today

KOMO 4 is doing a live interview with me for their 4pm newscast today. I'm told my interview will be at about 4:20pm. I've been asked to wear my Breast Cancer 3-Day survivor shirt - not the wardrobe I'd pick, necessarily, but I'll go with it!

I was asked to send in photos of my breast cancer journey, and photos of the 3-Day, so I think they'll be showing a little montage of that.

http://www.komotv.com/

The website has a "watch live" feature, so if you're out of their broadcast range, you can tune in if you're so inclined.

Wish me luck with this. My face is breaking out and I've put on 10 pounds and I'm not feeling comfortable in my own skin - but I'm going to try to wow them. :-)

Monday

"Tell me why I don't like Mondays..."

Tessa is still sleeping. It is 11am. She is sick. I will call the doctor when she wakes up.

She says the back of her neck hurts, as well as the back of her knee. I'm imagining the worst possible scenerios. I feel frozen with fear when I think of her being "really" sick and can't even write what I think that might be.

It's probably nothing. Just one of those kid things. Right?

We're supposed to be at Zoe's birthday in a half hour. Zoe is at the doctor with her brother right now, who is also sick.

I got a lovely call from Carolyn this morning. I love you, Carolyn....

Tonight is my KOMO interview. I hope I'm up to this - put on my inspirational face....

accomplishments

Today's accomplishments:

Zero.

I haven't gardened. Cleaned. Done laundry. Done fun stuff. Read. I'm not really SURE what I've done, besides look at free stuff on Craigslist and Freecycle.

I guess it's okay? It is what it is, anyway.

Another Day

Today is another day. My problems aren't gone. My mood is not excellent. But I'm in a better place than I was yesterday, adn that is something.

We ordered take-out last night at my insistance, and I ate unhealthy food in unhealthy quantities. It broke the frugal budget and my desire to lose 10 pounds (sigh), but it is what it is. A little comfort when I wanted it.

Today I read this:
http://blogs.moneycentral.msn.com/smartspending/archive/2008/03/14/my-mom-the-frugal-role-model.aspx
...and thought others might appreciate it, too. Good reminders.

Tessa is sick. She aches, feels awful. I slept with her last night and this did not make me feel better, although I'm glad I was there to comfort her. I'm not sick, but I feel achy and awful, too.

I'm going outside now to garden. Maybe that will help.

depression

This is getting really old. My thoughts sink, my heart aches, it's all I can do to get out of bed.

I took the anti-anxiety drug today. I'm trying so hard, but to little avail.

(sigh)

WSUU Upcoming Services

When I was updating my links of interest, I decided to check out the WSUU page myself. I found a list of upcoming services, and I have to say that each of them looks particularly interesting to me. I won't be attending on Easter Sunday because we're attending an Easter Brunch with the PEPS gang (and there's a certain spirituality to such events, as well - full of joy and laughter), but I'll listen to it on podcast because the services are now available online (wahoo).

-----------------
March 16th “Hope is a State of Mind” Rev. Nan Geer
Unitarian Universalism is about keeping the faith in spite of and because of the evidence. Rev. Nan Geer is a Unitarian Universalist Minister serving her 17th year as minister of Free Church Unitarian in Blaine. In 1991 and 1992 she served part-time as a Student Minister at The West Seattle Unitarian Fellowship while also serving part-time in Blaine and also in Wenatchee. Nan and her husband (who does all the cooking!) now live in Blaine.


March 23rd “Ingredients of Joy” Rev. Peg Morgan
On this Easter Sunday we will speak about joy, how we get it and what joy might teach us about life.


March 30th “Building Communities of Compassion” Trudy James, Chaplain
What are communities of compassion? Why are they so necessary in our lives? What do they look like and what are their characteristics? How are such a communities created and sustained? And what implications might we draw for our congregation --one that places a high value on its sense of community?Trudy James, MRE, is a hospital chaplain, and AIDS CareTeam Specialist for Multifaith Works in Seattle. Trudy has developed and worked with CareTeams for people and families living with AIDS for 19 years. She is known nationally for her tireless work in building communities of compassion.


April 6th “Addiction, Hope and Spirituality” Denis Meacham, Associate Minister, First Parish, Brewster MA
In 1988 Denis Meacham’s life was a study in contradictions. He was a successful man of business, founder of his own publishing company. He was a college professor with degrees from Princeton and Harvard. And he was an alcoholic, struggling with a compulsion to drink around the clock. He ended up, with his wife’s help, in a detox center, and his life has never been the same. Ordained in 2002, the Rev. Dr. Denis Meacham is on a quest to equip Unitarian Universalists with the spiritual tools to overcome addictions themselves.


April 13th “Fire of Commitment” Rev. Peg Morgan
Today we will consider what it means to be committed...how much does commitment require and change us?


April 20th “The Earth Is Our Mother” Rev. Connie Yost
In honor of Earth Day on April 22nd, we will celebrate and renew our connections with our mother earth.Rev. Connie Yost is an ordained UU community minister, and founder of Earth Works Community Farm in Los Angeles, a job works community. Connie now divides her time between Hospice and Social Justice ministries in Salem.


April 27th “Stages of Faith and Congregations” Rev. Peg Morgan
Today we will look at the James Fowler "stages of faith" both personally and also in regards to how they apply to the life of a particular congregation...ours. Which stage are we in?

May 4th Rev. Peg Morgan

May 11th “Staying at the Table: The Sustenance of Right Relation” Rev. Karen Taliesin
How can we speak our truth while honoring those with whom we deeply disagree? Allowing the grace of understanding, empathy, and change to manifest itself in ongoing ways in all our relationships is perhaps our most difficult task — yet the one that may offer the very sustenance we need to survive.Rev. Karen Taliesin is a full time Chaplain at Children's Hospital, and a Unitarian Universalist minister associated with East Shore Unitarian in Bellevue. She is a graduate of the School of Theology and Ministry at Seattle University.

Blog changes

Small changes to the blog.

I found out that the reason that it said that I was from Afghanistan is that I had not selected a country, and it defaulted to the first one in the list. Umm, okay. I fixed that.

I finally fixed the typo under my picture.

I have begun adding labels to my posts, and I've gone back 100 posts to create new labels. In this way, if you want to trace only posts on one topic you can pull up those posts from the list on the left.

I've also updated my list of favorite websites.

A time waster? Maybe, but I've been meaning to do it "forever" and this is a good start. Apparently I had 696 posts on my blog and so I've got 596 left to go and label! I'll do it in little pieces, when I feel like it, but today I got a good start.

Perhaps most importantly, I've updated my greeting. It's NOT all about breast cancer, it's about my life. The greeting reflects that a bit better now.

Bad Juju

What the heck is going on at our house? Really, I feel way past my limits.

I have felt lousy for a couple of weeks. My throat is still sore, I'm still phlegmy, etc.

Tessa has had a cough for two weeks. Yesterday she had a great time at preschool and her teachers said she was doing fine, but in the evening she fell asleep while Zoe was over and didn't even want dessert - home made cobbler with Husky Deli vanilla ice cream. (This is NOT normal.) Last night she woke up in the middle of the night and said, "My head hurts" and "my bones ache" for several hours.

This was not the rest I required after my miserable day yesterday. Ryan and I took shifts, but it was a loooooong night.

This morning, we've canceled our plans (my parents were going to care for Tessa tonight while Ryan and I went to a discussion/dinner at 'Chele & Dave's; the whole family was going to go to Caleb's egg hunt) and we're settling in for a quiet day. Ryan prepared 'a nest' for Tessa on the courch downstairs, and carried her downstairs to rest in front of the TV, propped up with pillows and blankets and coziness. But Ryan missed the bottom step (or two), and landed on his bad ankle, and found himself lying on the floor in agony. (Tessa was fine, he didn't drop her.) He's icing his ankle now and took two ibuprofen.

What the ****? ENOUGH! C'mon! What's next, locusts and floods? I'm TIRED! I need a break!!!!!!! I have enough on my plate. Enough, I tell you! This is getting ridiculous!

Vent over. Thanks for listening.

I read the affirmation from Daily Word today, and it was lovely. We had a family snuggle in bed this morning. Ryan brought me coffee in bed (before his ankle incident). Tessa is content to watch old Clifford episodes and snuggle her stuffed animals on the couch. I know it could be worse. I know, I know, I know. Lots to be grateful for.

But still.....

February and March Pictures

Signs of spring! We have beautiful crocuses in our garden, and the tulips and daffodils are starting to make themselves seen, as well. The primroses are happy in little pots, and they add a cheerfulness that I truly enjoy. The picture of a patch of dirt is an early picture of our garden - there's been progress since that picture was taken, but I haven't taken more pictures yet. First, it was a patch of weedy lawn; then, the whole thing was dug up, composted, and fertilized; then, Ryan took out the grass/weeds from under the bushes (to me they look like mini-cypress trees...no idea what they really are as they came with the house) and mulched it. This weekend, we hope to actually get some seeds in the ground, mulch between rows, and bury the soaker hose alongside.....

Tessa and Buttercup. Buttercup was a lovely visitor for two days, but then she was a lovely but smelly visitor. When Teacher Shelley asked, "Would you like to have her for spring break later this month?" I was emphatic with my "No, thank you." Shhhh don't tell Tessa!

Pictures from the recent visit with Grandma & Bopa, and a belated celebration of Bopa's 77th birthday...

Pictures from G.G's 85th birthday. I was very happy with the way my gift (her cake and cupcakes) turned out, decorated with fresh flowers. Kelton joined us, and he was a lovely companion, and he and Tessa charmed all the residents of Brittany Park with their excellent manners (and the fact that they're both adorable, of course!).

Surgery #9 - April 2

My next surgery is scheduled for about two and a half weeks from now, April 2.

My oncologist called in a prescription for anti-anxiety meds for me. I have an appointment scheduled with my therapist for next week.

Yikes.

surgery schedule

I think I'm going to try to reschedule to April. I just went to write it on the calendar, and realized that I'd miss Caley's graduation (a couple days after my surgery, in Spokane) if I kept the scheduled date, and I don't want to do that.

When I spoke to the scheduler initially, she said that there were some openings in April. I'm going to try to take one.

I need anti-anxiety meds. Ugh. I feel myself spiraling downward with all this.

Off to get Tessa from preschool. She will keep me sane, in an insane kind of way. Motherhood is always my first priority.

Is 10 my lucky number?

I'll never be a perfect 10 (ha). But 10 might be my lucky number.

I'm just back from the new plastic surgeon's office. Dr. Isac at the PolyClinic was very professional, highly recommended, and spoke kindly and rationally to me.

Surgery number 9 is scheduled for May 14. He will be removing my implants, disconnecting a muscle, tweaking, and placing a different kind of tissue expander on both sides.

Surgery number 10 is scheduled for October some time (date TBD), to remove the tissue expanders and place "permanent" implants.

It makes me feel like throwing up - literally - to be planning TWO more surgeries. Just when I think I've made progress, just when I think I can handle one more surgery, I'm being asked to have TWO.

Lately, it seems like whatever I'm willing and able to give, I'm asked to give double. This is sometimes more than I think that I can bear. But of course I can bear it, because I must. I don't see myself as having a lot of choice in the matter.

Now, I can hear the counter argument, "Of course you have a choice! These surgeries are elective! Stop while you're ahead! In clothes it's not noticable! It's not like you're a swimsuit model!"

I know. I know, I know, I know. But here's the thing. From the very beginning, I told Tessa, "It's okay, honey. One day the doctors will build me a new nipple." I have clung to that idea, and so has she. I have built it up to be a symbol of my healing. No nipples? Not done. It's simplistic, maybe even childish, but while I see my chest as deformed as it is, I see myself as a cancer patient. I feel like I need to do this to get it behind me.

Cancerland

Tomorrow I'm walking back into Cancerland by choice.

I am meeting with a new plastic surgeon to discuss my options for corrections. By my own standards, my current reconstruction status is a mess, and I hate it.

There. I hate it. I said it. When I look at it, I'm reminded of the events of last October, and the emotional fallout of that experience.

So tomorrow I'm going to consult with another PS to discuss what is and is not correctable. If corrections are possible, I would like to proceed in the spring to get it over with.

I have a lump on my eyelid along the incision and it itches like mad (and has since surgery in October). My right, prophylactic side, has scars that I can't explain and they're jagged and rough. My areola on that side looks like a wound, and it's in pieces. The nipple is non-existant. There's a weird divet in the middle of it all, and some pitting in the skin.

My left side aerola looks more normal/as I expected, but the nipple area is actually lower than the rest of the breast. There's a weird puffiness on one side of the breast. And worst of all, that breast is shaped like half of a canteloupe, and it's significantly bigger than the other breast. (Do NOT chime in here that all women's breasts have some assymetry. I know that. I am not talking about norms here, I'm talking about something beyond that.)

Because I told myself that getting this work done would be a symbol of my ability to move on....I feel like I'm bogged down by the symbol. When I see my breasts, I hate them. I don't want to hate my own body. I don't want to see betrayal, torture, pain, ugliness when I look at my chest. I don't expect beauty, but I don't want to feel so....deformed. Artificial.

I don't know if it's correctable. I don't know what the PS will say. But I'm going to try this again.

And it makes my stomach hurt. It makes me want to cry. I hate surgery. This will be number 9 in three years....averaging once every four months for 3 years. I assume it's "minor" surgery.

But I hate it.

Please pray that I don't have a total meltdown as a result of this experience. I brought out my massive medical binder to show my reports, implant sizes, etc. to the new surgeon, and just the sight of that hot pink blender has my stomach in knots. There are a lot of awful memories in that binder.

I just want to put this - all of it - behind me. And I have work to do before I can do that.

Granny's beans

I made them again. Remembered everything....and this time, it worked.

Delicious. Tessa and I love them, and I can't wait for dinner time.

Struggling today for Mama Cathy. I re-read the post updating about her. It says "days, maybe weeks." Days? No! No no no no no no noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

I will never understand this damned disease. It's no wonder I can't get my feet under me half the time, knowing how it lurks, waiting to trip women.

I also sent in my photos (myself during treatment, the 3-Day) for the KOMO4 interview on Monday. Looking at them reminded me of some really, really tough times.

Heartbreak

This morning I logged on to the cancer boards at YSC, and was hit twice.

"Mama Cathy" (so named because of her mothering of "us girls" and her nurturing spirit) is moving to hospice. The doctors believe that her time is not long, maybe weeks.

I'm not able to articulate clearly how sad this makes me feel. Cathy was diagnosed early stage, then diagnosed with mets, and now this.

And another woman, who has posted great drama in her personal life and jokingly calls herself the Lindsay Lohan of the YSC but has a heart of gold and reaches out to every newbie and gives hope and encouragement to many, is awaiting to hear if her elevated liver enzymes etc. are mets. She's experiencing full post traumatic stress disorder and isn't even able to post on the boards right now, but we girls are freaking out on her behalf because if there was good news we think she'd be posting. So much speculation, so much fear.

In my garden, the irises are starting to grow. Melinda, who died last year, loved irises, and everyone who was touched by her planted irises in her memory.

These are some of my favorite cancer girls. Please pray for them. And please pray that I will find peace somewhere in all this, remembering that they are not me, and that their fate may not be my own.

Watch Me Model

I have been asked to be a survivor model for the NW Hope and Healing Fashion Show, "Style '08." This is your invitation to come and watch me possibly trip down the catwalk, modeling boutique fashions from Seattle area boutiques, including my favorite, Carmilia's. It's for a great cause, and you can learn more at http://www.nwhopeandhealing.org/ , and you can buy tickets at that website, as well.

Simple Supper

Okay, so I don't feel like cooking, but I had some chicken (boneless, skinless thighs from Costco, puchased in bulk and then seperated into plastic sacks, some of which I froze for later use) and a bunch of veggies that needed using. I don't feel creative today and we have some chores to do and I promised Tessa a good snuggle/reading session, so here's what I've made for tonight's dinner (simmering on the stove now):

Chicken Vegetable Soup
------------------------
1 container organic chicken broth
cut up chicken (bite sized pieces)
misc. vegetables -
-kale
-chard
-onion
-carrots
garlic
salt
pepper
dried thyme (I'd use fresh when it was growing in season in my garden!)
water
splash of white wine (optional)

Chop up all ingredients, throw in one big pot, season. Bring to a boil, then lower and simmer. About 10 minutes before serving, add a small pasta of your choice. Serve with salad, home made bread.

DONE. This meal took less than 10 minutes. I'll simmer it for a while, then stick it in the fridge, reheating it for dinner. Ryan will take some to work for lunch tomorrow, and we'll have it then, too. I could have skipped the pre-made broth, but since I had it, I used it for the extra flavor.

It's not a funky meal. It's not ethnic. But it's good, basic comfort food. If I'd had celery in stock I would have added that, and parsnips would be good too, but since I didn't have them, I didn't go out to buy them (unnecessary). But this reminds me - I had a yam that needed to be used. Gotta go - I'll cut that up and add it too.

If I'm lazy I'll skip the salad. We're getting plenty of veggies - even greens - in this one pot meal.

Edited to add: I realized that I had a yam and a sweet potato, so I chopped those and added them in as well. I think Ryan is less enthusiastic about the greens (kale and chard) but Tessa and I liked the whole thing.

As part of not wasting, I'm using up some other fridge ingredients today, too. I had some pre-shredded cheese from another recipe, and I had some herbs that Heather shared with me when she left for Hawaii, and these were both needing to be used (or they'd go to waste soon). My solution? Cheesy herb bread. I've really focused on making healthful, high fiber, whole grain breads, but this loaf has some butter, two kinds of cheese (the other is parmigiano reggiano), and 3 of the 4 cups of flour are white flour. If I'm still awake when it's finished, I'm not sure I'll be able to restrain myself from having a hot slice! I do have a weakness for cheese, and the fresh herbs smelled so good when I added them.

Frugal & Environmental Living

I am finding some success with my frugal living and environmental goals, and I'm very proud of myself. I've been at it for about a month, and I can not believe how little I have purchased in a month, or how much we've cut the grocery bills. It's harder to see the impact on the earth, but our trash is approximately HALF of what it used to be, so that's something tangible, at least, and I'm proud of it.

Some small examples of my success:
- Got free canisters on Freecycle to hold my flour, flax, etc. instead of buying some (http://www.freecycle.org/ - check it out!)
- I visited Target yesterday with Tessa to buy one thing, for which they were out of stock, and I left Target without buying a thing!
- We are using up what is in our refrigerator, and not throwing it away
- I am re-using the plastic sacks that I get veggies in at the grocery store, keeping them out of a landfill
- I am buying a LOT more local stuff than before
- I am planning meals around vegetarian options and around what's on sale, more than starting with a "what do I feel like" list and going from there
- We're having pizza night at our house once a week so that my family (Ryan & Tessa are pizza lovers) gets what they like without feeling deprived, and the costs are very low when I make it myself from scratch (with yeast! amazing!)
- I am consolidating errands to drive the car as little as possible, and walking to pick up Tessa from preschool (which Shep appreciates)
- Sharing seeds with the neighbors so that we get great variety in our veggie garden without having to buy zillions of packages (which have more seeds per package than we could ever use)
- While Tessa was out, Michele came over for tea at my house (served with china cups just for fun) instead of my going out for coffee and being tempted by sweets and spending money on the coffee
- All catalogs go instantly to recycling, and with them my unknown desires for stuff I've never heard of that I "must have"
- Going to Metropolitan Market and getting their free item without buying anything else (except what's on sale or already a very good deal)
- Walking two blocks to my doctor's appointment because then I can park on the street for free instead of paying $6 in the parking garage
- This week for fun we attended a church potluck and we're going to a free jazz concert - we're getting out and having a blast without spending money (and we'll take the bus to skip the hassle and expense of downtown parking for the concert)
- making home made waffles instead of buying pre-packaged ones
- still making all our own bread (and making it for others' as well)
- using reusable bags for ALL shopping, not just groceries
- lowered the temp of our hot water heater (safer for kids now, too)
- still have the house at 66 degrees (down from 70 five years ago, 68 last year)
- using up all of the stuff in the downstairs freezer so that we can unplug it, hopefully next week
- switching almost 100% to cloth napkins (which I already owned) instead of paper ones
- got rid of all of my "toxic" cleaners (on Freecycle) and now using exclusively environmentally friendly ones
- using old yogurt containers for vegetable starts instead of buying specialty containers
- Ryan dug up the whole vegetable garden by hand instead of a mechanized rototiller

I spent $20 on consignment stuff this week - I got an Easter flag (new in the package, usually $12.95 and I paid $4 and it makes Tessa dance with happiness) and some 75% off china teacups from their antique sale for my tea parties with girlfriends and Tessa, as well as a hand mixer (the kind where you turn a handle), two aprons, and a wooden rolling pin that looks like it was somebody's grandma's, and that Tessa and I will use for making cookies. No new stuff produced, no packaging at all. It's not "buy nothing" but it's pretty darn close.

Individually, these things don't mean much. Collectively, they ARE making a difference. We see it in our bottom line, and more than that, I feel it in my thinking. I worry that it's not quite yet a full habit, and I still struggle with bits and pieces, but I do feel good about the progress I've made, and continue to make.

It's important to me to list these succcesses. Too often I see all the things that I'm doing wrong, failing at. I could list that here, too, but I won't. I will just point out that I'm learning, and growing, and trying, and that I'm at least glad for that.

A huge sigh of relief

On Friday, when I picked up Tessa from preschool, I spied on her as she was playing at recess (I was there early). She was running around, interacting with kids, playing a game with two other girls, and laughing. No shy wallflower, she was utterly engaged. Her teachers (both of them) came to me and said, "Boy, Tessa sure changed! She was really out there today, playing and engaged," and I smiled and agreed.

It seems that Mama's coaching on how to interact might have made a little difference, with huge payoffs.

And today,we were validated again. Tessa was at "spirit play" (something akin to Sunday School) at WSUU, and the children were doing the stone soup story, and in charge of putting together the vegetable soup for the congregation to have at the social hour. At the end of the children's church, when it was time to pick Tessa up, Teacher Donna said, "Boy, Tessa really came out of her shell today!" and told me a similar story to what I'd heard on Friday.

This is music to my ears. It's not that I don't know my own child (gasp - that feeling felt AWFUL), or that she's incapable of interactions, it's that we just hadn't taught her the basics, since she's usually surrounded by children she knows well and doesn't have to try so hard.

I am blessed to have a child so willing to learn, and to take a little direction from her parents.

Tomorrow, we have a playdate with Kate from preschool, and this is part of our plan to help Tessa feel more comfortable at preschool.

Buttercup is doing well, by the way, but at this point when I walk into Tessa's room there is a distinctive odor. I keep scooping unmentionable things out of Buttercup's cage, but it's distinctly less fresh than it was when we got her on Friday. I may break down tomorrow to buy some new bedding because yechhhhhhhhh. I think I'm remembering why I vowed not to have any pet rodents, no matter how cute they are. And I think I'd like to have Buttercup overnight, more than I would like to have her for the weekend, if we do this again. It's not her fault - she lives in a cage, what else can she do? - but rodent poop is gross, and the fact that it's in my daughter's room is even more gross. She returns on Tuesday, adn although she has grown on me, it will definitely be time to say good-bye.

Saturday updates

Let's see...

First, I'm supposed to be at girls' night out at Lori's right now, singing along to one of the greatest movies of all time, The Sound of Music. Instead, my raspy voice and I are at home, and I am about to go to bed. Singing? Not likely today. And we were to be sharing fondue....so I think that after my first dip in the fondue pot, my friends would have said "see you!" and ordered out for pizza. I couldn't do that to them. Plus, I didn't want to infect them by being in a small space for hours and breathing on them. Bah humbug. I am majorly bummed to miss out on the festivities.

In better news, I did get a pedicure today. I figure all those nasty nail polish fumes had to kill whatever I was breathing out, at least, and I got to sit and relax and get rubbed (ahhhh). My toes are a spring-like pink now. Best of all, I got to use a gift certificate from Christmas so it was free to me (thanks, Ryan).

We got a lot of work done on the yard today, mostly thanks to Ryan. The vegetable garden is all dug out - hurrah! Ryan did the extra work of removing the grass around the shrubs along the side of the yard, and mulching all around, and the entire piece of grass on that side has been dug up, turned over, fertilized, etc., according to the specifications in our gardening book. It looks great, and I can't wait to begin planting.

As for my part of the yardwork, I was working on weeding the bed that is closest to our house. I'm only about half way done - I can not believe how much time it takes to remove the roots from the grass that has planted itself there. With each section that I complete, I add a wheelbarrow of mulch, and stand back to admire, quite pleased with myself at the results. Maybe if I'm not sick this week I will do a much better job of doing an hour per day; last week, that petered out quickly. I really hope to get that part of the gardening done, as it's tedious and back breaking (all that crouching and bending) and it's murder on my fingernails, even through gloves. ;-)

I did plant one plant today, and it was a treat to do so. Mom & Dad S. brought with them part of a daisy plant from Grandma Tess's yard! Apparently it grew by her front door, and she gave them some divisions from it years ago. Now, it's big enough to divide again, so Mom & Dad brought us some. It's technically called a Michaelmas Daisy, and it's purple or pink; but at our house, it will always be a Grandma Tess daisy. Right now it's just a collection of sticks and roots, but we are assured that it's a hardy plant that will grow quickly and look great this summer. HURRAH! It's in the front bed, closest to the street. I dream of sitting on our porch, sipping something cool in the heat of summer, and seeing its blooms.

The next step is to begin planting seeds indoors. I've got tomato seeds that I want to do starts with, and we've been saving our yogurt containers to plant in. Time to get ready! And there are other seeds that can go directly into the ground, too. Sarah and Steven have been doing their vegetable garden at approximately the same times that we have been (although they're way ahead of us with their work; they started last year when they bought their house) and are helpful in advising us, and one good piece of advice is that if we don't want cats using our garden as a litter box we should add chicken wire over the garden. Chicken wire is now high on my list of things to get! YUCK is all I can say to kitty-lettuce. (That's not manure, that's gross.)

And Mom & Dad Surface are safely home. It was a lovely visit.

That's all from me. Good night, all.

Grandma, Bopa, Surface7, and Buttercup

Tessa has been beside herself for the past 24 hours. Grandma & Bopa were here when she got back from preschool, and Grandma brought her famous (in our family, anyway!) home made jam. Tessa posed for lots of pictures with the grandparents, and I'll post them when I download them.

Surface7 were able to come here for dinner, as well, and they laughed and said that their busy family of 7 hasn't had a meal with all 7 present since about Christmastime. (Of course, not all of their children are children any more - it looks like Melissa is on the road to marriage, even!) It was a true treat to have the 12 of us around our table. (Dad Dahl, LOVE the board that you made for our table expander, and Mom Dahl, thanks for the tablecloth! It gets drug out for every occassion like this, and I'm always grateful. It's a special thing to have a large, extended family, and a treat to be able to fit around a table. With 12, we were squashed, and it was the perfect kind of being squashed....loving, laughter-filled, happy. We used every piece of flatware that we own, and every dish, adn that was perfect, too.)

And then there's Buttercup.

I have vowed that we will not be adopting any rodents (ack!), but I have to confess that Buttercup is pretty darned cute. She has long hair, and she makes a cooing kind of purr when you pet her and she's happy. She's a vegetarian, and is gobbling up the broccoli, carrots, and celery stalks that we've given her so far (in addition to her guinea pig food).

And Tessa's love for Buttercup - well, she's beside herself. At dinner, she actually broke into a fit of happy laughter just THINKING about Buttercup. She is learning to be ever so gentle with her (and she's also learning that her fingers are the same size and shape as the carrots we've been feeding her, so be careful!).

Buttercup goes back to preschool on Tuesday. I'll bet that it's a tough transition for my daughter...and hence for me. But this weekend, she'll love her with all she's got.

Pictures to follow eventually....

S is for Sparkles

Today is letter S day at preschool. Tessa wore a hairband with sparkles, a shirt with silver sparkles, a skirt with sparkles, and (of course) her ruby red sparkle shoes. Oh, yes, and a sparkly necklace. She was thrilled with her choices, and I couldn't help but smile over her enthusiasm.

Today is also Tessa's show and tell at preschool, and she brought Special Bear. She put a bow on him to dress him up, and she couldn't wait.

And best of all....today we're bringing Buttercup the guinea pig home for the weekend. She will live (in her cage) in Tessa's room, and Tessa will be in charge of her care (supervised, of course).

And in case you think it can't get any better for a five year old....it does!

In a few hours, Grandma and Bopa will arrive from Portland for a visit. Tessa knows what she wants to show them, all the things she wants to share with them, etc. Grandma is getting a special picture (I haven't seen it yet but Tessa's going on about it.) And then tonight, the Surface7 are coming, including Tessa's beloved Sari (her closest-in-age Surface cousin).

I am looking forward to these things, too, but NOTHING tops the enthusiasm of a small child, and I delight in that.

Which is good, because I feel crappy. My sore throat is moving into my chest, and I'm grouchy about that. But one day at a time, one day at a time....

Tomorrow night is my girls' night at Lori's for singalong Sound of Music (yes, I'm a dork, and I love being a dork - anyone who hasn't sung along to SOM is missing out in life!). At this rate, I won't be doing much singing....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Okay, off to chores. A loaf of bread to make, Tessa's room to tidy, one more bathroom to clean. I wore gardening clothes today on the off chance that I could even fit in some more weeding before Tessa's pick up, but this may be overly optimistic....

And we're off.

Bedtime

Tonight i went back and forth about attending bookclub - should I or shouldn't I? I love going, but I feel so crummy.

Well, given that it is 7:39 and I can't stay up a minute more, I know the answer. Good night, all. Tomorrow is a new day. It will be better.

(But my bathrooms are clean, Ryan vacuumed, the laundry got put away, dusting got done - with Tessa's help - and the Costco errand got run, and all is well.)

Oh well

Tonight I cancelled attending bookclub. I feel lousy and I am really looking forward to hosting the Surfaces (12 of us) for dinner tomorrow night, so I'm going to go to bed early. Bummer.

Today I turned down our hot water tank a bit; it was uncomfortably hot coming out of the tap (bad with little kids) and an energy waster. This week I plan to get a hot water blanket, which apparently can save 3-10% of the energy used by the hot water heater. (Better get an earthquake strap while I'm at it, and install them at the same time.

I've "hidden" our paper napkins, and now we're using cloth almost exclusively. I had plenty already so I didn't need to buy them. They get reused, not tossed in the trash, and it's one less thing to buy. Environment=pocketbook in this case. (Not always the case, but often enough.)

Church this weekend plans to do "Stone Soup," the classic folk tale, for the children's story, and all members of the congregation are asked to bring in a vegetable to share. This fits perfectly with the values we're trying to teach Tessa, and I'm glad she will get to see how it works. I think she'll also get a kick out of the social hour, enjoying the soup with her friends. We've volunteered to bring some bread to share (just a couple of loaves) and help serve (Tessa's preschool "spirit play" class is in charge of the project, so those families are bringing extras and helping) so we feel particularly connected to the project. Every week, I feel more connected to the WSUU community and their values.

I have also taken on a writing project for WSUUs involvement in building a Habitat for Humanity house in West Seattle. I think that this is an excellent opportunity for family time and community and charity and all the rest, so it will be a family affair to work on the project. I envision Tessa and I cleaning up the construction site (she can pick up nails for recycling, for example); I envision Tessa running a free lemonade stand for the workers; I envision Ryan getting satisfaction from swinging a hammer; I envision writing well crafted essays on the project and publishing them on a blog (not this one) for the WSUU and UU and Habitat communities.

Whereas I'm not able to do much for Komen right now because the breast cancer thing is sometimes too large of a part of my life, Habitat should fulfill my need to participate in charity wihtout bogging me down. That's the hope, anyway.

I have managed to track every dollar (cent!) of our household spending since this project began. This is NOT my forte' so I'm proud of this accomplishment.

I'm planning a family yard sale. NOT the 3-Day massive yard sale, just a litlte family yard sale. In this way I think we'll bring in some extra cash, get rid of clutter. We all stand to benefit. We'll let Tessa do a lemonade stand for profit, and then help her to budget her profits (charity, savings, spending).

I've been asked by Snow & Genentech to go to Colorado in May. Hurrah! I like these trips, and the money will help our family.

Today I had planned to garden, garden, garden....I'd like my front beds to look nicer when Mom & Dad S. arrive. Alas, it's not to be. We still have a mountain of mulch in the back yard, but I can't spread it until I pull the weeds. It will happen. (I'm working on this as Ryan works on the digging of the vegetable garden. In theory, they'll finish up at the same time, adn then I'll switch from the "big" weeding project to just maintenance weeding adn then planting as well. At that point, we also need to aerate, thatch, fertilize, and re-seed our back yard, figuring out a way to do this without Shep un-doing our work. I really want to spend a lot of time in our back yard this summer, enjoying the fruits of our labor. Actually, in our front yard, too!)

Speaking of yards, I'll throw this out there in internet land: anybody have any of the following they'd like to get rid of? I'd be happy to take them off your hands:
- soaker hose(s)
- rain barrel(s)
- ceramic or concrete bird bath
- wooden, metal, or concrete (anything but plastic) garden bench(es)
- trellises (for putting up beans and raspberries)

It worked for the bread machine (thanks Mom & Dad) so maybe it will work for one or more of these items, too.....?

Speaking of the bread machine, I haven't bought a loaf of bread since I got the machine. And now I only want home made bread. ;-) Tessa says she likes store bought pizza and store bought bread better than home made......oh well. C'est la vie. She's five, she doesn't get to choose.

Ack

Last night my throat felt a little scratchy, and Ryan commented that my voice was a little scratchy, but I didn't make anything of it. Today I've lost my voice - arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Gimme a break!

I'm sure it will be short lived. I have visitors coming tomorrow and I fully plan to continue with that plan!

Encouragement

Today I woke up to a nice note from Ryan on my bedside table, and another from Krystal on email, encouraging me in my endeavors to be more frugal and live according to my values, assuring me that I would meet with success.

I needed that. Thank you.

Budgets

We are trying to work within a massively restrictive budget. We have to: my medical bills have piled up, and we've acquired some considerable debt in the couple of years from you-know-where. It was way too easy to order take-out instead of cooking; it was way too easy to justify buying a little toy for Tessa because she was dealing with such crap at such a young age that she deserved it. Well, it's time to pay up.

Sigh.

I am not the world's best budgeter, and I am extremely frustrated by my own inability to stick within the budget we've set forth. It seems like this shouldn't be so hard! Our grocery budget still needs to come down $50 per week, and though I've made great strides in that direction, it's not enough. And I have to figure out if this gardening business is worth it, too. We still need soaker hoses, and grass seed, and yard fertilizer, and raspberry bushes, and we need to build some kind of trellis or latticework for raspberries, beans, and snap peas. Ching, ching, ching go the dollar signs. The worst part? These are really small expenses, but as we crack down on our spending, they suddenly loom large.

Maybe the hardest part is that we've had such "rich" years in the past; weekends at bed and breakfasts, European travel, buying a new car (that is now 8 years old!), buying nice wine, dinners out without even thinking of it. Well, we've only eaten one meal out in three weeks, and it was $16 for the family, and now I regret it because we're over budget for the week so obviously that wasn't a good idea. Anyway, my point being that we didn't have much of a budget, because we didn't need to. We did not save nearly enough for a rainy day, either, so the tsunami that hit us found us relatively unprepared.

Whine, whine, whine. There are people in the world who are starving, and I am indignantly saying that I will NOT eat Top Ramen and I mean it. We live in a beautiful home. We have great health insurance (just imagine those bills without it....yikes). Tessa attends a good preschool; she takes gymnastics. It doesn't sound like I have much to complain about when I look at it that way, but still, this belt tightening, frankly, sucks. There are those who would beg to be in our shoes, but still....

It could be better. It could be worse. It is my reality, and I'm adjusting.

I am tracking every single penny I spend, writing it down diligently, trying to cut corners. I've cut a lot of corners in the past few weeks. I have utilized the public library more than ever before. I've all but given up coffees out. I have minimized the miles on the car. I have lowered my carbon footprint substantially by these choices.

Some choices won't make themselves apparent for a while; our house is being kept at 66 degrees (bring a sweater if you visit, or we'll loan you one) and that should knock down our heating bill somewhat. We're turning off lights more than ever before. I'm unplugging things not in use (like the cell phone chargers) to stop phantom energy devices. I'm reusing plastic bags, or eliminating them when possible. (That'll save what, $10 a year in Zip Lock bags? Not much, but I guess $10 is $10. I'm doing it to keep the bags out of a land fill, the $ is secondary.) I don't use Swiffer products any more, replacing them with reusable products that can be used on the Swiffer broom handles. I'm using vinegar and baking soda with increasing frequency to clean with.

I really believe in voluntary simplicity, but this would be a little easier if it were more truly voluntary and not required in order to pay off our bills. Or maybe it would be harder because more things would be tempting! Maybe after this period of trial we'll stop missing the foolish stuff like coffees out every day and when we have extra we can spend it on things that are more meaningful to us, like vacations or home repairs or whatever.

I've been using the library like crazy; I keep putting things on hold. I'm currently reading something called "Ditch the Diet and the Budget" which is about changing mindsets about money and weight (but still staying on track for both). I have been skimming a book called "Unplug the Christmas Machine" about turning Christmas back into a festive time of celebration instead of an overconsumption-bank-breaker. I'm reading about raising children with voluntary simplicity. I'm reading how French Women Don't Get Fat. I'm reading about gardens, and composting, and blueberry care, and natural lawn care (turns out that grass is green, so is moss....is moss so bad?). I have "Omnivore's Dilemma" and "In Defense of Food" on hold (awaiting my turn). I have Oprah's Debt Diet on DVD from Molly to watch.

I am baking my own bread. This doesn't cease to amaze me. It's pretty good, if I may say so myself, and I'm settling on a version that uses molasses, whole grain wheat flour, oatmeal, and flax seed. So far I've been using canola oil, but I'm considering other options. I still have tons of my bulk yeast from PCC left. The honey bread is more expensive and doesn't last as long, so molasses are the family preference.

I have stopped buying deli turkey, and I'm roasting my own for sandwiches.

Ryan is taking a lunch to work most days, either leftovers or a sandwich.

I'm reusing the plastic bags that you use for vegetables at the grocery store, and I take my own bags everywhere; I no longer forget my grocery bags when I go shopping. I've taken to sticking my purse instead a pretty Guatamalean striped bag that doubles as a shopping bag, so I use this for errands (prescriptions, cat food, etc) and small grocery trips. I sought out and used the PCC 10% off coupon, and I marked "member days" on my calendar so that I could get the extra 5-10% off that week (it's only 2 days per month). I've been shopping at PCC, the Farmer's Market, Thriftway, Trader Joe's, and Safeway so that I get the best deals (argh that doesn't make me happy - sometimes all that shopping to get deals sucks the life out of me).

I have taught Tessa to say, "No impulse shopping!" and taught her what taht means; she and I remind each other when we go somewhere. We remind one another that if something is really important to us, we can save our money and buy it in a few weeks. If we forget what it was, then it wasn't important.

I make myself tea in the afternoons when I have time instead of going to coffee.

I've cut back on sweets because I'm not buying pastries etc.

I've used frozen vegetables instead of fresh with some meals (yikes!).

I plan menus around what's on sale (we had pork ribs yesterday for pretty much the first time - slow cooked, they were really good, but I don't think they were very healthy; tonight we had a beef stir-fry using organic broccoli and carrots, brown rice, and free range/no antibiotics/no hormones meat and the whole meal came to $6 for the three of us....this was definitely one of my better economical meals because everyone liked it and it was easy to prepare....just had to marinate the meat for a couple of hours and slice it very thinly before stir-frying to make it tender).

I'm learning. It feels like a trial, but I am learning.

Shep likes running errands with me because I'm walking whenever possible. Fortunately, the weather has been accomodating.

I don't go into stores unless I have to. In this way, I'm not tempted. Tonight we had to go to Rite-Aid because Tessa was out of pull-ups (much to my chagrin, she still needs them at night only), and I intentionally paid for them at the pharmacy so I wouldn't be tempted by magazines and candy.

I'm 38 years old. You'd think I would have figured this stuff out by now, but I feel like I'm learning from scratch. My parents taught me, as they lived this way, but I apparently didn't take the lessons with me. I'm remembering them now.

D

Now what is going on with me? Grumpy, moody, feeling bad about the world in general.

I put on a smiling face but I'm faking it. I'm tired of faking it! I just want to be happy.

Winding down

Sunday night, and we're winding down. Ryan is reading Tessa stories, and I'm logged in here for a moment before going to bed early myself.

Yesterday we got part of the front yard weeded and mulched, and Ryan dug half of the vegetable garden. Both of us were too exhausted to finish the project, so next weekend we'll be doing more of same. I'm joking that my "mulch muscles" were out of shape...perhaps by the end of the weekend they'll be better. I'll try to garden an hour a day this week and see how much I can get done before the weekend. I guess that's how I must plan my weeks if I am to become a gardener.

Church today was on a topic of particular interest to me, and I walked away with many interesting thoughts to contemplate throughout the week. At its best, that is what church does for me, adn I appreciate the peace that comes with that. My friend Bryona joined us today to test out the church, too, and I enjoyed her presence (and singing!) there, as well.

We went to the Farmer's Market, and I mentioned to the bean-seller that the beans hadn't worked out. He apologized and gave me more for free. I really like him - nice guy, good stuff, good business. I appreciate this kind of customer service, and it makes me more loyal to him. At its best, the Farmer's Market is about personal relationships, not just produce, and I like that.

I did, however, cut back on some of my Farmer's Market purchases, deciding that the meat was just too spendy. Our local grocery store had a special on meat today ("12 hour sale!") that I happened upon because we were out of milk, and I was able to get organic, free range, grass fed, etc. for pretty low prices. Good thing, because despite all this cutting back we're not on budget, and I have no idea how we'll hit budget this week with all of the garden purchases (fertilizer, compost, seeds, etc.) that we continue to make. The pay-off should be worth it....right?!

Tonight the Hisatomi's had us over for a lovely dinner (we brought wine, home made bread, and salad; they provided an amazing home made lasagna with butternut squash, kale, ricotta - YUM) and it was a nice way to end our week.

Not much reflection tonight, just what we did today. Tessa is well, silly as ever, and acting her extroverted self. She went over to our neighbors' house to deliver a picture she'd made them, and came back five minutes later to announce to me, "I invited Sarah to have a glass of wine; she'll be here in five minutes," which had me spluttering with laughter and saying "WHAT?" - fortunately Sarah has a great sense of humor and enjoys Tessa, so she got a good laugh out of Tessa's precocious invitation, as well. No wonder when the teacher said that Tessa was unusually quiet I had a hard time imagining it, when this is what I see most often. (Yes, I know, different at school; different with people she's more used to; different with adults than kids; different when mom and dad are right there, etc.)

Good night, all.

March weekend

Today Ryan woke up with a migraine - uh oh. He took his Immitrex (sp?) and is in the darkened guest room right now, trying to sleep it off. Hopefully within two hours he'll feel much better.

The plan for this weekend is to spend a little time today at C&P (about to leave!), to run an errand at WaMu (Tessa and I are going to go - she's going to ride her bike, and I'm going to walk beside her with Shep...wish me luck! It's about a mile and a half round trip and I'll have my hands full.), and then it's gardening, gardening, gardening.

We're going to break ground on the new garden, and go up to West Seattle Nursury to buy extra compost (we don't have enough) and fertilizer, to prep the soil for planting. It's going to be back breaking work, but I swear it will be worth it. We also have a truckload's worth of mulch (free!) that we need to spread on our other beds. It will be a busy day, and at the end of it all we'll be tired, but hopefully in that satisfying way. We'll have a quiet family night together, and I even envision board games. We'll see!

Sunday, we'll go to church (the subject is happiness, and references the Dalai Lama's thoughts on happiness, and I'm particularly intrigued and hopeful that I'll walk away with something interesting) and our friend Bryona is coming (Graham too, I hope). Then, the Farmer's Market....and then we have no plans. I like the no plans part as much as the other parts.

And now, off to the day. Fingers crossed that Ryan's meds work and the migraine disappears quickly!

Parenting opportunity

Ryan and I chatted about the pre-K conference yesterday.

Both of us said that we were surprised. The Tessa that we are used to is bubbly and outgoing, not particularly shy.

But the signs are there, too, and we had not been paying close enough attention.

Our daughter is perfect....in the way that all children are perfect. She has her drama queen moments, and she's perfected whining, etc., but she is a great kid, and I couldn't imagine any other child for my own. This was a little wake up call to me to see her as she really is, and not as I might perceive myself or as I project ideas on to her.

Tessa and I had a nice little talk about it yesterday. She said that she feels funny when she's watching the other kids play at recess and she's not sure what to do. She said that the other kids are nice to her, and she likes school, but that she doesn't know what to do at recess. We talked about ideas, abstract and concrete, for getting around this. When I left school today, Tessa was sitting at Kate's area, and the two of them were making art together and talking about playdates together. I suggested to Tessa that she should ask Kate to play with her at recess, and Tessa thought this was a good idea. I guess this needs to be taught! I am very interested to hear what Tessa says when she comes home. This will not be resolved overnight, and Tessa may forget today when it's recess, and that's okay. Hopefully she'll remember the heart of what we talked about, and it will help her to not feel "funny" about those times when the kids are playing together and not doing a specific task like making letters or singing songs.

I will coach Tessa to help her to feel more connected at school, and to give her the skills to make new friends. I will also accept her for who she is: slow to warm up, a bit shy at times, an observer. Those things are also wonderful parts of her, and I love them just as much as I love the bubbly girl that I see most often at home.

The teacher pointed out that I can not protect Tessa from all pain, and that she will have to learn on her own timetable. I know this is true, but I can't help but want to announce to each child that Tessa is special, amazing, smart, funny, kind, etc. Of course this would be interfering in the highest degree, and would probably label Tessa a weirdo because of her mother's interference, and I'll never do it. Tessa will have to figure this out on her own, and all I can do is talk about it on occassion, without drawing too much attention to it, and it will work itself out.

Ryan pointed out that when the kids get to know Tessa in kindergarten, even if it takes a while, they'll learn how great she is, and as she goes through school with them she'll pick up friends along the way, at her own pace. She has dozens of friends and a few close friends already, so she's got a great head start.

Phew. This parenting business isn't for sissies.

Beans

They never cooked all the way through. I guess I didn't soak them long enough...? They looked plenty plump etc, and they'd been in the slow cooker for perhaps 6 hours, but they have a slightly crumbly texture. GRRRRRR.

I added water to the "cooked" baked beans, baked them an additional 1.5 hours, and still they're better but not fully cooked. I've given up for the night, and added a cup of water and set them in the fridge. Maybe they'll absorb the water overnight and be good to go tomorrow?

Hey, Granny, send me a message. What do I do now?!

(We ate grilled cheese for dinner. Sigh.)

Pre-kindergarten parent teacher conference

Today was my first parent teacher conference, with Tessa's preschool teacher.

The great news:
The teacher classifies Tessa as a "bright, empathetic, compassionate child who is absolutely ready for kindergarten." Tessa has the fine motor skills, the basic knowledge (letters, numbers, etc.) with very few exceptions. (For some reason she didn't identify a rectangle or the number 10, both of which we can correct with little work.) We'll work on writing her last name, and on lower case letters, but overall, she's ahead of the curve. Her artwork is "near the top of the class" as well. Tessa follows instruction well, is a great helper in the classroom, takes responsibility, learns her academic lessons well, and picks up new knowledge and skills well. When there is a structured activity, she excels; she participates well and raises her hand to answer questions and volunteer information at carpet time.

The thing that caught me a bit off guard (though when I think about it, it isn't too surprising) is that Tessa does not engage with the other kids at school, and is mostly an observer, especially at recess. She doesn't jump in to play with the other kids, appears shy, and really holds back. She doesn't appear to be making friends on her own, and this can be really tough for kids in kindergarten. I think that Tessa has so many friends from babyhood that she's never had to work at making a friend, and for this reason, she hasn't developed the skill. The teacher said that it's a developmental thing, and that I couldn't really help Tessa with it, other than to talk to her about it. The one thing we CAN do is invite school kids for playdates, etc. Tessa particularly likes Kate at her school, and they have some things in common, so that is an obvious choice, and we'll invite Kate to play soon. It's not that Tessa doesn't play well with others, or appears unhappy at school, or is snubbed by other kids...it's that she just holds back and doesn't engage, and she does this enough that she's quiet and the kids don't even notice after a while.


The idea of Tessa standing around at recess, simply observing, not engaging or playing, gives me a bit of a stomachache. The teacher isn't worried, and I know from observing Tessa with her friends at home that she's capable of interacting extremely well with other kids, but obviously this is something we need to work on. We will! The teacher pointed out that everything can change in a year, and I suspect that will be the case.

Granny's beans

As I was prepping them today (since Tessa was at Anna's I thought I'd get making dinner out of the way), I remembered some things. Granny always put some apple cider vinegar in hers, as well as some dry mustard. Funny how these things can come back to you.

The beans are in the fridge now, and they'll go into the oven around 5pm so we can eat at 6ish. I'll do a simple green salad with some blood oranges in it for a side, and voila', dinner is ready.

I'm afraid to look up the points - the beans and onions are fine, but maple syrup and bacon? Uh oh. If they're as good as I remember, I'll have a hard time keeping my portions small, too.

It's misty outside but I'm determined to put on old jeans and shovel bark mulch after Tessa's pre-K parent teacher conference.....