What do you do when you don't feel like cooking?

Okay, readers (I know you're out there - Sitemeter tells me that I get at least 50 readers a day, and that you're all over the world)....time to come out of hiding.

What do you cook when you don't feel like cooking? What are your fallback meals for yourself and your family?

Today I ordered take-out....expensive and unhealthy, but there was no way I was going to cook. What do you do on those nights when it's too much?

Apparently, I need more than little birds

I'm still grouchy.

I don't feel well. My throat is scratchy. I'm tired. My head hurts. WAHHHH.

These are not "real" problems in that it's not life threatening, but they're problems none-the-less. I've decided to scrap the good attitude and mope for a little while instead. Tessa is curled up watching Clifford, happy. I ordered take-out for dinner. It's going to take more than some cute birds in my yard to break me out of my funk.

Hopefully, a good night's sleep and a return to health in the morning will do the trick. Until then, I'm whining.

Okay, 30 seconds of Zen

After my grouchy post, I came upstairs and looked out the window.

There, on the birdfeeder that Tessa insisted that we buy last year (she didn't have to push too hard), were a handful of sweet little birds. I looked them up in our Seattle Bird Guide, and they are juncos. Then, we got to see a larger Northern Flicker (woodpecker) with brilliant red under its wings and tail. I stood at the back door for a little bit and watched this small piece of nature flitting through my back yard, and for a moment the girls were playing well and kind to one another, and I had to remind myself to stop being so grouchy.

Reminder to self: I live in perhaps the most beautiful part of the world. The Olympics were out in full color today: stunning. There are gorgeous wild birds flittering through my back yard. My house is warm, my health problem is a scratchy throat and not a lump (shudder), my dog follows me around because he loves me, my husband likes his job and called while at work to check on me to send his love....and I have an amazing child. Even when she's driving me crazy.

Okay today is a different day

Thank goodness I had a little zen in my day yesterday, because today it appears that I won't be getting any!

Tessa has two friends over to play right now, and that dear, lovely, intelligent, compassionate child of mine is being a pain in the butt. She's being jealous, refusing to share her things, telling scary stories about a mean guy hiding in her closet (which she thinks is hysterically funny) until one of her friends cried in terror (and then Tessa initially refused to tone things down, despite her friend's terror....I had to open doors, move clothes around, stomp and make some noise, to prove that nobody was there)....etc. She also had a rather impressive temper tantrum (worse in a 5 year old than a 2 year old because 5 year olds are louder and can kick harder). Where, oh where did yesterday's sweet, inquisitive child disappear to? I know she'll come back but today I really miss her.

To top it off, my tickly throat is turning into a sore throat. I have just enough cognition to know that I may be responding more to my sore throat than my child; my patience feels short today.

And I'm stressed because I'm behind deadline for a Komen project that I REALLY believe in. And did I mention that Ryan has late work meetings? Not a big deal at all, just the timing stinks. C'est la vie.

Somehow, it will all work out. But in the meantime, I'm a stressed out mommy. Calgon, take me away.

Down time

The short version? Tessa's got a cold.

Today we're having some enforced down time, despite the busy day I had planned. Instead of touring Alki Elementary, working on Komen's Race for the Cure website, taking Tessa to preschool, and attending a Race meeting, Tessa and I have stayed home and had a very quiet day.

Despite my anxiety about not getting these things done (Komen is on a short deadline and I have a LOT of work to do, which I really must get done, so that in particular is stressful to me), it has been a nice day. I've done some cleaning projects around the house, hung some pictures on the "family wall" in the family room (it's all hodge-podge with different frames and picture sizes, but what the heck...the rest of that room is hodge-podge too and it's nice to have family pics up), and played with Tessa.

Tessa and I have sat and played together more in the past day than in the past week. We've played horses with a set that my mom gave her a couple of years ago; we read for well over an hour from a book about children from around the world (and looked at the dolls of the world set that she received for Christmas to see their clothing and compare), we made an 84 piece puzzle of a map of the United States (which she needed assistance with, but was a great opportunity to talk about who we know that lives in different states, what crops were grown where, etc.), we watched birds on the birdfeeder in the back yard (we both really like the bluejays), we've cleaned together (Tessa's job is to help me with dusting - she's really proud of herself for helping with chores and I will not squelch that kind of enthusiasm, knowing full well that one day she'll shriek at me if I ask her to help)....lots and lots of quiet on one time.

Man, I love my daughter.

One of my favorite songs is "Lullaby" by the Dixie Chicks, and today reminded me of lines from that song:

"I'll slip in bed while you're asleep,
And hold you close to feel your breath on me.
Tomorrow there'll be so much to do,
So tonight I'll drift inside a dream with you."

Today, the drifting happened while we were awake, and that was such a lovely pleasure. No rush, no hustle, no bustle....just spending time together, with nothing to accomplish, and nowhere to go.

The next lines of the song say,
"How long do you want to be loved?
Is forever enough? Is forever enough?"

No, forever is not enough, but it is certainly my promise to Tessa.

Parenting is difficult; sometimes, it feels like an impossibly large burden, and I feel my frustration rising as I just long for -deeply yearn for- 20 minutes of uninterrupted thoughts. Not today. Today, I'm reminded that I really, truly love being with my daughter. I love hearing what she thinks, and I love learning the workings of her mind. I think she's funny, and fun, and interesting, and though I do NOT want to speed up the clock (no! slow down!), I can not wait to know her when she is a woman. I can not wait to see the person that she is becoming, and to watch our relationship grow. One day, if I am lucky, I will get to see her become a mother, and I know deep in my soul that she will be wonderful. One day, if I am lucky, I will get to see Tessa change the world in ways big or small. I have no doubt about it. This is not pressure on her to do something grand like become president or cure poverty...but she is such a lovely person, filled with love and compassion, that the world is a better place because she is in it, and she will improve the world through her existance. All things are possible in her.

The ramblings of a besotted mother? Absolutely. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: every child should be loved and adored as much as I love Tessa. Of course I'm biased. I don't care - I think she's part magic, and that magic is so filled with possibility.

All of this because of cancelled plans, because of enforced slowness. I feel sorry for Tessa's runny nose and tickly throat, but selfishly, I'm glad she got a cold. I hope it goes away before it makes her feel too bad, but I am grateful for the reminders the cold brought.

When tomorrow or the next day is doubly busy because of falling behind with everything today, I truly hope that I can remember this. I hope I can still find small moments to just play, to question, to listen to Tessa. Talk of "put your shoes on" and "hurry up, we're late" and "let's go to the grocery store" and even "we're going to a playdate" is all well and fine and necessary, but just sitting and reading until we're tired of reading (and not until the clock tells us that it's time to stop) is a rare treat. I hope I remember to do that more often....without the poor kid getting a cold.

And...not to end on a sour note...but I have to say it anyway.

As I dream about the woman that Tessa will become, I curse damn cancer for threatening to prevent me from seeing that transformation. I have no promises. The clouds appear far off and in the distance, but I fear the storm that they might bring. I'm praying for sunshine and sprinkles, but no hurricanes. I want to be here for myself and my family. I want to be here to stand at Ryan's side and watch our Tessa grow into herself. I want that more than anything I've ever wanted before.

A Chance to See the Dalai Lama

I have recently learned that the Dalai Lama is coming to Seattle, and I'm thrilled at the prospect of seeing him speak.

Check it out:
http://www.seedsofcompassion.net/event/

I personally believe that the Dalai Lama is one of the most compassionate, intelligent people on the planet, and every time I hear him speak (never in person, unfortunately) or read his writing I walk away feeling more committed to being a positive person in the world. I admire his teachings greatly, and I would be more excited than I can express if I got to see him.

This particular program is interesting to me because it is all about teaching children compassion, and raising our children compassionately. As I struggle to be a compassionate person, I know that I struggle to model to Tessa, and I hope that I can learn more.

Tickets aren't on sale or available yet, but I hope to be able to get my hands on some.

Churches that advertise

The UU organization is advertising in Time Magazine. I'm not sure how I feel about this; on the one hand, evangelism generally makes me feel uncomfortable; on the other, I'm grateful to have stumbled onto the UU faith but it was almost entirely by accident and I wish I'd heard of it sooner and these ads might help facilitate that for others.

Anyway, here's a link to the ad. It is next to an interesting article about Einstein's faith.
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1607298,00.html

More kindergarten talk

Well, prepare to hear lots of kindergarten talk on this blog in the next couple of months as I make decisions about where to send Tessa. We're just at the beginning and it's a bit overwhelming.

First, I realize that choosing a kindergarten is not the most critical decision in a child's life. I recognize that Tessa is well primed to succeed in kindergarten. I believe that she's the "ideal" student, in that she's able to sit and listen, she wants to please her teachers/authority figures, she doesn't appear to have any learning disabilities, she's social, and she has a love of learning and of books. Because she has educated parents who will be active in the school she's in, and because we care about reading in the home, and because we model reading and writing to her (mom's in a book club and writes in a journal; dad's constantly taking trips to the library to pick up books), and because we are well set up to support her homework, etc., it is my suspicion that she will succeed in just about any school. In this regard, she is like most of the children that we know: middle class children who don't worry about a roof over their heads, food in their bellies, and parents who love them. These things alone are a great head start in education.

Still, I feel a lot of pressure to choose well for her. Success can be judged in lots of ways, and I need to decide where my own values lie in order to decide what a successful kindergarten placement will look like.

Now, this seems like it should be easy. I value safety, academics, community, diversity, love of learning, parent involvement, access to materials (books, technology, etc.), caring faculty, development of critical thinking more than rote memorization, development of social-emotional as well as intellectual strengths, art programs, music programs, foreign language, PE programs, encouragement of girls into math and science, excellent reading and writing programs, after school programs like running club or basketball or chess, a nice building, low student to teacher ratios, good test scores, pride in the school environment....

Can you see where I run into problems? That is a long list, and not one local public school meets everything in that list. Some schools emphasize community more than academics; some schools have art but not foreign language; some schools have great writing programs but lesser science programs. It's not a perfect world, so I can't have it all (no news there), so I have to decide which of these things is most important to me, and then make the match.

We know we intend to stay in West Seattle. We know that we intend to pursue public, not private, school options. I'm not going into it here, but we believe that we have excellent reasons for our family to reach these conclusions, and we're happy to stay the course on those two issues.

The first major decision I have to make is about academic rigor versus diversity (and how the encouragement of, or lack of, diversity impacts community). One local school (Lafayette) has the Spectrum program for gifted and talented children, and it's possible that Tessa could test into this program. The program is at a school noted for its high test scores, traditional learning styles, and lack of diversity as compared to other schools in the area. Another local school (Pathfinder, the alternative school) has an incredible approach toward community and diversity, and really works with kids' creativity, but I fear that they do not have the academic rigor that would help Tessa live up to her potential.

Two schools, Alki and Schmitz Park, appear to be more middle of the road and may meet all of our needs, but they appear to be very popular and we may not get in to either of them.

Our local reference school is Gatewood, and I just don't know enough about them yet. Academically, though, they do not appear to have great strength, or maybe I'm just judging test scores (and we all know how they are filled with falacies).

I have not made any decisions. I toured Pathfinder today, and I have tours set up for other schools. But in order to make my decisions, first I have to struggle through this list of values to determine what my ranked order is. This is tough work for Ryan and I, as we want only the best for our beautiful (her heart, mind, soul as much as her outsides) daughter.

Whatever we do, it will be okay. Nothing is irrevocable. Still, it would be nice to choose the right school from the get-go, and just enjoy the ride.

What Not to Say to a Cancer Survivor

This is thanks to The Cancer Crusade, an organization that sends me weekly thoughts on cancer survivorship. They are also the creators of the brilliant survivor movie that I've posted here before:

http://www.thecancercrusade.com/Cancer_Survivors/cancer_survivors.asp

I'm posting this because it rings incredibly true with me. Thank you for reading it and understanding.
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Whether you are a newly diagnosed survivor or someone who loves him or her, cancer rocks your world. We survivors have our own issues to face, but those of you who care for us can help by learning what not to say. We know you mean well, but please avoid the following platitudes:

"God won't give you more than you can handle." This implies that God gave me cancer. I don't buy it. The God I know is about goodness and light and love and healing. He doesn't throw down lightning bolts of cancer (or other catastrophes for that matter); that kind of thinking went out with ancient mythology. My cancer was caused by some cellular misfire, some rotten biological/chemical event, a chink in my body's immune system armor. Instead of telling me that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, remind me that God helps us handle what we are given.

"I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. You'll probably outlive me." Keep that up, and I can guarantee it. Look, if you're walking blindfolded down the middle of a major interstate highway during rush hour when you say this (because that's how I feel right now), it might make sense and I might agree with you. Otherwise, it's a meaningless remark that does nothing to make me feel better. In fact, now I'm worried about you. Thanks a lot.

"You have to have a positive attitude to beat this, so come on! Be positive!" You've just added to the terror I'm already experiencing. You have implied (whether you meant to or not) that I'm hurting my chances of getting well because I'm very sad and very scared right now. If you really want to help me, acknowledge and validate my feelings. Feelings are not facts, so you can't argue with them; please don't try. Instead, help me express what's in my heart and on my mind. You don't need to respond to everything I say. Just listen without trying to "fix" things. I will find my way to a more "positive attitude" as I gain understanding of my disease and treatment plan and as I begin to regain control of my life. Be patient with me. I'll get there in my own time.

"Don't cry. It will all be okay." These words are almost always said because the person who is witnessing the crying is uncomfortable. If you're uncomfortable seeing me cry, then please don't come around for a while. I need to cry sometimes, and I don't need anyone telling me not to. Crying is healthy. It helps me get the bad stuff out, and that helps make room for the really good stuff like wholeness and healing.And you don't know if it will "all be okay" anymore than I do, so don't say that. In fact, don't say anything just to be saying something. If you can just sit with me and be with me and acknowledge through your silent companionship that we are mere mortals but we are in this together, that will be more comforting to me than anything you could say.

Kindergarten

I can't believe I'm having to seriously think about this. How is my little girl growing up so fast?

This week, I'm booking school tours at our top four school choices: Alki, Schmitz Park, Gatewood, and Pathfinder. I hope to learn about their educational philosophies, and try to find the school that is the best match for Tessa and our family. I take this stuff seriously -hey, I used to be a public school teacher! - and I really want to make the right decisions for Tessa. We will weigh academics, extra-curricular activities, community, philosophy, and all the rest. Tessa is a bright girl who is already showing signs of early reading, so I want to make sure that she's challenged. So much to think about!

I do not recommend this diet plan

I'm not talking about Weight Watchers - that's a great plan.

I'm talking about the plan I stumbled upon yesterday. It involved eating a sandwich that might have been tainted with something (?) and then throwing up half the night. YUCK! Thankfully, I feel somewhat human again today, but that was a real drag.

The only good news? I lost two pounds yesterday "without trying." This puts me at four pounds over my goal, which is closer than I've been in some time (maybe a year....?!). I suspect that by Valentine's Day all of my clothes will, once again, fit me the way I want them to. Wahoo!

Last night's experience made me very grateful for the fabulous anti-emetics that were available to me during chemo. I absolutely loathe throwing up - I mean, nobody likes it, but I'm practically phobic about it - and last night's experience made me even more grateful that I never threw up during chemo.

Catching up

After the holiday chaos, there is so much to do.....clean out the attic, clear our closets of clothes no longer needed/desired, filing, bill paying (blech), sorting out insurance issues, planning Tessa's birthday (what on earth to get a child who has everything?!), walking the dog, exercising, planning healthy meals, refilling prescriptions, catching up on email, thank you cards...the list is endless and this is only the beginning.

Okay, deep breath. (Oh, yeah, add meditation to that list.)

I'm trying to wade through my to-do list but it's growing in leaps and bounds. And trying to do it all while mothering, and not lose my mind in the process, is particularly challenging. If anyone has good advice on this, let me know! I keep thinking "if I could just get caught up" but that is falsely reassuring....

Insight, anyone?

Happy New Year!

Well, 2008 has arrived. Happy New Year!

I look forward to a (hopefully) wonderful year. This is the year that I hope to run a half marathon and a full marathon, that I hope to do some local travel and camping with family, the year that Tessa starts kindergarten.

I hope that I can continue on my spiritual journey at WSUU and in my own readings. Thanks to Adrienne, I've discovered Pema Chodron's writing, and I feel that I'm newly a student once again, learning different ways to think about the world, my place in it, and the subject of compassion and kindness. I'm delighted to be on some kind of path again in this regard, even though I know it will be full of twists and turns.

Two years into my Weight Watchers journey, I do not have any grand goals about my weight - I'm already there! I'd like to drop a few pesky pounds (I'm a few up from where I'd like to be, but well within healthy ranges), but I do not, thankfully, have to make any major changes in that regard, just tweak what I'm already doing.

It will be a year of great change. Tessa's entrance to kindergarten will substantially alter my life as a stay at home mom, and decisions will have to be made about how much I work (or not). No decisions have been made; I have ideas, but I'm uncertain. That's okay, as I don't have to figure it out all at once, and the only thing permanent is impermanence. Even if I make the "wrong" decision in that regard, I can change.

So this new year, I'm looking forward to time with friends and family. I'm going to try to use my down-time more effectively, pursuing those things that give me joy rather than just filling time. I'm going to try to continue to care for my body, and to nurture my soul and mind. I'm going to try to be a great wife and the best mother Tessa could ask for. I'm going to take time out in nature to enjoy the snowfall, the rainbows, the waterfall, the scent of pine needles, pebbles on the beach. I'm going to read great books (and some mediocre ones). I'm going to volunteer in my community, and continue to further the cause to find a cure for breast cancer.

I haven't really said anything new here, and that's pretty satisfying to me. No major changes, just travel on life's road, attempting to accept what comes my way and to choose the right path(s).

Happy New Year!

(PS That shot of the Olympic Mountains over the Sound was taken today from the beach area in front of Mee Kwa Mooks Park in West Seattle. No wonder I love it here - a walk with Shep turned out to be a beautiful foray into nature, the sound of the waves to soothe me.)

My lesson at church today

I continue to love attending WSUU. Not every word inspires me (would that even be possible?), but it offers me a lot of things. Sometimes, I have to think about the sermon for a week before it really hits home; sometimes, I hear something that connects with me immediately.

Today, it was an immediate connection. The sermon was about letting go and forgiveness - appropriate topics for year's end. There were several stories and readings, and one line from a meditation about forgiveness really stuck out to me:

"Forgive us the folly for trying to improve a friend."

In my marriage, in particular, I believe I'm guilty of this. Under the assumption of loving, caring, and compassion, I try to push my ideas on Ryan. Sometimes he is not receptive to these ideas, and I've been prone to thinking, "What isn't there to get? This is so obvious!" and I have felt frustrated and expressed my frustration with him. My mom was discussing this idea (not related to Ryan, but to life in general), and said "We are all at different stages of our life journey; we all have different levels of understanding. You can't expect everyone else to be at the same place in the journey that you are at the same time all the time," and I think that this line from the meditation speaks to that. I choose Ryan because I love him and he is a worthy partner, and I choose my friends for the same reasons. How foolish it is of me to push my ideas on others just because I'm at a new understanding, when I don't want others' ideas pushed on me. "Improving a friend" might mean "You should be more like me," and frankly, there's already enough of me to go around. I don't want a world full of me - I want a world full of the diverse people that I love.

The journey, to me, is like traveling the spokes of the wheel. We might be equally advanced, but in different areas (spokes). How irritating it is to be reminded that we are behind in one area, only because we're exploring another area.

Oops.

This doesn't mean that we can't all learn from another and offer one another wisdom; there is room for that, too. But when it switches from sharing my own lessons to trying to improve another person, I'm guilty and determined to learn and grow from this new understanding.

It was a great lightbulb moment for me.

This is exactly why I choose to attend services, and why I'm embracing being a UU. I am grateful for the opportunity to reflect on these ideas, and I'm grateful for being given the space to learn and grow. No judgement, no finger pointing, just room to grow. Lovely.

Snowshoeing!

Packing list

- Bag of boots (big, medium, and small)
- Bag of extra clothes in case we get cold/wet (big, medium, and small)
- Bag of snowshoes (big, medium, and small)
- Dog boots, leash, collar, and blanket/towel
- Backpacks stocked with tissues, lip balm, extra gloves, snacks and water (big, medium, and small)
- Bag of snow clothes (coats and snow-pants, hats, scarves, fleece) (big, medium, and small)
- Sleds and blankets

Are we going on an arctic expedition? No, we are going to Snoqualmie Pass for a couple hours tomorrow morning to play in the snow and do a little snowshoeing. From the looks of our car, you'd think that we could do the North Pole!

Thank you cards

For a couple of years (since diagnosis?) I have been incredibly remiss in sending out thank you cards.

I used to pride myself on sending them with regularity and punctuality. I have been the fortunate recipient of much generousity and thoughtfulness in my life, and it seemed a small thing to me to write a small note to acknowledge others' gifts to me. Of course it's good manners to send such notes, but my heart was really in writing them, too, because it was a way for me to feel gratitude and share my heart with the givers. Really, a win-win all around.

Then cancer came, and I just became utterly overwhelmed by so many things. This is my reason, but not an excuse. Many other cancer patients manage to keep up with their thank yous, but I did not. I can't exactly explain it, but I just didn't have anything to give. I was just tired by life, and sometimes the smallest of tasks seemed insurmountable. Perhaps this was an early sign of my depression, as thank you cards were not the only thing that slipped.

But I digress.

This Christmas, like every other year, I was the fortunate recipient of gifts of love and thoughtfulness. I have vowed to acknowledge them in writing. I know how fortunate I am to have such faithful friends and family members in my life, and I WANT to acknowledge them.

I can't go back to write all of the thank yous that I have missed over the past couple of years - the task feels impossible and doomed to failure, despite my good intentions. But I can start fresh, and vow not to miss another opportunity to thank those people in my life who share their kindnesses with me.

Check your mail soon. I appreciate you, and I send my love.

Merry Christmas!

A quick note in the middle of this Christmas Day.

We are having a wonderful family Christmas together, and many Christmas wishes were granted (bike stuff for Ryan, cashmere for me, a swingset for Tessa) and we've been enjoying a lazy morning. Of course, there's the excitement of the tipped over Christmas tree (hey, it looks like the tree's at an angle...we should fix that....crash!) but that just adds to the fun. (Ryan's vacuuming up needles now.)

Later today, my parents, grandma, and brother plus family will come here to have Christmas dinner with us.

The best part of the day so far is watching Tessa unwrap her gifts, while we sip coffee and eat twice baked almond croissants from Bakery Nouveau. Today isn't a day to count calories, and I'm not. (I just hope I can fit into my workout clothes after today.) Christmas music playing, a roast waiting to go into the oven, the smell of pine needles and coffee wafting through the house, and a plate of cookies just waiting for us. The cousins' presents are under the tree, and Tessa can't wait to play on the swingset with Caleb and Joshua. Four generations will sit around our table, and that has a magic of its own, too.

I want to give my daughter a fantasy childhood, filled with laughter, traditions, and fun times together. Today, it feels like we're doing a good job of that, and I am filled with contentment.

Love, joy and peace to you all. Merry Christmas!

Christmas Crab Bisque

A friend asked me to send her the recipe, and since I typed it up, I thought I'd share. It's a huge hit around here, and we serve it as our opening course for Christmas dinner. I can't wait!

Crab bisque is a huge hit around here. I couldn't find a recipe I liked so I took four recipes I found online and combined them. Here's what I do:

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Crab Bisque - Serves 10-12

2 tablespoons butter
1/2 large onion, finely chopped
4 celery ribs,chopped
3/4 cup flour
1 cup dry white wine
4 cups chicken broth
4 cups half and half
2 pounds crab meat
handful fresh parsley
1 tablespoon fresh thyme
salt and pepper to taste


Melt butter in a large soup pot on medium to medium high, add onion and celery, and cook until soft. Add flour and cook for a full minute. Slowly add wine, broth and half and half, stirring constantly to mix in flour and keep smooth, and simmer for a half hour.

If desired, you can complete this step in advance, and finish the dish just before the meal (which is what I do, so that I can enjoy the day instead of cooking all day).

Heat the broth/onion mixture through, and then add herbs, seasoning, and crab, and heat through and serve.

If desired, reserve some of the crab meat and use for garnish.
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I love dungeoness crab, but since it's about $25/pound I usually use part lump canned crab meat (Costco and Trader Joe's both sell it at reasonable prices, about $10/pound) and then do the rest with fresh dungeoness crab, garnishing each dish with a sprig of thyme and a piece of dungeoness leg meat. Many recipes call for less crab, but our family LOVES crab and so I make it "crab-heavy" as a special occassion dish.

Other recipes call for cutting up some potatoes and adding them, or using dry sherry instead of wine, or omitting the wine/sherry and using extra broth. Sometimes I add a clove or two of crushed garlic to the onion mixture, as well.

The recipe can be played with - the amounts of onion, celery, parsly, etc. are all pretty negotiable. Some of the recipes I found call for 2 tablespoons of onion, and some call for much much more. These are the quantities that have worked best for me.

Telling little kids about cancer

I keep meaning to put together a brief set of blog entries for newly diagnosed women; short summaries of some of the top questions or concerns or areas of interest. Well, today someone on the YSC boards asked a question about how to tell her small children about her diagnosis, and this is what I replied. In case anyone out there in internet-land is searching on information about telling children about cancer, I thought I'd share my experiences here.

(This is a repeat of information found in a variety of earlier blog entries, probably not relevant to my friends and family at this time.)

The book "Sammy's Mommy Has Cancer" was INCREDIBLY helpful to me; it doesn't discuss mastectomy directly but it talks about chemo, baldness, surgery, fatigue, etc. It's available on Amazon and in other bookstores. My daughter asked us to read it to her every day for months, because it helped her to understand.

I was very straightforward with our daughter, who was 2.5 at the time but highly verbal. We used the words "breast cancer" and explained that our bodies are made of cells that work together to make us strong, but the cells in Mama's breast had turned to bad cells that made me sick. We explained that the doctor would cut out the cancer and give me strong medicine to make me well, but that the medicine would make me tired and bald. We were very careful to explain that this was unusual, and not something that little kids could get. We made sure that she understood it was not like getting a cold or a fever or a sore throat, so she didn't need to worry about herself. (I know kids get cancer, though not breast cancer, but the idea was to help her to not worry if she got a sniffly nose that next they'd cut her breasts off.)

I never quite explained that they would be removing my breast along with the cancer...I meant to but never figured out how (eventually, both breasts, but initially, just one). My daughter walked in (barged in!) to the bathroom when I was just a few days post-op and I was coming out of the shower, and exclaimed "Mommy has only one nipple!" As calmly as I could, I said, "Yes, the doctors had to take off Mama's breast to make sure they got all of the cancer." Because I knew that I was going to get reconstruction, I said, "It's okay with me because I'm glad the cancer is gone. And one day, the doctors are going to build me a new breast!" That became my daughter's understanding: this was temporary, and I'd get new breasts. She seemed pretty okay with it.

I talked to the psycho-onc and read books about what to share with her, and what was recommended to me was to be as straight-forward as possible without overdoing it. (We've never talked about mortality issues, and won't unless something changes.) I also learned that children's number one fear is that they are not being told the whole truth or that they are being lied to, and so I was encouraged to be as open as possible. This worked for us, because it's how we do most things, not just big stuff like cancer. My daughter was not thrilled to have cancer in the family, but I don't think it terrified her, either.

Everything I read said to tell the child that it is NOT their fault. This seems obvious (of course it's not their fault!) but children make some strange leaps of logic, and many children have been known to say "If only I didn't bug Mom so much she wouldn't have gotten sick" or "If I was good she'd get better" etc. You want to nip that in the bud right away and state up front that it's nobody's fault.

I also told my daughter that she was the person who could help me to feel better. Her smiles make me happy; reading stories to her makes me happy; playing games with her makes me happy. When I was really sick it made me happy when she made things (cards, bead necklaces, simple things) for me. I tried to let her know that it was her job to just be a kid, and that just having her around made me happy. The idea was to give her some power in the situation to make HERSELF feel better, rather than just be a powerless bystander.

At age almost 5, my daughter knows about chemo, radiation, Herceptin, reconstruction, mastectomy, etc. This is part of her childhood, and that saddens me....but it's also the reality. Some kids deal with divorce, poverty, and other losses, and my daughter has had to deal with cancer. It's part of her normal, now.

Our way might not be right for everyone, but it's been great for us. I'm delighted to say that my daughter is pretty well adjusted - a happy, smiling kid who loves to play on the monkey bars, is learning to read, and begs for playdates fifty times a day. She's also capable of throwing an impressive tantrum, or whining when she doesn't get her way. In short, she's pretty normal, despite the abnormal features of her childhood.

I hope you get something out of this book that helps you. I'm pretty passionate about the subject, as all of my deepest fears about cancer are about its impact on my daughter. I hope I've given you something positive to give you hope that your kids will be okay, too.

Yikes

Well, interesting times.

Today Tessa is recovering, but not at all her normal self. The fever is gone, but she's still tired and low energy, eating much less than usual. She's on the mend, but she's not mended.

And then there's Shep. I stopped in at Marisa's party this afternoon, and when I got home, Shep looked normal when he came out to greet me. Twenty minutes later Ryan said, "What's wrong with Shep's eyes?" and when I looked, they were nearly swollen shut. As we debated what could be causing the problem, I practically watched his jaw swell up.

$156 later (well, it could definitely be worse) the vet (the one that's open all night closest to us is in Burien - of course this happens on a Sunday night!) has declared that Shep probably ate some thing and had an allergic reaction. Since he had strewn garbage from the office garbage can, we suspect it might have been a candy wrapper with chocolate residue. We'll never know what caused it, but an injection of Benedryl and steroids seems to have reversed some of the swelling. We'll watch him tonight and take him to our regular vet tomorrow if he isn't fully improved.

Really, there are other things I'd planned this weekend....yikes!

Change of plans

Well, this is how it goes some days.

Tessa woke up this morning with a fever (103.2), and so this weekend will be spent laying low. Ryan and I are taking turns with her and going out one at a time(I went to the C&P Arts and Crafts fair and got a fabulous gift for my mom's birthday - hurrah!). The bummer, though, is that tomorrow was to be her blessing, and now we can't go. Wahhh.

Seeing our girl laid low breaks my heart. She just sleeps and watches TV; she's very snuggly (which is nice) but she's got absolutely no energy. I hope this illness passes very, very quickly.

The Christmas Card Photo

Okay, so here it is. A darling picture of a family enjoy themselves....

or is it just a picture of my butt?! ACK!

I hope you get a good laugh out of it. It IS one of my favorite photos, because I remember the moment so clearly, but after I chose it I started to wonder if I was insane to send a picture of my rear end to many people I know.

Well, it is what it is. Happy holidays!

Varolli Holiday Party

Here we are! You can see my longer hair in this phot.

Pictures!

Our new camera arrived and it's functional. Here are some of the first pics. Carolyn & I in San Fran, the Herceptin Advisory Panel girls, and of course Tessa and Jessie decorating the gingerbread house today (I think they did a great job).

Blessings

This Sunday, we are having Tessa blessed at WSUU. Reverend Peg sent out part of the script for that event, which reads:


Sunday, during the blessing ritual, I will ask all the parents (we have thirteen children involved) to answer at the same time "I DO" to this
question:
Peg: Parents, your job is the most important job in our society. Do you promise that, to the best of your abilities, you will help your children to love themselves, to love others without prejudice, to gain an ever evolving appreciation of truth & beauty, and to achieve a deepening understanding of
how to live lives of good character and compassionate living? If so,
please say "I do"
Parents: I do.

I am thrilled to do this with and for Tessa. The congregation will also read their promises to the children, to help them grow in a loving and supportive environment, etc. I am grateful to have found this type of community, and to give Tessa the gift of support in her quest to be the best person that she can be.

Because this is not a typical Christian church, and because this fellowship embraces many world traditions and not just Christian ones, we have not invited a large group to attend the blessing ceremony. We wish to be respectful of our family members' Christian beliefs, and understand that there are those in our family who may feel uncomfortable with the liberal nature of our beliefs. For that reason, we are not sending out invitations or having a party etc. for this event; we're being pretty quiet about it. I am mentioning it here, though, to say that I am happy about this part of our spiritual evolution, and grateful that we have found a spiritual home. This is one further step in our commitment to spirituality, and I feel strongly that we are on the right path for us.

I thought I'd use the blog today to share my thoughts on the subject. Our church encompasses many world traditions and beliefs, and is as liberal as they come, but there are commonalities with Christian traditions. The blessing is akin to a dedication or christening. It is about love, commitment, values, and spirituality. I hope that our friends and family who come from a strong Christian faith can celebrate these similarities with us, and share in the understanding that we are striving to make the world a better place together. Our approach might be different, but there are important similarities, as well.

Christmas Cards

If you get one of my Christmas cards (I wish I could say that I sent them to everyone but as time and money are short it was a smaller list than "everyone"!) I wonder, sincerely, what your reaction will be.

The part of me that chose the photo thinks, "This is a picture of our family having fun together, looking ahead to the future, dreaming, laughing." Another part of me thinks "What was I thinking?!" You can decide for yourself what you think. ;-)

This year I am really, really, really trying to simplify my holiday season. I am trying to keep spending in check by making homemade gifts and shortening my giving-list (please note: I love everyone as much and more than before - the lack of giving is NOT a lack of love, but an attempt to rein in our finances and focus on time and love not stuff); I am trying not to overcommit; I'm trying to enjoy the pleasures of the season (hot coffee while sitting by the tree; singing Christmas carols to myself as I do chores; parties but not too many...) instead of feeling the dreaded "should" and "rush" that I usually feel. I did not write a single word in my cards...it would have been nice, but I would have felt rushed and stressed (and late - there is no way I could have gotten them out in time). We did not have a cocktail party. We're taking it easy...and that feels good right now. Maybe another year I'll try to do a Martha Stewart imitation, but this year I'm trying to just relax and enjoy.

Home from San Fran

Just a note to let everyone know that I am home and well. The trip was great; incredible women, interesting work, a nice hotel (nothing compares with the Ritz, but still, it was nice), and of course the incomparable Carolyn.

I have been reading (especially on the airplane ride home) the book "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron (sp?), which was a gift from Adrienne after my meltdown, and I can't tell you how much I am getting out of it. I'm receptive to the messages in it, and I feel like I'm learning so much. It is about dealing with loss and pain and grief, but also about meditation, joy, anger, fear, intellect....it's brilliant so far. I am ready to be a student.

Since my meltdown, I feel like everything has changed. The book tells me that the meltdown might have been a great turning point in my life, and I tend to agree. I am reinterpreting everything through new eyes, and I'm open to many things because I have to be. What I mean is, when things are going well, I'm not looking to change much because I have no incentive to do so. But now, when things have fallen apart and everything feels uncertain, it makes sense to be open and to try new things. Hey, it can't hurt.

In the book there is a story about a boy and a snarling, barking, ferocious dog. As the dog growls and runs toward the boy, the boy runs, too....toward the dog. The dog, startled, turns and runs away. The author suggests that this should be our approach to fear, and that only by running INTO the fear can we save ourselves. It's an interesting idea, and I'm thinking about it.

I'm tired; this much isn't new. I still feel unlike myself, and that is filled with uncertainty and I feel uncomfortable with the uncertainty. But I'm starting to feel that it will be okay, that I will find joy. I'm on a mission to do so.

Flooding update

Just a quick update here...

Fortunately, the heavy rains stopped on Monday evening, and since then, our basement has been drying out. We were able to confine the flooding to the laundry-room, office, and the landing at the bottom of the basement stairs, so only perhaps 15 or 20 square feet of carpeting plus a nice area rug was damaged (the rest of it was concrete floor). Unfortunately, that carpet is currently stinking up our house. We've got fans and heaters on it, but a most unpleasant, moldy, "old" smell is invading our basement and wafting its way upstairs - UGH.

We are going to have to replace the carpet, and since it's the same (30 year old) carpet throughout the entire basement, we will probably have to re-do the whole basement. That's going to cost us a pretty penny, so we'll have to see when we do it. I think we're going to put in vinyl or marmoleum flooring in the laundry/office area, because we just might get another flood some time. (sigh)

However, the Home Depot guy showed me a concrete sealing product that he said may help with future problems. After Christmas, when things aren't so crazy, we'll do that, and put flooring on top of it. Fingers crossed that such a simple problem works, because the alternative (French drains) would run us about $10,000 and we are not prepared for that kind of cost.

And in other news...

I leave tomorrow for a Genentech advisory board. I was going to spend a night with Carolyn and family, but poor Zach has both the stomach flu AND strep throat, and unfortunately I don't have the guts to risk getting either of those illnesses, especially when I'm out of town and it's the holidays. Darn it! I was looking forward to hanging out with their family. Anyway, unless I delay my trip by a day, I'll be gone Thurs-Sun (though I may be able to change flights; I'm waiting to talk to my reps to see what they advise tomorrow).

Love to all - I'm off to bed.

Flooding

Well, today could have been better. Of course, it could have been worse, but it definitely could have been better.

Today it is pouring rain in Seattle. Not your average misty Seattle style rain, but really coming down in buckets, without letting up. (This is also not average for Seattle; even on a rainy day there are usually periods of clearing.) The ground is so saturated that the ground water has nowhere to go...except into our basement.

Since about 8am, Ryan has been using the wet and dry vac on our basement floors, primarily in the laundry room and office aka kitchenette downstairs (originally a MIL kitchen, we use it for an office). The water has been coming in as fast as we can bail it out, which has been frustrating and back-breaking work. (Ryan calculates that the wet and dry vac holds about 100 pounds of water, which he has been lifting into the utility sink to drain it out many times per hour.) I borrowed a smaller vac from the Hisatomi's, and tried to do my share, while keeping up with Tessa, etc.

Ugh.

Ryan had to use a vacation day to do this work - what a drag!

Hopefully tomorrow will be better. It's not raining at the moment and so we're hoping for a reprieve....

Arghhhh matey!

Here is Tessa in her pirate attire earlier this month. Jessie had a pirate party, and all the kids dressed up. This may be the last time Tessa wears a goatee - we'll see! I asked if she wanted to be a boy pirate or a girl pirate, and she looked at me like it was a foolish question and said "BOY!" She's moved to a stage where not everything is princesses and pink any more - the other day she and her friends were playing dressup and one was a princess, one was a mermaid, and Tessa was a "mean witch." It's fun to see her develop this other side of her imagination, taking on various roles, playing with ideas, and getting creative with her costuming.

(But she still wants to be a princess sometimes, and this makes me glad, too.)

Slogging

Well, today I feel the opposite of yesterday...grouchy.

Maybe it has to do with the fact that I have a UTI. I went to the doctor this morning after a particularly sleepless night and discomfort/pain. I got the first symptoms last Friday, so this is day six, and it was time to get antibiotics. Ugh.

I was busy running around, like usual, but today I have a bad attitude.

The Lexapro is working!

Today I went to the gym again (yeah for me) and I happened to be running on a treadmill positioned near two mirrors, so I could see myself from both the front and side views. I was wearing my hair pulled back in a barrette from the front, and long in the back, and as I ran, I could see my brunette waves bouncing up and down in rhythm to my steps. These small facts - that I could run, that I had long hair, that it was long enough to bounce - filled me with joy. I found myself smiling and just feeling happy, remembering how far I've come. It wasn't that long ago that I was bald and could barely imagine looking or feeling normal again...and yet here I was, running my heart out, with bouncing hair.

And then it struck me - I haven't felt that kind of happiness in months. Honestly, I don't remember the last time I just felt smiley over a small thing like that, and it has occurred to me that this is how I used to feel most of the time, smiling over little things, and it feels so damn GOOD. I really think that the Lexapro is working - it was the first time I've felt like myself in way, way, way too long.

Thanksgiving pics

Our house has nearly recovered from Thanksgiving, and after a relaxing weekend, I have too. I went to the gym yesterday and took my first proper yoga class in a couple of years, and it was relaxing and wonderful (despite my inability to do everything due to range of motion yada yada yada).

My lovely sister-in-law Kerri celebrated five years since her diagnosis at Thanksgiving. I am particularly thankful for that. I really enjoy Kerri's company and we have much better things to bond over than breast cancer treatment, though we share that experience. It amazes me to think that there were three cancer survivors at our table(s): Kerri, myself, and Josiah (nine and a half years out from diagnosis). I hate stupid cancer, but I am grateful that our family has - so far - survived it.

Here are a few pics from the day. Thanks to Scott & Susan for sharing them with us.

The vision fulfilled

Yesterday was crazy - all of the usual busy-ness of hosting a big event at home. All that food - dishes galore, cleaning galore, etc. It was a bit tiring (ha!) and I'm glad it's behind me.

However, it was utterly and completely worth it.

There were a few moments prior to the meal being served when I was working in the kitchen, with many hands helping me, and I could hear laughter from just about every room in the house, and I couldn't help but smile. Everyone was helping, and everyone seemed to be having a good time.

And then, it was time for the meal. We stood in a circle, holding hands, to say grace, and I was overcome with the loveliness of it all. Twenty relatives, all in one room, enjoying one another. Three big tables filled to overflowing with food and drink. The "adult" table was sparkling with gold and white china; the "kid" (the oldest kids are legally able to drink...!) table was decked out in my blue and white dishes. There were candles lit, and classical music playing in the background. I am grateful to have been able to create this experience, and I'm proud of my part in it.

Some families don't enjoy one another. That is not the case in the Surface clan. I believe that everyone had a good time, and I think that the sound of laughter was good testimony of that.

The Weitz's (Ryan's sister and family) are still visiting with us, though they're off visiting Lynn's sister this afternoon. Tonight, we dine on leftovers.

Tomorrow, Michele & I are off to the gym together - that treadmill has my name on it, and there's a yoga class I've been wanting to take. I'm afraid to step on a scale for a couple of days, but I know what I need to do, and I'm looking forward to doing it.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

And now...bring on Christmas! I brought down the Christmas CDs, put up our wreath, and put out a few Christmas decorations today. Hurrah! Next weekend, we'll put up the tree....

Almost Thanksgiving

The butternut squash soup is done now; the bathrooms are scrubbed; the sheets are changed; the towels are folded and ready; the refrigerator is full; more cranberry nut loaf is being made; the lawn is mowed and raked (thanks, Ryan!)....it's almost time.

I have decided that tomorrow is a no-counting day for Weight Watchers. Nobody ever got fat in a day, and I'm going to enjoy the tastiness of the day...especially after I've put so much effort into it. On Friday I can "behave" again without feeling deprived. I've lost another .6, I think, and I'd like to keep it off...but tomorrow I will not stress.

(I could get fat on appetizers alone tomorrow. Blue cheese ball, summer sausage, salmon dip, artichoke dip, brie, crackers, cashews, cinnamon nuts.....)

Tonight there's still work to do. I'm behind on folding laundry, and I want to make more cranberry bread and get the mashed potatoes done. I'll do the stuffing tomorrow morning, and I'll do the green beans and salad tomorrow, too. Just setting up all the tables will take some work, but that's okay! It'll all work out somehow. :-)

Linda, Lynn, and their three kids will be here tonight, so I bet I'll be pretty busy. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Preparing for Thanksgiving

I have been busy readying myself for Thanksgiving - every day is packed with things to do. Of course I'd like the house to be spotless for all of our guests, but at this point I may settle for "reasonably clean" because it's a never-ending game of catch-up on that account.

(Note to prospective owners of black labs: Black labs are, in my limited experience, wonderful pets. Shep is sweet, loving, playful, gentle, silly, friendly, great with kids, good with the cat, and a pleasure to be around. HOWEVER - you have never seen so much dog hair on a floor in your life. I sweep and vacuum all the time, but to no avail. You'd think the poor dog would be bald with all that shedding, but instead, he simply has a never-ending supply of dog hair which follows behind him, leaving a trail. He's worth it, and yet....!)

We purchased an organic turkey at the Farmer's Market this weekend, and it's defrosting in the downstairs fridge. We also picked up potatoes (Yukon Gold, my favorite) for mashing, and butternut squash that I will roast and turn into soup tomorrow (to be served as a starting course, with spiced pecans as a garnish - delicious). Today I went to Trader Joe's, and picked up all kinds of things, pretty much filling the cart to overflowing. I'm serving honey baked ham, in addition to the turkey, to round things out.

This afternoon I made the cranberry sauce, and a couple of loaves of cranberry nut bread. I'll make more cranberry nut loaf later today, as it will be great for snacking on for breakfast or anytime.

I settled on a simple green bean dish with shallots and butter -sounds good to me, and easy enough to prepare at the last minute. I'm going to do a stuffing (some say dressing) with roasted chestnuts, sage, and sausage...yumm. (I may actually do two kinds of stuffing: one type for the bird, one type for the pan. I like an apple-celery-walnut stuffing, too....) I haven't decided yet if I'm going to make the stuffing a day in advance (don't worry, I wouldn't put it in the bird until the last minute) or make it the morning of...but I have all of the ingredients now, so I'm set there.

But despite all of my food talk - and I do love food - it's not about the food. It's about making people feel welcome in our home, ensuring that Tessa feels the traditions that come with these foods, and enjoying the companionship of family. It's a rare treat to have 20 people together in the Surface clan, and one that I intend to enjoy thoroughly. Tessa will love being with all of her cousins, and sharing her life with them and vice versa, and I will enjoy watching that.

I am incredibly grateful that life allows me this opportunity. Not only am I in good enough health to be able to throw this kind of party, but I (we) have a lovely home that will (somehow!) accomodate this large crowd. I'm grateful that we live in a part of the world that is filled with good things to eat that are available to us; as I think about that I think about the situation in Darfur and how grateful I am that I am given the luxury of choosing from so many dishes to share with my family, when it could be otherwise. I am grateful that I married into such a loving and large family, where people are kind, fun, loving, and good to one another.

I am, most of all, grateful for Ryan and Tessa. Words can not say how much.

I am also grateful to come from a large and loving family - my birth family (Dahls, Goddards, Gribbles, Smalls, Ochoas, Lyons) - will not be with me this holiday, but I will feel their love and support, because we are close. I am grateful for that. (I am also grateful that I will not be hosting all those other people this time....20 is enough, thank you!)

I am grateful that though I've been through the pit of hell, I'm coming out. Not unscathed, but coming out. Physically, mentally, emotionally, I've been through the ringer, and I'm working it out. I'm coming to terms with it. I still see my therapist (this morning, as a matter of fact), and I like the Lexapro so far (I actually think I can feel it kicking in), and I'm dealing. Some days are easier than others, but I'm not in the throes of despair now - thank God.

And now, off to get the cranberry loaves out of the oven, then off to preschool to pick up Tessa. We're going to Lincoln Park (with Shep, for those of you who have seen the news....he LOOKS intimidating, even though he's not, and he's a good sidekick) so Tessa can burn off energy, then I'll come home to keep on cooking and cleaning.

I am thankful. In case I don't get to post here again before the holiday, Happy Thanksgiving. I hope that you have much to be thankful for, as well.

PS Monday is my weigh-in day for Weight Watchers (I do it at home; we have a digital scale). I lost 2.4 pounds my first week - wahoo! I'd like to lose 8.4 additional pounds, but I can feel the difference already and I'm very happy with that. I'm being very careful to watch what I eat this week, because on Thanksgiving I will splurge somewhat (stuffing + gravy + cranberry sauce = delicious), remembering that it's what I do in the long run that matters most, and one day will not ruin a week's efforts. I'm also trying to remember that Thanksgiving and Christmas are days, not months, so I will treat myself to decadent food on those days, but not the entire month in between.

Sharing poetry

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of th rain
Are moving across the landscapes,
Over prairies and the deep trees,
The mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
Are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
The world offers itself to your imagination,
Calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -
Over and over announcing your place
In the family of things.

Wednesday

My head is filled with thoughts of my online friend. I will not post of her here every day, and I may not talk about her, but I think of her all the time. My thoughts and prayers are flying out into the universe on her behalf.

And yet, my life is here, going on.

I'm getting ready for Thanksgiving, and realizing of course that I'm behind before I even get started! There will be 20 at our table....that's a crowd under any circumstances! It'll be a zoo but I can't wait. The entire Surface family - except David, away at college - will be in attendance. The "kid" table will have cousins ranging from age 4 to age 22 if I remember the top age correctly...I think I'd better call it "the cousins table" instead of "the kid table" or they'll gang up on me! LOL

I am delighted to host the holiday; it's a treat to have the extended family together and with it spread through Seattle, Kirkland, Portland, Gladstone, and Spokane, and with such busy lives for all, it's not easy to get everyone together. I don't know how families spread across the country do it - we're only in two states and that is difficult enough. Our house is not at all designed for such a large group but nobody seems to mind - it will be a happy chaos.

I love traditional Thanksgiving food. This year I'm doing a stuffed turkey (slightly smaller than usual because I'm buying an organic bird, and they don't grow as large as the non-organic ones), a honey baked ham, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, salad (with pomegranate seeds, my new favorite salad), fresh cranberry sauce, and some kind of TBD veggie dish (I have a stack of magazines to go through for recipes). Since the Surface7 are vegetarian, they're also bringing tofurkey, and everyone is bringing something like pies or rolls or salads etc. We won't run out of food, that's certain.

Okay, off to get organized. Now where to begin....?

I have to pace myself. My energy levels are NOT even close to normal, so I have to figure out how to do this stuff without crashing.

Hungry

Day one on WW and I'm hungry! I've eaten healthy snacks. I've discovered that two small satsuma oranges are only a half point, and I've eaten four of them today. I've eaten light string cheese and cashews in the hope that the protein would fill me up. Still, I'm hungry!

I'm trying to remember something I heard once: that hungry feeling is the feeling you get when you're losing weight.

I remember from before that the first week is the hardest, as the body adjusts to the new regimine, but after that it gets much easier.

Mondays are always new starts

This morning I am re-beginning my Weight Watchers journey. I signed up for the online program, instead of attending meetings this time. I am certain that I will have success - WW has worked so well for me in the past, and the reason that I have gained a few pesky pounds is that I have utterly ignored all of the good habits that I learned and practiced while on WW before. I plan to wear a sassy dress at New Year's...it shouldn't be too hard to be back to my favorite weight by then.

I am reminding myself that my risk of recurrence may be cut by 60-70% by keeping lean and fit. I am reminding myself that I am at higher than average risk for heart disease (family history and medications that I currently take), and that there is diabetes in my family, and that healthy choices will reduce those risks. I remind myself that my mind goes to dark places, and it can't help but to feel better about myself. I remind myself that at my healthiest weight, I feel more energetic, and I could really stand to feel some extra energy these days.

And here is the post that I have hesitated to write.

Last week, I learned that one of my favorite YSC members, who has the same stage breast cancer as myself, was just diagnosed with mets. Her doctors, while hesitant to put numbers on it, said that without treatment, she would have weeks left; with treatment, she has months. Two weeks ago, she was just like me. Now, she's suffering facial paralysis, liver mets, and possible mets to brain, bone, and lung. She's coming to terms with "putting her affairs in order" even as she hopes for the best.

This woman is sassy, spunky, and smart. She's a mother - her daughter is younger than Tessa. She's got energy and zest, she's incredibly sassy, and her intelligence shines through. Even though we've never met, I feel a connection to her.

The news hits me very, very hard. On the heels of Melinda's death, it hits even harder.

Many people tell me how lucky I am that I am cured. Many people tell me how fortunate it is that I was diagnosed at an early stage. Many people tell me that I am just fine. But here is the thing: I'm not cured. And early stage doesn't always mean anything.

I may live a long time. I may not. The uncertainty can feel crippling. It is baffling.

So, please remember this. I am no longer in chemo, or radiation, and I look healthy and normal and strong, but the word "cured" is not used in breast cancer. Please remember that I live with that knowledge, and that while I wish to be optimistic, and while I am hopeful, I am also fearful. The fear isn't foolish, and it can not be dismissed. Indeed, it should not be dismissed, because it is part of my reality. My fear is as real as my hope; they walk hand in hand.

Please put in a good thought, prayer, wish, or whatever you call it for my online friend. And if you have some thoughts, prayers, or wishes to spare for me as I struggle with these ideas, I would appreciate that, too.

My friend Adrienne loaned me a copy of "Eat, Pray, Love" and I'm two thirds of the way through. This book speaks to me as if it was written just for me, and the author's humor and wit in the face of her spiritual journey are refreshing and intelligent. As I struggle with my own life's questions, I'm looking for wisdom in all kinds of places, and it is helpful to hear of others' journeys.

I'm trying to eat healthfully, mindfully, consciously. I'm praying for myself and my friend. And I'm trying to love in the middle of it all. So simple, and so complicated.

Happy Monday, everyone. In Seattle it's wet and rainy, and I don't mind. I'm going to force myself to put on rainboots and take Tessa for a walk - she will jump in the puddles and Shep will strain at the leash out of the joy of being out, and it will remind me why I'm fighting so hard.

Foggy

Today was a misty day; the fog is both inside my head and out. I feel like the weather looks - I'm there, but it's hard to make out the details and everything has a surreal feeling. In moments of clarity I see myself so clearly, with a bright and optimistic future ahead of me, but in the moments of fog I can't find my way.

Anyway.

This evening Scott, Karen, and Fiona, along with their dog Sitka, will arrive for the weekend. I'm very much looking forward to visiting, and "the homies" are coming over for dinner Friday night (I'm trying out a crockpot recipe - pork tenderloin with granny smith apples and fresh cranberries) at our house, which will be great, as that crowd isn't often together. I'm worried that by 5pm I'll be my antisocial self, though, and that I will be too tired to enjoy myself. I'm going to pace myself, and just cross my fingers and hope for the best. (The best being clarity, and not fog. Where IS my energetic self? Who is this new, whiny, tired self?)

Thinking

This morning I met my new shrink (I use this term affectionately...!). She seems quite nice. I didn't get any revelations, as mostly we reviewed my history, but we made progress there so I hope that next time we can work on resolving my issues and getting some tools for moving forward.

The whole thing is hard work - ugh. I'd rather take a nap.

Manual labor

Usually, my manual labor is limited to washing dishes, mopping floors, and carrying large baskets of laundry up and down stairs. Today, however, after a leisurely morning, church, and lunch at the Alki Cafe, the whole family pitched in to do yard work. We did weeding, bulb planting, and lots of leaf raking and disposal, and all I can say is "MAN am I going to be sore tomorrow!" I am really, truly out of shape.

Still, the work is its own reward, and I'm glad to have a yard that looks a bit better, with the promise of spring flowers. I think we're going to buy more bulbs, because we only had one bag of crocuses, and now we're inspired to plant much more than that. I love tulips, and last year it looked like our tulip crop was smaller than usual (maybe squirrels got to the bulbs); I'd also like to plant irises because they were Melinda's favorite flower and she requested that the YSC girls plant them in her memory. (We already have some in our yard, but I imagine them in profusion on one corner, like a Van Gogh painting.)

Shep ran around the back yard with Ryan, filled with joy; Tessa discovered different kinds of worms and caterpillars and gleefully showed them all off to us. (I am learning not to cringe, even for millipedes - ack!)

A quiet family day. I'm glad that we joined WSUU, and I'm glad that we worked together. Tessa can say "I planted those bulbs!" when the crocuses come up, and I think she'll love that.

And now I'm so, so, so tired. Old news, but still surprising to me.

Sunday

(Happy daylight savings - don't forget, "fall back.")

Yesterday I had a lovely day. In the morning we went to C&P, and ran into the Wards, as well as Elena & Jim, and some other coffee shop regulars, and had a great time. Tessa, Elena and I hung out at our house for a while, and Ryan went for a bike ride, and then I took off for the afternoon and evening. I met up with Bryona and Lori at SAM, and we spent the afternoon at the museum, shopping, and dining....with lots of chatting thrown in.

Lovely.

Ryan and Tessa went to Paul & Libby's for dinner, and though I was genuinely sad to miss an opportunity to hang out with them, I am determined not to spend my time rushing, and since I'd already made plans with Bryona and Lori I didn't want to rush off. This was right for me; I'm tired of doing too much. I will look forward to visiting with Paul & Libby properly next time, with no commitments except them.

In a couple of hours we'll go to church, and I'm looking forward to it. It has become a highlight in my week, and I'm glad to make it official.

Love,
Kristina

Ahhh-chooooo! and Joining WSUU

Tessa is at home with a cold. She alternates between full energy and lethargy, and it's "just a cold" but it's a hassle for her and I! I kept her out of preschool yesterday and today, and we've been laying low. Today we might go to a park (less chance of her spreading the cold outdoors, while at preschool it's an enclosed area with lots of shared toys) or run an errand or two, but we're laying low once again.

I'm grateful that the cold didn't come on before Halloween, and that we got to enjoy ourselves for the holiday, but I am sad that Tessa is missing preschool. She missed a couple days at the beginning of the month due to a cold as well - arghhh! Hopefully we're just getting all the winter colds over with early.

I'm fighting a bit of the cold myself, which makes my fatigue worse. Everything makes my fatigue worse, so this isn't surprising.

In other news...
We are officially joining WSUU this weekend. Ryan and I talked about it quite a bit, and I feel very good about the decision. I feel like I'm learning a lot there, and that I find myself reflecting on the ideas from the service throughout the week and beyond. It's very calming and peaceful to me, and I am certainly seeking that in my life. I am a little concerned about creating too many commitments in my life, and there are circle suppers, meditation groups, bookclubs, and many other groups to join as a part of this church, should I choose to, but we're going slowly at first while we make room for this big commitment. I feel in my deepest heart that this is good for me, and that we will be a part of this fellowship community for a long time to come. I have always considered myself spirtual, but not religious, and this is the first place where I have found like-minded individuals; it's the first religious environment that fits my spirituality. Ryan feels as I do about it, and I think that it's good for us as a couple as well as indivudually.

We are glad to have a spiritual background for Tessa, and think that it will help to shape her in positive ways. We like the children's program as much as the adult program, and like the idea that Tessa will have another positive influence in her life to help her to make decisions and guide the person that she is becoming.

Here is some background on the UU faith for those who are wondering what it's all about:
http://www.uua.org/visitors/index.shtml

And here is a link to 100 FAQs that non-members ask about UUism:
http://www.uunashua.org/100quest.shtml

There are seven principles which Unitarian Universalist congregations affirm and promote:
The inherent worth and dignity of every person;
Justice, equity and compassion in human relations;
Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations;
A free and responsible search for truth and meaning;
The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large;
The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all;
Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.

Unitarian Universalism emerged from two different religions: Unitarianism and Universalism. Both Unitarianism and Universalism started in Europe hundreds of years ago. The Universalist Church of America was founded by 1793, and the American Unitarian Association by 1825. In 1961, these denominations consolidated to form the new religion of Unitarian Universalism.

Our local fellowship's website is http://www.wsuu.org/ .

Halloween pics

The camera is pretty much kaput - ARGHHHH! Anyway, I was able to get 5 pics before the battery died. Tessa and Elena - enjoy!

Pre-Halloween Pictures

Today at preschool there was a little Halloween party (since her class doesn't meet on Wednesdays) and I was able to take a couple of pictures before my camera died (there's a vent for another time - five year old digital cameras are dinosaurs).

The pictures aren't great and I couldn't zoom and they don't show any details...more to come after Halloween, I promise!

The preschool show was melt-a-mother's-heart-adorable. The children lined up on a stage in their costumes, and sang three different Halloween songs with hand motions. The children were so proud of themselves, and it was delightful. It was also Tessa's first public performance. I can't believe I didn't video it - ack! Next time.

Watching a mind open up

Tessa is in a growth spurt. In addition to growing two inches between April and September (she's 42 inches now), her mind is just blossoming before my eyes. I'm watching it in her peers, too: as they approach five years old, they seem to just take off, absorbing so much more than before, with so many things just clicking.

Sometimes, this means that I'm awestruck by her creativity, awareness, and knowledge; sometimes it means unwieldy meltdowns that leave me more dumbfounded than awestruck. I truly believe that the poor kid can't keep up with herself right now, and she just melts down as a result.

Right now, she's upstairs, transcribing the names of her friends, which I've written on a piece of paper. I wrote perhaps a dozen names down in upper and lower case, and she is actually able to read them. Now, she knows that it's a list of names of people she knows, so she has that very good clue, but she's able to differentiate between Elena and Emma or Lexi and Liam, and this surprises me. Needless to say, it also delights me. Ryan and I love to read, and try to read every day, and watching our daughter develop a love of reading as well fills me with happiness.

(In addition to loving that she loves something near and dear to me, it eases my heart to think that she'll have a bit more ease at school if she considers herself a reader....it just paves the way for so much. I don't care if she's a straight A student, but I do hope that she'll enjoy school and enjoy learning, and reading is such an important part of that.)

Speaking of reading, I need to read my bookclub book by Thursday. It's short, but it's a murder mystery, so I've been holding off....my all too active imagination can't handle murder stories very well and with the darkness of my mood and thoughts I haven't looked forward to this. It's a local author, though, and I'm enjoying the prospect of bookclub in general.

Working out

I finally made it to the gym today, for perhaps the first time in two months. Yes, months. Leading up to my surgery I felt like "what's the point" (a truly irrational approach, and I knew that even at the time, but I couldn't get past the feeling) and then afterwards I wasn't to sweat or move too much. I was given clearance to work out last Thursday, but it took me a few days to get it together.

I didn't do much - mostly walking on the treadmill. I was tempted to run, but I knew that I'd burn out too quickly, and since I've been such a couch potato I wanted to re-enter slowly. I also did some stretching exercises on my upper body; I am so stiff.

Anna is over, and she and Tessa are playing contentedly. Their friendship has really grown recently, and I love to see how much they enjoy one another.

I'm still struggling, but I'm trying to accept my baby steps.