Home from San Fran

Just a note to let everyone know that I am home and well. The trip was great; incredible women, interesting work, a nice hotel (nothing compares with the Ritz, but still, it was nice), and of course the incomparable Carolyn.

I have been reading (especially on the airplane ride home) the book "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron (sp?), which was a gift from Adrienne after my meltdown, and I can't tell you how much I am getting out of it. I'm receptive to the messages in it, and I feel like I'm learning so much. It is about dealing with loss and pain and grief, but also about meditation, joy, anger, fear, intellect....it's brilliant so far. I am ready to be a student.

Since my meltdown, I feel like everything has changed. The book tells me that the meltdown might have been a great turning point in my life, and I tend to agree. I am reinterpreting everything through new eyes, and I'm open to many things because I have to be. What I mean is, when things are going well, I'm not looking to change much because I have no incentive to do so. But now, when things have fallen apart and everything feels uncertain, it makes sense to be open and to try new things. Hey, it can't hurt.

In the book there is a story about a boy and a snarling, barking, ferocious dog. As the dog growls and runs toward the boy, the boy runs, too....toward the dog. The dog, startled, turns and runs away. The author suggests that this should be our approach to fear, and that only by running INTO the fear can we save ourselves. It's an interesting idea, and I'm thinking about it.

I'm tired; this much isn't new. I still feel unlike myself, and that is filled with uncertainty and I feel uncomfortable with the uncertainty. But I'm starting to feel that it will be okay, that I will find joy. I'm on a mission to do so.