Another bee in my bonnet: Plastic

(Warning: Long and rambling post. I know, most of my posts should have this warning, but this one in particular. I "crafted" it as I was doing online research, and so it's a rather organic writing process, and rather un-edited. This one could stand some editing, but alas, it's time to make dinner. Editing later...or not.)

This time it's about plastics.

There are all kinds of things in the news lately about BPA - a toxic chemical - that emits from plastics. Plastics that are used for water bottles, and even plastics that are used for baby bottles. (I signed a petition, and found out today that it worked: Babies'R'Us has promised to eliminate bottles with BPA from their stores by the end of the year. I'm not even going to ask what makes them think it's okay for babies to drink toxins for the rest of this year, until the change occurs....but it makes my blood boil to think of it.)

Still, I digress.

All this plastic talk has me thinking. My "Cousin Diana" - a lovely, intelligent woman who is actually my mother's cousin - has done research on plastics for years, focusing on their toxicity to humans. She's been telling us for YEARS that plastics are terrible for us, and I confess that I've been slow to listen. Now I'm embarassed that I didn't listen better, because even mainstream media sources are talking about their levels of toxicity, and changes in production are being made. In the meantime, I've been injesting poisonous plastic molecules for years, thinking that I was "safe" because I didn't microwave plastics. Ouch.

And producing plastic produces toxins that go into our air, landfills, water. Ouch again. And most of the plastic stuff we use DOES go to a landfill, and rather quickly, where it does not degrade in our lifetimes, or the lifetimes of our grandchildren, or their grandchildren. Ouch, ouch, ouch.

So, today's project is getting rid of plastic stuff from my kitchen, and doing more research on BPAs.

According to the BRITA corporate website, their filters and containers are all BPA free. Excellent news - our family loves cold, filtered water. Still, I think that given that the production of those filters inevitably produces by products and the filters end up in a landfill, I'm going to phase ours out. Seattle has some of the cleanest drinking water in the world, and this is fortunate for us. Our water often tests "cleaner" than bottled waters, so it should not be an issue to discontinue filtering it. Instead, we'll drink tap water that we place in a glass pitcher in the fridge. Maybe in the long term we'll look at a permanent filter attached to our kitchen sink, instead of the BRITA in the fridge. (This works for us because our water supply is so great. When I've traveled in the US, I've been horrified at the chlorinated taste of some water supplies, and in Orlando I distinctly recall the chlorine/swamp taste of their tap water. If I didn't live here or some other place with "great" water, it would be worth it to filter my water, even if the plastic filter went into a landfill.)

Tessa sometimes drinks out of plastic cups, and they're OUTTA HERE. She's plenty old enough to drink out of glass, which she usually does anyway.

We sometimes store leftovers in plastic containers (Tupperware/Rubbermaid/Gladware/whatever), and I'm eliminating those, too. Costco sells a Pyrex set of storage containers that is a good deal, and it's now on my list. They have plastic lids, but still, this eliminates 75% of the plastic (glass bottoms) and the parts that the food touches are glass, not plastic.

I'm now looking for a good alternative for Ryan's biking bottles, which are usually made of cheap plastic (the kinds that SMELLS like plastic....if it's releasing enough molecules to smell, then isn't he drinking plastic molecules, too?). Any ideas? Our "Klean Kanteen" stainless bottles are great, but heavy for a bike. And Ryan drinks out of these bottles daily, so that's a significant source of liquid to him....and I want to keep him healthy. Ideas?

Not all plastics are labeled "bad." BPA isn't in all plastics. Still, I believe that more and more research will be done, and we will find that plastics are NOT benign, and that their production is intensely harmful to the planet, and their injestion is harmful to our bodies. I'm incredibly grateful for plastics, but I believe that we need to use them more judiciously. For example, I'm glad that there were plastic IV tubes to deliver my chemo drugs, and I'm glad to have my iPod which is partially made of plastics...but I'm convinced as well that we need to cut back on our plastic usage. Plastics aren't evil...but I think we need to think more before we create more of them or use them thoughtlessly. They do not come without a price, in my opinion.

And as a breast cancer patient, I'm particularly freaked out that BPAs tend to replicate estrogen in the body, and have been found in tumors. YIKES. I'm seeing some pretty big connections here.

(No, I don't think that we can say a simple, "BPA in plastic bottles caused my breast cancer." But I think we can say "It can't have helped and it may have hurt." It's a hurt I would have loved to avoid. I live with that every day - every day is side effect filled, and I don't talk about it as much as I used to, but suffice it to say that not a minute goes by that my cancer treatment doesn't impact me at a very real and present physical level. Ugh.)

I'm also looking into milk containers: it's often cheaper to buy milk in the gallon size, and our organic milk comes in a plastic container. Here's a radical stance:
http://www.mindfully.org/Plastic/Best-Recycle-Plastic.htm
This organization says that milk jugs are NOT recycled, and that they should be banned. Hmmm!

This website ("Treehugger" - you can guess their politics!) says something unexpected:
http://www.treehugger.com/files/2007/12/milk_jugs_lca.php
They say that it's actually more environmentally friendly to use the plastic jugs. What's up with THAT? Double "hmmmm."

This website talks about plastic recycling symbols....turns out that they label plastic types, NOT the recycle-ability of plastics. Great. :-(
http://www.obviously.com/recycle/guides/common.html

This (slightly off topic) article actually sums it up best for me, and makes the most sense:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/business/2003/nov/23/environment.waste
It says that "Both plastic and carton are cheap and technically recyclable, offering little potential for differentiation. But only carton comes from renewable resources."

I'm having a lot of trouble finding out if plastic milk cartons are healthy, or if paper cartons are healthier....but it seems clear to me that the production of plastics creates excess toxins (compared to paper) and are harder to recycle (the recycling process for plastics isn't all that clean) and plastics can only be recycled so many times before they must end up in a landfill (those labeled "7" are generally not recycleable). I did find out, quite inadvertantly through this search, that when temps are too low for new plant starts, a milk jug with the top cut off makes a perfect little greenhouse for plants to protect them from frost, so at least there's that!

And finally - paydirt! Here is the article I've been seeking:
http://www.greenlivingonline.com/Family/12-ways-to-protect-yourself-against-bpa-chemicals-in-plastics/
From this article, here is a list of 12 ways to protect yourself from BPAs:Protect you and your familyIn the meantime, there are steps that we can take immediately to lessen our exposure to BPA:
Use a metal or glass water bottle
Limit your use of canned goods or choose canned foods from makers who don't use it, such as Eden Foods
Learn how to cook your own foods that you typically buy in cans -- like beans or chickpeas
Choose soups, milk and soy milk packaged in cardboard "brick" cartons, by Tetra Pak and SIG Combibloc, with safer layers of aluminum and polyethylene (#2) that can also be recycled
Use glass food storage containers instead of plastic
Use glass baby bottles or plastic bag inserts made of polyethyelene, or switch to non-clear polypropylene bottles that are labeled #5. Don't buy canned infant formula.
Eat fresh foods in season to reduce your consumption of canned goods
Buy or can your own foods in safe glass jars
Stop using plastic wrap and plastic containers to heat food in microwaves. Ceramic and glass are better.
Throw out any old and scratched plastic bottles or plastic containers
Buy organic wine since many commercial wines can have up to six times the amount of BPA than canned goods
Let your grocer store know you want BPA free cans and are boycotting those products with BPA in them.

The media has focused on plastic baby bottles, but it seems that cans are perhaps an even bigger culprit (to those of us over the age of 2, anyway). Maybe this summer I should can (in glass) my own tomatoes, as that's a canned good that I use often....

And another fabulous document:
http://www.iatp.org/iatp/publications.cfm?accountID=421&refID=102202
This one breaks down the safe and unsafe plastics (as they are currently understood), and even has a nifty slogan to help us remember: "With your food use 5, 4, 1 and 2; all the rest aren't good for you." (My milk jug is a 2, by the way.)


(See? I'm the crazy lady, and getting crazier with every minute. What's funny is that I am starting to love being the crazy lady! I think that I've been crazy all along, and supressing my craziness is what was making me feel crazy. Now that I'm letting my crazies out, I feel much better. Look out, world!)

I'm not going to go 100% on this, because I need practical stuff, too. A few years ago I bought plastic dishes to picnic with, and when we have BBQs we use these instead of paper and plastic products. I think it's better for the environment, and hence my body, to use a reusable plate than a throwaway one, even if it is made of plastic. And there is no way I'm schlepping our heavy dinnerware up and down the deck stairs into the yard each time....it would look very Martha Stewart but I don't have it in me, sorry. (Send me a maid and I'll reconsider.) I'll still use plastic for our camping stuff, too, until we have budget to replace with old-fashioned splatterware metal ones.

I'll also keep a few plastic containers to transport snacks in. I still carry snacks for Tessa in my purse, and I'm not willing to risk breaking them, and I'm not willing to risk breaking my back carrying three varieties of glass with me.

So, I'm not a purist, but I think that I'm making great strides, none-the-less. I'm crazy, sure, but not a total lunatic (yet: jury's out).

Want to know more? Check out:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/16/business/worldbusiness/16plastic.html?ex=1224043200&en=4d20b3af50fc113a&ei=5087&excamp=GGBUbpadanger&WT.srch=1&WT.mc_ev=click&WT.mc_id=BI-S-E-GG-NA-S-bpa_danger

and this older (2003) article:
http://www.foodproductiondaily.com/news/ng.asp?id=29616-potential-danger-in

Sign the petition to remove BPAs from baby bottles:
http://salsa.democracyinaction.org/o/1768/petition.jsp?petition_KEY=1177

Ready to make a small, small change? Do you read this and think "Okay, the crazy lady is changing her world upside down, but I'm not ready to go through the whole kitchen freaking out about this stuff!" Then start small.

Start by simply deciding not to buy bottled water, and to carry your own water bottle instead.

If you do that, you will:
- Stop putting plastic into landfills (please don't tell me that I have to explain why that's a good idea!)
- Reduce production of toxins into our air and water through production of those plastic bottles
- Reduce your carbon footprint (there are studies that show that a single plastic water bottle, of the throwaway variety, might as well contain 1/4 its volume in oil, because that is how many petrochemicals go into its production and transport for sale) and reduce our need for oil as a nation/world
- Help your body - keep the BPAs OUT of your body!
- Feel good. It's such a little, teeny tiny thing to do, but it makes a huge difference.

Want more information? Check this out:
http://www.refillnotlandfill.org/factslinks.html
I do see the irony of my posting THIS website on THIS posting. It's sponsored by Brita. I don't have anything against Brita, and I'm glad they're promoting something healthy....even if I'm not going to use their plastic products.) One of the statistics taken directly from that website is that, on average, each person uses 166 disposable plastic water bottles per year. Picture that in a big pile on your dining room table, and multiply that number times the number of people in your home. See why making a little change (carry a water bottle of your own) can make such a huge difference?

Oh, and here's the frugal thing, too. How much are you PAYING for that water? More than you pay per gallon of gas. Here's a secret: you already have water. It comes through a tap into your home. It's available in drinking fountains and taps at your gym. It's free at your office. You could save money by saving your body by saving the earth....and won't that make you happy?!

Have I convinced you yet? I'm getting pretty passionate here...have I lost you yet?

Ready to pick up a "safe" bottle for refill? I love my Klean Kanteen, and they're available on Amazon.com (we ordered one for each member of our family, and hence didn't pay shipping; there are greener companies than Amazon but I haven't got it all figured out); they're also available at REI (though in limited size choices). There are other brands, as well, that people love equally. I picked Klean Kanteen because it was less costly than some brands, and because stainless steel is so strong it doesn't dent like some of the others do/might do. (However, some of the other brands have very pretty designs painted on them, and mine is rather plain. I put two pink breast cancer bracelets on mine to dress it up and identify it as mine; Ryan has a yellow LiveStrong bracelet on his. Tessa has a smaller size one but amazingly likes hers plain.)

http://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=kleen+kanteen&tag=googhydr-20&index=aps&hvadid=1165886681&ref=pd_sl_1idlvq8rei_b

http://www.rei.com/gear/feature/search/Google/bpa%20free%20bottles/?cm_mmc=ps_google-_-Category%20-%20Camp/Hike-_-Camping%2fHiking_Non_Toxic_Hydration_General-_-BPA&gclid=CPnjnIzVgZMCFQ5biAod4XNswg

And just FYI....just as a disclaimer: No, I don't have any product relationships, except with Genentech, the company that manufactures Herceptin. (Herceptin is my wonderful anti-breast-cancer drug - not the technical term! - and I'm a patient ambassador for them.) Any product that I promote here is because of personal preference, and any website I post is because I found it interesting or valuable, not because of any other reasoning. I certainly don't make any money from keeping a blog, and that is not my purpose here.


While I've been surfing for this information and piling it up in this post, Tessa and Anna have been playing. Now, life calls, and dinner must be made.


I won't even get into the fact that I spent half an hour trying to find shrimp from this continent. I ended up buying shrimp from Bangladesh...or is it Thailand? Anyway, I need a new shrimp source if I'm to try to be local. (But in an effort to be moderate and not completely insane, I bought the shrimp that was part of our menu and didn't give it up....yet.) Another post for another day.

More commited than ever

We had a lovely weekend in Portland. Visiting "Grandma and Bopa" is always fun, and the train was a fun twist (and highly recommended).

While I was gone, I finished reading the David Wann book, and then I came home to a gift in the mail from Carolyn - a new book called, "Farewell, My Subaru" about a guy who decides to move to New Mexico and attempt to live an off-the-grid-petroleum-free lifestyle. (The title is because he has a beloved Subaru with 200,000 miles on it, but he decides to switch over to a giant truck....that runs on bio-diesel, aka vegetable grease, that he gets from fast food resturants.)

All of this reading has me more convinced than ever that I am okay with being "that nut" - the crazy lady who jumps societal ship to do things in new ways. I am more and more convinced that this is less "weird" and more "cutting edge" and that I am finding the wave of the future. My rationale?
- Our planet can not sustain the level of resource use and abuse that it currently takes. We're running out of petroleum (and sometimes paying $4/gallon for gas - ACK!), our water and air are polluted, our biodiversity is in jeopardy, and the things we take for granted are proving themselves to be in short supply.
- Our bodies can not sustain this level of abuse. Our bodies need clean air and water, for instance. And healthy food with vitamins built into it. Don't believe me? Look at cancer rates on the rise. Look at diabetes rates. Look at the rate of heart disease. You might be able to get away with it, and your body might keep you going....but for how long? And what will it take for us to stand up and notice that our bodies are crying out for help?
- We're not happy. Something is inherently wrong in a system where people feel disconnected from community, friends and family. We buy and buy and buy because "they" (marketing, corporations, and even governmental advertising that says "go out and boost the economy!") say it will make us happy. Well, national happiness levels are lower than ever. People are buying, but they're getting stuff, not happiness. Doesn't this tell us something?
- I'm starting to really "get" that we can live much better on our salary than we have been living. We can have all that we need - and more - and have money left over. We can eat well (organic, healthy food) and spend less. Money issues are stressful, and so my happiness increases when I reduce this stress. Much of our spending is bad for the environment (how do they manufacture that plastic stuff, anyway?), so less spending on "stuff" equals better environment, too.

Environment, bodies, happiness, money. All tied together...wow.

So here's what I want. I want to be happy. I want to breathe clean air, to drink clean water. I want to be healthy. I want to live within our means. That's it. The reason for my craziness is that I want these simple things.

Here's what I'm doing right now to get to where I'm going:

Plant a vegetable (and fruit!) garden. Such a simple thing, but it's giving me a lot:
- time outdoors to breathe fresh air and work my body
- fresh food that is as healthy as anything on the planet
- reduced carbon emissions - did you know that the average piece of food travels 2000 miles to get to your table? Well, my garden will travel about 20-40 feet to get to my table. By foot, not by gas powered vehicle, so not producing crap for the environment to deal with and for my body to deal with.
- a sense of well being. I'm not a gardener (au contraire), but I'm realizing that there is something meditative about working the soil, about doing this project as a family. I know what I'm doing and why. Simply put, it's satisfying. Amazing. All this satisfaction from seeds?!
- Improved biodiversity. I'm not buying seeds from Monsanto, I'm buying heirloom vegetables. Why? Because the biodiversity of crops is falling annually, and because this makes crops less pest-resistant, drought resistant, etc. As a result of my eating this crop, I'll get a greater diversity of nutrients, as well. Earth wins, body wins, Monsanto loses. I'm okay with this.

Lowering my house temp (and programming my thermostat).
- We used to keep the house at a steady 69 degrees (when I was first a stay at home mom; I worried about Tessa being cold). I've read that we can cut our heating bill by 3-5% per degree lowered (in the winter; we don't have air conditioning so that's not an issue for us). Well, now we're keeping the house at a high of 66 degrees, and lowering it to 60-62 degrees at night and while we're gone. If costs equates to energy use, then just by putting on a sweater (if you come over and you're cold I'll loan you one!) we're lowering our energy use by something like 15%.
- It's not weird to wear a sweater. It's NORMAL. It's healthy. There is no down side.

Walking, biking, bussing....not driving.
- We live in a great walking community. How often do I go to the Junction? And how often have I DRIVEN to the Junction? That's crazy! We're less than a mile away from grocery stores, Farmer's Market, specialty shops, resturants, coffee shops, art gallery, live theater. A great percentage of the miles I drive are within West Seattle. Well, why not walk? My body loves it. My brain gets endorphins (there's that happy thing again). The environment loves it. It takes a little longer, but even that can be a good thing. I am so tired of rushing! I love those walks with Tessa....we talk, we notice things, we feel the seasonal changes.
- I don't need to tell anyone who knows us that Ryan is a bike fanatic. He's HAPPY when he's on his bike. He's gleeful when he bikes to work....passing all the stopped cars. Good for body, good for soul, good for environment.
- It's not possible to walk or bike everywhere. So I'm adding the bus to my list. We take it downtown whenever possible (so much easier than traffic and parking issues) but I'm trying to use it even more than that. Yesterday, we walked a few blocks from the Amtrak station to a bus stop....and Ryan discovered a beautiful park downtown with a waterfall. We caught the bus, and ran into some friends. I was scrambling to find a quarter (bus fare is $1.50 and I had $1.25 and a $20 bill) and a nice lady gave me a quarter with instructions to "pay it forward" next time I was on the bus.
- I found out that the bus by our house goes to the Target/Westwood Village area. So next time I need to go to the library, Marshall's, or even (sigh) Target, I could bus it. I'm committed to taking the bus even within West Seattle when possible.

Stop buying "stuff."
- When I look around my house, I don't see needs. We have furniture, blankets, clothing. We have decorative stuff (candlesticks, pictures, etc.) We have entertainment (games, television, stereo, even Xbox). Our cupboards and closets and attic are overflowing with things. We "need" very, very little.
- The pursuit of stuff makes me temporarily happy....but then I usually feel bad. The items are often not quite right. I spend too much time in pursuit of these items (shopping) and not enough time in parks, at SAM or the zoo or the aquarium or the beach. Then I spend a ton of time organizing my stuff, cleaning my stuff, getting rid of my stuff (come see us at C&P May 10 for the yard sale!). In short, stuff doesn't make me happy.
- All that stuff produces insane quantities of waste. For every one can of garbage at the household level, 70 cans of "garbage" (including toxins in the air and water) are produced earlier in the production cycle. See http://www.storyofstuff.com/ if you haven't already. I don't want to add to that kind of waste!
- The production of stuff requires huge amounts of petroleum/oil, and that's awful for the environment and my body.
- I shouldn't need to say it, but I will: stuff costs money. Money I could be using to live within my means. Living within my means = feeling happier.

I'm rambling (in the time I've written this email, I've also prepared snacks for girls, done chores, gotten the dog out of mischief, etc.) but I think you're getting the point.

The bottom line? I'm the crazy lady. And I'm okay with that. It's going to get crazier, too. And that makes me happy.

If you're reading this for ideas, and you're not prepared to tear up your lawn to plant a vegetable garden, or you're not ready to retire your car keys, try these simple things instead:

- Replace conventional lightbulbs with energy efficient ones. Major positive impact on the environment, and they're said to last up to 30 times longer.

- Choose something that you eat that's not currently organic, and replace it with organic food. Maybe apples - start small like that.

- Next time you have a small errand, consider walking. Choose a nice day - and walk to the mailbox, the coffee shop, the corner store. Leave your car at home. Enjoy the weather, the flowers, the conversation along the way.

- Find a bag (you've already got one....maybe a lightweight beach bag, maybe a giant purse, maybe a canvas tote, maybe a backpack, or maybe one that they sell at the grocery store) and take it with you whenever you shop. The grocery store, but also any other errands you're doing. Keep those bags out of landfills! This isn't newfangled, this is old school. In Europe, this is what they've been doing "forever."

- Plant something edible in a pot, and grow it organically. Maybe just basil for your kitchen, or maybe a few strawberries, or maybe a tomato plant. Harvest from your small crop, and enjoy the satisfaction of knowing you've done this.

Book discussion?

I am reading a book that is just fascinating me, and though I got it from the library I think I'm going to have to break down and buy it, because it's got so many ideas in it that I can't possibly process all of them at once.

The book is called "Simple Prosperity: Finding Real Wealth in a Sustainable Lifestyle" by David Wann (who is also the author of the book that spawned the PBS special called "Affluenza").

From the back book cover:

"In his bestseller Affluenza, David Wann and his coauthors diagnosed the debilitating disease of overconsumption. Now, in Simple Prosperity, he shows us how we can overome it to recapture a more abundant and sustainable lifestyle without sacrifiing everything we love."

The book is about living greener, living happier, living socially consciously. It is filled with statistics, too, but also practical ideas and advice about how to proceed.

If anyone else is interested, please get yourself a copy of this book (it is available at the library, after all....though one library copy is in my hands right now) and then let me know when you're done with it, because I'd love to talk about it with you. Anyone?

Love,
Kristina

PS We're in Portland, enjoying visiting with Mom & Dad S. and lovely weather, too. Off to adventures at Bob's Red Mill!

Sleepovers and Portland

The girls made it through the night - hurrah! Despite the fact that it was Zoe's first sleepover, she did fabulous, and my little stinker (who has had several sleepovers) stayed up WAY too late with the excitement of it all. Oh well. I still remember sleepovers from when I was young, and styaing up too late and getting in trouble for it is part of that.

(The threat that finally got her to settle down: "If you get out of bed one more time there will be no sleepovers for TWO MONTHS!" Never mind that we only have a sleepover every few months anyway....she was having too much fun to think of that long, and she finally went to sleep.)

I got to visit with Marisa last night, and that was such a treat. We've been good friends since college, and I always love seeing her. (Thank you Marisa for watching Shep this weekend, too.)

Now Zoe is gone, and Tessa and I are home resting. I kept Tessa home from preschool because she slept in late as a result of her late night, and I didn't want her to be (pardon the bad pun given today's events) a train wreck for the grandparents tonight. We'll have a quiet morning together getting ready for Portland instead.

And Portland! Our family is catching Amtrak this afternoon (Ryan will meet us at the station, which is walking distance from his office) from Seattle to Portland to visit Grandma and Bopa. Tessa is over the moon at the idea of a train ride,and Ryan and I are hoping for a nice relaxing trip where we can stroll a little to loosen up our legs, where someone else does the driving, where we can snack, talk, and relax. Gas prices are so awful that we decided that this was a good time to take the train, as when we looked at the cost of gas the train is a particularly good deal. It is also fortunate that we can go to Oregon City, close to Grandma & Bopa's, so they don't have to drive far to get us. The five of us can fit in their car, and they're okay with that, so it should work well.

(I hope I remember why I thought this was a good idea as I schlep a booster seat, suitcase, carry on bag, and child through the train station!)

We haven't been to Portland (or anywhere else, for that matter) in months, and it will be great to see family.

And on that note, off to fill up the suitcase and finish getting ready. Have a great weekend!

Fabulous kids

Tonight Zoe stayed over for a spontaneous sleepover. The girls had a blast....and are both sleeping like angels (fingers crossed that it stays that way). Here's the pictoral proof of their excitement!

Have you seen it yet?

http://www.storyofstuff.com/

It's worth watching it more than once...and if you haven't seen it yet, you're missing out. Set aside 20 minutes and grab a cup of tea, and enjoy....

Pay attention to "the golden arrow of consumption." This is where I'm really focusing my efforts at change for myself. I'm convinced that I can change my life in positive ways by changing the paradigm presented here.

Food for thought. I'm watching it for the 3rd time, and I learn something new every time. It's teaching me ways to change my life in positive ways that feel good....try it! You'll like it!

Sustainable West Seattle

My friend Abby sent this to me - I can't go because I'll be on Orcas but I hope you'll consider attendi------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ SUSTAINABLE WEST SEATTLE FESTIVAL MAY 4 - 10AM to 3PM ALASKA JUNCTION (Alaska & 44th Ave SW) (Across the street from the Farmers Market) http://sustainablewestseattle.org/ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Sustainable West Seattle will be holding its 1st Annual Festival across the street from the Sunday Farmers Market (in the Wells Fargo Bank parking lot) 1 block West of the Alaska Junction this May 4th from 10am to 3pm. The Festival will feature a wide range of sustainability speakers, workshops & exhibitors around the theme of “Building Community, Making Connections”. Special activities will include: a Food Drive for the West Seattle Food Bank, Neighborhood House Green Building bus tours of the new High Point Project, a bicycle maintenance area, and a special “Undriving License” booth where festival-goers can get a free Undriving license along with ten free Metro bus tickets! A Transit Forum addressing issues affecting West Seattle will simultaneously be held one block South of the main Festival site, at Arts West, 4711 California Ave SW. The Transit Forum will feature discussions with Richard Conlin, Dow Constantine, and others. There will also be a presentation and discussion about the Viaduct by the People’s Waterfront Coalition. Sustainable West Seattle is a non-profit organization that educates and advocates for urban sustainability in our local community. The group envisions a West Seattle community of empowered citizens who actively lead one another toward greater self- reliance, local democracy, social justice, and existence in harmony with life on earth. More details about the Festival and SWS, including the Festival poster, a complete program schedule, and a listing of exhibitors, may be found at: http://sustainablewestseattle.org/ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Contacts: Brian Allen - SWS 2008 Festival Coordinator (206) 973-7374 secretary@sustainablewestseattle.org Bill Reiswig - SWS President (206) 883-7040 pres@sustainablewestseattle.org ng!

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Less is more

Yesterday we had too much of a good thing - I booked TOO many good activities.

The morning was nice and slow; I did some chores, Tessa hung out, I drank coffee. Nice. But then the afternoon got crazy.

Tessa and I showed up at Alki early (11am) to pick up Zoe from preschool, and the two of us walked around and viewed the cafeteria, the classrooms, the halls, the gym, etc. (We couldn't go to the library because the WASL was taking place.) Tessa was excited to see "her" school, and to dream of next year's adventures. Then, we picked up sweet Zoe, came home in the car, and walked to the bus stop. We caught the 54 to Seattle, and met Ryan at his office, and the two girls were in fabulous moods and oh-so-sweet and I think Ryan enjoyed showing them off. Next, walking together to the Seattle Art Museum, where we had lunch. The four of us had a nice lunch, and then Ryan headed back to his office and Tessa, Zoe and I headed to the Romans exhibit. (This is one instance where advertising DIDN'T drive me crazy: Tessa kept hearing the exhibit ads on the radio, and she wanted to go, and I was happy to oblige.) Since we have passes to the museum, it wasn't difficult to commit to this. We spent time walking around looking at the Roman art, learning about Roman people, looking at their clothes, mosaics, statues, jewelry, dishware, fountains, and other beautiful objects. The girls asked great questions, and learned a ton - I was so proud of them.

This is where it should have been perfect, but I kept cramming stuff in. I looked at my watch and said, "HURRY! We have to get back!" and the girls and I went back to the bus stop, rushed home to West Seattle, and dropped Zoe off amidst protests that they wanted to play now. Then I rushed with Tessa to Abby's house so Abby & I could chat about the environment, lifestyles, etc. and the kids could play (Gabe is Tessa's age, and they played together really well). An hour and a half later, the kids were having fun, Abby and I were having fabulous conversations...but RUSH! Gotta go!

Home. Scramble to make dinner for the family (a shrimp and broccoli dish from Cooking Light). Ryan came in. Smooch - here's the rest of the dinner instructions (I prepped but he had to stirfry) - and I'm out the door to take the bus to Elliot Bay Book Store to meet Erik.

Erik and I had a great talk about being a stay at home parent, consumerism, and all kinds of stuff. Fabulous.

And I got home at ten, exhausted.

What I need to learn to do is to do all of these things, but spread out over more days. I wouldn't drop a single item on this list, but it would have been mcuh better to break it up and spend more relaxed time on each item, rather than looking at my watch and running half the day.

I am convinced that less is more. I'm convinced that multi-tasking is ruinous. I am convinced that I can not be as compassionate if I'm overbooked.

I want Tessa's childhood to be filled will free time to think, dream, draw, read, run, scamper, play. Not to hear "hurry up!" quite so much.

Okay, so I'm working on it. It was a great day, adn the old me would have thought that a day like that was a day fully lived, but the new me thinks that slowing down would be a better idea.

Learning.

Compassion Talk

Last night a small group of friends who had also seen the Dalai Lama speak came over to talk about compassion, and how to put it into action.

We all struggle with issues of compassion when we are put face to face with unkindness or rude behavior or insensitivity. It is so easy to be compassionate when we are the ones deciding to reach out....and it is so hard to be compassionate when children are having a fit and the phone is ringing and dinner is burning on the stove and you feel lousy and somebody is demanding a favor without considering your needs and...... In the meditative state, it's easy to be patient, compassionate, understanding. But what do we do in the midst of real life to take our real human emotions and manage them to be more compassionate while still acknowledging our own need for boundaries and understanding?

Tough questions, but rather interesting ones. I can't tell you how much I appreciate the honesty of my friends, who opened up about their struggles. The funny thing about them is that they feel their struggles so deeply, but I admire their compassion so much. They worry that they are off track, and I see them as more on track than 99% of the population. This is what makes them reflective, and I wouldn't change them, and I admire them all the more. (You know who you are!)

Tessa and I have had a tough couple of days. I'm hoping that both of us hit the "reset" button last night so that today will be easier. I swear I've seen the 15 year old in her these past few days, and it looks like a sign of rough times ahead....my five year old has been telling me that I'm wrong, she's right, and she's been snarky and resistant to basic instructions. She is the most delightful child I know, and I love her so deeply, and that is, perhaps, what makes it all the more frustrating. What the heck is going on?

Today I will work on being patient with Tessa, and developing my compassion where I need it most, when she is being difficult (okay, when she is being five). And I will try to be compassionate with myself when I am tired and not able to do all that I wish.

Tessa is demanding Mama's oatmeal (Carolyn's recipe) - every day she eats massive quantities of oatmeal with berries, yogurt, and maple syrup (though she has strongly rejected nuts in it) and I'm glad that she's found something so healthy to love. Off to the kitchen!

Cost of Food

I've been visiting a "simple living" website for ideas, and somebody turned me on to this:

http://www.cnpp.usda.gov/Publications/FoodPlans/2007/CostofFoodJun07.pdf

It's a breakdown of how much the USDA recommends a family spend on a healthy diet. We are in the moderate to low end of their budget, which, when you consider the type of food we buy (organic, etc.) is pretty impressive to me. I'd be happier if we were on their "thrifty" plan, of course, but I don't know if that is possible without making some compromises that I do not wish to make. The fact that we don't eat soda, or many prepackaged foods, only partially offsets the higher costs of dairy, fish and meat, and fruits and vegetables.

I'm spending a lot of time thinking about our food budget, intake, health, etc. as you can see. The impacts of food on the earth are impressive, and while we may cut down on the level of electronics in our lives (let's just say that we won't be going flat-screen plasma TV any time soon) we're not going to cut back that much on food, so it's an area to improve on our consumption habits.

This morning Tessa and I planted two long rows of carrots - Scarlet Nantes and Dragon varieties. I wish that I was stronger (without weight restrictions) so that I could prep some more rows, because I'm ready to get snap peas, beans, beets, and radishes in the ground, too. But within the next two weeks I hope that we'll have them ready to go. Anyway, Tessa is excited about the carrot crop; she finds it tough to get excited about lettuce, kale, and beets but she does have grand visions about purple carrots.

These days I'm feeling like a throwback to a prior age (although I guess then I wouldn't be on the computer right now!). My house smells like vinegar right now because I mopped the floor today (all that going in and out yesterday didn't help the floor), I'm baking this afternoon because a few friends are coming over this evening to talk about the Dalai Lama's ideas....it all seems old fashioned. But I like it.

Wacky like the weather

It is alternately sunny and snowing here. Yes, you read that properly - snowing in Seattle in April. We have had snow flurries on multiple days in the past few weeks, most recently today. This morning before friends came over I thought I'd mop the kitchen floor. I got as far as moving the chairs and throw rugs outside....and it started snowing. So instead of mopping I dragged everything back indoors and gave up on that project. (The floor remains unmopped. What can I say?)

Then, this afternoon, Tessa ran around in the yard barefoot. The grass is lush and Ryan mowed it yesterday and I think it was soft, if cold, beneath her feet. Tessa played on her swingset with her friends, made a "baked grass pie" with grass clippings in a bucket, jumped rope, and insisted on keeping her coat off.

This evening, Ryan prepped another row of soil in the garden so that Tessa and I can plant the carrots tomorrow, and he did so in a windstorm with spitting rain - horrible weather. (Thanks, Ry, for doing it anyway.)

My mood - and Tessa's - is as wacky as the weather. I'm proud of myself for getting back in the swing of things, and irritated as all heck that I'm NOT in the swing of things. My patience is short, which is unfortunate because Tessa is a crazy nut today....her mood is all over the map (and though she's usually a good listener at gymnastics, she was obnoxious today and got spoken to on multiple occassions by the teacher).

I made a lovely dinner (I thought) and then felt like screeching at Tessa because of how much she complained about the scant amount of red onions in it (she used to love onions, now she's decided that they're evil and inedible...whatever).

Tessa was rude to me over the dinner issue, demanding dessert, going so far as to stick her tongue out at me and "harumph" me and raise her voice to me. Just when I thought I'd totally lose it, she started crying. I held my ground about dessert, held to her consequences, but offered to snuggle her and read a story. Then, my obnoxious daughter was sweet as can be, gentle and kind, snuggly on the chair, both of us enveloped in a blanket, reading stories.

Maybe the weather has something to do with our moods!

The garden is starting to be a legitimate garden. As of right now, we've planted:
- leeks
- rainbow Swiss chard
- mixed lettuce (red and green)
- Shuksan and Rainier strawberries
- early cabbage
....and we've got seeds planted in pots to be stored indoors until the weather is ready:
- northern peppers
- Black Krim tomatoes
- red currant tomatoes

I've still got sugar snap peas, golden beets, broccoli, kale, spinach, more lettuce, radishes to plant, and I want to buy more strawberry plants (I've decided we'll never tire of strawberries, and they're low cost when you consider that they don't have to be replanted each year). I want to buy rhubarb and squash. Oh, and I've got potatoes sprouting on a windowsill, so that I can plant those, too.

Our chives, oregano, rosemary, and parsley are thriving this year. I've got an indoor basil plant. I still plan to do mint, thyme, garlic, and maybe some other herbs.

Today, picking oregano from our herb garden, I was more pleased with myself than I should admit. It made me dream of making whole meals from our garden.

But my energy is high and low, just like Tessa's mood, and just like the weather. Maybe when the weather improves my mood will improve as well.

Frugal, Healthy, Environmental Meals

Food is a really big part of our budget, and of our lives. We are working hard at making our vegetable garden, despite the fact that I'm pretty sure it's not in my DNA to do so. I enjoying cooking (sometimes) and experimenting with new recipes. I'm very aware of the Weight Watchers way of living ("it's a lifestyle, not a diet") and try to work with that. I want to buy organic, and local, to save our bodies and the planet. And I want to do it all on a budget.

Easier said than done.

Food takes a lot of time. This weekend, as I mentioned, I went through Cooking Light's most recent issues (they tend to use seasonal ingredients, one advantage of getting a monthly recipe magazine) and picked recipes. I like their "Superfast" section because I don't want to cook all day.

I went to Trader Joe's - the cheapest store around here, and I like them - and got ingredients.

But it's not cheap, even when I'm trying.

Today I made a one dish meal that breaks down as follows:

$1 orzo pasta
$8 chicken (free range organic)
$1 arugla (organic)
$2 cherry tomatoes (from California...organic)
$1 basil (organic)
$0 oregano (it overwintered in a pot - hurrah! we put vermicompost on it and it's thriving)
$1 yellow pepper (not organic, not local...sigh)
$.50 red onion (also not organic or local)

So not including salt, pepper, olive oil, and red wine vinegar (all of which I had in my pantry) this dish, which feeds six (we'll have it for lunch AND dinner today, with leftovers for lunch tomorrow), costs $14.50. And I have to figure out more recipes to use up the basil, peppers, and arugula, because I have lots of leftovers (not included in the costs above) and if they go to waste that's no good.

It is so hard to do this properly. It does get easier over time, but I struggle. I don't want to eliminate the beautiful flavors of fresh herbs. And I don't usually buy tomatoes out of season but I was just craving them - I haven't had any in a couple of months. And the peppers are SO expensive when they're not organic.

Faking it pays off!

I was so frustrated when Dr. Isik told me that I shouldn't be tired any more. I thought "What am I doing wrong?!" I certainly wasn't faking my fatigue - it was awful.

So I thought about it, and decided that it was no way to live, and decided to fake it. No more letting life pass my by while I layed around feeling sorry for myself.

Yesterday, I did a project that has been driving me crazy: I organized the attic, reviewing what we have for a yard sale (not as much as I thought - hmmmm). I took Tessa to a birthday party, and while she played princess I looked through Cooking Light and came up with a week's worth of recipes and a meal plan for the week; then we went to Trader Joe's and bought what we needed (the goal, once again, to eat everything from our fridge this week). Last night, Lori came over, and we chatted and stayed up later than I'm used to and watched a movie. Today, after a very leisurely morning (I decided that I couldn't remember the last time I just hung out drinking coffee, so despite some remorse, we stayed home from church; Ryan also did a long bike ride) we did yard work as a family, and I did lots of weeding, a bit of mulching, and some planting (leeks, kale, lettuce, marigolds, cabbage, and strawberries) and Ryan cleaned up the area for the blueberries, further working the soil, pulling up grass in that area, and mulching over the soaker hose (the blueberries are looking well!). I posted the old play structure on Craigslist and got a taker right away, and Ryan and the gentleman are currently taking it apart to fit in the gentleman's truck.

The result? I feel tired, certainly, but better than I have in a long time...better than since my surgery. Our yard has progress for the first time in a while, my body feels tired and sore but from activity (which is much better than feeling tired and sore from inactivity).

And this allows me to think about more than just "oh poor me" which has been my focus far too much lately.

Back to gardening, which is part of caring for the earth, using my body in a physical way that is healthy, teaching Tessa about the connection of food to the earth, and being frugal. (Our neighbors Sarah & Steven gave us soaker hoses, and then Kathleen gave us one, too.....hurrah!)

And posting the play structure on Craigslist has been a goal of mine for some time, and the $100 will help our coffers immensely. Frugal, recycling.....check!

So I'm trying to get back in the swing of things. I'm trying to care for the earth, care for my family, care for our budget, avoid consumerism (including the "let's order pizza because I'm too tired to cook" nights), and soak up the sun. It helps that there WAS sun today, by the way.

Let's hope that the rest of the week is like this, too. I still have the paint and supplies to finish painting the downstairs bathroom....wouldn't that be a good project to finish? And I continue to shop Craigslist to find a new entertainment center and loveseat for downstairs (free would be good for that, by the way).

I'm filled with enthusiasm to get back on board with these things. I want to help out friends, I want to organize playdates, I want to go for long walks with Shep.

Let's hope my body feels okay tomorrow. But today, so far, so good.

Update from the PS

Today I visited Dr. Isik.

He said I'm healing beautifully. He said that my implant is not moving; the bottom of the implant is remaining in place, but there is a seratoma (code name for "excess fluid" which is harmless and will be reabsorbed by my body) at the top of my left (treated) breast which is making it appear misshapen, but is not a long term problem.

I just need to be patient. Oh, how I hate being patient.

I am allowed to swim with Tessa (no more concern about infection). I am allowed to walk, use an elliptical without my arms, or sit on a stationary bike. No jiggling, no jumping, no jogging. No lifting any kind of weights. I am now allowed to lift my arms past my shoulders, and expected to get physical therapy again to regain range of motion (helllllo, Adrienne....).

Three more weeks, and I can jog.

But the fatigue? No answers. I shouldn't be feeling it like I am. I'm wayyyy behind schedule. I should have felt better a week ago.

Sigh.

Finally, it all catches up with me.

Of course, I can't help but wonder "is it mets?" because that would be just par for the course. (Bad attitude. I know. I can't help it. And you'd wonder too, if it was you.) I try to suppress these thoughts, but they rise. Maybe it's all falling apart.

Or maybe I'm just tired. It's all so wearing.

The next surgery is supposed to be about half the healing time of this one, although still six weeks with no exercise or jiggling.

Tonight Tessa is going bowling with Ryan, Anna, and Artie. I will curl up in bed. I look forward to the day when I can stay home because I'm DOING something and not because I can't get out of bed...

Naps

Tonight we're seeing Paul & Libby in Edmonds. I haven't seen them in a long time....but I'm worried about making it through until 8pm when we must be home for Tessa's bedtime.

I went to Tessa's field trip, although I didn't have to drive as I carpooled with Katie, and Katie saw me drooping. She has Tessa and sent me home to take a nap. Thanks, Katie....I need it even though I protest.

This fatigue thing is out of hand.

I did it

Tonight I sent Ryan away for a little alone-time, a little time to take care of himself without worrying about TK and I. With Jenny's help - she made us a fabulous dinner - and the fact that Tessa, Zoe, and Liam played beautifully together, I made it through. Tessa is tucked in to bed, and I'm about to follow.

I'm exhausted. For a bit I thought I wouldn't make it. But I did.

Good night!

Impatient

I don't get it.

I'm going to bed between 7 and 8pm each night, not getting up until 7:30 or 8am.

I'm doing about 1/4 speed of usual.

I rarely cook or feed my family anything more complicated than oatmeal.

I've cut social engagements.

I have down time at home each day.

I have accepted friends' help with Tessa, and Tessa was gone all weekend with my parents while I relaxed. (I even turned down a fun evening opportunity with Lori to stay home and go to bed early.)

SO WHY AM I SO TIRED?

I am so, so tired. By 5pm I had to watch my tone with Tessa because I realized that I was tired, not that she was naughty.

I'm so impatient with this. Why am I so tired?????

I can't lift more than 10 pounds. I can't lift my arms above my shoulders. I'm not allowed to sweat, or to jar my body. I'm allowed "gentle walks" but nothing aerobic.

And I'm so tired of this. Why can't I just act halfway normal? More to the point, why can't I FEEL halfway normal?

With that, I'm off to lay on the couch downstairs while Ryan entertains Tessa.

And the week commences

Tessa is home, where she belongs. She had a wonderful time with Grammy, Grandpa, GG, Auntie Krystal, Uncle Mike, Caleb, and Jockey, and is filled with stories about how great it was to be in the motorhome, to be on the beach, to be in the woods. I'm delighted at her closeness with her extended family, and her joy in being with them.

But of course, she belongs with me! It is a delight to be her mother.

Today is a quiet morning being together, planning our week. Later today is gymnastics for Tessa, and of course there's preschool in the week, and playdates to arrange, and chores to be done.

It's nice just to be together. Tonight I plan to make a "real" dinner for the first time in a while - how is it possible that I have not cooked in so long? Hopefully I can last (energy wise) all day today, so that we can have a nice family dinner tonight.

A day thinking about compassion

Today I had the good fortune to go to two events from the Seeds of Compassion organization. The first had three panelists talking about the impact of teaching compassion to youth, and what are obligations are in that regard; the second had, as its primary speaker, His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama.

The Dalai Lama tells funny little jokes, and then laughs with gleeful mischief at his own jokes. He is slightly self depricating, saying "I'm just one man, and there are 6 billion people....I'm just one in six billion, not so special," and he even answered one question with, "That's a very big question. Hmmmm. I don't know!"

It is impossible not to love him. They say that babies can tell the intentions of those who care for them, and I would say that those around the Dalai Lama are babies in his watchful care, and we can tell he loves us, and we're ready to respond with delight.

I have a lot of thinking to do about what I saw and heard in the past two days. It can not be summed up with a pithy little quote, though there were plenty of quotable quotes (my favorite of which is "War is outdated," - think about that one for a while). The most important part of the events was not what occurred, it's what is to occur next.

The event was about bringing compassion into action. The word "action' came up over and over and over again. What am I to do with my love of compassion? How can I make it more active in my house? How can I be patient with Tessa when she is feeling her emotions all hot and angry, so that treat her with compassion instead of frustration? How can I communicate my needs to Ryan in a way that is compassionate of his needs instead of demanding? How can I practice compassion in my community? How much of my "self" must I give to this worthy cause?

I'm not sure, but I think the answer is "all." All of my self. 100%.

I've heard a quote a few times lately that goes something like this. "If you want to help someone, help them. If you want to help yourself, help someone." Today the Dalai Lama said that it is "wise selfish" to give compassion to others because in the end it makes the world a better place for yourself. We can be compassionate out of selfishness - we wish to live in peace and harmony and so while we may be compassionate to others, we do it for ourselves.

If this is the case (and I can't see any flaws in the logic to indicate otherwise), then I must give all of myself, in an effort to save myself.

And lest you think I'm about to become some crazy martyr lady, let me remind you that compassion toward self is part of this. The "program" if there even is a program involves time for self-care. It encourages friendship. It places great emphasis on family, on community. It allows for religious faith (of course!), for education, for reflection and meditation. All of these things are things I want for myself, of course. If I could feel peace, and ahve those things too, well, I'd have to say that I had it made.

So I'm ruminating on it. What is my role?

Is it work to cure breast cancer?
Is it building for Habitat for Humanity?
Is it creating a compassion program at Alki Elementary (our family's new "home" for the next few years)
Is it work within WSUU?
Is it writing for breast cancer survivors?
Is it "merely" being an agent of peace within my own household (which, frankly, is a lot harder than those other things on the list...!)?

I'm grateful to have the opportunity to reflect on such things.

I'm grateful that Qwest Field was filled with others who also walked away ready to have these discussions. This is not work to be done alone, and I think that the time has come to do it together now.

I didn't spend my time at Qwest feeling the pain of my chest (yes it hurts. Yes, I had to take an Aleve while I was there. But while His Holiness was speaking, I could only see and hear him...not feel pain.) I didn't walk away feeling sorry for my surgeries, for my disease. I walked away feeling hopeful.

So tonight I reflect with gratitude on this opportunity.

Dalai Lama Weekend

I've just dropped off Tessa at preschool, and my Dalai Lama weekend begins.

Michele is picking me up at about 11:30, and while Tessa goes off with Grammy & Grandpa on a motorhome weekend in Anacortes (she's so excited she's dancing around talking about it), I will go to the first of my three events for Seeds of Compassion.

Then, this evening, Ryan and I are going to go on a date. We'll do a happy hour (inexpensive!) downtown, and then we'll see the S.A.M. Romans exhibit (on loan from the Louvre). Usually Ryan's not a museum guy, but he's fascinated with the Romans, and so this is particularly interesting to him....and I love museums of just about all kinds. If I can hold it together (hmmm not sure how likely it is) I'd like to see the movie Juno downtown...but certainly no promises there.

And then tomorrow it's TWO more Dalai Lama events, including the main one at Qwest Field.

The Dalai Lama is the human being that I most respect in the world. His integrity, intelligence, kindness and compassion are unparalleled. I am in awe at his ability to find deep joy in the midst of great sorrow. I could learn an immense amount from him, and I've been reading his books, and learning about him for a while now. To see him in person is like a gift. (Actually, it IS a gift. The tickets were free.)

So, this morning I need to hustle around and pack Tessa's weekend back for Grammy to pick up, and tidy the house, and return phone calls....but I'm so excited for what is to follow.

A good start to the day

I woke up today with a headache, as I have every day since surgery, but today I woke up with something else, too....a sense of calm. WOW. I can't tell you how I've missed that.

Today I feel more filled with hope, and the possibilities for joy, than in a long while. How does one describe such feelings? It's not a bouncy, energetic feeling....it's quieter. It's peaceful. And I'll take it!

Every day a bit longer

I am able to make it longer each day. Today I've made it this far - amazing.

A good day.

Except.

One of the girls on the YSC died today.

Another one gone.

Another motherless child (a girl about Tessa's age).

I need the support of women who have been in my shoes, but it's sad and lonely when those women are dying. Of course, more are living than dying, but three deaths in two (?) weeks is enough to make anyone ill.

It's not fair. I don't understand it.

One foot in front of the other

Yesterday I made it in mothering-land until about 3:45pm. Today I hope to make it until at least 5, and maybe beyond. Beth has Tessa for a couple of hours this morning (playdate with Anna - the girls love each other), and then it's preschool for Tessa while I go visit my lovely shrink. I'm actually a bit nervous about driving so far - my body is so tired and driving involves shoulder checks and sitting in one position and such but I know I can do it, we'll just see how tired it makes me.

And since when does a 20 minute drive exhaust me? Argh.

I realized a couple of things yesterday:

1) The sensations I've been feeling (nausea, fatigue, headaches, digestive issues, etc) are most similar to chemo. Yuck. There are some memories I don't want to relive.

2) The drugs were too much for me. I actually do not remember anything from the day of surgery - I took an Ativan before going in - until about Friday? Saturday? - which is really scary. I read my own blog and I'm thinking "hmmm I guess I remember that" but it's really, really fuzzy. Wow. I have little snippets of memory, but I can't link the days together. It's frightening. I think I'd rather have the pain than that. Or would I? It's sort of confusing.

I'm taking it slow. One foot in front of the other. Minor house chores (made Tessa's breakfast - our new favorite of oatmeal mixed with berries, non-fat-plain-yogurt, and maple syrup; laundry; unloading dishwasher...I'm not too ambitious), going for a short walk with Shep after this (I think it will be good for both of us), going to the good doc, having another quiet evening at home.

It's only been a week (less!) and I barely remember what it feels like to be normal. My head is so fuzzy from this experience. But each day is better than the one before it so I'm trying to remember that this, too, shall pass.

Brilliant ideas

The first brilliant idea is from Heather and Beth, who offered to drive Tessa home from gymnastics so that I could rest. I took them up on it - Heather had the carseat, so she's actually doing the favor, but I'm grateful to them both. THANK YOU Heather for taking Tessa for a couple of hours to prevent me from melting down!

My second brilliant idea came while I was listening to NPR in the car on the way back from gymnastics, sans Tessa. I don't usually listen with her because it's too hard to multitask and listen to full articles with her interruptions, and because often the subject matter is too adult for her.

So today I was listening about the horrors of the war in Iraq, and it came to me. I have a solution!

My solution: the US gov't withdraws entirely. Wait, don't stop reading, there's more. In their place, the US gov't pays maybe 1/3 of the current annual costs of the war to humanitarian organizations to go in there and fix things.

Habitat for Humanity could help rebuild people's homes
Amnesty International could start righting some wrongs
The Peace Corp could get involved
....and just about any other decent organization you can think of. We'd send over a bunch of do-gooders who didn't have a political or financial motive, and we'd leave it to them to fix it. We'd provide them with funding to fix it themselves.

Frankly, I'm convinced that it would cost a lot less to have a bunch of do-gooders over there cobbling solutions together than it would to have people out on the streets shooting each other and blowing things up. Especially when it's about blowing families up.....

Don't tell me my plan is flawed. Don't tell me that I'm a liberal optimist and that I haven't thought it through. Don't tell me that the US Gov't is strong and powerful and if they can't fix it then how are a bunch of civilians going to do anything. Don't even say a word! Just imagine the possibilities. I know that the "unrest" there (what a euphemism) isn't simple. I know! I know that there are many, many problems to solve. I know I probably haven't named the best groups for the job.

But imagine the possibilities. Imagine people working together as a community. Imagine trying to end a war with love, not weapons.

Good God I'm trying to be John Lennon - and look how he ended up. Yikes.

Anyway, I know that I'm a liberal-optmist-pascifist-unschooled-in-political-theory-etc. I know. I don't care. I'm so sick of this war - of all wars, of course, but we hear the most about this war - and frankly I don't think I've heard a single plan better than my plan yet. There HAS to be a better way! My way costs less money (hey I do have a degree in economics, for those of you who have forgotten), acknowledges humans' basic needs (dignity, respect, free speech, FOOD, housing, safety, etc.) and offers alternatives never currently used so nobody can prove to me that they wouldn't work.

So I like my plan. Call me whatever names you want, but don't post them here. This isn't a political blog, and I'm not a politico (obviously). It's just that this war is so **** frustrating to me. Mothers like me are losing sons and daughters. IT IS NOT OKAY.

Getting off my soapbox now.

Not worried about infection today

Small update before we head to Beth & Anna's.

I've decided that last night I was being paranoid. My breast is red and bruised because it's radiated tissue that has been operated on. I feel bad because I had surgery with anesthesia and narcotics, my diet is off, and I've been sedentary.

Enough said.

Sorry if I dragged anyone else into my paranoia!

Monday is a fresh start

Today I'm a full time Mommy. Tessa is snuggled up to me in bed as I'm typing, happy as can be that her mama is paying attention and planning on spending a whole day with her.

I'm certain to be tired by evening, but that is okay. I'm feeling very DONE with being a patient.

Our list of tasks is small today:
- Buy tape for Tessa's art projects
- Plan a playdate for Tessa (maybe with Anna, who has been gone for over a week)
- Take Tessa to gymnastics

The rest of the day will fill itself up. I am looking forward to spending time with my daughter.

And now, enough of the blog, and off we go. Wish me luck - I don't want to collapse at noon! (And if I do, I have people I can call, don't worry....)

Fuzzy head

I'm worried that I'm getting an infection. My left breast, which had more revisions than the right and is the radiated side (meaning more issues in general) is very red and I think the red is growing. I thought it was bruising, but now I'm not so sure.

I'm going to call the doc tomorrow to ask. I also feel lightheaded, even without narcotics, and I get these sort of waves of nausea accompanied by lightheadedness. (Not thinking about brain mets. Not thinking about brain mets. NOT. Okay, so I am. But I'm telling myself to stop it.)

It's probably just my system messed up from surgery. Who knows. But I don't like it.

I came home from the movie, put on pjs, and have been in bed all afternoon, much to Tessa's disappointment. She wants more from me. I read her stories today and she acted like it was the best thing in the world. I want to give her more than a half hour of attention without dying to get up and run away (she's so wiggly, and she wants to be close, and she bumps and bumps and bumps into me...).

But Tessa is so sweet. Ryan made me coffee this morning, and Tessa delivered it to me. And Tessa has made me countless pieces of artwork over the past week. She's handled this with a lot of grace for a five year old.

I want to get back to more normal, even the not-so-normal normal looks good rigiht now. I'm tired of feeling crummy.

Working it through

I had a terrible night's sleep last night.



I dreamed that Melinda and Cathy came to my room while I was sleeping, and they were debating whether they should take me with them. In my dream, I said, "Please! No! I'm not ready to die!" and they were very kind but explained that it wasn't their choice, but that they had to take someone. I begged them not to take me, to take someone else instead....and woke up crying.



UGH.



Now let it be said here that I don't see Melinda and Cathy as "ghosties" - I see them as magnificent women. In this dream, they were not demons, and they were not happy about their role, and they were there to help....but I begged them not to take me.



It's no secret that I don't want to die, that fears rest upon me, and that it's not surprising that my fears would work themselves out in dreams. That didn't make it any less terrifying.



And then this morning we went to church, which meant that for the first time I put on a full set of clothes, and shoes, and made it outside. It was good to go to church, and share my gratitude for the help the congregation has given.



Two more cancer moments after that...



After church I was tired, so while Ryan and Tessa headed to the Farmer's Market, I channel surfed at home. But the movie that looked like a cute romance set in Seattle (my first thought was "hey that's Hammering Man!") turned about to be about a woman with cancer. And within 10 minutes of my turning it on, she was dead. Damn. That was not uplifting.

And then Heather took me to the movies in West Seattle, and we saw the light comedy "27 Dresses." In general, it was just what I needed - light, funny, girl-movie, only 2 miles from home - but with one drawback. In the opening scene, we meet a little girl named Tess whose mom just died. That is not at all the focus of the movie, but that's how it starts.

Well, CRAP. That's not funny.

I really hope that I can adjust to my new reality where stuff like this doesn't hit me quite so hard. The movie was good, and it wasn't ruined for me because of that opening scene....but it did sting.

I'm sure it'll get easier when I'm not hurting, when my body is more healed, when I'm not so tired from surgery. But it's all a bit of a stretch right now.

And the secret is...

...NOT taking narcotics?

As of this morning, I've started weaning myself from narcotic pain relievers. Sure, they help with pain (which is obviously good) but they make me feel woozy, shaky, lightheaded, and systemically awful. I finally decided that I'd rather deal with some straightforward pain than the systemic awfulness.

And I'm feeling a lot more myself as a result.

I'm taking Extra Strength Tylenol, and that's it. And I hope that as the other drugs leave my system, I'll feel well enough to go to church tomorrow.

My chest feels like hell. But that's better than my whole body feeling like hell!

Shower & New PJs

In breaking news, I finally took a shower and changed my pajamas. Wahoooo. How exciting. This may be the highlight of the day.

I really thought things would go easier. Maybe tomorrow they'll be easier? Tomorrow I really ohpe to go to church. Because it involves just sitting it can't be too hard, but it is more activity than I have done in days.

A Bad Attitude is starting to take over. The pain thing is wearing. It will be okay, but it's wearing.

This is getting really old

I'm okay. The world is not ending.

Still, this stinks.

My hands are shaky. My vision is funky. I can't sleep well. The pain meds wear off about an hour before I'm allowed to take a new one.

My sleep is troubled - I fall asleep, then startle awake, look at the clock, and realize I only fell asleep for 7 minutes or something like that.

I still haven't had a shower because it seems like a lot of effort.

Boy am I ready to turn the corner! This can't last forever, right?

(The Dilaudid works better than Oxycodone, and I'm not itchy, so that's good....but still....)

New Meds on the Way

Thank you to my brother Mike for being so accomodating.

I called the doc, and he wrote a prescription, but apparently it's a narcotic/controlled substance so he couldn't just fax it over, it needed to be an original prescription. So my brother is swinging by the PolyClinic on his way over to pick up the prescription and drop it off at Rite Aid on his way to get Tessa and spend the day with her. Heather will pick it up and deliver it to my house.

What would I do without these lovely people?

Kerri took care of Tessa on Wednesday; Katie on Thursday; Mike today. Ginger (from church) and Michele have delivered meals, and Heather's delivering one today. Ryan is juggling work, Tessa, and me.

I am fortunate.

The doc also said to take Extra Strength Tylenol in addition ot the Oxycodone, and it's helping. My hands have stopped shaking, which is a major relief.

Despite my good fortune at all this help, quite frankly, this sucks. "Uncomfortable" isn't the right word - "painful" gets a little closer. Ugh.

Tough

I'm trying to figure out why this is so hard.

I think that they stitched the expanders directly into my muscles to prevent the problem of them migrating all over my chest (again). Translation? The tiniest movements are very painful.

My hands are shaky.

My head feels wobbly and confused - no doubt from pain meds.

I'm itchy all over from the Oxycodone.

I am going to call the doc this morning and see if I can get some different meds. Maybe if I could sleep more than 2 hours at once, or maybe if my hands would stop shaking, I could make some progress.

It is very hard to type - it requires a level of concentration that is kind of scary.

Still, it's my body that is a mess. Emotionally, I'm doing okay. If I had to choose a breakdown or physical pain, I'd choose physical pain.....so I've got that going for me. But what a choice!

Rough night

This is challenging.

My body is itchy (side effeet fromthe oxycodone) and everything is just so achy.

Wowza...

And so it goes

I officially feel crummy.

The horse won't get off me.

I have a low-grade fever (100.0) - not enough to call the doctor (that's at 101, and I have his number handy).

It's hard to feel spunky when I feel so crummy. But I feel crummy. The slightest movements hurt. Typing isn't bad because I rest my hands on the laptop but I wouldn't even want to write with a pen because the movement would jar too much.

Ugh.

Friends are calling, sweet as can be. Dinners (2!) are being delivered - one from 'Chele, one from church. I am very fortunate.

Except that I feel so yucky.

Ryan and Tessa are home and I had to shoo them out of my room - Tessa's slight bumps into the bed made me grit my teeth.

Today and tomorrow are "supposed" to be hard. Today did not let me down in that regard. I'm glad that my mental state of mind is so much better....but that, unfortunately, doesn't make it hurt less.

On a totally different note -

A YSC friend who has gone to hell and back (her version of hell involves Hurricane Katrina, loss of her house, chemo, and failed reconstruction) got her tatooed nipples today. I'm pleased as punch for her - I've grown to love her, and she deserves to put the punctuation marks on. For her, as for me, the recon is a necesary part of the healing, and it gives me strength to see her reach her goal. Love you, TL.

Now it's a Clydesdale

Argh.

Just took another little pill. I hope it helps!

A horse is sitting on me

Obviously not literally. And Shep has nothing to do with this. But it does feel like a horse is sitting on the bottom half of my rib cage. No danger of me forgetting my pain meds.

(No danger of ODing, either, as I'm writing down when I take them.)

Still well

My brain is decidedly "high" from drugs but I'm not complaining. I feel vits of aches from my chest, but bearable.

The guest room is comfortable. Ryan brought me a lovely meal. I've got what I need.

Here I am for a few days.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. Still pray for my patience - the new foobs are in the right place, and I suspect that they're doing better....but they're a mess. It's a two step process, etc. Sigh. "Pretty" isn't in the vocabularly yet.

Good night, all.

Home from surgery

Best as I can tell things went well.

Im high as a kite, bumping into walls, etc. No pain yet. Just took meds.

Settled in ot ht guets room. Ready to hunker down...

Today is the day

I'm almost ready. The guest room is ready, the bathroom is ready, the laundry is folded, the fridge is stocked. The dishwasher is running. The beds are made.

I'm wearing clothes that I can put on without lifting my arms.

I have the packet of doctor-info.

Tessa just joyfully left with Kerri & Sari, off for a day of adventure.

Ryan brought me tulips.

Now I'm waiting. This is why I prefer early check-in.....waiting around all morning, feeling thirsty and unable to drink and unable to have my morning coffee, is not the greatest. Too much anxiety.

I will probably take another pill this morning. But yesterday it totally knocked me out! I slept on the couch, fully clothed, last night. Whoaaaa. Ryan couldn't stir me.

Here we go.

Whoa that stuff is good

Ativan, that is.

I won't be driving anywhere anytime soon.

But I no longer feel like climbing the walls and throwing up (simultaneously), at least.

That sick feeling

Uh oh, here I go again.

I feel gross. Sick to my stomach.

It's the pre-surgery jitters. Time to take a some kind of anti-anxiety meds and sink onto the couch. Ryan will be home soon.

Today was a good day. I saw friends, did therapy, got some stuff done.

But now I feel sick.

Thank you for your love and prayers. This time tomorrow, with any luck, I'll be home again, recovering. I think (hope) that the anticipation is worse than the pain.

Please include Tessa and Ryan in your prayers. Tessa needs to remember that she is a child, and should be free from adult worries. I need her to feel at peace, loved and cared for, unconcerned as to outcomes or "what ifs." Ryan needs to feel loved and supported, too, as he has extra burdens in caring for our household as I hibernate.

Ugh my head hurts. I think I'd better go take that pill before it's too late. Here we go......

Countdown

24 hours from now I will be getting ready to go to the hospital.

Breathe in, breathe out. Repeat....repeat....repeat....

Today will be busy. This morning is PEPS at Heather's (which Tessa and I will both love), then while Tessa is at preschool I will go visit my beloved brilliant shrink, who will (hopefully) help me to whip my brain into shape for this surgery. (Or is it my heart she puts into shape? Hard to tell the difference, really.) I also need to dust, vacuum, grocery shop, and fold the last load of laundry. And one more coat of paint on the bathroom stuff.

I wasn't kidding when I said I'm nesting. It helps me so much to have things in place - it gives me the sense of order in a disorderly world. And I desperately want that sense of order.

The other thing we'll do today is celebrate Shep's 2nd birthday. We don't know exactly when his birthday is, but it's sometime around now, and he does seem a perfect April Fool. He is getting two new squeaky toys that he loves (the others will be retired to the trash - he chews them to bits), and as our tradition, he'll get a meat-cake. We make him a big hamburger, stick candles in it and Tessa will sing to him and blow out his candles before he gobbles the whole thing up as fast as he can.

And on another note....

I just got a call from someone at WSUU, promising hot meals, offering thoughts and prayers, and giving kindness. I am grateful to be a member of this community. More and more, it is becoming community to me, and not just a place I attend once a week. I have made a good decision in this regard, and I am grateful to have it in my life.

By next Sunday, I hope I'm well enough to go to services. Something to look forward to.

And on that note - off to PEPS.
Love,
Kristina

Hanging in there

Today went relatively well.

As is becoming typical for me, I took on a little house project today. I think this is like nesting prior to having a baby - I know that I'll be out of it for a while and it's better for me to have the house in shape for that. I've been trying to get laundry caught up, do little projects, organize things.

And today I painted the downstairs bathroom cabinet - it was a gross wood that had seen better days and looked very dark and dingy, and now it's a nice crisp white with new hardware. A major improvement. I'll be using that bathroom when I'm staying in the guestroom, and it will make me smile each time I see the crisp white. I haven't been able to paint the entire bathroom yet, but I will do that after surgery.

And tonight, thanks to Heather's kindness in caring for Tessa, Ryan and I went on a date.

Now I'm home, tired, and ready for bed.

Really, today could have been worse. It helped to keep busy.

Joys and Sorrows

Today at church, during the brief sharing which preceeds the service, I shared my sorrows.

It felt good to say Cathy O'Brien's name out loud in a sacred space. Today one of the musical interludes was an Irish sounding soung on a guitar and a harmonica, and it somehow reminded me of her and felt fitting, like I'd been able to attend her funeral almost. I held her close to my heart and meditated on some of the words she's written on YSC and her impact upon me.

I shared Cathy's passing, and how sorrowed I am by it, with the congregation. As tears slipped out, I also said, "She was diagnosed two months before me, and though I'm healthy now, I'm so frightened that I might follow in her footsteps."

I also shared that I am dreading my upcoming surgery. Three years (almost) of fighting. I'm so tired of fighting. I want peace.

The congregation was kind. I was hugged, approached, smiled at. I was told that I would be held in thoughts, that I would be prayed for, that they would meditate on my healing. Different people spoke to me in different ways, all kind. This is a fellowship at its best.

It helps me to share. That's why I share so much here, too. It makes me feel less alone in my fight. Maybe my pain will lessen someone else's by making them feel less alone in their struggles, whatever they may be.

But then I came home and took an anti-anxiety pill, which is still not taking effect. I have an acid-reflux feeling in my belly that I'm certain is a fit of nerves. It took a lot out of me to speak today, to admit my fear out loud (harder than in writing, for me at least), to cry pubicly.

Sigh.

A new day

The traditional day of rest.

This morning Tessa is snuffly with allergies and Ryan awoke with a migraine. Tessa's slow to get up but will be fine; Ryan took Immitrex and hopefully he'll be fine in an hour or two. I'm still reeling from the news of Cathy but I am prepared to make it a new day.

We also got excellent news yesterday. Tessa will be attending Alki Elementary School next year - our first choice! The letters went out early, as I didn't expect to hear for a week or two. She's delighted by this, as she had it in her head that it was where she wanted to go, because "big kids" Emma and Liam go there, and because her friends Jessie & Zoe will go there (when Zoe returns from Panama, anyway).

Now, off to rouse Tessa. I really, really want to attend church this morning - my soul needs a little rest.

Love,
Kristina

R.I.P. Mama Cathy

My friend from YSC has passed away. She leaves behind a husband, a son, and many people who loved her in "real" life. She also touched the lives of many strangers on YSC, and I am one of them.

Today I feel a small amount of relief that her suffering is over. I was halfway hoping that she was gone - released from pain, releasing her family from the constant vigil with only one possible outcome - when I checked my email.

But the relief is small compared to the other emotions.

I'd like to copy and paste the message that gave Cathy her nickname here. This was posted June 2006, when "the boards" were going through a tough time like the one that is happening right now, with mets diagnoses and deaths, before Cathy was a mets girl, before she knew she would join the ranks of those who passed before her.

Cathy, you will be missed. Deeply.

My prayers go out for Cathy's loved ones, in particular her husband and son.
-----------------
It's happening again.Every once in a while the board goes through a really tough time. Our hearts break for our sisters whose cancers are spreading at frightening rates. We see their selfless, innocent posts that detail the cancer taking over. How they feel, what they're thinking. What they need. The struggle, the powelessness, the strength and courage.I just wanted to pull all you newbies in close and let you know that we've all been there and you are probably absolutely freaking out right now. Chemo has beaten you up, you feel like a shadow of who you used to be. Tired, depressed and overwhlemed. You may even feel guilty because you are not only sad for these beautiful women, but you are sad FOR YOU. You see yourself in every one of these women that becomes so very sick and then loses the battle.It's normal to feel this way and it's OK. We understand and so do they. Your mother may not, your husband may not. your friends may not, but we do.And there's nothing wrong with feeling sad and getting angry. But please remember that the odds are that YOU are going to get better. YOU are going to get your hair back and start to feel well again. YOU are going to get back to the life that you want to lead.So if you are checking the boards incessently right now, reading the latest post, then sobbing and then going back for more.....been there too. You are grieving....this disease is not fair....it's disgusting and ugly and perverse. And it's so much more unfair to certain sisters than others. And there's nothing fair about that.So grieve for them. Grieve for you. And then remember that you will get better.Love,cathy

A Story of Hope

I posted this on the YSC yesterday, and then thought maybe my readers here would appreciate the story.

West Seattle is a small place. If the woman in question reads this post, or if I've inadvertantly identified her in some way (I do wish to respect her privacy), please forgive me or contact me and I'll remove the post if it offends. But I want to offer thanks to that woman for her incredible gifts and wisdom. The women of YSC have all responded with love toward her, and wishes to meet her, to be like her. Lady, you are greatly admired, and you've offered a lot of girls hope. Thank you for that.

In the sea of bad news that has been hitting my cancer community, this is of great comfort to me.

Here's the post.
--------------
For once, I was at the gym today.

I was standing next to my locker, and a woman came in beside me. She had obviously had double mastectomies. Because I often speak without thinking, I said, "I'm a breast cancer survivor. Are you, too?" and she was very open to the conversation and said "Yes" and shared quite a bit of her story.

The short version? Diagnosed at age 40. She's 72 now. She's a 32 year survivor! Hurrah! Paget's disease of the nipple, and her doctors initially gave her 6 months to live. She demanded a mastectomy (which they initially didn't want to do for some reason), refused chemo and radiation, and did naturopathic treatments. (Not what I would do, but it's obviously working for her!)

She had a recurrance a few years later, and repeated treatment on the other side....another mastectomy, again refused chemo or radiation, again did naturopathic treatments.She mentioned that she'd had a hysterectomy due to an unrelated cancer, much later, as well.

She said she never considered reconstruction. She said, "My husband never touched me again after the mastectomy. He was a fool. I've had several intimate sexual relationships since then" (I loved her candor - not what I expected of a woman of her generation!) "and I tell them up front: I want a man, not a boy. If you're here for the boobs, get lost!" and that has worked quite well for her.

She said she often forgot that she had mastectomies, and sometimes forgets her prosthesis, which is only "important" to her when she's going to the office.

(It could have gone the other way. She could have been offended by my questions, and by my obvious noticing of her double mastectomies. But she was not, she was very open. And, just to be fair, I flashed her pretty well, also!)

I admired her more than I could say. I thanked her for the hope she offered me, but I wish I'd thanked her for sharing her love of her own body and her understanding of her own self worth and sexual prowess. There we were, naked in the locker-room, and this woman did not have the body of a Roman goddess, more of a Gaia-mother-goddess. But make no mistake, she was a goddess in form. It shone from her eyes.

I wanted to share with you girls, and as soon as I could post today, that's what I'm doing.

My wish for all of us - to live that long. To feel that comfortable in our bodies. To feel joy in our sexual relationships. To feel confident in our choices. To forget that we had mastectomies (or chemo or whatever). To be confident in the locker rooms, regardless of our size, shape, and breasts (or lack thereof). To share our success with strangers who have the nerve to approach us, so that they can feed from our joy.

I hope this story gives all of us hope. Those with dire predictions as to our survival, those who have recurred, and those who hope to never repeat our experiences. Those who have already found supportive partners....and those of us who WILL find supportive partners.

It gave ME hope, so I'm sharing.

Frugality

I haven't forgotten all the frugal stuff I'd been blogging about, I've just been distracted.

Plus, I fell off the wagon a little bit. Not a lot, but a little bit. We ordered out a couple of times. I didn't use everything in my fridge.

But I'm vowing to be on top of it again.

Right now, the French Canadian Split Pea soup is bubbling on the stove. This uses the bone (with some meat on it, but no longer the right dimensions for slicing for sandwiches, etc.) and wastes nothing, and I'm pleased with that. This is the soup my mom made when I was a kid, and I love it. I soaked the split peas overnight last night, and today the hambone/ham, split peas, onion, bay leaf, celery, and water are bubbling away on my stove, simmering for 2-3 hours before I add carrots and seasonings and serve with a side of bread.

Speaking of bread, still making my own. Mostly, it's delicious.

I shopped for the split peas. First, went to the aisle with that stuff, scoped out the prices. Then went to bulk foods, and double checked. Definitely a better deal bulk - $.89/pound instead of $1.49/pound. I don't know how a $.60 savings is going to change much, but it's something. Perhaps more important is that the meal itself is so economical and healthy. (Okay, maybe honey baked ham isn't healthy. Okay, so it's not. But with the split peas and other veggies....?)

I ditched my Swiffer mop and got a washable one. That was the last disposable product in the house, so that will save money long term and be better for the environment. (I got rid of the Swiffer one on Freecycle.)

I'm remembering to carpool more. To drink coffee at home more. To consolidate more errands. To stay out of shops (though I've been thrift shopping a bit).

I'm FAR from perfect. But I'm on a path, and trying to find comfort in that.

Good Mommy

Well, the days countdown until my surgery is on,and I'm determined to be a good mommy. Today Tessa went to kids' gym at the Y (which she loves....it's ME who struggles to go and work out these days) with Jessie and Zoe, and then we all loaded up in Katie's car and went to the Science Center. We just got back, tired and ready for a quiet evening at home.

I'm about to make a soup with the leftover hambone from Easter, and we'll have a simple dinner.

Tomorrow we have no scheduled activities until a hang-out and movie night (at home) with friends Michele & Dave, and it is actually nice to have such a low-key weekend in the works. We'll attend church as a family, too, but that's about it.

Big sigh of relief - we're all tired. Ryan's home safe from Austin, Tessa's struggling with fatigue from allergies, and I'm just struggling.

Still fakin' it, trying to make it. I'm doing a lot better than on some days, although I'm more tired than usual by these little efforts. While Ryan was gone I would tuck Tessa into bed at 8:15 or 8:30 and then go IMMEDIATELY to my own bed, reading (I'm on my third Jane Austin book now, having finished Sense and Sensibility, and also finishing Pride and Prejudice, I've moved on to Mansfield Park) before falling asleep well in advance of 10pm (usually before 9:30pm!) and then struggling to get up before 8am.

I'm realizing that my thyroid may be off...looking into that.

My therapist also gave me a talking to/lecture about exercise. I broke down crying, saying "I wanted to run a marathon and this stupid surgery sets me back every time and I'm just so frustrated I don't have the energy to do anything right now!" to which she (kindly) laughed and pointed out that I'd set the bar rather high for myself. She was thinking of a 20 minute walk each day, and I'm thinking of a marathon. Sigh. This is, all too often, how I judge myself.

Yesterday I took Shep for a good long walk for a couple of miles, and listened to a podcast of WSUU sermon called "Fear of Falling" from a Sunday that I'd missed. The sermon was PERFECT for me (go to iTunes and search on WSUU and you can download it for free if you're interested) and actually had me crying tears of empathy, relief, and irony because I related so well to the messages in it. (Good thing I walk a different way each time I go, that way I can convince all of West Seattle that I'm crazy, as I laugh or cry and listen to my iPod!)

And so I'm trying. I am a Good Girl and I Do What I Am Told is Good For Me. My therapist told me to work out more to raise endorphins etc. etc. and I am. I know what to do and I do as I'm told. That doesn't mean I like it, doesn't mean it's easy, doesn't mean taht I feel instant results,but it DOES mean that I'm trying. I'm trying very, very, very hard to make my life the life I'd like it to be.

Therapy

A good therapist is worth her weight in gold. At last, I have a good one.

Today was a good session. She allows me my fears, and then helps me with them.

The fears are still there. They'll never go away. But I'm learning how to manage them.

Fakin' it and Makin' It

This morning Tessa and I went back to Bellevue, this time to meet Caley for a coffee date. Caley and I talked and Tessa was a dream, reading her books and drawing and allowing us to catch up. Then, when Caley left for an appointment, Tessa and I lunched with Molly and caught up with her. Now we're home, and I'm cleaning - this place needs a good scrub and the laundry needs folding.

Oh - and I found a great belt to go with my black dress, for $1.50 on sale at the thrift shop.

I have not forgotten my fears. I have not forgotten about Mama Cath. But what can I do? So I hug Tessa, visit with friends, buy a belt, clean my house.

To some degree, it works. It's distracting, and that's good. It certainly doesn't make me forget, but it tempers the pain, and that is excellent.

So here I am, muddling through. Learning. Growing. Growing pains are harder than I remembered.

Stomachaches

Today Tessa is MUCH better. We went to a Dahl ladies' family lunch, then surprised Melissa and Ross with a pop-in to their office at the church just around the corner. This afternoon we took care of Kelton and Camille, and Anna is here now. These things are good.

What's not so good is that there are several girls on YSC who are crashing. Jessica was someone I didn't know well, but she was posting her treatment plans earlier this month, and today she died. She DIED! Last night she was struggling, but still cracking jokes with her husband, and now she's gone. Another girl is drugged to the state of being incoherent, something with her spinal fluid....could it be....? And Mama Cath is slipping away. She can no longer drink through a straw, and hasn't had solid food in quite some time. She only takes water through a syringe that her loving husband feeds to her. She is incoherent and sleeps most of the time. Her three year old is watching his mother slip away.

And it is NOT OKAY. It's NOT OKAY! I yell to the universe, I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS! I DO NOT ACCEPT THIS!

So, I have a psychosomatic stomachache. I'm not sick, really. But I am deeply, truly, sick of this.

What is my fate? Will I, too, one day be laughing, and the next be dying?

Oh, such morbid questions. I'd love to reply with something like "I'm too stubborn to die right now" but it just doesn't work like that.

I hope to live to be old. But the injustices of the world sometimes make me hurt too much. It's too much.

How's that for depressing? Sorry, dear readers. Some days are like that.

Still, my friends are kind, my house is warm (hey! I adjsuted to 66 degrees!), my family large and loving. I am listening to Tessa and Anna delight in one another and their made up game of baby gymnastics daycare. The world is not ending, even when my heart is cracking open.

Monday again

Okay, my kiddo can't seem to catch a break.

Today was Zoe's Build-a-Bear rescheduled party, and though Tessa wasn't feeling great we went together. Tessa was very, very quiet, even though she was excited to be with her friends and to get a new toy. She asked me to carry her, though Jessie and Zoe were skipping and having fun. She fell asleep....at 11:30 in the morning....in the car on the way home, even though we were with friends.

I'm so tired of this. I feel awful that she feels so crummy!

So, we've canceled going to gymnastics class. We've canceled having Anna over for a playdate (which was also going to help Beth out). Tessa and I will stay home from the engagement party for Melissa and Ross at the Surface7's tonight. Arghhhhhh!

So, Tessa's watching Clifford and I'm doing chores.

We visited the pharmacist today to talk about side effects. I'm scheduling the appointment with the allergist. We're calling back the doctor. We still think it's allergies, and so we're checking it out fully.

Yuck.

Happy Easter

Happy Easter, everyone.

I got up early to make an Easter brunch dish - a cinnamon swirl (very much like cinnamon rolls, but in a log shape) using the bread machine to make the dough, and then had the luxury of enjoying my coffee in bed before Tessa awoke. Of course, the girl woke up with bright eyes and filled with thoughts of the Easter Bunny. Ryan and I moved our coffee to the living room, and watched Tessa hunt for eggs (and I've experimented with a small video of that subject here on the blog). You'll see from the pictures that Tessa runs hot like Daddy, and insisted on unbuttoning her PJs. Whatever. ;-)

This year, for the first time since Tessa was born, we did NOT host an Easter brunch. When I announced to PEPS that I just wasn't up for it this year, Linda graciously stepped up and handled the whole thing. Hooray for Linda! I showed up as a guest, grateful to see all the kids do the egg hunt, grateful that I wasn't hosting.

Pictures include Tessa and Anna in polka-dot dresses (no they didn't plan that but they loved the coincidence), Tessa and Ryan, a family shot, and a rare shot of myself (look at that hair growth - amazing what two years and three months of growth looks like). Tonight I'll try to get a cute Easter shot of Tessa with her hair combed, but today she put in her own ponytail and I didn't have the heart to undo her handiwork.

Now we're having down time - we're all tired, all fighting allergies or something. We forgot to give Tessa her meds before the egg hunt, and by 1pm she said, "My head hurts" and she burst into tears. Maybe it was too much sugar, but I actually really think that the Claritin (sp?) is working. We caught up her dosage, Daddy read her stories, and now she's watching a pony movie. I'm not a big fan of TV/screen time, but I think that in this case it's what we all need - a little zoning out time. Tessa feels much better now - a good reminder to keep her on the allergy meds.

I'm getting ready for my parents to come to dinner. We are having honey ham, asparagus with hollandaise sauce, potatoes au gratin, and cobbler with ice cream (my new favorite/easy dessert). Oh, and of course, deviled eggs for an appetizer. I'll have to get pictures of Tessa's dyed eggs before we crack them all open.

I'm tired. Everything takes more energy than it should. It's surgery that does it, I think. With each surgery, my lead time is longer and harder where I obsess about it and fear it and dwell on negative thoughts. Is this inevitable? Perhaps. Knowing it's not even the last surgery, and that I'll come out of this with the hated expanders, makes it just that much worse.

But it's Easter, a time for joy and celebration, and I'm trying to focus on that. The tulips are blooming in the garden, the lilac is full of buds, and these signs of hope remind me that time passes. The days are longer, and that helps, too.

I hope by April 10 I will be feeling somewhat normal. Until then, if I can just hang on by my fingernails, that's all I ask for.