In the past weeks, I've heard "You're so brave" or "You have so much courage" a thousand times. Every time, I'm sort of befuddled by the statments. I don't feel particularly brave or courageous - I certainly have no special, magical powers to get me through this.
Here's the real deal. I'm not brave, and I have only the ordinary amounts of courage. I have cried real tears through this process. I am still mourning the changes to Tessa's childhood that are occuring. I grieve over the fact that my daughter comes flying at me with arms open to give me a giant hug, and I have to turn from her and say "No honey, Mommy is too sore to hug you." I hate that. Yes, hate is a strong word. Let me repeat myself - I HATE THAT. I do not feel brave or courageous, I feel angry and upset.
But here's the flip side of that - I just don't have a choice about how to react to this situation. Really! If I decide to cry and sit in bed and bemoan my fate, what do I get from that? Well, I will feel worse than I already do, I will add to the pain of my friends and family, and it will spiral downhill. It doesn't sound fun to me, and there's no payoff for such behavior. Alternately, I can face the day with a smile - fake or not - on my face, and the rewards are huge. My daughter is happy in my presence, people surround me with love and caring, and the fake smile feels real when I'm surrounded in so many positive things.
I could lay in bed saying "It hurts." (Yes, it does. Of course it does - you can't remove a body part without pain.) But then life would pass me by, and I'd miss out on seeing Tessa make a new friend at the park, or I wouldn't be able to help myself by getting the post-mastectomy camisole. I could close my eyes and wait for it to go away...but I won't, not because I'm courageous, but because of my new realization (and fear) that this is the only life I've got, and I want to spend it LIVING.
I'm not brave. I'm not particularly courageous. I'm only doing the only thing that I know how to do. I want to live, and I want to feel the love of my friends and family around me. I want to see smiles around me, and I want to feel the happiness of others. When I give out sadness, sadness is reflected back at me (which is only natural). When I give out smiles, people open their hearts to me and laugh with me and make me forget what I'm going through. So, it's not a choice at all. I'm just doing what needs to be done.
I don't have a choice. Cancer took away a lot of my choices. I'm not brave or courageous, any more or less than those around me. I'm just living. One day at a time, I'm trying to figure out how to make this life of mine work, and how to best use my life. I will weep again, and I will allow myself to feel grief and pain, but I will not focus on those things. It doesn't help me, but it does hurt me to do so.
So, you may call me courageous or brave, but I will laugh (nicely, I hope!) in the face of such words. I'm only doing what needs to be done....and so are the people around me. None of you wanted to invite cancer into your lives, through my body, any more than I wanted this. And yet all of you are helping me in so many ways - through kind notes and calls, flowers, food, gifts small and large, helping to care for Tessa,and keeping my spirits up. None of you wanted to spend your summer caring for me, and yet there you are. So, you're just as brave as I am, as far as I'm concerned. We're all just doing the job as we best know how.
Thank you for being brave at my side. You are a courageous army, and I am proud of you. Together, I will agree, we ARE brave, and the strength of our numbers offers us great courage.
With love,
Kristina
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4 comments:
I know you are only doing what you know how but, what makes you brave and courageous is that you are choosing to face this thing head on. I know alternate ways to deal don't bring rewards but still many many choose that route. You have not. I am so proud and thankful that you are who you are. Your positive approach will bring your healing more quickly. You are indeed an amazing woman. And, we all knew that before the word cancer became part of our vocabulary.
Much love, Susan
We also check your blog daily, and maybe talk to you. It had occured to me,too,that your thoughts and feelings are surely the basis for a book/writing of some sort. You have a way of expressing yourself, an inspiration for others.
Love, Mom S
You don't think you're brave because you don't have any choices, but of course you have choices. You could choose to do everything you described: sit in bed, cry, and bemoan your fate. What sets you apart is that you don't even see that as an option. But perhaps you're right; perhaps it isn't courage. Perhaps it is wisdom that leads you to take this road, to keep smiling, to keep sending your optimism and hope out into the world.
Thank you for sharing and letting us reflect the light of that hope and optimism. I hope we make your world as bright as you make ours.
Bryona
Well, can I say that you are amazing? I check your blog regularly, and I think you are very inspirational. I hate that you can't hug your daughter too.
Thank you for sharing your journey.
Maegan (squid)
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