Humming along

Yesterday we (Ryan came with me) went to the Psycho Oncologist, Dr. Lipton, to discuss the impacts of cancer on our marriage and on Tessa. She was very reassuring, and basically said that with our rock solid foundation that we do not need to fear becoming a divorce statistic; cancer tends to illuminate whatever flaws there are in a marriage, but also illuminates strengths, and our relationship has more strengths than flaws. The doctor said that she has seen men come in and say "A breast is part of a woman's femininity. If she gives up her breast, I'm leaving." I cannot imagine the cruelty in such a statement, and it's pretty darn obvious that my loving husband didn't marry me for my breasts. (Actually, it was for my rear end. KIDDING!) Anyway, Ryan isn't that kind of guy, and we are determined to have this experience make us closer than ever before.

We will continue to be truthful with Tessa, answering her questions fully and giving her all of the age appropriate answers that we can. We will show her my scar when I'm a bit more healed, and we will not lie to her. The psychiatrist told us that children fear being lied to or having the truth hidden from them more than any other thing (whereas adults' number one fear is public speaking....) and we will not give Tessa reason to have this fear.

In positive news, I bumped into my surgeon (same office as the psychiatrist) and she was amazed at how well I looked. I am the model patient, and my healing is spectacular so far. I plan to keep up the good work. (Even though this means probably starting chemo...and feeling sick, and being bald...sooner, I won't fake it to avoid that. Even though I want to.)

Tessa had nightmares last night and came into our bed at 4:30am, crying out "No, Mommy! Nooo! No! Mama!" and she took a while to calm down. When she was calm, we asked if she was having bad dreams and she said yes. Bad dreams about cancer. She couldn't go back to sleep (and poor Ryan was up with her from 4:30-7:30 before he went to work) but she has seemed relatively happy this morning. She'll be having an early nap, and so will I. Send Ryan energy vibes - the poor guy probably needed a triple vente mocha to make it through the day.

Today is relatively calm, after our less-than-auspicious wake-up call. Caley is here and playing in the back yard with Tessa now, and soon we will have lunch, and then it's nap time. This afternoon we hope to go to the beach as the weather is fabulous.

So, as you can see, we're just humming along. We haven't heard biopsy results yet from the mastectomy, and I'll let you know when those come back.

With love,
Kristina