Taking control

Today I had my first weekly weigh in at Weight Watchers since I started doing the program. I have lost (drumroll, please) just over seven pounds! Of course, I'm delighted by this loss, though I wish I felt it more...it's a sign of how much I need to lose that seven pounds doesn't immediately make me look slimmer. In any case, I'm thrilled with my first week. I've shown amazing willpower towards food, but more importantly (to me) I am re-learning some eating habits and making better food choices. I'm looking at food on a weekly basis, and planning for "downfall" events like parties where I know there will be high-cal food, and as such I'm planning for success. (I know, for example, that if I want to go out for dinner on Saturday and not worry about what I'm going to order, then I should show restraint in my choices on the days leading up to Saturday, so that I can enjoy my treats on Saturday but not put on weight. This might seem pretty obvious to some people, but it wasn't obvious to me, and it's a huge "aha!" moment for me.)

One thing that I like about the WW plan is that I can still have treats - it's just about making choices. Today I had super healthy food all day, and that means that tonight I am enjoying a glass of wine. Any diet that allows a glass of wine makes sense to me! (I'm also eating more fruits and veggies than ever, however, as they have low points and fill me up if I'm hungry.)

Anyway, I'm taking control of what I can control. I can't make my hair grow, and I can't make treatment easier, but I can control what I eat and make healthy choices. I do not intend to beat breast cancer only to be taken down by heart disease...I intend to be healthy. Period.

All this thinking about food is also a way to avoid thinking about radiation. I completed my first true radiation today (number 2 of 34 appointments...number 1 of 33 treatments). It was fine. The people are nice. It doesn't hurt. I still don't want to do it. There's not much more to say about it than that, I think. I'll report on it later when I'm more in the mood.

Love,
Kristina

Pictures 4 weeks after chemo

Here are two pictures of my "bald" head, taken on Sunday. My duck fuzz is getting thicker and longer, though my scalp is still visible. I've taken to going out sans hat or scarf because I can't be bothered any more, and I have just enough fuzz to keep my head warm when I'm indoors. It's still pretty awful, as hair goes, but it's an improvement.

1 down, 33 to go

Today I showed up for the first of 34 radiation appointments. I have so many thoughts swimming in my head that I can barely sort them all out, but here is a start.

Perhaps some of you will remember that at my first meeting with Dr. Rinn, my oncologist, Ryan and I met a couple in the lobby who were dressed in black, Goth clothing. They were kind to us, and the woman was particularly helpful to me as she told me about chemo and tried to help me to believe that it wasn't going to be as bad as I expected; she truly helped to alleviate some of my fears. Anyway, today I saw her again for the first time. I walked right by, and then thought better of it, turned around, and approached her. I told her that she probably didn't remember me, but that I'd met her on my first day of chemo, and that I was truly grateful to her for helping me so much. She hugged me and told me that she was glad I'd stopped to tell her, and that I made it somehow worthwhile for her that she'd been able to help me. She told me that she'd been having a rough day, and that I had brought a smile to her face.

Here's the thing, though: she looked terrible. Her smile to me was genuine, but the sparkle in her eye was all but gone. Her skin was pale, and her teeth have blackened. She looked like she could barely walk, and like she was in a good deal of pain. When I saw her last July, she had already been in treatment for who-knows-how-long, and she had a bald head; today I had a bit more hair than she did. I can surmise what her definition of a "rough day" is, and the thought of it makes my chest contract and my eyes sting. It looks like the angel I met last July is fighting even more demons. I carry her in my heart and pray that she will win her battle.

I didn't realize until after I saw her just how much anxiety I have had about starting radiation. This morning I did a ton of chores around the house, catching up on things and actually working up a sweat I was doing so much and so quickly (playing with Tessa intermittantly between tasks), and I think that what I was really doing is preparing for another battle...perhaps one in which I won't be up to vacuuming or catching up on laundry or organizing a box of things to be donated. I thought that I was just being productive, but I think that somewhere in my head I am preparing to enter the chemo-like state again. The realization of this makes me sick.

With these thoughts in my head, I felt somewhat emotional as I met my radiation team. Four individuals (Maria, Luce, Jude and...oh no the name has slipped already!) will be performing all of my treatments, and they were very kind. I laid on the machine and they marked me up with even more ink, measuring and aligning the machine to set the coordinates so that the radiation will only hit the intended areas and not damage my heart, lungs, etc. This was the final step before beginning radiation in earnest tomorrow.

After radiation simulation, I went to Starbucks, and treated myself to a pastry. The Weight Watchers thing is going fabulously, and I really feel good, but I quite intentionally buried my anxiety in food. (I have enough points to do this, so it's not even cheating. I get weighed tomorrow and hope to report some weight loss then.)

I do not want to go back in that building every day for the next two months. More than that, though, I don't want to feel sick again. I feel so great right now that the idea that radiation might take away all of my newfound energy is...well, I don't have the right word for it. Disheartening. Terrifying. Painful. I don't want to go back. I know that radiation isn't chemo, and I don't expect the same thing, but as I lay on the radiation table I realized that I've been telling myself that radiation isn't a big deal and that it's just a minor inconvenience and that it's nothing compared to chemo. Well, as I walked through the 10 inch thick lead doors marked "caution" and as four people hovered over me and a giant machine whirred over and around me, moving into position, my left arm held uncomfortably above my head and my left chest (no longer a breast) exposed, I realized that this is real. This is not just "a little extra to make sure," it's deep treatment. And I know how treatment - surgery and chemo - has felt so far, and the idea of more of it is almost too much. Too, too much.

I think that this is the real reason I was so upset on the 28th when I was told that I'd have to wait to start radiation. I have gotten used to feeling good again and I've had time to remember what it means to be "normal", and I appreciate it more than ever before. And now I have to adjust to being a cancer patient again. Don't worry, I am not throwing myself into the pit of dispair and assuming the worst about my treatment (I am still hopeful that I'll feel great) but the truth is that when this is done I will have some, if not many, side effects, and it's not fun.

And then there's that Goth angel. I can wear my pink ribbon polarfleece, and I can roll my eyes at the thought of having stickers on my body for the next couple months, and I can publish a running commentary of my treatment on the internet, and I can do all of these things as a way of saying "I'm stronger than this! I have cancer, but cancer does not have me!" and I will raise money and I will walk 60 miles and I will volunteer....but despite those pretty, optimistic, positive actions, the truth is that this damn disease is ugly. UGLY. That Goth angel inspired such strength and courage when I met her in July, and this stupid disease is stealing so much from her. Today, she terrifies me.

I came home from radiation and sobbed on Ryan's shoulder for a moment. Then I emailed Starbucks to see what the nutritional information for the treat I had is so that I can calculate the points, and then I took Tessa to a playdate (where I had a lovely time). So life goes on. I will not remain a babbling mess, but today I am reminded of the road ahead. Again. I will continue to be optimistic, but every now and then the reality of my fear punches me in the stomach.

Kristina

Moving forward

Hello, friends. I haven't been updating much because (drumroll please) I've been out living my life and haven't had a chance to sit down. HURRAH! I feel somewhat human and up to most tasks, and I appreciate it like never before.

Yesterday I had a series of appointments and tests. Good news: my heart function (MUGA test) hasn't been impacted by all these toxic drugs, and I still test on the high end of normal. Hopeful for good news: I had another cat scan to check out the nodules in my lungs, and it looks like there hasn't been any change (which would confirm the suspicion that the nodules are scar tissue, not cancer); I should hear the final analysis in the next couple of days. More good news: my blood counts now test in the normal range! My doctor was amazed that I have recovered so quickly since chemo... and I'm amazed as well.

I am off and running and trying to get my life in order now that chemo is over - it's a new year for me in more ways than just the calendar change. To re-take control, I've signed up for Weight Watchers, and I'm very happy with that decision. It doesn't feel limiting to me at this (very early) stage, because I am just so hopeful that I can feel 100% healthy that the "sacrifice" of eating less, and eating more healthy foods, doesn't feel like a sacrifice at all, it feels like a gift to myself. I've done a couple training walks for the Breast Cancer 3-Day, and overall, my physical self feels fantastic compared to a mere three weeks ago. Really, I feel like a new woman.

And now I must run to co-op preschool with Tessa...more later!
Love,
Kristina

Off to the spa!

In a few minutes I'm leaving for The Salish to experience a day/night of pampering. Ryan got me a lovely package that includes an overnight and spa treatments, and I can't wait. My parents are watching Tessa (thanks, Mom & Dad) and Ryan will join me later in the evening...hurrah! (Thank you, Ryan, for your loving gift.)

Today is my brother's 30th birthday. I can not believe that my "kid" brother is now in his thirties, as somewhere in my head he's still about twelve years old. However, despite my twisted sense of time, Mike has indeed grown to be a kind, generous man and a devoted husband and father...and he is, indeed, thirty. Happy birthday, Mike. You'll always be "the kid" to me, but I certainly respect the person that you have become.

I have so much to blog that I haven't made time for - Christmas, New Year's, and the day to day, as well as my thoughts as I recover from chemo. These things will have to wait another day, however...and I'm off to the spa!

Love,
K

Frustration

This morning I went to my radiation simulation appointment. It went relatively well, I got my tattoos (two black dots), and I'm ready to go. However, somebody screwed up the scheduling. Dr. Morris told me, very distinctly, that she wanted me to be ready to start radiation on the 2nd. Well, apparently they don't have that note in the schedule, and Dr. Morris is on vacation, and they said they could get me going on the 16th. WHAT?! I negotiated them to the 10th, but they were very clear with me that this schedule could change at any time and I may not be able to start on the 10th.

Dammit. I just want this whole business over with, and a delay of even a day is unbearable. Two weeks is absolutely unacceptable. A week is incredibly frustrating.

I am scheduled for 33 treatments (Mon thru Fri at 1:45pm), with a finish date of February 27th. I won't mark that date on my calendar, though, as the start date is still not set in stone.

Damn, damn, damn. I really had my heart set on getting started with this so I could get finished with it, and it seems that the finish date gets pushed out farther and farther.

Sigh.

What's on the outside

(I will put a Christmas update posting another evening, I promise.)

I have been thinking a lot about what's on the outside - that is, my physical appearance. I know, I know, it's what's on the inside that counts. I know, inner beauty shines brighter and longer than outer beauty. I know that my friends and family love me for who I am, and not what I look like. I also know that I have a husband who assures me that he still finds me attractive, and a mother who still thinks that her little girl is beautiful. I know, I know, I know.

Here's the thing, though: I don't like what's happened on my outside. It may be shallow to think about, or to complain about, but the thing is that what's on the outside is real and tangible, and I hate what has become of my body. All of the assurances in the world that I look lovely can not change a few facts. I am still bald. (Yes, I have fuzz, but my scalp is still clearly visible.) I have no eyebrows. I have no eyelashes. I have gained 17 pounds on top of the extra weight I carried before chemo, and none of my old clothes fit. I am bloated. My skin breaks out regularly. I have no breast on my left side, and in its place I have a series of scars (a long, ugly one where the breast used to be; a shorter, deep one where the nodes were removed; and two centimeter long circular ones where the drains came out); on my right side (the "good" breast) I have a two inch scar where the portacath was inserted, and the portacath itself protrudes from under my skin, looking like the alien thing that it is. On my neck is another scar from where the portacath tubing was inserted. My fingernails and toenails are yellowy black from the chemo-poison, and they have rings on them marking the chemo treatments. My left arm and hand are slightly swollen from lymphedema. I am lacking pubic hair. I will gain more scars when my ovaries are removed, and when I undergo reconstruction.

It's a long list. I could handle one or two of these things better than I can handle the entire list. The list is too long.

When I look in the mirror, I don't see the person that I used to be. As a matter of fact, when I look at old pictures I see them with a certain detachment: it doesn't seem like me in the pictures any more. Even my face has changed shape and form from these changes, and I don't recognize the old me. I look at her and think how lovely she is. I miss her dreadfully.

Before anyone jumps in with a well intentioned "I don't see you like that" or "You're my friend/family member/whatever and I will always think that you're pretty," please stop. I am not fishing for compliments here, I'm laying it on the line to say that I recognize that this is my new reality, at least in the short term. Kind expressions denying these changes do not make me feel better, unfortunately, because the changes are real, unasked for, and diffucult to face, but denying them doesn't make them any less real or difficult. I am truly grateful for the love and support of those who care about me, but I don't think that anyone who hasn't been through this kind of thing can say the "right" thing.

I used to think that I didn't care much about what was on the outside. I've gone six months without getting my hair cut, I don't wear makeup, and my day-to-day fashion (usually jeans and t-shirts) is anything but fashionable. It turns out, however, that I actually did care. I wasn't thin, but my figure was feminine, and I liked my curves. My hair wasn't great, but it was soft and healthy. My dark eyebrows and eyelashes nicely defined my eyes. I looked healthy, and it turns out that there was a certain vanity in my lack of attention to my outward appearance.

I miss my old body more than I thought I would. Much more, actually. It turns out that what's on the outside DOES matter to me. What's on the inside matters more, I agree, but the outside counts too.

Some of what I've lost will return. I wll regain hair, eyelashes, and eyebrows that will be as good as the old ones. I will work hard to lose the weight and to get fit. The doctors will build me new breasts to replace the old ones. The new ones could never be as good (they'll be covered in scars and they won't be able to feel any sensations because they'll have no nerve endings), but they'll be better than what I've got. (I don't like my right breast any more because I see it as a potential timebomb, and I NEVER WANT TO DO THIS AGAIN...I would much rather have it removed and think that the risk of getting breast cancer again is reduced by its removal.)

I hope that as my body changes again, for the better, as I recover from treatment and get reconstruction, I can learn to feel feminine again. I feel as though my femininity has been removed completely from me. Outwardly, femininity is made of breasts, hair, eyelashes, and curves...all things that have been stolen from me. Inwardly, it helps to have estrogen...and I don't have that any more either.

Where am I going with all of this? I'm not sure. As I said, I do not want a series of denials out of all of this...I am not looking for compliments, I am just trying to share a difficult part of this journey. It's tough to acknowledge this part, because my Pollyanna nature wants to find something positive in it, but the truth is that there are no positive physical changes from this experience. Whatever inward strength I may gain from this experience, my body has been negatively impacted and will never fully recover.

It turns out that I do think that what's on the outside matters. I miss the old outside of me. I dislike the current outside of me. I hope that I can learn to like the future outside of me.

In the meantime, I struggle.

A regular day, but tired now

I had another good day - a playdate with Heather & Kelton on Vashon this morning (we made cookies, and Heather sent us home with some, much to Ryan's delight), and then grocery shopping in the afternoon, and then I made a (simple) dinner. Now I'm completely worn out, but I am hopeful that I will awaken tomorrow refreshed and ready to go. I'd better - I have a lot of Christmas stuff to complete.

Tomorrow I'll pick up the roast (and the horseradish, which I forgot to buy...oops!) and then we're set for all the Christmas groceries. I've got my food list of what I need to do and when, and tomorrow I'll bake some more.

I can't wait to awaken on Christmas morning, and to see the sparkle in Tessa's eye. There is too much to do between now and then, but it's worth it.

And now, off to bed I go, because today I know when to say "enough." Wrapping Tessa's presents can wait one more day.

Love,
Kristina

As the chemo leaves my system

Joy, joy, joy. Today at two o'clock in the afternoon, Ryan looked at me and said, "Usually at this time on a Wednesday, we'd be arriving at the doctor's office to start chemo." Well, not today, and hopefully never again! My heart skips a beat - happily - to think that I'm putting this chapter behind me.

The weekend was a bit rough because I was feeling the effects of the chemo, and on Monday I still didn't feel that great. Tuesday I felt a bit better, but much less than I'd hoped to, and my spirits sank a bit to think that chemo recovery was going to be harder than I thought. Then I woke up today, though...feeling good. At last! Today I've accomplished more than I had in weeks, and it feels marvelous. I know that I'm getting better because I'm seeing all kinds of things around the house that are bugging me and I'm making lists about what I need to do first, which projects to start, menus to plan, last minute Christmas tasks...and the ideas don't exhaust me, they energize me.

This weekend I did fundraising (Barnes & Noble gift wrapping, and the Farmer's Market) with my dear friends again - although they spent more time than I did as I got worn out too quickly. I am VERY pleased to report that these events have raised over $800 in cash donations for the 3-Day Walk. We are going to make a difference with this disease. We WILL find a cure.

Sunday evening Paul & Libby brought dinner, and we enjoyed chatting with them and catching up. We're looking forward to spending New Year's with them - that's a tradiation that we truly enjoy. (This year, Tessa's staying with Grammy & Grandpa. Hurrah - everybody will love that!)

We went to Portland on Monday and Tuesday to visit Ryan's parents, and we were both delighted to see that Dad is doing very well after his stroke. Dad's eyes still twinkle, and he's in good spirits, and his physical therapy is going well. We are all optimistic for a full recovery, and we're delighted at the progress he's making.

Today we went to PEPS at Beth's in the morning (and enjoyed cookie decorating for the kids - what a fun way to spend time), then lunched in the Junction with some PEPS friends, ran an errand or two, then came home. I started making my lists of things to do, then ran out to run more errands. While at Westwood Village, I hear my name being called, and lo and behold it's Michele - also sans child - calling me. We had a lovely chat for an hour at Starbucks before returning to our individual errands. Then, after returning home, we walked to friends' Kathleen & Jim's home, and the adults chatted and enjoyed a wonderful dinner (thank you Kathleen for slaving over the stove for us!) while the girls played and cavorted. Tessa and Elena are becoming the best of friends, and I really love hearing their giggles and watching them chase one another. (Sure, sharing is hard for them sometimes, but their joy far outweighs any bursts of temper.)

I have laundry to fold, lists to check, and lots to do tonight. I know I must pace myself but I feel such incredible joy to feel halfway like a normal human being that I'm savoring this newfound energy. I'll take it where I can find it!

Love to all,
Kristina

Done with chemo!

Well, folks, I did it. Sixteen chemo completed! When the machine beeped that I was done, a collective cheer went up. The prayer is that I never have to do this again. The party, however, was lovely, with friends and family coming by, and all the nurses stopping in to congratulate me. Thank you to those who came by to offer support, and to all those who left email and telephone messages for me. :-)

Right now the Benedryl (which makes me sleepy) and the Decadron (which makes me feel like I've had too much caffiene) are duking it out, and the Benedryl is winning, so I'm off to bed. Love to all!

Love,
Kristina

Sixteen is my lucky number

Today is number sixteen of sixteen. In July, when I started chemo, I could barely imagine what it would feel like to be done. Today, I will begin to find out! I dread the next week, but I am thrilled at the prospect of next Tuesday, when I'll be feeling a bit better, and I will start to feel better every day without knocking myself down with another chemo.

Some friends and family have agreed to meet me at the hospital for a final chemo party - hey, you know me, any excuse to have a party is a good one! I'll provide a cheese platter, cupcakes, and eclairs...and my friends and family will provide me with distraction so that I don't run out of the hospital screaming before it's done.

This is a time for reflection. After a few days, I'm sure that reflection will make it to the blog. ;-)

Love,
Kristina

The energy crisis

Well, after my last post I crashed again. Not unexpected, so not even disappointing. After a couple of activities on Saturday, I was just wiped out, and found myself crawling into my PJs just after 5pm to go to bed. Ryan brought me dinner on a tray (thank you to Ryan for delivering and Natasha for making...that meal fed us twice!) and I went to bed and to sleep early.

Today I feel better, though not lively, and I went to the Farmer's Market with Michele & Lori to do some more 3-Day fundraising. I am very pleased to say that we've brought in about $500 in cash (and one check) to date (and this is not yet reflected on the fundraising website as we're holding on to the cash to make just one deposit after our last winter day at the market, Dec. 18). The little bit here, little bit there, method of collecting donations is certainly making a difference, and I really have enjoyed spending time with Lori & Michele at the market, as well as with the Barnes & Noble group (Lori, Michele, Holly, and Donna....plus Jenny, who came after I left so I'm sorry I missed her).

Off to rest again now. Only a few more days 'til my last chemo!
Love,
K

A burst of energy

I have no idea where it came from, but in the past day I have actually been very active. Yesterday I took Tessa to preschool, then headed to a playdate with Marilyn & Damien (lovely), then came home to address Christmas cards and do a few chores, and then headed out to bookclub. This morning Ryan has Tessa at preschool, and I've added a few more Christmas cards to the pile now that I have their addresses, and in a moment I'll head off to the post office. Later today I'm going to Barnes & Noble in West Seattle to wrap presents as a fundraiser for the 3-Day, and I'm looking forward to hanging out with my girlfriends there, and to making progress on our fundraising goals.

I will take energy where I can find it, even if I have no idea where it's coming from! I hope that today finds you well, as well.

Love,
Kristina

Fifteen down, ONE TO GO!

One isn't so much. I can handle one more. Plus, I'm turning it into a party, and that makes it more fun.

Hurrah for the end of chemo - soon!
Kristina

Before and During (a.k.a. check out my head fuzz!)

I'm still waiting for the "after" pictures, of course. Here are two of my favorite pictures of myself (one was taken the day before my mastectomy with my hair "styled", with Carolyn & Susan; the other was taken at Daven's birthday party, with my hair air-dried, in July and is with Holly)...and here is the picture that I know you're dying to see: head fuzz! I don't have hair but I do have fuzz. Not bad for a girl still in chemo... I still consider myself bald, but there is hope for the future.

I used to loathe my hair. I was actually embarrassed by my hair. That seems so ridiculous now! Those pictures of the "old" me take my breath away - I can hardly believe that I looked so healthy. I look forward to more days with a full head of hair to follow.

Kristina

Updates

A couple more pictures for your viewing pleasure - one of Tessa and I at The Nutcracker, and one of Tessa being silly at the Santa breakfast last weekend.

I haven't been updating online very much because I have just been worn out. Every day we try to do one fun activity, but that's all that I have in me, and after that I find myself laying down or watching TV, but not reading or updating the blog. I seriously wonder if my brain has atrophied in this process - I truly hope that as I recover from chemo that my braincells will return along with my energy.

Last Saturday morning we took Tessa to the West Seattle Kiwanis Santa Breakfast benefiting Toys for Tots, and at the last minute the Perrys, the Braddock-Reifels, and the Starkey-Burdetts joined us there as well, making it quite the party. The girls (Nina, Lexi, and Tessa) ran around having a grand time, and Tessa sat with Santa and asked him for a pony. (We have explained to Tessa that she can't have a live pony in West Seattle - our yard isn't big enough and we don't have a barn. I'm a bit worried that she expects a live pony under the Christmas tree....!) We were supposed to go to Warm Beach with the Dahl clan that afternoon, and we'd hoped to go to Shannon & Doug's party, but since Saturday is my hard day and those things occurred later in the afternoon, we had to cancel attending both events, and I laid low. Bah humbug.

Then, on Sunday, finally, The Nutcracker! Tessa wore her fancy Christmas dress (as pictured in the last post) and we headed to McCaw Hall to see the Pacific Northwest Ballet. I had spoken to Tessa quite a bit about how this was a very special event, and that it was important not to make too much noise while the dancers and musicians were performing, and that I expected her to be on her best behavior. She heard what I said, and indeed, she behaved beyond my wildest dreams. Tessa was an angel throughout the performance, even turning to quietly whisper "Shhhh!" at the girls behind us who were chatting. (I quietly explained to Tessa that their mother could shush them, but that I appreciated how quiet Tessa was being.) Tessa sat on Grandpa's lap for most of the performance, and her eyes were even bigger than usual as she watched the dancers leap, twirl, spin, and cavort across the stage.

Tessa's favorite part was "the ponies." (During the mock battle with the toy soldiers and the mice, some soldiers come out on horseback.) However, she seemed to enjoy every minute, and actually laughed and clapped when the whirling dervish with Chinese dancers came out, and again when the peacock came out.

At the very end, with less than five minutes to go, Tessa crawled into my lap and said, "Mommy, when do I get to dance in The Nutcracker?" I promised her that if she wanted to, in a few years, we could try. Tessa does love her dance class, and who knows? Maybe on Sunday a ballerina was inspired.

My mom ("Grammy") gave Tessa a Clara ornament for the tree, and Tessa clasps it to her chest and dances with it...she'd sleep with it if we let her. (We do not. She's already broken off one foot, which we re-glued.)

And as for me? I'm not sure if I enjoyed Tessa's responses or the actual performance more. It's been a long time since I've been to the ballet, and I truly loved the beauty and grace of the dancers. (My personal favorite parts are the dance of the snowflakes, the dance of the sugarplum fairies, and the peacock.) I enjoyed getting dressed up, spending time with family, holding Ryan's hand during the performance, seeing all of the other people at the hall...really, I did enjoy every part (and I'm reminded how much I enjoy the ballet, symphony, and attending plays...I must do that more!). But I have to say that these things are at best only equal to the joy I felt in sharing all of this with Tessa. I think that Sunday was the fulfillment of a lifelong dream - sharing the festivities and the joy with my daughter, and seeing her enjoy it as much as I did, created a memory that will never fade. Sharing that memory with Ryan, my parents, and my grandmother only made it sweeter.

While I was at The Nutcracker, Lori & Michele were at the Farmer's Market, fundraising for our 3-Day team. They have made quite a bit of progress in fundraising already, and I'm so proud of them. We have a team of eight individuals so far, and we welcome others to join as well. It is going to be a fabulous event, and certainly I believe that the money is going to an amazing cause. I have received a few donations recently through the website from people I've never met, and this amazes me - thank you SO much to those who have donated. I'm touched by your generousity and spirit of giving.

And as for my health, and updates? Well, I will be glad to be done with chemo, that's for certain. Just when I think my energy is at all time lows, it hits another low, and this is frustrating. I can not "push through" the fatigue sometimes, and all I can do is lay down, and I hate that. But, it is what it is. Current symptoms from treatment include:
- Weight gain in the neighborhood of 15-20 pounds. UGH.
- Digestive woes. I still take Zofran (for nausea) with some regularity, and my digestive tract is a mess. (I will spare the details. It's not pretty.) Part of this is acid reflux, apparently...another side effect of the drugs.
- Nose bleeds. Taxol has dried out the membranes in my nose so that when I wipe my nose (which I must do constantly) it bleeds a bit.
- Neuropathy. I can not really feel the soles of my feet or my toes any more, and my pinky fingers and ring fingers are slightly numb as well.
- Fatigue.
- Insomnia. I take a sleeping pill every night and still have trouble sleeping through the night.
- Chemobrain. I can barely remember my own name. Horrible!
- Hot and cold flashes. If I'm not freezing, I'm frying. My thermostat is completely broken!
- Mouth sores. These feel a lot like cankers. Fortunately, I have prescription lozenges that help.
- Lymphedema. I'm in physical therapy now and I do manual lymphatic massage to help out; soon I will get fitted for a sleeve and glove to wear when I travel. This comes and goes, and mine is mild, but I still don't like it. My index finger looks like a sausage!
- I still don't have 100% mobility in my left arm (surgery side). The physical therapist is working on this with me.
- Bald. I have fuzz all over my head that really is growing, but this is not "real" hair and I want real hair! (I will have to post a picture soon of my fuzzy head, so others can see.)
- No eyebrows or eyelashes left at all. Yuck.
- Skin breakouts. All I can say to this is "You've got to be kidding!" Apparently, the steroid is the contributor to this. Bah humbug.

Maybe I've missed some things, but there it is. Today is chemo number fifteen, and next week is the last one. I truly look forward to that celebration! I know that radiation isn't "easy" but it's supposed to be a cakewalk compared to chemo, and I'm hoping and counting on that.

The good news, after that list of complaints? It isn't as bad as it could be. I am still able to enjoy myself sometimes. Yesterday, when Ryan was taking Tessa to Grammy & Grandpa's house, I actually walked (not quickly!) from my house to Michele's house, with a break at a coffee shop in the middle. I was able to enjoy the Nutcracker. There are small pockets of time when I am able to forget all of this, and there is great joy in that.

I hope that you are well - I send my love!
Kristina

The Nutcracker

A few pictures to capture the moments of the day... Descriptions of the day to follow!

Today is number fourteen

Fourteen is a much larger number to me than it ever used to be. I'm amazed to have come this far....but I'm also amazed to think of how far away sixteen feels.

The past week has passed by slowly. We had a good Thanksgiving day with my family, and I took particular joy in watching Tessa and Caleb play and enjoy one another's company. I am delighted that Tessa has a cousin her age that she sees so often, and I hope that they will share a lifetime of friendship with her cousins. Little Joshua is not far behind these two, I know, and I look forward to the day when the three children are playing games together.


Thanksgiving, my parents hosted us, and we feasted on turkey and all the trimmings. We also spent some time at the club, which was closed for the holiday (nice to have that in the family!), and Mike & Ryan played basketball, while my mom & I did some (very slow) walking around the track, and then all of us (plus my dad, the kids, and Krystal) hung out at the hot tub to relax before heading back up to the house for the big meal. It was very relaxing - thanks, Mom & Dad! The next day, we were able to visit at Eric & Alice's house, and see their guests (our friends) Jaki & Russ, Scott & Karen and to enjoy leftovers. I hung out with Jaki, Russ, and Karen while the other adults took the four kids up to the park to play soccer in the covered play structure (a wonderful idea for a very rainy day), and we all visited.

Somewhere in the past few days, I picked up a nasty cold/infection...the very last thing I needed. It comes with a cough and congestion and the usual nastiness of a chest cold, and I have less-than-usual-good-humor about it. On Monday I went on antibiotics, and I was prescribed a five day dosage, and hopefully that will clear it up completely.

Aside from that, pretty much the only other thing I've done in a week is, together with Ryan & Tessa, put up the Christmas tree. This is earlier than I've EVER done it before, but we were motivated by two things: first, that it is absolutely delightful to see Tessa get excited about Christmas and its trimmings, and it seems fitting to draw that out as long as possible; and second, bringing in the Christmas season seems to draw closer the end of chemo. I sit on the couch and watch Tessa redecorate the lower half of the tree for an hour at a time (she is truly fascinated by it, and loves her active roll in the decorating) each day, while I try to remember that at the height of this season I will be DONE with being poisoned...if Christmas is right around the corner, then the end of chemo must be close, as well.

My ability to deal with chemo, its side effects, and its emotional toll seems to be ending. I'm tired to the point that simple things completely wear me out, and I'm oh-so-tired of the digestive tract woes, numbness in hands and feet, BALDNESS (yes I have a head of fuzz, which is a wonderful step in the right direction....but it's FUZZ and you can still see my scalp: I want REAL hair just like everyone else), insomnia....etc, etc, etc. It's whining to keep repeating my list but it really is taking a physical toll on me.

I hold Tessa sometimes and just tell her how sorry I am that her mommy doesn't have the energy to play. This brings tears to my eyes...I am not who I want to be right now.

Throughout this, Ryan's help with Tessa and around the house is invaluable. He has taken on pretty much everything, and I do very little. I would be lost without him.

So, today is number fourteen. Next week is number fifteen. And then, I will try to turn number sixteen into a party...I plan to bring food and drinks, and friends and fmaily are invited to drop in to say hi and celebrate with me (email me if you want details of when and where). It's not the end of treatment, but it's the end of what I hear is the nastiest part of treatment, and I will celebrate milestones whereever I can!

Sending my love,
Kristina

Comments vs. Spam

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

I just changed an option on my blog so that anyone entering a comment - which I love! - will have to do a "word verification." I apologise for any inconvenience this may cause, but in addition to the great comments that I receive from friends, family, and assorted loyal readers, I've been getting a lot of spam comments lately, and this should prevent that. (I'm not interested in plastic surgery in Hawaii, thank you, and stop emailing me!!!)

Please keep commenting. I love to hear from you, to see who is reading, and all that.

Kristina

13 down, 3 to go!

(Edited on 11/30 to have the right count....)

I'm home from chemo, and it went well. I even got my favorite nurse today, because she has signed up to be "my" nurse because we hit it off so well, and so when my chart came in she made sure to catch me. I like that. :-)

Chemo went well - it was uneventful. THANK YOU to Michele for driving me there, and to Ryan & Tessa for picking me up.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I will probably spend a good deal of tomorrow curled up on the couch at my parents' house, but that's okay...less than a month, and I will be done with this part of the catastrophe! I'm looking forward to time with family, to watching the cousins (Tessa, Caleb, and Joshua) interact, and to eating turky.

Love,
Kristina