Updates

A couple more pictures for your viewing pleasure - one of Tessa and I at The Nutcracker, and one of Tessa being silly at the Santa breakfast last weekend.

I haven't been updating online very much because I have just been worn out. Every day we try to do one fun activity, but that's all that I have in me, and after that I find myself laying down or watching TV, but not reading or updating the blog. I seriously wonder if my brain has atrophied in this process - I truly hope that as I recover from chemo that my braincells will return along with my energy.

Last Saturday morning we took Tessa to the West Seattle Kiwanis Santa Breakfast benefiting Toys for Tots, and at the last minute the Perrys, the Braddock-Reifels, and the Starkey-Burdetts joined us there as well, making it quite the party. The girls (Nina, Lexi, and Tessa) ran around having a grand time, and Tessa sat with Santa and asked him for a pony. (We have explained to Tessa that she can't have a live pony in West Seattle - our yard isn't big enough and we don't have a barn. I'm a bit worried that she expects a live pony under the Christmas tree....!) We were supposed to go to Warm Beach with the Dahl clan that afternoon, and we'd hoped to go to Shannon & Doug's party, but since Saturday is my hard day and those things occurred later in the afternoon, we had to cancel attending both events, and I laid low. Bah humbug.

Then, on Sunday, finally, The Nutcracker! Tessa wore her fancy Christmas dress (as pictured in the last post) and we headed to McCaw Hall to see the Pacific Northwest Ballet. I had spoken to Tessa quite a bit about how this was a very special event, and that it was important not to make too much noise while the dancers and musicians were performing, and that I expected her to be on her best behavior. She heard what I said, and indeed, she behaved beyond my wildest dreams. Tessa was an angel throughout the performance, even turning to quietly whisper "Shhhh!" at the girls behind us who were chatting. (I quietly explained to Tessa that their mother could shush them, but that I appreciated how quiet Tessa was being.) Tessa sat on Grandpa's lap for most of the performance, and her eyes were even bigger than usual as she watched the dancers leap, twirl, spin, and cavort across the stage.

Tessa's favorite part was "the ponies." (During the mock battle with the toy soldiers and the mice, some soldiers come out on horseback.) However, she seemed to enjoy every minute, and actually laughed and clapped when the whirling dervish with Chinese dancers came out, and again when the peacock came out.

At the very end, with less than five minutes to go, Tessa crawled into my lap and said, "Mommy, when do I get to dance in The Nutcracker?" I promised her that if she wanted to, in a few years, we could try. Tessa does love her dance class, and who knows? Maybe on Sunday a ballerina was inspired.

My mom ("Grammy") gave Tessa a Clara ornament for the tree, and Tessa clasps it to her chest and dances with it...she'd sleep with it if we let her. (We do not. She's already broken off one foot, which we re-glued.)

And as for me? I'm not sure if I enjoyed Tessa's responses or the actual performance more. It's been a long time since I've been to the ballet, and I truly loved the beauty and grace of the dancers. (My personal favorite parts are the dance of the snowflakes, the dance of the sugarplum fairies, and the peacock.) I enjoyed getting dressed up, spending time with family, holding Ryan's hand during the performance, seeing all of the other people at the hall...really, I did enjoy every part (and I'm reminded how much I enjoy the ballet, symphony, and attending plays...I must do that more!). But I have to say that these things are at best only equal to the joy I felt in sharing all of this with Tessa. I think that Sunday was the fulfillment of a lifelong dream - sharing the festivities and the joy with my daughter, and seeing her enjoy it as much as I did, created a memory that will never fade. Sharing that memory with Ryan, my parents, and my grandmother only made it sweeter.

While I was at The Nutcracker, Lori & Michele were at the Farmer's Market, fundraising for our 3-Day team. They have made quite a bit of progress in fundraising already, and I'm so proud of them. We have a team of eight individuals so far, and we welcome others to join as well. It is going to be a fabulous event, and certainly I believe that the money is going to an amazing cause. I have received a few donations recently through the website from people I've never met, and this amazes me - thank you SO much to those who have donated. I'm touched by your generousity and spirit of giving.

And as for my health, and updates? Well, I will be glad to be done with chemo, that's for certain. Just when I think my energy is at all time lows, it hits another low, and this is frustrating. I can not "push through" the fatigue sometimes, and all I can do is lay down, and I hate that. But, it is what it is. Current symptoms from treatment include:
- Weight gain in the neighborhood of 15-20 pounds. UGH.
- Digestive woes. I still take Zofran (for nausea) with some regularity, and my digestive tract is a mess. (I will spare the details. It's not pretty.) Part of this is acid reflux, apparently...another side effect of the drugs.
- Nose bleeds. Taxol has dried out the membranes in my nose so that when I wipe my nose (which I must do constantly) it bleeds a bit.
- Neuropathy. I can not really feel the soles of my feet or my toes any more, and my pinky fingers and ring fingers are slightly numb as well.
- Fatigue.
- Insomnia. I take a sleeping pill every night and still have trouble sleeping through the night.
- Chemobrain. I can barely remember my own name. Horrible!
- Hot and cold flashes. If I'm not freezing, I'm frying. My thermostat is completely broken!
- Mouth sores. These feel a lot like cankers. Fortunately, I have prescription lozenges that help.
- Lymphedema. I'm in physical therapy now and I do manual lymphatic massage to help out; soon I will get fitted for a sleeve and glove to wear when I travel. This comes and goes, and mine is mild, but I still don't like it. My index finger looks like a sausage!
- I still don't have 100% mobility in my left arm (surgery side). The physical therapist is working on this with me.
- Bald. I have fuzz all over my head that really is growing, but this is not "real" hair and I want real hair! (I will have to post a picture soon of my fuzzy head, so others can see.)
- No eyebrows or eyelashes left at all. Yuck.
- Skin breakouts. All I can say to this is "You've got to be kidding!" Apparently, the steroid is the contributor to this. Bah humbug.

Maybe I've missed some things, but there it is. Today is chemo number fifteen, and next week is the last one. I truly look forward to that celebration! I know that radiation isn't "easy" but it's supposed to be a cakewalk compared to chemo, and I'm hoping and counting on that.

The good news, after that list of complaints? It isn't as bad as it could be. I am still able to enjoy myself sometimes. Yesterday, when Ryan was taking Tessa to Grammy & Grandpa's house, I actually walked (not quickly!) from my house to Michele's house, with a break at a coffee shop in the middle. I was able to enjoy the Nutcracker. There are small pockets of time when I am able to forget all of this, and there is great joy in that.

I hope that you are well - I send my love!
Kristina