Today is number fourteen

Fourteen is a much larger number to me than it ever used to be. I'm amazed to have come this far....but I'm also amazed to think of how far away sixteen feels.

The past week has passed by slowly. We had a good Thanksgiving day with my family, and I took particular joy in watching Tessa and Caleb play and enjoy one another's company. I am delighted that Tessa has a cousin her age that she sees so often, and I hope that they will share a lifetime of friendship with her cousins. Little Joshua is not far behind these two, I know, and I look forward to the day when the three children are playing games together.


Thanksgiving, my parents hosted us, and we feasted on turkey and all the trimmings. We also spent some time at the club, which was closed for the holiday (nice to have that in the family!), and Mike & Ryan played basketball, while my mom & I did some (very slow) walking around the track, and then all of us (plus my dad, the kids, and Krystal) hung out at the hot tub to relax before heading back up to the house for the big meal. It was very relaxing - thanks, Mom & Dad! The next day, we were able to visit at Eric & Alice's house, and see their guests (our friends) Jaki & Russ, Scott & Karen and to enjoy leftovers. I hung out with Jaki, Russ, and Karen while the other adults took the four kids up to the park to play soccer in the covered play structure (a wonderful idea for a very rainy day), and we all visited.

Somewhere in the past few days, I picked up a nasty cold/infection...the very last thing I needed. It comes with a cough and congestion and the usual nastiness of a chest cold, and I have less-than-usual-good-humor about it. On Monday I went on antibiotics, and I was prescribed a five day dosage, and hopefully that will clear it up completely.

Aside from that, pretty much the only other thing I've done in a week is, together with Ryan & Tessa, put up the Christmas tree. This is earlier than I've EVER done it before, but we were motivated by two things: first, that it is absolutely delightful to see Tessa get excited about Christmas and its trimmings, and it seems fitting to draw that out as long as possible; and second, bringing in the Christmas season seems to draw closer the end of chemo. I sit on the couch and watch Tessa redecorate the lower half of the tree for an hour at a time (she is truly fascinated by it, and loves her active roll in the decorating) each day, while I try to remember that at the height of this season I will be DONE with being poisoned...if Christmas is right around the corner, then the end of chemo must be close, as well.

My ability to deal with chemo, its side effects, and its emotional toll seems to be ending. I'm tired to the point that simple things completely wear me out, and I'm oh-so-tired of the digestive tract woes, numbness in hands and feet, BALDNESS (yes I have a head of fuzz, which is a wonderful step in the right direction....but it's FUZZ and you can still see my scalp: I want REAL hair just like everyone else), insomnia....etc, etc, etc. It's whining to keep repeating my list but it really is taking a physical toll on me.

I hold Tessa sometimes and just tell her how sorry I am that her mommy doesn't have the energy to play. This brings tears to my eyes...I am not who I want to be right now.

Throughout this, Ryan's help with Tessa and around the house is invaluable. He has taken on pretty much everything, and I do very little. I would be lost without him.

So, today is number fourteen. Next week is number fifteen. And then, I will try to turn number sixteen into a party...I plan to bring food and drinks, and friends and fmaily are invited to drop in to say hi and celebrate with me (email me if you want details of when and where). It's not the end of treatment, but it's the end of what I hear is the nastiest part of treatment, and I will celebrate milestones whereever I can!

Sending my love,
Kristina