Breathe in, breathe out

When I breathe in, I breathe in peace;
When I breathe out, I breathe out love.

So goes one of my favorite UU hymns.

Today I am feeling better than I did yesterday, and that's good, because yesterday I felt horrible. I am finding this round of testing really difficult and overwhelming, but I feel like I'm coming out of that a big fog.

I am hoping that the PET is actually perfect for me. I am hoping that it doesn't show any kind of cancer symptom(s), and that I will not require further testing or surgery.

I'm trying not to think about Monday. I have to fast on Sunday, and Monday I'm only allowed water before the test. I got a prescription for anti-anxiety meds to help me through, and I have a friend to drive me.

One day at a time. Maybe by my birthday (Wednesday) the nightmare will be over and the sun will shine?

And the answer is...

...I dunno.

They took my blood pressure at the doc - 164/94. Holy smokes. It's "situational" as usually my BP is around 112-120/70-80, but I could FEEL my blood in my veins I was so stressed out. (They were more amused than worried - at normal appts I really am fine.)

We discussed it all. In the end, one more test - a PET scan.
http://www.breastcancer.org/symptoms/testing/types/pet.jsp
Hopefully it will give us a definitive answer. Wouldn't it be great if I could avoid surgery?

I am EXHAUSTED by all of this.

PET is Monday. Fasting prior to the scan....fun fun.

Thanks for caring, everyone.

Trying to remain calm

Now that Tessa is (happily) at school, fear is making itself known. I took Shep for a walk this morning along Alki, and stopped mid-way to meditate along the sea wall. I'm listening to calming music. I am trying very hard to remain calm.

Because without a lot of effort, I feel like I could have a panic attack.

Several lovely and loving friends offered to come with me today to my 3:15 appointment, and at the last minute I did accept Sarah's offer because she can bring her baby with her and doesn't need to take time off work. THANK YOU Heather & Lori for also volunteering.

So I'm just going to keep distracting myself, and try not to throw up.

Please pray that I will make the right decision about surgery (or not), and that I will find peace in that decision. And whatever happens, please pray that the cancer isn't back.

I will update when I have more info.

Highs and lows

High:
Today was Tessa's first day of first grade, and it was a smashing success. She loved just about everything about it, from the teacher to the reading nook (filled with stuffed animals) to the new principal to all of her classmates to the activities (self portraits, writers' workshop, story time). Her new teacher is known for being strict, but she is equally known for being warm and kind. This is an exactly what I think Tessa needs, and I believe she'll thrive in this environment.

Lows:
Tomorrow I meet with a surgeon to discuss my swollen lymph nodes and to decide whether it is worth surgically removing them. I am hoping and praying that I walk away tomorrow with a strong sense of the right path, whether that is surgery or not. The uncertainty is torturous. So is surgery, of course, but my fear is that if I leave the nodes in then I will continue with sleeplessness and fear for months. I do not know what I "should" do and I hope that the good doctor will help me to choose the right path.

Tonight I feel sick to my stomach (literally) worrying, and sad because I am not able to just revel in the day's successes. Hopefully by tomorrow night I will feel calmer.

Raining

At this time of year, I love the rain - the sound of it, and particularly the smell of it. It washes away the accumulated dust of summer and refreshes. It sends me back indoors to cups of steaming tea and good books and soft throw blankets and quiet music and family board games. It feels rich and lush on my skin, and on the dry grass.

But it also feels appropriately gray. I never met Lisa in person, but I am grieving.

I am struggling with my own medical situation, too. Next week I need to decide, with the help of my surgeon, whether to undergo surgery again. I am struggling with the idea that I might have cancer again. I am not sleeping well; I have a hard time falling asleep and then I wake up in the middle of the night and lie there, restless and slightly scared. My sleep is fitful. What is my life bringing me next? Am I strong enough to handle another hit? How can I protect my family from the pain that comes with such a hit? How can I stop from going insane in the process?

I am still praying that it is nothing, of course. But part of the struggle is accepting that this is my path for the rest of my life: there will be tests, and there will be fear, and there will be waiting. Never again will I be normal, never again will I be innocent. My knowledge carries a heavy
price.

Praying that it is nothing.

And trying to live my life fully, and not just crawl into bed for the next week.

I remain very focused on my efforts to cook sustainable, local, seasonal, healthy food. We eat tomatoes with every meal right now; last night I brought bruschetta to my girls' night in potluck with friends; today, I'll make that again or maybe switch up to insalate caprese. Katie gave me more plums, and I'm in the middle of making jam - "real" jam, not the freezer variety - for the first time. (Thanks to Kathleen for giving me her canning stuff.) If it wasn't raining today I'd hoped to pick blackberries for more jam.

Yesterday Tessa and I went downtown with friends to SAM and the water taxi and the Pike Place donut shop (I didn't eat any donuts - yay me).

Today we're having some friends over for an end of summer BBQ....indoors, apparently, because of the rain.

Next week, Tessa begins school. We've got her school supplies (with horse pictures on them) and her backpack (with a horse on it) and her new clothes (mostly with horse motifs).

I'm moving my herbs out of pots and into the ground, so that they will be in the front of the house and have a chance to grow more.

It takes effort to do these fun things, or these chores, because there is a big part of me that wants to curl up in a ball and cry "I'm so scared, I'm so scared."

On Thursday I hope to have the surgery/no surgery decision. Most of all, I hope to find peace.

I'm glad there is church tomorrow.

Loss

I have mentioned before that someone I "know" on the YSC was dying, and that I struggle with that.

Today, Lisa died.

She was a mentor, a bright light, a wise voice in the darkness. I miss her already.

Sbe shared this song as a favorite, and it speaks to how I'm feeling now.
---------------
Jane Siberry - Calling All Angels lyrics
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A man is placed upon the steps,
a baby cries
And high above him
you hear the church bells start to ring.
The heaviness, the heaviness of it settles in,
A mother starts to sing.
Then it's one foot then the other
as you step along the road
Steppin' on the road,
how much weight,
how much weight?
And it's how long
and how far and how many times,
Oh, before it's too late?
Calling all angels,
Calling all angels.
Walk me through this one,
don't leave me alone.
Calling all angels,
Calling all angels.
We're trying,
we're hoping,
but we're not sure how...
Oh and every day you gaze upon the sunset
With such love and intensity.
Why it's almost as if, if you could only crack the code
You'd finally understand what this all means.
Oh but if you could, do you think you would
Have traded all the pain and suffering?
Oh, but then you would've missed the beauty of the light upon this earth
And the sweetness of the leaving.
Calling all angels,
Calling all angels!
Walk me through this one,
don't leave me alone
Calling all angels,
calling all angels,
We're trying, we're hoping
but we're not sure...
Calling all angels (call all angels)
Calling all angels (call all angels)
Walk me through this one
Don't leave me alone.
Calling all angels,
Calling all angels
We're trying,
we're hoping,
we're hurting,
we're loving
We're crying,
we're calling,
But we're not sure how this goes."

SIGG bottles and BPA

Check this out:
http://www.sigg.com/news-media/press-releases/press-releases-detail/ceo-letters-about-our-liners

I chose SIGG bottles specifically because I did not believe that they had BPA (a chemical used in some plastic bottles, and can linings, which is a known carcinogen found in high concentration in breast cancer tumors, among other things). Well, this month it has come to light that until August 2008, SIGG liners did indeed contain trace amounts of BPA. Since that time, they have changed, and newer SIGG bottles do not have BPA.

I am pleased that the company has corrected their policy, and that they are offering free bottles as replacements to existing customers. I'm gathering up my bottles and sending them in, and encourage you to do the same. Their website has shipping labels and information about returns, including how to tell if your bottle is the old style with BPA or the new, BPA style. (Hint: if you have a bronze interior on your bottle, it's the old style; if it's a matte finish yellow interior, it's the new style. But check out their website to learn more.)

I'm disappointed that it took a year for SIGG to advertise this information; I have used my Buddha bottle for well over a year, and I probably drank on average two full containers from it each day as my primary source for water. I'd given SIGG bottles as gifts, too, and I've talked up the company on here on my blog as a green alternative to plastic or one use bottles. Still, I am glad that the information is public now, and that the company is willing to take a loss to do what is right to correct the situation by replacing older bottles. The cost of shipping the bottles back is well worth it to me.

Since I left my Buddha bottle at the zoo last week, I need to get it back before I send mine in. I'll update on my response from SIGG after I've sent mine in and (hopefully) received replacements.

Catching up

I haven't been online as much lately - not really sure why, just not in the mood.

We had a fabulous time at Cannon Beach. Sand castles, coffee, kites, run on the beach (me), bike rides (Ryan), and just those simple pleasures. We love the Surf Sand hotel that we go to.

And, treat of treats - we got to see the Shogrens! We ran into our old friends, and had some wonderful time together.

Now we're home, and doing small things...a BBQ with neighbors (fun), church (nice to be back), Farmer's Market, little house projects. We're eating a lot from our garden - today we harvested a nice basket of pears, and every day we're harvesting tomatoes, especially cherry tomatoes by the hundreds. (Matt's Wild Cherry is VERY prolific, for those who want to know.) Tonight I made pasta (fresh from the market) with zuchinni and crookneck (from Sarah's garden and ours, respectively), tomatoes (garden), basil (market), chantrelles (market), goat and parmesan cheese (TJs) with just a little garlilc, salt, and olive oil. Okay, a dab of butter too, I'll confess. Anyway, it was delicious, and tasted so amazingly fresh - not surprising, given that most of it had been picked that day.

On a more substantive note...
I am still struggling with medical issues. I spoke to my oncologist about my recent test results, and she told me (as I thought) that an FNA (fine needle aspiration) biopsy is not 100% definitive. My lymph nodes are still large, and we don't know why. I am not happy about the wait and see process if there might be cancer growing inside me - either lymphoma or breast cancer could do this. I have an appointment on September 10 to meet with my breast surgeon to discuss options. If she thinks it is advisable to wait, I will wait. If she thinks that I should have surgery to have the entire nodes (one at my sternum, resting on my lung, in the center of my chest; the other two deep in my armpit) removed/biopsied, I will do that. It would be a serious surgery, more scarring, more recovery. It goes without saying, I hope, that I dread the idea, and that I don't want to go under the knife again. Still, I will go with her recommendation because my onc and I are both on the fence about whether it's a good idea.

What a roller coaster. It makes my back tight just thinking about it.

Still, we are enjoying summer's lazy days. Yesterday Katie delivered a basket of plums, and I made two plum cakes for a BBQ, and gave her a basket of tomatoes in return. There is much to be grateful for.

Off to Portland/Cannon Beach

We leave today for vacation - have a good week, everyone.

In the minority

The bag fee did not pass:
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/politics/2009686467_elexseabagfee19m.html

I'm disappointed. I am sure we have not heard the end of it, though, and I hope that one day we look back at this and say "things were sure different back then."

Some say that instead of having a twenty cent tax, we should just ban plastic bags. I'm okay with that, actually.

Never ending appointments

This morning I went back to Swedish for my Zometa infusion. I have had a lot of hand holding this week; this time it was Sarah with baby Leif. (My gratitude to my friends...I am so blessed.)

Two tries for the IV, and the appointment lasted two and a half hours, but otherwise uneventful. Now I get to wait and see if I get "flu like symptoms" in the next day as a side effect like last time.

Sometime this week I need a chest x-ray just to confirm what is going on with my lymph nodes. My CBC (bloodwork) came back a-okay, but nobody knows why my nodes are so very large.

I don't feel elated about my good news because it seems like it's uncertain. "Probably" no big deal. I just keep that I will start to feel much better when all these tests are fully behind me....just the x-ray left.

And now: back to chores, and a rather recalcitrant, sassy six year old. Please, where is my dear sweet Tessa? She is in major disequilibrium right now and I'm trying not to engage in power struggles....but we are struggling. Deep breaths....

Exhausted

Is it this week? Is it spending two hours waiting for my appointment at Swedish today? Is it yet another blood draw? Am I still just coming down from the stress of the biopsy?

Whatever it is, I am so very tired. To the point of not being able to cope. Off to bed!

Some observations about the bag tax

Seattle needs to decide whether to accept a twenty cent bag tax.

Some observations:
- When I was in Italy for three months in 1994, I went grocery shopping my first week. The clerks looked at me, confused - where was my bag? How did I expect to bring home my purchases? In Sienna, you bring your own bag. No questions, just everybody does it. People in Sienna are rich and poor, young and old, and somehow, they all do this.

- Most stores sell reusable bags for one or two dollars, or even give them away for promotions. The reusable bags are not expensive, and what's more, most people have a dozen reusable bags or totes that they could use already, without buying more. Most people I know also have a stash of paper and plastic bags from previous shopping trips that could last them months.

- The plastics industry has spent over a million dollars to try to fight this legislation. It could have provided a million reusable bags instead for the same cost.

- When asked, many Seattleites oppose the bag tax, feeling annoyed by yet another expenditure. But those same Seattleites point out that if they were charged for bags, they'd be more likely to bring their own bags.

- The poor are not likely to suffer from this legislation, despite what the anti-reusable-bag folks have said. Poor people are not stupid, and they are perfectly capable of bringing their own reusable bags with them, and they will. Food banks will hand out food in reusable bags, and people will donate reusable bags to the food banks. (I have a half dozen of them in my attic waiting to be delivered.)

- Approximately 30% of customers are bringing their own bags already. I think that this is up about 30% from five years ago. People CAN change, and though people resist change, it isn't that painful. 30% have already figured that out.

- I decided a year or two ago not to bring any more one use bags into my house. In that time, I think I've brought in five (because I forgot my bag, or my items didn't fit into my bag). I used to bring home 1-2 bags a day on average, so by that calculation I've saved probably 600 bags in a very short amount of time.

- The way that I remembered my bags was by promising myself that I would not shop without them. If I'm in the grocery lineup and remember that I forgot them in the car, I exit the line (taking care not to make people wait for me) if necessary, I park my cart somewhere, tell a clerk I'll be right back, and run to my car to retrieve the bags. This is annoying, and so after doing that perhaps three times, I don't forget my bags any more. If I can learn, you can too.

- I carry a bag in my purse. When buying Tessa a few school clothes items at Old Navy last week, I said "I have my own bag" and put the clothes in that bag. Invariably, I get the same comments from the clerk each time. No, not "why on earth did you bring a bag?" but "oh that's such a cute bag - what a good idea!" I love my purse bag because it has a darling style, it's very strong (I've hauled milk, canned goods, etc in it before with no problem), and best of all it folds up really small so that it fits in my purse and I simply always have it with me. I use it, refold it, and back into my purse it goes, alongside my wallet and keys.

In my opinion, if the bag tax passes, the best thing that could happen is that no money would be made on the bag tax. If everyone brought their own bags, nobody would have to spend extra money at all, and the environment would be a winner. And "the environment" is you and I: the air we breathe, the water

we drink. We all win.

Think about it, please.

And in case you've missed it other times, the bag I love is called Envirosax. They come out with new patterns each season. I have two of them, and one is coming up on two years old, I think, and none-the-worse-for-wear. I use one of them almost daily. (I only have two because I am a bag lady who loves a pretty bag!)
http://www.envirosax.com/products/graphic_series/
They are available widely; PCC stocks them, and so do some of the cute shops in The Junction.

Ryan has a Chico bag, which is a lot more masculine (it's plain), but the same idea and a little less expensive:
http://www.chicobag.com/p-16-chicobag-original.aspx
We got his at Thriftway.

I'm not in the bag business, so I'm not invested in anybody buying bags. You can use the freebie given to you at your last conference, or you can reuse the plastic bags in your cupboard, or you can stick things in your purse (purses are really large these days!), or tuck them in your diaper bag, or your computer bag, or your briefcase, or for small items, just say "I don't need a bag" and carry it out in your hand.

This isn't rocket science. And it isn't difficult, either, and once you get used to it, it becomes second nature.

Thanks for considering.

The next day

Today definitely feels like "the first day of the rest of my life." I feel like I have been given another chance - not just a second chance, but another chance - to live my life. This comes with the reminder that it is the only life I have, and that I must give it my all, offering my life the best of myself.

It means I must be true to myself.

I continue to think about what this means to me. What does my "best life" look like? What internal factors am I in control of? Where do I need to change? Where should I stay the course? I think that this is less about going a different direction in my life, and more about tweaking the details. I want to spend my time more wisely, I want to take better care of my body, I want to leave off the excuses.

In the depth of my fear, I was bargaining with God. Of course, I don't believe that God takes these kinds of bargains, but none-the-less, I was bargaining. I need to exercise more, eat more healthy food, less wine, more writing, more structure to my day. Really, I am bargaining with myself, as we all have God within us, I think. This is my life, and I must live up to it. Care of the shell of my body will pay off.

I am just so incredibly grateful to have yet another opportunity to appraise my life from a healthy vantage point. I am tired of wake-up-calls, but I will take the blessing along with the curse. I am thankful to be approaching my fortieth birthay, thankful to see Tessa enter first grade, thankful for my comfortable home, thankful for my community, thankful for my family, thankful for my friends, thankful for the black and white cat curled up at my feet and thankful for the big black dog who gazes at me so adoringly. I'm thankful for the books that are in piles all through my house, and for the many West Seattle libraries which bring even more books in. I'm thankful for garden fresh tomatoes, and for hot sunny days followed by cool damp ones.

I'm thankful for Tessa's laughter as we danced in the kitchen yesterday.

I'm thankful for my big cup of coffee this morning (thanks, Ryan).

I am so thankful for my life.

What I didn't predict...

...is how tired I would be after all this. HUGELY relieved, but exhausted.

Great news

BENIGN!

Oh thank you thank you thankyouthankyouthankyou...

More info to follow, but I wanted to post this as soon as I could.

No news

I did call and pester my oncologist's office, but I don't have any news to report. Hopefully tomorrow.

And no question what I'm hoping and praying for!

Keeping busy

I doubt I will hear anything about my biopsies until tomorrow, and so we're just forging ahead with our regular plan. Today Tessa and I will hang out with my parents; unfortunately, I'm not allowed to go swimming but I'll sit poolside and watch. Anyway, I won't be near the computer but trust me, if I get an update, I'll update tonight.

Thank you so much for your messages and continued prayers.

Home from biopsy

It's been a rough afternoon. My appointment was at 1pm and I got home at 5:30pm with light traffic.

The first problem was that they needed some special solution to put the biopsy samples in to test for lymphoma, and they didn't have any at the nuclear medicine place. I sat around in a stupid gown for an hour and a half before I got started.

WHAT???? Lymphoma?

They took six needle aspirations from 2 different locations on my right (untreated) side: one not far from the center of my chest, and the other under my armpit. They dug around for a full hour plus, no joking, under guidance of ultrasound.

She kept saying "It could just be inflammatory." I kept repeating, "You mean an inflammation, right? Not inflammatory breast cancer?" and she was like, "ummm, yah." Sigh. It could be metastases. It could be lymphoma. Or it could be "just an inflammation."

Biopsy results in 24 to 48 hours. In the meantime, I'm poked full of holes, and I have ice packs wedged into my little A-cup bra.

It's been a rough day. Thank you for your continued prayers.

Salmon fillets in red wine

Mark Bittman and Deborah Madison are my chosen muses (great food, but not fussy; check out their cookbooks), and today's dish comes from Bittman, because I had some salmon fillets in the freezer and Madison is vegetarian. We've got some garden tomatoes to serve on the side, and I've been debating whether insalate caprese would be too much with this dish (salmon is pretty rich, after all).

Next I'll delve into Madison's book to figure out a vegetarian meal for Thursday. Tomorrow we're eating with my parents, so I'll bring some kind of side dish that I haven't figured out yet.

My appointment is in five hours. Instead of obsessing over that, I've decided to obsess over food.

Edited to add: Thursday's plan: Summer Squash, Herb and Rice Gratin with home made tomato sauce. (Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone, Page 286) I was thinking that maybe my family would tolerate the Cauliflower Gratin with Tomatoes and Feta but since I don't have cauliflower right now and squash is in season (yellow crookneck growing in our garden) I'll hold off.

Food thoughts

Since watching Julie & Julia this weekend I have really had food on the brain.

Of course, it is better to think about food than needle biopsies, which is what I'm trying so desperately to avoid thinking about.

But back to the food....

I don't think I have any desire to become a Julie/Julia style cook. I think that there were 100 pounds of butter in the film, and while I do enjoy butter, I don't think of it as my best friend. A little here, a little there - yes. A pound per plate? No thank you. And I do enjoy cooking, but not for hours at a time every single day.

But maybe I can challenge myself in some other way. What if I simply challenged myself to make a home cooked meal, with no processed ingredients, every night for a month? I cook frequently, but I'm not deluding myself into believing that I've ever gone thirty straight days with all home cooked food. We get take-out, or go out, or do store bought ravioli or something.

Tonight, for example, I didn't feel like cooking. But alas, there is the money issue (still haven't found it growing on trees), and in addition, I had some boneless skinless chicken thighs that needed cooking. I rummaged through the fridge and pantry and found the usual suspects: rice,onion, carrot, potato, spinach, garlic, fresh tomatoes from the garden. I decided that this was the basis for a curry....and I used the bottled Trader Joe's curry sauce. Ironically, we're about to sit down to dinner, and I regret my decision to fake it part way through. I make a good curry, and this one is comparably a bit bland. I chopped all the veggies (including finely chopping a couple good handfuls of spinach - shhh, don't tell my family, they won't think they're eating greens), sauteed the onion and garlic, chopped the chicken and seasoned it with a bit of salt, and added that to the onion. I poured the sauce on top, and added chopped carrot and potato, and simmered until they were nearly soft. Then I added the chopped spinach, which sort of absorbs into the sauce. At the very end I'll add some fresh chopped tomatoes. It would have been nearly as easy to measure my own curry spices, maybe some tomato sauce, some coconut milk. Ah well, live and learn.

But I'm inspired to go on some kind of foodie adventure of my own, for its own sake...not for the blogging of it, but because it might be a good lifestyle experiment. And maybe blogging would keep me on track.

I think the rice is ready - dinnertime!

Unwinding

Yesterday, Susan and I spent a girls' day downtown. We breakfasted, we saw Julie & Julia (thumbs' up), we shopped. Mostly, though, we just talked, the way we always do. It was just what I needed. (I bought myself a trench coat, too - finally - and the bit of retail therapy helped as well.)

I am recovering from Friday's bad news. I am more hopeful now than I was when I got that horrid phone call, and I'm certainly more composed. Don't get me wrong, I'm still freaked out, but not in the way I was on Friday.

Today we'll have a nice family day, then celebrate a good friend's birthday. I'm distracting myself from the freak out that this has become, and I'm moderately successful.

I got a new attitude

(Sing along with me.)

Getting ready to spend the day with Susan.

Embracing my life.

Hard questions

Tonight Tessa asked a lot of question.

Why weren't the pictures the doctor took good enough?
What is wrong with your breasts?
Why are you scared?
...and the hard one:
Do you have cancer again?

I tried my best to explain it in optimistic terms. Tessa said, "Maybe there is a bone that the pictures can see." Something like that, honey.

Sigh. Six year olds should NOT have to worry about cancer. I am so sad that she has so much life experience that these questions arise for her.

I promised that I would not lie to her, that if I had to do chemo again I would tell her so that it wouldn't be a surprise, and so she didn't need to worry. I said we'd celebrate next week when we got good results, but that I was nervous until then.

I hate cancer.

Working it through

Today I've been a wreck.

I was completely caught off guard by the results of the MRI. Completely. I was so worried that there was a leak, but I really hadn't spent too much time thinking about cancer.

I've cried a lot, because I'm thinking of it now.

But I also talked to my oncology nurse, who helped to talk me off the ceiling. (Love you, Betsy.) She told me that the radiologist who called me is known for freaking people out unnecessarily. She told me that it is highly unlikely that I would have a recurrence in nodes on the opposite side. A lump, nodes closer to the cancer side, bones or liver....but unlikely in the nodes.

Okay, it's a start. And with all the loving things people have said to me today, it was the one that got me to catch my breath.

I'd like a second chance. Or a fifth, or a five-hundredth, or whatever this is. I want to live my life fully, passionately, with purpose and meaning. I want to be focused on what is true, and important, and real. I want to be the best mom possible to Tessa, the best wife possible to Ryan, and a true friend. I want to touch the world, to be a part of its vibrancy, to help heal what needs healing.

I want a lot. I am prepared to give, too, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to take all that the world has to give, too.

I've said it before: I believe that there are only two kinds of prayers in the world: please and thank you. I'm saying the first with my whole body today, and will continue to do so until I get results. I really, really hope that I get a chance to say a long version of the second prayer next week.

My intense gratitude to those who have reached out to me today. Your love is a prayer, too, so maybe that's a third kind of prayer.

Thoughts and prayers, please

I had my MRI yesterday, and today I got a call.

There are suspicious lymph nodes on the right (untreated) side. It is either "an inflammatory response" (nothing), or cancer.

I'm terrified.

I have a follow up appointment on Tuesday for an ultrasound and possible biopsy.

Please hold me in your thoughts that I can keep it together until Tuesday, and that this will be nothing.

The waiting game

My MRI is done, and thanks in great part to Heather's hand-holding (metaphorically), I survived it. I tried to sing "All Will Be Well" inside my head to calm myself, and I thought about Tessa's comment"This is a heaven day!" last weekend when we were camping, hanging out at our campsite with a cheeky raven, holding hands and jumping into the lake with Ryan and Tessa, Shep's glee on our hike. The machine whirred and clicked and beeped and made grinding sounds, all rhythmically, and it was deafening. I had a horrible hot flash in the last few minutes and I was gritting my teeth to get through it...and at last I was done. I was told I was inside the tube for 19 minutes. That was a LONG 19 minutes.

Then Heather and I went to lunch, and even did a bit of shopping, before coming home and picking up Tessa.

Now....I wait. Dr. Rinn is out of the office this week, so I will likely get results next week.

Thank you for your continued prayers. This annual "scanxiety" really is tough, and I'm particularly concerned that I will require surgery to fix a leak this year, as my left breast has changed so much. I'll know next week, one way or the other.

Xrays and MRIs

Today I took Tessa to the pediatrician. She's had "green spit" (aka phlegm - ewwww, sorry) for a while and has a hard time getting up in the mornings, and this reminds me of myself as a kid...with sinus infections. We told the doc, and she had an exam, and the exam didn't turn up much. However, the pediatrician listened to me, and suggested an Xray. Yes, Tessa has a sinus infection. She's on antibiotics now.

And tomorrow I go to my annual MRI. And I am DREADING it it. I hate, hate, hate that claustrophobic, loud machine. I hate that it takes so long (usually a half hour) and that the whole time I have to lay so still and think about how they're looking for cancer. This time, they're also looking for implant leaks....my left (treated) side looks "weird" and I'm suspicious. It brings back pretty bad memories to be in that tube, too.

So tonight I'm moping and feeling heavy and sad.

Fortunately, tomorrow night it will be done. I'm praying for 'boring' results. I don't want any excitement.

The beginning of the week is a fresh start

Our family had a great time camping in the North Cascades. It was hot -in the 90s - after all, but we cooled off by jumping in the lake, and by hiking through shady forest along the river. We were entertained by a very vocal raven who hung out at our campsite. We went to ranger talks in the evenings. We drank the usual gallons of coffee, and unusual quantities of marshmallows.

On Friday night there were more stars in the sky than seems possible.

We were hot and sweaty and dirty and covered in mosquito bites....but that is not how we felt. We enjoyed togetherness, reading by the fire, walking along gorgeous trails, looking up butterflies and snakes and wildflowers in my field guide.

We held hands and counted to three and then jumped into the lake together, shrieking from the cold, then warming ourselves in the sun.

And now we're home and the week begins. Ryan is off to work, Tessa is still snoozing, and I've been busy. Bread is baking, there is home made granola in the oven (and the whole house smells of cinnamon as a result), the laundry is running (again...or is it still?). I'm trying to get my act together because I've been feeling really scattered lately, not myself. I have been feeling disorganized and sort of struggling...I don't know how to describe it. I've been having great times with Tessa, enjoying the summer, but I also feel snappish.

So now I'm trying to work on some self-care. Unfortunately, this involves some Lexapro, but also some writing, some down time, some exercise, some girlfriend time, more time in nature (been getting plenty of that lately). I'm trying to tidy our home because tidy home = tidy mind for me; I relax better in an organized space where I feel Zen instead of feeling the weight of undone chores.

I have vowed to get up earlier, so that I get some down time before Tessa gets up, so that I start the day ahead instead of behind. I'm listening to CDs, writing this, and drinking coffee, and it's a good start.

Today Tessa and I will walk to Lincoln Park to begin her swimming lessons, and Anna will come over for a playdate. I plan to do some gardening this morning, get my body moving and feel the sun on my skin. I'm hoping that by creating accomplishments, my day will feel 'right' instead of 'off'. I have a good life, and I know that. I'm used to feeling like PollyAnna, and so I hope that my mind can return to that state soon.

Record highs

Today Seattle hit an all time record high temp of 103. The sign in the Junction read 105 at one point, and the car said it was even hotter. In the sun at the back of the house, our thermometer read 108; in the shade at the front of the house it "only" read 102. However you measure it, it was HOT.

We spent the morning and early afternoon with friends at their home, and the girls enjoyed backyard pool time. This afternoon, we drove to Ikea for some air conditioning! The kids played in the kids area and had a blast. We even ate there, then came home to ice cream at Husky Deli.

Now I'm in our hot house and melting.

Tomorrow we leave for the North Cascades National Park to camp. It will be 15 degrees cooler there - hurrahhhhh!

Not our house

Not our house, but one a dozen houses away from us on our street:
http://westseattleblog.com/blog/?p=19337

A neighbor's house burned today, and apparently the smoke was visible from downtown Seattle. For those who were worried, yes it is close by, but no, it wasn't us.

Prayers for those who just lost their homes. My parents are still dealing with their home, and it will be a long time still before their house is rebuilt after their June fire, so I feel particular empathy for the victims of this fire.

Home from camping

12 adults
10 kids
2 dogs
1 lake
6 campsites
2 nights
80-90 degrees

Tessa got more freedom than she's ever experienced in her life, and loved every bit. Home now, tired and dirty but glad we did the trip.

Hot fun in the summertime

Another day with a six year old. Actually, two six year olds, as Jessie joined us. Katie dropped us off at Constellation Park for some quality time with sea creatures at low tide, and then when we were done with that we walked over to the sandy section of Alki. We picnicked, and then Tessa and Jessie went swimming and caught jellyfish in their buckets. We ran into friends, and a good time was had by all. In the heat it was a bit much, so when we got too hot we caught the water taxi shuttle bus back to the Junction, picked up some bread for dinner at Bakery Nouveau, and came home for a glass of lemonade.

These are the days that we live for. I am grateful. I'll do chores this afternoon, and make dinner for a friend (condolences to Randal, whose mom passed away this week- their family is in my thoughts) and walk it over.

Quiet days, yet filled with adventure. I do love it.

Weekend pictures

We stumbled into a parade, walked through the market and SAM, enjoyed getting to know Brett and visiting with Juliann, and then an afternoon with the Nolan-Vinci family. (Love the picture of the three girls climbing on Ryan, who was a willing beast...lots of laughter.)

Pony Camp

Pictures of pony camp. My little horsey girl came home very, very happy and filled with stories. She was able to trot "out of the saddle," and she got to muck out a field (which, for some reason that only she understands, was just what she wanted to do. She rode a pony named Chunky Monkey the first day - named for his love of all things edible. However, Chunky got in the way of a Belgian Draft Horse (a giant of an animal) when the Belgian was trying to eat, and Chunky got a swift kick, so he was out of commission for the rest of the week. After that, Tessa got to ride Romeo, who won 2nd in the national pony contest in 2007, and though Tessa had already fallen in love with Chunky, she took great pride in "her" prize-winning-pony.

Tessa had a fantastic time with Grammy and Grandpa, and got to see cousins Caleb & Josh, and go swimming, and generally get spoiled. (I believe that she had a cheeseburger EVERY day, something that Grammy & Grandpa were happy to spoil her with.)

But as much as she misses all those ponies, and swimming, and the rest....I am glad to have my daughter home.

Hot!

I will update about pony camp. I will update about our visitors, Juliann & Brett.

But right now all I can say is, we're HOT! In Woodinville my car said 102 degrees today when I picked up Tessa from pony camp. It was "only" in the 90s in West Seattle, but we're all roasting.

And happy birthday to my cousin Barbara, who hits the big 40 today. I love you, Barb!

Trash to treasures

A few weeks ago, I was at a friend's house, and when I came outside there was a desk on the curb. We checked with the neighbor and yes, she was giving it away.

Her trash is my treasure! It's a solid maple piece, and I knew it would be perfect for Tessa. While Tessa has been gone at horse camp this week, I sanded and painted it, and it's almost ready. (Almost because it doesn't have drawer pulls yet; I'm replacing the 1960s/1970s hardware that it came with. I found horse drawer pulls and they're on order!) We had an old pine chair that cleaned up nicely with a coat of white paint, and voila, Tessa has a place to do homework and art projects in her own space.

I hope that Tessa is excited when she sees it in her room, all set up and ready to go. She's coming home tomorrow and I'll be glad to see her - of course we miss her.

Warming up

Tessa is at pony camp. I've done chores - including getting a tire fixed (slow leak), investigating cell phones, dishes, laundry, bills, mail, painting Tessa's new desk. The dog has been walked. I've drunk my gallon of coffee.

So now I sit at the Central Branch of the Seattle Public Library, up on the 9th floor where I am surrounded by diamond shaped panels of glass ceiling, and the light is natural. I have my laptop (obviously), my commuter mug, my pencil case, my post-its, my open documents for updating.

Now, there is nothing to do but to do it. How many complete resident biographies can I finish today? Time will tell!

Surgery thoughts

I opened the door to considering surgical options a couple of weeks ago.

For a while, I was peering in at the door marked "New Orleans." The NOLA doctors are the best in the country, and they do special cases. I could do a DIEP (move belly tissue to create a breast, replacing what I've got) and get rid of the implant. I've been mulling this over for a while.

I think I'm closing that door. (I'm not certain, but it's where I'm at right now.) I just don't want to subject my body to that much again. I could deal with the short term (2 months) problems of travel and surgery and recovery, but it's the longer term issues that concern me. It's a long surgery, meaning a lot of anesthesia. It's a huge incision and some smaller ones (always a risk of infection). And my body has not behaved they way I'd hoped in other surgeries, so I have no expectation that it would do so this time. It's too much risk.

So I think I will call my PS, the one who did corrections previously, and I will go with the minimum. I will accept my flaws and problems as long as I do not have an implant leak, and do nothing.

I'm still peering into the door marked "minor corrections". I don't know quite what I think of that. I'm going back and forth between "do nothing" and "minor corrections" right now. I am grateful to have time to decide, on my own schedule.

Mama Instinct

Yesterday I brought Tessa to horse camp.

It was dirty, disorganized.

I had a bad feeling in my stomach.

I drove away thinking, "How could I leave my daughter with these people?"

I drove straight to another horse camp, checked it out, and found it vastly different: clean, organized, with safety talks and lots of helpers. I signed her up, turned around, and withdrew her from the first camp.

The first camp is not very happy with me, and is refusing my refund. (I got them to agree to a 50% refund, which does not satisfy me.) I will work with them and my bank at getting the bulk of my money back, but I know this: I did the right thing. Tessa's safety is paramount. I don't often get warning signals from my instincts, but this time I knew I couldn't relax until she was picked up. The second camp gave me a totally different feeling, and I am glad she's there.

Parenting is tough stuff. Definitely not for sissies.

Little decisions

I am attempting to live my life mindfully, and part of that is being green. Sometimes I find it quite simple - being mindful about bringing my own bag to the store, or refilling my own water bottle, has become second nature.

Ryan's new company requires him to have a Blackberry phone, and pays his phone expenses, so he is no longer on our family plan. Our two year contract is up, so I went to Costco to figure out what new kind of phone to get. In short, I have two choices: a fancy phone with internet options, or a simpler phone that just, um, makes phone calls. I looked at all kinds of pretty phones in a range of colors, with slide out keyboards and touch screens and MP3 players and nice cameras; I discussed the number of minutes available to me, and "data" add ons.

New, cool features are fun. Undeniably. Very seductive, as a matter of fact. My dad had come with me, and he said, "How much of your life do you want to spend looking at that screen?" It was a mindful comment. I know that if I had a fancy phone, I'd spend a lot more time looking at it. It would be easy to scroll Facebook on the playground; it would be easy to read the NYT at the park. I could be on email all the time.

And so I have decided to stay in an early-century model of the phone. As a stay-at-home-mom, I don't need those features for my job (and when I write, I have my computer), and I have enough time to check email at home without bringing it with me. I don't need to spend the extra money on data connections. And I don't want to spend more time on my phone, I wish to spend LESS time. I've actually considered not upgrading my phone at all - my current phone works just fine -but it looks like someone pilfered the car charger out of our car and it's a free accessory with a new phone upgrade whereas I'd have to buy one for the old phone. Too bad, because keeping it would be very green.

After all that looking and admiring, I think I'll be cutting the number of minutes that I'm using, too.

A million decisions to be mindful. I'm working on it, anyway.

Edited to add: I went back, asked more questions, and found out that I could upgrade my phone at a different time, and don't have to do it concurrently to renewing my contract. I decided to keep my old phone, charge it at home and not in the car, and REDUCE my minutes (and my bill). Then I came home and saw the note in my comments making a suggestion to keep the phone. :-) I thought I had to do it all at once or miss the opportunity for the free phone, but that is not the case. If this one dies, I can go in to have them upgrade it for free...but until then, I'll keep using mine.

Working Girl

Today I will take Tessa to pony camp (11-3), and I will become a working writer once again. Tonight she is spending the night with my parents, and Ryan is on a business trip, so I will be solo at home with the dog and cat.

Alone in my house overnight? Wow!

I will work on the book and drink gallons of coffee, switching to tea at noon.

Ahhhhh. This actually sounds very peaceful to me.

Jungle garden

I continue to garden, although it seems that my garden could use some TLC to remove some weeds, and it's not orderly....but it is growing strong. Sunflowers are planted amidst the tomatoes, and the peas fell off the trellis because of their weight, and the strawberries have taken over their own section.....and it's great! We have lettuce every night, we have a big crop of fava beans to pick, and we have tomatoes galore but they're still green.

More help from Mary Oliver

A friend's mom is in hospice, and the social workers have told the family that, if they're ready, it would be helpful to release "mom" and tell her that it's okay to go; her time in this world is short.

Is any family ever ready for that news?

I am holding my friends close in my heart, and hoping that they will have strength and comfort in this difficult time.

Mary Oliver always helps, don't you think?
-------------------------------------------

When Death Comes

When death comeslike the hungry bear in autumnwhen death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse

to buy me, and snaps his purse shut;when death comeslike the measle-pox;

when death comeslike an iceberg between the shoulder blades,

I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering;what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everythingas a brotherhood and a sisterhood,and I look upon time as no more than an idea,and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouthtending as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and somethingprecious to the earth.

When it's over, I want to say: all my lifeI was a bride married to amazement.I was a bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it's over, I don't want to wonderif I have made of my life something particular, and real.I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened
or full of argument.

I don't want to end up simply having visited this world.

~ Mary Oliver ~

Living

Ahhhh to be alive is lovely.

Today Elena is over and Tessa and Elena and I caught the bus downtown and met up with Michele and her sweet boys, and all of us saw an African dance skit (with drumming) called Kaleta, and then we walked a few blocks and saw another City Hall concert. The City Hall has a stage and chairs set up, but off to the side they also have a little fountain/wading pool area that the kids splashed around in, and there was a credit union handing out free beach balls to play with. The girls danced, the children splashed, the music played, and it was....lovely.

PB&J tastes much better in the sun, accompanied by friends and laughter and music.

We're home now, and Tessa and Elena have been playing in the wading pool, being total goofballs. (The pool is six years old now and still holding strong...Tessa can't lay flat in it any more but they use it for games and goofiness and just run in and out to stay cool. If they think it's fun...it's fun!)

Sarah & Leif came over for lemonade and conversation. Shep licked Leif, and Leif laughed, so Sarah and I laughed. A lot of laughter.

Next week Tessa will stay with my parents while she attends Pony Camp, and I will work like a maniac on the Hunts Point book. I will probably go downtown to work, because I get the most done at the library. (Ironic that I'd spend so much time there, but whatever works!)

Tonight Ryan's hanging with Paul, and Tessa and I will walk into the Junction to run errands like buying Mo a new collar.

It is a simple life. It is my life. I love the simple joys, and I am grateful for today. I will not take the sunshine for granted; I will not take any of it for granted today.

This is my best attempt at living mindfully, living in the present. I am not an enlightened being - if only! - but in these small moments I am certain that I can see something of the divine.

Hair pictures

On the YSC boards, we got to talking about hair. (Find a bunch of bald women, and you will find a discussion about hair.) I don't have many pictures of myself, and I should take a pic from the back to show how long it is, but here are some pics that show just how long 4 years worth of hair is.

Poem of the Day

The Ponds
Mary Oliver

Every year
the lilies
are so perfect
I can hardly believe

their lapped light crowding
the black,
mid-summer ponds.
Nobody could count all of them -

the muskrats swimming
among the pads and the grasses
can reach out
their muscular arms and touch

only so many, they are that
rife and wild.
But what in this world
is perfect?

I bend closer and see
how this one is clearly lopsided -
and that one wears an orange blight -
and this one is a glossy cheek

half nibbled away -
and that one is a slumped purse
full of its own
unstoppable decay.

Still, what I want in my life
is to be willing
to be dazzled -
to cast aside the weight of facts

and maybe even
to float a little
above this difficult world.
I want to believe I am looking

into the white fire of great mystery.
I want to believe that the imperfections are nothing -
that the light is everything - that it is more than the sum
of each flawed blossom rising and fading. And I do.

More height restrictions

Tessa knew that she needed to be certain heights to go on Disney rides. Well....
http://www.hiddenmickeys.org/Disneyland/Restrictions.html
...it looks like she can go on almost everything now.
http://www.kingdommagictravel.com/disneyworld/theme_parks/height_restrictions.htm
If she gets one inch taller, she can go on rides that make me sick just thinking about them. :-)

If only we had the winning Lotto ticket! :-)

Booster seats

I was getting behind in my safety knowledge (who, ME?!) and decided to look up booster seat info. Here is what I found:
http://www.carseat.org/Boosters/627_choose_boost.pdf
It says:

Recent research suggests that boosters with a back
are more protective than those without a back, particularly in side impacts.
...but goes on to say:
Backless boosters are lightweight and inexpensive, so they are a reasonable choice for carpooling, play dates, and public
distribution programs. A backless booster should not be used unless the child is able to sit upright throughout the trip and
the child’s head is supported by the vehicle seatback.

I remember the seatbelt rubbing my neck when I was a kid, so I would tuck the shoulder strap behind; I also remember removing the shoulder strap so that I could lay down to sleep in the back seat (with the lap belt around me). I guess Tessa's booster seat "wings" will keep her upright, because now I know better.

Tessa is 47 inches and 44 pounds, so I thought maybe it was time to let her go "backless" but reading this convinces me otherwise. I will waiver to allow for backless on playdates (especially with three in a row, it's hard to fit three booster seats in the back of a car) but we will keep the back on in our car for a long time.

Boosters are required to age 8 or 4'9" - see the Washington State law here:
http://depts.washington.edu/booster/anton_skeen_bill.html

I'm only posting this info because I had to seek it for myself, so thought that someone else might be looking for that info and benefit from it as well.

Edited to add:
Booster seats protect against serious injury 3 ½ times better than seat belts. Booster seats protect against head injury 4 times better than seat belts.
http://depts.washington.edu/booster/faq.html#why

Considering

After my last surgery (well, before) I said, "Never again."

Never say never.

I am seriously considering yet another surgery. My PS always intended to go back, to remove the scar tissues from previous surgical "mistakes" and tighten this and remove that misshapen bit and resculpt here and there and oh, yes, maybe even give me nipples. I said, "No." I simply walked away.

Well, six months after my last surgery, I am very carefully reconsidering.

My right breast is relatively okay. It's the right shape, covered in horrid scars, but okay. It is enough.

My left breast continues to change, and it is not okay. The breast has indents that push like spokes in a wheel, so that one quadrant is deeply rippled from the center outward. It is misshapen. The thin skin is visibly wrong; I can manipulate the implant, feel edges.

I am considering major revisions. I could leave the right alone, maybe do a DIEP on the left. That would replace the radiated tissue with (healthy) belly tissue, and perhaps I could remove the implant on that side, using my own tissue instead. Such a surgery is basically a tummy tuck....but more painful, involving muscle.

How much more of this can I stand? How many more surgeries should I do? When is enough enough?

I have not made any decisions. I'm exploring options, opening doors that I thought I'd closed. This is a decision that only I can make. The YSC girls are strongly encouraging me to fix it, to make it right. Would doing so symbolically help me?

My poor, tender, bruised body. What else will I ask of it?

I don't know.

Living

Someone I know online is dying right now. I don't know how long she has left- I don't think she knows either - but she is in at-home hospice with palliative care.

I am actively aware of her dying, and I carry it with me, a sorrow and a burden. I don't understand it, why it must be this way. I don't understand how such a light, such a force, such a strong woman can die. It just doesn't seem possible.

I think that the message that I am getting from her death -and it's not the first breast cancer death I've watched, but it's impacting me even more than others - is that I must LIVE. I must be true, and honest, and I must seek out the joy and the beauty that is mine for the taking simply because I am alive.

It is a bittersweet, this knowledge that I carry with me, right up with me, not tucked away. Bitter because no, no, no! Sweet because I am taking the small moments and they are taking my breath away.

Tessa's long blond, sunkissed hair in braids, bouncing on her shoulders as she runs. Chocolate gelato. The moon in the blue sky today. Watching Tessa bounce to the music of Recess Monkey downtown. A catchy tune. Picnicking downtown with friends. It is so beautiful, it takes my breath away, brings a small tear to my eye. Literal gasping.

I will LIVE my life, whatever is given to me. I will feel the pain, the sorrow, the worry, the fear - just because I am seeking beauty doesn't mean that these other things are going away. But I will LIVE. I turned off my cellphone, I held Tessa's hand, I lived in the moment.

I will live my life, as long as I have life.

This is the lesson. Now I must practice it.

Picky eater advice?

Tessa's whole life, she has eaten a wide variety of foods without hesitation, and even with glee. She loves sushi (California rolls with real crab & tobiko are her favorite), Thai food, cashew chicken, and any number of other foods that "regular" kids turn their noses up at. Greek, Chinese, Italian, Mexican, all seafood....all have been favorites. She has never liked asparagus or potatoes, so I've never forced those. Or beans - she's never liked the texture of beans. But everything else was a go ahead with a smile.

In the last month, this has changed DRAMATICALLY.

Suddenly, a banana will bring her to tears. The mere mention of fish for dinner sent her under her bed for a full-on tantrum. (I pointed out that I had written a note on the recipe when I made it last, saying 'Tessa loved it and asked for seconds' and she said, "I changed my mind!" even before she tasted it.)

The list of foods that Tessa enjoys can be narrowed down to the following:
1. Cheeseburgers
2. Grilled cheese sandwiches
3. Spaghetti and meatballs

Gone from the list is chicken curry, shrimp, a wide variety of fruits and vegetables....

HELP! What do I do? I have to believe it's just a phase - I mean, she loved all this stuff a month ago - but this is getting really tough. She cried like I'd broken her heart tonight because of what I cooked for dinner, even though I said she could have mostly white rice and pea pods - but she said now she doesn't like rice or pea pods (sugar snap peas). ONLY a cheeseburger would make her happy.

This Mama is not making cheeseburgers every night. No way, no how.

Ideas?

Sleep deprivation and chore time

Last night I was into a good book, so I didn't turn out the light until midnight (my mistake). Ryan was restless, so I didn't fall asleep until around 1:30 (I love him anyway). And then this morning at 5am Tessa woke up crying, saying, "My tummy hurts SO much!" She threw up and the whole bit.

Cancel soccer, cancel our playdate with Anna, cancel having Michele & Dave & kids over for dinner.

Well, Tessa seems to be her regular self again, happy as a clam except mad that I won't let her play with friends. We've taken on a chore day as a result, and I just spent a couple of torturous hours in Tessa's room sorting through her things and getting rid of things. The end result is worth it but OH MY that was no fun at all!

Tessa and I also washed down her "new" desk in preparation for painting. This is another of my roadside treasures, and I'm actually thinking it IS a treasure. It is a solid maple writing desk with little cubby-drawers, well made and heavy. We are painting it white to match everything else in her room, and switching out the hardware, and I think it's going to be darling. She's excited about it, too. It will be nice for first grade homework projects.

Laundry is running, the vacuum has been getting milage, and I'm exhausted. But I have spent so much time doing fun stuff that it is good to get things done around the house, too.

Breast cancer article

Warning: This post is dark, and not for newly diagnosed breast cancer patients. Read on at your own risk. (Or click away - I'll post something lighter another day!)

I routinely look up the latest information on breast cancer, paying particular attention to ASCO findings. (This is how I determined my desire to take Zometa, for example. I'm due for another infusion in July....sigh.)

Anyway, I was playing around with info tonight, and came across this:
You may experience side effects or complications from cancer treatment. For example, radiation therapy may cause temporary swelling of the breast, and aches and pains around the area. http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000913.htm

This is so understated as to be laughable. How about this instead?
You may experience side effects or complications from cancer treatment. For example, radiation therapy may cause deep burns which (DELETED because I was being too dark and I don't want to scare someone who stumbles onto my blog.)

I know, I know, it doesn't happen to everyone. But it happened to me.

I will be sweet and nice again....but this just hit me the wrong way!

Sunshine

Blue skies here.

After the slumber party disbursed, we tidied things up a bit, and then went to Lincoln Park with friends. Tessa Razor scootered, threw rocks in the sea, and built some kind of fort out of driftwood with three boys from her school, and the moms (Laurie & Jen & I) hung out and chatted and caught sunshine. We picnicked there - PB&J again for us because I really need to go grocery shopping !- and had a lovely time.

This afternoon, we did another hour or so of chores, and then went to Alki for the evening with Susan, Jackson, and Carter. Tessa did her usual stay-in-the-sea-til-she's-blue routine (lasting less time than usual, and shivering more...hmmm) and we planned a BBQ. I had brought charcoal briquettes and chicken and shrimp, and we planned to grill. Well, the joke was on me - I had the tablecloth and the enamelware plates and the reusable water bottles and all that....but the coals just would not ignite. We messed with it for a long time and gave up. Pepperdock serves great burgers, anyway. ;-) I suppose I can grill - at home on gas - tomorrow.

I'm tired from all the sun, but happy. I managed to fold three baskets of laundry and put them away, but of course the hamper is now filled with a day's worth of clothes, beach towels, tablecloth, and blanket....I should give up on trying to catch up! Oh well. My house is less than perfect, but I am living my life to the fullest, and that is all I can ask for.

PS Ryan did a 65 mile bike ride today and felt toasted as a result. He is going to be creaky tomorrow, I think. He's preparing for a longer ride in July.

Poetry and Slumber Parties

I forgot to write a note about one feature of the SAM day - poetry. While Tessa and I were waiting for the water taxi to depart, she looked down and saw a spider web on the dock, just inches from the water. Tessa dictated the following poem to me:

Spider Living By the Sea

I am a spider
who lives by the sea.
I do not catch bugs,
I catch fish,
Because there are no bugs
by the ocean.
But fish tastes good.
When spiders live by the sea
there are no bugs
for them to eat.
Why I eat the fish
is because it tastes good;
Besides, I hate bugs.
You might think I'm weird
because I am a spider.
I have no friends -
Actually, I have one friend,
and it is a fish.
It is a jellyfish.

This will not make it into Granta but have I mentioned how much I love having a daughter who thinks that sitting on a boat and composing poetry is fun? Tessa wrote down the titles for two more poems to complete, as well: "I am a jellyfish" and "I am a starfish, living on a piling".

This morning I have Jessie & Zoe over, and the girls are in heaven. I made chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast, and they've been finishing up last night's movie (The Saddle Club).

Well worth my time

http://kalman.blogs.nytimes.com/

This artist/writer is so amazing. I feel like I float through her work like it is a river, taking me away. What a beautiful gift.

Hiking with girls

Today I decided that it was time to go hiking. I decided that since Tessa and I were one on one all day yesterday I wouldn't push my luck and do it twice, so I invited Tessa's friend Jessie along.

It was magical.

The girls were in high spirits, so happy to be outdoors. We went to my favorite trailhead...almost. When we turned up the steep road to the trailhead, there was a washout, so we had to turn around and find a new hike. We chose the Denny Creek area, and hiked in to Franklin Falls, which was just gorgeous.

I saw wildflowers (I love the sweet, simple trillium); the girls sang and giggled and ran half the way. Shep was delirious with the joy of being with us, as he's not so fond of art museum days when he's not invited. The air was so fresh, the roar of the river so perfect, and the cedar trees so very large.

We feasted on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on home made bread, along with some gorp. We leaned against rocks, we felt the spray of the falls, we climbed on the rocks. The girls were happy; they were content. There was no whining for stuff, no complaining about the length of the trail. There was just loving the outdoors, loving being together.

I am a lucky, lucky woman.

Tonight we went to Bobcat Bob's CD release party, and hung out with friends at the coffee shop (C&P, of course).

I am blessed.

Girls Day Downtown

By "girls" I mean Tessa and myself. And it was nothing short of perfect.

Tessa and I walked to the Junction and caught the free Water Taxi Shuttle Bus. We had a few minutes until the water taxi arrived, so we talked to two women who were fishing off the dock for salmon, and I explained to Tessa how fishing works. (Of course, she wants to try fishing right now! We might just have to do it.) We caught the boat in to the city, and headed straight to the market for lunch: piroshkies. We sat on the curb and watched all the hubbub as we ate out of the paper sacks, and it was delicous. (Pike Place in summer is quite a scene!) Then we walked over to SAM, and Tessa and I enjoyed the Wyeth exhibit and wandered around a little, even choosing new china (ha!) for our tea parties from the huge china exhibit. When we were done with that, we wandered back to the market, and stood in the line for the miniature donuts that you get hot off the machine - "the best donuts ever" Tessa says, and I can't disagree. (Except the ones made just like that at Roche Harbor, because they were dipped in chocolate. YUM.) Back to the water taxi, and home again.

Ahhhhhhh.

The whole day, including lunch, donuts, and water taxi, cost $10. We had Metro vouchers free from the Sustainable West Seattle Festival - hurrah! Sure we ate some sugary-fatty food, but we walked a lot....maybe that balances it out.

Tessa and I talked, and played, and just enjoyed each other. I felt so filled to the brim with the satisfaction of being this child's mother - of all the children, I got Tessa, and I couldn't imagine a better fit. Talking about art, wandering the market, riding the ferry, counting jellyfish from the dock....does it get much better?

It might. Tomorrow!

Tomorrow, we think we'll go hiking. Perhaps friends will join us, perhaps not, and it just doesn't matter. We've decided to pack a picnic and our swimsuits, so that we can swim in Talapus Lake. We'll bring Shep, too, and he'll swoon from the pleasure of it....he didn't like being left home today.

I'll do laundry on....Saturday?

Pictures - After the fire

The cross that Don made my parents, that hung in the middle of their home, is charred. The wall beneath it (which is faintly visible in this picture) was protected and didn't burn.

A pile of debris in my parents' bedroom- remember, there was water, fire, and foam....what's left isn't pretty.

And the staircase in the middle of the house, looking up towards the bedroom hall.

Fire

I've heard people say, almost as a game...

If your house was burning down, what three things would you take?

My parents didn't get the opportunity to decide. The house burned while they were gone, and the choice was not theirs.

However, now we are trying to rescue things. It's funny, all of us work so hard to have beautiful, comfortable homes....and in the end, it's mostly just stuff. Stuff that we love, stuff that we miss, but just....stuff. Couches and bookcases are replaceable, and if we're lucky, we even get newer, nicer items to replace what was lost. Kitchens can be remodeled, a new spatula can be bought, and that mixer was really old anyway.

So at the end of the day, most things aren't important, or are easily replaced (when you have insurance money). So what we're rescuing is of value to almost nobody....except us. My parents have all of this in perspective, and they know it's just stuff....but it still aches. Of course it does.

My Grandma Marian (Brown) Goddard kept a cookbook that was really a daybook, but instead of writing in it like a journal, she hand wrote recipes in it, and occassionally taped in a recipe from the newspaper or a magazine. Hundreds of pages of my grandmother's recipes, in her handwriting, bound in a rubber band because the binding long since disintegrated. I nearly cried from joy when I found it - a victory!

My grandparents' Bibles - treasures because of the hands that loved them, the names carefully written in their covers. My mother's baby book. The Polaroid picture of me taken on the day I got my All Round Cord in Girl Guides (sort of like being an Eagle Scout). My brother's kindergarten yearbook.

Really, just scraps of paper....but they mean so much.

We asked Tessa what she would most want to save. "Special Blanket and Special Bear." Oh yes, those are good.

For me? My wedding ring (on my finger, so it's with me anyway). All of Tessa's baby pictures (and beyond). Grandpa Goddard's bookcase. Tessa's baby book.

I hope I never have to face what my parents are facing. They've been through worse, but this is no fun, no fun at all.

I have received several offers from friends to help my parents. I want to say thank you, because the offers mean so much. My parents are very comfortable in their motorhome - king sized bed, leather couches, small but functional kitchen with dishes, fridge, stove, microwave, etc. They even have a small washer/dryer in there. In short, they do not need things - actually, they have nowhere to put things! They are cozy and it is a lovely space. If you want to do something, right now a card with a personal sentiment is probably the right thing. They're on the phone a lot right now with insurance and restorers and the like, and it's all pretty overwhelming and tiring, so a note in the mail is about the right speed. Their mailbox was not attached to their house (it was up the street), so they can still get mail at the regular address.

My Dad thinks that they'll probably be "home" by Easter. There's along road between here and there.

Summertime, and the livin' is easy

When Ella sings that song, I melt.

Today was one of those days. Tessa and I went with friends down to Alki, picnic and beach towels in hand. The moms hung out and chatted, and the children went in and out of the sea, capturing jellyfish, building castles, digging holes, and wading.

When the kids were starting to melt down, we left, no rush, no hurry, just time to be done. We came home and I plunked Tessa into a warm bathtub (hours in the ocean and I swear she was turning blue) to warm up and get the sand out, and now I'm doing chores and little busy work.

May every summer day look like this one!

PS Thank you so much to everyone who has asked about my parents. Given the circumstances, they are doing remarkably well. My mom found out that her childhood hymnal and Bible can be restored, and so can some of their paintings. It turns out that ammonia will take the smell of smoke out of clothes, too. Bit by bit, my parents are piecing their lives back together. I will spend the day with them tomorrow, with a pool break for Tessa (and I!).

PPS I'm spending the day with my parents tomorrow. I'll get pictures of the house if I can.

Good news, bad news

Good news: My parents and their sweet dog Foster are okay.

Bad news: Last night my parents had a 3 alarm fire in their home, and the house and its contents are destroyed.

The fire apparently started in the control switch on the dryer, and spread through the heating ducts of the house. The house is charred inside, but looks relatively normal on the outside, with the exception of broken windows (almost every window is broken). A water main broke in the process, so there is some flooding as well.

My parents are moving into their motorhome, and trying to assess the damage, and waiting for insurance people to show up.

Thank you for holding them in your thoughts. I am trying to be there in whatever way I can, but I feel pretty helpless. I went over there last night as soon as I could get there, of course, but today my parents are just doing things like talking to friends, assessing the damage, and trying to set up a new "home" away from home. They plan to rebuild their house, but they will not be able to move back in for a long time, because the damage is extensive.

Life can change in an instant. But we already knew that, didn't we?

Updates

Here are a series of small updates:

Tessa:
Tessa is growing by the minute, reading more and more, and self-proclaimed Queen of the Monkey Bars. She spends as much time as possible outdoors (in this weather, that is a fair amount), but when indoors, creates elaborate Squawkbird art and stories to go along with the art. (Squawkbirds are her imaginings and I adore the creativity.)

Ryan:
Has signed paperwork accepting a position at PriceWaterhouseCoopers. The commute to Redmond is a killer; I think when Tessa is out of school I need to send the car away with him most days so that we can actually SEE him in the summer.

Garden:
Tonight we had garden lettuce for our salad, and every night we're each eating a nice bowl of fresh strawberries (yum!). Each individual berry tastes like an explosion of a hundred berries in the mouth, and reminds me what seasonal, organic food tastes like. These are no relations of grocery store berries: they are small, some are misshapen, and if picked in the morning, by evening most will be soft and half will be inedible. They are best fresh from the vine, and we either pop them in our mouths immediately, or just bring them in as we're preparing dinner and then have them for dessert. The tomatoes are growing nicely, with two big green brandywines, and countless cherry tomatoes. The rhubarb has doubled, the raspberries have flowers, and so do the blueberries. Nasturciums abound, though no flowers yet, and the sunflowers are all six inches high. I've sampled sugar snap peas. The broccoli looks so-so, and one cabbage looks fantastic while the other are wilty. The chard is bright and beautiful - reminder to self, make chard for dinner tomorrow. The carrots are sporadic - having trouble with them this year. A few spinach plants, one bolted.

In short? The garden is progressing. It could stand a good weeding, but mostly, it's taking care of itself right now. We got a giant load of free mulch from Stonehedge Tree Services that went to good use, too.

Green:
I'm not as focused on green right now, but I am living it. That is to say: I'm not thinking of it the way I used to, because so many things are more habitual now. I've got all my cleaners, of which my favorite is baking soda. I figured out sunblock (Badger & Kiss My Face Paraben Free). I'm using Burt's Bees Grapefruit shampoo and conditioner. Olive oil soap, in the bar to save packaging. Our rags are old and stained from use, and I think that is a good thing, because it means that they're getting wear and I'm not using paper towels. Cloth napkins all the time. Enamelware (camping plates) for outdoor BBQs, or just carry our regular stuff. Library use all the time. I think I'm driving more than I ought to, so I should be focusing on that, I think. Grass fed beef only, the usual organics for everything, as much time at the Farmer's Market as possible to stock our fridge. Still making my own bread, and even discovered an artisan recipe that I love that isn't too difficult.

In short? Being green is taking up less of my bandwidth, as living green is just a part of what I do, so I don't have to think of it so much.

Frugal:
Climbing out of debt slooowwwwly but with progress. We have a plan, and we're sticking with it mostly. We have made giant strides from where we were a year ago,a nd have canceled some debt, and I am so proud of that. We will knock this thing out! Occassional purchases are necessary, of course, and I'm trying to choose wisely. I needed comfortable summer sandals and bought a "good" brand instead of cheapo ones, with the result that they do not hurt my feet and should last a long time. I'm trying to be wise, to use my dollars to show my values, and to save as many dollars as possible at the same time.

Cancer:
I hate cancer. I'm NED as far as I know, but I can't get my MRI approved. I"m overdue for my bone density scan, and I need to book my Zometa. Right now, getting on tamoxifen is all I can handle. Crazy, because I did fifty zillion appointments per week when I was in the thick of it, but my energy for it is lower now.

Book:
Progress. Always slower than I wish, but I've got momentum.

Neighborhood:
I sponsored our first block watch meeting last night, and 20+ people came, not including kids, to hear our local Crime Prevention Specialist give a safety talk. I love our neighborhood.

School:
Lets out on the 19th. I'm really, truly looking forward to it. I want to play with Tessa instead of pushing her to HURRY UP YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE! which is how our mornings have been going.

Wards:
Arrive on the 16th. Can't WAIT for them to be our houseguests!

Fatigue:
Yes. Still. It tires me thinking about it. I am sleeping better, so I'm hopeful that sleep will catch up eventually.

Pain:
Getting better. Hallelujah. Still hurts when my feet hit the floor, but better than before.

Okay, that's what I have energy for now. 'Night all!

Other peoples' roller coasters

I have been closely following the blog of a friend of a friend. Today she got good news - she's not stage IV. I cheered out loud when I read the words, filled with genuine joy for this stranger (whom I hope to meet).

Then, this afternoon, I got another blog update. Someone on the YSC site that I have "known" since diagnosis made the difficult decision to cease treatment and move to hospice/palliative care. She is a woman of incredible spunk, and has often offered me wise words on the journey. Soon, she will be gone. (Days? Weeks? Months? I do not know how this will go. Would praying for months be selfish, when she is in so much pain?)

I ride the roller coaster with them. It does not feel "other," it feels personal.

Today has been a hard day. I have tried to bury myself in housework, but it is not working. My mind keeps working it over, again and again, and this last news makes me so sad, and agitated, and lost. These are not dear friends, they are more acquaintances, and I am smart enough to know the difference. Still, my marrow feels it. I feel it deeply.

Hazy

I feel hazy today.

Is it the tamoxifen, or am I just hazy?

Sigh.

It was a good day. Got some work done on the book (editing work I'd already done), sat in the sun at Alki, took Tessa to the zoo with Kathleen & Elena.

I'm so tired, though. I'm heading to bed.

Day 1

One thing that I never understood about cancer treatment is that I'd be making new decisions so frequently. Earlier this year it was my first Zometa infusion; then it was taking a break from AIs, and today, it was my first tamoxifen.

I'd be afraid of uterine bleeding and cancers because they are side effects of tamoxifen, but I don't have a uterus. I'm not exactly thrilled to be missing my uterus, but it is good not to worry about yet another kind of cancer.

Fatigue, weight gain, worsening hot flashes (oh God no!) and sometimes blod clots or deep vein thrombosis are possible side effects. The fatigue is terrifying - not quite as much as blood clots, but terrifying none-the-less. I'm just recovering from 3+ years of AI induced fatigue, and I can't bear the idea that it could get back to that terrible place.

Deep breath.

I really had to steel myself to take the little round white pill. I didn't want to do it. But more than I didn't want to bring into my body whatever negative side effects might accompany this little tablet, I don't want to die. And I don't want to recur, either. So, I will take my pill daily like a good little girl and hope for the best.