Pinking up October

Welcome to Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

October is officially breast cancer awareness month. This month, every woman's magazine will have an article or two about survivors, treatment, breast self exams, and the like. Every talk show will have a breast cancer segment. Every store will be stocked with pink items. Breast cancer is in the air - it's on people's minds, everywhere.

Don't believe me? Just look for all of the pink merchandise. Ribbons abound.

There is a small, very vocal group of people opposed to pink merchandising. They believe that a ribbon is not a very good symbol for a horrific disease, and that it is offensive that companies are making money from their pink marketing efforts. I disagree - strenuously - with this position.

First of all, I'm not sure what a better symbol for breast cancer would be: a cancerous cell? a picture of a mastectomy? an image of a family grieving their deceased mother? I don't think that anyone would wear one of those images on their coat, or use it as a conversation starter. A pink ribbon isn't perfect, but somebody came up with the idea of ribbon marketing, and since pink has long been the color for women and girls (pink for girls, blue for boys) there you have it. A woman's disease, marked by a pink ribbon.

And pink ribbons ARE effective. In the 1970s, the word "breast" could not be published in a newspaper, even in reference to breast cancer. Women didn't know about breast cancer like we do now, and as a result, they often waited too long for mammograms or exams, and they died from their lack of knowledge. I recently saw the 1970s breast cancer statistics for my stage of breast cancer, and found that if I'd been diagnosed then, I would have been 20% more likely to die of the disease within five years. Pink ribbons have raised awareness - I did a breast self exam because I had been educated on the subject of BSE, and because, in part, pink ribbons reminded me of what I should be doing. And pink ribbon marketing has, in great part, funded the research that has improved my odds so significantly.

The argument that companies are immoral or misdirected by making money from pink merchandising is also misplaced in my mind. Companies are not, at their essence, philanthropic in nature: they are created to create profit for their owners (shareholders), and in doing so, they employ others and create livelihoods. When a company decides to ally itself with a cause, and donate money to that cause, the cause benefits. Certainly, companies do not usually donate 100% of their proceeds to a cause, but to do so would drive them out of business, and I don't expect or desire that.

Take M&Ms. I am told that a bag of M&Ms (large size) is $5 or something like that, and that only $.50 goes to Komen. On the surface, that doesn't sound like much - $.50 doesn't buy much of a mammogram, and doesn't pay for even a minute of research - but it's not about the $.50, it's about the total donation. In the past 4 years, M&Ms have donated $2.8 million to Komen from their pink M&Ms campaign. I believe that the success of this program is BECAUSE they are making a profit from the pink M&Ms: people choose to buy the M&Ms because they like M&Ms and because they would like to support the breast cancer cause, and therefore M&Ms sells more of their product. The $.50's add up, and suddenly they've amounted to $2.8 million dollars.

I would rather support a company who chooses to do cause based marketing than one who chooses simply to market their product. Certainly, M&Ms is going to do a lot of marketing of their product, and is going to spend oodles of money on marketing programs; they can do it to benefit breast cancer (or some other cause), or they can do it only for their own profit. I choose to support companies who have recognized that supporting a cause helps people, even as it helps their bottom line. Everyone benefits. Could M&Ms donate $1 per package? Maybe, but I am not going to knock them for donate $2.8 million and declare their $2.8 million a paltry sum. Sure, I'm happy to ask for more, but I will not insult the $2.8 million.

There is another argument that says that it would be better for everyone to fund breast cancer research directly, rather than to just buy M&Ms, thus eliminating the middle man. Sure, this is a great idea, except that it doesn't play out in real life. Ideally, people would recognize the needs of society and step up to pay for those needs: healthcare, health research, etc. But people don't. They are bogged down in their own need to pay for food and shelter, and their desire for cute shoes. SOME people give generously to charity, and others do not (either because they can't or because they won't, but the end result is the same). I say it would be great if companies AND individuals practiced philanthropy without prompting or marketing, but I think it's very unrealistic. So, there are individuals out there who are unwilling or unable to write a check to Komen, but are eating M&Ms anyway and decide to buy the pink package....and every little bit helps.

Also, companies have much deeper pockets than individuals. A team of 35 people - Team Kristina and Warrior Women - did grass roots fundraising over two years to raise about $120,000. I'm very proud of this work and my part in it, but I recognise that it was a LOT of effort, and though it's a lot of money from my perspective, it's nowhere near what a corporation can give. Breast cancer research needs work from people like me, but it also needs the deep pockets of the corporations. I can work tirelessly, around the clock, to raise money for breast cancer to donate directly to the cause, but I will never come close to the amount that a large corporation is going to give. This doesn't make me give up on my own efforts, but certainly, I appreciate the money that the corporations are giving, too.

There are some companies, though I think they are few, who give pink marketing a bad name by putting pink ribbons on products without benefiting the cause. I don't know who these companies are, though.

Komen has a list of million dollar partners on their website, as well as "5 Questions to Ask" for cause based marketing. If you wonder who to support, and how to determine who is legit, you might wish to take a look at their website information:
http://cms.komen.org/komen/Partners/index.htm

So, as you proceed into the month of October, consider buying pink. Make sure that you read the fine print: who is getting the proceeds of the product? Is it Komen, Breast Cancer.org, The Young Survival Coalition, The Breast Cancer Research Fund, or some other reputable organization? GREAT. What is the minimum donation that the company is giving? If a company is only giving $0.03 per item, that seems small, unless you read that they are committing a minimum of $500,000 to the cause. You, ultimately, decide where to spend your dollars, of course. But I hope that as you proceed into the pink month, you will consider supporting those companies who have decided to take action against the disease that has threatened my life, and the lives of over two million survivors in the US, as well as uncounted women who have not survived.

All of our pennies are adding up, and we ARE going to find a cure.

a slow, quiet weekend

I'm getting over the emotions of last week, but steeling myself for the emotions to come. Next Friday - less than a week from now - is my eighth surgery, when I get nipples. Another anesthesia, another set of sutures, another recovery. Hopefully this is my last surgery, and there will be nothing but sunshine after this.

I am very, very tired of having things looming over me, of having so much work ahead of me. I am hopeful that with this next surgery, I will feel the weight of them lifting from my shoulders. I am hopeful that I will feel that my future is the same as a normal person's: full of challenges, certainly, but not with looming doom (surgeries, chemos, trips to the hospital, pain).

I find myself a lot more tired than usual this week; last night I was in bed by 8:30pm. I think it takes a lot of energy to process this stuff, and I hope that's all it is, and not that I'm coming down with something.

Last night we had the Starkey-Burdett's over for dinner (and I discovered a new salmon recipe that is definitely a keeper), and enjoyed their easy company. Today, we went to the coffee shop, we went to Lincoln Park with the dogs (Max is visiting), and we are hanging out at home. I made a crock-pot dinner (a lemon chicken dish with lots of winter veggies) that will be ready when we're hungry, and the house smells like roasting chicken, citrus, and rosemary, which is quite pleasant.

Tomorrow we'll go to church - our third week in a row, something unprecedented in my previous decade - and we're having the Hisatomi's (and perhaps Marisa, too) over for dinner to celebrate Heather's birthday. I found a crabcake recipe in my Stephanie Inn cookbook (thanks, Mom & Dad S for that birthday present from a couple of years ago - it's perfect for special occassions) that I think I will use as the meal's centerpiece, and tomorrow Tessa and I will make a cake (Heather, Tessa, and I share a love of frosting - yummm) as well.

Now I think I'll go plant some bulbs; we have two packages of them in the garage, so it's time.

Quiet days. I was ready for some quiet. Not so much running around, hustle and bustle....just some peace and quiet, times shared with friends, times outdoors, time with family at home.

The 46th Trip to the Chemo Ward

Today I finished Herceptin.

It was overwhelming to think about where I had been, and where I was going.

In an effort to calm myself, I put on my iPod and listened to the Dixie Chicks' song "Lullaby" and thought about Tessa. I thought about how long I want to love Tessa, and the tears started flowing, and I found my thoughts coming fast and furious like a prayer. "Please, let it be enough. Please let the Herceptin work. It's my last time, it has to be enough. Please I want to love her longer...please..." and it honestly took my breath away.

Herceptin has been my safety net. A hassle to go to the treatment center, an annoyance in a busy life, but today I remembered why I insisted on two years. I remembered that it's got magical science in it, and that it could be my lifesaver. And I felt terrible grief at stopping.

I'm flying without that parachute now. I've still got Femara or Aromasin, but I have one less weapon in my pocket, and I feel vulnerable without it.

Still, 46 times to the chemo ward is enough. It must be, right? There is no evidence to suggest that more would have been wiser, and it is certainly time to stop. And yet, here I am, trembling.

I think I just need a good night's sleep; tomorrow will be another busy day. Tomorrow will feel different.

I am proud of myself for fighting so hard. I could have taken an easier path and quit a long time ago. I guess it's not so crazy that all of this fighting would wear me out, and so the ending of this particular battle (though not the war) has me bittersweet.

I will most certainly slip into Tessa's room tonight to snuggle her as she sleeps. She'll wriggle away from me in her sleep because she doesn't like to be bothered when she's sleeping (can't say I blame her) but still, I will hold her close for a moment in the darkness, and I will hear the words in my head, reminding me not to give up, reminding me about forever, reminding me about love.

I had two visions in my head as I tried to calm myself, sitting in that chair, the IV in my arm.

First, I was thinking about Michele & Dave's new baby, who is due any day, and who will be delivered at the same hospital. I thought to myself, "Perhaps 30 years from now, I will be home, and I will get a call. 'Mom, your grandbaby is here....come here to see us!' and I will fly to Tessa's side to kiss her and hold my grandchild."

Then, I thought about Ryan and I, in our old age together, on a trip to Tuscany, walking between the hill towns of Cinque Terre. I could see the old, worn path beneath our feet, and I could see a town in front of us, and one behind us, too. Ryan and I were smiling in the sunshine, enjoying each others' company in retirement.

The visions couldn't stop the tears, because I could taste the desire in both visions, and I was filled with longing. But I could see them so clearly, I thought that maybe they'd come true.

One day at a time.


"Lullaby" by The Dixie Chicks

They didn't have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
And I hear your laugh like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

I slip in bed when you're asleep
To hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there'll be so much to do
So tonight I'll drift in a dream with you

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

As you wander through this troubled world
In search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes when you're miles away
And hear my voice like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

Last Herceptin

Tomorrow morning is my last Herceptin.

My 46th trip to the chemo ward. My 46th time getting an IV to fill my body with potentially damaging drugs. My 46th time taking an anti-cancer mix into my bloodstream.

I feel strangely flat about it. I'd thought of throwing a last hurrah party; I thought of marking the occassion in some important way...but instead, I just find myself wanting it to be done.

Of course, I'm not done. Femara, Aromasin, or whatever, and the dang-blasted fear that comes with the territory. Not done, not done at all.

Still, I'm delighted to cross this item off the list.

NOT arthritis

I just got my labwork results; I do not have arthritis, just regular joint pain from Femara. (Great news!)

Initially, I was very reluctant to switch from Femara to another drug, because there were some early studies that showed that Femara worked best in Her2+ patients like myself, and I'm fighting for every percentage point I can find. However, subsequent, larger, better controlled studies have come out, and the three drugs like Femara all look about equal now, and Femara is no better than either of them.

With that, I've called in the new prescription to Medco, and I will start taking Aromasin, another AI (the same type of drug as Femara) next week or so. It will take 4-6 weeks to know if Aromasin is better than, worse than, or equal to Femara for joint pain, but it's worth a try, so I'm going to try.

It's not arthritis, so that means that I can hope that this pain goes away when I'm done with the drug. I'm done in February 2011, so whether Aromasin is better or not, I know I'm counting down until 2011 and then I'm DONE!

Unless the cancer comes back. Which it won't. But it might. But it won't. I hope.

My speech at the 3-Day

I have received some requests for my 3-Day speech - here it is! If you would like to use part of it anywhere, I ask that you speak to me directly first.
---------------
Thank you to the 3-Day organizers for inviting me to speak with you today. Thank you also to my husband, Ryan, and my daughter, Tessa, for supporting me by being here, as well as to Team Kristina and Team Warrior Women.

Anger, Sorrow and Joy

My name is Kristina Surface, and I live in West Seattle. I am a mother, wife, daughter, friend, writer, reader, 3-Day walker…and breast cancer survivor. This is part of my story.

When I was 35 years old, the stay-at-home mom of a gorgeous two and a half year old, I found a lump in my breast and I was diagnosed with stage IIb breast cancer. So the journey began. Two weeks after my diagnosis, my left breast was removed.

Showing my husband my scar hurt almost as much as the mastectomy itself: what would he say? How would he feel about this loss of femininity? Would he still find me attractive? Would he still desire me? Bitter anger at cancer filled me as I faced these questions.

In the recovery room, still groggy from anesthesia, I looked up at Ryan and, with shaking hands and tears in my eyes, said, “Look” and pulled my hospital gown aside.

He looked as I waited, full of fear. Then, he kissed the flat bandage. “It’s beautiful,” he said. “It’s beautiful because it means you don’t have cancer anymore.”

Thank you for that moment, Ryan. It taught me, for the first time in my cancer journey, that joy could overcome the anger and sorrow.

The journey continued; chemo was next. Just before my second treatment, right on schedule, my hair started to fall out. I ran my fingers through it, and a dozen strands came out at once. Reality was upon me.

I was determined to call the shots where I could, and I did NOT want to wake up with a pillow full of hair and bald patches, so I called my stylist and begged for her help. “Please, Krista. Please shave my head.”

I went to the slaon on a Saturday morning before it was opened, and Ryan, Tessa, and a handful of loyal girlfriends came to cheer me. The mood was almost festive – I received presents and coffee, and I thought I would be okay, despite my fear and distress.

I asked to be faced away from the mirror, at my family and friends, so that I wouldn’t’ see the destruction of my hair falling. Krista, with shaking hands, began.
Tessa sat in my friend’s lap, her face white. “How are you doing, honey?” I asked. Tessa’s eyes were so big and blue, and her golden baby curls looked so beautiful to me…what would my lovely daughter think of her mother’s baldness?

“It’s okay, Mama,” she told me. She was nearly shaking, bu my brave daughter did not cry. “Mama, it will grow back,” she whispered.

That a two and a half year old needs bravery makes me angry. It makes me weep. But Tessa’s strength gives me a joy greater than any other I have known.

At last, it was done, and I looked in the mirror. My baldness made it look so… so… so real. For the first time, I actually looked sick. The tears started, and the fist words out of my mouth surprised me.

“I have cancer!”

When the tears were wiped and hugs given, it was time to get on with the day. What to do? Tessa said, “Mama, let’s go swimming!”

I thought about this. Bald, missing a breast, and an ugly port-a-cath showing? SWIMMING? At first, I almost shouted, “NO!” but then I thought again. The August day was sunny and beautiful, and my strong, brave daughter wanted to swim. Was I going to take that from her? Was CANCER trying to take these simple pleasures from me, too? Anger and sorrow overwhelmed me. Damn cancer.

Well, no way. I would swim in the sun.

We got to the pool. I put on my new mastectomy suit, and took off my scarf, and stepped out on the pool deck. I’m pretty sure that the whole pool was staring at me. Tessa didn’t notice – “C’mon, Mama, jump in!”
And so we played and splashed, and I felt the joy overcoming the anger and sorrow.

But it didn’t always.
7 surgeries.
16 chemos.
33 radiation treatments.
Two years of Herceptin.
Femara.
Treatment was relentless.

I needed to believe that it could be better, that I could be better. I knew that if I could walk 60 miles, I could do anything. I had so much sorrow and anger, and I needed a place I could use it. The 3-Day was the place.

I am here today because I am a breast cancer survivor, because I am a fighter, and because I desperately want to watch my daughter become a woman. I want to grow old alongside my husband. I want to write a book, to run a marathon. I am here because I believe that the 3-Day is our best chance to make that happen.

But I’m also here because I’m mad. REALLY angry. Nobody should have to go through what I’ve gone through, and worse. I have friends who “did everything right” and still got stage IV. I have acquaintances who have died of this disease. I have seen women young and old feel the fear of wondering if they will live to see tomorrow; fear of wondering if they are strong enough to face treatment. Breast cancer is full of fear and sorrow, and it makes me so angry that these are part of mine – or anyone’s – day to dady life.
I know that you, too, are mad, and that you’ve decided to do something about it. Because you’re here, the next generation of women will survive. Because of what we’re doing here together, the cure is closer that it was before. Because of this event, somebody’s life will be saved. Maybe yours, maybe mine, maybe my daughter’s…someone’s.

I believe that because of Komen’s work, and the work of the 3-Day and other events like it, I can look my daughter in the eye, and say, “Tessa, you will not have to do what Mama did. We will find the cure, for me and for you!”

Thank you for coming here, and for being angry enough about breast cancer to do something about it. You are making the difference, and from the bottom of my heart, I thank you. I thank you for myself, and also for my daughter. What you are doing here today gives me joy. We WILL find the cure.

And to those of you who are fighting the disease, I have one final story.

In the survivor lineup at last year’s 3-Day, somebody called out, “How many years? How long have you been survivors?” I chimed in, “One year.” Somebody else said, “Five years.” Numbers flew left and right, and we cheered for those who had made it. The woman behind me said, “One month,” and we hugged her and promised that it would get easier one day.
Then one woman close to me smiled and said, “Twenty seven years.” My eyes fill with tears just thinking abou tit: twenty seven years after my diagnosis, my daughter will be a woman. What I woudn’t give to see her grow up, to see her as a twenty-nine year old, and even, if I should be so lucky, become a grandma.

The twenty-seven year survivor caught my eye, asked me about my treatment, and told me about hers. She said that she’d made a tape of herself envisioning her futre life, and all its wonderful milestone, and that she would listen to it every night as she went to sleep while she was in treatment. She said she talked about watching her children graduate from high school, and trips she would take, and other important life milestones. And at the end, she said, shefell asleep every night to the words, “I will rock my grandbabies to sleep.” She told me that she has held her grandchildren in her arms; her vision came true.

And then that woman, beautiful soul, took my hands in hers, looked me straight in the eye, and fiercely whispered, You will rock your grandbabies to sleep.”I choose to believe her.

Joy.

May you rock your grandbabies to sleep.

Ahhhh

Today I took most of the day to myself.

At noon, Michele picked me up and we went to Lori's, where we decorated a mustache cake. (It's a long story, but there was a lot of laughter!)

At 3:30pm, I left Lori's, and caught the bus downtown. By 4pm I was at S.A.M. (Seattle Art Museum), listening to Beethoven on my iPod and gazing at beautiful art (and glancing at some ugly pieces, too....yes, it's subjective).

The museum closed and I went on a short but fruitless search for some cute, comfortable winter shoes (what part of not buying it would that fall under?) with my feet hurting more each step in my cute, UNcomfortable shoes. (Actually, cute PAINFUL shoes would be more accurate. Alas, I will never wear them again. I think they're made for narrower feet than mine.) I came to my senses, and decided to have dinner.

I went to Palomino's bar because it was convenient and the people watching was great. I had the cappellini pomodoro with some rotisserie chicken added, and a lovely glass of Malbec. While sitting there, I wrote in my journal, ruminating about life's questions, pondering things.

It was lovely. Absolutely lovely.

I am fully determined to spend more of my time doing things like this. I enjoyed my time with my girlfriends, but I really needed some time by myself. It's so rare that I spend any time by myself, and I found my soul filling up again.

I'm remembering who I am. I love to be loud and talkative and throw parties and commit every minute of the day to a day fully lived....but I also like the quiet and some solitude. I've been out of balance, and I'm aware of that. I'm trying to rebalance a lot of things.

And now, I'm going to have a cup of tea with Ryan in our candlelit living room, and then I'm going to soak in the tub up to my neck in bubbles while reading. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. When is the last time I did that?!

Saturday

After a trip to C&P Coffee, our day is going on with chores, and then I'm taking the afternoon to myself (wahoo!). I'm looking forward to the down time.

I got another call today. You know, the one that says, "My friend was just diagnosed with breast cancer." I get a lot of those calls. I hate them because I'm so sad to admit another member to the club, but I'm glad to be a part of helping people. Never hesitate to call me with that piece of news, because I do want to help and I'm glad to be in a position to do so, but still, it makes me so sad to envision women's grief and loss, as I know all too well what it feels like.

"The pile" is gone, thanks to hours of filing and recycling and such. HURRAH! I'm determined to keep it at bay in the future. I even started a folder for coupons...let's see if I can actually keep that up and use them before they expire (ha that would be new).

Okay, back to chores...

Thinking about it

I read half of "Not Buying It" last night before I fell asleep. I'm very, very intrigued. Some of it is right on target for me: my home is filled with stuff, stuff, and more stuff and I'm irritated by finding places to store it, ways to clean it, ways to feel less cluttered, etc. I do not need more stuff.

I'm also not ready to go absolutely crazy. The author (Judith Levine) had a rule where she wouldn't eat anything pre-made, and I don't really see the point. She and her partner would go to Chinatown and buy green buns (a dumpling with greens inside) and on the program, she refused to spend the $1 for her favorite treat because it was premade. I don't think that really served any purpose: it's a healthy, inexpensive item and I'm not giving that kind of thing up.

She also gave up theater, movies, movie rentals, concerts, etc. I think that this might defy some logic in my own life, as well. Those are the things I should be doing MORE of, not LESS of. I need LESS junk from Target, but the memories of a beautiful play last me a lifetime and inform my thinking. I'm looking for higher quality experiences, and less impact on the environment, not intellectual deprivation.

But I could eat out less. And I could do more books from the library, instead of buying them. Less impulse anything. Less money on coffee out (to remember why, did you see how many ways I have to make coffee in my house?!). Less eating out because I'm too lazy to cook, and more eating out for special moments. (Which equates to less eating out overall; I love resturant dinners but sometimes it's "well it's 6pm and I'm tired and I don't feel like cooking" and then it's easy to blow $30-50 on an unremarkable, unmemorable dinner.)

In other news...
Tessa LOVES her preschool. It costs more than we're used to paying but really, she loves it, and as a result, I'm loving it, too. She's learning vocabulary words, she's got a job (helping to put out snacks), she's learning all kinds of things about nature (last week it was about how spiders molt their skin, and humans shed skin too...they have a "pet" tarantula named Charlotte and Charlotte shed, and this led to the whole lesson). She is so ready to learn that she's desperate for someone to teach her, and school is going to be great.

Shep has a new friend. Our neighbor Becky, a block away, has a chocolate lab named Cooper, and we're exchanging playdates. Right now, Cooper and Shep are running around the back yard, tossing balls in the air, and (hopefully) wearing one another out.

And I have work to do - Ryan comes home tonight and I am determined to be able to say "Look, honey, no pile!" when he arrives. ("The pile" is of paperwork: resturant coupons, junk mail, correspondence, bills, magazines, preschool papers, medical paperwork....ugh. I hate the sight of it and I'm determined to make change! The pile grows overnight, I swear, and it's reached horrible proportions at this time. Every day, I vow to find a way to keep the pile away forever. We'll see if today is that day.)

We have committed to attending church, WSUU, until the new year, at which point we will reevaluate. So far, I think it's something that is going to be really great for our family. I really appreciate the opportunity to sit down and think about my life, to learn lessons, to remember how to be a better person. (I say remember because I think we all know, but need reminding.) I love this church because it has a philosophy similar to my own: it has a global stance, incorporating world religions and ideas; it's fairly liberal; it teaches that our actions are a better judge of our character than our words -it's easy to talk the talk, not to walk the walk; they have child education....many things that i admire.

I'm doing emotional, spiritual, and physical housecleaning. It is the beginning of the year, and I'm excited to make positive change.

Ryan will be home tonight, and I'm looking forward to seeing him. Absence DOES make the heart grow fonder, and I've missed him. It's not often he's gone for four days, and we'll be glad to have him home.

Not Buying It

I picked up the book at the library today. I am more and more serious in my contemplation of this idea.

I went to Target today to return something, and managed to walk through the store without buying anything: not one impulse purchase. But it did cross my mind that I would do better if I didn't GO to Target. There's always something there that is just a bargain and so cute and maybe I could use it and....wait a minute. Before I saw that item, whatever it was, I had no need for it. So why do I need it now? I don't. But when I see things I want them.

I have started throwing away all catalogs that come to the door. When I look at Pottery Barn I become convinced that my things are the wrong color, that I need something different, that my room would be so much more comfortable if I just had an X. Again, things that I wouldn't notice until I saw the catalog.

I'm also letting my magazine subscriptions run out. I enjoy the articles, but I'm tired of being told that I need 30 Top Make-up Products, that the new clothing color is gray and that it's replacing black (let's face it, black is black and black is cool.....other colors come and go, but black is here to stay, and I bet that the same writers of that article are still wearing black), that my purse is all wrong...you get the picture. Sometimes, when I get dressed up, I feel cute. And then I read a magazine and learn that I am not cute. Where exactly is the advantage, here? And isn't beauty beautiful from one year to the next?

I have four sets of wine glasses. Countless towels (and they match). Two computers. A coffee maker, a large french press, two small french presses, and an espresso machine. Oh, and a camping percolator coffee pot. I have several fancy dresses (the kind I wear once a year, maybe). I have three pairs of knee high black boots (pointy toe, round toe, square toe). I have bookcases filled to overflowing. I have everyday dishes and flatware to serve 12, everyone matching, and I have enough china to host Dinners of State.

I could go on, and on, and on about how much excess I have.

Very little I own is from Pottery Barn. I am not stylish, most of the time. My clothing does not have the "right" labels in it, for the most part. My home does not resemble a home decor' magazine cover, a showroom floor, or even an Arts & Crafts period ad. I rarely wear make-up, because I don't like to. But my home is comfortable, and often filled with people who have come to share in it. There's coffee to go around. Children run and laugh here; adults drink wine and laugh and talk here. Nobody has ever come here and said, "What a dump!" because it's not (and because rude people aren't invited). I'm not fashionable, but I don't think I'm a frump, either. My clothing is appropriate, and some of it, I even love to wear. I'm not too cold or too hot because of my clothes, and I have things to wear to the ballet, the park, the Junction, girls' night out, and gymnastics class (Tessa's, not mine).

Still, though, I find cravings. I crave silly things that are inconsequential. I craved getting a new couch, even though the one I have is very high quality, matches our other things, and is a beautiful reminder of my Grandpa Goddard. I'd like to get rid of all of my dishes because I'm tired of the dark blue band around them, and get plain ones instead (so much more versatile, I tell myself). I'd like a gray wrap dress....all the rage, you know. And that little shirt would look so cute on Tessa (never mind that her drawers are so full that when laundry is caught up it's hard to close them)...

It goes on. I'm declaring that I must stop! I see things and I crave them for no particular reason other than that I want them. I do not wish to be this kind of consumer, but I really am. Ugh.

There are other reasons for me to stop.

The environment is one really good reason to stop: the packaging alone is enough for catastrophe, but the pollution of manufacturing, the stuff that ends in landfills, and the use of resources alone would be enough to stop. Finances are another (less sexy) reason to stop: who couldn't stand to save some money? Life lessons (mine, and what I model to Tessa) are another. World politics are another (I'm pretty sure that half the stuff I have is made in China in suspicious factories).

But still, I think it would be really, really hard to stop buying things cold turkey. I'm American! That's not what we do! Is it even possible? Do I have what it takes to do this?

There will have to be rules. Obviously, I can't just cut up my bank cards and be done. We must eat. The car must have fuel (no I'm not giving that up; I like to visit people, pick up groceries, etc.). There are gifts to buy for others (I'm not expecting the world to jump on this bandwagon with me, and I don't want to be stingy.) Candles burn down and need replacing; light bulbs (even energy efficient florescents) burn out; soaps get used; toilet paper is a necessity. Things that we use get worn and quit working.

What then?
- Groceries and other consumables (gas, TP, candles, batteries) will be used as always
- Gifts...problematic. Maybe experiential stuff that doesn't end up in a landfill?
- Broken items...repair instead of tossing and replacing. When not cost effective, replace with gently used items.
- Tessa outgrows things...buy consignment.

This is not a done deal; Ryan and I have a lot of talking to do (a note here: this was Ryan's idea to begin with, and he read the book already). I think I'll re-read "Voluntary Simplicity" and "Your Money or Your Life" and "All Your Worth" in addition to "Not Buying It." I have a lot of thinking to do. I want to save the environment, buy consciously, save money and get out of "year from hell debt," teach Tessa life lessons....but this is pretty extreme, and I know that. Can I do it?

Enough. I'm declaring enough. We'll see where I take that exclamation.

"I feel more confident than ever that the power to save the planet rests with the individual consumer." - Denis Hayes, Chair, Earth Day Network

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world."
— Mahatma Gandhi

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson

Oncologist appointment

Today I met with Dr. Rinn to discuss my joint pain and fatigue.

I've crossed lines; the quality of life is being impacted. My fingers don't work the way they're supposed to sometimes, and this is frustrating. I can type well, but it's hard to hold a pen and to write. This morning I couldn't push the button on the coffee pot to release the coffee, and I ended up having to take the lid off to get my cuppa Joe. This is relatively new, but unacceptable.

It's probably the Femara.

I have agreed to switch to another AI, Aromosin (Aromasin?).

Hopefully both the fatigue and the joint pain will improve. I could go to bed at 7 every night and not feel rested, and that's REALLY old. And who can go to bed that early? My productive time used to be from 8-11pm, and if I lose that time it's usually my only "me" time in the whole day.

I'm also getting blood work done to test for arthritis. It runs in the family, and the symptoms are the same.

Musings

Today I found out that Tessa's preschool teacher's mom, the beloved "Grandma Dorothy," is a 29 year survivor of breast cancer. YES! I need more people like this is my life, and the more success stories the better.

In the paper yesterday (or the day before?) there was an article about a violinist who is about to celebrate his 90th birthday; the article talked about his involvement with music, the community, etc. The headline read "How do you get to 90?: Practice, practice, practice". I'm practicing living right now, as a matter of fact. And the headline is currently taped to the bottom of my computer monitor.

Ryan is in Montanta, so it's just Tessa and I for a couple of days. I did the lazy way out tonight and we went to Korkoras, a local Greek place (total bill with tax: $11.21 - nice!).

I am still seriously contemplating a year of buying nothing, or some derivation of it. I think it would be good for me at a number of levels...

Tessa is growing and learning by the minute. At school they have vocabulary words and she is filled with them: she told me about being "absent" and what that means. I love that she loves words and language as much as I do, and that she's proud of her learning.

I'm starting to get the pit-of-my-stomach dread that comes before each surgery. Mine is fast approaching and I dread it.

Tessa's doing art, and I'm puttering around....time to tend to her. Bath night!

Dinner disaster and strange flashbacks

Tonight I made a dinner disaster.

This one compares with the time I made a stirfry with flank steak and didn't know to cut the steak on the diagonal. (For those who don't know, I'll point out that cutting WITH the grain creates a great shoe leather, almost impossible to chew.) It also ranks up there with the time I made a red snapper dish that was so fishy it made me gag (and I'm a seafood lover; I think the fish wasn't fresh). It's been years since an incident of this caliber; I'm a decent cook, but about every 5 years I do a doozy.

Tonight it was a home made chicken pot pie, Cooking Light style, with lots of root vegetables. I'm in a fall mood, and it seemed like comfort food.

I went to buy the groceries a couple days ago: celeriac root, parsnips, sweet potatoes, potatoes, carrots. I thought I'd be creating a gentle melding of delicious nutrients...yum, yum.

I went wrong with celeriac. I didn't expect it to be available at Trader Joe's, and it wasn't, so I went to Thriftway. I didn't see it at first, even though I was staring at every bin of produce. Finally, I found the sign: celeriac (celery root). It didn't look the way I'd remembered it; I remembered it being a kind of a hard, knotty root ball, but I discounted my memory as it's not an ingredient I use very often. What they had in the bin labeled celeriac was more of a long tuber root, with the top and bottom chopped off. Whatever.

Whatever is right. What I bought, I discovered AFTER an hour of chopping, simmering, stirring, whisking, seasoning, baking, rolling (dough) and setting the meal on the table is that I bought horseradish.

You know, the kind of thing where a tablespoon can feed the whole table. Only I used the whole darn horseradish root in my chicken pot pie. NOT celeriac.

Oops.

To say that it was inedible would be kind. Dang it! Oh well, we all had a good laugh.

And in a totally unrelated post...
For my birthday I asked for, and received, a video of Tessa's life, which had been trapped in the camera for four and a half years. Watching it gave such sweet joy; our gorgeous baby getting a bath; Christmas presents; Easter egg hunts; birthday parties.

The first haircut scene took my breath away, though. May 7, 2005. I saw the date in the lower left corner of the screen and all I could think was, "I had cancer, but I didn't know it yet. I didnt' know that on May 25 my whole world would get turned upside down."

It was hard to breathe, seeing that. And remembering the moments that followed.

I also saw, briefly, myself bald and with a crewcut. I was smiling for the camera, catering to Tessa, cheerful voice, but I know better. I know it wasn't happy at all, even when I was pretending.

And on that, I must go to bed. I ate just enough of the chicken-horseradish-pot-pie to feel rather ill, and I think I'm going to have to sleep it off!

Happy birthday to me

At 9:59am today I turned 38 years old.

There were some times I didn't think I'd live until or past my 36th birthday.

Today I am happy and healthy. I will take any wrinkles that come my way, should I be lucky enough to receive them. Every birthday is a victory.

I'm looking forward to birthday cake this evening.

Busy days

Up and at'em, today is a "typical" fall day.

Breakfast with Tessa, then hurry into clothes to get ready to go to school. Out the door, grab the bike, and we're off. Tessa rode her bike to preschool (it's about a mile) while Shep and I walked; we dropped Tessa off and then Shep and I went for a run. Home again, a quick shower, get some laundry going, and then off to Trader Joe's for groceries. (Proud to say that I did menu planning and a grocery list yesterday.) Grocery shopping, back to West Seattle....oh shoot, traffic on the bridge, no time to drop off groceries, so straight to preschool.

Pick up Tessa, admire her artwork. Time for lunch. Katie & Jenny took us out to Capers for my birthday lunch (thanks, ladies) and the girls had fun being a threesome again. My phone rang, oh shoot, it's the windshield place, a half hour early, and they're at the house. Hurry home, meet the windshield guy ("hey that's a BIG crack!"), and start unloading groceries as he works on the car. Zoe & Jessie get dropped off so that the girls can play, and I begin chores. Three beds stripped and re-made, laundry done, girls playing, popsicle snacks. Bring out the fall stuff (leaf plates, other misc. stuff), put the feather comforter on the bed for cooler nights. Two girls picked up, and Tessa, Shep and I are alone in the house again.

A little bit of playing, a few more chores, a bit of time on the blog, and then we'll do a couple of errands.

Fall days. Not bad getting caught up a bit, even in the mundane. It's a good thing to be healthy enough to do these mundane things.

Tonight is Family Night. (Most are, but this one's official.) We'll have a nice dinner, then eat popcorn as we watch a family movie together. Sounds snuggly and nice to me.

The new year

This is the first week of the new year. Not the calendar year, obviously, but for me the new year really begins in fall, with the first week of school.

Tessa is at her new school right now, and she's loving it. Teacher Shelley is kind, the kids seem nice (and Tessa appears to be making new friends), I've enjoyed my short interactions with the other parents, and so far I think that the program is excellent. Tessa loves the fact that there are "pets" in the classroom, incluing a turtle named Myrtle and a tarantula. *shudder* Tessa came home and said, "Daddy, a tarantula is like a really big, hairy spider. You can't pick it up though because it bites." Well said, my dear, and I will stay away. I'm glad that Tessa doesn't have those types of fears, but you won't find me peering lovingly into the spider habitat.

But back to the new year.

I'm filled with the desire to live my life to the best of my abilities and not, as Thoreau said "when it came to die, discover that I had not really lived." I don't have a lot of fears in that regard but I still contemplate the idea regularly to keep myself sharp. Am I being who I want to be? In this minute, am I giving the world the best of myself, or am I taking the easy way and cutting corners and turning a blind eye to what I must do and in the process hiding my best self away?

Some things in the past year have made me extremely happy.

I've been on two teams, Team Kristina and Team Warrior Women, that have collectively raised over $120,000 for breast cancer. I have begun a public life speaking out against breast cancer, and I've done radio, newspaper, and speaking engagements for the cause. I ran the "I am the Cure" program. I did my first half marathon. I'm a good mother, and a decent wife. I've stayed true to my health plan, and I continue to buy and eat healthy food, going organic when possible, with lots of whole grains, lean proteins, fruits, and vegetables. I've kept (most) of my weight off, and I still wear a size 6 (not bad for a 5'7" girl). I read to my daughter, and play with her at the park. I camp with my family, roasting marshmallows (I don't need to be healthy 100% of the time!) under the stars in front of the campfire.

These things all make me happy, but there is so much more!

I'm thinking a lot about the environment these days, and I have a number of thoughts going through my mind on that topic. Last year I went on a "turn off the lights!" campaign for myself at our home, and I was delighted when we got a revised statement for our bill saying that our average bill has fallen by $9 per month. $9 does not alter my pocketbook significantly, and it doesn't save the planet, but it is a great beginning. There is so much more to do, though.

I'm shifting from grocery-store cleaning products (Windex, Clorox, Mr. Clean, Lysol, etc.) to simpler, more earth friendly products. I am finding that baking soda and vinegar are amazing cleaners, and I'm having good success with them. Hopefully the salmon will appreciate my efforts.

We sold our van last year, and the one-car thing is going very well for us. I'm trying to walk and take the bus more myself, as well. (Tessa and I are walking to preschool; today, she rode her bike. It's a great walk for Shep, and I can run home, taking the long way, with him, and we get some exercise.)

I am trying to decide if I can go on a "buy nothing" campaign for a year. There's a book on the subject that I am getting from the library (I had to place a hold) and I've been thinking it through. Could I go a year only buying perishable items or items that run out (food, gas, etc.)? How could I make my carbon footprint as small as possible? If Tessa needed something (she grew two and a half inches since April - my goodness!) could I commit to only buying consignment clothes in an effort to stop buying new goods? What would we do about Christmas?

I want to run the Vancouver Marathon '08, which takes place May 4.

And I think I'm almost ready to stop writing the blog, and to write my book. (I'll still post updates about Tessa with pictures on occassion, but enough of my ramblings already.)

I have a lot on my mind, and I'm determined to make positive changes in my life, and to keep up the positive changes I've already made. Sometimes it's easier said than done, but I'm working on it. One foot in front of the other...

My Herceptin Video

http://www.herceptin.com/herceptin/patient/herstory/videos.jsp

It's online at last! Enjoy.

Tessa's first day at a new school

Today Tessa begins the school year in the pre-K class at A Child Becomes... preschool. Here are pictures of our pretty girl to commemorate the occassion. Tessa has gone from being very nervous to saying "Can we go now? Is it time?" and I'm hopeful that today will be wonderful for her.

Is it all worth it?

I've met some incredible women on my cancer journey; I've had a chance to learn my own strength; I've had a chance to implement positive change in the world (3-Day, Race, etc.) through my breast cancer journey. My marriage was shaken beyond what I'd imagined possible, and survived; my friendships were tested and given gold stars. Still, the question is asked, is cancer worth it?

This question is often asked in the cancer community. When I was at the LiveSTRONG event in Portland in 2005, I met a testicular cancer survivor who saw my bandana over my bald head and said, "Cancer is the best thing that ever happened to me. My life is so much better now!" He's lucky he was able to walk away from me, his words made me so angry. "The best?" I practically spat at him, "My husband and daughter are gifts, the best thing that ever happened to me. Cancer is a disease!" The poor man was trying to reach out to me, and looked surprised, and looking back, I'm surprised at my own rudeness toward him, but I was in a bad place.

Well, today the question came up again on the YSC boards, and as usual, there are two sides: those who think that the disease has brought more joy (friendships, etc.) than pain; and those who feel differently. Here is my response.
----------------------------
It is NOT worth it, and that is why I fight so hard to find an end to the disease on both a personal and a public level.

I look at my daughter when she's sleeping, and I vow that I would do anything to stay on this planet, mothering her. Yes, I want to write my book; yes, I want to retire with my husband; yes, I want to revisit Tuscany; yes, I want to run a marathon....but I'd give it all up just to be here to be her mother, to love her, to hold her, to reassure her, to tell her how beautiful and strong and kind she is.

Cancer is trying to take that from me, and I'm resentful about it.

I don't believe that it's 100% a terrible experience, because with deep sorrow comes deep joy. Because of the depth of my sorrow, I've been granted an opportunity to do more meaningful things with my life, I've learned the quality of my friendships, and I've seen my marriage tested beyond belief only to survive. I've met incredible women, that's certain. And I've learned a new type of compassion and empathy; I relate to people in a different way that I believe is healthy and empowering and helps me to feel even more connected to humanity. I will take joy where I can find it, and there have been many joys along the way.

But I'd give them all up to stay here with Tessa. I would give up these new joys for the old ones. The old ones were so innocent; I didn't know I was missing anything, because I was so happy. Life wasn't bad at all before cancer. I wasn't on the wrong path, I didn't have shallow friendships.I don't feel particularly bitter about it all, I just feel filled with the desire to change things. I can accept where I've been as long as I feel that I can find meaning where there is none.It's meaningless that I got cancer. I'm creating meaning by fundraising, speaking, and changing my life to change the disease. That's ME, though, not cancer. Cancer is a devil, and there's nothing good about it. The joy that comes after cancer isn't because of cancer, it's because of an inherent beauty within ourselves, and in our desire for something more than cancer, that makes us create new, wonderful, positive meaning where there might only have been pain.

Cancer is not a gift. I've paid, and paid, and paid for my learning. The cost has been too high. I'll take my learning, since I paid for it, but the debt is overwhelming.

And yet? I think I see where others come from when they describe cancer as a gift in their lives. Lance Armstrong says it, and he's not a fool. I just feel differently.

Surgery #8

Eight. I've always thought it my lucky number - let's hope it's true.

I've already gone under the knife seven times since my diagnosis:
- left mastectomy
- port placement
- left node dissection
- hysterectomy/oopharectomy
- right mastectomy/lat flap/expander
- left lat flap/expander and right implant
- left implant, removal of scar tissue, and corrections on right

This time I will do nipples (trust me, Barbie breasts aren't all that great), which means that they will also take skin from my eyelids. There will also be corrections on both sides: on my left side, the implant is encapsulated, which makes my breast very round, high, and odd looking, as well as very firm to the touch. Again, they'll cut scar tissue, making it easier to lift my left arm. On the right they'll also try to fill out the dip in the middle of my breast using Alloderm (don't look it up unless you want to know what that is - I have mixed feelings about it but I'm grateful to have it and owe someone my eternal gratitude).

I will not be able to bend down or making jarring movements for a week or it may cause bleeding in my eyes. Nice. I won't be able to run or work out at the gym for 3 weeks, though I'll be able to walk. Sometimes people's eyes swell shut for a couple of days. However, I'll only be in the hospital for the day, as it's outpatient surgery. Go figure.

I'm feeling a bit cynical about all of it. How much work do I have to do? Eight surgeries is a lot. More than a lot.

But this is what it takes for me to feel healed, and for me to feel whole. This is what it takes for Tessa to see healing. I will go ahead, even though healing is pretty ugly sometimes.

Home from the 3Day

The 3-Day approaches

It's nearly here, and all of the fundraising, organizing and (lack of) training comes to a head now: Carolyn arrives this evening, and on Friday we begin our walk.

I am looking forward to the relaxation of it, strangely enough...I really need to take a breather, and the 3-Day sounds immensely relaxing to me. Walking in the sunshine (highs of 70, much cooler than last year), talking to friends, and taking time to just 'be' sounds pretty fantastic.

I'm at a strange place in my breast cancer journey. My hair is past my shoulders, I have two (weird, nipple-less) breasts, and I look relatively normal. I ache like never before and I'm facing the fact that one of my side-effects from Femara might be arthritis. I finish Herceptin on September 27, and then I hope to never enter a chemo ward again. I am not in the fighting mode I was in not that long ago, but I'm not done, either. I'm in a state of limbo, and trying to figure out where I fit in in all of that. The 3-Day will be a good place to think of these things, and to hopefully move forward.

Many, many, many thanks to the donors who have contributed to the 3-Day this year, supporting me and the cause in so many ways. I really couldn't do it without you. Walking is fun, but the donations will save lives. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Smiling in the rain

Last night I woke up to the sounds of thunder and a downpour. I lay in my warm, cozy bed, and smiled. Not a drop of water landed on me or my tent, because we escaped the rain by at least 12 hours.

I love the sound of the rain under most circumstances; when I am cozy indoors and the rain beats on the windows I feel a strong desire to drink mint tea, to curl up in a chair with a blanket and a good book. These days the good book might be "Sally Jean the Bicycle Queen" and Tessa might be under the blanket with me, but I revel in that, too.

This morning, Tessa was up early in anticipation of her playdate at the zoo with her cousins Caleb & Joshua and Auntie Krystal. The rain was no deterrant in her eyes: as a matter of fact, it added to her delight, because she recently acquired a dog umbrella complete with pop up ears, and she was over the moon that she could use it today. We donned our waterproof boots, rain coats, and umbrellas, and set off for the zoo to be there when it opened. We had a fantastic time with the kiddos, and enjoyed watching them zoom about at Zoomazium (indoors). The rain let up, too, so we walked all over, with Tessa stomping in the puddles. The cousins were having so much fun interacting, and Krystal and I had fun, too, although we didn't get much time to discuss much other than "oh look there's the bear" and "which exhibit is next?" and "don't get your pants wet, kids!"

This afternoon Tessa and I are both tired, as it's been non-stop busy with camping, unpacking, and this, that and the other, and the zoo involved lots of walking and running. We're having a quiet afternoon (does laundry count as "quiet?" because I have about 6 loads to fold when I hit the "post" button) and then we're having dinner with Adrienne while Ryan gets a night to himself. Carolyn arrives tomorrow evening, and on Friday it's the 3-Day.

Today it struck me that it is exactly one year until Tessa starts kindergarten; this begins the countdown. The zoo was particularly sweet in that context. My little girl is still little, and I relish her smallness as much as I relish her growth. At the end of our zoo visit, she was tired, and I carried her, and she rested her head on my shoulder. These days are getting shorter, and I will try to remember to live them fully, and to carry them with me once they have passed.

So much more to say, but that will suffice for now.

Home from camping

We returned late this afternoon from our trip to Newhalem (North Cascades National Park) with the Hissongs. The whole thing was great, and I'm so glad that we went. The company was fabulous, the weather was great (sprinkles as we set up the tent, but then not a drop after that), the scenery beyond compare. We ate well, sat around the campfire telling stories and laughing, attended evening programs put on by the park rangers, and did a couple of little hikes. We saw various small wildlife (including Douglas squirrels, stellar jays, chipmunks, little brown bats, woodpeckers, and more; we saw bear skat but not the bear it came from) and countless wildflowers. The kids learned a bit about the life cycles of the forest; the adults smiled as the kids got dirtier and dirtier in the best ways possible, including making mud cakes, drawing with sticks in the dirt, roasting marshmallows, and skipping showers.

More later, as chores (much unpacking and the inevitable laundry that comes with this kind of trip) beckon, and my bed isn't far from that. An air mattress is a luxury while camping, but I will be glad to sleep in my own bed tonight.

So many thoughts about my own return to wilderness and the trip, but they will have to wait. Good night.

Just checking in

A quick check in...

We're getting ready to leave for a long weekend of camping in the North Cascades with the Hissongs. I love camping, but I confess that I'm less in love with getting ready to camp. We pack the car to the gills, and it's a lot of work....the clothes aren't hard, but all of the kitchen stuff, tents, sleeping bags, etc. is a pain, and it's all the little details (extra batteries, kitchen soap, paper towels, twine to make a clothesline, art supplies to keep Tessa occupied....this list is endless) that stress me out. Anyway, once the car is loaded, the groceries purchased, and we're on the road, I'll forget all of that and just enjoy it. I'm particularly looking forward to campfires in the evenings, nature walks, hot cups of coffee in the morning, wildflower identification.....love it.

I'm also gearing up for the 3-Day, as it's in a week. I'm not ready, but that's okay. I am starting to work out my speech (I've been asked to be a survivor-speaker) for Saturday night. This will become a priority over the next week....I need something to say, and I'm getting on that.

Yesterday I put out my back or my sciatic pain came back. **** it. I yelp when I move "wrong" because it really hurts. This is NOT ideal for camping or walking 60 miles, but I'll figure it out. There's always ibuprofen and Vicodan. I'm not gonna let a little pain run my life. I have important things to do, laughter to share, and I'm not backing down.

Until Tuesday! Love,
Kristina

Busy weekend

A busy weekend. I'm tired, as I mentioned, and I don't know if it's the Femara, my thyroid, or my busy schedule. I'm tired of being tired.

Today was Michele & Dave's baby shower, which we hosted. It was a treat to honor them in this way, as I truly adore them, and am so grateful to have them in our lives.

Off to bed for me.

So tired

I am so, so tired these days. What is up?

3-Day cheering stations!

This year, as last, there are cheering stations along the 3-Day route. I read this year's list with excitement....because one is on Alki! I'm delighted to be walking through West Seattle...hurrah!

If you are interested in supporting me, or the 3-Day in general, or any of our Warrior Women team members, please show up at one of the designated sites to cheer. I hope to see you there!
-------------
Cheering StationsPlease discourage your family and friends from driving along the route, as it can create a safety hazard. The following Cheering Stations are safe, recommended places for your supporters to cheer you on along the route.

Day One - Friday, September 7Mile Marker 9.59:00 am - 12:30 pmStan Sayres Park 3808 Lake Washington Blvd SSeattle, WA 98118Map Mile Marker 19.712:00 pm - 5:30 pmFamily Fun Center 7300 Fun Center WayTukwila, WA 98188Map
Day Two - Saturday, September 8Mile Marker 8.38:30 am - 1:15 pmHighline Community College 2400 S. 240 St. Des Moines, WA 98198(Parking lot off of S 240th - click here for map )
Mile Marker 13.310:35 am - 4:00pmKey Bank 22033 Marine View Dr SDes Moines, WA 98198Map
Day Three - Sunday, September 9Mile Marker 4.77:40 am - 10:15 amAlki Beach 1702 Alki Ave SWSeattle, WA 98116 Map (Walkers will be traveling for several miles along this beach path. You'll be able to cheer on walkers from any spot along this stretch of beach.)

Nesting

My dear friend Jenny moved last weekend, and I've been trying to help her with her new home. I find it strangely satisfying to empty a box, finding homes for all of its contents, and then step back and admire the organization of a drawer or cupboard or shelf. Yes, I'm aware that this may sound strange, but I'm not fighting it, I'm going with it.

I've been doing some nesting of my own, as well. Moving things here or there, getting rid of things, trying to catch up on chores. I'm dreaming of doing some painting again (the kitchenette, stairwell, trimwork). I am constantly reworking the office in my mind - it's usually a disaster and I'd like to fix that.

I'm also thinking of my emotional/physical/spiritual self. I'm trying to spend my time more wisely, to work out more, to be more patient, to keep my relationships in good shape. I'm looking at regularly attending the WSUU church we discovered last spring, at having a family date night each week (put the chores aside and play together!), and at quality time with Ryan.

I love fall, which always brings these thoughts to mind. The teacher and student in me finds fall to be the true beginning of the year, and these wet days remind me that it's approaching. Time for school shoes, digging out the sweaters, and nesting.

Love,
Kristina

Banning the exclamation mark

I use them too often! Not everything should read like "Surprise!" I'm banning them! Especially when used together!!!

Seriously, I've let my writing fall to pieces, and since I'm not currently immersed in cancer battles of the mind-numbing variety (mine are more tedious or irritating than mind-numbing these days), it's time to pretend that I have some craft left in me.

The exclamation mark must go. Along with it, all kinds of other nasty habits, including rambling sentences that get lost and end up in an elipsis... And overuse of dashes, and unintended word repetition, and such.

But the exclamation mark is first. Gone! (Kidding. I saw that there. I used it again!!)

It's raining, it's pouring...

...and Tessa is delighted!

We had a great weekend with family in Anacortes, and send our love and thanks to Mom & Dad for hosting us in the motorhome. Walks, playing on the beach, too much good food, and lots of laughter. Good times!

We also spent a little time in the outlet mall, since it's so enormous and close by to where we were. Ryan got a bunch of new clothes for his sleek self (I'm so proud of Ryan's weight loss - he's looking great and getting hotter every day!), and Tessa got some new items for her fall wardrobe. (Wouldn't it be nice to get an all new wardrobe every six months, like children do?! She's growing so much that her favorite hot pink shirt with a pony on it shows her belly button now...oops.) I got a couple of needed items, too, but I don't need nearly as much as those two - Tessa's growing up, Ryan's slimming down, and I am (contentedly) staying the same size.

Anyway, the reason that Tessa is so glad that it's pouring outside is that she got a new umbrella, one that looks like a dog, with ears that pop up. She's practically dancing this morning that she'll get to wear her puddle boots (which still fit from last year), raincoat, and, bliss of bliss, use her new umbrella.

The timing could be slightly better from my perspective, as today is the last day of soccer class and we won't miss it (it's rain or shine). It's also parent participation day, so you may picture me on the wet soccer field, running around in the mud, water streaming down my face. Ah, the joys. Actually, it IS a joy to play with Tessa and to have her so excited to play with me...but the weather that so delights her today is a bit less exciting to me. Oh well, time to join in the mood....I'll play soccer in my Gore-Tex light hiking boots, and maybe my feet will stay dry. Plus, I'm pretty sure that afterwards there should be a hot cocoa in it for somebody. :-)

Speaking of soccer, we watched "Bend it Like Beckham" with Tessa. Some of the language is questionable, but as it has a British slant (Tessa didn't even blink when they used the word "shag") we could get away with a bit more. Anyway, Tessa LOVED it. Girls playing soccer - hurrah!

radio interview

I just finished another radio interview with Kate Daniels from WARM 106.9, discussing the breast cancer cause and the 3-Day. I'll know more later, but she is going to play the interview on multiple radio stations this weekend. Stay tuned!

Jam pictures

Three generation jam

Today, my wish came true. Well, one of MANY wishes!

Today, Tessa, Grandma Mary (Ryan's mom) and I made freezer jam together. This started by having a big breakfast....well, okay, that wasn't part of making jam but it fueled the jam-makers!

It started by going to 47th between Brandon & Findlay, where the best blackberries around are to be found. We showed up prepared, thanks to Dad's (Bopa's) advice: wear long sleeves, gloves, and bring pruners! Each of us carried one of Tessa's sand-buckets (thoroughly washed, of course), and we were off.

As we picked the berries - at their prime, luscious and sweet, filled with juice - I found myself smiling. Grandma helped Tessa for a while, and I was in my own little blackberry world. I started thinking about Grandpa Goddard (MY grandpa, Tessa's great-grandpa; it's a shame they never met because he would have adored his youngest great granddaughter) and how much he loathed blackberries - he was passionate about disliking them, as they invaded the property on Sechelt and choked out the things he WANTED to grow, and, as any person around here knows, blackberries are hard to get rid of. Anyway, I found myself reminiscing about Grandpa, enjoying Tessa and Mary's company.

And then, home to make the jam. We had to do this with Grandma Mary/Mom because, as Tessa puts it, she makes "the best jam in the entire world," and in our family she's quite known for her jam-making abilities. I can't recall making jam ever before this, so I wanted to learn from a master, and, better yet, have Tessa learn from a master.

Sugar, berries, jars, lids, lemon juice, pectin...we were ready to go.

Tessa and Grandma washed the berries, mashed them, stirred them, measured them, and got them ready. Grandma had to leave a bit before it was done (Happy Birthday, Juliann!) but left us with clear instructions as to how to finish.

And now we have seven fat, shiny, cheerful jars of jam sitting on the counter to set. They're almost as pretty as the berries themselves.

I am so grateful to have these small moments. Tessa was so proud of herself, and Grandma is such a good teacher. Smiles all around!

(Even Ryan smiled. I say "even" because he is sick, sick, sick with some monsterous headache that is making him nauseaus. Blechhhhhhhhh. I hope he is better soon!)

I'd love to get a letter

From the 3-Day website:
---------
Note to Supporters: Send a letter expressing your love and support to your walker, which we’ll deliver to them on the event at the 3-Day Camp Post Office. Envelopes only, please. No boxes or large packages. Mail must be postmarked no later than August 24 in order to ensure delivery at the 3-Day Camp Post Office. Any mail that is not retrieved by the walker by September 24 will be destroyed.Please send letters to:3-Day Camp Post Office1752 NW Market St. #531Seattle, WA 98107-5224

Last year several people sent letters, and I can't tell you how much I appreciated it. I won't expect anything, but I'm very open to surprises! :-)

Also, you can send a letter to anyone on my team, of course. Everyone loves mail!

Let's get political

Whatever side of the political fence you're on, I have a request.

Take a look at this:
http://www.kintera.org/AutoGen/ecard/cardForm.asp?ievent=245271&msource=EML0809AA3
and sign the LiveSTRONG petition to make fighting cancer part of the national priority. Democrat or Republican or Independent, cancer impacts us all.

Don't do it for me, or even for Kristin, but do it for yourself. Do it for your children (whether you have them yet or not....and if you won't have children, then do it for Tessa, your nieces, your nephews, the kids at the neighborhood school....just do it!). Cancer is everywhere, and we all know that, and it's going to take some amazing research and funding to find the answers we need and bring about cures. Sign the petition, and let the world know that it's important to you. Let's end cancer NOW!

I'm sick of this disease. We must make change.

Not for a minute

I will continue to write on my blog about the minutae of my life; I will continue to rant, to tell Tessa stories, to wonder about my own condition. It is what I do. However, I want to say something, just for the record.

In the back of my mind is a constant prayer going up for Kristin. The pores of my body sing out a plea to the universe to make her well, to give her a long life. I plead for her the way I plead for myself....with every inch of my being. I long for her wellness the way I long for my own wellness. I fear for her, as I fear for myself, but more, because of what she faces.

So I will smile, and laugh, and play, and work, and be busy. But please know that I am not forgetting, and that my body hums with the work of pleading prayer.

Kristin's latest email includes these thoughts. I think that I will memorize them for my own use, and as a reminder of what REAL strength looks like:

"Just know that I won't let this beat me down or stand in my way. My babies are my babies and I will raise them. When I was first diagnosed I said to myself "Everyday I must believe with a magnitude so deep that my belief becomes a reality"- I can't stop believing now- I know I'll make it."

Her life is her own, not mine to broadcast the details, so I'll leave it at that. But Kristin, I believe your words. You WILL make it. And I'm praying, wishing, hoping, and breathing it.

more poetry

Caley brought up Mary Oliver's poetry, and I mistakenly thought I knew her work. I had to look it up on Google, and discovered that any familiarity I had once had with it had been almost completely lost, so I'm discovering it like it's for the first time. Beautiful! Thank you, Caley, for sharing.

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting - - -
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Poetry

Caley and I were talking about poetry for a while - what a delightful change of pace! There is clearly not enough poetry in my life, but I drank up her words and references like water on a hot day.

I have been thinking about this poem all day, as Tessa and I picked blackberries together today and we're going to make blackberry jam (after picking more blackberries) this weekend.
------------------
Blackberry Picking

Late August, given heavy rain and sun
For a full week, the blackberries would ripen.
At first, just one, a glossy purple clot
Among others, red, green, hard as a knot.
You ate that first one and its flesh was sweet
Like thickened wine: summer's blood was in it
Leaving stains upon the tongue and lust for
Picking. Then red ones inked up and that hunger
Sent us out with milk cans, pea tins, jam-pots
Where briars scratched and wet grass bleached our boots.
Round hayfields, cornfields and potato-drills
We trekked and picked until the cans were full
Until the tinkling bottom had been covered
With green ones, and on top big dark blobs burned
Like a plate of eyes. Our hands were peppered
With thorn pricks, our palms sticky as Bluebeard's.
We hoarded the fresh berries in the byre.
But when the bath was filled we found a fur,
A rat-grey fungus, glutting on our cache.
The juice was stinking too. Once off the bush
The fruit fermented, the sweet flesh would turn sour.
I always felt like crying. It wasn't fair
That all the lovely canfuls smelt of rot.
Each year I hoped they'd keep, knew they would not.
-- Seamus Heaney

And life rolls on

Despite my high emotions over Kristin's recurrence, life goes on. Some days, it seems like the whole world should stop turning ("Stop the clocks") but, like it or not, it keeps spinning.

Today has been impossibily full - playdates and favors for friends and cooking and cleaning etc. We managed to spend time with Jenny, Zoe, Liam, Susie, Nina, Adam, Kathleen, Elena, and Beth, and then at the end of the day Caley came for dinner.

(I adore Caley. I am forever in her debt that she came to our aid when I was first diagnosed, and there is a bond there that is simply unshakable. I see a younger version of myself in her, but perhaps that is vanity on my part, because Caley is far more together than I was. Whatever the connection, I adore her and admire her.)

Now I'm wound up but in need of sleep. Tomorrow is certain to be another busy day, and now it looks like Ryan's coming down with "my" cold. Hopefully whatever he's feeling tonight will be gone by the morning.

Love,
Kristina

Well this will make for an interesting day!

6:05am, it's light outside, and I've been awake since 3:30am. I fell asleep after 11. These days, I'm tired on 10 hours of sleep, so we'll see how the rest of the day goes. Wish me patience with Tessa when she's raring to go and I'm dragging....

At least I cleaned out my email....!

Tossing and turning

I can't sleep. Strange, awful dreams float through my brain while I'm attempting sleep, but mostly I'm tossing and turning and my brain keeps forming the question "Why?" and missing the answer.

I have made peace with many things in the past two years. I will make peace with this, too, but I don't know how.

The 3-Day is coming up, and I'm not at all ready. I haven't been training like I ought to be, and it's so hard to find the time! I will do the event, though, and I will be okay, one way or another...

I have been asked by WARM 106.9 to do another radio interview....stay tuned for details. Kate Daniels, the interviewer, really liked my interview just prior to the Race for the Cure, and thought it would be great to promote the 3-Day with another interview. Fabulous!

I have been debating whether I wanted to continue with my plan to have surgery in October to do the final steps - nipples. My weird Barbie-boobs are so fake that I wondered if it was worth it to put my body through another surgery to make them look more real, knowing that they'd never be real. Well, yesterday the question was answered for me. Tessa, in a completely out-of the-blue statement, said, "Mommy, do you remember when you had nipples? Why don't you have them any more? I wish you would have them again." Suddenly, it was as simple as that. Tessa reminded me of their symbolism, and her request filled me with peace over the decision to get them. I am scheduled for surgery on October 5th. It's day surgery, with a couple weeks of recovery...I should be good to go for my Genentech engagement in North Carolina on October 22.

Camping this weekend was fantastic. It was all I'd hoped for and more....all four of us (including Shep) had a wonderful time. On Sunday, we went for a family hike of an hour or an hour and a half, and I was filled with joy to see Tessa's excitement over huckleberries and salmonberries, wildflowers, a millipede, and the rest. She can now tell the difference between bracken and swordfern, and we've promised to bring out the books on flower names for next time.

The Hissongs and the Hisatomis were with us for this trip, and it was incredible to share in their friendship and to relax with them. On Saturday night, Heather, Natasha and I sat around the campfire after the guys and kids were all in bed, and it was relaxing to laugh and talk with them. These are the important moments in life! Ryan and I have a few more camping trips on the docket between now and the end of September....we've got momentum and we don't want to lose it. I would like Tessa to remember her childhood as a camping childhood, and once or twice a year isn't enough. I think we're going to go to Newhalem (up highway 20, part of the North Cascades National Park) for Labor Day weekend.

I am somehow gearing up for fall. I've been making lists of things to do, as I always do in fall, because I love nesting in the fall. I was discussing this with Heather, and we agreed that it was the teacher in each of us that made fall feel like the "real" new year. I'm looking forward to taking care of the house, getting ready for more time indoors. I'm not ready to send out the summer yet, but I feel that I'm enjoying the summer immensely and yet still able to look ahead to the cooler fall days.

I don't really have anything to say, but here I am. Sleepless, restless, weary.

I'll try to go back to bed. Maybe sleep will find me.