Surgery #8

Eight. I've always thought it my lucky number - let's hope it's true.

I've already gone under the knife seven times since my diagnosis:
- left mastectomy
- port placement
- left node dissection
- hysterectomy/oopharectomy
- right mastectomy/lat flap/expander
- left lat flap/expander and right implant
- left implant, removal of scar tissue, and corrections on right

This time I will do nipples (trust me, Barbie breasts aren't all that great), which means that they will also take skin from my eyelids. There will also be corrections on both sides: on my left side, the implant is encapsulated, which makes my breast very round, high, and odd looking, as well as very firm to the touch. Again, they'll cut scar tissue, making it easier to lift my left arm. On the right they'll also try to fill out the dip in the middle of my breast using Alloderm (don't look it up unless you want to know what that is - I have mixed feelings about it but I'm grateful to have it and owe someone my eternal gratitude).

I will not be able to bend down or making jarring movements for a week or it may cause bleeding in my eyes. Nice. I won't be able to run or work out at the gym for 3 weeks, though I'll be able to walk. Sometimes people's eyes swell shut for a couple of days. However, I'll only be in the hospital for the day, as it's outpatient surgery. Go figure.

I'm feeling a bit cynical about all of it. How much work do I have to do? Eight surgeries is a lot. More than a lot.

But this is what it takes for me to feel healed, and for me to feel whole. This is what it takes for Tessa to see healing. I will go ahead, even though healing is pretty ugly sometimes.