The 46th Trip to the Chemo Ward

Today I finished Herceptin.

It was overwhelming to think about where I had been, and where I was going.

In an effort to calm myself, I put on my iPod and listened to the Dixie Chicks' song "Lullaby" and thought about Tessa. I thought about how long I want to love Tessa, and the tears started flowing, and I found my thoughts coming fast and furious like a prayer. "Please, let it be enough. Please let the Herceptin work. It's my last time, it has to be enough. Please I want to love her longer...please..." and it honestly took my breath away.

Herceptin has been my safety net. A hassle to go to the treatment center, an annoyance in a busy life, but today I remembered why I insisted on two years. I remembered that it's got magical science in it, and that it could be my lifesaver. And I felt terrible grief at stopping.

I'm flying without that parachute now. I've still got Femara or Aromasin, but I have one less weapon in my pocket, and I feel vulnerable without it.

Still, 46 times to the chemo ward is enough. It must be, right? There is no evidence to suggest that more would have been wiser, and it is certainly time to stop. And yet, here I am, trembling.

I think I just need a good night's sleep; tomorrow will be another busy day. Tomorrow will feel different.

I am proud of myself for fighting so hard. I could have taken an easier path and quit a long time ago. I guess it's not so crazy that all of this fighting would wear me out, and so the ending of this particular battle (though not the war) has me bittersweet.

I will most certainly slip into Tessa's room tonight to snuggle her as she sleeps. She'll wriggle away from me in her sleep because she doesn't like to be bothered when she's sleeping (can't say I blame her) but still, I will hold her close for a moment in the darkness, and I will hear the words in my head, reminding me not to give up, reminding me about forever, reminding me about love.

I had two visions in my head as I tried to calm myself, sitting in that chair, the IV in my arm.

First, I was thinking about Michele & Dave's new baby, who is due any day, and who will be delivered at the same hospital. I thought to myself, "Perhaps 30 years from now, I will be home, and I will get a call. 'Mom, your grandbaby is here....come here to see us!' and I will fly to Tessa's side to kiss her and hold my grandchild."

Then, I thought about Ryan and I, in our old age together, on a trip to Tuscany, walking between the hill towns of Cinque Terre. I could see the old, worn path beneath our feet, and I could see a town in front of us, and one behind us, too. Ryan and I were smiling in the sunshine, enjoying each others' company in retirement.

The visions couldn't stop the tears, because I could taste the desire in both visions, and I was filled with longing. But I could see them so clearly, I thought that maybe they'd come true.

One day at a time.


"Lullaby" by The Dixie Chicks

They didn't have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
And I hear your laugh like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

I slip in bed when you're asleep
To hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there'll be so much to do
So tonight I'll drift in a dream with you

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

As you wander through this troubled world
In search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes when you're miles away
And hear my voice like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up