Tossing and turning

I can't sleep. Strange, awful dreams float through my brain while I'm attempting sleep, but mostly I'm tossing and turning and my brain keeps forming the question "Why?" and missing the answer.

I have made peace with many things in the past two years. I will make peace with this, too, but I don't know how.

The 3-Day is coming up, and I'm not at all ready. I haven't been training like I ought to be, and it's so hard to find the time! I will do the event, though, and I will be okay, one way or another...

I have been asked by WARM 106.9 to do another radio interview....stay tuned for details. Kate Daniels, the interviewer, really liked my interview just prior to the Race for the Cure, and thought it would be great to promote the 3-Day with another interview. Fabulous!

I have been debating whether I wanted to continue with my plan to have surgery in October to do the final steps - nipples. My weird Barbie-boobs are so fake that I wondered if it was worth it to put my body through another surgery to make them look more real, knowing that they'd never be real. Well, yesterday the question was answered for me. Tessa, in a completely out-of the-blue statement, said, "Mommy, do you remember when you had nipples? Why don't you have them any more? I wish you would have them again." Suddenly, it was as simple as that. Tessa reminded me of their symbolism, and her request filled me with peace over the decision to get them. I am scheduled for surgery on October 5th. It's day surgery, with a couple weeks of recovery...I should be good to go for my Genentech engagement in North Carolina on October 22.

Camping this weekend was fantastic. It was all I'd hoped for and more....all four of us (including Shep) had a wonderful time. On Sunday, we went for a family hike of an hour or an hour and a half, and I was filled with joy to see Tessa's excitement over huckleberries and salmonberries, wildflowers, a millipede, and the rest. She can now tell the difference between bracken and swordfern, and we've promised to bring out the books on flower names for next time.

The Hissongs and the Hisatomis were with us for this trip, and it was incredible to share in their friendship and to relax with them. On Saturday night, Heather, Natasha and I sat around the campfire after the guys and kids were all in bed, and it was relaxing to laugh and talk with them. These are the important moments in life! Ryan and I have a few more camping trips on the docket between now and the end of September....we've got momentum and we don't want to lose it. I would like Tessa to remember her childhood as a camping childhood, and once or twice a year isn't enough. I think we're going to go to Newhalem (up highway 20, part of the North Cascades National Park) for Labor Day weekend.

I am somehow gearing up for fall. I've been making lists of things to do, as I always do in fall, because I love nesting in the fall. I was discussing this with Heather, and we agreed that it was the teacher in each of us that made fall feel like the "real" new year. I'm looking forward to taking care of the house, getting ready for more time indoors. I'm not ready to send out the summer yet, but I feel that I'm enjoying the summer immensely and yet still able to look ahead to the cooler fall days.

I don't really have anything to say, but here I am. Sleepless, restless, weary.

I'll try to go back to bed. Maybe sleep will find me.